• 6Dec 09

  Look closely and you'll witness self-destruction

  Good evening you all.

  It's been awhile. A whole fifteen days. That's awhile. In those fifteen days I have managed to write one hundred and thirty-two blogs on my other blog. I am crazy on that thing. There are some days where I don't blog at all and then other days where I spent an hour writing entry after entry about whateverness comes into my head. I had a meltdown last Sunday I think. Or Monday. Either way. I think I wrote like 50 blogs about and I am barely exaggeratiing.

  *Sidenote. I am watching Zoey 101 right now. And Abby from One Tree Hill is on it. You know the girl with diabetes in 316.*

  Last blog. Obsessiver texting guy. Gone. Now dating Katie's other cousin who he met the same night as me. He backed off after Katie and Dylan told him to. And then he started dating Becca and they are "in love." They are old enough to be way past that falling in love after two seconds phase. Kat and Kaia. Still being lame. I talk to Kat but not really Kaia. They make me mad. There was a big long a$$ paragraph about me and Henry and our lacking of being friends. We have hung out twice this past week and talked quite a bit. It's like old old old times. He is even back to joking about us getting married. So that's all good.

  Lately. I have finals coming up. And as always I am procrastinating. Tonight I am writing my paper. I am. I am. I am. I am. And then hiding out in the library tomorrow and doing chem. And some geography. I am. I have to.

  Yesterday I was at my sister's basketball game and one of the mom's was talking to me and found out that I go to my school and she points to Treena and was like her brother goes there. I was like I know. Treena is Henry's sister. And she just started talking like crazy at me about how nice he is and all this stuff and obviously didn't understand when I said I know. I know him. Hahah. It was funny.

  TV. One Tree Hill is good. Good. Good. I really like it. Even though it's not really One Tree Hill anymore. Gossip Girl makes me mad. I hate Serena. Vampire Diaries, needs to be on. I can't wait for Glee this week. I fall more and more in love with Puck every episode. And I can't think about anything else.

  Are you an adult? Technically.
  How old are you? Nineteen.
  How old do you feel? Nineteen.
  Do you consider your self a grown-up? I am not a girl, not yet a woman.
  Do kids call you mr/miss/mrs? Henry stopped called me Miss and has moved onto calling me Ms. I told him I want to be Miss again.
  Did you graduate high school? That I did.
  Did you go to college? I am in college.
  If so, what is/was your major? Environmental Science.
  Did your parents go to college? My mom did. My dad did for a semester.
  Have you been back to your high school since you graduated? Several times. It always feel awkward. My face is on the wall. I don't like it.
  Do you still keep in touch with school friends? I have spoken to three of them today.
  Have you been to a school reunion? It's only been a year and a bit. I wish though.
  Do you plan to attend a school reunion? Yes.
  Are you single/dating/married/divorced? Single.
  Do you have children? No.
  If so, names and ages? They don't exist yet. Their names, however, do.
  Where do you work? I used to work retail. Now I am a full-time student.
  Are you happy with the carreer field you have choosen? So far, so good.
  Are you satisfied with your income? There is not one.
  Do you hang out with your co-workers? My former ones, I sure do.
  How many hours do you work per week? I used to work up to 35.
  Do you rent or own a home? I live in my Dad's apartment.
  Is your home big enough? Sure.
  Do you throw parties often? I should.
  Do you want to move? No.
  What do you do for fun? Bar scene.
  Favorite TV shows? One Tree Hill, Friday Night Lights, Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, Glee and Vampire Diaries. Currently airing favorites.
  Do you have a TVO/DVR box to record shows? Sure do.
  What size is your biggest TV? Large.
  How much do you spend on groceries weekly or monthly? Too much. I am a fata$$.
  Do you have pets? Not here. But at real home. Yes.
  What vehicle do you drive? 2008 Kia Rio.
  What do you like or dislike about your vehicle? Everything other than the color and lack of money is cost to fill it up.
  If you could back in time, what advice would you give yourself at age:

  age 5: Be less shy.
  age 16: Stop eating.
  age 18: Be more confident. You're making the right choices.
  age 21: Nineteen.
  age 25: Nineteen.
  age 29: Nineteen.

  ps. Jersey Shore. The biggest mess that I have ever seen. Love affair.

