All About clayron
First, I'd like to say thanks to those who read my last blog. I will say I am not exceedingly happy with it. Due in large part to the numerous errors it contains. My own fault. However, GS, due to the 20,000 character limit, will not allow me to make the edits I feel the blog should have. Namely, grammatical/spelling errors, a conclusion, and some smallchanges to the blog.
Because of this I feel the blog fails to be as entertaining and well thought out as it should have been.
Hopefully, the next one I produce will provide the "lulz" and a much better reading experience.
I hope to have it up within the next few weeks.
Being a man is a great thing. We are privy to a lot of testosterone, sweet facial hair, and glutes that could crack a walnut. But, being one is not as easy as the manliest of us make it look. From the time a man opens his eyes to the time his head hits the toilet at the end of the night he and all his manliness is on display for the world to see. It's not enough to just have man bits dangling about between your legs. Hell, if that is all it took every person with a Y chromosome would be a man. Sadly, this isn't so.
No. To be a man takes a strict adherence to a particular set of rules. Rules that have been passed down from the first real man so that future generations could learn the real meaning of manliness. That's why you are here; to learn how to be a man and that is why I present this guide to you. My wish is that you too may learn the great ways of men without the need for guesswork or apprenticeship. In this elite club called "Manhood" we do not tolerate deviations from the rules. More males have become non-men than males that have become men.
Unquestionable manliness. Oh yeah!
Think about that for a second.
That tells you we take our manhood seriously, and reserve the right to revoke the manliness of any man we feel is not living a manly enough life. So with the help of men all over the world I present to you a guide that lists the main tenants of manhood.
Rule 1: Thou shalt not don the Banana Hammock
There are times when you may want to visit some type of pool or beach or place that has water you can splash around in. A kiddy pool, for example. In these locations you often find women, children, and other males strutting about. Then you have that guy who walks around in a pair of latex briefs. Briefs so snug that they are compromising the circulation to the gentleman's groin area. As your eyebrows reach for the skies and your stomach retreats into your esophagus you realize something is amiss.
That's your inner-man fighting to urge to regurgitate.
Under no circumstances is it ever okay to wear a speedo. From the time of loin cloths and twine men knew better than to wear something that firmly gripped the butt-cheeks and smothered the genitals. If you ever wish to joins the enclave of manhood then you need to absolutely never wear this. Dear god, don't ever wear this.
Rule 2: The path that a man shall choose shall be born of his own mind, and no one else
Directions? Pfft, what are those?
You are Magellan. You are the human GPS. God has blessed you with an uncanny knack of knowing the exact location of everything in existence. When you drive the destination is wherever your car stops. Why? As a man you always know where you are going. You don't need Google maps or satellite positioning. All you need is an idea of where you want to go and a ride to get you there.
A man is to never ask directions from anyone. If you are going the wrong way you will keep going the wrong way until you arrive somewhere that resembles your original destination. If anyone has anything to say about it, put them out on the freeway and keep driving.
Rule 3: A man shan't ever look upon another while in the water closet
Ever heard the phrase, "Eyes front, soldier!"? Sure you have. Well, when you are in the bathroom that phrase becomes law. Absolute and infallible law.
It has happened to everyone. There is a guy in the stall adjacent to your own; completely smug and confident in his peeing. The bastard. Who the hell does he think he is? Better than you, that's what he is thinking. So, what do you do? You begin to figure, maybe you'll have a peek. Get an understanding of why this guy is so damn smug.
You raise your chin. You turn your head. You lean just enough…and you have just attempted to do what no man should ever do. What is wrong with you?! Have you no pride or shame?! You never, ever, under any circumstance attempt to scope out another man's package. There is no reason to ever do that. Even if you heard bells and show tunes coming from his stall then it would be almost okay to-
The guy on the right is definitely not a man.
Wait, no it wouldn't! You're sick! You keep your eyes focused on the tile wall directly ahead of you. A real man only cares about two penises: his own and that of his first son.
Rule 4: Praising one's male brethren should be done within the limits of man law
You ever get the urge to compliment another man on his shoes? His pants? Maybe the type of cologne he is currently wearing?
Well, stop it. That's not okay.
