It comes and goes most of the time. Mostly when I am awake or when I go to bed of when I wake up.. ALONE... that is how I feel ALL the time..

Yes, my daughter is staying with me for the time being, until she has her second baby, but its not that kind of alone feeling.

Its the I wish I had a man in my life feeling. I hate being alone. I hate having to do everything by my self and have no one to call if something bad happens. That scares me, the only family I have around me is my daughter and Im the one she would call if she needed someone,, I have NO ONE!!

Im not really sure what to do. I know going out to meet someone sounds good on paper, but I work week ends, Im NOT going into a bar to meet someone or church, god is NOT my pimp. and I work funny hours during the day to volenteer somewhere.. And most times I have been working six days a week.

I really do not like nor can I afford a datting service. I have tryed those and get old men that just want to try and sleep with me.

GOD!!! what am I going to do..? My older brother got married the other month, his first. he 42, I know there has to be someone out there for me. just finding and meeting them is my question..

Someday I would love to write a book about how to deal with teenagers. and make a million. or make a lot of parents happy..

Mine is 19 and having her second baby. by a different father.. OH JOY OH JOY!!... I have I have learned over the years of being a parent, that no matter what you do. how ever you try to raise your children, in the end they still do what ever they want.

I love her to pieces but I think she is making really bad choices. and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like I have to be the one to fix things and take care of things.

thank god she does take care of her son and I know she will take care of one she is going to have next month.

I just wish things were different.

Amid the chaos of that day, when all I could hear was the thunder of gunshots, and all I could smell was the violence in the air, I look back and am amazed that my thoughts were so clear and true, that three words went through my mind endlessly, repeating themselves like a broken record: I Love you I Love you I Love you...

My grandson... thought it would be funny to jump off the golf cart him and daddy were on. Except the cart was still moving...

7 Stitches.......

I love him to pieces but sometimes I wish I could lock him in a closet to keep him safe..

So I'm sitting on the floor in kitchen going through old baby clothes to give away or throw away when the phone rings. I have stoped jumping up and running for the phone a long time ago. I get up normal and walk two inches when I trip over the baby gate. Phone still ringing with me bend over cusing up a blue and my grandson behind me going "boo boo mama'?" His grandma still comes out mamma. After the pain passes in my foot I somewhat forget about it until it starts to swell and turn purple and for almost two days I can not put my shoe on with out screaming in pain.

My new job has medical insurance, YIPPIE !!, so I decide to use it and go in to have it looked at. Well, seems I have fractured my pinky toe. Got to wear a big black boot for awhile. I get so much simpathy with that thing on. Even more when I tell people I got hit by a car, Then I tell them what really happand. It is funny both ways.

I can now put shoes on and not scream, my heels still twings a little but not that much, going in again on monday to make sure things are healing correctly. THank god for medical insurance.

This week end was my first night off in over 20 days. I almost started throwing things at people I was so tired. Working midnights that long make me loopy

Took my grandson to see his mom in Indiana, She has moved there with the thing she calls her boyfriend. And with the way she talks you would think they are living in the promise land. "mom we have rented a house , It is so nice." I think , good not sleeping on a friend couch, which her and thing was doing when they first got down there.

My daughter warns me that the house they have rented looks bad on the outside by it real nice on the inside. I am not sure what she calls nice BUT this house is far from nice. I have seen dumpsters that were nicer and cleaner and smelled a way lot better.

There is duct tape holding the front door together and I mean A HOLE ROLL of duct tape. There is also duct tape around the bathroom sink and on almost every corner of the house. Even parts of the floor have duct tape to patch up a hole. The kitchen is not fit to have dogs live in it. there is garbage all over it.. AND SHE SAID SHE CLEANED before we got there.

I can get past that they sleep in the living room on a fold out couch, they do not have a bed and even I would'nt sleep on the floor and the couch is comfortable. Or that she had not toilet paper or food. Even the best of us have been there. BUT!!!!!!!

I told her there is NO WAY my grandson is living in this place until it is scrubed clean. I can live with the duct tape holding things together. at least they are together. BUT the filth has to go. The kitchen sink and one counter looks like it is growing grass on top of it. OMG!!

