Gamespot is a great site; it's full of kind people who seek the virtual friendship and understanding of other like minds. But, with our trek to make friends and the core feelings of goodwill and caring around the site, it can be easy to forget the real purpose of the internet: good old fashioned all American complaining about whatever. So, in the true spirit of the internet and appearing like a curmudgeonly outcast: I present to you the first edition of … Wootex complains.

1. Everyone's hard working and intelligent east-coast buddy DouglasBuffone has started a new union, it looks great with an emphasis on playing and reviewing cIassic games, however, it sticks out to me as an incredibly poorly chosen name. Let's picture them now pointing their monocles at you "Are you a member of the Enlightened Gamer Union, I certainly hope so, because you don't want to be one of those primitive plebeians who just plays a game for fun without getting on the internet to discuss the artistic merit and political connotations of that game, do you?... now who's up for some wine tasting and shuffleboard." To me, a union name like that infers that somehow there's a better and smarter way to game than however you are doing it. I wish Doug all the best with the union and I'm sure he'll do a good job on it, but I don't think he could have come up with a more pretentious name if he had tried. Maybe you out there are wondering why I even care, it's just a name after all, what's the point of getting uppity about something as small as a name. Well, to quote the great philosopher Jared Simons, who in no way did I just make up right now: "You gotta get uppity about something".

2. When you think about it, Retro Revival week is kind of dumb. In fact, the whole term retro annoys me, because using something's age as its defining characteristic completely undercuts any value of that thing itself. It's like saying "I don't find Shakespeare interesting, he's really old". It's all well and good to like or dislike old games because of their simpler gameplay, but to simply lump all games made before an arbitrary date as retro seems pretty silly to me. Anyway, back to the week itself, the reason I think it's a bit silly is because if you enjoy playing older games, than you certainly shouldn't need a special internet week to actually play them and if you don't normally enjoy playing old games, well, that's cool too and you should just play what you want. Of course, there's also the part of RRW where people go on the site and talk about what games they played, I really like this, because it's cool to see what games people choose to play when it's not just the newest releases. However, I think that for blogging in general, if you played a game today that you believe was interesting enough to blog about, I hope that will, regardless of what week it is.

3. You know those advertisements for the Cnet sister sites that appear on the upper right corner, I hate those things. The one I see right now says that "real women have curves" with is offensive and stupid in many ways, what are non curvey women? Pretend women? Most of these headlines make don't make any sense on their own so you end up clicking on them to figure out what they're talking about only to realize that it's something you don't care at all about and then, there are 3 minutes of your life down the drain that you could have been spending playing retro games. This blog is over

Well, my chair is pulled up to my desk and my fingers are arched over my keyboard in anticipation of creating something new, something greater and something profound. But, as is always the case, we're talking about me, so we all know that that's not gonna happen, and we'll all need to be content to with another aimless, meandering string of menial visual drivel.

However, I'm really excited about this particular drivel because I've been without it for far too long. For me recently, it's been nothing but hotels, whisky and sad luck days, and the very kind comments left on my previous blog might have been just what I needed to find a spot of re-invigoration. I would thank the people who posted them outright, but I feel that intra-personal thoughtfulness is a second priority to maintaining my internet persona as a gruff, jaded and detached individual (or at least, this is my mental image of my internet persona). Now though, I'm back, packing superfluous exclamation points and tossing them around with reckless abandon!!! This is the blog that critics are calling the truest return to form since Shiny Beast (Bat Chain Puller).

Please enjoy this monocle-themed intermission.

I like to think of myself as a fairly mellow guy, not a man of many moods, if you will (I will, thank you, and with a spot of crème' if you don't mind). If you were to ask those people that know me well, you would probably learn that there aren't really anybody who know me that well and than you'd just come and ask me personally you'd learn that my moods range from an elated melancholy to a subdued sobriety to restrained anticipation (on the outside, these all appear exactly the same). The point is: I try to be one to stay away from the superlatives.

