...but not much jolly.

My entire life I've suffered from chronic depression but, for some reason, every year around this time it worsens. It's not the weather, because I've lived in all sorts of different climates from July in the low 40s through December in the warm 80s (reverse of normal for North America), but every year it's the same. I think it's the holidays that do it to me. So much anticipation of happy times built on top of expectation and knowledge of certain disappointment. With a lifetime of experience I've become very good at hiding how I'm really feeling and wearing a happy face so as not to be a downer on the people I love. For myself I try to mask it by doing things that make me feel good, like giving gifts, excessive cooking, watching happy people out and around, but that's all it is, a mask, and mostly because I know it's just a mask hiding something very bleak.

Tonight over the past few hours I could physically feel the deepening depression settling on me. It's almost comforting in a distressing sort of way. I don't enjoy feeling dismal about everything, but it's familiar, something I've come to know and expect. It just wouldn't be Christmas without feeling this way.

But this year I've decided to try something different. Instead of trying to be light, cheerful and accommodating all the time I'm going to try to be honest about how I'm feeling because I think the people I care about deserve that honesty from me. I'll still keep doing the things I enjoy (I'm pretty narcissistic), but not with the purpose of making others worry less about me, but just trying to enjoy them. I've lived enough of my life worrying about how other people feel about me. I'm not going to be intentionally trying to force my feelings onto others, just not hiding them anymore. It may be a challenge to break my lifelong pattern, and I'm sure I'll slip into old habits from time to time, but now the thought is planted, maybe I can stick with it. I can be pretty stubborn about things once an idea gets into my head.

So, in the spirit of honesty, right now I'm feeling lost, hopeless and very... so very alone. I'm not fishing for sympathy, just throwing truth out there. If you feel obligated sympathy for me you can keep it to yourself. I don't mean that in an obnoxious way, but in learning to effectively hide my feelings I've become very perceptive about genuine vs. forced/prompted pathos. No that I've received that here, but still.

Gah, I sound like such an ass. I don't mean to. I really do appreciate kind words.

Huh, I think I have to find a good way to balance this honesty thing with my nice-guy nature. I hope I don't lose people over it.

I s'pose that's all. Time for milk, cookies and sleep.

The title of this blog is because today is what would have been my fifteenth wedding anniversary if I were still married. I'm feeling a bit nostalgic and want to recap my life since then, but I'm gonna go back 20 years to kinda set the context.

Mid Summer of 1989 I took some friends from one of my high schools to a pool/volleyball party with friends from a different high school I had attended. This was the first time these different groups had been in the same mix and some tight friendships grew out of it. One of my friends had brought another friend from another different school. I thought she was just about the prettiest girl I'd ever seen, but she seemed stuck up and aloof to me, not really getting involved in anything, just kinda disinterestedly hanging around the fringes until everyone went home. I didn't really meet her or learn her name 'til about half a year later.

Flash forward a few months and I had moved to Albuquerque to start school at UNM (University of New Mexico). While I was there I had some cool and fun friends who, unfortunately, were pretty heavy drug users. Throughout much of high school I smoked pot, ate shrooms, did acid, but being around people who did heavier things all the time kinda dragged me into heavier drug use than I was used to from high school. I'm not blaming them... I made my own choices... but it would have been better for me not to have been around it at all, especially since I was living on my own for the first time. Fortunately Albuquerque is close enough to Tucson to allow me to drive home every few months to visit family and hang out with friends so I was able to maintain my close friendships. On one of these visits back to Tucson I was with my friends when She showed up and was totally involved with the group, talking, telling stories, laughing etc. I learned her name was Jennifer, but she preferred Jen or Jenny. I ended up talking to her mostly alone for hours that night and thus started the closest, most emotionally intimate friendship I've ever had. It grew over the following months and years and is something I will always cherish.

My time in Albuquerque was less enjoyable, I saw some pretty bad things happen. The worst was when one of the guys I used to get high with - one of the funniest, most laid back people I've ever known who never seemed to have an aggressive bone in his body - lost his cool when he was high at a party once (just pot and beer that night) and started beating up his girlfriend over what would normally not even have been mildly upsetting. Not to make excuses for him, because there is no excuse, but he was high and his perspective and good judgement were impaired so his mild nature was gone. Fortunately it didn't take too many of us to step in and stop him, but not before he broke her nose. Saddest thing was, she blamed herself and wouldn't file a police report. That's one of the reasons I hate drugs now and am fearful for my friends who are around people do them. That incident started me really questioning the kind of life I was living and whether I wanted to be around those people anymore. So, after 2 and a half years in Albuquerque I moved back to Tucson when I fell into a deep depression and started getting scared of all the drugs I was doing and how much I was looking for my next high on heroin, crack, meth, coke... anything. I was afraid that, even though I was always so mellow, one day I might lose my cool and be that guy. Once back in Tucson I quit everything cold turkey, except for smoking and drinking, both of which I cut back on heavily (even though I had recently turned 21). Not to sound cliche, but over several months it was like a cloud was slowly lifting from my brain and I was actually able to start thinking clearly for the first time in years. Most of my friends in Tucson never knew what I had got up to in Albuquerque, but they all noticed and liked the change I was going through. So, for any of my Tucson friends reading this... yeah, that's what was up and I'm sorry, and thanks for all you did for me.

So back in Tucson, Jen and I became ever closer. Since she was the only girl in our close group of friends, most of the guys tried hitting on her from time to time. She was so different from all of us. We were all freaks and geeks, while she was always one who fit in so easily with the popular crowd. One of her favorite things to talk about with me was how much of a fool the other guys would make of themselves sometimes with their awkward advances. I had once fleetingly thought about her and myself as a couple, but that kind of talk put the brakes on it. I never really thought of her as a girl, she was just ... Jen. Always there for me, almost like family, but not.

On January 23rd, 1993 I attempted suicide for the first time. I won't go into details about it, but she was the only person who stuck with me and gave me what I needed out of a friendship while I was recovering, even though she was the friend who I hurt the most when I did that. My other friends were good to me too, but not quite in the same way. It took quite a while for things to get back to normal, but eventually they did and most of my friends became even closer, especially Matt, who friendnapped me for a month to go live with him and his house mates in Whittier where he was going to school. That was a great healing experience. I even had a short fling with one of the girls in the house. I still think about her from time to time and wonder what would have happened if we had ended up together more permanently. She was the ultimate geek girl and we were well suited for each other. When I got back to Tucson again Jen and I kind of became the anchor for our group and just about everything we all did together either involved or originated with us.

Things started to change between us over spring break in 1994. We had all talked about going to Las Vegas for spring break, but it turned out that only Jen and I could go. We had a great time. We took turns driving and whoever wasn't would read aloud to the other from a book we had both just started. Vegas itself was fun as always, we both won a couple of buckets of quarters playing video poker which helped pay for gas and food for the trip, but what really stands out in my memory was in our hotel. She always had a tense back so I used to give her back massages all the time... nothing sexual, even though she would sometimes take off her shirt and bra, it was just me helping her relax. I was always a perfect gentleman, never trying to catch a peek or cop a feel. She liked deep hard massages and my hands were particularly strong from rock climbing, so it worked out. So, anyway, one night in the hotel I was rubbing her back and we were chatting about inconsequential stuff. It turned out to last about 3 hours until my hands started cramping and I couldn't keep going. After I was done, she turned her head to look at me and said "God, Jay, that was better than sex." At this, alarm bells went off in my head and I realized she wasn't just Jen, but yeah, she was a woman and she had woman parts! I mean, of course I always knew, but I never really thought about her that way until then. For me it started a little sexual tension between us, nothing overt, but there.

