Okay so I got home a few days ago. I'm really happy to be back in Texas. Everything feels different and yet very much the same. My cats had to take a little while to remember me, but they're back to being their cuddly selves now. The plane ride was not bad. I actually ended up having a friend sitting in the seat behind me cause he layover flight was to Houston, which was really nice and made me feel less nervous. Plus I had someone to talk to.

I've mostly been just hanging around the house but there are some things I'm planning to get done while I'm here, mostly just routine stuff, nothing special, like getting my license renewed and seeing the dentist. I am going to the mall with my best friend Derek today though and then to Texas Roadhouse for dinner. I called him on Friday and we chatted a little. He thought I was in Colorado for the break. It's a long story. But anyway, I asked him if he wanted to go to the mall the next day and he freaked. He's like, where are you, and I said I'm in town. He's like, why are you here. I said, cause that's where my mom lives. He's like, are you lying to me. And I said, you know I'm not. And he's like, I hate you. And I said, you know you don't. And he's like, yeah. I'm so very happy to see him.

The one thing I'm not happy about is that I do't get to see Jeremy for so long, a little more than three weeks. I'm friends with him roommate Aubrey on Facebook and she sent me her cell number, telling me that he has no minutes on his phone, but that he's missing me like crazy, especially after reading my last status update on Facebook, which she informs him of. So I called her, and I could hear her saying, Jeremy I think there's someone who'd like to talk to you and I could hear him laughing. He was so happy just to hear my voice and we talked for about half an hour. He said he almost cried when he read my FB status, which, btw, was, Missing my old man more than anything. They call significant others and spouses old man and old lady up there, which is kind of disconcerting, being asked if Jeremy is my old man, considering that means father where I'm from. And also being asked if I'm his old lady, considering how much younger than him I am. But I feel so much better now just having talked to him a little. He used to call me everyday and we saw each other everyweekend and sometimes during the week as well. Things are going very well between us and I'm hoping and praying that they continue to do so.

Well I'll let everyone get back to their regularly scheduled programs now.

PS I just watched Ocean's Twelve. It was really good.

Just a little update on what's been happening lately. It's been 11 days since my last blog post.

It's finals week here at college. I just took my French final and I really don't think I did very well. I'm not too surprised because I didn't study very much. And it wasn't that I didn't know anything, it was that I didn't know what to say. It was a lot of giving advice and making sentences, which is always hard. I knew words, just not how I wanted to use them. That was my only test today. Tomorrow I have Calculus, which may or may not be easy.

I also have to go to the bank today to withdraw my tuition money. It's a little more than 4000 dollars, but I've got enough in my bank account. The problem is that it's due tomorrow and I'm such the procrastinator that of course I put it off until the last day. I also need to go to Walmart to get a present for Jeremy. I'm getting towels and jewelry, I'm almost postive. I've got enough in gift cards to get both. I'm leaving on Thursday, in three days, so I need to get it now so I can give it to him when I see him before then. I don't even know if he got me anything, but I'm in a giving mood. I'm going to wait until I get home to go buy something for my mom, cause it will be one less thing to pack. I'm trying to pack light so I don't have to check my bag. And that's all on the present front.

I'm very nervous about going back home. I know the house will be different, and I'm scared about flying back on my own. I get nervous even when I'm flying with someone, so to go to a totally new airport and fly by myself to the huge semi-familiar airport in Houston is pretty daunting. But I'm hoping that I'll be able to get through it with some of my new found confidence and independence. My fingers and toes are crossed.

Well that's what's up. Ciao for nao.

It feels so good to have finally accomplished something! Now I can cross this off my to-do list. My goal was to get to 15000 posts by the end of the year, December 31. And I did it a full 4 weeks early!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I need to make a huge to-do list. I mean really. I can't hold all of these things in my head all the time.

It's extremely hard to change your personality. I'm trying to change things bit by bit, just the little things that annoy me and others. I say stupid things, pointless things just to take up time sometimes and it's hard to stop myself. My personality comes through whether I want it to or not. I'm violent and sarcastic and ditzy and dishonest and lazy.

It's kind of a self-improvement project. Stop procrastinating, stop lying, stop overeating such unhealthy food. But my self-control is like zero, especially when it comes to chocolate. I'm surpringly patient but only when things will come eventually. Holding off on something completely is another thing entirely. Unless it comes to homework, essays especially. Then I could put that off forever. I could have a whole extra week of nothing else and still wait until the last minute.

