Italian Boy's Confession.....


"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."


The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"


"Yes, Father, it is."


"And who was the woman you were with?"


"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."


"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"


"I cannot say."


"Was it Teresa Volpe?"


"I'll never tell."


"Was it Nina Capelli?"


"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."


"Was it Cathy Piriano?"


"My lips are sealed."


"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."


The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy now for 4months. Now you go and behave yourself."


Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"


"Four months vacation and five good leads

Hi, I will be only home on the weekends because I have weekly business trips out of the area. I will check my que at that time and try very hard to start doing weekly blogs to get back in touch with all of you. As was my old tradition, I will try hard to find fun things to share with you all and here it goes:

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn in t o some thing acceptable to have dinner with.

Have a wonderful week,

Ann

I have been coming on line several times a week to check on my queue and make sure I was not an absent editor. I do occasionally have time to read a few of your blogs. I would love to have some let me know what I have missed over the last many months.

I have always felt that if I was in too difficult a space to be positive on line, I needed to keep things off the internet and get my support in other places.

Every time I thought things had turned a corner, something bad happened again. It has been one of the hardest years of my life both personally and medically. The medical things, I can share. The personal ones I will remain fairly quiet. It is not that I did not trust you all. It is not that I did not need your support. It is that this is too public of a forum to voice all the issues.

Medically last February I woke up one morning and the material in front of my left retina had detached. All medical interventions for the last 8 months have not been successful. The eye corrected is not able to pass a driving test. I do have a good team of Doctors attempting interventions to save as much vision as possible. It is legal to drive with one good eye.

March came and more medical issues developed. My mammogram came back with abnormal findings. This situation has still not been resolved but I do have a good team of doctors at Stanford.

I wish I had the support of a loving husband but my husband has decided that he needs to be free and single. I have gone through the medical issues without his support. I can not in this forum say more about this topic.

So, I came on line today to find 40+ submissions in my que by one person. All of them poorly written. I revised a few and accepted them..... them check the person's profile and saw a level 7 and more rejections than acceptance. I wrote notes on many rejects stating why I needed to reject them. Gosh, it too me two hours. Usually with my guides, I have few 1 to 5 submissions. Usually, well written and appropriate. What a mess! I know it is not a normal situation because since I have been on line I have never had that many poorly written items. I know others who have more popular guides do get this problem.

I have missed all of you. I do think of you often. Have a good day.

Oh, you all need a joke right?

Believe it or not this is a real 911 call....

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 what is the your emergency?

Caller: I heard what a sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Your friend,

Ann

Why?

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

I've done my job,

Ann

My wrist is doing better today but I will be working hard
today with six evaluations for wheelchairs for our residents. I have been
slowly doing the paperwork. Let's see how my wrist is after the rest and
well, it will be used much today. It looks like it is just tendonitis. Which means it will be a bother but would heal, it I were not so hard on it.
Have a good day, Ann

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.



2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.



3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.



5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.



6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.



8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.



9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.



10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages...
I made at to level 35 yesterday.  My goal this year is to make one level a month.  Let's see if I do it. 

Have a good day, Ann

Hope you enjoy Part III: Ann

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Hope you enjoy Part II.  Ann

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Part I:  By the way my husband works in an airport so he thought these were funny.  I have three days worth of them.  I hope you enjoy them.  Ann

People in the airline industry aren't all serious...



1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."