A man is only allowed to give another man a select few compliments. Feel free to compliment any of the following: his car, his dog, his TV, and/or his grill. We put a crap load of effort into our material possessions. So, every now and again it is great to hear how awesome our stuff is from another testosterone filled man sack.
Go ahead and stroke that man ego.
Rule 5: To make love is to forfeit the birthright bestowed upon thee by manhood.
This is your motto. Learn it. Live it. It's you.
No real man has ever made love. You are a sex machine. If it isn't capable of alerting the neighbor's to the potential of domestic abuse then it isn't sex.
Rule 6: A man shan't fornicate his friend's family for fear of ass whipping.
Yes, that's the actual proverb. There isn't much else to it. I can guarantee that if any of you asshats take to hitting on my little sister I'll take my foot and see that it becomes lodged in your poop chute. Family is off-limits unless the friend gives express written consent in front of a priest, while visiting the Vatican, on his birthday, during the Winter Solstice, while wearing a shirt that reads "I am totally okay with the thought of my friend making out with my sister. Seriously, I am perfect fine with it. Kthxbai"
If that occurs I guess then it's okay. But a real man would never do this.
Rule 7: The Brethren Code
There is a rule called the "Bro Code". This code states that a man is to put his male friends before any and all women for any and all reasons. The original "Bro Code" does not contain that exact wording. In fact, the original code says this:
Damn right! Unless...
A man is to put his male friends and their needs before that of any woman he is trying to get into bed. Unless, that woman is insanely hot. I mean, seriously, your friends would be total douches to try to get in front of you and a total 10. It is never okay for bros to invoke the "Bro Code" when you are chasing a woman that is a unanimous 10. A woman so hot other women check her out and then get mad at how good looking she is, and how they can never compare. In fact, if a friend does invoke the "Bro Code" at this point you are obligated, by the original code, to kill him. With a fork.
So, there you have it. The original code is quite different from the perverse version people have been using for the last few decades.
Rule 8: To notice another's groin is to hate all things good and pure. So sayeth the code.
No man ever is to notice when another man's fly is down. To do so is a direct insult to him, his family, and America.
There isn't much else to this. Do you hate your friend? Do you want his family to die? And has America ever done anything to hurt you? If the answer to all of those questions is "No" then you bet not ever tell another man his fly is down.
It's just not cool. Why are you even looking in that area?
Rule 9: Yet he was jealous, though he did not show it, For jealousy dislikes the world to know it
If you are with your girlfriend and you notice a man with a better body than you, insult his intelligence. If he is more intelligent, then insult his body. If he has a better body and is more intelligent than you produce an argument with your girlfriend and use that as a reason to get the hell out of there.
It's important to recognize the enemy.
There is no reason for a man to ever take that kind of abuse. You want your woman to focus on you and your physique. You do your best to stay in the shape she met you in or worse. Who does this tool think he is waltzing along the beach shirtless showing your woman what she could have with another man? **** that!
And you are to never, ever, tell your woman or even show her that you are jealous of another man. Hell, I wouldn't even call it jealousy. I'd say it is more akin to strategic love warfare. Real men strike preemptively when dealing with a potential threat.
Rule 10: The Law of Beasts
Everyman wants a pet. Having an animal in our home validates us as master's of our domain, lording over all that we see. However a man just can't go out and get whatever pet that he wants. There is a rule that men must follow. Males can do whatever the hell they want, but a MAN must abide by The Law of Beasts
The Law of Beasts states that a man's pet must meet three requirements: 1) Frightening, 2) Vicious/Ill Tempered, and 3) Large.
Pets that meet this rule are as follows: huge dog, Anaconda, Iguana, Horse, Gorilla, Tiger, Boa Constrictor, Ostrich, King Cobra, Tarantula, Komodo dragon, and a salt water crocodile.
Unacceptable pets included: Small dogs, cats, chimps, salamanders, hamsters, and anything else that isn't a vicious killing machine and unsightly to look at.
A man may only purchase an unacceptable pet in the event that his married and/or whipped and can't get his wife to agree to a larger animal. Real Men around the world weep for you while we wrestle with our bears.
Rule 11: A man not need to know the answers should his mouth stay silent
When confused simply nod along. Never ask questions that seek clarification. Period. You are a man!
Rule 12: Thou shalt be a pillar of support for thine fallen friends
We all have friends in relationships. Real men wish their friends success with their newfound ladyfriend. However, we secretly hope they break up so that we can take him out, and remind him how awesome it is to be without that tramp.