She got mad but she knows I am right. we stayed the week end, I told her I would come again with him in a few weeks. I know she misses him alot but I also think she likes her freedom.

The babys father has moved in with me , I had him do that because my daughter wanted to leave the baby with him while she moved to another state and 'get settled' and I wanted to be able to keep an eye on the baby ( and the father with the baby) so I am not doing it all by myself. My grandson LOVES his daddy and I know that the father loves his son. I know I have called him low life before, but he has come around. He may not be paying for things but he is doing 99% of taking care of his son. I have to give him credit for that.

I sometimes feel like a broken record. Complaining about my daughter.

But what ya going to do..!?

I would like to this is the straw that has broken the camels back. (me being the camel I guess). But she has never really done ONE things that has me not wanting to talk to her. It is more like a number of things that has brought me to this point.

The yelling and screaming (of course I do a lot of yelling and screaming too). The demanding that I help her. Take the baby, Take her shoping, (with her own money but I HAVE to drive).

I bought her car. Some say I was out of my mind to do even that with the way she treats me, but it was only a 100$ so I figured it was not that bad.. Well of course, to her it was not a good enough car "I don't want that piece of crap". Not greatfull that I was able to buy her one, any one but not the right one for her..

Wouldn't let her drive it until she paid to have it insured and taged and plated. "what! I have to do that to.. What do think I am.? The cars in your name mom, you pay for it.". In my name to keep the insurance cheaper of course, but not greatfull about that..

Car would not start of stay started so I put it in the shop and because I have no money I have to leave it there until I can pay to get it out. Car guy is ok with my leaving it in the parking lot until I can come up with the money, Very nice man.. "BUT mom, I need MY car, My boyfriend needs a ride to work and a way back and for the work and what do you expect him to do now.? You know you have the money and you are just not giving it to the car guy.. you are such a B*T*H"

So you better believe that I am selling the car the first person that wants it and she and 'the boyfriend can WALK"!

She has moved out of course and is living in the hotel where she works. Gets a really good deal from the owner, 100$ a week and covers everything, lights, water cable, phone, and you know she is doing her laundry cause she works in housekeeping. I like it there cause it is safe and clean and the owner called me to make sure I was ok with her moving in there.. My daughter told the owner "but im 18, I can move out and move in where I want". the owner:: "I dont care how old you think you are.. I am still calling your mother". Thank goodness someone is on my side..

Well after having had enough of her treating me like dirty under her feet I have decided to 'walk away'. I told her 'you keep saying you want me out of your life.. Well, I'm giving it to you..". "go be an adult' ..

Its killing me not seeing the baby but it this is what has to be to 1: keep my sanity and 2: keep me from beating her head against the first thing I can find... Then so be it.

I pray every moment that she will see that I do help her (especially when she has to walk somewhere cause I am not there to drive her, like the bank or the store). and will call and somehow say she is sorry or what ever is closed to that that she can bring herself to say..

I also pray that she will see that I am NOT that enemy that she makes me out to be.

Maybe not having me around will show her that life was a little better with me around ..

So now my 17 year old is trying to tell me what she thinks is my job.. Or my responsibility are. Such as buying food for the house..

She has informed my because I make the most money in the house that, that it is my responsibilities to buy food for the house.

Thank you very much... I am well aware of what my job and responsibilities are.

Might I also say that this is the 17 year old with an olmost 2 year old.

I might also say that, that 2 year old eats VERY well because of ME.. I also eat very well because of me..

I have told her I refuse to buy her food when she gives her money to guys she is dating and buying new cell phones for herself when she gets 'bored' with the old one.. Or when she is coming in with clothes and what nots.. AND not putting money in the bank like she is suppose.

Tell me what my job is...? You can starve..

Call me evil... I can't beat her (tho I think about it often ).. Can't ground her..Can't kick her out..(yet). I have to do something..

On a good side, she has finally gotten her G.E.D. YIPPIE!!!! Everyone Pray she goes to college..

