I'll give you five bucks if you eat this penny.

• 4Oct 08

  Where is the Dove? Part 58!

  After breaking into the Society mansion for the umpteenth time, and pointing out how lax the security there was after everything that's happened in:

  Let's See How Far We've Come! Recap!
  It's The End Of The World As I Barely Knew It! Part 29!
  Here I am, Losing my Election! Part 30!
  What's Dove Got to Do With It? Part 31!
  Say it Aint Joe! I Will Not Go! Part 32!
  Alive With The Glory of Dove! Part 33!
  I See A Bad Doom Arising! Part 34!
  Doctor, Doctor! I'm Not With the News! Part 35!
  SEX! Now that I've got your attention here's the next Micky Instalment! Part 36!
  You're so vain! You probably think this blog is about you! Part 37!
  Hey Micky, Look What You're Doing to Me! Part 38!
  Dove is in the Air! Part 39!
  His Story 2! Part 40!
  Tell Me That I'll Open My Eyes! Part 41!
  I Wanna Know! Have You Ever Seen The Brain? Part 42!
  Enemy and Irony! Part 43!
  I Ain't Sayin' he a Gravedigger! Part 44!
  Prisoner of Society (Redux)! Part 45!
  Their Story! Part 46!
  The Witch is Back! Part 47!
  The Roof is on Fire! Part 48!
  I'm Dreaming of an Alright Christmas! Part 49!
  Don't Waste Your Time on Me, You're Already the Vision Inside my Head! Part 50!
  Dove Shack! Baby, Dove Shack! Part 51!
  Just Don't Bite it! Don't Bite it! If You Don't Know What it is! Part 52!
  Her Story 3! Part 53!
  When Darkness Turns to Light, It Ends Tonight! Part 54!
  They've been Struck by some Smooth Criminals! Part 55!
  You have a boyfriend that looks like a girlfriend that I had last year! Part 56!
  And I Will Always Dove You! Part 57!

  Mac and I retraced my steps and stared intently at the tiled floor in search of the Dove.

  "How could you lose it?" Mac said incredulously.

  "Sorry, I was a little preoccupied with fleeing and saving Kemp's life" I rolled my eyes.

  "You'd think GT could have made a Dove that would stay in your neck rather than fall out all the time"

  "Actually, that's a good point. It's never fallen off before, maybe I bumped into something while I was running away"

  "Like your courage that was fleeing in the opposite direction?"

  "Shut up"

  "Oh, is this it?" Mac picked a silver pin off the floor and stabbed it in my neck.

  "Ow! No!" I ripped the pin out of my neck as it started to bleed. "That's not even shaped like a bird. It's probably some emblem that fell off someone's shirt"

  "Seems like a lot of metallic thingies fall off around here"

  "Yeah, maybe the Pail has some sort of reversal magnetic power that prevents metallic objects from sticking to anything within a radius of some distance"

  "What?"

  "I dunno. It's not like the thing comes with an instruction manual"

  "I wanna know what the hell those dudes were doing to the Pail. They had welding equipment and jackhammers and everything"

  "They can't do anything to it. Maybe they were testing it's invincibility or something. Maybe the Pail has a weakness"

  "What do you think their plans are for the Pail?"

  "I dunno. But I'm more worried about what the weapon they're working on is" I was still too ignorant to make the connection.

  "Where is everyone?"

  "That's what I was wondering. The mansion seems kind of deserted lately"

  "The smart ones are probably fleeing from the explosion that's gonna happen"

  "First of all, the explosion is going to destroy the planet. Where are they going to run to? Mars? And besides, the Society still don't know it's a bomb. They think it's some kind of mind control device or something"

  "That sounds complicated"

  "Yeah, I remember at the start of the year, when the biggest confusion in my life was why the gun shop I worked at didn't sell ammo"

  "Are you sure you dropped the Dove around here? I can't see it anymore"

  "Well, it is camouflaged since it's the same colour as the floor. What sort of arrogant nutjob paints his floor silver?"