The tension kept growing for me after we got back to Tucson and a couple of weeks (and a few more back rubs) later I couldn't hold back and I told her about it and that my love for her was changing to more of a romantic nature. She took it in stride, but wanted some time to think about it before she responded. The next three days were torturous for me. I was convinced she was starting to think of me the same way she thought of the other guys in our group with their clumsy attempts to bed her. Much to my elation though, she called me at work and told me she was feeling the same way I was. I honestly can't remember a thing that happened for the next week I was so wrapped up in thoughts of her. We went out for our first real date date a few days later and by the end of it we were already talking about getting married.

We tried to keep our relationship secret from our friends for a while until we were for sure, but it was kind of hard to hide the surreptitious hand holding, the adoring gazes or the puppy she bought for me (Emma). But we didn't have to hide it for long. On May 16th, 1994, shortly before her graduation from the U of A, we made our engagement official with a big diamond engagement ring and everything. She even gave me a diamond "engagement earring" which I never took off but I lost it down a shower drain years after we were married. That was the last earring I wore until very recently. Our friends weren't surprised that we were together, but they were pretty shocked that we were engaged so quickly.

The next 6 months were taken up with wedding plans and planning for our future together. It was pretty convenient that at the time I was working for a flower shop as their "computer guy". The family who owned the shop were great and they gave us all the wedding flowers and set up etc. as a wedding gift from the shop in addition to the individual gifts they all gave us. It was quite a nice gift, they went all out, and had their best people working on it. What they did for us would normally have cost close to $2000.

So all of the above was leading up to...

On Saturday, November 26th, 1994 Jen and I got married. My father, as a minister, performed the ceremony, which was nice for him because he didn't get to do it for either my brother or sister. Our friends, of course, were our attendants, but since Jen didn't have a lot of girlfriends most of her side were "bride's men" except for her sister. Her best friend other than me was her Man of Honor. It was so funny because he's a serious man's man and he hated the big flowery boutonniere he had to wear (in all honesty it looked more like a corsage ). My side was a few of our guy friends, and one of their girlfriends, to balance it out. The ceremony was nice and the reception was a lot of fun. We even has some crashers, one of whom caught the garter. It was at the nicest hotel in Tucson, the Westin La Paloma. That was great too, because we honeymooned at the Westin in Maui and the nice lady who coordinated the wedding for the hotel called and arranged for an awesome free upgrade for us, so instead of a golf course view we had a beautiful ocean view with a lovely balcony.

After the honeymoon we moved into her mom's house while she went to live with Jen's sister. That was really good for us starting out because we just had to take over the mortgage payment which was only $320 a month since they had bought the house in the 70s. That was about the same amount I paid for a studio apartment in Albuquerque after I moved out of the dorms. The next few years were great for us. When I got a real good job (thanks to the confidence Jen gave me) we moved into another house that we rented from July 1996 through December 1999. During this time we tried for months and months to get her pregnant, and we were on the verge of going to see a fertility specialist when she finally got pregnant on January 15th 1997. I remember the date exactly because 1) I had been traveling for work and was gone except for the weekends and 2) Jen had miscarried once so her doctor wanted to have an early sonogram to make sure things were okay and the sonogram tech was able to pinpoint the day of conception based upon how the baby was developing.

October 18th, 1997 was, and will always be, the best day of my life. That's the day my daughter was born. The doctor had wanted to induce labor that day because the baby was getting pretty big. Jen had originally planned on a natural birth, but decided to have the drug (I don't remember what it's called) once the contractions really started. The labor was relatively short, only 4 and half hours, and my daughter was 9 pounds 8 ounces at birth. She was the talk of the maternity ward, I overheard some of the nurses saying "Oh my goodness, did you hear about the big 9 1/2 pound baby who was born in only 4 hours?!" The hospital staff were very nice and let me stay overnight in the room, even though it's not normally allowed. I think it was because Jen's mom was (still is) an ER nurse at the same hospital. I didn't sleep at all, I just stared in awe at both my girls all night long.

Things were great with our new family for about a year until I started to fall into a depression again, made worse by the pressures of new parenthood and the pain of being away so much, traveling for work all the time. And here's the thing I am most ashamed of in all my life. Until now, I've told only one other person about this, only in the vaguest of terms, and that person was not Jen, but if she reads this and thinks back, she'll know exactly what I'm talking about. On January 4th, 1999 I attempted suicide again, for the last time. That was the beginning of the end of our marriage. After that I emotionally detached myself from life and started drinking heavily again, mostly due to guilt and shame. It didn't help that later that month, on the 31st, Matt, a friend who had helped my healing so much after my previous suicide attempt, killed himself with a bullet through his brain. I was angry at him for taking himself away, and, irrationally, I was angry at him for beating me to it. I was also irrationally angry at Jen for seemingly not knowing nor caring how depressed I was. In hindsight I can't really blame her. She was going through the pressures of working and new parenthood too, and I've been dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide since I was 8 years old and am exceedingly good at hiding it - how was she supposed to have known? Eventually I recovered from the worst of the depression I was in, but I remained emotionally detached.

Later that year, in September, we bought a house that was still under construction, to be finished in December. It was a crazy holiday season, going through the closing, inspections and all the other minutia of buying a new house. We were determined to be in the new house by Christmas. So with lots of help from friends and family, we finished moving in on Christmas eve, 1999, even though Jen was nearly dead on her feet from the flu. Christmas day I made the favorite meal I've ever cooked. Ham, Turkey and all the other holiday fixings that go with them for 12 people. It wasn't my favorite because of the food, which was old hat by then, but because I was cooking it in my brand new kitchen in my brand new house and it was quite an accomplishment after so quick a move.

Things in the new house kept us busy and interested for a long time, but for me it was all on the surface. I still hadn't gotten over the shame and I didn't want to open myself up from fear of discovery. We both kind of complacently went along with life for the next year or so, not really enjoying anything, just existing. In April 2002 we separated. I moved into an apartment and Jen stayed in the house. We equally shared custody of our daughter, half a week at a time. We briefly tried getting back together in June, but realized that nothing had really changed, so we decided to divorce and it was finalized in November of that year. We sold the house for a small profit and split the proceeds. I moved into the last place I lived in Tucson and Jen moved into a house she rented. We maintained a friendly relationship, but our close intimate friendship was broken beyond repair. Out of all the things I've ever lost, that is what I will always miss the most.

Over the next year and a half I just lived, not really doing anything noteworthy. I kept drinking heavily, but never when I had my daughter. Being drunk around her when I'm the responsible parent is a line I will never cross. In August of 2004 I met and started dating Peggy. In September of that year Jen, with my agreement, started looking for a way for her job to transfer her to San Diego, and in October it became reality. Peggy and I were still new in our relationship, but instead of ending it, she moved with me when I went to San Diego to stay close to my daughter. It was a hard move to a place I didn't particularly like, but I did what I had to do. Peggy and I had some good times and I will always think upon her fondly.

Jump forward a few years... thanksgiving weekend of 2007 I had to have Emma put to sleep after 13 and a half years. Strangely enough, the day it happened was also November 26th. That was an excruciatingly sad time for me. She wasn't my daughter, but I'd had her since she was a wee little puppy and it was hard to say goodbye. I must have watched Jurassic Bark 100 times since then, trying to exorcise the pain. At the end of that year the apartment complex we were living in told us they were remodeling our apartment and we had the choice of ending our lease or moving into a more expensive apartment on the same property, but we had to be out by the end of February. We chose to end the lease and our relationship and Peggy moved back to Tucson and I found another apartment complex to live in, one which was less expensive, in a better and more convenient area and I really liked the place a lot better than where we had been. It was only about 2 miles from my daughter's new middle school so that was great!