I have been happier lately though, mostly because of the man in my life. I do not define everything by him, but he is in many of my thoughts and I constantly look forward to seeing him. It has been a little detrimental to my relationships with others, such as a few of my suitemates and my mother, who found out last weekend that I spent the night with him. Thankfully she thinks it was only the one time. He makes me feel safe and cared for and it's a good feeling that I've never really had.

The days are going by endlessly. It's like all I'm doing is waiting for the next thing. It makes me feel melancholy and tired and listless. I waste time until the next meal, the next bedtime, the next weekend. I am unable to motivate myself to be as productive as I would like to be. I feel like everything I do or say is wrong and unacceptable. I have very little going on in my life besides my computer, classes and Jeremy, not in that order. I feel rudderless.

Multiple people have told me, fairly recently, that I am a special person, a shining star, sweet and exciting and beautiful. But I just don't see it.

I'm unable to quiet the useless noise in my head and think clearly, or stop thinking at all. I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out; I can't get clean enough or smell right.

I've even lost the plot in this whole post. That's how fuzzy headed I've become.

So I went to Jeremy's brother's wedding last night. I got all dolled up and everything. His uncle Steve and his wife Amber picked me up from college. His family is kind of funny with ages; Amber is Jeremy's aunt but 3 years younger than him. But anyway. Jeremy's brother, Shane, the groom, gave us bad directions so we got lost on the way. We still got there around the right time, 2 hours before the wedding started cause Jeremy was the best man and had to get dressed in his snazzy tux and help set a few things up. I met his sister Martine and her boyfriend as well, who were both really nice despite what Jeremy says. The groom's side lost in the number wars though. We filled up two pews whereas Whitney, the bride, her side was almost full.

So I basically sat around feeling reallly out of place for a while. I mainly stuck with Steve and Amber, who reminded me of people I knew but I couldn't remember who exactly. The wedding finally started at 7pm, which was a bad time IMO cause everyone, inlcuding me and Jeremy, were getting really hungry. It only lasted 20 minutes and then the reception started. The cake was pretty but tasted horrible. The icing was rubbery and came off altogether. There was a chocolate fountain too and Jeremy stole the bag of chocolate chips they used for it. They tasted a little bitter though. He gave me his bountaneire as well but I lost it on the way out to the car. I did get a couple of roses from the vase though. They're on my desk now. Love 'em.

I'm sure there's more, but that's the gist. We got back late and I fell asleep in the car. I got very little sleep last night too, like usual. So I'm a little worn out and feeling a little down. I don't know if I'm cut out for this. It might just be too much.

*Pictures to follow soon on Facebook

Okay so I had a great time last night for Halloween.

I went over to Jeremy's place around 2, and met his grandma, which was awkward of course. His son was there this weekend too. I took a short nap cause I had a headache and then ate some chicken fingers for dinner. We watched Constantine, which I brought over cause he had never seen it. He loved it though; I had forgotten how good it was.

Afterwards, we went over to his brother's house to go trick or treating. It was me, Jeremy, his son, his mom, his little sister, his brother and his wife, and their three tiny kids. The oldest, who was about three, kept tripping over stuff; she fell seven times. And when we got back to their house, the middle girl, about 1 year old, sat on my lap in her little giraffe costume. It was so cute.

His mom took us back to Jeremy's house for the bonfire party he was holding for Halloween and his roommate, Aubrey's, birthday. His friend Tim was over first. He's got two friends named Tim and I thought this was the one I hadn't met yet. So I asked Jeremy why he looked familiar, and he's like, he's the one who gave us a ride up to his place a few weeks ago. And Tim's right behind me, like, well how drunk were you that you don't rememer me? I was a little embarrased, but whatever.

So they built up the fire and at first it was mellow, just a few people around and some quite chatting. I was bundled up in Jeremy's giant coat and a cap. Then more people starting showing up around 11pm, some I knew and some I didn't. There were some girls I go to school with still dressed up in their Halloween costumes. And that kind of stuff goes on for a while.

Some guy tried to hit on me while Jeremy was in the house doing something for the longest time. It was really awkward cause he was asking me about my old man, meaning Jeremy, and I was like, wtf are you talking about? He eventually got the picture when Jeremy came back outside and claimed me back. He was a little pissed when I told him what the guy was doing but he got over it.

Then Aubrey finally shows up around 1 or so, the second 1pm after setting the clocks back. She brought some tequila and Kahlua. I was one of about three or four sober people out of maybe twenty, including the DDs. And there was a lot of smoking going on as well of course, and I even helped Jeremy roll a joint. He also showed me how to fix a broken cigarette. But anyway. She also brought some silly string. She didn't get me the first time she came around, but then she got it all up in my hair in a second sneak attack. So then Jeremy gets the bright idea to throw the empty can in the fire. It made a nice flame though. He was talking about the different kinds of gases in the cans when there was a little pop from the fire, and he said that he guessed it was an inery gas and that was all that was gonna happen. Then like 30 seconds later, there's a bang and I jumped so much. The can actually blew up. A girl's flipflop got blown off her foot and the leg didn't even move. But Jeremy got hit on his leg. He had a black mark on his jeans and a huge bruise this morning. It was actually pretty hilarious.

