I'm posting this here instead of vlogging about it because I feel more comfortable posting it here then on YouTube.
It's kinda personal, so normally I wouldn't post it at all, but I feel like I have to express it in some way, or I might explode.
It's these goram annoying emotions.
Something that could be called love, the most annoying one.
Something that is definitely pain, which never goes away.
Something that may be longing, that's always unfulfilled.
Of course, it's about a woman.
I've blogged about this sort of thing before, and ended up deleting it, more because it was depressing then because it was personal. Because of what always happens in my attempts at relationships. They never go well, and always end in pain.
I had a bad experience late last year, which I don't think I blogged about. I fell in love, and got my heart broken, as usual. It was the worst one yet. This girl did everything every other girl has done to me, all rolled into one. We were never anything besides friends, so at least I can still say I've never had a girlfriend. After what she did to me, I'm glad, because it would've been much worse if we were romantically involved.
I've recovered enough, it seems, that I can meet a woman and feel that I might want to take a chance with her, a chance at another broken heart. Or, a chance at real love, that goes both ways, and not just one sided love, like always happened before.
I've been going to game nights every Tuesday and Thursday, at my local game shop.
And there I met a woman.
Of all the game nights, in all the cities in the world, she had to be in mine.
Well, technically, she was there first, but still.
I think I might be falling in love with her.
She is Hispanic, so she has those traits I find most attractive, dark hair and dark eyes. She also has an accent I think is very sexy. She is beautiful, and athletic, also traits I find to be very attractive. She also has an amazing smile.
But that's all externals, and not what really matters. Not what would make me fall in love with her, I learned that lesson long ago. Although, it doesn't hurt that she's as hot as she is.
I don't know her very well, because I haven't known her very long. But, I know enough to perhaps spark that most annoying of emotions.
She doesn't have a wedding ring, which probably means she's single. She also hasn't mentioned a boyfriend, or any other sort of significant other, which most unmarried women I meet mention within the first five minutes of meeting me. So, she might actually be completely single! I haven't asked that dreaded question yet, partly because I dread the answer, and partly because I don't want to even hint that I might feel something for her.
She has a job, which to me is a requirement in any woman I might be interested in. What I want to do for a job is risky, and I wouldn't want anyone to be wholly dependant on me for their survival, in case everything goes bad with what I'm doing.
She likes Star Wars, and is into other geeky things like boards games, so she's one of those mythical hot geek girls. We actually seem to have a lot of that sort of thing in common.
She only eats veggies, but she doesn't seem like one of those "eating meat is EVIL" types. So, it's probable it's more for heath reasons then anything else.
She also seems like she is a very beautiful person on the inside. I've only seen hints of what could be a beautiful soul, but what I've seen makes me want to know her more.
So, yeah, I can pretty much count what I know about her on one hand.
This is what usually happens. I meet a woman, and as things go on, that annoying emotion is sparked. Well, it's more like a snowball rolling down a hill then a fire. As it rolls, as I get to know the woman more, the snowball gets bigger, that annoying emotion gets stronger. But, usually what happen is that when it gets to the bottom of the hill it falls into a pit of lava, everything goes wrong, and I'm left with a broken heart and more pain.
It's what happened last time. I'm not sure if I want to risk it happening again. But, I'm also not sure if I don't.
There's also, of course, how she feels about me. As far as I can tell, she likes me. She always smiles when she sees me, and it seems genuine. She seems happy to see me.
However, as far as I can tell, she also thinks of me only as a friend. Someone to occasionally play board games with at game night. She really likes my favorite game, Heroscape, and we've played it a few times.
The main reason she's there is to play board games. It's also the main reason I'm there. We just happen to be there occasionally at the same time. And I just happen to be falling in love with her.
The thing is, it's not a snowball rolling down a hill. It's more like a car going down a hill. I have some control over it. Not as much as I'd like, but still some control.
As the car rolls, it gains momentum, but I can still put on the brakes. Part of me wants to do that, stop going to games nights, stop seeing her, let my feelings for her die and move on. I would've been better off if I did that last time. But, that part of me is the fear talking.
Another part of me wants to keep going down the road, and coast, taking no action whatsoever. But, that's the best way to be permanently in the friend zone, something I'm sick of happening, and also the best way to not even be friends. However, I also don't want to wreck game night, for the both of us, so perhaps that would be the best course.
Then there's what I hope will happen. I could put on the brakes, just enough to slow down and stay at a nice controllable speed. Sure, that pit of lava is still at the bottom of the hill, but I could still stop before I go into it. I could even avoid it all together. Because, I'm not the only one on the road.
She could also be said to be in a car, following her own course. She's her own person, making her own decisions. Maybe she'll decide that I'm someone to be more then friends with. Maybe she'd even fall in love with me. It could happen. That chance, however slim it is, makes me want to keep going and see what happens.
Now we come to the reason I even started writing this. Tonight is Tuesday, the night I would usually go to game night and see her there. However, tonight, instead of going to game night, I'm going to a film networking meeting about film festivals. I'm going mainly because I need a cinematographer for my project, and I know that there's going to be a few there. I've reached an impasse with my project because I don't have one on the team, and I'm hoping I'll meet one who will want to be on it.
So, it's the logical choice to sacrifice going to game night, and playing board games, not to mention seeing that woman, in favor of going to the film meeting.
However, because of that annoying emotion, I feel like I should go to game night instead, just to see her. The main reason I think I could be falling in love with her is because when I'm around her, it doesn't hurt so much. When she's around, I forget the pain. Being around her makes me happy. When she's not around, part of the reason it hurts is because I miss her.
Today, I'm doing the logical thing. But, there's always next Tuesday.
Problem is, I've been hurt so bad before, that even the slightest hint that I might be falling in love scares me. And that's all it really is, a small spark, a tiny snowball just starting to roll, a car just beginning to gain momentum. Maybe there's a pit of lava at the bottom, and maybe it'll be nothing at all, or maybe it'll be love.
If there's one thing I leanred is that it takes two to tango, and both of them have to want to tango.
I'm just hoping that someday she'll want to tango with me.
Wish me luck.
That's all for now.