do you keep secrets from your significant other? is it wise?

Avatar image for 4myAmuzumament
#1 Posted by 4myAmuzumament (1791 posts) -

When you're in a relationship, two becomes one. Everything should be shared.

Do you agree?

Should anything the other asks be fair game? or do you believe there are things worth withholding from your lover?

most importantly:

- have you ever NOT revealed something to your S.O. that s/he wanted to know about?

- are you comfortable with the parts of you that others may ask to know more about?

- have your past relationships come up with your current S.O.? did you elaborate or keep it short?

I've had relationships go sour because I'm bad at sharing certain things and being more open about myself right away, specifically when it comes to exes; I just don't like talking about it.

What about you guys: what does OT think?

Avatar image for AmazonTreeBoa
#2 Posted by AmazonTreeBoa (16745 posts) -

No and no.

Avatar image for KiIIyou
#3 Posted by KiIIyou (27185 posts) -

When you can tell someone you love everything about ya and have em still love ya is the best feeling ever.

Avatar image for -Cranium
#4 Posted by -Cranium (4377 posts) -

Nice try, honey!

Avatar image for grimseeker
#5 Posted by grimseeker (1000 posts) -

I only keep one secret from her: I post on Gamespot forums.

Just kidding, I'm not in a relationship.

Avatar image for Serraph105
#6 Posted by Serraph105 (32240 posts) -

Despends on what secret you're talking about, obviously presents and surprises are best kept secret. Emotions should really be shared, after all what's the point of having a significant other if you can't confide your feelings?

Avatar image for hippiesanta
#7 Posted by hippiesanta (10299 posts) -

@4myAmuzumament said:

When you're in a relationship, two becomes one. Everything should be shared.

why must???

I got a former friend (now enemy) who share his facebook password with his the new girlfriend and she read all our faceboo activities ..... and she start text messege to all of us to leave her boyfriend alone

Avatar image for commander
#8 Posted by commander (14701 posts) -

Depends what secrets you have

I would start with not making any new ones

Avatar image for XilePrincess
#9 Edited by XilePrincess (13130 posts) -

I'm at nearly 7 years in the relationship I'm in now, and I'm an open book. I don't keep anything from him. He can ask me where I am and what I'm doing at any given moment and I'll give him full details because nothing I'm doing is anything I should be ashamed of or want to hide from him.

The last time I lied to him or kept something from him was his birthday a couple years back, where I snuck into his house earlier than I said I would be coming, hid in a bathroom and waited for him to leave so I could decorate the house. Surprise-party secrets are the only acceptable type of secrets.

I don't think everything needs to be SHARED, specifically, but you shouldn't hide things. You don't have to volunteer all information (like that the girl who works in your office flirts with you, if you're not reciprocating) but if they ask you should be willing to share it. Honesty is why my relationship is where it is today and lying and secrets only hurt things.

If, for example, you and your girlfriend were fighting and you got drunk and made out with some girl, I think (unfortunately from experience here) that you should tell her, and let her decide what happens next. If she finds out later that you did something like that, even if it meant nothing, the damage will be FAR harder to repair than if you'd been honest at the beginning.

My boyfriend and I have been together so ridiculously long and through so much that we've shared almost every detail of our lives with each other, including grade school crushes and things as frivolous as that. Past relationships are something we've discussed at length, when appropriate, but are not something that really have much to do with us in our current situation.


EDIT: The facebook password comment above got me thinking too; yes we both know or could guess each other's passwords for the majority of things, and I would never mind him going on my accounts and he doesn't mind me going on his.

I think shared passwords are a slippery slope, and not always appropriate and certainly not required. If you're okay with sharing, great. If you're not, that's fine too. Accounts are private things, and you're no more obligated to share your facebook information than you are your debit pin with a significant other.

Avatar image for k--m--k
#10 Posted by k--m--k (2549 posts) -

I think its stupid how people use the term "significant other"

Avatar image for XilePrincess
#12 Posted by XilePrincess (13130 posts) -

@k--m--k said:

I think its stupid how people use the term "significant other"

It's a short way of encompassing boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, commonlaw partner/husband/wife, partner, fiance, etc etc etc. in one much shorter term.

Avatar image for themajormayor
#13 Posted by themajormayor (25726 posts) -

Yes I keep secrets.

Avatar image for betamaxx83
#14 Posted by betamaxx83 (360 posts) -

No I've always been upfront with my relationships and honest. I expect the same, why be with somebody if you can't be yourself vice versa.

Avatar image for korvus
#15 Edited by korvus (11080 posts) -

Me and my girl share everything. Even when I proposed to her and did this huge surprise public proposal we had already discussed that I was going to propose (although not the "how" or "when"). I find it extremely difficult to keep anything from her, not because she makes it hard but because with her I always feel like I want to share everything.

It started with a "I want to show you I'm an open book" feeling from both of us, but at a point it became so liberating. She tells me about guys who flirt with her, I tell her about my arguments with my family, she calls me from work and says "Can you read my emails and give me the gist of it?", she has all my passwords, etc etc...

As for the "did the ex convo come up?" she told me about her exes (ex's? Damn my English...) and I've even met some of them, and I had none to speak about since I'm really picky =P

I don't think I'd be comfortable in a relationship where I felt like I needed to keep stuff hidden.

Avatar image for IMAHAPYHIPPO
#16 Posted by IMAHAPYHIPPO (3193 posts) -

It depends on the secret and how it would impact the relationship if they found out. But the simple truth is -- relationships don't work when people are dishonest.

Avatar image for LJS9502_basic
#17 Posted by LJS9502_basic (163253 posts) -

Depends. Even though a relationship is about sharing....it's not about losing yourself in the process.

