Can some people please explain what “Gaslighting” is?

Just heard the term, today.

@sexay_vixen: Is that when someone farts and then lights it?

@DEVILinIRON:

That was close to my reaction. I just can’t make sense of what it is or what the point is? I guess it’s popular amongst the kids these days. My son knew more about it than I did. When he told me the term I was baffled at first. Sorry, trying to make sense of it.

It's from a book, where the main character is looking around in the attic for a treasure and keeps hitting the gas line making the gas lights flicker. He tells his wife the flickering lights are all in her head and she begins to believe she is going insane.

The term basically means to deny the obvious truth and to make the person being lied to question their recollection/sanity.

It's a term used to describe a certain type of abusive relationship.

Person A (victim) will say something like "You said you would do ____"
Person B (abuser) replies "No I didn't, you are not remembering things right"
Person A will let it slide

Eventually this repeats for a while until Person A becomes so convinced they are forgetful, stupid, dumb, or otherwise absentminded when in reality they are being manipulated by their abusive partners.

It's a real thing, and serious, but I think the term is overused. People, even smart people, do forget things and need to be reminded or corrected. But then some witness will see a man call their girlfriend on something, maybe a bit harshly, and then think "oh man that prick is totally gaslighting her what a jerk" when really he is not. If this is a constant thing, then yeah probably gaslighting, but on occasion? No.

I still don’t understand. So it is not done on purpose? I do not understand the effect it is supposed to have. Why is it popular amongst middle school and high school kids? Is it too much video games and iPhones?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. Some people do it and don't even know it. Usually people that gaslight are pathological liars. They do it to manipulate you or to get what they want or just to piss you off.

When women do it they'll pretend to like you and lead you on through their actions. They'll flirt with you and lead you on. They'll get you to believe they like you then tell you they don't.

When a guy does it. They'll take something of yours and move it when you say I left it right here they say no you didn't it's over here.

Those are just a couple examples. It can happen in different scenarios. People that gaslight try to get you not to believe your own senses recollection and perception.

The key to fighting being gaslit is to know when someone is doing it. Once your aware of it it's harder for people to do. The best way to fight it is to gaslight them back. If you confront someone about it usually they'll just deny it. Most people that do it don't know the term for it. It's best not to let them learn about it.

@jdc6305:

That. Sounds. Ridiculous.

And. Plain. Stupid.

And....it makes less sense now that just 60 minutes ago.

What!!??!!

Society likes to invent new terms to describe something already known.

We use to call this being manipulative, liar, abusive etc etc but now its "gaslighting" because people feel it makes them sound smart, trendy, "in touch with current events" and using it somehow automatically makes them right, regardless how flimsy their original or baseless their point is.

I don't really get it either. I mean I am reading the examples people are giving here and I kind of get it? But idk.

I have heard the term used before, within like the last year or two. I didn't know it was used by people that young though.

Adding to what you mentioned, society takes one of these terms and runs with it. "Watershed moment" is another one. It is used and used and used to the point of a tiresome overuse of a "trendy" term.

It's typically a way for people who are abusive in other ways to maintain power over their victims by convincing them they're not being abused. For instance, if a husband shoves his wife and she breaks her arm, then the husband says she was just being clumsy. Some people do get a thrill out of just doing it for the sake of doing it, though. That's usually an indicator of low-level psychopathy.

@theone86:

That sounds like half-wit behavior. No offense.

I thought it was something just for the youths. You mean adults do this sort of thing?

@sexay_vixen: I was thinking it was something mostly adults and young adults did before I clicked on this thread. I guess my impression of what gaslighting was had been totally off-the-mark though.

In concept it may sound stupid but gaslighting is a real thing. The way I described it may have been a bit off. I had been awake a long time when I typed my original post. It's kind of hard to describe unless you've been the target of it. I had an entire step family that were either psychopaths or sociopaths. I'm not a psychiatrist so I can't diagnose them. My step family were the most demented dysfunctional people you'd ever meet. I don't know if they learned gaslighting or it was just an inherent personality trait but they loved to do it. I didn't know what it was until I stumbled across the term on the internet. There was a lot of psychological abuse going on in my house. I was at war with my step family. My step family liked to use gaslighting but I don't think they knew what it was called or anything. Gaslighting isn't something you come across every day. It's a from of manipulation it can be very subtle. The person gaslighting does something to get a reaction out of you then try's to convince you or others that they didn't do it or that you're imagining things.

