Campbell House: [Scotty goes into the kitchen and gets a cookie from the cookie jar. Mary comes into the kitchen and Scotty stuffs it into his face]

Mary: I saw that, young man.

Scotty: Ma, I was starving!

Mary: You are going to ruin your dinner.

Scotty: Ma, I won’t ruin it. One cookie is not going to do anything to my appetite. Mary: You had five when you came home from school and now you had six cookies. You are not the only smart one in this house, dear.

Scotty: I’m on to you! [Goes to his room]

[Jessica comes into the kitchen]

Mary: Jessie, I’m glad that you could make it to dinner.

Jessica: Mary, I am so depressed.

Mary: What’s up?

Jessica: Corrine is moving away.

Mary: Where?

Jessica: Montana.

Mary: Oh Jessie. You know that Corrine and Dutch were not going to stick around forever since the business was going belly up.

Jessica: I know. I knew that eventually they were going to leave, but I hoped that it would not be this soon. Mary: Jess, you know that Corrine is a big girl now and married to Dutch. They are doing this so they can afford to house, clothed, and send him off to school.

Jessica: Corrine and Dutch do not want to move away, but they are doing it for the babies and Timmy. [Gasps]

Mary: What?

Jessica: I just thought of something. Timmy and Scotty are pretty close.

Mary: I know. It just hit me too. Timmy is the best friend Scotty ever had.

Jessica: They play together and they sometimes have pajama parties. Mary: I know. [Corrine enters with Timmy]

Corrine: Hey Aunt Mary.

Mary: Hi Corrine [hugs her] your mother just told me that you all are moving.

Timmy: I wish we weren’t.

Mary: Scotty’s upstairs.

[Timmy leaves the kitchen]

Corrine: Aunt Mary, I wish we weren’t either.

Mary: Then stay. Jessica: You, Dutch, and the kids can move in with me. It’s only Benson and me these days.

Corrine: Ma, Dutch and I need to start our own life, even if it means starting in Montana. Well, I got to go home and pack some more. Thank you for letting Timmy stay over tonight, Aunt Mary.

Mary: Anytime. Corrine: I figure that he and Scotty might want to spend more time together before we move away [leaves]

Jessica: So what is for dinner tonight?

Mary: Meatloaf.

Jessica: Oh, I love it! You put an egg in it!

Mary: Yes.

I cannot believe it! I sang so perfectly and yet I was criticized about my hand gestures. The thing was that it was my piano teacher and not my voice teacher and then the choir teacher who hates me had to throw in her two cents! My voice teacher said nothing at all to me.
      I am not too upset about the lecture of the gestures, but the fact that nobody told me that I was using too many before I made a fool of myself. I am fine now and I am okay, but a wee bit concern about my future as a singer.

Baby, here in the wonderful land of Southern Illinois and Eastern Missouri, it's snowing, which means school is cancelled-yay! But that also means that my recital is cancelled too   Oh well! I guess they will have to postpone it! I also see it as a blessing in disguise because I was sent home sick from work. I had a fever and stomach ache-ouch! I am feeling a whole lot better now! 

Tate House:

[Corrine just told Jessica the news]

Corrine: Ma, we will call you everyday, I swear. We’ll visit every holiday and on some weekends when we can afford it. Jessica: [sobs] Oh Corrine, I am losing everybody! First, I lost Billy, now you, Dutch.
You know I was devastated when you moved to California after you divorced Tim. Corrine: I know, but I was wrapped in grief after Dutch had chosen Eunice over me.

Jessica: I know. Corrine: But this time, I have a plan and no Swedish lady is going to mess with me.

Jessica: I hope so.

Corrine: Ma, please don’t worry about me.

Jessica: I won’t.

Corrine: I love you very much and I would not want anything to come in between us.

[Jessica hugs Corrine]

Jessica: You will always be my little girl.

Lightner House:

[Timmy is packing his bag and Corrine comes in]

Corrine: Hey kiddo, how’s the packing coming along?

Timmy: Ma, it’s coming. Corrine: I know that you are upset about moving away from Scotty.

Timmy: Boys don’t get upset.

Corrine: Then why are you stuffing your bag like a madman?

Timmy: You are making me move away from everybody. I don’t want to move away from grandma and Scotty. Corrine: I don’t want to too, but Dutch got a job offer in Montana.

Timmy: Why can’t he get one here?

Corrine: Because they are not hiring here.

Timmy: I want to stay with grandma.

Corrine: I want you to be with me. Honey, Dutch and I want to stay here too, but we need the money to pay for housing, food, clothes, and toys.

Timmy: I would give up all of my toys just to stay here.

Corrine: I know.

Timmy: If I wanted to play with something, I would just go over to Scotty’s.

Today in voice lesson, I was finally able to project! Yay! Even though my sinuses are acting up due to the lovely Illinois weather changes, I felt that I had finally tackled the monster and was able to sing like my old self again!

Do the hustle!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xb3tyX2Bbg

Hope you like!

As most of you know, I am a music major. During my voice lessons this morning, I noticed that there is a repeativeness of not really wanting to project. I wonder if this has something to do with my choir teacher.

Usually, projection is never an issue with me, but when I tried out for an advance choir class (which I did not make), my teacher told me that I needed to work on blending, singing softer at least.

In the choir class I am in, I have been working on blending in and singing softly, but this is affecting my voice lessons because my voice teacher is saying that I am not projecting enough.

Do you think that it is possible that the choir teacher's opinion is reflecting on my voice during voice lessons? Keep in mind that the voice teacher and the choir teacher are two very different people. Let me know please!

Alien Spaceship:
[Mary, Scotty, and Saul are in the transportation room]

Saul: Here it is, the beaming room.

Mary: Oh Saul, I cannot thank you enough. Don’t you want to come with us?

Saul: Nah! I’ve been here for over 3,406 years. I’ll be fine. Pretty soon, I will beam myself back to my era. In the meantime, I want to help you and Scotty go home.

[Starts up the transportation device and Mary and Scotty step into the chambers and go home]

Campbell House: [Mary and Scotty end up on the front porch. They run into the house]

Mary: Burt! We’re home!

[Burt runs out of the kitchen and hugs Mary tightly]

Burt: Mary! [Kisses her passionately] Mare! I thought I’d never see you again! Scotty! [Hugs Scotty] My son! Lightner House:

[Corrine and Dutch are lying in bed. Dutch keeps tossing and turning. Corrine wakes up and then she wakes Dutch up]

Corrine: Dutch?

[Dutch jumps]

Corrine: Are you okay?

Dutch: Corrine, I have something to tell you.

Corrine: What is it?

Dutch: I got this job offer the other day in Montana.

Corrine: Montana? You mean Montana Cummings, the owner of Dunn Inn, right?

[Dutch shakes his head]

Corrine: You mean the state?

[Dutch nods his head]

Corrine: Dutch, we can’t move. Dutch: Corrine, we have got to take this offer. Ever since Chester went insane and does nothing at all, the business started going belly up. Of course, Chester always did nothing at all because he did not want to get his suits dirty.

Corrine: Dutch, I don’t want to move.

Dutch: I don’t want to either.

Corrine: I can’t separate Timmy and Scotty. They are pals. Dutch: I don’t want to separate them either.

Dutch: I don’t want to move you away from your family Corrine, but I have to make a living somehow. Corrine: I know Dutch.

Dutch: Corrine, I love you too much to torture you like this. If it would help, we’ll call them once every day.

Corrine: Okay. I know that we need the money and I will go with you wherever you go, Dutch because I love you.

[Dutch and Corrine kiss]

Dutch: I’ll call them in the morning.

Corrine: Great.

As some of you already know, I have been posting some of the Soap Fan Fiction at fanfiction.com, but none of the readers appreciate it so I may bring it back to the wonerful tv.com site-yay!
Let me know what you think!

This is not a Soap Fanfic (I swear! Since nobody is reading them here anymore, you can find them at Fanfiction.com under the name laylaorentea1985).

For those of you who remember, earlier this year, I was in a car accident, which screwed up my back and neck for a long time. I was in so much pain that I thought that there were times I was going to die.

The other day, the insurance company called and said that my chiropractor finally sent in the bill and they were going to pay them and that I was going to get a lovely settlement from them for my inconveniences these last six months! Yay! I am now going to do the hustle

(Does the hustle) Dododododo a-hustle!

See ya'll later!
~Layla

P.S. I know I changed my icon to Janet from Three's company because I look more like a Janet than a Jessica in real life.

Campbell House:
[Mary is lying in her bed. Chuck and Bob are in the room]

Bob: I wish she’d wake up. She is starting to smell really bad.

Chuck: Bob, she’s depressed.

Bob: And I’m not? Don’t you think that I am not depressed that our Scotty is on that spaceship alone? [Cries] Scotty! Scotty! Scotty!

[Burt comes into the room]

Burt: Hey Chuck, Bob.

Chuck: Hey dad.

Burt: Has she gotten up yet?

Chuck: Nope.

[Tries to wake Mary up]

Burt: Mare, come on, wake up.

Mary: [wearily] no!

Burt: You cannot escape reality like this! It’s not healthy!

Mary: Would you rather that I drink?

Burt: No, but you can’t do this either!

Mary: Let me know when my son is home, okay? [Pulls the covers over her head]

[Danny enters the room with Annie and Ted]

Danny: Hey Burt, Chuck, Bob.

Burt: Hey Dan.

Bob: Wrong one.

Danny: Ma, Annie and Ted are here to see you.

Annie: Hi Mary.

Mary: I’m not in the mood for company! [Pulls the covers over her head]

[Jessica enters]

Jessica: She is still not out of bed?

Burt: No.

Jessica: Let me try something [goes to the bathroom, fills a glass with water, comes back into the bedroom, and pours it on Mary’s head. Mary jumps right out of bed]

Mary: Enough! Everybody leave me alone! [Goes into the bathroom]

Jessica: Well, I’m out of ideas!

Bathroom:

[Mary is sobbing and then she abducted by aliens]

Spaceship:

[Mary walks out of the teleport and looks around]

Mary: Oh my God!

[Alien Burt greets her]

Alien Burt: Hey Mary, remember me?

[Mary faints]

Campbell Bathroom:
[Burt takes the door off the hinges]

Burt: Mare, I am coming in.

[The door is off the hinges]

Burt: Mary?

[Burt finds a note]

Burt: Oh no! The aliens have gotten her too! It was him! It was that horny little guy!

Danny: Well, maybe if you call NASA and explain it to them, they will help you out.

Jessica: Good idea.

[Jessica calls NASA]

Jessica: Hello, NASA?

Secretary: Yes, how may I help you? Could you please hold?

Jessica: We would like to report a kidnapping.

Secretary: What is the number for the police station?

Jessica: 911, why? Did you forget?

Secretary: Madam, you don’t want NASA for this, unless this is governmental issue, which I doubt it is. So you want to call the police station.

Jessica: They can’t help us like NASA can.

Secretary: What do you mean?

Jessica: My sister and her son were abducted by aliens. [Secretary laughs on the phone] I am serious! Why do you think I called NASA?

Burt: Jess, they can’t help us.

Jessica: They are responsible for Roswell.

