• 31Aug 08

  Daffy's Top 11 Damsels in Distress

  Being that every person at thatguywiththeglasses.com are UNGREATFUL IDIOTS...(*Muttering to myself* Calm down. It's just a stupid comment. Okay.) I've decided to put this over here to see what you guys think.

  Aloha!!! Welcome to another edition of Daffy's Top 11. Why top 11? 'Cause I like to be 9 steps behind 20.

  Today's list consists of the Top 11 Damsels in Distress. That's right. These are the girls who were always getting caught and yelling for the hero to give them a hand. Not that they couldn't handle themselves. But, sometimes, they just can't get out of trouble by themselves.

  This list will no doubt have holes in it. So don't get upset if I forget your favorite.

  Before we begin, let's give a few...

  Honorable mentions: Mary Jane Watson, Lois Lane, and whoever else I'm forgetting.

  So, let's begin with the Top 11 Damsels in Distress.

  11) Olive Oyl (Popeye)

  This was the stick figure... I mean 'woman' that was always captured by the villainous Bluto and ends up needing help from the steroid... I mean 'spinach' downing sailor, Popeye. She loses points because she's annoying. I mean, have you heard her speak? She talks at a level only dogs can hear.

  10) Jade Chan (Jackie Chan Adventures)

  Before anyone makes an argument about this one, let me explain. This show is nostalgic to me because I used to watch it before high school. So, it's old in my eyes. But, it lost points for being newer then the others. Okay. Now, this girl is irritating. She never listens to her uncle and always follows him straight into danger. What almost always ends up happening is that she ends up getting kidnapped. If she listened to her elders, she would be safe most of the time. But, her disobedience is part of what makes her a pretty gutsy character.

  9) Ursula (George of the Jungle)

  I couldn't find a better pic. Deal with it.

  I don't remember a thing about this show. I had to watch the only episode I could find on YouTube just to make the following statement: Ursula was George's wife. That's pretty much all I know. The fact that she could put up with someone as dumb as George is why she even makes it on this list. Their sex life must be phenomenal.

  Nell Fenwick (Dudley Do-Right)

  Here's another show I don't remember at all. But, I do remember one thing: She was always tide to a railroad track by Snidely Whiplash. If that doesn't make you a damsel in distress, I don't know what does. Not to mention the fact that I'm sure she'll never take the train again.

  7) Daphne (Scooby Doo)

  Yeah. You can't have been surprised about this one being on this list. She was always getting caught by the bad guys. It's like she had a sign on her back that said, "I'm the perfect hostage. Go ahead and kidnap me." But, she was one hot hostage and she gets points just for her looks.

  6) Gosalyn Mallard (Darkwing Duck)

  Here's another girl that would have been better off listening to what her elders told her. She was always trying to save the world by herself... yet somehow with the help of her friend, Honker. Well, she didn't realize that she was just a little girl and she's the prime prey for kidnappers and villains.

  5) April O' Neil (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

  I didn't watch much of this show when I was a kid. I was more of a Power Rangers guy. (I know. Pity me.) But, from what I remember, whenever she was caught, it was always for the same reason. She's doing a news report for whatever reason. At some point, she starts to investigate whatever the report was about. She gets to close to the bad guys and they take her to teach her a lesson. You'd think she'd learn to mind her own business at some point.

  4) Princess Peach (Super Mario Bros.)

  Wow. This is the first time I include a video game character in a list. Well, this princess... I don't really know what to say about her. Except, why was she always kidnapped by big monsters? I mean, she was taken by Donkey Kong and Bowser. Who's next? King Kong? Godzilla? The Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters? What is with this girl and giant monsters? Well, who cares? It was always fun saving her as that little Italian plumber. That is why she's so high on this list.

  3) Tie between Jasmine, Ariel, and Belle.

  This is another first for me. I've never done a tie before. These three Disney beauties made damsels in distress look good. They are, without a doubt, the prettiest characters Disney ever came up with. It's no wonder the villains always wanted them (with the exception of Ursula, that is). Who could resist grabbing them a piece of them? I apologize for that sexist statement. But, it's true.

  2) Meg (Hercules)

  I'll admit it right here and now. One of the only reasons she's so high on this list is because I had a major crush on her when I first saw this movie. I still don't even know why. I mean, she's pretty and all, but that's not it. Well, for reasons unknown even to me, I liked her. Another reason she's number two is because she is a badass. She doesn't take crap from anyone. Not even her kidnapper, Hades, Lord of the Underworld. Dude, this girl has some major balls to talk back to the ruler of, basically, Hell.

  And the number one damsel in distress is...

  1) Princes Zelda (Zelda Series)

  Yep. It's another video game character. This has got to be the one character in all of video game history to be perpetually kidnapped in every single game*. I mean it. She's kidnapped pretty much every five minutes. I'm sure even if they kept her in a cement room ten stories underground with a six inch steel door, she'd still get kidnapped. Can't she just stay saved for a while? And why does Link always have to be the one to save her? Doesn't he get tired of it? Well, for whatever reason, she was always a damsel in distress and she will always be a damsel in distress. And that is why she is the number one Damsel in Distress.

  This has been a Top 11 by me.

  I'm Daffy.

  *I don't know if this is entirely true. I've never really played any of those games.

  • Posted Aug 31, 2008 7:40 am PT
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• 4Aug 08

  Free at last!!!

  I've been meaning to tell you guys for a couple of days. I FINALLY GOT MY BRACES OFF ON SATURDAY!!!!
  
  HUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!

  Sorry to those who still have them or are just getting them, but it feels good to be FREEEEEEEE!!!!

  I never noticed how good food tastes when there's no metal attached to your teeth.

  Anyways, I've been wanting to say...

  FREE AT LAST!!! FREE AT LAST!!! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, I AM FREE AT LAST!!!!!

  • Posted Aug 4, 2008 7:22 pm PT
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• 26Jul 08

  ALOHA!!!!! (That means Hello in Hawaiin.)

  Well, I'm BACK!!!!
  And let me tell you, CRUISING IS AWESOME!!!!!

  I TOTALLY recommend it to EVERYONE!!!! Especially the cruise I went on: Royal Caribbean's Liberty of the Seas.

  This boat was HUGE!!!!!!!! And it had all sorts of stuff to do!!

  Such as the FlowRider. This is a surfing simulator. It. Was. AWESOME!!!! I didn't surf. I boogie boarded. But still cool nonetheless.

  There was a cool teen club, a good arcade, and even a 24 hour pizza place. Did I go cruising or to heaven?

  Anyways, the FUNNIEST thing happened. You'll never believe it. Every night, after dinner, they have shows in the theater on board. And one show was a circus act. I'm pretty sure you know where I'm going with this. Who do you think was in the show? Well, go on, guess.... Do you need a hint? He's on DP. Yep. You guessed right. It was FREAKSHOW!!!!! Well, not exactly. BUT, this guy came out in EXACTLY the same outfit as him at the end of Reality Trip. Yep. AND he had he EXACT same voice! Not only that, but.... yep. HE HAD THE LAUGH!!!! When I started laughing hystarically, everyone around me started staring at me. I really couldn't explain. They would have never understood.

  Well, the cruise was INCREDIBLE. I might tell you more about it if you ask real nice.

  Now, I gotta go put some Aloe Vera on my sunburn. SEE YA!!!!!

  • Posted Jul 26, 2008 11:12 am PT
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