In October of 2008 I found Firefly. My favorite show ever. That in turn led me to Dr. Horrible, Buffy, Angel and eventually to Dollhouse. And of course that led to the Dollhouse forum and, of course, the DOTT and other OT threads for other Whedon shows, where I met some of the best friends I've ever known.

In late spring/early summer of this year I foolishly let myself fall too hard, fast and deeply for a girl with whom I had almost no chance of ever having a normal meaningful relationship for several reasons, not least of which was nearly 2000 miles separating us. What we had was wonderful and I wouldn't give it up for anything, but all good things end and I ended up with a broken heart. It's strange to think of it this way, but the heartbreak was both more and less painful than my divorce was. The divorce I could see coming miles off while this was like a sudden drop off a cliff. The pain was more intense, but it passed much more quickly than the slow unending emotional pummeling of ending a marriage, and maintaining contact with her and her family for the sake of our daughter. Still though, if I had a magic wand I would erase the past 3 months and all the miles between us to see if we could make something of it. But... wishes, horses, steak. If you've been reading my previous blogs you may have seen me whining and moaning over this.

Also of note, again already blogged about but I'll mention it here for the sake of completeness, mid-August I lost the apartment I liked so much and have had to move back to Tucson to live with my dad until I find a new job, hopefully very very soon.

Another thing I already wrote about was meeting and having a short but sweet relationship with Jeremy, my first male lover.

On another positive note, I got to meet my geek idol, Wil Wheaton, over Labor Day weekend here in Tucson.

I've been up all night crying through writing this. Maybe not the best way to start Thanksgiving, but the catharsis was sorely needed.

So, I'll end this in the spirit of the day with a few things I'm thankful for:
Always first and foremost, my daughter. She never fails to bring a smile to my face and it's amazing to know that I made half of her.

My wonderful family (excepting my evil brother). They've been a rock I can always count on.

My close friends, both meat world and virtual world. I don't know how I would have gotten through this past year without them.

Pie. Nothing really special, but I'm thankful that I'm going to be eating some today.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Most of you know by now, but for the few who don't ... I'm no longer seeing Jeremy. And for those who don't know why (most of you) a little history...

Jeremy and I have more in common than just our love for cooking, eating, talking and Joss Whedon's shows. He's also divorced with a friendly ex and a little girl (3 y.o.) who is his whole world (as she should be). Recently his ex started toying with the idea of getting a job somewhere else and leaving Tucson, and Jeremy, while not crazy about the idea, said he would move too, to stay close to his little girl.

So, a few days ago we were talking on the phone and he gave me the big serious "we need to talk", and he didn't want to do it over the phone, but in person. I started to get a little nervous because that's not usually good news. We had plans to get together for the weekend anyway so I figured we'd have our talk then and see what happens. I went over to his place Friday and no serious talky all night, nothing all day Saturday either until the afternoon when I brought it up. He seemed really uneasy about it but eventually he let it spill... apparently his ex's idea of moving was more than just idle speculation, she already has a new job lined up and they'll all be moving in about a month, and to top it off, they might be getting back together, which I suppose is good on a family front. I'm happy for his little girl and I'm proud of him for giving everything up to be near her and possibly full time parents again. I just wish things had been different. He told me he wants to keep seeing me until he moves, and much as I want to keep spending time with him, I told him I'd have to think about it, and since then I've told him no. I don't want to be a temp, if that makes sense, and he understands why not.

So, that was the end of my first foray into the world of ... I don't know what to call it... bisexual relationships? Although I wish it didn't have to end, I'm glad it did when it did instead of when we were more emotionally invested and seriously attached. It also helped that I had kind of a couple of days warning and had a chance to talk it out with a friend before hand.

We have no hard feelings on either side. The time I spent with Jeremy was wonderful, I think he was the perfect man for me to be with for the first time, and we both really enjoyed each other's company in all the other things we did too. Even though our time together was short, I will always remember it as some of the best times of my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Okay, yes, I'm weird. So?

Some of you may know I have a mild form of OCD. Not the kind leading to catatonia or severe panic attacks, just the kind that leaves me with an uncomfortable mental pressure and makes me feel like something is wrong or something bad is going to happen if I don't carry out the compulsion. So, why do I write this? Well, one of the ways my OCD expresses itself is when I'm walking on sidewalks. Either I have to avoid stepping on lines at all or, if I can't, I have to step on them in a repeatable pattern, like line, no line, no line, line etc... which is what I usually end up doing because most sidewalk squares are just the right size to make that a comfortable stride. I've been doing a lot of walking recently, just to burn off excess energy, give myself time to think and to get outside to avoid cabin fever.

Well, I have to say, the sidewalks in this neighborhood suck. I mean, I guess they are perfectly normal and functional for most people, but each piece of concrete is a different shape and size which makes it difficult for me to either avoid the lines or step on them in a regular pattern, so I usually end up walking on the shoulder of the road, or crossing the street when a dirt path is available. Tonight I was out for a longish walk and jokingly mumbled to myself "oh, you can't go down that road, all the sidewalks are broken." Which of course they're not, just difficult for me.

But that started me pondering... what other things in my life are broken or useless to me, not in and of themselves, but simply because of my skewed perception. I'm sorry to report the list is fairly long. Minor things like stories, books, shows are quite common on the list because they might be great, but they remind me of something extremely painful or a fearful situation, not because of the content of thing, but because of who introduced me to it. Interestingly, no songs, pictures/paintings or foods are on the list. I have no idea why. I already said I'm weird, right? Fortunately none of my favorites are tainted this way, but I came to those myself.

I have no idea where I was going with this, it just popped into my head while I was out tonight and I wanted to write it down. Sorry for having wasted your time.

So last night I went to help Peggy move some furniture then afterward I went back to that bar, intending to karaoke Under Your Spell, because the karaoke lady told me she could play it if I bring in a CD with the song in a special format, so I did. I got there about 11:30 and there were a couple of cops right outside the door talking to the bartender. I went to talk to the karaoke lady and just about then the music turn off and the lights came on and the bartender announced they were closing for the night. So, still no luck on recording the song. I asked the bartender what happened and she said the cops were closing them down due to noise complaints (I don't see how, the place is in a strip mall that's empty at night) and that she personally was fined $100 because she's also the manager.

As I was leaving the "Thank you" lady from a couple of blogs ago stopped me and said "I'm glad you came!" She introduced me to her friend whose name almost made me laugh due to a funny coincidence. Anyway, we hit it off right away, went to a coffee shop and talked for a few hours. Very attractive, younger than I am (27), big Whedon fan, funny, fun and comfortable to be with. We left the coffee shop about 2 and spent most of the rest of the night together, mostly just talking and laughing, until I went home shortly before 6 so my dad wouldn't worry, I hadn't planned to be out all night. We have plans to spend the weekend together for a Firefly/Serenity marathon and to cook and eat lots of unhealthy food.

So, why did the name almost make me laugh? Another friend just recently started dating someone with the same name. And the name is... Jeremy. Yes, you read that right, I met a guy. Recently I've been exploring my sexuality, just mentally, and realized the thought of being with a guy wasn't at all off putting, and was actually arousing. I'm still totally into girls, now I just have a wider selection. But the surprising thing is, until last night, I could never imagine being in a relationship with a guy, and now I'm making kinda romantic weekend plans with one. My head's still spinning a bit over all this, but I'm very happy about it.

Nuff said.

Howdy folks!

