• 10Jul 09

  It's A Fifth of The Tuckgraph Show!

   

  Hey! How's everyone doing tonight? I'm feeling good, you guys are great! Nice crowd! Thank You!
  
  I was hoping we would have a good crowd tonight. As you probably know, this is our Fifth Anniversary! Yep, our Fifth Show! Glad you could turn out, because last week's audience was, well, less than stellar. Last week, the crowd was so bad, there wasn't...
  
  What? It's the same audience? I'm sorry, no offense. No really, it was a misunderstanding. It was a shameless manipulation, where you rally groups of people by saying they're superior to other groups of people. Monologue Techniques 101. Forget about all of that. You guys are GREAT! We've got a Show to do!
  
  I hate to keep apologizing, but I'm sorry we're running a day late tonight. For our Fifth Anniversary, we wanted to do something special. We considered a retrospective, but that's so cliched. Instead, we're going to do the Best Darn Show Ever!
  
  And we're starting to settle down, starting to get a little focus. After some extensive meetings with creative, we've decided we're a features driven show. There might be one time features, and some recurring features. Kind of like nightmares. Which, I used to think were horses running at night! Till Dad sat me down and we had that little talk. Well, one of many talks. Any how, on to The Show! But first, a word from tonight's sponsor. We'll be right back.
  
  Have you ever brewed a pot of coffee you weren't so proud of? Ever had dejavu? When your java becomes "grounds" for discourse, consider serving it up in the...
  
  Yoda-Head Mug!

  
  
  

  When you pour that caffeinated swill into this adorable receptacle, your designated sipper will Feel the Force! Whether they take it with cream or sugar, there will be no denying, Yoda Best!
  
  Okay, we're back. Again, I'm disappointed. That mug was a birthday gift some 26 years ago. Yoda Mug has never seen a drop of any liquid poured into his skull. I love Yoda Mug. It shouldn't be desecrated in a manner like that. Look for it on ebay soon!
  
  How was your Fourth of July? Mine was interesting. It was overcast, and eventually became a downpour. It started raining buckets of cats and dogs! (the mixed metaphor of the night) But before it came down, I had an incident of LDP Syndrome.
  
  What's LDP Syndrome?
  Glad you asked! LDP stands for Loud Drunk Person. Have you ever been sober, hanging out with a bunch of people who weren't so sober? One step at a time. Have you ever been sober?
  
  I witnessed LDP Syndrome on the Fourth of July. Some people, the more they drink, the louder they get. And they either don't realize it, or don't care. Such was the case with my neighbors. I went out on the back patio to fire up the grill, and my neighbors were in full LDP Mode. I grabbed my trusty audio recorder!
  
  Here, from over the fence, is an audio account of an LDP incident. It's precisely one minute in length. The first 30 seconds is fairly tranquil, the second half contains a whiff of profanity. It was a one shot deal, no editing or enhancements. Believe me, it's nothing fancy! Kind of abstract. Hope it plays!
  
  My Drunk Neighbors
  
  A little later, it began to rain.
  
  
  
  I haven't met my neighbors yet. Do you blame me? They sound like a fun bunch. We're trying to make The Show more of a multimedia, interactive variety show. If the sound stuff works, we might have new features!
  
  From The House Calendar
  This being the new month of July, it's time to see what artwork is on this month's House Calendar:
  

  
  
  Okay, we're back! You know, I bore easily. If you're like me, I'm lucky you're still here! I often times search the world wide web, and come across interesting websites. Last week, CNN had a story about humorous websites that most people might not know about. One really scratched my funny bone:
  
  Garfield Minus Garfield
  Is everyone familiar with the comic strip Garfield?
  

  
  
  Honestly, I get him mixed up with Heathcliff. This website is not about Garfield, but his owner, Jon Arbuckle. This website takes Garfield cartoons, and digitally removes Garfield! It makes Mr. Arbuckle look kind of crazy! Let's roll a couple of clips:
  

  

  
  
  You can find more at:
  
  http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/
  
  I find it funny. Miss Priss says it reminds her of someone she knows! Oh, MP thinks she's so funny!
  