Who will ever forget that hair and those eye lashes..? Larry King ask her what will she be remember most for and she laughly said her eye lashes.. She is so right.. I will remember her for her love of god and people and the love she had for her ex husband Jim Bakker when all went to poop with their ministries.. I knew god forgave them as i did..

This poem gives me comfort when a loved one it lost. Even tho I have never met Ms. Tammy Faye I feel the loss of a good person and a child a God. She is with him now and for that I am very happy for her.

Weep not for me though I am gone
Into that gentle night
Grieve if you will, but not for long
Upon my soul's sweet flight.

I am at peace, my soul's at rest
There is no need for tears.
For with your love I was so blessed
For all those many years.

There is no pain, I suffer not,
The fear now all is gone.
Put now these things out of your thoughts,
In your memory I live on.

Remember not my fight for breath
Remember not the strife
Please do not dwell upon my death,
But celebrate my life.

Today is the offical day that our new onwers are our owners. Let the firing being... Yep, I said firing.. My boss is gone. His aunt, which has nothing to do with her being let go, (yeah sure) She is our breakfast lady and the new owers have decided that her getting paid 10$ an hour is not a good thing to just be doing breakfast and that we (being ME) and someone in housekeeping will be doing the breakfast... This should be lots of fun. Take some one in housekeeping, pay them for one job, make them do two. Along with that tell this person that instead of coming in at 8 am like the have been doing they now have to come in at 6am. Yep, that person is going to want to stay. !

Also to go is our maintance man that works four days a week. Him I can sort of understand, mostly cause he really does not do anything and we have to pay outside people to do the work he should be doing. But this just sucks big time anyway.

Others to go will be a few people in housekeeping. Our head housekeeper is one of them and our assistent head housekeeper is another. Both of which have been with the hotel for over 9 years. Arnt they nice to do that. At least it is not christmas. One of the ones to NOT go is the mother of the head housekeeping . Yep, shes going to leave right alone with her daughter. A few of the other housekeepers will leave when our head housekeepers is let go. Loyalites baby, loyalites!! Just got to have some of them once and awhile .

Do I worry about my job?? HELL YES!! Just finished a cover letter to go with the resume' I just updated. A few dollars in the bank. My daughter working, so she can pay for herself and the baby and my boyfriend said he would feed me and keep me in pepsi until I found another job if I get fired.

I will have to say that some of the things that the new owners want to do. Do sound good and will be a good thing for the hotel in the end, weather i am here or not.

It still,( having been here for almost 7 years), feels like someone coming into my house and moving my furniture around and I have to live with it. Dont' like it but trying to deal with it.

I will stay until they make me leave, I find a better paying and benifits job or it gets so bad here that I will not care if I have to live in my car.

Wonders of wonders!! We have a new owner forthe hotel I work at. I would say Yippie but I have only had the oportunity of meeting him once. So far he is ok, but time will tell what he is like in the furture. You know how it goes, New owners are always nice and all,! then they start firing people and lowering ever ones pay. We Shall see how things go.

As exciting as having a new owner to have to deal with as little as I would have to pales to what has happen with my pay check.

I am still very confused about the whole thing. Since we have the new owner the old owners are ending there payroll with us, giving us a week of a paycheck that will be the last we get from them. Cool cause we get paid ever two weeks, So some us are thinking cool we get a paycheck a week ahead of time. NOPE!! DON"T THINK SO!!!

I get my 0$ pay check with a nice little not saying since I have a balance of over $600.00 that I still own them for IOU's they will take my last paycheck and 'write off the rest' as a loss.

Confused ?? Yes, as times I have, like everyone us at the desk have put an iou in the cash draw, mostly 10, 20 or 50 is we are desparete for cash, it gets taken out of our paycheck everyother week. Accounding to the paper work i got from our payrol people, I have at one time or another had a balance of over 1 thousand dollars!!!!!

Still confused?? I ask my boss, whosends his payroll for the hotel to the payroll people, what the heck this is.? I have NEVER owed the hotel any more then maybe 600$ at one time and that was years ago that was paid off in about two months time. He looks at me with the 'im a stupid and an as ass look' and gives me 'Its not me , its the payroll people. Ok.? So there paper work is off.? Right.?? NOPE, NOT AT ALL!!!

