Soooo... Umm... How do I play DoTA2?

Seriously, I have no idea what am I supposed to do. The tutorial explains **** all.

Google "How to Play DOTA 2" so many options can be found in that location

MOBAs are really strange when you start but, it'll all come to you.

Yea **** if I know. I can't get into these games at all

you want to start off with a really easy hero to play.. i would recommend riki for starters.. get the hang of last hitting/denying and using abilities/items.. moreover each hero has a synergy with either his skills or with other ppl.. my advice would be to get someone who is good and queue with them

You click on things and they die

I think they implemented bots already, pick a hero you think looks cool and just practice practice practice. Its all about effectively utilizing a hero's abilities at the right time and buying the right items which, thankfully, is easy because of the recommended items section in the store.

Its going to be hard at first, you are going to suck initially and you'll most probably have elitists who will have an absolute hissy fit about it, but just ignore them and have fun, you'll naturally get good over time.

Also, if you really don't know where to start, pick Razor, he's pretty darn straightforward.

Do what I did. Im new to the genre as well.

1) Log into the game and not do very well. Get called newb, douche, asshole and told "GTFO of the game newb shit head" by pretty much everyone.

2) After getting the controls layout start playing then have everyone say "He is stacking for the other team the piece of shit!"

3) Then exit the game and uninstall it, and finally go play something that is fun and not crawling with 98% assholes.

Im waiting for heroes of the storm to come out from blizzard since its in beta now. I have no doubt they will be better at introducing new players to the game, plus their asshole to friendly (or at least non talkative) players is much lower than your average steam dick.

Look at some "how to play" videos on youtube, it's seriously a pain in the ass to explain all you have to do in DotA 2/any moba game.

Dota 2 is not supposed to be played , you hit "delete local content" and then move on to bigger and better things.

I would suggest waiting for Diablo MOBA if you really want to play those kinds of horrible games.