  A Day In The Life
  Yes, it's another feature! They're gonna keep coming! As someone once said, "There's no flipping off the genius button." Or something like that. In this feature, I share special moments from my day.
  
  Had a great day. I'll tell you what makes for an exciting day. Sleep late! You get up, late for work, and the adrenaline just takes over! On this particular morning, I woke up with an attitude! I elected not to wear pants to work. No, not like that. I decided to wear shorts. Tasteful shorts. No one's ever given me a dress code! That threw off my shirt wear. No button up shirt, I decided to go with a golf shirt! It's a pullover, but it's collared, with a few buttons at the V. It seemed a hasty decision, as I rushed to get out the door.
  
  At work, I thought I got a raised eyebrow or two, but nothing more than usual. After a couple of hours, one of my coworkers asked, from across the room, "Hon, is your shirt on inside out?" I reached for the V, and yes, the buttons were on the inside of the collar! I change my mind. Never sleep late! I excused myself to the restroom, and turned the shirt from outside in to inside out! Or something like that. I did tell my coworker that she was dressed nicely today.
  
  Then, this was the greatest thing. Last month, on June 21st, one of my coworkers and his lovely wife had a baby! As it just so happens, June 21st was also Fathers Day! Can you think of a better Fathers Day present? I can't. It took until today for them to bring this bundle of joy to the office. I was so giddy, I had to take a pic:
  
  

  

  
  Awwwwww. Isn't she precious?
  
  We gotta go to commercial. No, not this one. Not the right time. Okay, we got commitments.
  
  Drink Evian Water.
  

   

  Okay, we're back! By popular demand, we're reviving an informational, tasty little feature called...
  
  Let's Get Cooking!
  I like this segment, because I can change the name every time! Tonight we're featuring a versatile snack, that's quick and easy to fix up.
  
  Fresh Baked Pita Chips
  You can find pita chips at your grocer, usually around the deli. Don't do it. Get yourself some pita bread, olive oil, and your favorite herbs and spices.
  
  This is simple You're going to take the bread, cut off the edges, and separate it. Lay the sides of the pita bread on an appropriate surface, and brush olive oil on both sides of each side. That's four surfaces total!
  
  
  
  After you brush down the bread, you gotta sprinkle the seasonings. And it's up to your personal taste. The spices vs. the herbs. It's like the Hatfields vs. the McCoys. The Montagues vs. the Capulets. The Basils vs. the Cayennes. I usually sprinkle the kitchen sink over it! But to each his or her own. Garlic works well. Taste buds can be so personal.
  
  After you apply the tasty stuff, slice up the pita sides into bite sized squares, triangles and rectangles, trapazoids, go crazy. Make it good for dipping. Place them on a baking sheet, thusly:
  

  
  
  

  Set them in a preheated oven at 300 degrees farenheit. Bake between eleven and fifteen minutes. After ten minutes, watchem' close! They're easy to overcook. They should be crunchy, but not too brown. If they get brown, they get bitter. Once they're done, put them in a bowl and get ready for a pita party! Excellent for spinach dip and humus.
  

  
  If you have any left over, put them in a ziplock for future dipping! They're a great snack.
  
  On a side note, I'd like to recommend a movie that is excellent for cooking. If you don't have a tv in your kitchen, pop this dvd into your Main Tube, and turn it up. It's called "A Few Good Men," directed by Rob Reiner and starring Tom Cruise, Demi Moore and Jack Nicholson. It is based on a stage play, and is almost all dialogue. Like listening to one of those audio books! It's also great to mix drinks by:
  
  
  

  You Want Vermouth?

  YOU CAN'T HANDLE VERMOUTH!
  
  Okay, that's it for tonight!
  What? That's no way to end an extravaganza! Alright, we'll do the emails.
  
  This email comes from Jack A. Hole, from Jacksonhole, Wyoming. Okay, we'll go with that.
  
  You never really do anything, you just use stuff that other people do.
  
  Was that a question? Where in Jackson's Hole do you live?  It's called Zen, buddy. Look it up. Quick, next question! We're done? Cool.
  
