• 2Jul 05

  no, really, HIT me, it'd be better than listening

  originally written 6/7/05
  
  Anybody tune into this new show Hit Me Baby One More Time? The premise is to bring out bands from the past to have them perform one of their old hits and cover a recent hit. Then the audience votes who was best, and the bands sink back into obscurity once again. Seeing commercials showing who some of the bands were going to be assured I'd tune in: Flock of Seagulls, Loverboy, Vanilla Ice, Tommy Tutone, Wang Chung.
  
  I hit play on my TiVo for the first episode in the wee hours of this morning and found myself treated to low low production values. The show looked like something straight out of the late 70s! And be still my heart. When the first band was raised on a platform from below to take the stage, it became abundantly clear -- there would be no more hot tight red leather for Loverboy. A fat aging Canadian standing woodenly in the middle of the stage with equally unrecognizable people around him . . . aaaaaah, Loverboy of the new millenium. A "where have they been" segment indicated they're still performing some 100 shows a year. I guess we're all guilty of wanting to relive our past, performers and audiences alike, so why not go see these uninspired-but-decent-sounding Canucks? Maybe they're coming to a town near you soon.
  
  CeCe somebody was up next. The song was familiar, but nothing else about her was. But pitting someone whose heyday was 10 years ago against acts from 20 years ago hardly seems fair.
  
  Nevertheless, out from the depths next was A Flock of Seagulls. Remember the funkified hair and wacky glasses? Well, our beloved lead singer (who was the only original member onstage) is now a tired old guy in a workout outfit and baseball cap with a compensation ponytail down his back and a voice that should have gone into retirement years ago rather than trying to hold onto hits from the 80s. You hear the screams from the audience, Mike? They're screaming about the memories you're killing for them. It's going to be hard not to think of this sadness when hearing original Flock recordings. Sigh.
  
  Do y'all remember Arrested Development? They made rap even your mother couldn't hate. Weren't there something like 47 members in the group? Well, apparently only 5 had the foolishness to sign up for this ride. What was the lead rapper's name? Screech or something like that? He sounded almost as out of breath as I would have out there with my fat sorry ass. And again, this is a band from only a decade ago. Is that fair to Loverboy and Flock?
  
  The final performer was none other than the I-can't-believe-she's-not-from-New-Jersey Tiffany. I think she was trying to win votes by bending over in a low-cut shirt a lot, but who can say for certain. Hard to know what else to say about her. A no-talent from the 80s with no talent now. I could sing this well, but I'd certainly look even worse in that shirt than she does. The really good news is that she should have a new album out soon. It's always nice to have CDs come out that I can completely ignore at the record store.
  
  And the winner is . . . well, does it even matter?
  • Posted Jul 2, 2005 3:51 pm PT
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