Even more confused.? Seems from the paper work i got from the payroll office I have,since 2003, IOU'd in the cash draw 150$ 200$ and more then once 350$.

I go up to them and say, WHAT?? I tell them someone is lying to them, I have never taken that much out of the draw at anytime. they tell me that they are getting this amount from my boss, he send them the paper work for our payroll with what ever we have IOU'd, they put it in there system and take out of our checks what ever our boss says to, like 50$ or 100$.

I never keep records of what I IOU'd so i have no proof, Mentaly I know I take out a 20 or a 50 so I know I don'towe more then maybe 100$.

This has not just happen to me but to two other people at our front desk. You can not believe how pissed we are at our boss. He LIED. We NEVER borrowed all the money. But since we have no proof we screwed.!

I am soo pissed that I have started looking for another job. I can not keep working with him after this.. He lied and he knows it and we at the desk know it.

I am greatful that I have money in the bank the help with the loss of a weeks paycheck, thank god it is only a week, So I am good until we get paid again next week, but that will only be for a week also and then after that it goes back to every two weeks like before. I might be late on paying a few things but nothing will get turned off. One of the other girls at the desk has her boyfriend that is taking up the slack for her for the week and the other one has her parents help.

But what would have happen if we did not have the help we do..?

Our boss is sitting up high with what ever he did with the money we know he took, Which may come out to only around 3 or 4 thousand and you never know he might have paid bill for things in the hotel.. We have thought about that.

If we had not had the help we do with covering what ever money we need. Like if we had no one and we needed every pay check no matter what. What then.? I am SOO pissed off at him.

I know I could some how go to a lawyer but after paying them with money I do not have what good would it do.?

So I sit here and complain to other thanking god I have some money in the bang and you better believe when and if I ever need to borrow a 20 I for dam sure am never going to put another IOU in the cash draw again.

We that go screwed at the desk along with houskeeping cause they got screwed over with not getting there vaction time and our boss LYING and saying that the new owners HAVE to pay them their vaction time, we found out that they do not have to pay old vacation time and we may never get it from our old owners,we are banning together to let the new owner know what has happen and how very pissed we are at our boss at what he has done to us. Bad Karma be damed, I want him gone.

Who wants to know how my week went? 

Where is Marty and his time machince when you need it.?  I want to go back in time and start this week over again. 

Lets start with the failed drug test.  My daughter of course is on probation.  I like to say just until she turns 18, which is in 7 months.  She has to get her GED, keep her job, pass a drug test when ever it is given, all that good stuff you get to do on probation.  Not that I would know I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON PROBATION. 

Well today we do see her probation officer like we do ever friday,  How she doing, what she doing, could she being doing something else.?  Things like that.  And of course the , here pee in this cup.   Big Fat FAIL!!!  Ding Batt didnt even try to say anything like 'I have do idea why its positive". Just sat in the chair with her usual I dont give a F*** look. 

For the good news,  She is on house arrest until she can pass another drug test,  I of course get to play with her until then, but I dont have to stay in the house, just her,  I can leave and not see her, Get the baby in the car and leave.  Called her P O every name she could think of, not in front of her of course, when we go in the car. 

Ok, on to the unexplained Bruises and Marks.  Prepare yourself, these are on the baby.  Yes, I said baby.  I have him during the day on the week end when day care is close,  we are having our usual fun and I do to change him, Much to my shock and horror he has very larges marks and burises on his ass, yes, I said marks and bruises on his ASS.  He is not in any pain so my shock and horror I keep to myself, I finish changing him and we play the rest of the day.  I go to pick up his mommy and ask her very calm how , where and when did he get them.  "what bruises mom,?"  "the bruises on his ASS you stupid rotten mother"!!  YES! I did say it that way .. We get home she looks at his butt and is very calm about the whole thing.   

To keep me from putting bruises on my daughter I tell her if I EVER see anything like that on him in anyway shape or form I will take him from her, permit.  I got the usual F you mom.  "try me little girl, try me,  I can show you how much of a B**CH you think I am". 