  We'll close with one of my most favorite artists, Malcolm John "Mac" Rebennack, Jr., also known as Dr. John! Tonight the Doctor will put on a clinic, with a New Orleans standard, "Iko, Iko".
  
  HEY NOW!
  
  Thank you, my friend. Thanks everybody! Hope you enjoyed The Fifth! Be sure to designate your driver! Goodnight!
  
  
  TG

  • Posted Jul 10, 2009 1:10 am PT
  • Category: Nature
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• 2Jul 09

  Yeah, It's The Tuckgraph Show!

  

  Good Evening! Hello! Thanks, nice crowd! We've got a Big Show for you tonight! Please make note of your Emergency Exits!
  
  What a week it has been. We've lost people we never knew, but will always miss. No need for a moment of silence. The silence will always be there.
  
  I'd like to remind everyone that school lets out this week, and you should keep your guard up while driving around. These kids can be a menace! Whether they're offering to mow your lawn for a price, or washing your broken down car, beware. They're only in it for the bucks!
  
  What? ...seems school's been out for a few weeks. My bad. I hope no one has been taken advantaged of by those enterprising miscreants. I guess that means it's VACATION TIME!!!!
  
  Has everyone made their vacation plans? C'mon, fess up. Who's on vacation right now? I know I am. I'm on vacation all the time. But this time of year, it really ratchets up. Have you ever had friends come back from vacation, and punish you with pics of their "adventures?" Or slides? Anybody remember slides? I'd never do that. I'll take you along as I go on my vacation, here at home, with a new feature we like to call,
  
  Take A Trip And Never Leave the Farm!
  It's just a couple of pics from when I went driving around over the weekend. This really shouldn't be a feature. Not in the fourth episode of the first season.
  
  Speaking of which, it's our fourth show, and the Fourth of July weekend! Coincidence? If the Nielson ratings are correct, we also have about four viewers! But those four, for me, is the Nielson Family. You can decide who you'd like to be, Momma, Daddy, Sis or Junior. Or just a neighbor who happened to drop by! There's a couple of spots on the couch, and some folding chairs in the kitchen. No, not spots on the couch literally. Geeze. Places to sit, relax and enjoy the show! Here's a couple of pics from last weekend.
  
  Train's Coming!

  
  
  
  I was driving towards the beach and these bars came down, and I had to stop. Then a train came almost towards me. I was all alone, just me and the train. I mean, the train and me. If you're wondering why there isn't a lady tied to the tracks, I saved her earlier. She's driving the train now.
  
  Just Sit Right Back!
  
  
  
  This pic reminds me of Gilligan's Island, before the three hour tour. It's a great view. And it could be a much better pic, sorry about the phone lines and bridge guard. I should have pulled off the bridge, got out of the car, and took my time. But no, I stop the auto on the bridge and get out, hoping no traffic approaches from either direction. Of course they did! I should have taken those pics! I'll try to do better next vacation!
  
  Hope you're enjoying my vacation as much as I am! Tonight we have a new sponsor (much love Anmakus, you're still the original, and 'da best), it's my new beer taps collection!

  
  Have you ever had a keg of beer you weren't so proud of? Perhaps you got a deal on Pabst Blue Ribbon, or acquired a batch of Old Milwaukee? We all know how bad it can be when you get the Schlitz. Don't fret. Remember, your keg of beer is only as good as its tap.
  

  
  
  

  Through an exclusive transaction with an extended family member, The Tuckgraph Collection is offering limited usage of an elite selection of beer tap handles. When cup holders see one of these distinctive levers on a keg, they'll never know what's pouring into their cup. They will remember your sophistication... and the essence of the night!
  
  Okay, we're back! That was a really sad promo. I'm not subjecting my beer taps to that tawdry display. Too late? k. Tonight, they caught me on short notice. I don't have a guest, Miss Priss is over there, breathing. So once again we're going with...
  
  Brushes With Greatness!
  
  Tonight's Brushes With Greatness brings with it a sense of ewwww. It's not that bad, or I wouldn't be telling it, or would I? It involves Harry Wayne Casey. No, it's not a serial killer. It's KC, from KC And The Sunshine Band!
  