Through a blend of good fortune and, um... good fortune, I had the opportunity last night to see a double feature of "Repo! The Genetic Opera" and "Rocky Horror Picture Show" in a theater. While waiting in line to get my tickets a woman and her early teens daughter got in line behind me. The girl asked what I was there to see and I told her "Both!" Her mom then explained "This is one of those old-fashioned theaters with only one screen." to which I replied "Ah, yes, the good old days." The mom laughed quietly, touched my shoulder, and said "Oh, I know!" We all ended up chatting and making jokes, during which the mom kept touching me. When we got to the ticket counter the daughter made a joke about "you old people". When I said to the mom "You know, sometimes I regret teaching my daughter my smart-ass sense of humor" she grabbed my arm and burst up laughing. I don't know if she was flirting or not, but I did notice she had a wedding ring, so even if she was... um, yeah... not. That's a line I will never cross, I don't want to be party to that kind of betrayal.

Repo was awesome. Although, compared to my TV the screen was smaller from where I was sitting, it was incredible to see Repo in a theater... being surrounded by the sound and feeling the deep tones shake my ribs really added a whole nother level to my enjoyment of it.

Between Repo and Rocky Horror there was a whole bunch of other silliness that went on, the shadow cast of Rocky Horror were selling raffle tickets for a vintage vinyl version of the Rocky Horror soundtrack (I bought 10, in case I won I was gonna send to to a friend, alas, I didn't) and goody bags for the show, which included noise makers, rice, toast and newspaper along with other things traditionally part of the audience participation. The guy MC'ing was really funny and the things he had people doing nearly had me rolling. If I can figure out how to get vids off my phone without losing sound I'll put some up on YouTube. There was a costume contest which was pretty cool. 1 person was dressed as Faith (she liked my Firefly tattoos!) and there were Groupie #3 and Dr Horrible as well. The prize for sexiest went to "the Mad Hattress", for scariest was "Two Face" (IMO, the best) from the Batman franchise and Overall was a couple who went as Batman and Robin.

After the costume contest they did the traditional virgin sacrifice. If you've never been to see Rocky Horror in a theater, you really should. Virgins are people who are there for the first time, and they're subjected to all sorts of all-in-fun humiliation like same sex kissing, one holds a banana 'down there' and another tries to roll a condom as far down it as they can using only their mouth, one person tries to eat a mouthful of whipped cream out of another's mouth, fake an orgasm (both male and female), do a pg-13 rated striptease etc... (it's all voluntary, no one has to participate). In all the times I've been I've never seen more that 10 virgins at one showing, this time there were at least 75 and it took forever to get through them, but the hilarity was worth the extra time it took. Watching the movie I felt like a huge virgin because it's been so long that I'd forgotten so many of the audience callbacks shouted out (or thrown) either in response to or anticipation of what's happening on screen. Still, virgin-y feelings and all, it was so much fun to be part of all of that again. As a teenager it was the closest thing I had to the shared cathartic experience of church (we never went, even though my dad's an ordained suthuhn' baptist minister - didn't work out, he's too open minded.) If you ever have the chance to see Rocky Horror in a theater with a bunch of freaks, you really, really should... and don't be scared, I lived through my virgin experience with fond memories (more than 20 years ago, I licked the whipped cream out of a girls mouth) and so will you.

Things have changed a bit, but not too much, since the last time I saw it. Used to be, during "Over at the Frankenstein Place", we'd all whip out our lighters for the "There's a light" line, now it's cell phones. And for "The Time Warp" we'd all run into the aisles to do the dance, now everyone just stands up and stays near their seats. Everyone still sings along which I'm very glad of, I'd have felt slightly foolish to be doing it by myself. The shadow cast were great, with a bit of a twist, Frank N Furter was played by a very sexy woman. I don't have words to explain how awesome it is to see Rocky Horror played out twice at the same time, once on the screen and another by a shadow cast along with a raucous audience, it's just something you have to experience. And, if you do, don't get annoyed that people are talking over the movie, that's kinda the point.

The shadow cast...


After the shows (about 1 AM) I really didn't want to go home, I wanted to be around people having fun, so I went back to that gay bar again. I'm really not, it's just, spending time there recently makes it feel like a fun and comfortable place. And it was again. While I was at the bar getting a glass of water (BTW, do you tip for water? I do because, for the bartender, it's the same amount of work) the same young woman who said "thank you" last time I was there waved me over and said "I recognize you, you're the karaoke guy!" I just smiled sheepishly and said "Yeah, I guess I am". She said "You're coming out again next Thursday, right?" I don't know if this makes me a boorish oaf or a pushover or whatever but I have trouble saying "no" to a pretty woman, so I said "I 'spose I am." to which she replied "Yay!" so I guess I'll have another Thursday adventure I might blog about on Friday morning.

Pretty good Halloween, neh?

Yesterday was a unusual day for me. I still haven't slept, and I have more (light) physical labor to do today, so I'll be dead on my feet by this afternoon.

I fell asleep at about 7 AM and was rudely awakened at about 11 by a big noise of something being knocked off of the closet shelf. Feeling irritated, I just wanted to get out for a while, so I looked online for places in Tucson where I could be Vork (i.e. places with free wifi). 2 different sites suggested...


I figured with 2 recs and a cool name it was worth a shot. It really was, the place is well named. Cool decorations, good food (at least what I had, lox & bagel and iced green tea) the staff were fast and friendly, and like most of the other customers (including myself) they were all slightly on the freakish side. I felt perfectly at home, like I was among my people. It's my new favorite place ever. Plus the wifi was fast and easy, no automatic redirects where you have to sign up and agree not to do evil things, just connect and you're going. Also, they have outlets to plug your laptop into. It'd be more perfect only if it were open 24 hrs. It was an epic restart of an epic day. While I was there I finally made the decision to do my next little adventure.

So, I went home to shower, change and catch up online. Then I headed out to...

I got there about 4:30 and talked to them a bit (more cool freaks). I originally intended to get just one, but I'd had ideas for others and decided on 3 (in for a penny etc...), wrote out what I wanted, chose the fonts and made an appointment to come back at 6:30. So I went to have an early dinner and wander around Target for a while. While I was there I had a moment of panic that I had remembered a quote incorrectly and 2 nice people on twitter (@okelay and @GrrAargh)confirmed that I had been correct. That was a huge relief. Very nice people, if you use Twitter you should check them out and follow them. So, I went back to State of art a few minutes early and the artist was almost done with the stencils, so while waiting I chatted with the other people who worked there and their friends about music and what my quotes were from (none of them had ever seen Firefly and were intrigued when they looked up one of the quotes). I don't think I converted any new fans, but still, it was fun.

The tattooing itself was a lot easier than I had thought it would be. It hurt, but in an exhilarating way, the good kind of hurt that makes you feel alive. It also helped that I knew at the end I'd have something cool to take out of it that would last my whole life. The first hurt more than the other two because it was on the inside of my upper left arm, from my elbow almost to my armpit. When the pain got a little high, I just imagined a picture I had burned into my brain that reminded me of a worse pain and that made it easier to take. When he started the second one (left shoulder right above where a t-shirt ends) the artist told me he was a little surprised that I had taken it so easily and that he wanted to start with that one to make the others seem minor in comparison. That was quite courteous of him and he was right. Throughout the last 2 I was texting and facebooking from my phone (which is tricky to do one handed). About halfway through the second he asked "Has anyone ever told you that tattoos are addicting?" to which I responded "No, but I can totally see why." He seemed pleased with that answer. At the end, about 9 PM, I was decorated with...

.

.


I like the little story or statement it makes when read in that order, and that's actually the order they were done in. (the third is on my right shoulder, same placement as the second). The second was the only one I had originally intended to get, but I love them all. I'm actually trying to adopt a bit of that attitude. I might go back in the near future to get "Burn the land and boil the sea" put above the first, to complete the line. He was right when he said it's addicting.