  "Your dad"

  "It was a rhetorical question"

  "And I gave a literal reply"

  "Whatever"
  "What's the time?"

  "I dunno, 5ish?"

  "You've got a watch"

  "Not anymore, that fell off a few steps ago. I was too lazy to pick it up"

  "Wow, that Pail is powerful"

  "Yeah. I still don't know how it's Holy though"

  "I thought it was just a bad pun that the leprechauns came up with"

  "You're probably right"

  "What are you guys talking about?" A new person joined us.

  "Your eyes" I said.

  "Really?" Kemp was intrigued.

  "Uh, no. What are you doing here? Where's Doc?"

  "Well, you told us to be useful, so I suggested that we split up and try to find the bomb"

  "Wait, what? You let Doc go off by herself?"

  "Well, she was getting clingy. Besides, you guys were taking forever so I thought I'd help you look for the Dove"

  "So Doc has the sole objective of finding and dismantling a bomb while we look on the floor for a trinket?" Mac said.

  "No. She's also looking for Alana"

  "And it's not a trinket, it's a weapon, and the only thing that can help us fight the Society" I added.

  "What about the dagger?" Mac held up the dagger Shrimp had given us to kill Jimbo with.

  "Eh" I shrugged. "Those leprechauns don't know what they're talking about"

  "Found it" Kemp picked up the Dove that was in the middle of the centre tile.

  "What do you know? He is good for something" Mac said.

  I pocketed the Dove and sighed in relief. "Glad that's over with"

  "Yeah, now all we have to do is thwart your father's company's evil plans, destroy your evil twin and then save the world. Then you promised to take me out for ice-cream" Kemp reminded me.

  "Can I come?" a sinister voice said behind us. Mac, Kemp and I spun around. Kemp got dizzy doing so and fell over.

  "I thought I told you to find Alana, stop the bomb, kill Stikky and Jimbo and pick me up some ice-cream" Kemp said.

  "I'm a doctor" Doc said. "I may be good at healing people and making creepy voices but that's it. Besides I got bored and thought I'd join you guys. It was choc chip, right?" Doc handed Kemp an ice-cream cone.

  "Where'd you get that from?" I asked.

  "There was this big freezer around the back. There were a few bodies in there, but it was mostly ice-cream"

  "Anyone we know?"

  "Heard of rocky road or English toffee?"

  "No, I mean the bodies"

  "Oh, no, they seemed random to me, probably their latest victims in the Society's quest for world domination. I think I saw a President or two"

  "Well, at least some good has come from all this"

  "So did you find the Dove"

  "Do pigs fly?" Kemp interrupted.

  "What do you mean? We have the Dove" I pointed out.

  "I know. I thought we were all just asking questions"

  "It was starting to sound like an interview" Mac pointed out.

  "So what now?" Kemp asked. "Split up again?"

  "No, that hasn't worked out for us lately" I decided. "You three stick together and find out as much as you can that can stop this from happening. And I know this is impossible but be discreet"

  "What are you gonna do?" Mac asked.

  "I'm going to end this"

  "How?"

  "Oh. To be honest I hadn't thought that far ahead. Good luck"

  And with that I departed from the remaining Rebellion members and prepared myself for a showdown that probably won't happen for at least another five parts.

  • Posted Oct 4, 2008 7:12 am PT
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• 28Sep 08

  And I Will Always Dove You! Part 57!

