I have absolutely nothing in common with my parents.

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N_GuardianAngel

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#1  Edited By N_GuardianAngel
Member since 2017 • 19 Posts

(a bit long, but do read if you've got nothing better to do)

I just had a horrible talk turned argument with my parents. My folks are lovely, hard working, caring. They're honest people and have always provided for me, they still do. They got me a car, my mom always makes me great food, they'll choose not to go out themselves so they give that money to me instead. We have always been very close, with my sister too.

But the world they inhabit is nothing like the one i do. I'm currently in university, studying physical therapy, with hopes to switch over to medschool after i get my bachelors. I've spent time with professors, read my fair shair of books (mostly academic textbooks), watched documentaries and lots of movies, traveled to a few places. I have accepted that everything from the smallest thing to reality itself is different for everyone;what's a certain way to me might be another way to someone else.

They can't grasp that. They believe there's a "normal" and it's the same for everyone. They project their own opinions and views of themselves literally on every single matter they ever discuss. While we were "conversing", my dad threw out something like <<as far as I'm concerned, gay people will always be sick people >>. I was honestly left speechless. I realized the root of the problem possibly comes from the times they grew in, the people they were surrounded by and the ideals they were brought up with. Their sight is incredibly limited and their way of thinking simple and singular. It feels like they have a field of view of 30 degrees and can't see past that. Everything i say, even when i quote their very own words, they turn against me, think i insulted them and get offended and angry.

This was the first time we talked about our views in this depth. Previous attempts to have this kind of conversation all failed miserably mere minutes after they began. I could talk about views and cosmic theories for hours, but they cannot. Their own insecurities surface almost immediately and the discussion turns into a disaster. I raise my voice (not because of frustration but rather passion on the subject), they tell me to calm down. I speak calmly and steadily, they start yelling themselves. From weak to medieval to nonexistent points- they're all there, right around each corner.

They said that the neighbors can hear us talking about this stuff and had this look on them, like we were committing a crime or more like they were utterly ashamed of having such a conversation. To them, anyone who's ever visited a psychologist is insane and to be avoided; just an example of their opinions.

I love them, but they are incapable of talking about anything other than mundane, repetitive things of our daily routine. I don't know what to say or think. We are close, but couldn't be any further apart. I can't help but be glad i don't see the world the way they do. They have soft hearts, love and kindness in them, but their views on fundamental concepts of life are simplistic and shallow. Some things that i believe everyone, not just intellectuals, should have looked in on, they probably have never even discussed before in their lives.

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schu

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#2 schu
Member since 2003 • 10191 Posts

I think you should continue to challenge them. People who you know are good, but are suffering from a narrow view will eventually appreciate it. I hope my daughter will challenge me on the things she realizes I am wrong about. The key is finding a way to do it where they feel less threatened. Also never forget that you can't expect them to change their minds so that you can feel at least a little bit less stress about it.

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br0kenrabbit

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#3  Edited By br0kenrabbit
Member since 2004 • 17846 Posts

@n_guardianangel said:

I love them, but they are incapable of talking about anything other than mundane, repetitive things of our daily routine.

Average IQ folk. And I don't mean that in a mean way, my parents are the same way. Some people are incapable of contemplating anything that doesn't directly involve them or their personal trails and troubles.

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deactivated-598fc45371265

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#4  Edited By deactivated-598fc45371265
Member since 2008 • 13247 Posts

@n_guardianangel said:

I have absolutely nothing in common with my parents.

My folks are lovely, hard working, caring. They're honest people

Dude you don't have to be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you're lovely too.

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deactivated-598fc45371265

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#5 deactivated-598fc45371265
Member since 2008 • 13247 Posts

@n_guardianangel said:

I have accepted that everything from the smallest thing to reality itself is different for everyone;what's a certain way to me might be another way to someone else.

i can't help but think that if this was the case then your parents wouldn't bother you

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Gaming-Planet

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#6 Gaming-Planet
Member since 2008 • 21063 Posts

Respect that they have different opinions and that the topics you bring up aren't all that interesting to them. Find other people that can converse such matter.

Very few people I can have an intellectual talk with someone, ignoring emotions and sticking to facts before things get too awkward and nihilistic.

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PSP107

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#7  Edited By PSP107
Member since 2007 • 18781 Posts

@Gaming-Planet:"Find other people that can converse such matter."

As you get older, they start spending time with people their own age and develop trends/personality that way.

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N_GuardianAngel

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#8  Edited By N_GuardianAngel
Member since 2017 • 19 Posts

@Gaming-Planet: I wish my parents could adopt even 10% of that thinking. I don't think they'll ever appreciate any of it. No matter how hard i try to explain something, they constantly mistake my efforts for direct insults towards them.

