I am a 29 year old single male with a 13 year history of daily PMO. My goals going into NoFap were to increase my willpower and energy. In January 2018 I decided I would start NoFap. I’ve really improved in many ways. My willpower, energy, and motivation mostly increased with a few minor ups and downs. My beliefs and attitudes about women also changed.
The biggest and best possible change was that I just felt smarter and more optimistic about my future and my ability to achieve my goals in life.
I was doing pretty well for eight months. I work for a small company of 11 people, and we just hired this woman about three months ago. She is a 42year old 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette. She has very large massive breasts and she does have a big butt. She has very olive skin. Most of her outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses. She is always on high heels and full make up on. She is curvy, tall and busty, so many clothes tend to look sexier on her than on a thin person. She wears almost always her satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. She doesn't wear anything vulgar but because of her body type anything she wears looks tight on her. She is married for 16 years and she has a 14 year old daughter. She is very serious, arrogant, and stuck up.
I was instantly extremely attracted to this woman, so much so that I could barely even look her in the eye at first. Being the quiet and reserved person that I am, I kind of didn't really talk to her, but no one thought much of it (I am known as the silent one in the office). It is pure physical attraction, not emotional. Most of other colleagues seem to think she is a stuck up overdressed snob. When she speaks with other colleagues , she tends to be overly nice and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation. Also this woman is kinda dumb. Sometimes she says some really stupid/ignorant things. Her geography is extremely bad. If somebody asked her if Australia was in southern or northern hemisphere she wouldn't know. She knows nothing about politics or the ongoing affairs of the world and thinks history is boring. To be honest the reasons I'm drawn to her are her looks and her clothes. Also she is upper middle class,stuck up snob. She is completely stuck up, spoiled and arrogant. She's a deeply unhappy woman and the only way she can feel better about herself is by feeling 'superior' to others.
I relapsed. I've snuck off to the bathroom at work many times after getting an eyeful of her walking around with her big massive breasts & butt cheeks swaying all over the place. She is so radiant and tall and big and soft.She is objectively very attractive, much hotter than any woman I've ever slept with. I know that I shouldn't do it but it is difficult to resist the urge to masturbate.It's getting out of control. Also she is always dressed in satin an silk clothes which doesn't help the situation.But she never wears anything trashy. She dresses in mainly form fitting satin and silk fashionable clothing. She has a more stylish sense of fashion but she keeps herself well covered. She is not particularly fond of wearing revealing clothes. She prefers to wear covered, yet form fitting fashionable clothes. What's happening to me?
I imagine that she and i are in the break room after hours, and she mentions that she's noticed me watching her. I relapsed because the urges where so strong i felt my heart shaking all my body. I don't know what to do.I have quite a big problem.I need to get my things in order. I feel like smashing my head against a wall sometimes I just can't stop thinking. How do I stop this?
To make things worse there is this 53year old skinny short like 5ft2 tall freckled face thin lips green eyes redhaired soft butch lesbian woman colleague. This ugly ginger midget woman walks up to the new tall curvy co worker(who i masturbate to) and gives her massages every day up to 4 times a day. She rubs her shoulders and back. Also this ginger midget always gives the new tall curvy co worker(who i masturbate to) long prolonged tight full hugs around her waist from the front side or back. Also because this ginger lesbian coworker is really short and this co worker(who i masturbate to) is tall always when she is hugging her from the front she is pressing her face on her massive soft breasts and she is "accidentally"coping a feel of her butt. She is always constantly patting her lower back and touching her hair. She also always places her hand on her ass when she stands beside her also she always links arms with her and walks leaning into her. This co worker(who i masturbate to) is always on high heels and this touchy feely ginger lesbian is always in flat shoes.Standing next to her she looks like a midget.
Their "relationship" actually has made me really jealous, and there have been a couple moments that really made me wince. I'm assuming I'm just being jealous, but if I'm the problem, how do I get over it? I want to vent this frustration out, so writing here. I see this woman my new coworker as merely sex object. With this always dressed in silk and satin woman is about lust, not love. It is pure physical attraction, not emotional. I just can't help myself because this is the way that I am, this is how my body react to her and her shiny clothes.She is extremely fashionable, elegant, glamorous, and classy. It’s more physical than actually mental.She is an absolute ideal ten for me physically. She is so tall and big and soft.I don't consider myself a very short guy (I'm 5' 9"), but she happens to be pretty tall for a woman (5' 10"). She has a an inch on me. It is very noticeable because she always wears high heels. She towers over me. I just want to have sex with her I know it’s wrong. What's happening to me?.
Is it normal to be so jealous of this ginger midget old lesbian colleague? Is it normal for me to get really jealous when this old ginger rubs her back or shoulder or hugs her or touches her hair or butt?
I don't understand it. I feel the overwhelming sensation of guilt all the time. I am sick of this. I’m confused and my mind doesn’t stop. I really worry that I’m going to lose myself completely! I don't want to waste your time but I had to get some of this out of my head. What is wrong with me? I am good looking, but really shy when it comes to women. I am wondering, how come i am so shy when it comes to good looking women? I am shy as hell when it comes to any woman i feel is attractive! I think it stems from the fact that i have always had such a low self confidence ever since i was a kid. Over the years, i have gradually built up this low self confidence, and now that i am 29, i finally do feel confident in myself, but i still have the same problem!
I often wear dress shirts or sports shirts with jeans at work, and quite like the look. I can't stop thinking about/wacking off to her.She is so radiant and tall and big and soft. She dresses in mainly form fitting satin and silk fashionable clothing. She is always on high heels and full make up on. Is this normal? I mean, on a typical work day i swear I randomly have to visit the bathroom at work about twice a day just to get shit out of my mind so i can focus on WORK. Its seriously annoying. sometimes i just WANT TO FUCKING WORK. I'm a fool who can't control myself. I'm just so upset with myself.
I feel absolutely defeated. Ground zero. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad for all the progress I made and I let it go. All the superpowers are 100% true and I had my suspicions at first. It literally fixed me and made me an awesome individual... or rather uncovered what had always been underneath.
Not sure what I can really do? I just hate myself. I wish I can find someone who can understand what I'm going through or maybe someone who's going through what I am so we can help eachother. I'd like to get someone else's opinion on this. Thanks for listening.
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