I'll give you five bucks if you eat this penny.

• 24Oct 08

  Don't You Forget About Me! Epilogue!

  I've been through a lot this year. If I had to split my giant story into selective sections, 90%Z of which had song title parodies, it'd have to be something like this:

  Season 1: Amnesiac
  He's a maniac, amnesiac, that's for sure! Part 1!
  I'm Stuck In The Desert Without a Horse or a Name! Part 2!
  What's My Age Again? What's My Name Again? Part 3!
  Goodbye my Bruthah! Goodbye my Friend! Part 4!
  I Don't Remember, just what makes it so hard to... remember! Part 5!
  We are Family! Brother, Sister, we cannot be! Part 6!
  All the Small Men! Part 7!
  Somewhere Over the Rainbow! Part 8!
  Old Hard Witch! Part 9!
  Blast to the Past! Part 10!
  How to Save a Wife! Part 11!
  Her Story! Part 12!
  Point of No Return! Part 13!
  Mac and me maybe are no longer mammals! Part 14!
  A little story about Mac and Ryan! Part 15!
  His Story! Part 16!
  Hey Micky, you're so screwed, You're so screwed it blows my mind! Part 17!
  Prisoner of the Society! Part 18!
  Nowhere Over the Rainbow! Part 19!
  Knock, Knock, Knockin' On Kevin's Door! Part 20!
  This is a Story, about a man named Stikky! Part 21!
  Her Story 2! Part 22!
  And I will try to Pix you! Part 23!
  And I'm waiting for the real strife to begin! Part 24!
  Destination Unknown! Part 25!
  Search for the Holy Pail! Part 26!
  Only the Good Die Young! Part 27!
  Everybody's got a Hold on Rope, It's the last thing that's holding me! Part 0.1!
  My Dog's name is what? My dad's name is who? Part 0.2!
  As Long As I Can See the Lyght! Part 0.3!
  I'm Not Crazy, I'm just a Little Insane! Part 0.4!
  Oh, we're halfway there! Oh, four more flashes to bear! Part 0.5!
  This is Why! I Don't Like Mondays! Part 0.6!
  It's Been a Mad Day, Please Don't Take My Picture! Part 0.7!
  House of the Rising Sun! Part 0.8!
  What's it like when you die? Part 0.9!
  One Night, and One More time, Thanks for the Memories! Part 28! Season Finale!

  Season 2: Rebellion
  Let's See How Far We've Come! Recap!
  It's The End Of The World As I Barely Knew It! Part 29!
  Here I am, Losing my Election! Part 30!
  What's Dove Got to Do With It? Part 31!
  Say it Aint Joe! I Will Not Go! Part 32!
  Alive With The Glory of Dove! Part 33!
  I See A Bad Doom Arising! Part 34!
  Doctor, Doctor! I'm Not With the News! Part 35!
  SEX! Now that I've got your attention here's the next Micky Instalment! Part 36!
  You're so vain! You probably think this blog is about you! Part 37!
  Hey Micky, Look What You're Doing to Me! Part 38!
  Dove is in the Air! Part 39!
  His Story 2! Part 40!
  Tell Me That I'll Open My Eyes! Part 41!
  I Wanna Know! Have You Ever Seen The Brain? Part 42!
  Enemy and Irony! Part 43!
  I Ain't Sayin' he a Gravedigger! Part 44!
  Prisoner of Society (Redux)! Part 45!
  Their Story! Part 46!
  The Witch is Back! Part 47!
  The Roof is on Fire! Part 48!
  I'm Dreaming of an Alright Christmas! Part 49!
  Don't Waste Your Time on Me, You're Already the Vision Inside my Head! Part 50!
  Dove Shack! Baby, Dove Shack! Part 51!
  Just Don't Bite it! Don't Bite it! If You Don't Know What it is! Part 52!
  Her Story 3! Part 53!
  When Darkness Turns to Light, It Ends Tonight! Part 54!
  They've been Struck by some Smooth Criminals! Part 55!
  You have a boyfriend that looks like a girlfriend that I had last year! Part 56!
  And I Will Always Dove You! Part 57!
  Where is the Dove? Part 58!
  And the Shadow of the Day will erase the world in grey! Part 59!
  Trust in my self righteous suicide! Part 60! Series Finale!

  But I had no time to even think about that. At the start of the year, I was a regular bloke. One day while working at the weapon store, I was shot in the arm by a gun I'd never seen before. The bullet was removed but somehow I started having visions, and having weird impulses to stop them from happening.

  Things only got weirder when my visions took me to Sweden, where I met my new sidekick, Kemp, and together we unravelled a conspiracy that all of my visions were linked to the evil doings of a secret Society bent on destroying the world. Then things got way too absurd when trying to escape the clutches of some evil henchmen, I turned into a hawk and found out that I was an umption, which is an odd word for shapeshifter.