It’s essentially manipulating someone by instilling into them self-doubt.

The thing with people that gaslight others is, they tend to be very charismatic. They know how to work a crowd, how to charm, how to manipulate. They're probably more comfortable in front of a crowd than you are, and will or have called you out on things in front of others "as a joke".

It's also subtle and something that takes time to build up. No "one thing", no single example, is going to be enough for you to go "See look at what they're doing". In short, only the victim and maybe a psychologist would be able to pinpoint what's going on.

Hmmm, sounds like something a gaslighter would say!

Nah, I kid. The term has been around for a long time, it just hasn't been used a lot until now. Or maybe it's one of those things that has always been used, you just never paid attention to it, sort of like when someone says "Wow there are a lot of orange cars out there!" and suddenly you think you see more orange cars when really there are no more or less than before.

Remember when people started using the term "zeitgeist" a lot? Then there was that dumb movie called that. Old word, just something not really used often or paid much attention.

Psychopaths and sociopaths share a lot of the same traits--disregard for law, disregard for other's feelings, lying and deception, and a lack of remorse for doing wrong--but sociopaths are generally unaware of what they are doing, while psychopaths are aware and do it anyway. A sociopath can form bonds with people; they might kill animals, but they won't kill their own pets. A psychopath would kill all animals, including their own.

A sociopath might kill someone and suddenly realize they did something wrong. They know it's wrong and won't do it again.

A psychopath will kill someone, find that they like it, and try to do it again. They know it's wrong, and don't care.

All psychopaths are sociopaths, but not all sociopaths are psychopaths. Chances are your step-family are sociopaths, and it is learned behavior. I think they're finding that psychopathy is generally more inhereted, more easy to medically diagnose.

Sorry your step-family are such pieces of shit, that has to be tough.

"The psychopath is callous, yet charming. He or she will con and manipulate others with charisma and intimidation and can effectively mimic feelings to present as "normal" to society. The psychopath is organized in their criminal thinking and behavior, and can maintain good emotional and physical control, displaying little to no emotional or autonomic arousal, even under situations that most would find threatening or horrifying. The psychopath is keenly aware that what he or she is doing is wrong, but does not care.

"Conversely, the sociopath is less organized in his or her demeanor; he or she might be nervous, easily agitated, and quick to display anger. A sociopath is more likely to spontaneously act out in inappropriate ways without thinking through the consequences. Compared to the psychopath, the sociopath will not be able to move through society committing callous crimes as easily, as they can form attachments and often have 'normal temperaments.' . . ."

https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/psychopath/psychopath-vs-sociopath-what-s-the-difference

Thanks for asking that question I've always wondered it myself because I work with a sociopath. Like...certifiable sociopath, it's terrible. Can't imagine living with one.

Exactly that's a good way to put it. I couldn't think of it when I was typing.

@mrbojangles25: Yeah the stuff I saw my step family do was unreal. I can't even describe it on here. I was living with 4 sociopaths. I'm an only child and my mom tried to stay out of the fights. So it was me against them. Yeah torturing animals was one of their past times. I mean they were seriously demented. It all ended with my step dad putting a gun to my moms head. He didn't do it and he was arrested. My mom kicked him and his kids out and got a restraining order against them.

@mrbojangles25:

From what i gather they would be the opposite of charismatic and/or sociable. Again im just trying to grasp what the point is, as it just sounds so stupid and childish.

Why would “gaslighting” someone make the person doing it charismatic? How did you even arrive at that? Lol sorry but this is why the more that people answer, the less sense it makes.

@jdc6305:

Again i don’t see manipulation. I see delusions, or what the person doing it WANTS to think they know what the person they are doing it to is thinking, but that would only be an assumption.