  Since opening random mysterious doors seems to have been a habit I've picked up during the chaotic events of:

  Let's See How Far We've Come! Recap!
  It's The End Of The World As I Barely Knew It! Part 29!
  Here I am, Losing my Election! Part 30!
  What's Dove Got to Do With It? Part 31!
  Say it Aint Joe! I Will Not Go! Part 32!
  Alive With The Glory of Dove! Part 33!
  I See A Bad Doom Arising! Part 34!
  Doctor, Doctor! I'm Not With the News! Part 35!
  SEX! Now that I've got your attention here's the next Micky Instalment! Part 36!
  You're so vain! You probably think this blog is about you! Part 37!
  Hey Micky, Look What You're Doing to Me! Part 38!
  Dove is in the Air! Part 39!
  His Story 2! Part 40!
  Tell Me That I'll Open My Eyes! Part 41!
  I Wanna Know! Have You Ever Seen The Brain? Part 42!
  Enemy and Irony! Part 43!
  I Ain't Sayin' he a Gravedigger! Part 44!
  Prisoner of Society (Redux)! Part 45!
  Their Story! Part 46!
  The Witch is Back! Part 47!
  The Roof is on Fire! Part 48!
  I'm Dreaming of an Alright Christmas! Part 49!
  Don't Waste Your Time on Me, You're Already the Vision Inside my Head! Part 50!
  Dove Shack! Baby, Dove Shack! Part 51!
  Just Don't Bite it! Don't Bite it! If You Don't Know What it is! Part 52!
  Her Story 3! Part 53!
  When Darkness Turns to Light, It Ends Tonight! Part 54!
  They've been Struck by some Smooth Criminals! Part 55!
  You have a boyfriend that looks like a girlfriend that I had last year! Part 56!

  One more wouldn't seem to hurt, and since I was trying to find either the head of an evil Society or the man bent on destroying the world, both of whom are arguably related to me, if I was going to open any door, the one with a sign on the front saying "the enemy" seemed as good as any.

  Of course when I opened the door, I realised that I had misinterpreted the sign, as it was referring to the Society's enemy. I stared around the large room, which had photos and files and posters everywhere dedicated to the Rebellion and our various members.

  There were many thoughts going through my head, the most prominent being to find out how much they knew about us (although it would have been better if I'd walked into a room dedicated to the Society with as much information as this one) but something caught my eye on the far wall. I walked over and saw it was a board with all of our members' photographs, our full names underneath, and even I didn't know my team's names since we used codenames, but the photos were definitely of Slappy Bag, Dr Kickass, Corn Cobbler, Nanananana Pacman, Super Sexy Spy Specialist, Super Sexy Spy Specialist's Sister, Super Sexy Spy Specialist's Sister's Snake, Desert Dessert, Menace, Perminator, Mr Potato Head, Dyslexic Peet, Tyrannosaurus Sex, Poolmeister, Inventigator, Doc, Mac, Frogger, Blow Job and yours truly, Hawk Eye, a codename which I still hate to this day. What brought this collage to my attention was that the first fifteen photographs were crossed out in what looked like blood. I realised that this meant the Society had somehow found out Tyrannosaurus Sex, Corn Cobbler and Dr Kickass had died and assumed one of their members killed them, as opposed to the Jimbo they were all still ignorant of. I also realised that this meant after Menace, Desert Dessert and GT had quit earlier this week, they were still killed. I was glad to see Alana's photo was still uncrossed, though Jimbo had kidnapped her, so the Society just may not have found her body. Of course the four surviving, unkidnapped Rebellion members were inside the Society mansion which I realised was kind of stupid on our part.

  I also quickly realised that Kemp's undercover work wasn't fooling anyone since they would have all the Rebellion members' faces memorised.

  "Kemp, come in Kemp" I said aloud.

  "What?" Doc said back through my earpiece.

  "Is your name Kemp?" I said rhetorically.

  "No, it's Olive"

  "Look, you and Mac have gotta get out of here, I found a Rebellion Room. It has all our photos and files and stuff on us"

  "We're already out"

  "What do you mean?"

  "Well, you said we'd all meet back out the front at 4. It's now 4:01"

  "Is Kemp there?"

  "No, he's late too"

  "Okay, I'll be out in a sec. Kemp!"

  There was silence on the connection.

  "Kemp!"