  Then the pivotal thing happened. I was tracked down by a new Society member named Newbie and shot point blank in the head. Fortunately, he didn't realise this gun didn't fire bullets. Unfortunately, it wiped out my memory.

  When I awoke in an odd place with no memory at all, of who I was, where I was from or what I had for breakfast the day before, I was confused to say the least. Being an amnesiac for an entire season (Spring) was odd, but I still managed to get sucked into inadvertently get sucked into fighting the Society. I met leprechauns, witches, and umptions (when I didn't realise I myself was one too), and me, my sister Alana, who I may or may not have bedded with when I didn't know who she was, and Kemp found out that the Society's main goal was to find the Holy Pail, which had powers beyond reason or logic. So we figured we may as well get to it first. This was easier said than done when Mac, a witch and a lover, was being held captive by Stikky, who turned out to be not only the leader of the Society, but also my father, and Mac's ex-husband and Society supervisor, Alex was tracking down the pail with help from martial arts specialist and umption, Brain. We all found the giant Pail at about the same time and ended up at a Mexican standoff in Sweden. We all battled, and there were a few casualties, including Mac, who accidentally faked her death. More importantly, the Pail revived my memory, and I remembered all about me, that I was Micky Clarke, and my plans.

  Unfortunately, when I snapped out of it, I learned that the Society had succeeded in getting the Pail, so we formed a Rebellion to fight the Society, only to learn of a greater threat - I had an evil twin named Jimbo that wants to destroy the world. Naturally this was a downer, so we trained at the House of the Rising Sun until it was destroyed, and then we found a new base at the Rebellion doctor, Olive Cox (or Doc's) apartment, until it was destroyed, and then we settled for an abandoned warehouse until three of our comrades' heads were delivered, which was when we moved the base to the Dove Shack, which was a shoddy cubby house from my childhood. Speaking of the Dove, our inventor, who has passed on since, created the Dove, a silver device that you shove in your neck to become super strong and beat people up.

  When Jimbo kidnapped Alana, I vowed to get my sister back, and when I had a vision that showed the end of the world, I figured Jimbo was behind it. So at the end of this disastrous, stressful year, on New Year's Eve at 11:59pm, I was stuck in a room with Jimbo, who had just killed Stikky (which honestly is one less thing I have to worry about), but he and the Society had killed all of our team members, except Doc, Mac and Kemp, who had a dagger with which to stab Jimbo. When I found out that the Holy Pail was going to destroy the world, and in a few seconds at that, I put in the Dove, threw Jimbo against the wall, and at the last second charged into the Pail with so much force that I was either going to blow up (which would have happened if I'd stayed in the room anyway) or that I had prevented the explosion and saved the world.

  Now that 2008 is finally over, hopefully 2009 will be a little better. Unfortunately, I'm still in the middle of crashing through the Pail at light speed so I dunno what's going to happen.

  ***

  "Huh?" I opened my eyes and found myself in a weird enclosure.

  "He's awake!" Kemp cheered, and Doc, Mac and Alana gathered around me.

  "Dude, you were awesome" Mac said. "You destroyed the Pail and caused it to implode on itself. It's crazy you weren't hurt"

  "I saved the world too" Kemp bragged. "I stabbed Jimbo a dozen times while he was unconscious. He won't be bothering us anymore.

  "And I burned down the Society mansion for funsies" Doc shrugged.

  "I did my part" Mac said. "I found Alana, and got her memory back with a spell that I wrote myself"

  "How did it end up working then?" Alana grinned.

  "So the Society's completely diminished, Jimbo's gone and the world is finally safe" Kemp recapped. "How are you feeling, Micky?"

  "Who's Micky?" I asked. "Who the hell are you guys, and why are you wearing nametags?"

  "Oh, not again" Alana groaned.

  "And that's what's called a full circle" Mac rolled her eyes.

  "Huh?" I repeated. I had no memory of who I was or what my history was, and why all these crazy people were talking about being vigilantes like it was cool. This was going to be a confusing year.

  And thus ends the Micky saga. We laughed, we cried, we cut off sentences in the middle of a concluding rant about the longest blog series in the

  • Posted Oct 24, 2008 7:02 pm PT
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• 17Oct 08

  Trust in my self righteous suicide! Part 60! Series Finale!