Secretary: Roswell is a complete lie!

Jessica: I’ll go along with that if you promise to somehow bring my sister and her son back safely. This is the third time in six months she has been kidnapped.

Secretary: Lady, you are crazy! I suggest that you get some help! [Hangs up]

Danny: What did he say?

Jessica: That it’s hopeless.

Tate House:

[Corrine and Dutch enter the house]

Corrine: We’re back!

[Timmy runs down the stairs and greets Corrine]

Timmy: Ma!

Corrine: Timmy [hugs him]

Timmy: Ma I missed you so much!

Corrine: I missed you too, Timmy.

Timmy: Did you get me anything?

Dutch: Nope, but would you settle for five dollars?

Timmy: Okay [Dutch gives Timmy five dollars and Timmy goes upstairs]

Corrine: Why did you do that?

Dutch: I promised the little guy something and we never got around to any gift shops, if you know what I mean.

Corrine: [smirks] I think I do.

[Jessica comes into the room]

Jessica: Welcome home Corrine and Dutch!

[Corrine and Dutch hug Jessica]

Dutch: Thanks, Jessica.

Corrine: I think we better get Timmy ready to go home.

Jessica: Corrine, you don’t have to leave so soon.

Corrine: Ma, Dutch got a house and we are already settled in.

Jessica: Okay. Well, I have some news for you. Mary and Scotty were beamed up into space.

Corrine: What are you talking about?

Jessica: Remember when Aunt Mary told us that Burt disappeared?

[Scene when Mary talks about Burt’s disappearance]

Corrine: Sort of.

Jessica: Corrine, I am serious. At first, I did not believe Mary or Burt when they told me about it. Then Mary thought that she was pregnant with Alien Burt’s son, which may or may not have been true, although, she did claim to see the baby fly around the room, but then we all thought that she was drinking.

Corrine: Ma, what are you talking about?

Jessica: I am talking about Scotty and Mary being up there in space.

Corrine: Ah, I get it now [to Dutch] we need to get her to a doctor.

Alien spaceship:

[Mary is strapped down when she wakes up. She looks around]

Mary: I thought I stopped drinking.

[Alien Burt enters the room]

Alien Burt: Hey Mare.

Mary: Oh my God! Burt!

Alien Burt: No, Alien Burt. I brought you here to be with me forever. I also brought our son.

Mary: I will admit that the sex was great and too much, but what do you want with Scotty and I?

Alien Burt: A life.

Mary: You don’t want a life with us! [Laughs] Scotty and I are horrible, mean people. Complete slobs.

Alien Burt: I could live with that [starts to grope Mary] Come on Mary, for old times sake, huh?

Mary: No. I am too tired.

Alien Burt: Mary, I know you want to.

Mary: I can’t. Where’s Scotty?

Alien Burt: In his room asleep. You know what, he looks like my brother.

Mary: I always thought that he looked like Burt.

Alien Burt: Tell me about the birth, Mare. I wished I were there.

[Scene after Mary gives birth to Scotty]

Alien Burt: It must have been wonderful.

Mary: It was.

Alien Burt: Is Burt a good father?

Mary: Yes, he is.

Alien Burt: A good husband?

Mary: Yes.

Alien Burt: A good lover?

[Mary thinks for a moment]

Tate Living Room:

[Knock on the door and Benson answers it. It is Tim Flotsky]

Tim: Hey Benson. Remember me?

Benson: Corrine, it’s for you.

[Corrine comes downstairs]

Corrine: Tim.

Tim: Corrine.

Corrine: Timothy.

Tim: Corrine.

Corrine: Timothy Lucas Flotsky.

Tim: Corrine Louise Tate-Flotsky-Lightner.

Corrine: What do you want?

Tim: I want to see my son.

Corrine: Why all of the sudden interest?

Tim: I’m dying Corrine.

Spaceship:

[Alien Burt meets Scotty]

Alien Burt: So, you are Scotty.

Scotty: Yeah.

Alien: I am Burt, your father.

Scotty: Good. I met you. May I go home now?

Alien Burt: I want to know you, son. I would feel like a deadbeat if I did not get to know my own flesh and plasma.

Scotty: Plasma?

Alien Burt: Aliens don’t have blood. We have plasma.

Scotty: Oh. Do I have plasma?

Alien Burt: I want to know you, son. I want to teach you how to ride a rocket and how to explode Saturn. I want to be good father, unlike the one I had. The one I had wished that I had not existed.

Scotty: But I have a mom and a dad back on Earth.

Alien Burt: Well, your mother is with us.

Scotty: I have got to go see her. She’s probably scared right now.

Alien Burt: Not now, son. Right now, she is asleep. The trip was overwhelming. First, I want to know everything about you.

Scotty: I am six years old, I love Moby Dick, and I am the smartest kid in school. See ya [starts to go look for Mary, but Alien Burt stops him]

Scotty: I am six years old, I love Moby Dick, and I am the smartest kid in school. See ya [starts to go look for Mary, but Alien Burt stops him]

Alien Burt: Not so fast, kiddo. I want to know something else. Are you happy with Burt?

Scotty: You or Earth Burt?

Alien Burt: Earth Burt.

Scotty: Yes. I like him. He taught me how to play catch and fish.

Alien Burt: Son, I will take you to your mom.

[Alien Burt and Scotty meet up with Mary, who is still strapped down]

Mary: Scotty!

Scotty: Ma! [Hugs her] I want to go home.

Mary: So do I son! So do I!

Scotty: [To Alien Burt] Why is she strapped down?

Alien Burt: We want to make sure she is healthy.

Scotty: Let her go!

Alien Burt: I will in a minute.

Scotty: You better!

Alien Burt: Scotty, I need to talk to your mother alone.

Scotty: Then can we go home?

Alien Burt: Maybe.

Scotty: Okay.

[Scotty leaves]

Mary: What are you going to do?

Alien Burt: [unties Mary] I want a quickie for the road.

Mary: When you were on earth, we did it every night. Isn’t that enough?

Alien Burt: [backs her up] And I haven’t touched a woman since. Come on, Mare. Huh? Then you can go home.

[Mary kicks Alien Burt between the legs and makes a run for it]

Lightner house:

[Corrine is sitting on the couch, waiting for Timmy to come home from school]

Timmy: Hey Ma.

Corrine: Timmy, I need to tell you something about Tim Flotsky, your birth father.

Timmy: What about him?

Corrine: He’s dying honey.

Timmy: Why should I care?

Corrine: Because he is your birth father.

Timmy: Oh, okay.

Corrine: I don’t know what he has, but he wants to meet you before he dies. Would you like to?

Timmy: I don’t know. The man abandoned me when I was a baby and never called me and now he wants to talk to me. Forget it!

Spaceship:

[Mary and Scotty are running around the spaceship looking for a way off. They meet up with Saul]

Saul: When did you guys get on board?

Mary: I don’t know.

Scotty: I lost count.

Saul: I have been here for over 3,000 years.

Mary: Are you who I think you are?

Saul: Who do you think I am? Moses?

Mary: Saul! Burt told me all about you!

Saul: Burt is a good man. [Shows them his watch] he gave me his watch.

Mary: That was his favorite watch.

Saul: I know. He said that there was something called a warranty on it. I bet you two want to leave the silver shrimp midgets.

Mary: Yes.

Scotty: Can you help us?

Saul: Can I help you? I got Burt home didn’t I?

Mary: Yes you did.

Saul: Follow me then!

Lightner house:

[Corrine and Timmy are sitting at the coffee table doing homework]

Corrine: Okay Timmy, now if Anne has five apples and Joe has twice as many apples, how many apples does Joe have?

Timmy: Why don’t we have Joe go get a calculator and ask him?

Corrine: Timmy, you need to know this.

Timmy: I need to know how many apples Joe has?

Corrine: No, how to multiply.

Timmy: I can do that with a calculator.

[Doorbell rings and Corrine answers it. It is Tim]

Tim: Corrine.

Corrine: Tim.

[Tim looks at Timmy]

Tim: Is that my son?

Timmy: I hope not [runs out of the room]

Corrine: Timmy! [Looks at Tim] I don’t blame him.

Tim: Why?

Corrine: Tim, you walked out on him and I when he was a baby.

Tim: What did you tell him, Corrine?

Corrine: The truth.

Tim: Why?

Corrine: Because it was the right thing to do. He needs to know what kind of man his father really is.

Tim: Corrine, I know that you are mad at me because I left you and Timmy, but I think my son should know who his father is and that his father is dying.

Corrine: Let me talk to Timmy, okay?

Tim: Fine.

[Corrine goes into the kitchen]

[Timmy is sitting at the table and Corrine comes in and sits next to him]

Corrine: So, that’s your father out there.

Timmy: Yeah and?

Corrine: And I want you to meet him.

Timmy: I don’t owe that jerk a thing!

Corrine: Timmy.

Timmy: Ma, you know that he left you when I was a baby. I don’t owe him a thing.

Corrine: He is dying Timmy and he is trying to make his peace with God.

Timmy: No he is not!

Corrine: Is too! I know he is not lying because he was a priest once.

Timmy: Dad was a priest?

[Corrine nods]

Timmy: Why did he leave?

Corrine: To marry me.

Timmy: Then he left you?

[Corrine nods]

Timmy: Why?

Corrine: He felt that he could not fill out the duties of husband and father.

[Timmy and Corrine go into the living room and Tim arises from the couch]

Corrine: Timmy, this is your father.

Tim: Hello son. The last time I saw you were when you were a baby.

Timmy: Yeah, so ma told me.

Tim: There has not been a day that has not gone by when I did not think of you. I thought about writing to you, but then I did not think that your mother would like that.

Corrine: Tim, I wouldn’t have minded.

[Tim smiles weakly]

Timmy: So you did not hate me?

Tim: Nor your mother. I wanted to be a good husband and father, but I couldn’t. I have got to go, son. Take care of your mother for me.

Timmy: Okay.

[Tim leaves]

Dunn’s River College:
[Billy is eating in the cafeteria when Leslie walks up to him]

Leslie: Hey, Billy. Want to meet up sometime tonight.

Billy: No, because I will get into trouble with ma.

Leslie: You are twenty-three years old, Billy. Your mommy can’t tell you what you can and cannot do all the time.

Billy: True.

Leslie: See you tonight.

Billy: Same place.

Leslie: Be sure to unlock your window at midnight.

Scotty’s Room:
[Scotty is playing in his room and Mary comes in and he jumps into bed]

Mary: I saw that young man.

Scotty: Saw what?

Mary: You know what I mean [tucks him in] now it’s time for bed [kisses his forehead] goodnight Scotty.

Scotty: Can’t I stay up a little longer?

Mary: No!

[Mary leaves his room and a spaceship abducts Scotty and leaves Mary a note]

Mary and Burt’s room:

[Mary and Burt had just got done having sex. Mary is smiling and Burt is glowing]

Mary: Burt, you were wonderful.

Burt: So were you. I don’t think we ever made love like that. My shorts are in Vogel’s yard and boy, won’t he be surprised in the morning [chuckles]

Mary: My nightgown is in their rose bush [laughs]

[Chuck and Bob knock on the door]

Chuck: Dad! Mary!