After that I went home again for a few minutes to grab a warmer jacket because it's been freezing here the past few days. Right now it's about 40 degrees Fahrenheit outside. I went out again and now here's the part where I explain the title of this blog entry. It's a line from my last one (A f'ing interesting evening) in which I described how I ended up watching a drag show at a gay bar (Ain't Nobody's Biz) with my best friend from high school. Several people from DOTT said they wanted pictures and it was also convenient timing because last night was karaoke night, and I was planning on videoing me singing "Under Your Spell" for Holly's birthday gift.

So, when I got there, from outside I heard bad, off-key singing and laughing so I thought it might be pretty active. Well, I was wrong. When I walked in I could count all the people there on my fingers. 9 women, 2 of whom were the bartender and the DJ, and the lone guy, me. I asked the DJ if she had "Under Your Spell" and she didn't, the closest was "Under Your Spell Again". I asked if I could sing it a capella and she said "No, that wouldn't be very karaoke-y now, would it?", so instead I asked for "Beauty School Dropout" which she did have. I found a nice woman to video me with my phone when my turn came up. When it did, not to brag, (well, maybe a little) I kicked bleeping ass. Everyone cheered and whistled and clapped, which they weren't doing for everyone else. That song is perfect for me. After the song I sat down and listened to a few other singers, some of whom were quite good. The bartender (a nice lady with pink close shaved hair) should do it professionally.

I started to get bored because I didn't know anyone there and couldn't find anything else good in the catalog, so I texted my ex girlfriend, Peggy, and asked if she wanted to join me, as friends. She agreed and I went to pick her up and got back about 45 minutes later and by that time there were actually 2 guys there, but a few of the women had left, so about the same number of people. Peggy, who refused to sing, helped me find a couple more songs I could do, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and "Here I Go Again On My Own". I did pretty well on those too, the people seemed to appreciate them, but they weren't as good as the first. Peggy videoed those as well. Towards the end of the evening the bartender climbed on the bar and danced and sang, at one point she got on her hands an knees and crawled seductively toward one of the guys and teased him a bit. That was a hoot. I closed the singing with "Wonderful Tonight". I chose that song because I had sung it to my ex-wife at our wedding reception and since our divorce I've never been able to listen to it without bawling, and I wanted to see it I could do it now. Everyone loved it and maybe I have a heart of stone now, but it stirred not even one single wistful feeling. Overall, it was a fun time. As we were leaving a pretty young woman tapped my shoulder and said "Thank you" when I turned to face her. I was a bit taken aback and not quite sure what she was thanking me for, so the only thing I could think to respond with was "You're welcome, and thank you too."

Sadly, none of the pics came out very well because it was dark and my phone doesn't have a flash, but I'll post the best ones below. And my stupid phone recorded the video okay, but no ruttin' sound! Grr Aargh! If I ever go again, I will take my real camera which does both very well, but has a small memory card.

I think it's funny that at a gay bar they have a women's restroom and a...

but no men's.

See how empty the place was?


It's hard to read, but that's a red neon sigh near the DJ's stand which says "the G Spot" in fancy script.


And here's a beefcake poster...

The other night there were guys dressed like that carrying around trays of Jello shots.

So as we were driving away we both decided we were hungry and wanted to hang out and chat some, so we went to Denny's. It was pretty empty there, too...


The food was eh...(obviously) but we had fun talking. For a while she was complaining about bruises and sore muscles resulting from a fairly wild four hour marathon session with a guy she's seeing in which he went through a box and a half of condoms. I think she just wanted to brag a bit but, gotta hand it to him... he wins the prize for stamina and recovery.

Here's Peggy with her 80's rocker chick hair...


And here's me checking Twitter as I was waiting to pay...


As we walked out I took this last pic across the street from Denny's...

A bit hard to read but on the left is Fascinations, a sex shop and on the right is the Bunny Ranch, a non-alcohol serving all nude strip club which was one of our stops at my ex-brother-in-law's bachelor party.

Holy cannoli, this is a lot longer than I thought it'd be and it's taken me close to 4 hours to write. I never worked this hard on homework when I was in school. I hope everyone has as entertaining and epically interesting day as I did yesterday.

Cheers, exhausted Jay

So, it all started out earlier yesterday afternoon, when I made plans with an old friend to go out to dinner. Coincidentally, around this time, the wifi at home stopped working (which you might have read about in DOTT) The place we were going was kinda upper crust in Tucson terms, so shorts would be inappropriate, so I went to the mall to buy some jeans and a new top. After my successful purchases (which, again, you might have read about in DOTT) I went out to put the bag in my car and grab my laptop for an hour or two in Border's cafe area.

After Border's, I was walking to my car and I reached into my pocket for my keys to discover... they weren't there. I had a vague paranoia when I walked behind my car and saw a little glint by the ignition through the back window. Yes, turns out, while dropping said bag in my car I sat down for a mo in the driver's seat to give my feet a break and to listen to the radio. When I got out to walk back into the mall to go to Border's, I forgot to grab my keys from the ignition and locked them in the car. You may have read about this on FB or Twitter. So, I called an emergency locksmith and they sent out a very nice young man to rescue me. He was fun to talk to while he tried to break into my car. Could have probably been friends had we met under different circumstances.

So, now I have my keys and it's a little under an hour until I'm supposed to meet my friend. I rush home (15 minute drive) to shower and change then rush out to meet my friend (another 15 minute drive) for dinner. We had a great time catching up and the food was just phenomenal. I had fettuccine with a very tasteful pesto sauce that I will remember to my grave, the perfect combination of nutty, creamy, slightly bitter and basil-y sweetness. I passed on the wine 'cause it's not really my thing, just water and iced tea for dear ol' Jay. And here's where the more interesting part comes in...

After dinner, my buddy suggested we go to a gay bar called "Ain't nobody's biz" to catch a drag queen show, because he'd never seen one. (Which brings up another interesting life coincidence for Jay that I may tell you about one day) He'd always wanted to see one, but was afraid to go by himself because he didn't want to get hit on by a guy. (He claims to not be gay but he's the biggest closet case I've ever known, his extreme homophobia practically screams it to the rafters). So, he wanted to go pretending we were a couple so he had an excuse if he were approached. Kind of like we had agreed to do if the draft had been reinstated during Desert Storm (round 'bout the time most of you were born) - if it were, we were gonna go into the recruitment office pretending to be gay lovers, so they wouldn't take us. Neither of us were really cut out for military service - which is kinda funny considering that much of the music we listened to back then (real heavy metal) was very militaristic in nature.

So, back to "Nobody's Biz"... it was actually kind of fun. The drag performers were great. A few of them had me fooled, even knowing they were in drag, and one of them was just... well if... nevermind. At one point I had a transvestite shaking his/her booty in my crotch. I don't know what this says about me, but that guy was hot. If he had propositioned me I don't know what I would have done... maybe... eh, well, didn't happen. We met some very fun and interesting people there, one of whom told me after seeing my fingernails "Oooh, lilac blue? Girl, you're just giving it away!" S/he must have been blind 'cause 1) I'm not a girl, 2) they're all different colors, not one of them close to lilac blue. And I'm not sure what "it" I was supposedly giving away. After the show was over the interesting people announced they were going to another bar, IBT (It's 'bout time), to "really get the party started". I went, but my buddy didn't, he'd had enough. Wasn't really my scene... too much house mix heavy beat dance music, with tightly packed bodies and random groping. Cheers to you if that's what you're in to, but for me... I gave it a pass after a glass of water and headed home. Which is where I am now, typing this up.

So, that was my interesting evening.

Did you have one?

I don't know where the title for this blog came from, it just popped into my head. Don't read anything into it.

Where to start... Um, 12 years and 9 months ago my wife was feeling kinda frisky and... maybe that's not the best place.

Yesterday was my daughter's 12th birthday party! WOOOO!!!!!