On an outting one day with a girl a work with I see the A$$ hole that she is been seeing, the one with the five kids, no job and girl friend at home.  lucky Luck me.  He is in his car at the gas station and alone. 

Guess who walked up to him and very softly said to him if I ever find out that he has laid his hands on my grandson I will BURY him.   

 I told my daughter until further notice my grandson was not allowed to go over there.  She didnt seem to mind which of course makes me that she of course knew the marks were there, She changes him for christ sake, and that he did them or some one there did them or she did them which is a whole different issue that her and I got into, and that would take pages and pages to talk about. 

I just can't wait to spend a whole lot of time with my daughter until she passes her next drug test.  What fun that is going to be.  As least my grandson will be in eye site at all times. 

How was your week??

If you have read my past blogs you will remember that my 17 year old is dating someone else's boyfriend and I am trying to deal with that.

NOW, she tells me her and him are going to the mall on Friday. She did not come right out and say she was going to spend money on him. She gets paid on Friday and I said to her "don't spend money on him".. She says the usual 'Its my money, I will spend in who ever I like".

She has been working her butt off and making around 250$ a week and for a 17 year old I think that is wonderful, especially a 17 year old with a 1 year old that she has to pay for.  She has been doing that very well.  I almost have to pay for nothing..  I hate saying she is a bad mom because about 90% she is very good.  It is the last 10% that she would rather be at her boyfriends house then take care of her son or even take him over there.  I would understand a little but he already has 2 kids that live there with him,  (and his girl friend and his mother)  so it is not like he does not know what it is like to have children around.  Or that she would rather have her son in daycare ALL day then have him at home.  Day care ends at 6pm and she mostly gets home at 3:30 or 4pm.  She starts work at 9am and daycare opens at 6am, I get off work 7am and she is screeming at me to take him.  It is not like she does not know how to take care of him or if he is hard to take care of.  When she does have the baby and it is just her and him and me some where in the back ground she is perfect with him.  Does EVERYTHING and MORE that she is suppose to do.  I am proud of her then. 

It is just when it comes to having him around this guy, she wants almost nothing to do with him.  And I know it is not cause of something he has done or at least nothing she has said about him.. 

I know if I say something to this guy it will just get back to her and make things worse.  Part of me  is saying that I should just leave it and let her run out of money and not get her anything if she insist on spending it on someone that has no job or money and already has a girl friend.  The first thing they did when she got paid was go out to eat.  Then it was off to wal-mart. 

She's been giving me gas money, cause she does not have her a car yet and pays for her own cell phone minutes and she has been buying diapers and what ever the baby needs. 

How do I become the parent that just lets her fall flat and say later 'I told you so' I have a hard time being that parent that does nothing when there child is messing up .  I know some can but I I have to be the one that screams and talks them the death about things I do not see going right.

Well, Low Life is in lock up, AGAIN,  Ask me why..?  He was 'with a friend' in Low Lifes van and a state trooper decided to pull them over and Low Lifes friend, who he said was driving, If you want to believe him, decided to run from them.   He is now having to finish his parole in lock up which is either 10 months or two years I don't know. 

Wonderful you think.?  NOPE,  This is were it gets worse. 

My wonderful daughter has decided to attach herself to another guy that I can say is MUCH WORSE..

This one already has a girl friend.  Yes, that is what I said.!  I know this for a fact because he LIVES WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!!  OH MY GOD!! does not even cover it. 

It gets better..  He has two children by this live in girl friend.  AND!! has no job..  What love for the man she has..!! 

One of the best parts is this 'guy' and his girlfriend live with his mother in a two room house. 

ALL the 'what the Hell are you doing"? and " He's messing around on her and he's going to mess around on you".  I even tryed the "you are so much better then this and can do better and should have a man that is perfect for you" I even tryed the " How would you feel if you were the girlfriend" None of them seem to work.  I am at such a loss!!

She didnt' even give me the usual of him not liking his girlfriend anymore, or the she wont leave him, or Im much better then her crap.  None of that.  All I get from her is I do not understand and its none of my business. 