Mary: [panics] oh my God! [Pulls the covers over her body] Don’t let them in! I’m naked!

Burt: Who is it?

Chuck: It’s Chuck.

Bob: And Bob.

[Burt gets his pajama bottoms on]

Burt: [While he is getting his bottoms on] Ugh…what do you want? [Trips and hits his head against the night table] Damn it!

Mary: Quick! My gown!

Burt: Where is it?

Mary: I don’t know! Oh my God, I think I threw it towards the window! [Burt goes over to the window] What about my robe?

Burt: I think that that went out too. I see it in the Campton’s hydrangea bushes.

[Mary wraps the blanket around her and goes into the bathroom and Burt lets Chuck and Bob in]

Burt: What is it?

Chuck: Scotty’s missing!

Bob: [Crying] Scotty! Scotty! Scotty!

Burt: Mare, we have a kid missing!

Mary v/o: Which one?

Burt: Scotty!

[Mary comes out of the bathroom wrapped in the blanket]

Mary: Scotty?

Bob: Well, this is nice. Is this your middle age spread look? [Laughs]

Chuck: Bob!

Mary: Did you look all over the house?

Chuck: Yes, I even checked the backyard.

Bob: [cries] Scotty! Scotty! Scotty!

Mary: Let me get a nightgown on and we’ll go look for Scotty.

Burt: Come on guys let’s let her get dressed [Burt, Chuck, and Bob leave the room]

Campbell living room:

Mary: Burt, he’s gone!

Burt: Mare, do not lose faith yet. He will turn up. He is probably playing a game or something, god willing.

[Mary cries and Burt comforts her]

[Chuck and Bob come downstairs]

Chuck: Hey Dad, Bob found this in Scotty’s room.

[Chuck gives Burt the letter]

Burt: It’s in Hieroglyphics. I don’t know Egyptian!

Mary: [Sobs] Oh God!

Chuck: Bob, do you know what it says?

Bob: Not really. It looks like Alien.

Burt: [looks at it] Oh my god! He’s been kidnapped by Aliens!

Bob: What do we do? Call the police?

Burt: If we do, then we will be all committed.

[Mary gets up]

Mary: I’m going to bed. Wake me up when it’s over.

Burt: Mare, are you going to be okay?

Mary: I don’t know.

Burt: Mare, I do not think escaping reality is a good idea. It’s unhealthy.

Mary: So what. My son was abducted by aliens. What else can I do? [Goes upstairs and goes to the master bedroom]

Chuck: I’ll go make some coffee dad.

Bob: Scotty! Scotty! Scotty!

[Chuck and Bob go into the kitchen]

Burt: My son has been abducted by aliens, my wife is escaping reality by sleeping, and my other son thinks his dummy is real. Why do all the weird things have to happen in my family?

Billy’s Room:

[Leslie is sitting on Billy’s Bed]

Billy: Leslie, you cannot be here. You have to go home.

Leslie: But I love you.

Billy: Ma says that if I see you again, I’m grounded. Now you gotta leave.

Leslie: Love should not you not make you afraid. Billy, go against the grain and sleep with me. I promise that I will be out of here before your mother comes up here tomorrow morning.

Billy: Promise?

Leslie: Yes.

Billy: Okay [Billy crawls into bed with her. Leslie squeaks really loud and Jessica and Benson run into Billy’s room. Benson turns the lights on and Billy and Leslie stop]

Benson: This ain’t my business. It’s all your’s, Missus Tate [leaves the room]

Leslie: Mrs. Tate.

Jessica: Mrs. Walker, Billy. Both of you get dressed, now. Billy, I want you to wait up here until I can think of a suitable punishment for you.

Billy: Yes, ma.

Jessica: Mrs. Walker, I want you to come downstairs with me while I call the police to have you arrested [Kathy cries] Oh, Benson take care of Kathy, please.

Benson v/o: Yes, Missus Tate.

Leslie: Mrs. Tate, please don’t call the police.

Jessica: Just watch me, Mrs. Walker.

Leslie: [pulls out a gun] Do and you die.

Billy: Leslie!

Jessica: Why are you doing this?

Leslie: I love Bill Tate. I truly love him.

Jessica: But I don’t think that you should be sleeping with him because you are old enough to be his mother.

Leslie: I am only thirty-four years old, Mrs. Tate.

Jessica: That’s funny. I was about that age when I had him. See I was right you are old enough to be his mother.

Leslie: Yeah, if I had him when I was seventeen.

Jessica: Billy would be sixteen then. He’s twenty-three now.

Leslie: Fine, fifteen. I was always bad at math.

Jessica: Oh.

Leslie: Well, I won’t shoot you. Besides, the darn thing isn’t loaded.

Billy: Leslie, why did you threaten her with an unloaded gun?

Leslie: Because I did not want to be arrested and I love you, Billy.

Billy: I love you too, Leslie, but please don’t be crazy.

Jessica: If you two really love each other, I guess then I could let you continue seeing each other.

Billy: Thanks ma.

Jessica: But if you hurt my little boy, I will kill you. Sleep tight, kids [Leaves Billy’s Room]

Leslie: Billy, I’m so glad that we are finally alone.

Billy: Yeah, but don’t go crazy this time and don’t be so loud.

Leslie: Okay, Billy.

Billy: Hey, call me Bill.

Leslie: Okay, Bill [goes under the sheets and Billy jumps onto the bed]

Alien spaceship:

[Scotty is chained down to the bed]

Alien: Greetings, earthling.

Scotty: Where am I?

Alien: We came to see you about a year ago, remember?

Scotty: Now you look familiar.

Alien: We have brought you home to your father.

Scotty: My father? Burt and Mary Campbell are my parents!

Alien: No, you are half right. Alien Burt is your father and Mary Campbell is your mother. [Un straps Scotty from the bed] Would you like to meet your father? He is anxious to meet you.

Scotty: No, I want to go home.

Alien: You will, I promise, but I want you to meet your father. We will call him Burt.

[Alien and Scotty exit the room]

Mary and Burt’s room:

[Mary is lying in bed and Jodie and Danny come in]

Jodie: Remember, we want to get ma out of bed because this is not healthy for her. Now according to Burt, she has been in bed for days, probably in the same pajamas.

Danny: Right.

Jodie: So, remember the plan?

Danny: Absolutely.

Jodie: Good [Jodie and Danny go over to Mary] hi ma.

[Mary says nothing]

Jodie: Wendy and Alex are downstairs. Don’t you want to see them?

Mary: [moans] no.

Jodie: They want to see you.

[Mary pulls the covers over her]

Danny: Hey, Ted wants to see you.

[Mary cries]

Jodie: Well, there goes that plan.

[Jessica enters]

Jessica: yoo-hoo!

Jodie: Hey Aunt Jessie.

Jessica: Is Mary still depressed?

Jodie: Yes.

Jessica: Let me try something. [Goes over to Mary] This always worked when we were kids [climbs onto the bed] Mary, here come the tickle monster! [Tickles Mary and then Mary pushes her off]

Mary: Why can’t everybody leave me the hell alone? I just want to be alone right now because my son is on a spaceship and there is no way to get him back! Just leave me alone, okay? [Goes into the bathroom]

Jessica: Well, I’m out of ideas!

Campbell basement:
[Burt is trying to build a spaceship. Danny and Jodie come downstairs]

Danny: Burt, we can’t get ma out of bed.

Jodie: We even told her that the grandchildren are here.

Burt: Is Jess still up there?

Jodie: Yeah, but she is not successful either.

[Mary can be heard slamming the bathroom door]

Jessica v/o: At least while your in there, could you change your pajamas?

Burt: Nothing!

Jodie: I know.

Danny: I say that we, you know.

Burt: [thinks] What?

Danny: Shell her out! We’ll put tear gas in her room and then bam! We’ll get her out!

Burt: Danny, she’s your mother!

Danny: How about we hose her out?

Burt: Danny?

Danny: Yeah?

Burt: Shut up! I got to go check on my roast. Since your mom is not cooking, I have to.

Campbell House:

[Annie, Wendy, Jodie, Maggie, Alex, Jessica, and Danny are sitting in the dinning room waiting for dinner. Burt walks in from the Kitchen burnt from head to toe]

Wendy: Grandpa what happened!

Burt: I burnt. Do me a favor. Nobody go into the kitchen for a while.

Annie: Do we need to get some Aloe?

Burt: No, I’m fine.

Jodie: Do you just want to order out?

Burt: Yeah, that’s a good idea. Who’s in the mood for pizza?

Danny: Oh boy! I love pizza! Can we order from Dominos?

Maggie: Nah! Pizza Hut is Better!

Jessica: I hate Pizza Hut! They burn their pepperonis. Can we order from Papa John’s?

Danny: I hate Papa John’s!

Wendy: What about Imo’s?

Annie: I personally like Little Caesar’s.

Jessica: I like that little guy running around in the toga saying “Pizza, Pizza!” [Laughs]

Burt: Two for one? Sure. Who wants Little Caesar’s?

Everybody: I do!

Jodie: Burt, I’ll go clean the kitchen while you order a pizza or something.

Burt: Okay, thanks Jodie.

Maggie: I’ll help you.

[Maggie and Jodie go into the kitchen]

Alex: I wanna watch T.V.

Wendy: Me too! [Wendy and Alex jump onto the couch, turn the T.V. on and crank up the volume]

Burt: Hey! Hey! Turn it down will yah? [On the phone] Hello, I want…

Billy’s School:

[Billy is making out with his Spanish teacher on her desk]

Billy: How was that for oral exam?

Senora Garcia: Muy Bien, Billy.

Billy: Call me Bill.

Senora Garcia: No wonder why Leslie wanted you.

Billy: She talks about me?

Senora Garcia: Si.

Billy: So did I pass?

Senora Garcia: What class do you have? Ask me over dinner at my apartment tonight.

Billy: Okay.

Senora Garcia: Then it is a date, no?

Billy: Yes.

Senora Garcia: Si. See you tonight at seven.

Billy: You got it [leaves the room and runs into Mia Long in the hallway]

Mia: Bill, you remember our date tonight at the Dunn’s Inn?

Billy: Yes Mia [kisses her] how could I forget? [continues kissing her]

Wendy’s room:

[Wendy is laying her bed and Jodie is taking her temperature]

Wendy: Dad, I feel hot.

[Jodie looks at her temperature]

Jodie: Honey, this thermometer says that you have a high temperature of one hundred degrees. [Feels her forehead] you are very hot. [Picks her up] Come on, I’m putting you in the tub.

Bathroom:

[Jodie has Wendy in the tub]

Jodie: Honey, everything will be all right, I swear.

[Maggie enters the bathroom]

Maggie: Jodie, don’t you think that it’s a bit early to give the kid a bath?

Jodie: Maggie, she has a fever.

[Maggie feels Wendy’s head]

Maggie: Oh my God! Jodie! Call a doctor!

[Jodie runs out of the bathroom and Maggie gets Wendy out of the bathroom. She wraps her up in a towel]

Wendy: Mommy, what’s wrong?

Maggie: I don’t know, baby. Honey, you’re pulsating! Jodie!