We all went to Disneyland and had a great time. Best birthday party I've ever been a part of, one for the books. Rather than go through a boring litany of events, I think I'll write this blog thematically, centered around the people: Everyone, my daughter, Gramma (my ex's mom), my daughter's friends, my ex; and then a little wrap up at the end.

Everyone:
Okay, 6 twelve year old girls, 3 adults, all in a crowded place with lots of strangers. A bit stressful for the grown ups? Understatement. The girls were understandably excited, running around roughshod and sometimes a bit rambunctious, but over-all, very well behaved. I'd be happy to be part of a replay.

My Girl:
What can I say? She's my reason.

She's been planning for this party almost since her last birthday, and she did very well. It's been a noteworthy weekend for her, (if you read my recent DOTT post, you'll know part of why.) Everyone had a happy, memorable, time. Aside from a ride being closed for repairs, everything came off without a hitch. Everyone had a big happy. Yay!

Gramma:
She was friendly, gracious and fun to be around. She's has a very nice person in her and I'm happy she brought that person along. The melodramatic, passive aggressive, guilt tripping lady from the last time I talked about her was nowhere to be seen. So, Yay! for Gramma! She really came through for the family this time.

My Daughter's Friends:
I was a bit nervous at my daughter's guest list. Her last party with friends from different circles (end of the last school year) had some dark, uncomfortable, moments with a lot friend-jealousy. I'm pleased to report that there was not a spec of jealousy to be seen. They were all focused on having a fun time for themselves and my daughter. I was beyond pleased when, at the end of the day, I overheard some of the girls saying "I wish [person X] went to our school, she's so cool!" The girl from the other school, [person X], even now has an invitation to one of the other girl's next birthday party! I call that a win.

My Ex:
I was kind of fearful at the prospect of spending a day with my ex-wife in a place where we had so much fun together early in our relationship, before we were married (and before she lost my favorite hat, ever). But we both had a very good time. We had a better time together than we've had since years before we were divorced. At one point I was between her thighs, with lots of twists and turns, ups and downs, and she was totally wet, before the big build up and release.

...

Okay, sorry, that was an intentionally innuendo-y joke (but my ex probably wouldn't laugh). But not entirely made up. We were on the ride "Splash Mountain" and I was sitting in front of her. So, between her thighs, twists and turns, ups and downs, totally wet, build up and release were all true, in the literal sense. In the innuendo-y sense, though, that hasn't happened between us for a very, very long time.

Wrap up:
Okay, so, I have to say real roller coasters are much more enjoyable than emotional ones. Especially in comparison to the last weekend and my past several blogs. Disneyland was just frakkin' awesome. If you've been to their Haunted Mansion in the last 30 year or so, you should totally go sometime near Halloween, it's totally re-done, in a so cool sort of way. On my Firelfy scale of awesomeness I'd rate it somewhere near "Ariel". Yeah, it's that cool. (also, WTF?!?!?! I just noticed that Hulu no longer has the entire series of Firefly available to watch online. Jerkwads!) It was really cute that some of the classic Disney characters were dressed up for Halloween (if you're on Facebook or Twitter you might have seen my Goofy pic). I wish I had had time to take a pic with Mickey and Minnie, Holly probably would have loved the sign.

If you ever have the opportunity to go to Disneyland for a celebration, I recommend going to Big Thunder Ranch for lunch (unless you're a vegetarian), great food, awesome service. Also the Blue Bayou restaurant near Pirates of the Caribbean rocks really hard in good ways, but it's pretty spendy. I really wish I had gotten to go on the Indiana Jones ride (the only one there I haven't been on) and Space Mountain (my fave there) but things work out as they do, so, next time.

The end:
I guess that's it. Have a good Monday folks! I'm driving back to Tucsonish hell tomorrow, so I'll be off-line for most of the day, but I might be able to do phone-y things (Facebook, Twitter, IM) when I stop for gas and food. If I don't talk to you before then, see you on Wednesday. Maybe. That's a big day, too.

Afterthoughts:
Sorry I don't have any pics for this blog, I'll try to do another including them in the next few days. I'm in unfamiliar territory right now.

Also, I think it's funny that most of the people who will be reading this could have been the cute tiny kids playing in the lobby at the maternity ward when my daughter was born. Kinda perspectiveizes things.

So, anyway, yeah, that's it.

Cheers.

Howdy all,

I want to apologize for the less-than-cheery nature of my last two blogs and some of my recent activity on Twitter and Facebook. I realized I was getting a little overly dramatic when an ex-girlfriend, who I lived with once, texted me this morning to ask how I was coping. I don't want to make too much light of them, because they were serious words with serious feelings behind them, but for now, I've locked that me back in his box, he's wandered around unchecked for long enough and I usually don't like to air my private feelings in public like that.

I'm sooper dooper appreciative of all the commiserating and supportive comments I've gotten - you guys (or girls, because no males commented - I understand, it's a guy thing) rock really hard and I have nothing but good feelings for every single one of you. It spins my head a bit to think how close to you I can feel with only keyboards, screens and words between us. As for now, I have much more to be happy and excited about than dreary and dismal. In a few hours I'll be leaving for a short road trip to see my daughter over her birthday weekend and to take her (and some friends) to Disneyland. So, in terms of Metallica songs, more Hit the Lights and less Fade To Black. (look them up if you want to - the lyrics are more expletive laden than I care to post. Also, give them a listen, both great songs) After that road trip I was gonna take another longer one but it was called off, which was part of why I was sad, but it's all worked out for the good and hurt feelings have been left behind. So, all's good in the 'hood as they say.

Okay, I 'spose that's about it. Just, I love you all and thanks for all the support. See y'all in a few days as the proud father of a 12 year old (sheesh, where does all that time go?)

Oh, yeah, one more thing - if you were wondering, the title of this blog was an intentional call back to an earlier one. Kind of a dumb joke. Probably more dumb than joke, but anyway. Yeah.

Cheers, normal Jay.

You know that dreary hopeless feeling you get that accompanies coming down from an unreasonable rebound high after a despairing low? When you realize nothing's really changed from the reason for the low? That's me right now. I've been on a roller coaster the past few days, and not the fun kind like at an amusement park.

I think I'm going to take a break, for a while anyway, from the forums I regularly post in. They're usually a big source of happy and I'm really not in the mood for happy. I probably won't go away completely, but I won't be as regular as usual. And some of that time I'll actually be away in a place where It'll be hard to check in anyway. Thank goodness for better-than-lousy timing for once.

So, if you're wondering where I am... that's where. Not here.

And for anyone who might be inclined to worry, please, please don't. I promise I won't do anything stupid. I'll be okay, I just need time to recover.

So, yeah, big high to lowest low.

Started out Saturday morning with happy leavings from Friday night. The rest of the day was pretty good with happy anticipation. Saturday evening was a big high when I met one of my geek idols, Wil Wheaton. That was a huge high. Little did I know at the same time other things were brewing. Turns out some things that I had thought were one way were, instead, another.

I was planning otherwise, but Sunday night turned out to be one of the worst nights of my life.

I won't go into details. But timing sucks and sometimes it hurts to be the nice guy.

I have nothing but good love for all of the friends I've met on the Whedon-ish forums. Just...

Fair warning. I may not be not my normal me over the next ... whatever time.

Sorry to be all emo, but these lyrics fit my mood...

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly loss, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now he's gone

Hi everyone!

I don't have much to say, but I said I'd blog about this, so...

I finally got paid for my last invoice at my old job, so I bought myself some cool new things. Just a bit of retail therapy, which I don't usually go for, but ehh... I've been wanting this stuff anyway.

So, here it is.


Pretty neat, huh?