  
  

  
  KC came to town to do a free concert, for a casino grand opening. My buddy and I muscled our way to the front of the crowd, waiting on The Man to take the stage. Turns out, KC didn't bring his Sunshine Band. It was KC and four backup singers, two on either side. It was free!
  
  My buddy had a bad cold. KC was using backup music with the singers, kind of like karaoke on steroids. KC is running back and forth across the stage, being Your Boogey Man, Doing A Little Dance, Shaking His Booty. And he's sweating profusely.
  
  We're bouncing to the beat. KC has all these white towels all across the front of the stage, and he picks them up to wipe the sweat. My buddy, he has this nasty sneeze, the kind you should take care of in private. The kind you can't hide. His nose Got Down That Night. One of KC's backup singers, she takes a towel and hands it to my bud. We were that close to the stage. Frontline.
  
  My buddy wipes his face and hands off, then throws the towel. Yeah, he tosses it back up on the stage. KC has been jumping around, trying to be a Boogey Man. KC grabs my bud's towel, and everything goes into slow motion. He wipes it across his sweaty face. It was a magical, sick moment. KC never knew the difference. It all happened so quick. That backup singer's eyes lit up, and she started laughing so hard. I was just a witness. But it was a Brush With Greatness!
  
  A Personal Endorsement
  Commercials, sponsorships, and other such animals are a two-way street. How's that for a mixed metaphor? Tonight I'd like to offer an endorsement, for Wallace Auto Electric.
  
  
  
  You might remember I was having some electrical problems with my auto. If you didn't catch last week's show, sorry buddy, you gotta scroll down! Turns out, the battery was bad. Had robbed a couple of liquor stores. I had to do an intervention, and took the baddery to Wallace.
  
  He's just a few blocks down from me. But I called him first, rather than just show up. He said come on down. I asked if it cost anything. Ten bucks. TEN BUCKS? Just to clamp a couple of posts and look at a meter? "Service Charge," he says. I'm trying to make this story short! Too late! I had to go there three times before I got those clamps on those posts.
  
  "It's dead," he says. Yahoo! That means I just need a battery! He tells me to go to A-1 Battery to get a new battery. Do you know why businesses call themselves A-1, or AAA Bail Bonds? It's so they show up first in the Yellow Page listings! Just a conventional wisdom marketing morsel to chew on.
  
  Then Wallace asks me what truck I had the battery in. I said, "No, it was in my '96 Buick Lesabre. You did some work on it last summer." He grins and says, "Yeah, I remember that Lesabre!" Then he dove his head under the hood of another car. I asked him how much I owed him. "No Charge!" came from under the hood. My buddy Wallace never remembered me, but he remembered my car! No charge for the '96 Buick Lesabre!
  
  Okay, That's It?
  That's all we got? We've got more stuff! What about the Dancing Pandas? They're endangered, you know. We're doing the emails. I don't care if I'm running long. I need the exercise. I'll try to make it quick. I sweat enough as it is. Not KC sweat, but still.
  
  From The Emails
  This comes from Edmond Ton, from Edmonton, Ontario. Are you serious? This can't be real. Eddie asks,
  
  "Why don't you say what's going to happen on the show, at the beginning? That's what the other shows do."
  
  I'm disappointed you ask that question, Mr. Ed. If you paid attention at the beginning, you'd realize I'm sending telepathic messages only to you, and these are secrets only we can share. For everyone else, we don't know what's going to be on The Show when we raise the curtain!
  
  This next, and final email (no, please sit down) comes from a buddy of mine. It was simply entitled "Redneck Playstation." It's a link to a little game. I hope it works for you. Never know. Just pick up the fly swatter and take off!
  

  http://majman.net/fly_loader.html
  
  That's it, I'm done! Call off the dogs! We'll close tonight with a band I've had the pleasure of paying to see. This ain't no party. This ain't no disco. This is the Talking Heads, Life During Wartime.
  

  This Ain't No Foolin' Around

  
  Thank you guys! David, get the band back together! Mission from God! Thanks everybody! Have a great Fourth! Goodnite!
  
  
  TG

  • Posted Jul 2, 2009 12:56 am PT
  • Category: Fashion
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• 24Jun 09

  The Tuckgraph Show Is Back!