@schu: You could also interpret the title as me not being human like them. Not what i meant either way. We are not alike when it comes to our way of thinking, beliefs and views. Not sure what you mean by the second comment. I never enforced anything upon them. And they don't "bother" me. They just cannot sustain a certain level of quality(or however you may call it) in their conversations.

@Storm_Marine: I understand that they have entirely different views(some of which I'd leave back in the 15th century were it up to me) from me. What i dislike is that they don't even have views on certain matters, and they think I'm some crazy person for having one on them(or so their behavior tells me). I told them what i firmly believe, which is that life is not measured in years but in experiences, and that, to me, a person who's done anything and everything and passes on at an early age, has lived a better/more fulfilling life than someone who's been doing the same things over for 80 years. You should've seen the grins they got. They went on the defensive and i proceeded to tell them (or attempt to, at least) that this is how i see things, how it's my own opinion. Never got around to finishing my thought because, again, they got offended, somehow.

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themajormayor

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#9 themajormayor
Member since 2011 • 25729 Posts

Jeez, it's not like you have to marry them or anything.

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SOedipus

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#10 SOedipus
Member since 2006 • 14776 Posts

You're adopted.

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borninblood60

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#11  Edited By borninblood60
Member since 2017 • 262 Posts

I have nothing in common with most of my family, different tastes in music, movies and other entertainment. As for what they think politically we are pretty much on the same level.

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#12  Edited By blaznwiipspman1
Member since 2007 • 16478 Posts

@n_guardianangel said:

(a bit long, but do read if you've got nothing better to do)

I just had a horrible talk turned argument with my parents. My folks are lovely, hard working, caring. They're honest people and have always provided for me, they still do. They got me a car, my mom always makes me great food, they'll choose not to go out themselves so they give that money to me instead. We have always been very close, with my sister too.

But the world they inhabit is nothing like the one i do. I'm currently in university, studying physical therapy, with hopes to switch over to medschool after i get my bachelors. I've spent time with professors, read my fair shair of books (mostly academic textbooks), watched documentaries and lots of movies, traveled to a few places. I have accepted that everything from the smallest thing to reality itself is different for everyone;what's a certain way to me might be another way to someone else.

They can't grasp that. They believe there's a "normal" and it's the same for everyone. They project their own opinions and views of themselves literally on every single matter they ever discuss. While we were "conversing", my dad threw out something like <<as far as I'm concerned, gay people will always be sick people >>. I was honestly left speechless. I realized the root of the problem possibly comes from the times they grew in, the people they were surrounded by and the ideals they were brought up with. Their sight is incredibly limited and their way of thinking simple and singular. It feels like they have a field of view of 30 degrees and can't see past that. Everything i say, even when i quote their very own words, they turn against me, think i insulted them and get offended and angry.

This was the first time we talked about our views in this depth. Previous attempts to have this kind of conversation all failed miserably mere minutes after they began. I could talk about views and cosmic theories for hours, but they cannot. Their own insecurities surface almost immediately and the discussion turns into a disaster. I raise my voice (not because of frustration but rather passion on the subject), they tell me to calm down. I speak calmly and steadily, they start yelling themselves. From weak to medieval to nonexistent points- they're all there, right around each corner.

They said that the neighbors can hear us talking about this stuff and had this look on them, like we were committing a crime or more like they were utterly ashamed of having such a conversation. To them, anyone who's ever visited a psychologist is insane and to be avoided; just an example of their opinions.

I love them, but they are incapable of talking about anything other than mundane, repetitive things of our daily routine. I don't know what to say or think. We are close, but couldn't be any further apart. I can't help but be glad i don't see the world the way they do. They have soft hearts, love and kindness in them, but their views on fundamental concepts of life are simplistic and shallow. Some things that i believe everyone, not just intellectuals, should have looked in on, they probably have never even discussed before in their lives.

you're very close minded...its easy to get stuck on your beliefs, but not everything has a right and wrong answer. For example, your dad saying that gay people will always be sick people--there may be some truth to that if homosexuality is a genetic condition/abberation. Don't take it the wrong way, I don't have any issues with gays...never did, even before it became the politically correct thing to support them. I may have made tons of immature jokes about them growing up, but again it was never malevolant. I never felt uncomfortable around them or the topic...maybe this is because I was never a religious person. Your parents may be religious people or have grown up in a house hold that was deeply religious. If thats true, they were probably taught that gays are demon spawn.

Anyways, keep more of an open mind on things. Nobody made you supreme ruler of the universe, and just going to university doesn't make you an expert on such topics. Parents usually have alot of wisdom in them, they've lived far longer than you and experienced more.

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R3FURBISHED

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#13 R3FURBISHED
Member since 2008 • 12408 Posts

You've got their genes...

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#14 AND1SALTTAPE
Member since 2015 • 861 Posts

@Storm_Marine said:
@n_guardianangel said:

I have absolutely nothing in common with my parents.