So as a friend you have one major duty to keep to your friend. Upon hearing that your friend has broken up with his girlfriend you make an inappropriate joke about her. Any joke will do. Seriously, make the most profane, sick joke that can pop into your head. That's why you are there. You want him to forget every positive attribute she had. If you fail in this he will end up going back to her, and that's no fun for anybody because then he is going to tell her the about the jokes. Then it is just going to be AWK…waaaaaaard.
In the event you do not have a set and refuse to make a joke your man card and genitals will promptly be removed. These will become the sole property of the authors and keepers of the rules of "Manhood". In this case, no matter what you do you will never again see your genitals or man card, ever.
Rule 12a: Upon hearing that your friend broke up with her boyfriend you insult him vigorously and quickly take steps to get her in bed.
It may not be ethical. It may not be what a "good friend" would do. But, to hell with that, you are a man and you've been trying to get with this chick for, like, 2 years. You'll be damned if you pass up a perfectly good opportunity to get with her after waiting this long. You can feel bad the morning after.
Rule 13: Shall emotions govern thee? I say, "Neigh"
As a man is it your duty to never discuss your emotions with anyone. Period. If anyone asks, "Oh my god, are you okay?" you are to spit, grunt, scratch yourself, and say, "Doing good. You?"
There is absolutely no exception to this. You hear me?! No exceptions!
Rule 14: If after relieving oneself one should never shake more than twice.
The bathroom, a man's sanctuary, is a home away from home for every single man in existence. It is where he goes to get away from it all. When we need peace and quiet we head to the bathroom and grab a urinal or stall. But, the bathroom has rules, one of which has already been discussed. However, this one, even though lower on the list, is just as important.
Every man does his best to pee while standing up and while doing this we are forced to handle our own junk for a few seconds. Once we are done urinating we have to answer a very important question to ourselves: "Am I really done here?" If not, keep going.
DO NOT START SHAKING IF YOU ARE NOT POSITIVE YOU'RE DONE. This can lead to a flailing about of urine and a wet pant leg. Both of which are really nasty.
If you do happen to be done, then you do what all our fathers taught us to do in order to finish off, shake it. Shake it like a Polaroid picture. But not too much or you are just masturbating You want to do it just enough. And we all know that the moment you start playing with yourself in public then you are really, really, really gross and should be ashamed of yourself, you pervert.
Don't let this be you. It's gross.
Basically, if you shake it more than twice, you're playing with yourself.
Rule 15: Thine tongue is a vessel of wisdom. Thou shall not sully it with profanities
Things not to say to other men:
- Lets hit the showers
- I'll do that for you
- No, I have never been to a monster truck rally
- I'm in love
- Why did you pick this beer?
In my last blog entry I boasted about my most recent achievement. Graduation. Truthfully, I could not be happier that I have completed college both for the personal gratification it brings, and the pride it brings to my parents. One of which didn't finish high school and the other left college to pursue motherhood.
However, that is not what I am here to talk about.
College, well, life in general, has shown me the value of lot of things such as hard work, accountability, initiative, and disappointment. These are just a handful of things I have made commonplace in my life. I felt I was adequately prepared to tackle the horrors of "Real life" now that I am out and on my way. Unfortunately, I wasn't prepared for one thing upon my exit from the safety net that is college. Something so small, yet vastly important, that was never taught or even discussed in college. Albeit, my father always said it was a virtue. The sad part is, it's the one thing in life all people need to have in spades but few people really truly grasp.
Patience. Yeah, not one of my stronger attributes.
It's been a full month and a half since graduation and, yet, I have no employment. I understand that a month and a half of unemployment is not a long stretch of time relative to how long many job seekers look. However, it's seems likes ages to me. For many college graduates this is old news. I've heard the stories of certain majors graduating with employment troubles but surely that would never happen to me. I graduated from a good school with good grades and good work and leadership experiences. In addition to that, my major emphasis was corporate finance. Every corporation has a finance division. I should be all set. Right? In my mind, the offers should be pouring in. Right? But they aren't. No interviews. No follow up. Hell, not even a rejection letter. Am I that bad?