[Jodie runs back into the bathroom]

Jodie: Get her dressed and off to the doctors! I’ll drop Alex off at somebody’s house and meet you there! [Runs out of the bathroom]

Doctor’s Office:
[Maggie is sitting in the waiting room with Wendy, fully dressed, but wrapped up in a blanket]

Maggie: Baby, you’ll be fine.

Wendy: I can’t stop shaking.

[Jodie rushes into the waiting room]

Jodie: I left Alex with Aunt Jessie.

Maggie: Good. We’re next.

[Nurse comes in]

Nurse: Wendy Dallas.

Maggie: Here she is [with Jodie, takes Wendy into the doctor’s office]

Doctor’s Office:

Doctor: Hmm.

Jodie: Hmmm.

Doctor: Hmmm.

Jodie: What?

Doctor: She’s a very sick little girl. It looks like measles.

Jodie: What do we do?

Doctor: She’ll need plenty of rest and liquids.

Jodie: Thank you doctor.

Maggie: Wait a minute! Doctor, why do you say that she has measles? She was not itching.

Doctor: They just appeared.

Wendy: Mom, my arms itch [starts scratching, but Jodie stops her]

Doctor: Calomine lotion shall help you [gives Maggie the bottle of Calomine Lotion] Just make follow my instructions and they should clear up in about a week or two. Bring her in if they do not.

Jodie: She will be all right?

Doctor: Jodie, you had them when you were her age.

Jodie: Really?

Doctor: Yes and your mother worried about you too. Now take her home, let her rest, and have her drink plenty of fluids.

Maggie: Thank you doctor.

[Jodie picks Wendy up]

Doctor: Anytime Mrs. Dallas.

[The Dallas’s leave]

Scotty’s Room:

[It is night time and Burt is staking out in Scotty’s room to see if he will make things fly around the room. Mary sneaks up on him]

Mary: Burt!

[Burt jumps]

Mary: Quiet! You’ll wake him up!

Burt: Mare, I am just waiting to see if he will, you know.

Mary: Probably not. Hey Burt, let’s go to our room and do, you know.

Burt: Not now Mare! I want to see if he does it again!

Mary: Burt, you are not sleeping in here tonight! Scotty asked me why you did and I told him that you thought you heard a noise and you wanted to make sure that he was safe. Then Scotty said: “Ten nights in a row?”

Burt: It wasn’t ten. It was nine.

Mary: Come back to bed, Burt. Please.

Burt: All right.

Mary: Now come on.

[They leave Scotty’s room and then all of the objects start flying around. Mary and Burt run back into the room]

Mary: Oh my God!

Burt: I knew that he would do it again! I knew it!

[A book flies towards Scotty and Mary dodges it. She gets a black eye]

Burt: Mare!

Mary: Burt, I’m fine!

Campbell Kitchen:

[Chuck and Bob are at the fridge trying to find something to eat]

Chuck: How about a bologna sandwich?

Bob: Had it for lunch.

Chuck: Burt’s leftover Sub?

Bob: Uh-uh! The man doses it in jalapenos!

Chuck: Oh! There is some fruit!

Bob: I was saving that for Jodie.

Chuck: Bob!

Bob: You know how he likes bananas.

[Burt leads Mary into the kitchen because she cannot see out of one of her eyes]

Burt: just sit down there Mare and I’ll get you a steak or something.

[Chuck and Bob see Mary]

Bob: What happened to you? Did he finally beat you?

Chuck: Bob!

Mary: No, I get hit in the head with a flying book.

Bob: Did the book fly out of Burt’s hand?

Burt: Bob! [Gets a steak out and gives it to Mary]

Mary: Thanks Burt [puts the steak on her eye]

Bob: I was going to eat that. What a way to waste a sirloin.

Chuck: Bob!

Mary: Burt, don’t we have any ice packs?

Burt: I did not see any. I had to get something cold on it right away before it swells up and you look like a Dalmatian.

Mary: Oh.

Burt: Do you want something to eat?

Mary: Burt, I have a piece of raw meat on my forehead and you ask me if I want something to eat? What do I look like? A dog?

Bob: No comment!

Burt: [to Chuck] Shut him up before he is sawdust!

Chuck: Come on Bob, let’s go upstairs.

Bob: But I’m hungry!

Chuck: You take forever to eat anyways so come on.

[Chuck and Bob exit]

[Burt shakes his head]

Mary: We better get some sleep. Corrine’s wedding is tomorrow and Jodie and Maggie are coming home with Wendy.

[Burt leads Mary to their room]

Wedding:

[Corrine is standing with Jessica in the lobby. Jessica is crying]

Corrine: Oh Ma, don’t cry. I’ll still be living in town.

Jessica: [Sobs] but the house will be so empty without you, Timmy, and Dutch.

Corrine: We’ll visit.

Jessica: Every night?

Corrine: Almost. We need somebody to take care of the Timmy. Now cheer up.

Jessica: Okay. I’ll wave to you like I did at your first wedding.

[Jessica goes into the sanctuary as Benson enters the lobby]

Benson: Well, yet again I get to walk you down the aisle.

Corrine: It’ll be just like old times.

Benson: Do me a favor. Stay married to this one.

Corrine: I will [kisses Benson on the cheek]

[Benson walks Corrine down the aisle as somebody sings God Hath Made Thee Mine. They get to the alter and see that it is Tim]

Chester: Why did I not get to walk Corrine down the aisle?

Jessica: Because she wanted Benson to. It seems logical sense he did it the first time because you and Dutch were hiding out in our basement.

Corrine: Tim? I knew that the minister was sick, but I didn’t think that you would replace him.

Tim: I am a minister now.

Dutch: Oh boy. Hi ya Tim. I’m Dutch. At first I was dating Eunice, then I dated Corrine, then I went back out with Eunice, then I married Eunice while Corrine was in California. Then Corrine came back and Eunice cheated on me and then Corrine and I hooked up and Eunice tried to kill us and here we are [chuckles]

Tim: I am happy for the both of you. I would be honored to marry Corrine to you.

Dutch: Thanks, father.

Tim: Not Father, but Reverend. Do you Dutch Hampton Lightner take Corrine Louise Tate-Flotsky to be your lawfully wedded wife, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death you part?

Dutch: I do.

Tim: Do you, Corrine Louis Tate-Flotsky, take Dutch Hampton Lightner to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

Corrine: I do.

Tim: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[Corrine and Dutch kiss]

Tim: May I be the first to introduce Mr. and Mrs. Lightner?

[Corrine and Dutch leave the chapel as the Tates and Campbells chase after them]

The reception:

[Tim goes up to Corrine and Dutch]

Tim: Congratulations, Corrine.

Corrine: Tim, you have been saying that to me all night.

Tim: I mean it. I’m glad that you are over me.

Corrine: It took awhile and then I met Dutch. He cheered me up and makes a hell of a clam linguini.

Tim: How about Timmy?

Corrine: Timmy loves him to death and Dutch is crazy about him.

Tim: Corrine, can I talk to him?

Corrine: I don’t think that that would be a good idea, Tim. Timmy thinks that you hate him.

Tim: Why?

Corrine: You left him as an infant and then you never called him or did anything with him like a normal father would.

Tim: I want to meet him.

Corrine: I don’t want you to. You are not going to torture him and make him feel guilty for our sins.

Tim: I won’t. I just want to talk to him.

Corrine: No you won’t.

[Jessica goes over to Corrine and Tim]

Jessica: Oh, what a lovely wedding! I love weddings! Of course, the marriages do not always last.

Tim: Hello, Jessica.

Jessica: Hello, Tim. It’s been years.

Tim: I know.

Jessica: I haven’t seen you since that night you called Corrine a nympho and she called you a eunuch. How have you been?

Tim: Fine, Jessica. How’s Timmy?

Jessica: He’s fine.

Tim: Does he know anything about me, besides the fact that I walked out on Corrine and him when he was a baby?

Jessica: Not really.

Tim: That does not surprise me.

Corrine: Tim, I think that you overstayed your welcome, now leave my reception.

Tim: Fine.

[Tim leaves]

Jessica: Hey Jodie, I saw your mom. She has this huge black eye.

Jodie: Burt gave it to her.

Jessica: Oh. I don’t think that Burt would do that.

Jodie: You know that he killed my father.

Jessica: If anyone has a temper it’s Mary. Mary has a strong right arm. She used to play softball. I remember when Mary threw a ball at this girl, Josie and made Josie go home with a bruised up leg.

Jodie: Aunt Jessie, I don’t think that ma would do that. Besides, she is the one with the black eye. I think that it would be best if Scotty and Ma move in with you.

[Mary goes over to Jessica and Jodie]

Jessica: hey Mary!

Mary: Hi Jessica?

Jessica: Is it true that Burt hit you?

Mary: No! I told you Jess that I got hit by a flying book in Scotty’s room.

Jessica: You see Jodie, it was Scotty who hit her! [Smile disappears] he’s got quite an arm for a six-year-old.

Mary: Scotty did not hit me, Jess. Books were flying around his room while he slept the other night.

Jessica: I see…and do you laugh and cry a lot for no apparent reason or did Burt tell you to tell that story?

Mary: I am not making it up!

Jessica: I see.

Tate Kitchen:

[Mary and Jessica are in the kitchen talking as Timmy and Scotty run into the kitchen and hide behind the counter]

[Timmy and Scotty run into the kitchen and hide behind the counter]

Mary: What are you boys doing?

Timmy: Hiding from Wendy.

Jessica: Why?

Scotty: We’re playing hide-and-seek.

Mary: Shouldn’t you two be hiding in different places?

Scotty: It’s not fun to hide alone when she takes her sweet time looking for you.

[Wendy comes into the kitchen]

Wendy: Grandma, did Timmy and Scotty come in here?

Mary: I am not at liberty to say.

Wendy: Okay [finds Timmy and Scotty] gotcha!

Timmy: Shoot!

Scotty: Man that means that we are it!

Wendy: Now it is my turn to hide! [Runs out of the kitchen]

Scotty: She is very tricky.

Timmy: Tell me about it.

[Scotty and Timmy leave the kitchen]

Jessica: Oh, I am going to miss this when Corrine and Dutch get back from their honeymoon.

Mary: Jessie, you are going to have a big house all to yourself basically. I would kill for that! Of course, I would like it to still have Burt though, if you know what I mean.

Jessica: What do you mean?

Mary: [whispers] sex!

Jessica: Oh that! [Laughs] It’s been so long! I think I forgotten how to Mary.

Mary: [laughs] it’s like riding a bike, Jess. One does not forget how to ride a bike.

Jessica: Then maybe I should learn.

[Alex runs into the room]

Alex: Grandma! Aunt Jessie! Scotty’s hurt!

Mary: Scotty!

[Mary runs out of the kitchen and goes into the living room]

Timmy: Oh my God!

Wendy: Oh my goodness!

[Scotty is on the floor at the bottom of the stairs moaning]

Mary: Scotty! What happened?

Wendy: He tried to fly. He said he could.

Mary: Oh my God! Jess! Call an ambulance!

Hospital:

[Jessica and Mary are in the hospital waiting room]

Jessica: Everything will be all right, Mary. I promise.