  Finally Kemp's voice came through my earpiece. "We're spying. When we talk via technology, you're supposed to say 'over'. Over"

  "Look, this is no time to be focused on how to do our jobs. Did you hear what I said?... Over"

  "Nope, I've got a bad connection. I was assuming you were flirting with the girls again. Anyway, I've got a few Society members fooled. They're so gullible. They're going to lead me to the Dungeon of Secret Society Information in a minute. Over"

  "Look, they're not fooled. They know who you are. What are you doing now? Over"

  "Taking a dump. Why do you care? Over"

  "Where's the toilet? Over"

  "I dunno, there's like two dozen bathrooms in this place. Over"

  "How do I get to it? Over"

  "I dunno. Over and out"

  "Not out! I need to come help you. Over"

  "I still think I'm blending in. But it's about 14 doors down from some room that has the enema or something on the front of it. Except it's on the other side of the hall. Over"

  "You mean the 'the enemy'? Over"

  "I guess that's what it said, yeah. Over"

  "And that didn't strike you as suspicious? Over"

  "Eh, I wasn't paying much attention. Hey, dude, what the hell? You can't just barge in on a guy when he's sitting on the can. What are you all doing in here?"

  "Kemp?" I said. But there was no answer. I quickly jumped into gear. But as I started leaving the room, I thought better, reached into my pocket, where I always keep emergency deodorant for days when Kemp is unbearably stinky, and a lighter which I keep to keep my pyromaniac habits in check. I sprayed the deodorant, lit the lighter, and within seconds the Rebellion Room was aflame, destroying all evidence of us in the first place.

  Then I heard a loud beeping noise and realised I'd set off the smoke detectors. All this occurred in the timeframe of a few seconds, so I dropped my handheld flamethrower, which was weighing me down anyway, grabbed the last remaining object in my pocket, the Dove, shoved it in my neck and sped down the hallway, counting the doors I ran past, until I lost count at four, and ended up barging in on a random door, which luckily enough Kemp was being held hostage in.

  I grabbed the guy with a gun pointed to Kemp's head and threw him against the wall. There were five other guys in the bathroom, and within seconds, I'd cracked one's head on one of the urinals, drowned two in two respective toilets and thrown another two out of the room, and through the door on the other side of the hall, which happened to be the girls' bathroom, and a few women screamed "perverts" and started kicking and beating the two men.

  I picked Kemp up in my arms and ran out of the mansion, meeting up with Doc and Mac at the go carts.

  "What took you guys so long?" Mac asked.

  "Oh, you know, lighting a few fires, having a bathroom brawl, the usual" I shrugged.

  "You know I still think I had them fooled into thinking I was a Society member" Kemp said.

  "So that's why they were holding you at gunpoint?"

  "I figured it was an initiation thing. You know, not letting the new guy poo in peace"

  "Well, you were going to rest in peace if I hadn't saved your ass"

  "Speaking of my ass, I still need to use the toilet. Can you put me down now?"

  "Sure" I lowered Kemp back on the ground, before I realised that I could feel his weight. "Oh no" My hand went to my throat.

  "Look, if you want to keep carrying me, you don't have to choke yourself until I say yes" Kemp rolled his eyes.

  "No, I think I dropped the Dove while I was running"

  "Oh, that can't be good" Doc said.

  "That's an understatement" Mac groaned. "Alright, the Society already has one weapon, we can't give them another one. Me and Micky will go back in there. Doc, you and Kemp, I dunno, try and make yourselves useful"

  "You know, I still need to poo"

  "Everything comes down to poo with you, doesn't it?" Doc rolled her eyes.

  "So can I? I feel a bad case of diarrhoea coming on"

  "Shut up" Doc, Mac and I said. And with that, me and Mac went back into the enemy's lair, searching for a tiny silver object in the shape of a bird. Which wouldn't be too hard to find if the Society's floor wasn't made of silver. This was going to be a long day, with less than eight hours until the year and the world will end.

  • Posted Sep 28, 2008 7:48 pm PT
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• 19Sep 08

  You have a boyfriend that looks like a girlfriend that I had last year! Part 56!