You have no idea how dissapointed I am in her.  I know she is 17 and should be able to make up her own mind about who she wants to date or not but THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP??  WHO THE HECK IS SHE KIDDING??  WHAT KIND OF PERSON HAS SHE BECOME??

I keep trying to think back and see if I have done anything to give her the idea that this is ok,  Have I done something in my past that she might have seen that would have her come to believe that this is excusable.  I CAN NOT think of one time.  I have from day one made sure she knew that she ( and I ) are to be treated with respect from men and us treat them with respect back.  That we are only to have men in our lives that are good for us and will bring (emotionally) good things into our lives. 

 Part of me feels really bad for the guys girlfriend..  Either she is really slow and has no idea what is going on or is so enmered with this guy that she is letting him get away with anything.  Or she is scared to stand up to him in fear that he will make her leave and she has two kids and that thought just scares her even more.  Which ever it is she is the one that is in the end getting to worsed done to her. 

I pray that is will end and/or my daughter will realize that this is just WRONG.  Maybe, I dont know. 

The whole thing just make me cry and cry. 

So.. we all have been watching what has been going on with Anna Nicole Smith and where she should be buried. Howard says one place,  her mother say another place, Does Larry Burkheard care about that or is he just wanting to prove that Dannilyn is his.?

All this makes me glad that I update my will and have a Living Will also. 

Even tho I have one only daughter my will states very clear that in the event of my death (at 120 years old ) All my assests are to go to my children, not child but children,. It also states my children as adopted and/or step children or other wise stated at my time of death.

The Living Will I have is the kind you have if you get into an accident and are in a coma.  It is suppose to tell people if you want extream measures taken to keep you alive.

I tell everyone that I WANT TO BE HOOKED UP TO MACHINES UNTIL THE END OF TIME.. To keep me alive. I WANT extream measures taken.!   Most people I tell think I am just weird. I dont care.  Stick me in a home with tubes everywhere until they find a cure for me and bring me back to life.  !

I feel sorry for Anna Nicole.  She was a product of her enviroment.  But I also do not believe she was a stupid as people would like to believe.  I dought be married Howard Marshall cause she like his bed side manor.  He had money and that made him VERY attractive. 

Yes, I am glued to the tv every morning to watch the trial to see where Anna will be buried, which I think should be next to her son Danial.  I want to find out that Howard K is not her daughters father and that Larry is.  I feel bad for her mother.   No matter what kind of relationship she had had with her daughter in the end, she was still her daughter and should not have to be putting her in the ground.

Shows you how much of a live I have right now. Which I am think is not that bad.

You ever have one of those days where at the end of it you are like "that was a nice day".. 

Well, I had one today.  Lately these do not come around that often so I notice them when they do. 

It was not as if the whole day was 'yeah, what a wonderful day' it most like little moments here and there.

Of course this involves my daughter.

It really started last night when I was taking her and the baby back to Low Lifes apartment.  She was telling how Low Life wants to move to where his father lives because there is more work. This town is only about 20 minutes from where we are now but it is still 20 minutes away, (FROM THE BABY!!)  I look at her and say "and"  She tells me she told him she is not going with him ,YIPPIE, I say, (very calm) 'does he care'? She says no and she does'nt even if he did. 

I go YIPPIE in the car while I am driving and tell her I m going to buy her a really nice car.

The other nice moment was today when we were in the car on the way to take her to work and the baby to daycare.  She has to make a budget for the judge she is going to see next month to ask for permission to move out on her own.  I made a templet for her to just fill out, One with her and Low Life and one with her by herself.  She tells me she is just going to fill out the one for just her because when she can legally move out she is not going to be with Low Life anyway. 

This time I just go YIPPIE in my head, cause of course I do not want to tarnish this and make her want to something different just because I am happy about it.  You know how she can be.  Dont do it even if it is perfect just cause mom likes it. 

The last was when I went to pick her up. Of couse Low Life was no where to be found.  No gas to take her to work or the baby to daycare but enough to run around with his friends and not come home until midnight. 

Her and I are talking about the witness protection. We can talk about the most oddest things.  She tells me it might be cool.  I say yeah for her and the baby but I would go nutz.  She says 'yeah your right, I wouldn't be able to see or talk to you'. 