Party started winding down after awhile. People kept leaving and coming back, then other people would show up. Jeremy put Aubrey in charge outside while we went inside for a bit, and when we came back out, she had apparently gotten into it with one of the guys. Bloody nose and everything. But me and him never got the whole story on that so it's still a little weird. Finally everybody was gone around five am, except for the couple of people crashing at the house in the other room. Me and Jeremy stayed outside cleaning up a bit and we watched the sun rise. Finally went to bed around 6:30am and I got like 3 hours of sleep. We ate breakfast and his mom gave me a ride back over here not too long ago.

Things are going extremely well with me and him, despite everything against it. It's a good connection and I'm really looking forward to seeing where it goes.

And now I'm gonna take a nap. I still have some homework to do and I need to find something to eat. I got me some muchies, a bit of a contact high from last night. Later.

Levelled up! Yes!!!!

I have no idea where it's from but I loved moving upward.

Just imagine the title as sung by Michael Buble and you'll get the gist of it.

So...I've met a guy. It may be too soon to even say this, but it could turn into a boyfriend situation. He's older and has some qualities that I never though I'd allow in a guy I dated, but it just bother me as much as I thought it would.

I originally met him three weeks ago at the local bar. He was just some drunk guy who started talking to me and the five other girls I went with. I ended up playing a game of pool with him and he gave me a bunch of quarters. Don't ask why, I wasn't too sure either. He asked for my number, but I honestly could not remember it and I can't make calls from my phone anyway, so I just told him I didn't have a phone at all. That's true about a cell phone though, I don't have a useable one of those. The whole night, he couldn't recall my name, he was so drunk. We made plans to meet up again at the same bar in two weeks.

Okay so two weeks later, last Friday, it turns out he's having a house party, which I didn't go to. He told me he remembered me, but not my name of course, so that whole night, once somebody reminded him he was supposed to have met me elsewhere, he was asking people as serreptiously as possible, by describing me, if they knew who I was.

So I actually went back to the bar Saturday night with a friend and her boyfriend. I met the guy again, whose name is Jeremy by the way. We talked and things just went well. Next day we made plans for him to come over to my suite Wednesday and watch SYTYCD in the parlor with me. It was very low key. He even brought M&Ms and Starburst. I love it when guys give me chocolate.

So yeah, we're planning to do something tomorrow. Probably just a movie, Transformers I think, cause I've never seen that, and he might teach me how to play video games, something else I've never done. And I'm gonna meet his son. I'm very nervous about that, but he assures me there will be other people there as well, so it's not intense or anything.

So yeah, that's it.

And I'm gonna go watch The Strangers now, so later.

Just a little update on how I've been and what I've been up to. If you really wanna know.

I've been watching more movies. Shakespeare in Love, No Country for Old Men, and I'v got Love in the Time of Cholera and The Constant Gardner lined up for next.

I'm planning on going out to the local bar either tonight or tomorrow night with a couple friends. I actually want to see the band playing this time, unlike last time when we missed the entire show by getting there more than two hours late.

And it's a three day weekend for me now. I just wish the weather wasn't so bad. It rained nonstop yesterday complete with thunder and lightning most of the night. And it's freezing cold today with wind and some sprinkling to make it that much worse.

But I am armed with my trusty umbrella and the knowledge that I only have to go outside 2 more times today and then can spend the rest of the day wrapped up in the warmth of my blankets. It's a mini-yay at least.

Well I'll soon be back.

Later.

Okay just a little update on how I'm doing. Right now I'm sitting in my suite just waiting for something. Anticipation for Dollhouse has nearly reached it's peak. Less than fours hours now or by the time anyone reads this, it may be after the premiere.

My quads are very sore from dancing yesterday. Hurts going down stairs and bending down at all, stuff like that. My right ear is feeling muffled, but I've always had problems there. It's starting to give me a headache though.

I'm trying to make a to-do list, but so far I've done nothing on it. Some of them are future, long-term goals of course, but I have very little head way regardless. Some are things to get done and out of the way, but it's mostly personal goals to change my behavior. I'm trying to gauge my self-control, or see if I have any at all. Just withholding certain substances and setting deadlines for activities. It's a difficult process for me because I'm such a chronic procrastinator but I'm attempting to change that, or at least decrease it. Homework has been getting down though. I was afraid I'd fall into my high school habit of never doing it, but it counts for so much more I'd definitely fail without it.