Mary: How many trips to the hospital do we have to make a year?

Jessica: I do not know.

[Doctor enters the room]

Doctor: Mrs. Campbell?

Mary: Yes!

Doctor: Scotty will be fine. He just broke his arm, that’s all.

Mary: Oh thank God!

Doctor: You can take him home tonight if you like.

Mary: Thank you doctor.

Campbell House:

[Mary enters with Scotty]

Mary: Did we learn something?

Scotty: Yeah, don’t jump off the stairs at Aunt Jessie’s house. Mom, I swear I can fly!

Mary: No you can’t! [Laughs] You’re a little boy.

Scotty: Mom, I once floated.

Mary: In a pool you once floated. Not in thin air.

Scotty: Mom, I did.

Mary: No you didn’t.

Scotty: I did too! Here, I’ll prove it! [Closes his eyes]

Mary: Scotty, I do not want to make another trip to the ER.

Scotty: Watch mom. I’ll prove it to you. [Concentrates]

Mary: Scotty, you cannot fly! Why don’t you go upstairs and rest while I get dinner ready.

Scotty: Fine [jumps, but that does not work and he goes to his room]

Mary: [to herself] Oh my God! He saw himself flying around the room!

Tate House:
[Chester and Jessica are sitting on the couch]

Jessica: I want to talk to you Chester.

Chester: What about Jessica?

Jessica: You remember that night when we had to commit Mary to that hospital because she was declared brain dead, which she wasn’t, and when we committed her there, they told us that only Burt could see her and-.

Chester: Just get to the point Jessica.

Jessica: While I was signing the papers to have Mary committed I kissed you.

Chester: I know. I was there.

Jessica: Chester, we were divorced a few years ago.

Chester: I know, and?

Jessica: It just does not seem normal for me to fall in love with a man I just divorced.

Chester: Jess, you know that I love you still and always will.

Jessica: I know and I guess I still and always will love you.

Chester: Jess [kisses her]

Dallas House:
[Annie is sitting on the couch and she goes into labor]

Annie: Danny!!!!

[Danny runs into the living room]

Danny: Annie! What is it?

Annie: I’m in labor!

Danny: oh my god!

[Danny grabs the overnight bag and runs out of the house]

Annie: Danny! You forgot about me!

[Danny comes back into the house and gets Annie]

Danny: Let’s go!

Hospital:
[Danny is waiting in the waiting room and Mary, Jessica, and Burt rush in]

Burt: Hey Dan! Did she have it yet?

Danny: no, not yet. I am out here because she kicked me out. [Sees Mary] hi ma [hugs Mary]

Mary: Hey Danny.

[Nurse runs out]

Nurse: Danny, your wife wants you in there with her.

[Danny runs back into the room]

Jessica: Annie must have some hormones.

[Chester comes in]

Chester: I came in as soon as I could. All I could find was twenty minute parking so that means Burt has to drive around and then park the car again.

Burt: why me? It’s my grandchild. I’m not moving.

Chester: Danny is my son.

Burt: Yeah, well you only knew about that for a few years. He has been my stepson longer.

Chester: Then Mary can drive.

Mary: I am the one you made the son with.

Jessica: [sighs] why didn’t we bring Benson?

Mary: I'm sure the doctor will validate your parking ticket Chester.

Chester: Fine, but if I get a ticket, Danny owes me $75 dollars!

[Jodie, Maggie, Alex, and Wendy enter]

Jodie: I came as soon as I got your message Ma. Has he had it yet?

Mary: No, we are still waiting.

[Danny comes out]

Mary: Danny what is it? A boy or a girl?

Danny: I don't know, she kicked me out again.

Chester: I don't know why you would want to be in there anyways. When Eunice and Billy were born, I stayed in the waiting room and waited patiently while Jessica was in labor.

Jessica: And don't forget that you had an affair with the maternity ward nurse.

Chester: I thought that you were going to forgive me for that.

Jessica: I was going to only because I thought I was dying at one point.

[Nurse enters]

Nurse: Mr. Dallas, your wife wants you back in there.

Danny: Are you sure?

Nurse: She threw a bedpan at the window and refuses to calm down unless you are in there.

Danny: I'll be right back! [Runs back into the room]

Alex: I hope Aunt Annie has a boy.

Wendy: I hope it's a girl, because I am tired of being the only girl in this family.

Alex: Mommy, grandma, Aunt Jessie, and Aunt Annie are girls.

Wendy: I know, but they're adults. I want a girl in the family to play Barbies with [to Mary] What do you hope it will be grandma?

Mary: I don’t really know, Wendy. Low in front it’s a boy and high in back it’s a girl, so it must be a boy.

Burt: Annie’s diffidently high in back so it’s a girl.

Mary: No, it’s a boy because she did not have any back pains.

Burt: Fine. What do I know?

[Danny enters into the waiting room]

Danny: It’s a boy! Theodore Daniel Dallas! 8 pounds and 10 ounces!

Mary: Told you Burt! A boy!

Wendy: Can I see him Uncle Danny?

Danny: Sure! You all can go see him!

[They all go into the maternity ward]

Mary: He looks like you did when you were born Danny.

Maggie: He’s so cute!

Alex: Boy aren’t cute! They’re handsome!

Burt: Hey Teddy! Teddy! [Makes faces] Grandpa!

Chester: Hey there little fellow! It's grandpa! [Thinks for a minute] As weird as that may be.

Burt: Danny, how's Annie?

Danny: She's sleeping.

Jessica: Awe! He reminds of Danny when he was born, Mare. Remember?

Mary: Oh yes[chuckles and then stops]

Jessica: He’s pudgy just like Chester.

Chester: I resent that Jess.
Jessica: I know, but it's a hypothetical question.

Mary: If I could, yes. What about you?

Jessica: Maybe, but then again, I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't have it with Chester, but then again, I would not mind having a child with Peter Sellers.

Mary: Why him?

Jessica: because he's so funny.

Burt: Teddy is going to grow into a fine young strapping man like grandpa.

Alex: Will he go fishing with us Grandpa?

Burt: Yes when he gets older.

Alex: When can we go fishing grandpa?

Burt: How about next weekend, if that is okay with your parents?

Maggie: Yeah.

Jodie: Sure, that sounds great.

Alex: Okay.

Wendy: Sounds great!

Alex: Girls can't fish!

Maggie: Alex, I did not raise you to be a sexist pig, now apologize to your sister.

Alex: Why?

Maggie: Because girls can do anything that boys can do, now apologize to your sister.

Alex: But girls can't pee in the woods like boys can.

Maggie: I don't care if girls can't grunt like boys, now apologize!

Alex: Sorry Wendy.

Wendy: It's okay.

Burt: What a trip it will be. Fishing with my grandkids. Someday Ted, I’ll take you with me.

Mary: What about Scotty Burt?

Burt: Oh yeah, he might want to come.

Ohio:

[Jodie and Maggie go to a motel]

Maggie: I cannot believe that you were checking out the farmhand!

Jodie: It’s not like I was going to sleep with him.

Maggie: You asked for his number.

Jodie: Because I thought that he would look good in my next commercial for the gym.

Maggie: I can’t believe that you would look at him like that! You were basically drooling like some nerdy schoolboy!

Jodie: He did not have a shirt on! [Covers his mouth]

Maggie: Is that it? You are still gay?

Jodie: No, I’m bisexual. You know that!

Maggie: I can’t believe you!

Jodie: Can’t we talk about this later? I want to find our daughter.

Maggie: Fine. Now while you were drooling over the farmhand like a dog in heat, the farmer told me that Carol is now traveling with The Rocky Horror Picture Show Fan Club. I called a former client who hired me to track down the show and he told me that they were in St. Louis.

Jodie: great. Let’s get some sleep and take off tomorrow.

Maggie: Perfect.

[They go to there room]

Jodie: Maggie, I’m sorry.

Maggie: I forgive you. Besides, you’re too cute to stay mad at.

[Jodie smiles and Maggie hugs him]

Scotty’s room:

[Scotty is reading A Tale of Two Cities to Mary]

Mary: That’s enough for tonight.

Scotty: But Ma, college students are expected to read a whole book in one night.

Mary: But you are in the first grade. [Kisses Scotty’s forehead] night.

Scotty: But I want to know what happens in the end.

Mary: You’ve read the book three times [turns the light off] goodnight, Scotty.

Scotty: Night ma [falls asleep as the books fly around the room. Burt enters and sees what is going on and freaks out]

Living Room:

[Burt runs down the stairs and starts speaking gibberish to Mary]

Mary: Burt, what’s wrong?

[Burt gibbers]

Mary: I can’t understand a word you are saying.

Burt: Scotty…books.

Mary: I told that kid to go to sleep [starts to go upstairs, but Burt stops her]

Burt: No! [Flaps his arms]

Mary: Burt, what are you trying to do? Fly? Swim?

Burt: No! [Spins around flapping his arms]

Mary: Darling, calm down and slowly, tell me what is happening.

Burt: I went to say goodnight to Scotty, but I stopped because I saw these books flying around.

Mary: I knew it! You thought that I was crazy, drunk out of my mind when I told you about Scotty making things fly around the room. I knew I was right! It hasn’t happened in awhile so I thought that his powers were gone from being on earth for a long time.

Burt: Powers?

Mary: Yes.

Burt: Mare! What are we going to do!?!

Mary: Burt, I probably should have told you the truth years ago. You might want to sit down.

[Burt sits down]

Burt: What about Mare?

Mary: Burt, I love you so much, but there is something about Scotty I never told you about because I was afraid of how you would react. You are not Scotty’s real father.

Burt: Mary! How could you?

Mary: Burt! Scotty’s real father is the short silver guy who came down to Earth dressed like you! It was not like I was unfaithful!

Burt: I was afraid of that.

Mary: You knew?

Burt: Yes. Deep down I knew because well, the last time you probably had sex before you were pregnant was with that alien Burt. Believe me, I did the math. I didn’t say a thing because I wanted to believe that it was my child and I did not want to freak you out.

[Mary hits Burt]

Burt: Hey! What’s the big deal?

Mary: I was afraid of losing you if the baby came out silver and you knew! God! Why didn’t you say anything?

Burt: Because I thought that I was dying at the time and I didn’t do the math until after I realized that I was not going to die and then I realized that Alien Burt was the father.

Mary: What about Scotty making objects fly around the room?

Burt: I denied it because I did not want to believe it.

Mary: Oh Burt!

Burt: Well, you were drinking heavily at the time.

Mary: Even Bob vouched for me!

Burt: Bob’s a dummy.

Mary: That’s right.

Burt: Mare, no matter what Scotty is, I’ll love him as if he is my really son.

Mary: Scotty is your child. He looks like you. Who taught him how to throw a baseball?

Burt: I did.

Mary: And who took him to all of those baseball games and basketball games?

Burt: I did.

Mary: And who is going to give him the talk when the time comes?

Burt: I will.

Mary: So who is Scotty’s real father?

Burt: I am. You know what, you’re right.

Mary: I know I am.