CLAP,CLAP, CLAP, APPLAUD, CROWD SCREAMS YIPPIE!!!!!!

She likes me, She really likes me.

This just makes my whole day.  I am not sure if she will leave Low Life but I can always hope.  She may have a change of heart and want to stay with him. But with this I can see that she see's he is not what he is suppose to be and unless he grows up she will do what she has to do for her and her alone and the baby.

This day SUCKS BIG TIME.  Low Life went in front of the judge and of course they let him out and come home.  I am WAY NOT HAPPY about this at all.

It is like a complete turn around for my daughter.  Yesterday she was a little better but today she is like an alien has taken out and she is pissed off..  I knew it was him and this proves it.  We were starting to get along but the moment he shows up its back to fighting with her and I.

Im being tested arn't I.?  Or I have done something in a past live that I am being paid back for.  Which is it. ?

If I could get away with it or if she would let me I would just take the baby and never have to see her (that much). but of course I wouldn't and couldn't do that.

At least she cleaned up their apartment.  It was really starting to small BAD!!

She has not informed me she may not want to start college.  GOD!!  POOP POOP.  I wish I could cuse on here. 

 Im trying to not push and hope she will come to her senses and kick him to the curb and come back home. I told her as nice as I could tha my home was her home and there would never be a question about just bringing her things back home and if it ever got really bad that she could just bring the baby over and leave him there with me.  (I got a "i dont think so ) for that one. But she was ok with me telling her that she can come home any time the needs to. 

I wish my mother was alive, I would say I was sorry I was ever an evil kid and now I really know why she drank so much. 

I was watching a movie the other night and the ending of my story that I have been writing hit me like a ton of bricks.  I rush and find paper and pen.  Write the out line to the ending and I think cool, now i know how it will end.

The problem is I am having is with the begining and middle of the story.  I hate when this happens.  It is not nessessarly writer block but more like writting vomit.  I seem to keep writing and writing and when  I look at it, its like I have not said that much.  Then I toss everything and start over.  GOD I HATE THAT!!

But still I forge on.  I will finish, I will finish and it will be wonderful.  Maybe not the next great american novel but sometime close. 

Ok, I still sometimes wish I was a drink so i could block out most of what goes on during the day in my life and the lives around me. 

But I have decided to be postive this coming year.

LowLife is still in lock up, he is going to be back in front of a judge on the 18th.  I talk to his parole officer an was told that unless the judge charges him with something then him getting arrested will not be considered a violation of his parole.  I have also learned in this wonderful town I live in the county att. is going to ask my daughter if she wants to press charges against Low Life for demestic violence, if not then they will just let him go.  Is'nt that nice!?.  Where I am from neither party is asked if charges should be filed, the DA takes over and it goes from there.  Low Lifes parole officer words were "we're a little lacks here"  OH MY GOD.   So you know my daughter will say no she does not want to press charges against him and he will just get to come home.  CRAP!!

This week we were blessed with the return of two lost boys. One had been missing for 4 days and one for 4 years.  And can you believe some had brought up the question of Why didn't they try to escape.??  This is like asking a rape victum what she was wearing or why she did'nt fight back harder. 

My heart goes out to these parents and thank god that the boys have been brought home. I also pray that these parents do not even try and jusify this and maybe other stupid questions with an answer.

But like I said I am going to try and be postitive this year.  I have almost got it to where my basement will not flood. YIPPIE!  Just a puddle here and there.  Its been on the market for about 3 months now. I am so looking forward to finding a little apartment. 

I am trying to bribe my daughter with getting her to apply for a low income  apartment.  I told her if she does I will buy her a car.  I can tell she is really thinking about it.  She would love a car, so i dont have to drive her all over place.  Not that she does not like that but the freedom of car, she would love.  I told her Low Life and her could get a low income apartment cause of course he has NO job and she does not make that much at hers.  She is worried that they might not let him in because of his record and that they will make her keep it clean.  Both things I wants but never say. 

One can only hope, Low Life will leave and my daughter will get a nice clean safe apartment.