  • Posted Dec 6, 2009 4:51 pm PT
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• 21Nov 09

  Did I just waste a good two hours on youtube? I think so.

  Dudes! I was watching an old episode of Degrassi today where JT was still alive. So I was all like I miss JT, I am going to youtube him. Holy f-bomb, I was on youtube forever. I rediscovered some of my loves. JT/Liberty and Neela/Ray (from ER) being the big two. Plus I found some good videos of Holly J/Declan. Which is hard since they are a new couple and I don't know any good Degrassi vidders. I favorited like at least 30 videos. It was out of control and I just want to go back and watch some more. I love Degrassi, by the way. I grew up with that show. And recently I have started to really like it again. Maybe a little because of Holly J and Declan. Mostly since he's the hottest thing since sliced bread.

  So life. I have been kind of ignoring Kaia and Kat. Just avoiding the whole thing. I have been going out a lot. Hah. It's my life now. We went out for my birthday last weekend and it was kind of a gong show for Katie. Like there was too many boys that she has things with there. She feels the need to protect me at the bar and it's so funny. I can take care of myself. One of Katie's friends, friends was talking to me for maybe an hour. And later when we got home he has asked Katie for my BBM pin. And he won't stop texting me. I am couldn't be less interesting than I am. And he's just one of those full out pushy people about things. Like every text has a compliment in it about my looks. Which makes me sooo mad. I hate feeling like an object. That night I tramped it up quite a bit. I liked it. I was wearing like fishnet esque tights, with a short tight black shirt and a big, baggy off the shoulder shirt and lots of make up. So I was getting quite a bit of attention and Katie's other cousin was there and she gets super moody if she's not getting attention. And no one new was hitting on her. Like there are people we are always with that always hit on you but people were actually coming up to me. And she was not a fan. It was awkward.

  School has been whatever. Lots of work. It's all over the place. I don't know. I can't wait for this semester to be over. I have been going to the gym lately. It's nice. Kaia asked me if her and boyfriend got pregnant if I would be her baby's godmomma. I told her yes. I hope she doesn't get pregnant anytime soon. Oh god! Kat told me she likes Henry again. Eff my life. So much drama and being stuck in a long time ago. So over it.

  I went out this weekend too. Thursday and Friday night. Thursday was kind of fun. We were supposed to go out for a birthday but then the girl couldn't come. So it was me, Katie and Darci. And we some people there. As always. This cowboy was hitting on me. And it was soo funny. He was like talking to me how he's a conservative guy and this that and the other thing. And like that's the opposite of me. Complete and totally. And I said that and he continued. Like holy eff. Bar is funny. Last night was not good. Katie was wearing this little red dress and was getting so much attention. She doesn't need that additional confidence boost. She has enough. She was soooo high on herself. I wanted to punch her. And I told her that. I haven't felt sooo crappy about myself at the bar ever. But being with her, with her inflated ego and all of these guys being IN love with her. Wanted to die. The one guy who we know was all about her last night started telling race jokes. I didn't yell but I let it know how unimpressed I was. It wasn't a good a night.