My folks are lovely, hard working, caring. They're honest people

Dude you don't have to be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you're lovely too.

@SOedipus said:

You're adopted.

You clever bastards... stole my jabs..

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#15  Edited By N_GuardianAngel
Member since 2017 • 19 Posts
@blaznwiipspman1 said:

you're very close minded...its easy to get stuck on your beliefs, but not everything has a right and wrong answer. For example, your dad saying that gay people will always be sick people--there may be some truth to that if homosexuality is a genetic condition/abberation. Don't take it the wrong way, I don't have any issues with gays...never did, even before it became the politically correct thing to support them. I may have made tons of immature jokes about them growing up, but again it was never malevolant. I never felt uncomfortable around them or the topic...maybe this is because I was never a religious person. Your parents may be religious people or have grown up in a house hold that was deeply religious. If thats true, they were probably taught that gays are demon spawn.

Anyways, keep more of an open mind on things. Nobody made you supreme ruler of the universe, and just going to university doesn't make you an expert on such topics. Parents usually have alot of wisdom in them, they've lived far longer than you and experienced more.

I really do not consider myself narrow minded. And while i said that some of my parents' views are what people had in the middle ages, i did not say i didn't respect them or that i want them to change. It's the fact that even talking about these things makes them so agitated that they try to force their beliefs on me and take everything i say as an insult to them. Discussing about anything other than who did what, what car X person bought, whose kids dropped out and the likes, is shameful to them.

We're all Christians, and yeah they may believe in some things that i find a little too extreme, but they're far from fanatics. It's not like we go to church every Sunday or anything. I don't think it's about religion, rather than the circumstances and the environment they grew up in. And no, going to university doesn't make me an expert on life, i just mentioned it because i believe I'm a very different person than who i was, say, 4 years ago. People you meet, things you do, places you visit- they all affect one's personality and forge their character.

As far as homosexuality goes, yeah i make jokes about gays with my friends on a daily basis, but to me they are people like any other with just a different sexual orientation. Few gays I've met were really kind, funny and open hearted people, and you'd never know they're gay unless you got to know them well. So, again, people like any other.

And, seriously, homosexuality as a genetic condition? Only clueless people would believe that. Although there are ongoing studies, the majority of the science community(genetics, neuroscience, psychophysiology) does not support that claim. Even if, years from now, homosexuality was linked to a specific marker, or comprehensive changes and alterations in the genome, how would it be a "condition"? Condition usually hints pathology, of which gays have none. Would you feel the need to "cure" them? It would be as much a condition as black/white people are, as red-haired people are, as blue eyed people are; that's genetic variety. IF it is ever proven to be genetic.

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#16 NathanDrakeSwag
Member since 2013 • 17392 Posts

Sounds like your parents are smarter than you TC.

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#17  Edited By mirgamer
Member since 2003 • 2489 Posts

@n_guardianangel said:

(a bit long, but do read if you've got nothing better to do)

But the world they inhabit is nothing like the one i do. I'm currently in university, studying physical therapy, with hopes to switch over to medschool after i get my bachelors. I've spent time with professors, read my fair shair of books (mostly academic textbooks), watched documentaries and lots of movies, traveled to a few places. I have accepted that everything from the smallest thing to reality itself is different for everyone;what's a certain way to me might be another way to someone else.

I think this is really the problem for you tbh and you should listen to your own advice. You said it yourself, reality is different from everyone. Their reality is obviously very different from yours based on a much different times...but even though you already knew that, i get the feeling that you actually want them to change according to what you've learnt...or to be like the intelligent people/professors/academics you enjoyed talking with. You want them to be more like you...just as much as they think "normal" is the same for everyone and everything. Maybe its time for you to accept...they don't want to change. And that its not so important that they change to be someone that you idealised more.

Your story is a very familiar story (and i bet for many others) but i've long realised that my parents dont really care about what I've learnt(not so much anyway), they just want to see their child live a happy, contented, fulfilling and productive life. Thats it. Has it occur to you that maybe your parents are just happy with talking small things with you? Mundane, routine but still very essential life thingies? Does every conversation has to be some deep and insightful exchanging of ideas?

lol tbh your story is very very common, especially for those in their late teens and early twenties. Its the phase in life where every kid think he/she has figured out life more than their old folks. It happens to almost everyone, trust me. You'll grow through it. I'm not saying you're totally wrong but in time, you realised that such things aren't very important at all.

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#18  Edited By mrbojangles25
Member since 2005 • 57977 Posts

Everyone feels this way about their parents in some way or another.