In reality what im understanding is the people that do it make themselves look bad?

Contrary to popular belief, being "antisocial" (as sociopaths, gaslighters, etc are) does not mean you dislike socializing; in fact, it generally means the opposite. In order to be able to manipulate people to that degree, you have to wield some sort of influence, some sort of charisma. You have to be convincing.

Fun fact: a lot of CEO's and leaders are certified sociopaths. They get in front of the camera, and they charm and dazzle and speak well, but they also make ruthless decisions that cost people their jobs, livelihood, and sometimes lives. Ted Bundy was a handsome, charming young man that was able to manipulate women into trusting him. Charles Manson was able to convince perfect strangers to kill for him. All of these people, from execs like Elon Musk to killers like Bundy, are sociopaths yet have an almost celebrity status.

This is how you can be a manipulative asshole, but still win people over. That guy I mention at work? Try as I might to hate him, he keeps winning me over because he will come up to me and start talking about things we have a mutual affection for. Then when he does screw me over, I am always surprised, then I kick myself in my own ass for falling for it again...which is, again, an example of gaslighting.

Gaslighting doesn't make someone charismatic, it is more something that charismatic people do because they can get away with it. It's an abuse (gaslighting) of power (charisma). My best friend growing up was a gaslighter. He had all the parents and teachers convinced he was this charming little boy with a heart of gold, then one day I had enough of his shit, pushed him to the ground, and he comes chasing after me with a pickaxe because he just couldn't comprehend being put in his place by someone he considers inferior. People found out about it and they changed their opinions about him. This same friend pointed a loaded pellet gun at my eyeball, constantly verbally abused me, and so on.

Gaslighters are also good at picking out victims. The friend I was talking about knew I was a shy, quiet guy who could take a beating and probably wouldn't tell on him, and he was right because I just took his abuse. This guy at work knows the same because I don't really complain, don't bitch; he knows I'll just keep showing up to work and do my job, and his, while he is charming all the executives. This coworker has literally done things that have nearly killed people and still has his job; you don't get to do that unless you know how to talk a lot of game and charm people.

@mrbojangles25:

But that all goes against what gaslighting has been described as. There IS no social aspect unless they are directly involved. That is what i don’t understand. My son brought it up and said some kids are doing it but they keep in the shadows—going off that, THAT is 100% antisocial. Id even go as far as saying that people which do such a thing are very unhappy delusional people as they are just trying to hurt a happy boy in my son?

The social aspect comes from convincing their victim they are delusional.

If two equal people of equal charisma and speech talk to each other, a would-be gaslighter would not be able to pull the wool over the intended victim's eyes.

However, if one of these people is charming, and charismatic, and a smooth talker...and the other shy, quiet, and lacking in confidence...then the former is going to be able to gaslight the latter.

If this happens in a more social situation with friends or whatever, then the issue is compounded because not only are you convincing the victim they are delusional, you are also convincing the group. Hence the charismatic aspect of it.

@mrbojangles25:

Which would be AN ASSUMPTION on that persons part, making them the delusional one.

You must not be a parent or be rather young. :)

stop gaslighting me :P

@sexay_vixen: assumptions don’t make one delusional. We all assume, and we’re not delusional. Just oftentimes mistaken.

People who are very acute observers can make surprisingly accurate assumptions about others and then leverage those assumptions to their benefit while retaining rational beliefs. That’s the entire art of manipulation.

@mrbojangles25:

Excuse me? This is a serious thread. Real question being asked.

@MirkoS77:

Of course but when they wrong boy are they wrong which makes them all the more delusional

@sexay_vixen: assumptions are superficial guesswork based on fleeting observations, they’re not an absolute, deeply held conviction of a false belief, which is a delusion. Skillful manipulators can convince people to believe in delusions, so who says they even have to be correct in their assumptions to manipulate? All they need to find are people who are gullible and uncertain of themselves.

And mrbojangles is jesting you, lighten up.

@MirkoS77:

You are misunderstanding me or overlooking what I had said. Lol actually you sort of reiterated what I had just said.