On a personal note, I was worried about being thrust into independence so thoroughly. I'm in another state, on my own for all intents and purposes. I do still communicate with my mom, but I'm getting little support, which is actually good. I'm afraid I'm too dependent on others and avoid leadership positions because of it. I'm looking for work, though not actively because there are very few job opportunities here. But I've been surprised how easily I fell into a routine here. I'm responsible for myself and my actions, and I've actually been keeping up with everything.

I want to be the kind of person who can stroll down the street with no fear. Accept things as they come at me and move on. Stop being such a wallflower and start living my life.

That's my life goal right there.

Here's hoping I make it.

...from my laptop! That's right, my own, personal, actual laptop. After being separated for 18 days, we are finally reunited. It's a joyous occasion.

Which was n early wrecked by me not being able to connect to the internet. There's a password you need to connect to the school's network and I had misplaced the paper for it. So I walked way across the street to see the computer teacher guy to ask him, but the building was locked. Then I realized that I had forgotten my keycard, which you need to get inside the buildings, like my residence hall. So once I got back, I had to bang on the door till the receptionist noticed me and opened it. On the way over, I had also gotten some real nice comments and whistles from some very skeezy looking guys walking the sidewalks. And then I nearly tripped up the stairs, of which there are three flights, getting back to my suite.

So now I'm tired and I finally found the paper, which is why I'm here! No more borrowing my friend's or having to sit in the over airconditioned computer lab downstairs with all the noisy girls and their craptastic music.

There was also a big poster sale as well. I had to restrain myself from buying a Klimt just for Sunday.

Anyway, just wanted to share my fantabulous news.

Later gaters

I am a Disco Stu! Whatever that means...

In other news, I have watched Blade Runner, American Gangster and Brokeback Mountain since my last post. Blade Runner is officaly the worst movie I've ever seen, American Gangster the most violent, and Brokeback Mountain...I don't know. I have some mixed feelings on it, but otherwise it was very good.

Next up: Shopgirl, V for Vendetta and Step Up 2: The Streets.

Later guys.

Well my first few days of classes are over. You know I thought college would be a good time to kinda change who I am. But I have found that I'm still the same me. I know it's only been a few days but first impressions are still important. Instead I've been holed up in my room, the library or the computer suite, like where I am now. In the part three days I've watched Dr Horrible, Commentary: The Musical, commentary for the first episode of Tru Calling, and four movies: Atonement, Crash, Across the Universe, and Lost In Translation. They were all very good. I rented I Am Legend, and Sex Lies and Videotape for the weekend.

I've been on Facebook more in the past week than I ever have been and it's almost surreal, cause I never thought I'd be the kind of person who says, I need to update my Facebook. I mean really.

But yeah. I feel so incredibly boring. And I must share it with you guys.

I haven't had access to a computer pretty much since we left. I found on Thursday night when I opened my laptop that it was messed up; something happened in traveling that, according to the computer teacher here, probably broke the LCD backlight. So we spent an hour on the phone with Dell, which was absolutely no help at all. So we had to drive nearly an hour to a bigger city to go to a Best Buy to get it looked at. It's gonna take close to a month to get it fixed. I had to explain to them that I was unable to drive back out there to pick it up, so they very nicely agreed to ship it back to me when it's all better. I miss my laptop terribly.

But I've been keeping busy with orientation and stuff. Classes start tomorrow, and I've got a pretty good schedule. I also made the Dance Company, which I had to audition for. They came to my room at 11:30 last night to congratulate me, but I had already been alseep for an hour and they got pictures of me lookig very sleepy in my PJs.

Been wathing my Dollhouse DVDs and finished the season and special features. I'm actually glad they scrapped the original pilot. It was too disjointed for me. And Epitaph One....OMJ. Amazing. I love things like that. I just wonder where they'll go from there. I'll be starting the commentary watch of Torchwood: CoE and for the eps of Tru Calling and TC's special features. I'll also be checking out some movies from the library; they've got a huge selection. And I watched Memoirs of A Geisha and Seven Pounds at this really nice bed and breakfast we stayed at. I read the book of the first one, and nearly cried at Seven Pounds. It lived up to it's hype.

So I'll be on more now that I have computer access at the library. I'm so happy to be back.

Ciao peepsies.

Okay, so it's taken me a while to recap Friday's events. Just proves that my title's real.