  *Full song/blog title that wouldn't fit: Nobody told me that you have a boyfriend that looks like a girlfriend that I had earlier this year! Part 56!*

  If someone wrote a book about awkward silences, this would have to be in the top 3. For a complicated relationship that happened before the second season (by which I mean Summer) began and before all of:

  Let's See How Far We've Come! Recap!
  It's The End Of The World As I Barely Knew It! Part 29!
  Here I am, Losing my Election! Part 30!
  What's Dove Got to Do With It? Part 31!
  Say it Aint Joe! I Will Not Go! Part 32!
  Alive With The Glory of Dove! Part 33!
  I See A Bad Doom Arising! Part 34!
  Doctor, Doctor! I'm Not With the News! Part 35!
  SEX! Now that I've got your attention here's the next Micky Instalment! Part 36!
  You're so vain! You probably think this blog is about you! Part 37!
  Hey Micky, Look What You're Doing to Me! Part 38!
  Dove is in the Air! Part 39!
  His Story 2! Part 40!
  Tell Me That I'll Open My Eyes! Part 41!
  I Wanna Know! Have You Ever Seen The Brain? Part 42!
  Enemy and Irony! Part 43!
  I Ain't Sayin' he a Gravedigger! Part 44!
  Prisoner of Society (Redux)! Part 45!
  Their Story! Part 46!
  The Witch is Back! Part 47!
  The Roof is on Fire! Part 48!
  I'm Dreaming of an Alright Christmas! Part 49!
  Don't Waste Your Time on Me, You're Already the Vision Inside my Head! Part 50!
  Dove Shack! Baby, Dove Shack! Part 51!
  Just Don't Bite it! Don't Bite it! If You Don't Know What it is! Part 52!
  Her Story 3! Part 53!
  When Darkness Turns to Light, It Ends Tonight! Part 54!
  They've been Struck by some Smooth Criminals! Part 55!

  occurred, the awkwardness is a bit hard to sum up, but I'll try anyway. Before I lost my memory, or rather it was stolen from me earlier in the year, I was quite the hero, much like I am now, but a lot more anonymous as I tried to stop visions from coming true, before I even realised they were connected to the Society conspiracy, and later brought on Kemp as my sidekick. But literally the day before my vision, I was sleeping with a married woman, and I basically forgot all about her once the visions and weird stuff started happening. I hadn't seen her in person since, but before I got my memory back, she'd been in one of my visions that was almost a tour of the Society's lair, and she had been brought on as the Society's electrician, with the codename Lyght, who was incompetent and ignorant of the Society's evil plans. But once I got my memory back, I realised who it was but haven't run into her since, until I was caught in her office.

  Now how could this be any more awkward? Running into an ex-affair now working for the enemy after not calling her back for 6 months? I'll tell you. Since the last time I saw her, hallucination or real, she was a woman. Now Lyght was a man.

  Neither of us said anything for quite a while as we stared each other down. Then the door opened again and I dove behind a desk.

  Miles, whose codename was Yuumm, an old cla$smate of mine and weaponry expert, who was also working for the Society, but thankfully was still a woman, walked in, and as I peered through the gap in the desk, it took every ounce of restraint I had not to throw up.

  "Hey baby" Yuumm said, and kissed the male Lyght on the lips. "What's going on?"

  "Not much" Lyght said, her voice still feminine, so the sex change obviously wasn't completely operational yet. "I tried changing a lightbulb in the hall but it's obviously a three man job. Then I came back to my office to find Micky"

  "Micky? As in leader of the rebellion?" Yuumm said in shock.

  "No, as in mouse" I said sarcastically, standing up. "What the hell is going on here? There's some weird sex chamber next door and in here there's my ex-girlfriend, now a man, and my old ****ate, now shim's lover who are both hell bent on being part of a scheme to take over the world!"