Also, I really like Tucson. The people are so much friendlier than they are in San Diego. Just sayin'.

Note: This is a stream of consciouness brain dump and may seem disjointed, please bear with me. Also, my spellign and grammar probably suck. Don't hold it against me.

Part the first, in which I explain my "absence":
So, 2 weeks ago I announced that I would be mostly offline for the foreseeable future. Well, that foreseeable future is now the past and I'm mostly online again. Many of you know I was laid off from my job in January (before I knew anyone who will likely be reading this), along with all of the other remote employees because we were an easy group to cut. Shortly after that, they realized their mistake and hired a few of us back on a contract basis, not as normal salaried employees. This was good and bad - good in that I was able to negotiate a higher rate than what they had been paying me as an employee. Bad in that the rate was hourly, and I had to bill them and wait for the invoices to go through layers of process, approvals, amendments etc... before finally getting paid, sometimes months later. Throughout all of this there was always the looming possibility of my contract ending, but it was always renewed and it seemed the work would never be finished.

That along with a not terrible severance package kept me afloat and led me to a short sighted complacency. I didn't spend enough time looking for a new actual job because I thought my current situation would continue indefinitely so I was caught by surprise when my contract suddenly wasn't renewed and, hey look, rent is due! The property management people were nice and understanding of my situation and were very accommodating and had let me stretch and slide things a bit when necessary, but they like to get paid just as much as I do. So, they very understandingly and accommodatingly told me I couldn't live there anymore. When I wrote my last blog I honestly had no idea where I would be sleeping that night. I ended up staying in a hotel for a few days, slept one night in my car at a campground and (ultimate in humiliation) spent a couple of nights on the couch in my ex-wife's living room. Throughout all of that I had very limited internet access and no place to set up my computers. Now I have moved back to Tucson and have become the very image of the stereotypical loser - unemployed middle aged man, mooching off of his dad and living in his spare room. Except the "spare room" is the second bedroom in a tiny two bedroom apartment. I love my dad and think he's one of the greatest people I've ever known, but I so don't want to live here very long. I almost wish I had never left Tucson five years ago in the first place - I had a nice three bedroom house in a good neighborhood with a huge yard for my dog and a decent kitchen. My mortgage was about half of what it cost to rent my two bedroom apartment in Carlsbad. But, I always try to be accommodating and when my ex told me of a great job offer she had in Cali, I decided to go along with it because I could work from pretty much anywhere. (We had agreed when we divorced to try to live close to each other for our daughter's sake). Thinking back, I could have said "no" but I never do that. Huh. (sarcasm) I wonder why things never go according to *my* plans? Sometimes it sucks being the nice guy.

On the positive side, it seems like many companies are advertising jobs right up my alley, even if few are actually hiring. Hopefully it won't take long to find a new one. Even though San Diego is not my favorite place to live, I plan to move back there in the not too distant future because I can't stand being separated from my daughter for too long.

Part the second, in which I describe my harrowing move:
Where to start - OK, Wednesday of last week. I rented a U-Haul truck to load up things from my old apartment. Of particular interest was my daughter's bedroom furniture - about two years ago I had refurnished her room with very nice things - and she wanted that at her mom's place instead of in storage. So we got that all packed up and loaded, along with everything else, and moved over to mom's and went to return the U-Haul truck. Well, the people at the rental place said that I returned the truck damaged. Huh? What? I had had the truck for less than 24 hours, and had driven it a total of 12.6 miles, never going under any trees or overhangs, but they said one of the tiny little lights along the top was broken and they never let people rent trucks with broken lights. Yeah, sure. It didn't get broken while I had the truck, so it must have been already broken when I took the truck, but, I didn't mark it down on the inspection paper, so I had to pay 175 dollars to fix it. Frakkin' censor-bypass-heads. I swear, next time I rent a car or truck or anything I am taking a video and emailing it to them before I ever get the keys so I have proof. Starts with "F" and rhymes with truckers.

So, after the U-Haul incident I went to assemble my daughter's furniture and - lo and behold - the screws and bolts are missing and by this time it's too late at night to go back to try to find them, so, one more day of delay. I went back the next day (Thursday) and luckily found the bag I had put them in near the trash. So, I got everything assembled then spent a fun and teary day with my daughter playing games and talking. I left about 6 PM went to fill up my car with gas, only to find that the gas station I had a gift card for had all their pumps blocked off because they're remodeling. Crap. Luckily I found another one on the way to the freeway, but not before I took the first of my travel pictures (you can see some of them in my FaceBook album). I was going to take more pictures but 1, it was dark because I drove over night and 2, from San Diego to Tucson is the most stunningly boring drive, ever. The radio in my car wouldn't pick up anything good, so I was gonna listen to the music that I copied to my phone before I left, but somewhere in packing my car I misplaced the adapter that allows me to plug my headphones into it. Grr. So, it was a long, boring, silent drive. I amused myself by singing aloud to myself. And taking pictures. And stopping at just about every rest stop along the way so the trip took about 11 hours instead of the usual 6 and half.

Part the third, why Tucson almost, but not quite, sucks:
It's frakkin' hot. I got into Tucson about 5 AM and it was already close to 90 degrees F. It was a little too early to go to my Dad's place, so I had breakfast and then went and hung out at one of my favorite places in Tucson, Reid Park (pictures to follow), for a little while, then went and strolled around a mall in the nice cool air conditioning for a couple of hours. When I got back in my car it was like an oven. I had forgotten to put up the window shade (don't need 'em in San Diego) so I could barely touch the steering wheel without burning my hands. According to a temperature display along one of the roads it got up to at least 114 degrees, which is unusual for late August. My dad told me later that this has been one of the hottest, driest and longest summers he ever remembers here. Yay, lucky me. I'm just hoping we get some big scary weather soon so at least I'll get to see a nice lightning show. I miss those.

Otherwise, I love it here. Even though I'm not in my old house, the city still feels like home. The roads make sense, I can see for miles in every direction and I get the people. I had a minor scare after I unpacked my car. I got my computers and TV/DVD player all situated and was about to reward myself by watching Dollhouse, only to discover my DVDs were missing. I searched everywhere but couldn't find them and was beginning to think maybe they somehow fell out of the car on the drive. I don't know how that would have happened, but it was the only thing I could think of. Thankfully after most of a day thinking I'd never see them again, I found them underneath something my dad had helped me carry in from the car. Whew.

OK, now for the touristy pictures...
Here's a weird ... thing. I don't know what it's supposed to be, but it reminds me of a set from the original Star Trek


Here's a pretty Gazebo thing...


And here are some cool shadows underneath it...


Here's the stage where a local community theater group does Shakespeare in the Park on summer evenings. I saw Much Ado About Nothing and Mid Summer Night's Dream there both for the first time, along with many others. They were quite good.


Here's a sign for the zoo. I always feel bad when I see it becasue it makes me think of the polar bears there which have no business being in Tucson in the summer.


Here's another "artsy" thing. Those are Eucalyptus trees that have been cut off at the trunk, then had the branches trimmed, then turned upside down and poainted red. Yeah, I don't get it either.


Hey, look! That's the McDonalds I worked at for a day when I was in high school


I was on loan from a different McDonalds where I really worked. This one, across the street from Park Mall.


And my last piture - every city park in an arid desert needs a display of decadence, so...


Thanks for reading and paying attention. Have a pleasant day!

Howdy folks.

This will be my last word here for quite a while. I will be mostly offline for the foreseeable future. Don't worry, I'm not dead or in jail, just ... elsewhere.

You can reach me via DM on twitter if you want to.

I've enjoyed my time here, thanks for the fun. You're all wonderful people.

Well, not really.