Burt: Because you are smart. Give me a kiss, toots [kisses Mary]

St. Louis Theatre:

[Maggie and Jodie are stuck in the middle of a Rocky Horror Picture Show showing. Jodie is dressed as Rift Raft and Maggie is dressed as Columbia. They look for their informant]

Jodie: Which Frank ‘n Fruiter is he?

Maggie: She is actually the only one with boobs.

[Maggie and Jodie look around and then they finally find their informant]

Frank ‘n Fruiter: How de do?

Maggie: Jill?

Jill: Yep. I got the info on you-know-who. She is in the front with Wendy. Wendy is the only kid who comes to these things.

Jodie: Where in the front?

Jill: In the center. Carol is wearing a wedding dress. She came as Betty Monroe-Halpshaft-the queer.

Jodie: I thought that she was straight [laughs]

Maggie: Come on Jodie [goes to the front and finds Carol with Wendy]

Wendy: Mom! Dad!

[Carol holds Wendy]

Carol: Wendy is my child! You have no right to take her away from me!

Wendy: Mommy!

Carol: Quiet Wendy! [To Jodie] get away from us you fruit!

Jodie: Maggie is legally her mother now.

Carol: But Wendy is my daughter!

Wendy: Lady! You are not my mother! [Steps on Carol’s foot and runs over to Jodie and Maggie]

Carol: Wendy! Come back!

Wendy: No! You move from man to man! I hate living in Idaho, Ohio, Albuquerque, and St. Louis! I want to live with my real mommy and daddy again!

Maggie: Come on, baby. We are going home now.

Jodie: Carol, if you want to stay out of prison, then I suggest that you stay away from our child.

[Jodie, Maggie, and Wendy leave]

Hotel in Albuquerque:

[Maggie, Burt, and Jodie enter the hotel lobby disappointed]

Maggie: we better get plenty of sleep tonight because Zippo said that they were in Ohio with the potato farmer.

Jodie: I’ll call ma to see if Wendy if called home [leaves Burt and Maggie]

Burt: Tell her I said hi.

Maggie: Burt, Do you have any idea where Sago Ohio is?

Burt: What I do not understand is, why would a potato farmer live in Ohio? Don’t they usually live in Idaho? I’ve heard of Idaho potatoes, but never Ohio potatoes.

Maggie: I know. Anyways, where is Sago?

Burt: Are you sure he said Ohio and not Idaho?

Maggie: Yes, I am sure Burt.

[Jodie enters the lobby depressed]

Jodie: I just got off the phone with Bob. Ma’s been in an accident.

Burt: What?

Maggie: Oh Jodie [hugs Jodie]

Jodie: Bob said that she is brain dead and Aunt Jessie had to have her committed.

Burt: What are we going to do? First Jessica, then Wendy, and now Mary.

Maggie: What do we do?

Jodie: I do not know Maggie.

Burt: You guys continue the search for Wendy. I’ll go home tonight. I need to be with my wife.

[Burt leaves]

Jodie: I want to be with her, but I can’t. [Breaks down into tears] I can’t. I got to find Wendy.

Maggie: [comforts Jodie] I know. [Sighs] We’ll go home as soon as we get down in Ohio.

Hospital:

[Jessica is signing the papers for Mary to be committed. Chester walks in and goes over to comfort her]

Chester: Jess, are you going to be okay?

Jessica: I don’t know, Chester. I do not know.

Chester: Oh Jess [hugs her]

[Jessica weeps in his arms and then something comes over her and she passionately kisses Chester]

Tate House:

[Timmy and Scotty are in Timmy’s room playing]

Scotty: I wonder what Ma is doing now? She probably does not know that I am gone. Serves her right.

Timmy: I wonder how she will react when she finds out.

Scotty: I don’t care.

Timmy: Scotty, she’s your mother, you should care.

[Outside the room]

Jessica: I do not know what to do, Corrine.

Corrine: Ma, you are just going to have to tell him the truth.

Jessica: I cannot do that. I mean, Mary is good with that sort of thing because she had the gift of gab, but then again, since Mary is in the hospital, you should tell him.

Corrine: Ma!

[Benson enters]

Benson: Have either one of you told the kid yet?

Jessica: No. We are fighting about it right now, Benson.

Benson: Do you want me to tell him?

Jessica: If you don’t mind.

[Benson, Corrine, and Jessica go into the room]

Jessica: Timmy, how about you and I go get some coco?

Timmy: Okay [goes downstairs with Jessica]

Scotty: What about me?

Corrine: Scotty, Benson and I have something to tell you [looks to Benson] Benson?

Benson: Corrine?

Corrine: I thought that you were going to tell him.

Benson: I thought that you were going to help.

Scotty: What’s going on?

Benson: Scotty, your mom has been in an accident.

Scotty: What? Is she okay?

[Corrine shakes her head]

Scotty: Is she dead?

Benson: Not exactly. A car plowed into your house and knocked your mother out.

Scotty: It’s my fault. I should have eaten the broccoli. I should have never run away.

Benson: It’s not your fault.

Scotty: [Sobs] yes it is!

[Corrine hugs Scotty]

Dallas House:

[Annie is sleeping and Danny looks her sweetly. He goes over and kisses her. Annie wakes up]

Annie: What was that for?

Danny: because you are having my baby.

Annie: oh Danny. You know the right things to say to a girl.

Danny: It’s because I love you.

Annie: Oh Danny.

Danny: Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder; it’s in your face.

Annie: Oh Danny!

[Phones rings and Danny answers it]

Danny: Hello? [Pause] hey Burt! Did you find her? [Pause] What? No, nobody told me [Pause] are you sure? [Pause] I’ll see you when you get home then. Bye Burt [hangs up]

Annie: What is it honey?

Danny: I cannot believe it.

Annie: Danny, please tell me.

Danny: Ma’s been in an accident.

[Annie looks shocked]

Hospital:

[Burt is waiting nervously in the waiting room to visit Mary. Dr. Cracker goes up to him]

Cracker: hello, you must be Burt Campbell. I am Dr. Cracker, your wife’s therapist.

Burt: Dr. Cracker? What kind of name is that for a physician?

Cracker: It’s unusual, I know. I have been called Crackers, Quackers, Quakers, and many other cruel names as a child [chuckles] Now, here are a few things I should tell you before I wheel your wife out here. 1. Do not tell her that you are her husband. Something emotional like this could destroy her rehabilitation. 2. Do not tell her about the child you two had together.

Burt: I cannot even bring my own son to visit his mother? We thought his aunt died and then she came back to life and then my granddaughter gets kidnapped and now this?

Cracker: Her other sons and your sons cannot visit her as well. We want her to fully recover, don’t we?

Burt: Yes, we want her to recover.

Cracker: Good. I’ll go get your wife, Mr. Campbell [leaves the room. Sybil comes into the room and goes over to Burt]

Sybil: Hi!

Burt: [nervously] Uh, hi.

Sybil: They never let you go, no. They never let you out. They say they will, but they don’t.

Burt: Okay.

Sybil: Your wife is a vegetable. They never will let her out, no.

Burt: Lady, my wife will be fine. She is only here temporary.

[Dr. Crackers and Orderly wheels Mary into the room and Sybil scurries away]

Crackers: Mary, this is Burt. Burt is here to visit you. Burt, you can only visit her for a minute. I’ll be back in exactly 40 seconds.

Burt: 40 Seconds?

Crackers: Mary has to be in treatment at exactly 2:00 and right now it is 1:59:20. See you in forty seconds.

Burt: Hello Mary.

Mary: hi, who are you?

Burt: Burt, you know me. I’m your h-friend.

Mary: I am glad that you visited me. You seem nice.

Burt: Thanks.

[Crackers enters the room]

Crackers: That’s time, Mr. Campbell. [Wheels Mary away] See you later.

Burt: I’ll be back tomorrow Mary.

Treatment Room:

[Mary is strapped down to a table and Ingrid enters the room]

Ingrid: is the Chip implanted in her mind, doctor?

Crackers: Yes Miss Svenson. I had my colleague Astro Zimpboni implanted it in her mind at the hospital.

Ingrid: After you have her kill Yessica, you can do vhatever you vant with her.

Crackers: So I could actually have my own body to perform experiments on?

Ingrid: Ja!

Crackers: Oh boy! [Puts the glasses on Mary and they have images of Jessica Tate on the specs] Now Mary, who do you see?

Mary: Jessica Tate.

Crackers: What do you want to do to her?

Mary: Kill her.

Crackers: Good.

Dallas House:

[Danny comes in and Annie runs up to him]

Annie: Danny, how is she?

Danny: Ma had some brain damage. The doctors said that only Burt could visit her.

Annie: Oh Danny! [Hugs him] I am so sorry!

Danny: It’s okay Annie. As long as mom is getting some help.

Annie: [pulls away from Danny] I do not like the idea of her being in that hospital. What kind of hospital does not allow visitors?

Danny: You’re right. I am going to call Burt.

[Calls Burt]

Tate House:

[Jessica is sitting on the couch, having a few good laughs from reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

Jessica: Ompahloompahs [chuckles]

[Mary, still in a trance rings the doorbell and Jessica answers it]

Jessica: Mary! You’re all better! Come in!

Mary: Yes, I am all-better!

Jessica: Mary, let me make some tea for us [grabs Mary’s hand and they go into the kitchen]

Kitchen:

[Jessica starts boiling the water]

Jessica: Oh Mary, it’s so good to see you again. [While Jessica is talking to Mary, Mary is hunting around the kitchen for appliances] When Burt told me that I could not visit you because it might do some damage to your recovery, I was beside myself. [Turns around and sees Mary looking for something] lost something?

Mary: No! Sugar!

Jessica: In the pantry.

[Mary looks in the pantry and gets the sugar out. Then she gets the cutting board and thinks about whacking Jessica over the head with it, but changes her mind]

Crackers v/o: I put a gun in your purse, Mary.

[Mary gets the gun out of her purse and aims it at the back of head]

Jessica: Mary? Did you want something else?

Mary: [cocks the gun] yes, your life.

Announcer: Will Mary shoot Jessica? Stay tuned…

Tate Kitchen:

[Mary is holding the gun up to Jessica’s head]

Jessica: Why are you doing this Mary? I’m your sister. Even though we did share a man once does not mean that you have to go through with this.

Mary: You are evil. Any last words?

[Benson enters the room]

Benson: Mrs. Campbell!

[Mary lowers her gun down]

Mary: I’m married?

Benson: Yes, now give me the gun.

Mary: No! I have to kill Jessica Tate because she is evil.

Benson: She is not evil. Now give me the gun!

Mary: No!

[Jessica notices something on the back of Mary’s neck]

Jessica: Mary, did you cut your neck?

Mary: [Looks at Jessica] No, I- [Benson grabs the gun from Mary].

Benson: Aha! Now sit down Mrs. Campbell.

[Mary sits down]

[Burt enters the kitchen]

Burt: Jess, I have a-[sees Mary] Mary? What are you doing here?

Mary: Killing Jessica Tate.

Burt: That’s not part of the treatment, is it?

Benson: You have some nerve! Who told you that Mrs. Tate is evil?

Mary: I won’t tell you.

Benson: Really? Who has the gun?

Mary: [sighs] Dr. Crackers.

Burt: The psychiatrist? I knew that guy was a quack!