On that same note… Holy Cow, Final Fantasy 5 is unbelievably, jaw droopingly, bicep bustlingly fun! I don't remember being this engaged in a traditional RPG in a long time. Though I'm sure that the tight association in my mind that the game carries with FF6 and FF4 (two of my favorite games) leads me to enjoy it even more (psychology!), I do believe that the gameplay is strong enough to justify my fascination. The job system in the game, which allows for really intuitive and complete customization of each character in the game, keeps me constantly playing for that next job level and skill. Sure, the story is shallow and the characters are too but it's nice to get away from the overstated melodrama of modern JRPGs. Basically, if you're still willing to play an RPG that's a bit older in design, make sure you pick this one up for your GBA.

As a final note, I'd like to introduce everybody to my good buddy Tawd who works at the restaurant on the island with me (He makes great chicken in a pan). Have you ever noticed how challenging of a word restaurant is to spell? I always spell it restraunt and than the autofix asks me if I was trying to spell restraint, which I most certainly wasn't. Anyway, Tawd's (he spells his name like that to be quirky) is a cool guy and new to the site (as well as gaming in general) so please go stop by his profile, read his blog and make him feel welcome by sending him naked pictures of yourself (or, just saying hi if that's more your thing).

Well, now we come to what I am sure is everyone's favorite part of my blog, the end. We shared a few laughs, made a new friend and maybe learned a little something about ourselves. So, thanks for stopping by and I hope to see you around the neighborhood again soon. The door's always open.

-Woody

Non lo capirò appena più, questo blog usato per significare così tanto a me, andrei dormire pensando a questo proposito, spendere le ore che scrivono qualcosa ero tempi multipli del controllo e fiero di indietro un l'ora di vedere se ottenessi qualunque nuove osservazioni. Nella riesaminazione, probabilmente ha significato molto più a me che mai dovrebbe avere, ma ora, non posso sembrare trovare molto entusiasmo per fare la mia parte nel rendere alla Comunità memorable. Non conosco che cosa è accaduto. Suppongo che potrei incolpare di Gamespot, potrei dire che dalla riesaminazione e dal personale che rimuovono il fiasco, non è stato appena lo stesso (che fosse allineare). Ma, nell'realtà, ho perso molto del mio entusiasmo per il luogo molto prima che di c'è ne di quel roba sono andato giù. Il cambiamento era ovviamente in me.

Le informazioni esistono in più alta quantità che niente altro nel mondo. Passando con un giorno normale, non posso neppure comprendere la quantità di nuove informazioni che la riceviamo, benchè la vasta maggioranza di queste informazioni passi semplicemente dai nostri occhi e mai realmente trasformiamo i nostri cervelli e la percentuale delle informazioni di che realmente ci ricordiamo per qualsiasi tempo deve essere molto più piccola. Se aggiungiamo il Internet nell'equazione della nostra attività quotidiana, siamo dati l'accesso completo ad un mondo che è migliaia dei periodi più grandi dello spazio che psychical potremmo occupare in un giorno. Non penso i nostri cervelli la nostra maniglia costruita che molto Info. Cioè almeno le informazioni importanti, tuttavia, poiché il contenuto del Internet è ovviamente dalla gente, per la gente, da esso vanno lo stesso senso delle conversazioni normali, che è, per la maggior parte, in nessun posto.

Il Internet Info tuttavia, difetta delle cose di base circa le conversazioni psychical che gli rendono una tal parte della nostra esistenza , vale a dire, la gente di nucleo. Per tutti so, potrei essere l'unico essere umano su Gamespot (giusto, indovino che so che la scalfittura è una persona ugualmente) ed il resto di voi è tutti i calcolatori programmati per adattare le determinate personalità ed opinioni su roba. Denominilo egoista, ma senza alcun rapporto reale alla gente qui, il piccolo colloquio che compone la maggior parte dei blogs diventa ancora più piccolo. Appena guardando il mio profilo ora, potrei leggere su Doug o pensieri dell'arte su roba che realmente non mi preoccupo circa, potrei leggere che PAJ realmente è eccitato per il crono innesco refa o potrei persino imparare che Gabu, Darthzew e Principessa-Pesca basterà con Gamespot sopra i prossimi giorni. Appena lo trovo duro per essere entusiasta di esso. La cosa triste è, tutti sembrate come la gente piacevole e capisco che le cose che fate e pensano sono ogni punta importante come gli atti ed i pensieri della gente conosco personalmente, ma è solo duro tenere quello presente.