"I don't understand how my *insert family member title here* can feel this way about *insert subject you feel is a complete and utter injustice*, we have nothing in common, it's like I don't even know them"

Chances are they have, will, or do feel the same way about you, too; maybe/probably even over the very thing you are arguing over at that moment :P I will admit it is sad your folks feel that way about homosexuals, but sadly it is not an uncommon view, just an old-fashioned one at this point. Fortunately it is approaching the point of "dated" and I imagine in a decade or two it will reach "obsolete" and even "unlawful"

What you need to ask yourself is this:

1. Can you disagree with your parents and discuss/debate (not argue) this subject and respect each other, and not get all riled up? It's tough but it can be done.

2. Are you/they going to get all pissed when the subject comes up and is there going to be an argument? And is it worth it? If it's not worth it, maybe you best just not talk about it. This sometimes means being the bigger person and letting them talk some shit and just walking away, letting them say "Homosexuality is a sin!" and just going "Hmmmmm OK then..." and walking away. It sucks but better than arguing and punching a hole in the drywall like most angsty kids do.

@SOedipus said:

You're adopted.

I'm waiting for that phone call. For that puzzle piece to fall into place.

I mean they'll still be my folks of course, but it would just be like "Ahhhhhhhhhhh now it makes sense!!!!!" *forehead slap*

I can't be the only one that feels this way...

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Jaysonguy

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#19 Jaysonguy
Member since 2006 • 39454 Posts

Ehhh, usually you see your parents and know not where to screw up.

Since you're doing things different than they are it's logical that you go off on a different path as far as who you are.

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#20 Star67
Member since 2005 • 5162 Posts

@br0kenrabbit said:
@n_guardianangel said:

I love them, but they are incapable of talking about anything other than mundane, repetitive things of our daily routine.

Average IQ folk. And I don't mean that in a mean way, my parents are the same way. Some people are incapable of contemplating anything that doesn't directly involve them or their personal trails and troubles.

I have the same problem with my girlfriend's parents. You can't really talk about anything other than what's in front of you or on TV. There' no deep thought or critical thinking.

Did your parents attend college? That's where most people encounter challenges to their belief system and they either give up and quit or learn to challenge their current ways of thinking. Good for you on expanding your knowledge and critical thinking skills.

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br0kenrabbit

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#21 br0kenrabbit
Member since 2004 • 17846 Posts

@Star67 said:

I have the same problem with my girlfriend's parents. You can't really talk about anything other than what's in front of you or on TV. There' no deep thought or critical thinking.

Did your parents attend college? That's where most people encounter challenges to their belief system and they either give up and quit or learn to challenge their current ways of thinking. Good for you on expanding your knowledge and critical thinking skills.

My parents did not go to college, my father was a Vietnam-era Marine. Volunteer, not drafted. A red-blooded, dyed-in-the-wool anti-union republican. Machinist by trade. My mother is a country southern baptist housewife. They're good hard-working people, they're just not interesting. Their political beliefs run no deeper than what's discussed on TV. Their conversations revolve around family affairs or community happenings, interspersed with celebrity and TV gossip.

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#22  Edited By appariti0n
Member since 2009 • 4998 Posts

I hear ya, every time I have a challenge in my life, my parents tell me to just "leave it to the lord, he has a plan".

I guess watching a close family friend die young from cancer was what.... plan B? Plan C?

Not to mention the whole "God answers prayer!" every time something works out.

Completely ignoring all the times it DIDN'T work. (see above)

It really puzzles me, as my dad is probably more intelligent than I am, at least when it comes to book smarts.

At least my parents don't hate Homosexuals, but they do still believe it's a grave sin.

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#23  Edited By Baconstrip78
Member since 2013 • 1850 Posts

@n_guardianangel: Welcome to adulthood.

You're in college, but just remember to keep the open-mindedness after you graduate. Always adapt to change. Always stay current, even down to little things like music and pop culture. Everything counts. I'm not saying you should be the old guy in skinny jeans and a straight-billed cap, but you shouldn't dismiss the style, interests, and viewpoints of young people. That is how you become your parents, locked into whatever they were 30 years ago and unable to move on from that identity.

The conversations with my parents are "how's work, how's your girlfriend, etc". My father and I talk about sports and nothing else. Anything outside of that topic is a minefield, but that's fine. My sister and I used to argue constantly when we were in college, and we are closer now than ever.

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#24 Jak42
Member since 2016 • 1093 Posts

Better off accepting those are their personal views. Instead of trying to change them.

You'll be more at peace. Unless they're discriminating aganist someone because of certain personal lifestyles in a work place. They're not doing anything illegal. And if we truly believe in freedom and diversity for that matter. Letting someone think and believe differently than you goes both ways.

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#25 Skarwolf
Member since 2006 • 2718 Posts

Sounds like you've been indoctrinated by your college into the cult of social justice warriors. Anyone who suggests a status quo is like holding a cross to a vampire. Thing is when you sit down and look at your views on life and how people should live you're just as judgmental if not more so then your parents.

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#26  Edited By Micheley
Member since 2017 • 2 Posts

Sometimes it's happen :(