Mary: Yes.

[Benson sees the chip on Mary’s neck]

Benson: what’s with this? [Pulls it off Mary and Mary is back to normal]

Mary: Benson? How did I get here?

Jessica: Mary! [Hugs Mary] Oh Mary! You were in a trance or something and you tried to kill me. Oh, that does not matter now!

Mary: What happened?

Benson: they planted this chip on your body [throws the chip on the table]

Mary: Oh my God!

Burt: Mary!

Mary: Burt, why did you commit me to that place?

Burt: what are you talking about?

Jessica: I was the one who committed you since Burt was with Jodie and Maggie looking for Wendy.

Benson: That quack implanted a chip in her body. That chip made her programmed to kill Mrs. Tate.

Burt: I am going to get him, Mare. For tonight, I want you to stay here.

[Mary sees a notebook sticking out of her purse. Remember, the quack who implanted the chip in her body is insane]

Mary: Burt [takes the notebook out of her purse and gives it to Burt] this might help, because I never carry a notebook in my purse.

[Burt opens it and reads it]

Burt: “Everything is going to plan, Mutter. Mary Campbell is going to kill Jessica Tate tonight. Then I will have my own body to do experiments on…Joe Crackers.” Here is proof.

Mary: Are you going to arrest him?

Burt: Yep. Let me call Danny Goodnight, Mare. [Kisses Mary] Try to get some sleep.

Jessica: Come on, Mary. I’ll set up a place for you in the guest room [Takes Mary upstairs]

[Benson stands and thinks about the events that went on in the last few days]

Benson: Damn! [Goes to his room]

Chester: Benson, what do I do with the coffee beans?

Benson: [ghetto accent] wez in da ghetto stick it under the nose and tell ‘em to sniff it as if it were crack.

Chester: Thank you Benson [sticks it under Jessica’s nose and she is revived]

Jessica: Chester?

Chester: Jessica! [Hugs her] You’re alive!

Jessica: Well of course I am! If I weren’t, I would not be talking to you [chuckles]

Corrine: Oh Ma! [Hugs Jessica]

Jessica: what happened?

Billy: We thought that you were dead mom. Ingrid must have planted a body in the house while we were all sleeping one night and the next morning, we found it dead. Then Aunt Mary had a hunch that you were still alive and then we had a clue that it was Ingrid Svenson.

Jessica: I remember leaving a shoe behind or not having a shoe for a while. Well, that explains it.

Corrine: You left it behind as a clue and Mary found it one day in the driveway. That’s how we knew that you were still alive.

Billy: Corrine went over to Ingrid’s house and took her out for lunch while Uncle Burt, Dutch, Jodie, Danny, Chuck, and Bob rescued you.

Chester: And while you were at Ingrid’s, she drugged you almost everyday Jess.

Jessica: I was drugged?

Chester: yes, but you were not poisoned to death. She just did some brain damage to you that is all.

Jessica: I cannot believe that I had brain damage! I am grateful that you all found me [holds Corrine and Billy’s hands] I cannot believe that I went through all this and did not remember you all. I am glad that I am okay and you all pulled through for me. Now if you excuse me, I better get some sleep [pulls up the covers and goes to sleep. Remember, she is in Billy’s room]

Billy: Ma!

Campbell House:

[Mary and Scotty are eating dinner]

Scotty: Why do I have to eat this garbage?

Mary: Because broccoli is good for you.

Scotty: I hate broccoli! [Pushes the broccoli back]

Mary: Little boys who do not eat their broccoli do not get dessert.

Scotty: I do not want to eat it! I ate the liver, I ate the corn and the bread, so why do I have to eat the broccoli?

Mary: Because it is good for. You want to be strong like daddy, don’t you?

Scotty: Yeah, but I don’t want to eat broccoli.

Mary: [Sternly] Scotty, eat your broccoli!

Scotty: No! [Gets up from the table and runs to his room. Mary runs after him]

Mary: Scotty!

Scotty’s room:

[Scotty is sitting on his bed throwing a baseball against the wall. Mary knocks on the door and comes in]

Mary: Scotty!

[Scotty throws the baseball towards Mary, but misses]

Mary: Thank your lucky stars that you missed. Scotty, you can’t ignore me all night, now what is with you these last few days? You used to be the sweetest boy I know, now what is your problem?

Scotty: You treat me like a baby!

Mary: I’ll quit treating you like one when you stop acting like one.

Scotty: I have a better vocabulary than Danny and yet, you still treat him with more respect than you treat me!

Mary: Danny is an adult! He is more grown up than you are!

Scotty: Well, he’s a clutz! Jodie’s a fruit and Chuck is crazy!

Mary: You can stay in your room until you learn to treat us with respect young man! [Slams the door]

Scotty: That’s it! I’m fed up! [Gets his suitcase out of the closet] I’m running away [packs a bag]

Tate House:

[Corrine is looking at a Modern Bride Magazine, Timmy is playing checkers with Billy, and Jessica is reading Valley of the Dolls]

Jessica: This book is false advertising.

Corrine: How’s that, ma?

Jessica: It’s called Valley of the Dolls and there is nothing in it about baby dolls.

Corrine: The dolls that she is talking about are the pills.

Jessica: I see. Maybe I should read chapter Jennifer for more details.

[The doorbell rings and Jessica gets up to answer it. It is Scotty]

Scotty: Hiya.

Jessica: Hey Scotty. Is your mom with you?

Scotty: No, I ran away.

[Billy leans over to Corrine]

Billy: And they call him the genius.

Corrine: Billy! Better to run away to here than to someplace that he doesn’t know.

Jessica: Won’t your mom be worried?

Scotty: No, she has Wendy now. She doesn’t need me.

Corrine: Your mother must be frantic. I should probably call her.

Scotty: No Corrine! She’ll just come here, yell at me, then take me home and lock me in my room!

Timmy: Mom, is Scotty going to live here now?

Corrine: No, Timmy. Scotty is going to go home.

Jessica: Don’t be hasty, Corrine. Let the kid speak.

Timmy: oh! But can he play with me?

Corrine: Sure.

Scotty: Boy I’m hungry. Can I eat something first? Mother locked me in my room and she is trying to starve me to death.

Jessica: That doesn’t sound like Mary.

Scotty: Because she’s under Wendy’s evil spell.

Timmy: That could happen because mom once told me that I was possessed by Satan when I was a baby. They had an exercise.

Corrine: Honey, that’s exorcism.

Timmy: Oh.

Jessica: Billy, why don’t you take the boys into the kitchen for some cookies?

Billy: Okay, this is a hint. I can take it. Even though I am over twenty I still get left in the dark, but now I have company [takes Timmy and Scotty into the Kitchen]

Corrine: You should call Aunt Mary, ma.

Jessica: But Scotty said that Mary locked him in his room and tried to starve him.

Corrine: Kids over exaggerate ma.

[Phone rings and Jessica answers it]

Jessica: Hello?

Mary: Jessica, it’s Mary. Scotty is not in his room! I don’t know where he is!

Jessica: Of course not, he’s here. He ran away to my house.

Mary: Thank God! I’ll be there soon to kill him!

Jessica: Mary!

Mary: I’ll be right over!

[Mary walks out of the house and she is hit by Ingrid’s car]

Ingrid: I crippled Mary Campbell. Nov I must continue to destroy both families. I vill get back at those sisters for taking my Corrine avay from me. [Flees the scene]

Tate Kitchen:

[Jessica, Corrine, and Dutch are going over the wedding plans]

Corrine: I like the light yellow.

Dutch: I don’t.

Corrine: Why not?

Dutch: It don’t look good on me.

Jessica: What about peach?

Corrine: That is so Seventies. How about the rose color?

Dutch: Nah!

Corrine: What’s wrong with that?

Dutch: That color makes me look fat.

Jessica: How about puce?

Corrine: I hate that color! It makes me think of that last time I ate Eunice’s cooking.

Jessica: Okay then how about the sky blue?

Dutch: I like that color. It brings out my eyes.

Jessica: That’s a good color for you Corrine.

[Chester enters the kitchen]

Chester: Jessica! Where is Mary? I thought that she was going to be here hours ago.

Jessica: I don’t know. Do you?

Chester: That’s why I asked you, Jessica. It is almost nine o’clock and Scotty is still here. I thought that she was going to be here about three hours ago.

Jessica: traffic.

Corrine: Gee, it’s nine already. Maybe I should call Mary and see if she’s all right [calls the Campbell’s house]

Jessica: I wonder if she forgot.

Corrine: Nobody is answering [hangs up]

Chester: Maybe she is drinking again.

Jessica: No Chester, she dried up!

Chester: Somebody should go over there and see what is wrong with her. Benson, go over there.

Benson: I ain’t going. I got cookies in the oven.

Chester: Fine. Dutch?

Dutch: Only if you go with me big guy.

Chester: Dutch, you are a murderer for Christ sakes!

Dutch: Not anymore!

Albuquerque:

[Burt, Maggie, and Jodie are still on the search for Wendy]

Jodie: I figured that she would be around here. I called Mrs. David last night and she said that Carol and Wendy were in Albuquerque. I figure it was to be near Mrs. David.

Maggie: I also had sources say that she hooked up with the fire-eater again.

Burt: Carnies? The woman dates carnies? Jodie, how did she almost get custody?

Jodie: I don’t know. I guess it’s because she wasn’t gay.

Burt: Figures.

Maggie: Okay, now we have to go to this address and then we will hopefully have Carol and Wendy.

Burt: Let’s go.

[They head off to Carol’s house]

Announcer: Will Jodie, Maggie, and Burt find Wendy? Will the Tates get to Mary before she dies? Will Corrine and Dutch get married? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of SOAP.

Campbell House:

[Mary is still motionless. Billy and Chester find her lying lifeless on the ground]

Billy: Dad! The front part of her house is gone!

Chester: Who did this?

Billy and Chester: Ingrid Svenson!

Chester: I’ll go call an ambulance and you stay there and make sure that she breaths.

[Ingrid peeks from behind some shrubbery]

Ingrid: this is yust only the beginning! I shall have my revenge on those sisters for taking my Corrine avay from me.

Hospital:

[Chester, Jessica, Corrine, and Billy are sitting and waiting for results. Doctor Zimpboni enters and goes over to Jessica]

Dr. Zimpboni: Mrs. Tate, your sister Mary is brain dead. You will have to commit her in order for her to get well.

Jessica: brain dead? Chester, does he mean like I was when I was in Ingrid’s dungeon?

Chester: Yes, but we think she is more serious.

Dr. Zimpboni: Please Mrs. Tate. It’s for the best.

Jessica: I have to get a hold of Burt.

Billy: I’ll do it for you, ma [leaves and goes to a payphone]

Corrine: Ma, are you going to be okay?

Jessica: I do not know. My sister is brain dead.

[Dutch, Burt, and Danny feel around the apartment until they come across a trap door]

Dutch: Look what I found! [Lifts it up]

Burt: Nice work Dutch, let’s go!

[They go down the trap door]

Dungeon:

[Jessica is sleeping. Dutch tries to revive her]

Dutch: Jessica! Jessica! Wake up!