  Last night Henry started talking to me on facebook chat. About if I was going out last night which at the time I wasn't. So we then started talking about Friday Night Lights and everything. And I said I loved Tim and Matt and he was like he loves Julie and Lyla. And I don't know how it led to it exactly but we were talking about being able to get people of that quality in Calgs. And I said that anyone can get anyone. Everyone has a chance kind of thing. And he was like if that was true he would have gotten with Tess in high school. And then tells me that she was his high school fantasy and started talking to me about my high school crushes. And like I didn't really have any. But it was so awesome. Like it was the most real and normal conversation we have had in over a year. We talked about girls and everything like it wasn't weird. I was so happy. Anyways, somehow we ended up talking about how we've both changed since high school and stuff. And we talked about my situation with Kaia and Kat and he totally got it and it was nice for someone to really understand. And he told me that him and his RD best friend don't even talk anymore. Which is insane. They were best friends. Like full out. And I was his person about that for him. It was a good thing to talk to him. It was what I needed a little bit. Everyone is right when they say we should fix things. I need the confidence to do it. Me and Henry are always friends. Like we will always be friends. It's hard to describe our relationship. Like he will always be there for me no matter what and vice versa. But we kind of suck at being friends. Like for you OTH-ers. You know in season two after the formal in 209 when Lucas and Brooke are sitting on the beach and then go for breakfast and they are in Lucas' car outside Brooke's house and she says this was nice and they should be friends. and Lucas is like but we are friends. and Brooke is like we should be friends. I kind of feel like how our relationship is like. Like we are friends. But we suck are BEING friends. I don't know. It's complicated. It's really hard for me to put myself out there with him. Because as much as I do trust him, he has hurt me before. And he's so not confident in who he is that he thinks that taking himself out the picture is best for people sometimes and I don't want to let myself rely on him again too much so when he decides he needs to that again, I don't get left alone. Because that's what happened before. AHH. But seriously, a perfect conversation. We needed to have. We are both in the same situation with being the Calgs versions of ourselves which are the versions we should be being. The more mature and growing up versions not the high school versions. But once we go home we fall right back into those versions and afterwards feel so badly about it. Like everything we talked we both felt the same about everything. Ah. I need to fix things. We could be best friends again. I think. I don't think what happened before would happen again. I hope it wouldn't at least. I don't think I could go through that again. I was physically sick after all of that. I felt so bad. I hurt my best friend and lost my best friend all in the same moment. And then I got left behind. Alone. See, I think about all of that and that's why I am so scared on investing in our friendship again. Even if he's one the best people I have had in my life. According to everyone. My mother thinks he's the best person I have had in my life. Someone who was unselfishly there for me. And I believe that. I'm just a chicken sh*t.

  So last week sometime Katie calls me asking if she can give my number to Mike. The guy who liked me, deleted me off of facebook person. I was like huh. She's like he's trying to make amends. And try to blame our lack of facebook friendship on me. I never delete people. And uhh obviously deleted me out of his phone too. Like duh, facebook too. Stupid kid. I said I didn't care about the number. But Katie didn't give it to him. We were invited to a party at his house last night. But we went out instead.

  I had the most vivid dream about this kid I used to be really good friends with last night. Aaron. We were like best friends in middle school and little bit in high school until he dropped out. In my dream I was meeting Katie at Humpty's and I walk in there and there was Aaron sitting in a booth by himself. And I went and sat there and talking to him forever. It was weird. And he looked like he did when we were 15, not what he looks like now. It was sooo weird. I kind of miss him. Hah.

  Basics
  
  First Name: Lauren
  Middle Name: Ashley
  Birthday: November 6th
  Eyes: Hazel
  Hair: Brown
  Fav color: Purple
  Day/Night: Night
  Fave Food: Quesadilla
  
  FRIENDS AND LIFE
  
  Do you ever wish you had another name? Nope
  Do you like anyone? Nope
  Which one of your friends acts the most like you? Mia
  Who's the loudest? Henry
  Who have you known the longest of your friends? Kat
  Who's the shyest: Kady
  Are you close to any family members? Katie is my cousin and my best friend
  When you cried the most: When my Grandma died
  What's the best feeling in the world: Being with friends and laughing
  Worst Feeling: Loss
  
