Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on?

Do you wake up or open your eyes first?

How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?

Why do we say "heads up" when we actually mean duck?

How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?

What was Captain Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"

Can a person with no ears wear glasses?

If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?

Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?

Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?

Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes
extra tempting to eat?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like
chocolate?

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law,
they come out to Woman Hitler?"

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?

Can mute people burp?

If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?

Do they have girl's bathrooms in gay bars?

Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?

If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?

Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?

If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn't you
be able to go anywhere you want?

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is
not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?