  Me and Stikky stared each other down, both confused about what to say after putting each other through hell in:

  Let's See How Far We've Come! Recap!
  It's The End Of The World As I Barely Knew It! Part 29!
  Here I am, Losing my Election! Part 30!
  What's Dove Got to Do With It? Part 31!
  Say it Aint Joe! I Will Not Go! Part 32!
  Alive With The Glory of Dove! Part 33!
  I See A Bad Doom Arising! Part 34!
  Doctor, Doctor! I'm Not With the News! Part 35!
  SEX! Now that I've got your attention here's the next Micky Instalment! Part 36!
  You're so vain! You probably think this blog is about you! Part 37!
  Hey Micky, Look What You're Doing to Me! Part 38!
  Dove is in the Air! Part 39!
  His Story 2! Part 40!
  Tell Me That I'll Open My Eyes! Part 41!
  I Wanna Know! Have You Ever Seen The Brain? Part 42!
  Enemy and Irony! Part 43!
  I Ain't Sayin' he a Gravedigger! Part 44!
  Prisoner of Society (Redux)! Part 45!
  Their Story! Part 46!
  The Witch is Back! Part 47!
  The Roof is on Fire! Part 48!
  I'm Dreaming of an Alright Christmas! Part 49!
  Don't Waste Your Time on Me, You're Already the Vision Inside my Head! Part 50!
  Dove Shack! Baby, Dove Shack! Part 51!
  Just Don't Bite it! Don't Bite it! If You Don't Know What it is! Part 52!
  Her Story 3! Part 53!
  When Darkness Turns to Light, It Ends Tonight! Part 54!
  They've been Struck by some Smooth Criminals! Part 55!
  You have a boyfriend that looks like a girlfriend that I had last year! Part 56!
  And I Will Always Dove You! Part 57!
  Where is the Dove? Part 58!
  And the Shadow of the Day will erase the world in grey! Part 59!

  Finally I opened with something witty. "This is insane" I said.

  "Oh really?' Stikky retorted.

  'Yeah, really" I contributed to the conversation.

  'And what exactly is insane about it?'

  'The fact that it's crazy... You know, I'm getting this weird feeling of déjà vu"

  "I don't care" Stikky said.

  "Just think" I instructed. "I know that's hard for you to do and everything but just think. Who's pulling the strings here? Who told you to do this?"

  "I'm the leader of the Society, it was my idea"

  "No, it wasn't. You want to rule the world, not destroy it"

  "Who said anything about destroying it?"

  "It's New Years Eve, and that countdown over there is going to destroy the world"

  "Nothing's that powerful. And besides, I have a trusty informant who told me how this mind control device will work"

  "Mind control device? How gullible are you? Jimbo has really screwed you up in the head. You know, more so"

  "How do you know Jimbo?"

  "That's a long story, but you've never seen him face to face. You don't know what he's capable of"

  "I know what he's capable of, he's been helping me for some weeks to perform the most tricky of tasks, and I consider him an ally, and the fact that you have something against him just proves my opinion of him"

  "Tsk tsk" A voice came from the corner and I spun around to stare me right in the face.

  "Oh crap" I said.

  "Who the hell are you?" Stikky asked.

  "I'm your ally" Jimbo pulled out a gun and blasted Stikky across the room. "Trust is for the weak"

  "Crap, I should have seen that coming" I said, then slapped my forehead. "I did see that coming!" The vision I'd been trying to stop coming true was now happening exactly like before.

  "Now" Jimbo said. "Time to get down to business"

  "Why are you doing this?" I asked.

  Jimbo just shrugged. "It seems like a good idea, people annoy me"

  I stared at the computer screen as the countdown started to beep and I realised the clock was down to one minute. There was darkness in the room, now that the sun had disappeared, and the only light was glowing from the computers.

  "What did you do with Alana?" I insisted.

  "Don't worry, she's safe. Well, at least for the next 50 seconds"

  Without thinking, I shoved the Dove into my neck and slammed forward, throwing Jimbo across the room.

  I rushed towards the computer and began looking for what it was connected to. Then Kemp spoke through the earpiece.

  "It's the Pail. The Pail is the bomb!"

  I concluded that he was talking about the Pail destroying the world, rather than being awesome in rap lingo. I sprinted towards the door, but suddenly got a dizzy spell.

  "Oh crap, not now" I said in dismay, and with that, I fell to the floor and slipped into a vision, with five seconds left on the countdown.

  ***

  The Holy Pail, in all its glory stood in the Society's yard when out of the blue, a spark flew off the Pail and engulfed the whole mansion. I was thrown up and out of the Earth's atmosphere to see the whole world blow up.

  ***

  Just as quickly as the vision started, I snapped out of it and went for one final attempt to save the world in the two seconds left on the countdown.

  With energy soaring through me, I sprinted at light speed, thanks to the Dove, charged through a wall so I was outside and rushed to the Pail, slamming straight into the Holy Pail just as it was scheduled to blow up. That's the last thing I remembered before the blackout.

  Is this really how it ends for Micky and the gang? Did the Dove prevent the Pail explosion, or was Micky's final attempt to save the world in vain? Will this be the final paragraph of rhetorical questions to ever appear on the series? Or is there one final twist that ties everything up in a nice little package? Find out in the last ever Rebellion instalment in the Epilogue, next week.