  FINISH EACH SENTENCE
  
  Let's walk on the: Sidewalk
  Let's run through: The meadow
  Let's look at the: Clothes
  What a nice: Puppy
  Where did all the: Food go
  Why can't you: You man up
  Silly, little: Girl
  Tell me: Something
  
  HAVE YOU:
  
  Ran away from home: Nope
  Pictured your crush naked: No crush
  Skipped school: Yes
  Broken someone's heart: Nope
  Been in love: No
  Cried when someone died: Yes
  Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: Not really
  Done something embarrassing: Who hasn't
  Done a drug: Advil
  Cried in school: Yes
  
  RANDOM
  
  Your Good Luck Charm: Don't have one
  Person You Hate Most: No one
  Best Thing That Has Happened: Life
  Ice Cream: Oreo
  
  WHO
  
  Makes you laugh the most: Everyone
  Has A Crush On You: No one, I hope
  Do You Have A Crush On Someone: Nope
  
  HAVE YOU EVER
  
  Fallen for your best friend?: Not really
  Made out with JUST a friend?: Yes
  Kissed two people in the same day?: Yes
  Had sex with two different people in the same day?: No
  Been rejected: No
  Been in love?: No
  Been used?: Yes
  Done something you regret?: No regrets
  Cheated on someone?: Nope
  Been called a tease: Yes
  
  WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...
  
  You touched?: Katie
  You talked to on the phone?: Katie
  You hugged?: Guy at bar
  You instant messaged?: Mia
  You kissed?: Person
  You yelled at?: I don't know
  Who text messaged you?: Caralee
  Who broke your heart?: No one
  Who told you they loved you?: Can't remember

  

  • Posted Nov 21, 2009 4:14 pm PT
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• 11Nov 09

  Charmed.. How did I forget about you?

  So I am watching a Charmed repeat on CosmoTV right now even though I am supposed to be studying. I have three midterms tomorrow and don't know what the heck I am doing. Anyways, I will after I write this blog. You know what I just noticed.. I swear a lot while I type that I keep having to backspace and delete words constantly. It's a little out of control. I wrote 14 blogs yesterday on my other blog, so I figured I outta write on here. Haha.

  So I have been eating lately. Like a normal human being and haven't been stressing out about it too much. It's nice to not feel weak from not eating all of the time. But I know I am going to end up feeling fat again and go back down that stupid path. But for now, I am eating. Healthily and regularly. It's a good thing I think. Hah.

  So my birthday was on Friday and I went home for it. And sometime in the previous week Kaia and Kat made up and we all were hanging out. And the joke was that we were in 2008 the whole time because that's the last time we all would have hung out. Before everything went down. And as much as I had fun, I wasn't really happy. You know. Like I was laughing in the moments but on Sunday when I had to drive back to the city I was sad. I was talking to my Mom and she's like they got on your nerves hey. They completely did. Like I love both of those girls to death but wow, I did not want to be in 2008. I don't want to be that person. Ever again. It's soooo annoying. And they were sooo buddy buddy and it just gave me the chills. Like I don't know. They weren't even facebook friends a week ago. I know that it's somewhat jealousy and whatever. I don't know. The person I wasin 2008 led to me being depressed and totally dependent on people. I was totally effed up. So my birthday was kind of whatever. This weekend is my city birthday. I am more excited about that. Me and Katie are going to the bar with whoever wants to come and we are going to have funnnn.

  So that whole guy situation. After we got into that fight a couple weeks ago, he told me he liked me. And I said I didn't. He demanded I come to his birthday even though I was in RD. And then that I come out on the 13th, which is my city birthday. And I said no. Because I didn't want to and I couldn't anyways. So he basically stopped texting me. And then I realized the other day he deleted me off facebook. Hahahahah. Like wowww. Are we two years old? Hahah. So funny. I am glad I had that effect on you. Good, he was pathetic. Hah. When I was in RD we went to this house party and I got asked for my number more than Kaia did. Which is such a change from the old days. Anyways, last night one of the people was texting me and Kaia and I were talking as well and somehow she figured it out. She decided that I should marry this kid simply because he was texting me. Because you know, no one would ever text me. She so doesn't know the C-town version of me. Like I text random guys all the time. I don't start it. They do. I am a different person here. The boy that has my attention most is the cowboy boy from my Mom's small town that I met through my cousin a couple weekends ago. Hah.