Avatar image for Bigboi500
#18 Posted by Bigboi500 (35550 posts) -

@4myAmuzumament said:

When you're in a relationship, two becomes one. Everything should be shared.

Do you agree?

Hell no. Things might be all peachy now, and you might think that person will love and be faithful to you forever, but at any time all that could change. If you tell them things they can use against you in the future, they will.

Some things you just keep to yourself, always.

Avatar image for 4myAmuzumament
#19 Posted by 4myAmuzumament (1791 posts) -

replies in this thread helped me reevaluate some things, thanks everyone

Avatar image for sukraj
#20 Posted by sukraj (27606 posts) -

No I dont

Avatar image for korvus
#21 Posted by korvus (11080 posts) -

@Bigboi500 said:

Hell no. Things might be all peachy now, and you might think that person will love and be faithful to you forever, but at any time all that could change. If you tell them things they can use against you in the future, they will.

Some things you just keep to yourself, always.

So if you find someone who you'd want to spend the rest of your life with, could you keep everything significant about you from her "just in case" and still be happy and fulfilled with said relationship? Not criticizing your opinion, just curious =)

Avatar image for JangoWuzHere
#22 Posted by JangoWuzHere (19032 posts) -

@4myAmuzumament said:

When you're in a relationship, two becomes one. Everything should be shared.

Do you agree?

No, that's lame. If things were to go south in a relationship, I don't want the other person to hurt me in a significant way.

Avatar image for bforrester420
#23 Edited by bforrester420 (3480 posts) -

It depends on the nature of the secret. If its something that can only hurt them and ruin your relationship, it's probably best to keep it a secret. If it's something that will hurt them or your relationship whether they know about it or not (such as debt, job loss, etc), it's best to be open.

Avatar image for bowchicka07
#24 Posted by bowchicka07 (1104 posts) -

I just like to get everything out there and then if she still likes me then I know she actually likes me for me and not some fabricated version of myself.

It's one of the greatest feelings ever to have everything out in the open and have someone still be into you. You have nothing to hide and you will feel completely enlightened and unburdened in that aspect of your life.

On the other hand, they can have secrets all they want because there is probably somethings I would rather not know.

Avatar image for Brain_Duster
#25 Posted by Brain_Duster (473 posts) -

Yes. Some things are better kept to oneself.

Avatar image for Bigboi500
#26 Posted by Bigboi500 (35550 posts) -

@korvus said:

@Bigboi500 said:

Hell no. Things might be all peachy now, and you might think that person will love and be faithful to you forever, but at any time all that could change. If you tell them things they can use against you in the future, they will.

Some things you just keep to yourself, always.

So if you find someone who you'd want to spend the rest of your life with, could you keep everything significant about you from her "just in case" and still be happy and fulfilled with said relationship? Not criticizing your opinion, just curious =)

Oh no, but things that could be used against me in court over custody battles etc, deep personal secrets, things that if exposed could damage careers and reputations, things that make me vulnerable etc I'd keep to myself. Things I'd never tell anyone.

And to those who share passwords... that's just ridiculous. I did that once with a gf on facebook, terrible idea because she logged into my account and an ex was trying to chat me (her) up. Very awkward situation to say the least.

Avatar image for korvus
#27 Posted by korvus (11080 posts) -

@Bigboi500: That's quite a list. What have you been doing with your life, man? =P I guess for me it's easy to share everything (passwords included) because I don't have anything like you just described. She's free to dig and search whatever she wants, there's nothing I've done that I'm embarrassed about.

Avatar image for ad1x2
#28 Edited by ad1x2 (6739 posts) -

Outside of classified information for obvious reasons, I prefer not to keep any secrets from a significant other that I trust. Otherwise it has the potential to cause a rift in the relationship.

One secret I did keep from my wife was how somebody I knew sent a typed scenario to me detailing how foreign spouses from developing countries may try to screw over their new husband.

I felt she didn't need to hear about it and the person who sent it to me was told thanks but no thanks for the information even though it does happen to some people.

Avatar image for Bigboi500
#29 Posted by Bigboi500 (35550 posts) -

@korvus said:

@Bigboi500: That's quite a list. What have you been doing with your life, man? =P I guess for me it's easy to share everything (passwords included) because I don't have anything like you just described. She's free to dig and search whatever she wants, there's nothing I've done that I'm embarrassed about.

Well, it's not just things I've done, but things that have happened to me that was out of my control. I guess there really are angels among us with squeaky clean existences with nothing to hide or no life scars. ;)

I've had a rough life and experienced a lot of ups and downs, but somehow managed to come out of it alright and I think I'm a better person because of it.

Avatar image for korvus
#30 Posted by korvus (11080 posts) -

@Bigboi500: Hehe, I've made mistakes like everyone else, I just have no regrets and unless you count stepping on the grass or driving 10km/h over the speed limit, never done anything against the law; I'm just boring that way. Haven't done anything that would harm my reputation either but I can see how it would suck if such things happened not because you wanted to but because you couldn't avoid it. Sorry to hear that.

Avatar image for glitter
#31 Edited by Glitter (355 posts) -

I have no significant other and never will. I have a secret that I can never tell anyone, so that alone binds me from ever being able to be in a relationship since I would feel the need to be 100% honest if I was in a relationship. All I can do is continue on with this miserable life alone and hope for the best.

Avatar image for thehig1
#32 Posted by thehig1 (6498 posts) -

There is a few things I dont tell my other half, but nothing major.

Things like what Porn I masturbate over, she knows I do it and is okay with it but has no idea what I use, I always give generic answers to that as I visit some pretty extreme fetish sites.