  

  Good Evening! How's it going for everyone? I hope you're doing better than I am at the moment!
  
  We've all got our problems, I shouldn't complain. But I'm not going to let that stop me!
  
  Anybody here have a car? Ever have a car break down? It can be a pain in the sparkus. I currently own a Buick LeSabre, which is French for "piece of crap." It's actually been a pretty decent car.
  
  I inherited it from my dad about five years ago. That and the cat, Miss Priss. It was a package deal. If I gotta take the cat, I get the car! Then I sold my car, a Jeep Cherokee, to a nephew. For about half price. I'm such a sucker.
  
  On a programming note, The Tuckgraph Show has secured a regular slot of late Wednesday night, or early Thursday morning. So set your Tuckvo.
  
  Where was I? Oh, the car won't start. I'm pretty sure it's electrical, because it doesn't turn over. Even the interior lights won't come on. I tried jumping the car off. Nothing. I even kept it hooked up for 45 minutes to the truck, with the truck running. Then the engine went, "click-click-click-click-click-click..." So that was something. I figured it was a bad battery.
  
  But it's not that simple. With the Buick, removing the battery requires a tiny socket wrench, which I have. In my trunk. And because my trunk key will not turn to open the trunk, I must rely on the Trunk Opening Button on my dashboard. Which works electronically. Unless the battery's dead. Sigh. Is it any wonder General Motors had to declare bankruptcy?
  

  
  
  My short term solution? Drive the truck! But I'll figure it out. This never ending story has already gone way too long. We've got a show to do! Tonight's show is still sponsored by Anmakus! Thanks! We'll be right back!
  
  

  

  Okay, we're back! On that last segment, I need to make a confession. Or clarification. That's better, clarification. No, caveat! In the Buick LeSauna, the AC's out. Needs some freon. And there's nothing free about it! So the current environmental conditions has temperamented my enthusiasm about getting my ride rolling. And what temperatures they are!
  
  A couple of days ago, the heat index was 108 degrees. I look outside the window and break into a sweat. You can only find shade on the black market. I had to empty my fridge, because Al Gore listed hot tamales as a cause for global warming. It's so hot, Megan Fox is complaining of being too hot!

  
  But is it really that hot? We'll do a test only Bill Nye the Science Guy could appreciate. We're going to place a skillet in the elements for a few minutes, then see if we can fry an egg on it.

  
  

  Does anybody here tonight do the Twitter thing? I signed up a couple of months ago. I could never get the hang of it. I mean, what can you say in 140 characters or less? That's both vowels and consanents. Even the spaces, I think. Very frustrating. So I started my own version. Here's how it went last Sunday.
  
  Twucker.com
  
  12:36 PM- Just got home. Spent the night at my buds. Watched some UFC MMA, won six bucks. We did the midnight dance off. Tried the back roll into a hand stand move again. Threw my back out, again.
  
  1:22 PM- I'm hungry. Going to grocery to get Oyster Crackers, Pepperoni, and a can of Comet. It's not a recipe, just things I need.
  
  2:16 PM- Back from grocery. Also got a bowl of gumbo, and can of crescent roll dough for pigs in blanket. Never shop hungry. Can of Comet tough to find, but got it. Cleansers industry out of control.
  
  4:45 PM- Watching XXX. Vin Diesel, not porn. lol. Not bad. Was Vin born bald? Might watch Rocky Balboa tonight, that last Rocky movie. Desperate viewing options.
  
  8:01 PM- Just finished Balboa. Still tearing up. Adrian died of cancer? Rock didn't win, but didn't lose. Like the original! Wipes cheek. C'mon Sly, make one more! Still working the kinks out of the back.
  
  So that's why I don't do Twitter. Let's drop an egg in that frying pan:

  

  
  We'll see how that comes out in a bit. We'll be right back!
  
  (short, imaginary commercial break for the pharmaceutical corporations)
  
  Have you ever had an ailment that you couldn't quite describe to your physician? You know something's wrong, but the symptoms don't quite add up? Ask your doctor about Placebo.