Now, mind you, I have never been handed anything. I firmly believe that if you want something you will bust your ass to get it. Since May 17 I have sent out more than 50 resumes and cover letters. With each resume and cover letter superior to its predecessor. I went from a generic "cookie cutter" resume and a generic cover letter to a "targeted resume" and a set of cover letters unique to each position. Still nothing. I wasn't just sending out blind cover letters either. I had done my homework on these firms. Educated decisions are just the bee's knees, at least when they bear fruit.
So mid-June I got desperate. I went into my phone and begin calling and emailing every contact I have. You know what? I realized I do not have a lot of finance contacts. Video games? Sure. Accountants? Sure. Marketing? Sure. Operations Management? Sure. Finance? No, not really. The realization of this was a tad unsettling. Plus, I hate asking people for personal favors so using my "networking skills" has always been a point of contention for me. I understand how important it is, and I am quite good at making an impression but I just do not like doing it.
So, now I am waiting on people and applying. An endeavor that takes time. Somehow people tout patience as a virtue but, in truth, waiting is just damn upsetting. Anyway, at this point I wonder, "What's the outlook for recent grads?" Thatquestion, believe it or not, would lead me to the greatest discovery of my young life and teach me a valuable, yet painful, lesson.
After reading an umpteenth number of articles, umpteenth being the number just before you reach that point where you say, "Dear god, to hell with all this damn counting!" I discovered that very few college graduates are receiving offers. I was by no means shocked by this. What I was shocked by was the percentage. I believe, without citing a source, it hovered between 20-30%, and this is an improvement over last year. For finance majors this number is painful. Why? BECAUSE THERE IS AN ASSLOAD OF FINANCE MAJORS. It's a widely common major. Another factoid I happened across in some yet-to-be cited article. It is all about being competitive in the job market. I just happen to be competitive in a very, very small job market.
After reading that unnerving umpteenth article I called up an old professor. Strangely enough he is a professor of clinical accounting. I really do not know many finance people, and my finance professors are not as "people friendly" as one would hope. So, we met in his office last Monday and he has given me the best answer for the troubles I am having that I could have ever hoped to hear. I will paraphrase but the overall message will remain intact.
"It's not you. You have the qualifications. You have what they're looking for. You're resume is solid; nothing negative stands out at all. I even sent it off to two recruiters to get their impression of it."
But wait it gets better. After hearing this, and getting a little upbeat, I asked him, "So, if that is the case why am I having so much trouble?"
The brilliance of what you are about to read might knock you back, because it had honestly never occurred to me. He says, with a complete straight face, "You have what these recruiters are looking for. They're just not looking. Many recruiters work hard all year. The summer is their time to relax since they may not have access to the wealth of students the fall and spring semesters offer. Plus, with unemployment the way it is there are tons of people who already know how to do the job. You have to wait your turn. The jobs won't start pouring into the career center until late July, early August."
Mind. Yeah, it was all over the back wall.
I have to wait. I have to wait? Why? I'm awesome! So what if I have less than a year worth of experience in a professional setting. I could kick so much ass at that job they'd be begging to make me CFO in a matter of months. Hell, I am the Warren Buffett of finance. At least that's what I told myself as I slowly slid back into reality.
I sat that there in sort of a weird comforting, but frightening, awe. A cross between "Oh my god, yes, I will be okay." and "Holy crap, I am going to be jobless forever." In all my efforts to land a finance position in the last month and a half it never occurred to me that it wouldn't happen on my schedule, as ridiculous as that sounds. I figured I was everything an employer would want rolled into a nice, and if I may add, sexy, package. My professor assured me that he would help me land a position. He has done it before with an internship I received last summer.
Unfortunately, at this point I am forced to do what I do worst. Wait and exercise patience. Not that I wasn't waiting before. It is just I must be "patient" now. I cannot expect things to pick up tomorrow because I applied today. Nor can I expect to have a position just land in my lap. It is really too bad patience doesn't get the bills paid or allow me to save.
Truthfully, this process just became a tad more painful. I will wait and I will stay determined. Something good will happen for me in time. I do wish to impart my learned lesson upon others: be patient, it'll happen. That is all. But, in the immortal words of George Eliot, arguably the most brilliant random person I have ever googled looking for a quote to fit what I am currently saying, "It is easy finding reasons why other folks should be patient."
And that's about all I wanted to say.
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