On Thursday, we'd planned to go out again on Friday after Gina and Derek got off work. Well Derek called around 6:30, asking if I still wanted to go. We decided to go eat dinner at Texas Roadhouse. He texted Gina to ask if she still wanted to come but she said her family was making BBQ, so she couldn't come. Or didn't want to. Said she'd maybe "stop by for desert" though. Shyeah.

I had some chicken appetizer, while Derek ate half a cheeseburger. I was surprised by how many people I recognized from high school.

And afterwards, it's around 8 something. We're sitting at a gas station while he shows me how to look at vids on his iPhone and watching the homeless guy walk down the road. He reall gets around And then we decide to go see a movie. I'm really excited about District 9, so we head to the theater. We're in the parking lot when I remember I don't have my ID cause I wan't expecting to go to the movies. We stand outside on the sidewalk, looking at the times, trying to figure out what we can buy tickets for instead. But they have the ticket takers on either side of the theater, instead of in the middle so we have to get one on the same side. I spy through the windows and see that Julie and Julia is over there, so we get the tickets for it.

We get inside and see that there is a line for District 9, so we can't just sneak in. We spend about five minutes arguing hardcore in the lobby. I mean really, it was close to blows. In the end, we go back out to the ticket booth, ask if we can exchange the tickets for D9 if I go get my ID and we get the okay. It's about 20 minutes till it starts so we race back to my house. The whole way there Derek is kinda wondering what I'm gonna tell my mom about why I'm stopping by early, cause she'd hate me to see such a gory movie.

Luckily she's already alseep so I unlocked the front door, slipped my shoes off and just walked quietly back to my room, got my ID and snuck back out. It's ten till and we speed back off. There's this thing we have to sign before we can switch tickets and then they checked them at the taker guy and right in front of the doors. There's even a cop. But we finally get in. The previews are running and it's dark, so I walk up the steps looking for two seats together while Derek lingers stupidly at the bottom. I end up finding some on the middle of an aisle past a bunch of really cute guys. And we sit down just in time for the show.

District 9 was really, really good. I recommend it to anyone unless you're squeamish, cause there is a lot of blood and gore and violence. But otherwise, amazing.

And that was Friday. Happy Gina?

PS: I'm in Oklahoma right now.

Okay, so I've been away from here for a few days, which is actually a lot for me. But you know I've been crazy busy, so hopefully you'll forgive me.

So Thursday, we had a guy come over to wipe the hard drive of the desktop so we could sell it in the big moving sale this weekend. The guy ended up making an offer on the tower, so it's gone which is good.

Then later on my friend Derek calls asking me if I want to see a movie that night with him and my other best friend Gina. I wanted to see Julie and Julia, but I got outvoted and we saw A Perfect Getaway, which was actually pretty good. It had some nice cinematography but it got a little overdone near the end. Nice plot though. But Derek was late in picking me up, like always, so we didn't get to the theater until halfway through the previews, which I love to watch. But we still got there in time; remember that.

So afterwards we stood in the parking lot of the theater for a good 30 minutes just talking and trying to figure out what to do next. It's always fun to people watch, and I commented on my Facebook (I almost hate myself for that line) on Derek's iPhone, something about watching a girl get killed. Yeah that was me. So we decide to go to Whataburger in the hopes that they're still open in the inside at 10:45. Gina drove her own car and went another way instead of following us. So me and Derek get to the Whataburger near our old high school (feels so good to say that) and we're just chilling for a few minutes waiting for her. Derek texts her asking where she is and she says she's in the parking lot. Turns out she'd gone to the wrong one. So we wait for her to get to us and we watch the cop five spaces over from us and the Mexican guys in the truck on the other side of the lot.

So she gets there and parks on my side and we chat with the windows rolled down cause the place is closed inside and we have to figure out what to do next. Gine kept giggling that we were doing a drug deal. Anyway, our next brilliant plan is to hit Walmart cause you know, they have food and stuff. We race over there and just walk around the whole place and Derek's got video of us going in and seeing that McDonald's is indeed closed. We decide to leave cause I have to be home soon and we saw a guy we knew from school.

And that was just Thursday. I'm too tired right now, so I'll update you on Friday's doing, which were slightly more hazardous, tomorrow. Adios amigos.

It's my 11000th post!! Woopee!

And to commemorate this occasion, her is my framed signed autograph thing from the season four So You Think You Can Dance tour. It's a little blurry and Gev's cut off on the right, but it is sill my favorite. I got Kerrington, Will, Mark, Jessica, Courtney, Gev, Comfort and Twitch to sign. Joshua, Katee and Chelsie didn't come out, unfortunately.