  
  

  Placebo can be a universal cure for what ails you. It can produce a sense of satisfaction for whatever is troubling you. Ask your physician about this possible alternative to whatever he or she prescribes. Side effects could include dry mouth, squinting and thinking too much, and incurable hypochondria. If Placebo causes happiness or contentment, contact a second opinion as soon as possible.
  
  Okay, we're back! It has been a challenge finding guests for The Tuckgraph Show. We've found that guests want to be compensated for their appearance! As a currently non-profit variety show, this has proven to be difficult. For the time being, we're going to substitute an actual guest with a new feature.
  
  Brushes With Greatness!
  Here I will tell a story about some personality I met. Sometimes. Sort of. And I'm sorry, but these may be long stories. Just hang in there!
  
  Anybody ever heard of Alan Thicke?

  

  Most people would probably know him from his starring role in a sitcom called Growing Pains. But before then, he had a talk show called Thicke of the Night. This was in the early eighties. So that's the setup.
  
  In the early eighties, I worked for a local weekly newspaper called The Star Journal. Sounds like a tabloid, but it wasn't. I live in South Mississippi, on the coast. I've always worked for local weekly newspapers. I like the environment, small staff, and connection with the community. But that's another story.
  
  One of the dynamics of the weekly, is that there's a big daily newspaper that you compete with. Kind of. Occasionally, someone will come to you with a story. And the only reason they come to you, is because the daily newspaper didn't think the story was a big deal. Such was the case with Dixie Wright.
  
  Dixie was a local disc jockey. She wrote a letter to Alan, telling him how she was his biggest fan. She invited him to visit our humble, local community. And he accepted! She was ecstatic. She went to our daily newspaper, and they said, meh. So she comes to me, the editor of The Star Journal! And we make a big deal of it. Dixie shines.
  
  The bittersweet part of it is, Alan only made the visit because he had the free time. His talk show, Thicke of the Night, had just been cancelled. He had nothing better to do. He came for a day trip. Dixie, Alan and I cruised the coast in a limo. They treated him like a king, which I'm sure was tonic for his bruised ego. He was a really nice guy.
  
  What I didn't know, until the end of the day, was that he had brought his kid with him. I guess the boy stayed in the hotel room while we made the rounds. For the final meet and greet, Alan picked up his offspring, who was about seven years, and we went out to the radio station for dinner and elbow rubbing.
  
  Problem was, they had prepared local cuisine. Stuff like gumbo, jambalaya, raw oysters, fried seafood, etc. That was fine for Alan, but Junior would have none of it. He was raising heck. No, No, NO! Anybody who's dealt with kids can appreciate the situation.
  
  So Alan says he hates to cut it short, but they need to go. Then I lean in and whisper into Alan's ear, "How about a cheeseburger?" He says, "You got a cheeseburger?" I said no, but there's a McDonald's down the road. He whispers to Junior the proposition. Junior pauses and says, "Okay." I made the cheeseburger run. In fact, made it a Happy Meal, or whatever they called it back in the day.
  
  Alan apologized for not having any cash money on him. Stars are like that sometimes. I covered it. And now, for the rest of the story. Lil' Junior today is some kind of aspiring Rhythm and Blues singer known as Robin Thicke!

  
  
  I hope to someday catch one of his shows. If for no other reason, just to get my cheeseburger money back!
  
  We're running long, let's check in on the frying egg:

  
  
  It didn't just fry. The heat was so bad, it scrambled, and was topped with cheese and salsa. Hot salsa, I'd bet! That's hard to believe. I gotta have a talk with my production crew. But pass that around, have a bite.
  
  We tried to get Robin to perform tonight, but such is life. No hard feelings? Instead, please give a warm welcome to the musical stylings of my bud, Joe Walsh, and his gang, The Eagles, performing Life's Been Good To Me So Far!

  Eat This, Robin!
  
  Thanks Joe! Nice hard hat! Come work on my car! Don, Glenn, Timmy, thank you. Hope to have you back. Thanks everybody! And seriously, don't eat that egg!
  
  
  TG

  • Posted Jun 24, 2009 11:08 pm PT
  • Category: People
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