  So this whole Kaia and Kat thing. They make me feel so insecure about myself. Like when I am with them separately its okay. But when it's all three of us it just brings back everything. AHH. I don't know. Like they make comments about stuff. Like stuff that I am super insecure about. And they know it. Yet it kepts getting said. And then there is this whole weight thing. They run around calling themselves fat and then say I am the same as them. Like I run around saying it about myself but them saying it just confirms it in my head. You know. I felt bad about myself all weekend. Like I have been eating out of control. Which I am kind of okay with. But it does make me feel that a little it more insecure. Anyways, they just don't make me feel good about myself. When it's all three of us. I don't want 2008 back. FRICK. I need to talk to someone who knew me in both times. Because everyone I know how would not understand it. I kind of what to talk to Henry about it all. But we haven't been that close for so long so like making him be my person would be kind of weird. But I know he'd understand what I am talking about. BAHH.

  At this beginning of this blog I said I was feeling okay about eating. After writing all of that, I am not anymore. I let people have wayyyy to big of an effect on me. I needed to talk to my mom this weekend. And I never got a chance. Like ahh. She would have talked some sense into me about all of this. But I can't exactly call her up. Thats not how we are. I can't call and just be like my best friends make me soooo insecure. Thats not how me and her are. AHH. I didn't really realize how much of a mess I was until I started writing this.

  Anyways! I am currently watching Phoebe kill Cole. FRICKKK. I loved Cole soooo much. He was sooo amazing. Him and Phoebe. LOVE. Stupid being a demon. =(

  Do you have any voicemails on your cellphone?
  I haven't had a voicemail left on this phone.
  
  How many times a day do you shower?
  Once.
  
  When you wake up what's the first thing you do?
  Check my phone.
  
  Do you play video games?
  Never.
  
  What's the last thing you bought at the store?
  Probably food.
  
  Do you miss anyone right now?
  Yes.
  
  How many states have you lived in?
  None.
  
  Are you a high school drop out?
  Haha. Nopeee.
  
  Left handed or right handed?
  RIGHTY!
  
  Look out the window, what do you see?
  Lots of large buildings.
  
  What is to your left?
  A loveseat.
  
  What was the last thing that made you laugh?
  Gilmore Girls.
  
  Who do you think will be a better mom Nicole Richie? Or Christina Aguilera?
  Nicole Richie. I like her cute little fam jam.
  
  Do you read the newspaper?
  If it peaks my interest.
  
  Can you cook?
  Yes I can. I don't though.
  
  How many pets do you have?
  Eleven.
  
  Are you close with your parents?
  Sure. My Mom at least.
  
  How many best friends do you have?
  Three.
  
  What are you doing tonight?
  STUDYING.
  
  What time is it?
  1:25 pm.
  
  Can you make a dollar in change right now?
  Nope. Starbucks has all of my change.
  
  Do you read gossip magazines?
  Not really magazines since I obsessively read blogs.
  
  Do you like to sing or dance in the shower?
  Sometimes.
  
  How do you like your eggs?
  Scrambled, Sunny-Side Up, Boiled. Hah.
  
  At McDonalds what do you usually order?
  I don't do McDonalds.
  
  Are you a friendly person?
  Sometimes. At the bar. If I am in the right mood.
  
  If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would it be?
  Have more time for the gym and make Calculus easier.
  
  If you could go back in time, where would you go??
  No regrets about my own life. But I would love to go to the late 60's.
  
  Have you ever met a famous person?
  Not super famous.
  