I went our to eat, bought a gift for a friend, got my daughter a new phone and dun, dun, duuunnn... I got a haircut. That's the adventurous part since I don't so it very often. The last time was on New Year's Eve and before that it had been about 4 years.

Before: Mr. shaggy


During 1: The good part


During 2: About to run away


After: I guess that wasn't so bad (the one we took at the hair cut place didn't come out well)

I'm not sure how it came about, but yesterday I was asked to perform a wedding ceremony for JennaNJ and alwaysobsessed on Twitter. Needless to say I was honored and happily accepted.

Congratulations Jenna and Elle, and thanks for asking me. I had a great time

Following is a transcript of the event, as best as I could capture it, including some comments from friends and bystanders.

Participants:
@JenJelly85 - JennaNJ - Jenna
@WhatsInYourMind - alwaysobsessed - Elle

Officiating:
@jason_isaacs - lazyjay - That's me, baby

Friends:
@Unusual_Peanut - SVU_Obsessed - Kat
@innuendogirl - NJZ - Naila
@omarguazzelli - alias571 - Omar

Observers:
@MortyTheMouth - Morty
@LoliViolet
@crooxy

--- here it starts ---

@innuendogirl to @Unusual_Peanut
-Ugh, I care!

@Unusual_Peanut to @innuendogirl
-Really? =)

@WhatsInYourMind to all her folowers
-almost wedding time, get ready people! and aww Kaila you two are adorable

@innuendogirl to @Unusual_Peanut
-Yes, really. Why would you think I didn't?

@Unusual_Peanut to @innuendogirl
-Paranoia. Will you call me pathetic if I cry at the wedding?

@jason_isaacs to all his followers
-So, @JenJelly85 and @WhatsInYourMind, are you and all the "guests" ready?

@innuendogirl to @Unusual_Peanut
-No. But would you not cry if I did?

@Unusual_Peanut to @innuendogirl
-Wedding is about to start, going to remain quiet 'til the end =).

@JenJelly85 to @jason_isaacs
-I know Im here Haha

@WhatsInYourMind to @jason_isaacs
-as ready as Ill ever be

@innuendogirl to @Unusual_Peanut
-Crap, the wedding is starting? Ugh, I'm still out.

@jason_isaacs to all his followers
-OK, this is a first for me, so bear with me

@JenJelly85 to @jason_isaacs
-Okie Dokie

@WhatsInYourMind to @jason_isaacs
-go ahead Jay (:

@jason_isaacs to all his followers
-Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the wedding of @WhatsInYourMind and @JenJelly85.

@jason_isaacs to all his followers
-@WhatsInYourMind Do you take @JenJelly85 to have and to hold forever?

@WhatsInYourMind to @jason_isaacs
-..... I.... do *smiles*

@jason_isaacs to all his followers
-@JenJelly85 Do you, likewise, take @WhatsInYourMind, forever?

@JenJelly85 to @jason_isaacs
-I do..

@jason_isaacs to all
-@JenJelly85, @WhatsInYourMind Do you have vows you'd like to share?

@jason_isaacs to @FadedShiny
-You almost missed it!

@JenJelly85 to @jason_isaacs about @WhatsInYourMind
-hmm okay.. I never thought this day would come after all that have happened but I knew that our love was still there and Im so Happy and glad we get to be together forever Love ya Cookie

@FadedShiny to @kikimarie593
-Hi. I'm figuring out how to work this thing. =P

@jason_isaacs to all
-Aw, that's good @JenJelly85! And @WhatsInYourMind, do you have words?

@WhatsInYourMind to @jason_isaacs about @JenJelly85
-uhm*coughs* I knew it was meant to be, from the first time you called me Cookie. My life could never have been this great if..Hadnt met you.. Thanx for everything, and more to come.. I Love you

@FadedShiny to @jason_isaacs
-Yeah, I'm watching right now. =)

@Mortythemouth to all 1600 of his followers
-Wow,there's a tweeter wedding going on right now @jason_isaacs.
--@jason_isaacs to @Mortythemouth
---I've been wondering... Should they call it a twedding?
----@Mortythemouth to @jason_isaacs ... it's their wedding let them decide.Ask them...

@jason_isaacs to all
-@WhatsInYourMind Nicely said.

@jason_isaacs to all
-@WhatsInYourMind @JenJelly85 Do you have rings to exchange?

@WhatsInYourMind to @jason_isaacs about @JenJelly85
-yea @JenJelly85 *takes your hand and slides the ring on your finger*

@JenJelly85 to @jason_isaacs about @WhatsInYourMind
-@WhatsInYourMind Aw its beautiful.. *slides ring on your finger* {heart}

@jason_isaacs to all
-Congratulations, @WhatsInYourMind and @JenJelly85! By the power vested in me, I pronounce you wife and wife! Kiss each other.

@JenJelly85 to @jason_isaacs
-Thank you

@JenJelly85 to all
-Kisses @WhatsInYourMind

@WhatsInYourMind to @JenJelly85
-*frenches you back*

@JenJelly85 to @WhatsInYourMind
-Whoa

@jason_isaacs to all
-@JenJelly85 @WhatsInYourMind Now, go have a big party, get drunk, have lots of sex and live happily ever after

@WhatsInYourMind to @JenJelly85
-I still got it

@JenJelly85 to @jason_isaacs
-Thanks again and thats an awesome Idea

@WhatsInYourMind to @jason_isaacs
-Woooot! we will! *flashes weddingguests*

@FadedShiny to @jason_isaacs
-Nice ceremony!

@Unusual_Peanut to all
-*Snaps photo*

@FadedShiny to @JenJelly85
-Congratulations!!

@JenJelly85 to @Unusual_Peanut
-HAha give me a copy

@FadedShiny to @WhatsInYourMind
-And congratulations to you too! =D

@omarguazzelli to @JenJelly85
-I missed the wedding. Congratulations to you both.

@Mortythemouth to all
-Throwing rice would be a waste of food and confetti is not Eco-friendly so I'll just blow them a kiss of future happiness.

@Unusual_Peanut to @JenJelly85
-Will do. It can count as my wedding gift. That was really beautiful, you guys =).

@jason_isaacs to all
-RT @Mortythemouth: Throwing rice would be a waste of food and confetti is not Eco-friendly so I'll just blow them a kiss of future happiness

@WhatsInYourMind to @Unusual_Peanut
-haha nice pressie and thanx @FadedShiny hahaha woot

@jason_isaacs to @FadedShiny
-Thanks

@JenJelly85 to @Unusual_Peanut
-Aw thank you. Thats a nice gift

@Unusual_Peanut to @innuendogirl
-You back from wherever you were? =(

@WhatsInYourMind
-so what now, blitches?

@Unusual_Peanut to @WhatsInYourMind
-You're a married woman now...go do the dishes or something =P

@jason_isaacs to @JenJelly85 and @WhatsInYourMind
-Since there's no video, would you like a transcript?

@WhatsInYourMind to @Unusual_Peanut
-haha Ill leave that to her Im the slob.. *pours down some alcohol*

@WhatsInYourMind to @jason_isaacs
-oh that would be awesome!

@Unusual_Peanut to @WhatsInYourMind
-Will you even cook? =P

@Mortythemouth to all
-A wedding among the vowels and constants of language,what a great way to start the day.

@WhatsInYourMind to @Unusual_Peanut
-sometimes.. *hands you a drink* mostly Ill be making babies.. on her. (:

--- comments sent to me later ---

@LoliViolet to @jason_isaacs
-Bubbles work as a nice gesture too and they look pretty... haha

@crooxy to @jason_isaacs
-Aww, you conduct twitter-marriages now That's so cute!!!

@crooxy to @jason_isaacs
-You sounded like you were having a good time You should do it full time!

--- And that's the end ---