Burt: Is she breathing?

Dutch: Yeah, she is!

Burt: Just pick her up and let’s go!

[Dutch, Burt, and Danny leave, but are stopped by Clyde]

Clyde: I am very impressed. So is Mutter.

Steve: You idiot!

Burt: So Ingrid is Mutter? I was wondering who the diamond thief is!

Steve: You, put her down and put your hands in the air!

[Dutch puts Jessica down and sticks his hands up in the air]

[Jodie sneaks into the room with Chuck and Bob]

Steve: Now you are all screwed! Wait until Mutter gets home.

[Jodie attacks Steve and Chuck and Bob attack Clyde]

Jodie: Get ‘em Burt!

[Burt and Danny grab their guns]

Burt: You goons are under arrest!

Hospital:

[The Tates and the Campbells are waiting in the waiting room for results]

Chester: what is taking so long?

Bob: Jessica! Jessica! Jessica!

Chuck: Relax Bob, she’ll be all right.

Mary: Burt, do you think that she will be all right?

Burt: Yes Mary.

[Billy paces around the room with Dutch]

Corrine: will you guys stop pacing? You are giving me a headache.

Billy: I can’t sit still.

Dutch: Me neither!

Benson: Want me to help?

[Dutch and Billy sit down]

[Doctor Barnes enters the room]

Doctor: Mary, I have been examining Jessica.

Mary: Doctor, is she fine? Will she be okay?

Doctor: Jessica is fine, Mary.

Mary: Thank God!

Doctor: But she is not waking up. We ran some tests on her and apparently, she had been brainwashed. Erastatic is what it is called.

Burt: I heard of that at one time.

Chester: When can we take her home?

Doctor: As soon as we think she is better.

Hospital Room:

[Jessica is lying lifelessly on the bed. Chester, Mary, and Benson sit in the room, waiting for her to wake up]

Mary: Poor Jess.

Chester: Come on Jessica wake up.

Benson: What did she give her?

Mary: Poison.

Benson: What kind of poison does not kill?

[Jessica wakes up]

Mary: Jess! [Hugs her and Jessica pushes her away]

Jessica: Who are you?

Mary: What do you mean? I am your sister, Mary. [Points to Chester] That’s Chester, your-.

Chester: [Interrupts] Your husband.

Mary: [Gives Chester a sharp look] Ex-husband.

Jessica: An e-husband and a sister? How did that happen? I never had anything or anybody before.

Benson: I’ll go tell the doctors that you are awake, Missus Tate. [Leaves the room]

[Mary holds Jessica’s hand]

Mary: Jess, no matter what, we are going to get you through this.

Jessica: Are you my lesbian lover?

[Mary takes her hand away from Jessica]

Tate House:

[Billy, Corrine, and Dutch are helping Benson make the place look nice for when Jessica comes home. Timmy comes downstairs]

Timmy: Ma, is grandma really coming home?

Corrine: Yes.

Timmy: I thought she was dead.

Corrine: We thought so too, but…[looks at Timmy and decides not to tell him] never mind. You’re too young.

[Mary and Chester enter with Jessica]

Corrine: Hi ma! Welcome home!

Jessica: I am confused? Ma? What kind of name is ma?

Corrine: Ma, you’re my mother and Billy’s mother.

Billy: Hi Ma [hugs Jessica and she pushes him away from her]

Jessica: Who are you?

Billy: Billy, your son.

Jessica: Oh, right.

Chester: I’m your husband.

Corrine: Ex-husband.

Jessica: [points to Corrine] You are my daughter [points to Benson] and you are my son? Is my husband black?

Benson: I ain’t your son.

Jessica: Oh, okay. I’m tired. Where is my room?

Chester: Upstairs, I’ll take you-.

[Mary intervenes]

Mary: No, I will take you upstairs [goes upstairs with Jessica]

Corrine: Daddy, what’s wrong with ma?

[Chester sees Timmy]

Chester: Timmy, why don’t you go play or something?

Timmy: I want to know what’s going on! I am seven years old and I want to know what’s happening.

Dutch: So what is it, big guy?

Chester: [Sighs] Ingrid Svenson poisoned your mother’s brain. She lost a few brain cells and we have to wait patiently for them to rebuild.

Corrine: No!

Dutch: [Cries] What are we going to do?

Chester: Help her out.

Corrine: All right daddy.

Timmy: Can I help too?

Chester: Of course sport [hugs Timmy]

Benson: Timmy, you wanna help me make grandma some cookies?

Timmy: Okay [Benson and Timmy go into the kitchen]

Dutch: Now that we are alone Chester, I was wondering if it would be okay if I ask you something.

Chester: what?

Dutch: I was wondering if I could marry Corrine. I’ll make her the happiest girl in the world big guy, I promise.

Chester: [Takes his belt off and starts to strangle Dutch] I’ll kill you!

Billy: Dad stop!

Corrine: daddy!

[Billy and Corrine pull Chester off Dutch]

Chester: Sorry, I just lost my head momentarily.

Corrine: Daddy, what do you think?

Chester: I guess I can give you my blessings. I gave it to Eunice so I have to give it to you.

Dutch: Thanks big guy [picks Chester up and hugs him]

Tate Kitchen:

[Jessica blankly goes into the kitchen and fiddles around with the appliances. Benson comes in and makes her put them down]

Benson: Missus Tate, please sit down.

Jessica: I am Missus Tate, right?

Benson: Yes, you are.

Jessica: And you are?

Benson: Moto, Japanese House Boy.

Jessica: Really? You don’t look Japanese.

Benson: Benson, the butler.

Jessica: Oh, good. Now I am confused; am I Benson or Moto?

Benson: Jessica or as I call you, Missus Tate.

Jessica: How do you do Missus Tate/

Benson: Sit down, Missus Tate.

Jessica: Oh, I’m Jessica [sits down] can I confide something in you?

Benson: Yes.

Jessica: I don’t know how to feel, Benson. I mean I lived in that room for so many years and now all of the sudden, I am here, in a nice place with nice people. All I did in that room was sleep and drink. That was the life I knew Benson. Now I am in here with you trying to figure out a life I probably did not have to begin with.

Benson: Mary, Corrine, Dutch, Chester, and I are helping you.

Jessica: What if Jessica’s life never makes sense to me? I wake up the next day and I do not remember a thing. I don’t even remember you. I do not think that it will ever come back.

Benson: It will.

Campbell Room:

[Mary is asleep and Burt enters the room. He takes his clothes off and crawls into bed]

Mary: Burt, did you find her?

Burt: No.

Mary: Burt, you have just got to find her. I want to make that Swedish meatball suffer for what she did to Jessica.

Burt: I am doing all I can.

Mary: Why didn’t you arrest her when you were over there that night?

Burt: We went there on a hunch, Mare. Now I have a warrant for her arrest and now I am on the search.

Mary: We have got to arrest her.

Burt: I will try to Mare.

Mary: I know you will.

Burt: Get some sleep.

Mary: Okay.

Wendy’s room:

[Wendy is sitting in her room playing until Jodie goes upstairs and gets her ready for bed]

Jodie: Hey, it looks like tomorrow is going to be a big day since we have that field trip to the zoo.

Wendy: I know. I can’t wait!

Jodie: Now it’s time for you to go to sleep. You have school tomorrow.

Jodie: Goodnight princess. I’ll have mother come in as soon as she gets home, okay?

Wendy: Okay.

[Wendy curls up in her bed and a person dressed in black crawls into her window and kidnaps her]

Campbell House:

[Jodie and Maggie are beating on the door. Burt walks wearily down the stairs]

Burt: It’s two in the morning. What is going on? [Opens the door] Jodie, Maggie, hey. It’s two in the morning.

Jodie: Wendy has been kidnapped.

Burt: again?

Jodie: Carol snuck in after I went to bed and took Wendy.

Burt: Carol does not have any legal rights to Wendy since Maggie adopted her.

[Phone rings and Burt answers it]

Burt: Hello?

Mrs. David: Hi, remember me?

Burt: Mrs. David?

Mrs. David: Yes!

Burt: Do you know something about Wendy’s kidnapping?

Mrs. David: I have a hunch that Carol came up there to get her. Oh! I’m too late! I wanted to call you at a decent time because of the time zones. Is it late over there?

Burt: No, not for a thing like this.

Mrs. David: Good. I’m sorry that I was too late. I hope you find her soon or I hope she brings Wendy to Texas.

Burt: Thanks Mrs. David. Goodnight.

Mrs. David: Good morning.

Burt: What?

Mrs. David: it’s morning here.

Burt: Bye [hangs up] Jodie, Mrs. David had a hunch Carol was going to come up here for Wendy.

Maggie: Jodie, we have got to get her back. I am going to hunt all over the world for her.

Burt: I’ll come with you.

Jodie: Me too!

Alex: Too!

Maggie: Oh boy.

Jodie: What is it Maggie?

Maggie: Alex.

Jodie: Oh.

Burt: Mary can take care of him.

Maggie; Burt, doesn’t Mary drink when it gets rough?

Burt: Not lately [goes up to their room]

[Mary is asleep and Burt wakes her up]

Mary: Burt?

Burt: Mare, Maggie and Jodie and I have to go look for Wendy. We need you to look after Alex for me, okay?

Mary: Okay.

Tate Master room:

[Jessica is sleeping and Chester sneaks in and lies down next to her. Jessica wakes up and pushes him out of the bed]

Jessica: Help! Help! There is a strange man in my bed!

[Benson runs upstairs and sees that it is only Chester]

Benson: Looks like you are feeling better, Missus Tate.

Jessica: Who is this man?

Benson: Your ex-husband Chester.

Jessica: Why did I ever marry him?

Benson: Beats the hell out of me.

Chester: You have quite a punch there, Jess.

Jessica: I am not going to sleep in this room with a strange man [goes to Billy’s room]

Billy’s room:
[Billy is getting out of bed and he is going to the bathroom. Jessica enters his room and gets into his bed and pulls the blankets over her head. Billy enters the room and pulls the covers back and sees Jessica]

Billy: Ma!

Jessica: Another strange man!

Billy: Ma, I’m your son Billy.

Jessica: That’s right. That lady told me I do have a son.

Billy: Aunt Mary?

Jessica: Yes, what’s her face. I am a good mother, right?

Billy: Yeah, why?

Jessica: Then why isn’t your room cleaned? I almost killed myself on your stuff as I came in [faints]

Billy: Ma!

Minutes later…

[Benson and Chester are in Billy’s room, trying to revive Jessica]

Benson: I’ll get some coffee beans.

Chester: This isn’t the time for ghetto recipes Benson! We need something that will actually work!

[Corrine enters the room with a cup of water]

Corrine: Here you go, daddy.

Chester: Thanks princess [pours it onto Jessica’s forehead and still no response] what are you standing around for, Benson? Go get the coffee beans!

Benson: Get it yourself.

Chester: Fine [goes downstairs]

Corrine: Benson, mom will be fine, right?

Announcer: Will Jessica be all right? Will Benson's ghetto method work? Stay tuned for the next episode of SOAP!

*Note: one can really clear up the sinuses with coffee beans. Just ask those ladies at the mall who squirt perfume at you!