A new Poem I just wrote.

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honkyjoe

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#1 honkyjoe
Member since 2005 • 5907 Posts

It is about anger and trauma related to family issues.

Does this fighting ever end?

My father yells I try to blend.

I cannot help but try to mend

these emotional scars and macabre thoughts I Dwell on Day and Day.

Go get some help young man they always say.

Read the bible and try to pray.

I remember these words as my Father grabs my Mother.

**** YOU! I exclaim as I grab my brother.

I try to comfort his little soul but my vain attempts won't make him whole.

I hate my father

I always have

his drinking, beating, and scornfull speech.

Needing solace I walk upstairs

trying to control my raging flairs.

I lay on my bed listening to the Chaos bellow.

God, do I want my father dead

but I choose to take my own instead.

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ayanami_rei

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#2 ayanami_rei
Member since 2005 • 17115 Posts
I'd fix your post. Take out the "F" in ****. You need to censor it completely.
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dracula_16

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#4 dracula_16
Member since 2005 • 16042 Posts
Not too bad. To be honest I'm not a fan of the third paragraph. It resembles a rant more so than a piece of poetry. First two paragraphs are pretty good, though.
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DigitalExile

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#5 DigitalExile
Member since 2008 • 16046 Posts
IMHO I thought it was stupid. I don't like poetry, but I just expected Dr Sues to pop out some rhymes with fox in socks on box on clocks or something.
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kayn83

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#6 kayn83
Member since 2004 • 2214 Posts

poetry doesn't need to rhyme, that's just a tip.

However, as a narrative piece, this isn't that bad.

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domatron23

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#7 domatron23
Member since 2007 • 6226 Posts
I liked it a lot, the ending especially gives good impact on the reader. There are one or two lines that don't fit in well with the rhyme scheme and some with a few too many syllables but overall it's great.
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honkyjoe

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#8 honkyjoe
Member since 2005 • 5907 Posts

poetry doesn't need to rhyme, that's just a tip.

However, as a narrative piece, this isn't that bad.

kayn83

I do write quite a lot of free verse as well. It isn't my best by far mainly because I cooked it up in 15 minutes:P

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Lobster_Ear

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#9 Lobster_Ear
Member since 2005 • 5428 Posts
Poetry makes me cringe. Can't stand it. Nothing against your poem (I couldn't even finish reading it). I just hate poetry.
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Ice_52

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#10 Ice_52
Member since 2008 • 261 Posts

Poetry makes me cringe. Can't stand it. Nothing against your poem (I couldn't even finish reading it). I just hate poetry.Lobster_Ear

Thats really too bad...

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_Marisa_

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#11 _Marisa_
Member since 2003 • 12204 Posts

Sad poem

I can relate to many of the things you wrote, as I too, grew up with an alcoholic/abusive father. Things are much better now, though.



I don't know if I can necessarily say the poem was "good" per say, being that the base of the poem is so dark and sadening. Although, I'm not a big fan of rhyming poems.

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Xeros606

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#12 Xeros606
Member since 2007 • 11126 Posts
it would make a great screamo song. you definitely have talent, but i couldnt really connect. think about your audience next time.
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Infinite-Zr0

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#13 Infinite-Zr0
Member since 2003 • 13284 Posts

It was well made I guess

But a little too depressing for my tastse

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honkyjoe

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#14 honkyjoe
Member since 2005 • 5907 Posts

it would make a great screamo song. you definitely have talent, but i couldnt really connect. think about your audience next time.Xeros606

I consider OT a melting pot of personal preferences:| I wasn't expecting everyone to like it I just wanted to share my work.

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Sexy_Pirate

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#15 Sexy_Pirate
Member since 2006 • 3298 Posts
I'm no expert, but I didn't like it.
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KrisG7

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#16 KrisG7
Member since 2005 • 2430 Posts
What a wuss..
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JurockDaRock

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#17 JurockDaRock
Member since 2008 • 326 Posts
Very emo, therefore, uncool.
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TristanShand

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#18 TristanShand
Member since 2008 • 1400 Posts
Post it on Vampirefreaks. They love a bit of that.
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efrucht

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#19 efrucht
Member since 2008 • 1596 Posts
I liked the parts where it rhymed, at those points it had a nice flow and deep meaning. I enjoy reading real-world poetry like this, so I give it a thumbs up.
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7guns

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#20 7guns
Member since 2006 • 1449 Posts
I can't say if its good or bad but the picture is vivid and is something I can absolutely relate to, from the very first to the very end sentence.
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esbastica

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#21 esbastica
Member since 2008 • 1665 Posts

Very emo, therefore, uncool.JurockDaRock

this