  "Wait, were Bob and Jane using my T-Mart sex chamber again?" Lyght said.

  "We didn't exchange pleasantries" I said.

  "So what are you doing here?" Yuumm asked.

  "For the life of me, I can't remember" I said. "But it had something to do with saving the world or something"

  "You wouldn't happen to know what happened to Brain, do you? Nobody's seen her in days"

  "Uh..."

  "Because I don't mind if you killed her, it got her out of our relationship"

  "What?"

  "Oh, Lyght here was cheating on me with that hoochie"

  "I see becoming a man hasn't changed your infidelity ways" I said to Lyght. "Though if you wanted to sleep with women so badly, I don't know why you chose Brain, she was closer to a man than even you are"

  "What do you mean 'was'?" Lyght said suspiciously.

  "Oh, no, I'm not falling for the whole 'tell the enemy everything about our plan' trick"

  "Enemy? I'm just an electrician"

  "Yeah, and not a very good one" Yuumm chimed in.

  "Well, I didn't make a good woman either, people change"

  "If I can interrupt this lover's quarrel briefly" I said. "Can you tell me if you've built any more big weapons lately?"

  "You mean like that one that wiped out your memory?" Yuumm said nonchalantly. "Nope. Everyone's more focused on the big weapon"

  "Uh, isn't that what I just asked?"

  "No, you asked if I was making any guns or weapons. And I've just been making the usual. The big weapon is something very few of us are in on"

  "And what is it?"

  "Well, they're modifying it to control people's minds, and therefore control the world"

  "Modifying what?"

  "Look, that whole not falling for it trick works both ways" Yuumm rolled her eyes.

  "Well, the Society's being manipulated. Whatever the weapon is, it's going to destroy the planet"

  "Do you know how farfetched that sounds?"

  "And a weapon that controls people isn't?"

  "Guys, stop fighting" Lyght said. "Micky's just jealous"

  "No I'm not" I said. "I'm mad because you're both part of a corporation that's killing innocent people"

  "Hey, I just fix the wiring" Lyght said defensively.

  "Yeah, and I just make the guns that people are getting killed with" Yuumm's argument wasn't as convincing.

  "Okay, I've had enough of this" I said, and stuck the Dove into my neck. A surge of energy went through my body and quick as a flash, I grabbed Yuumm and Lyght, threw them into the secret entrance of the sex chamber, slammed the bookcase shut, then yanked the desk and pushed it against the bookshelf so that the two strangers, and two strange familiars would be trapped down there.

  I quickly got the hell out of the office and continued down the hall, listening carefully for anyone coming, but the hallway was still deserted.

  "Come in Micky" Mac said through my earpiece.

  "I'm already in" I said.

  "No, I meant can you hear me"

  "Oh"

  "Well, can you?"

  "Of course. What's up?"

  "Well, me and Doc are in the side yard, but we can't get close to the Pail"

  "Why not? It doesn't bite"

  "Well, there's like twenty people fiddling around with it or guarding it"

  "Why don't you use that paralysing power on them?"

  "I tried, the Pail seems to be a forcefield or something, because my powers aren't working on them"

  "Alright. I don't know why they're so protective of the Pail all of a sudden, you'd think they'd be more focused on the weapon"

  "Yeah. How's Kemp's undercover work going?"

  "I dunno, I haven't checked in, because if he starts talking to us, it'll look like he's talking to himself, and that'll make the Society suspicious"

  "I hear ya. Any luck finding Stikky or your evil half?"

  "Not yet. I did run into an ex and his girlfriend though"

  "What?"

  "Never mind. I've gotta get back to work" I opened a random door, and was shocked to see what was inside.

  What deep dark secrets are inside that deep dark door? Will anyone comment on this week's episode? Will I keep doing these random rhetorical remarks? Find out in the next instalment of Rebellion. Saturdays at noon and reruns whenever anybody clicks on the button that leads them to these blogs.

  • Posted Sep 19, 2008 7:34 pm PT
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