I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations in my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees. I write award winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics would wide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the golden plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I run 100m in 9.65 seconds. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room in one evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week, when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let of steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only some vegetables and a toaster. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to university.
Hilarious University application
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