  • Posted Oct 17, 2008 5:48 pm PT
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• 10Oct 08

  And the Shadow of the Day will erase the world in grey! Part 59!

  "It's been three hours" I muttered, the three hours of course alluding to the time since anything interesting had happened since:

  Let's See How Far We've Come! Recap!
  It's The End Of The World As I Barely Knew It! Part 29!
  Here I am, Losing my Election! Part 30!
  What's Dove Got to Do With It? Part 31!
  Say it Aint Joe! I Will Not Go! Part 32!
  Alive With The Glory of Dove! Part 33!
  I See A Bad Doom Arising! Part 34!
  Doctor, Doctor! I'm Not With the News! Part 35!
  SEX! Now that I've got your attention here's the next Micky Instalment! Part 36!
  You're so vain! You probably think this blog is about you! Part 37!
  Hey Micky, Look What You're Doing to Me! Part 38!
  Dove is in the Air! Part 39!
  His Story 2! Part 40!
  Tell Me That I'll Open My Eyes! Part 41!
  I Wanna Know! Have You Ever Seen The Brain? Part 42!
  Enemy and Irony! Part 43!
  I Ain't Sayin' he a Gravedigger! Part 44!
  Prisoner of Society (Redux)! Part 45!
  Their Story! Part 46!
  The Witch is Back! Part 47!
  The Roof is on Fire! Part 48!
  I'm Dreaming of an Alright Christmas! Part 49!
  Don't Waste Your Time on Me, You're Already the Vision Inside my Head! Part 50!
  Dove Shack! Baby, Dove Shack! Part 51!
  Just Don't Bite it! Don't Bite it! If You Don't Know What it is! Part 52!
  Her Story 3! Part 53!
  When Darkness Turns to Light, It Ends Tonight! Part 54!
  They've been Struck by some Smooth Criminals! Part 55!
  You have a boyfriend that looks like a girlfriend that I had last year! Part 56!
  And I Will Always Dove You! Part 57!
  Where is the Dove? Part 58!

  "You'll find something" Kemp said through the ear piece.

  "Or someone" I pointed out. "Any luck on your end?"

  "Well, we still haven't found anyone to stab with the dagger you gave us. Are you sure you're alright without a weapon?"

  "Uh, hello. I do have the Dove, the most powerful weapon not known to man"

  "I thought the bomb that's destined to blow is the most powerful weapon not known to man"

  "Or the Pail" Mac pointed out.

  "Alright, I get your... point" I saw something that intrigued me. A flickering underneath one of the doorways. Since I always had a problem with doorknobs, I kicked the door in, to find a bunch of televisions with different rooms of the mansion portrayed on them. "Guys, they have security cameras here"

  "Why?" Kemp asked.

  "Uh, I dunno. Maybe because they're afraid a group of rebels will break in to foil their plot for world domination?" Mac said.

  "Yeah right. Who'd be stupid enough to do... oh"

  "So no luck finding anyone yet?" I checked for confirmation.

  "No"

  "Well, maybe that's because it's a little hard to find anyone when you're sitting in the kitchen, eating burgers"

  "Are you spying on us?"

  "Look, we're just waiting for one of the Society members to get hungry, that's all" Mac shrugged. At least I think she shrugged, it was hard to tell from the poor picture quality of the security camera.

  I suddenly saw a movement on one of the other cameras and recognised the hooded cloak that always hid Stikky's face poorly.

  "Guys, I found something. Look, we don't have much time. I may need backup, so Kemp, I'll be on the third storey, fifth room on the right"

  "The girls' bathroom?"

  "Oh..." I recounted. "Sixth door on the left. Only come in when you hear my signal. Doc, Mac, I need you to find where the bomb is. I don't care how you do it. Just do it quickly. Then let us know and get the hell out of here"

  "Yeah, I do want to go to that New Years' party down the road" Doc agreed.

  "We'll do our best" Mac promised.

  "I wish that filled me with confidence" I said, and made my way to the big room portrayed on the screen.

  I barged into the room, and saw that it was full of computers, dials and electrical equipment. It seemed familiar, as if I'd been there 18 parts ago, but at the same time I'd never been in the room before in my life.

  I surveyed the room, and it seemed that all of the computer stuff was dictating what the destruction sequence and stuff would be like. I noticed a giant screen to the side of the room, and numbers were slowly counting down.

  "A ticking clock? Could this be more cliché?"

  "Micky" Stikky turned around to face me. "I've been expecting you"

  "I had to ask" I rolled my eyes.

  And thus, the shortest part in months ends as I stared down my father, and the sun outside the window set behind the horizon. This was the beginning of the end. What was I saying about clichés before?

  • Posted Oct 10, 2008 5:34 pm PT
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