  Have you ever done drugs?
  Non-illegal ones! But I don't even do those anymore.
  
  Have you ever woke up and didn't know who the person was sleeping next to you?
  I have woken up beside someone I had met the night before. I was fully clothed. I did not hook up with them. I just crashed at their house and they were a friend of a friend. Still kinda hoe-y sounding.
  
  Do you have a criminal record?
  Haha no.
  
  What really annoys you?
  Calculus.
  
  What are you listening to?
  Felicity. I love this show. COSMOTV you're awesome.
  
  Do you have a SocialSplash.com account?
  What's that.
  
  What's your favorite tv-show?
  One Tree Hill, Friday Night Lights and Gossip Girl.
  
  What's your favorite color?
  Purple.
  
  Who do you want to become the next president?
  Nick J.
  
  Are you down with the clown?
  Huh?
  
  Do you listen to the radio?
  I did on the weekend. I didn't take my iPod deck home because I thought I would be able to survive the weekend without listening to music while I slept. It literally lasted two seconds and I went found my old stereo and put the radio on to sleep to.
  
  Do you play any insturments?
  Nope.
  
  What's the date today?
  November 11th, 2009. Remembrance Day.
  
  What are you looking forward to?
  Friday!
  
  When was the last time you were in a swimming pool?
  I hate swimming pools. Chlorine and I don't get along.
  
  When your in the shower, what's the first thing you wash?
  My face.
  
  Do you wear makeup?
  Yeah. It's currently all over my face. I was wearing liquid liner yesterday and didn't wash it off and now it's all over my face and I don't plan on dealiing with it. I'm a beaut.
  
  Where is the strangest place you've slept?
  Kent's scratchy basment couch. Which I know doesn't sound that weird. It's quite the story that makes it weirdddd.
  
  How many colors have you dyed your hair?
  At one point there was very blonde streaks in my very dark brown hair. Then I dyed it back to my natural color.
  
  Do you howl on full moons?
  Not typically.
  
  Have you ever been hit on by somebody 5 years older than you?
  Yes. All the time. It's really awesome. Like I get constantly get hit on by people my father's age. That's Ranchmans for you. Old cowboys that think nineteen year olds are fair game. Inappropriate. But I am good with dealing with it now.

  Does anyone watch Degrassi? I just saw the one aired in Canada the other day. And it ws about Holly J and Declan. LOVE LOVE LOVE. The guy that plays Declan is beyond gorgeous. And they were beyond cute. And cheesy and I still liked them, so they have to be pretty awesome. Hey.

  One Tree Hill this week. I really liked it. Clay and Quinn. Cute. Even though I am totally team Clay and Sara. Which I know makes no sense. Millie!!! She needs to grow a brain. You'd think that I would relate to her and everything considering my issues, but wowww. Brooke. I feel bad for her. Even though Julian isn't really doing anything wrong. But I get it. Dan. I love him. I know that's inappropriate but I do. Rachel. She's annoying but makes me laugh. When she met Jamie. "I remember when you were a rumor in third period." Hahaha. Haley singing. Love her. And I really like Alex. I don't know why, but I really do.

  Gossip Girl. Jenny Humphrey needs to grow up. I love Chuck Bass. Always. What he's done for Serena and Blair. Love him even more. Tripp and Serena. WTF. I am kind of intrigued. Here's my dream storyline. Tripp and Serena have a really obvious flirtation but nothing happens, but Nate sees it and gets jealous and then Serena and Nate finally hook up other than in flashbacks. It would be swell. The 3some. AHH. Seriously. Dan, Vanessa and Lizzie McGuire. Ah. Not a fan.

  Peace peopleee.

  

  ps, there is an advertisement on cosmotv right now for walk the line. they are playing it sometime in the future. i would like to watch it in this very moment. i lovveeeeeee that movie. sooo amazing.

  • Posted Nov 11, 2009 12:50 pm PT
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