Così, è quella mentalità che marche esso duro per me per desiderare a blog molto altro. Lo ho appena in mia testa che qualunque scrivo è stato dimenticato e spinto stato verso la parte posteriore di tutto la mente nei minuti. Così, perchè l'introito il tempo ed il lavoro su che cosa scrivo quando piuttosto stavo facendo un ancora un poco divertimento che la scrittura (la gente dicono duro che blog solo perché che gradiscono farli, ma quello è una bugia, una necessità della gente almeno un certo rinforzo positivo continuato continuare a farlo). Non ho idea che cosa il mio futuro con blogging sarà, io progetto mantenere sull'andare ogni volta che ritengo il bisogno ed io sperano continuiate a leggere, che sono una dichiarazione che è rife con ipocrisia dopo che cosa sto dicendo, ma penso che sia sicuro supporre che il mio proprio parere di blogging non è ripartito da ognuno.

Inoltre, come potete notare, ho deciso inviare questo blog in italiano, esso non ero perché ho avvertire l'esigenza nascondere le mie parole. Ho desiderato fare qualcosa che fosse differente, quella contribuirò a dare a questa entrata almeno una qualità memorable.

The world we live in has always seemed a place of infinite possibility. Men on the moon, near instant phone and Internet communication, interactive video games, all of these represent profound testaments to human ambition and ingenuity. It is certainly heartening to know that the success of these discoveries has brought widespread benefits and hope to all humanity, sometimes,though, the impact of a world changing invention flies a bit more under the radar. Such is the case with Curt Jones' amazing invention of Dippin' Dots.

A bowl of delectable dippin' dots

For those not in the know, Dippin' Dots is an ice cream confection created by flash freezing ice cream mix in liquid nitrogen (according to wikipedia). This is an impressive enough feat on its own, but to think of all the other incredible ways that dippin' dots succeed is nothing short of staggering. The fact that somebody actually came up with this as something to try is demonstrative of the creativity of humanity. "I love ice cream, but it would be so much better if it was made up of ice cold dots!"

Perhaps most impressive is the fact that this product idea was actually sold and marketed to be financed.

"So, what is it again?"

"Well, it's like Ice cream, but it's made of little dots"

"Why is it made of little dots?"

"It makes it taste better."

"Dots make it taste better?"

"Yes, It does."

"It does?!?"

This conversation would continue for hours. Anyway, I have digressed, the point is... Dippin' Dots are delicious. The next time you get the opportunity at the local McDonald's or Waterpark or wherever delightful novelties are sold, make sure you try "The Ice Cream of the Future".

It makes me wonder, if it is really from the future, are there going to be more dotified foods in the future? I would love to try some Dot Cola or Dot Pasta or Dot Soup, or DOT CHILI, that would be amazing! Are there any dotified foods that you crave?

In the world of gaming, there are certain predictabilities that we are willing to accept because we understand that they are a part of the gameworld or a constraint within the medium. Anyway, I always get a kick out of these oft repeated peculiarities and the effect they have on the game.

In my recent first time play through of Half-Life (thumbs up), I was reminded of one of my favorite quirks:

Gordon Freeman is a scientist, he graduated from MIT with a degree in psychics, I know this, the game makes it a special point to tell you right at the beginning of this fact. The emphasis is, of course, that MIT is not West-Point and a degree in Psychics is not a degree in "operating all manner of weaponry and explosives and other handy tools to blow your enemies into teeny chuncks with a precision comparable to that of a seasoned military veteran" I also believe that it's safe to assume that Freeman didn't graduate with a minor in "reloading shotguns while simultaneously climbing a ladder". As far as I know, those are not degrees offered at MIT (I would imagine cirque de sole is the best place to learn the shotgun ladder reloading). Anyway, I don't know where those skills came from.

Anyway, even if Freeman is somehow a mean killing, dorky glasses wearing machine, you'd think that he would meet his match up against THE U.S. ARMY. Tanks, machine guns, assassins and highly trained military commando's all basically do little more than kind of get in Gordon's way and get blown up by grenades. What branch of the military was the government sending down there?

"Hi,welcome to the army. For your first task, go kill some scientists over there."

"Sir, which is the half of the grenade that explodes?"

"You'll figure it out on the way, take these tanks and get going."

Of course, the inept army of Half-Life completely pales to what is probably the most inept army to ever appear in a video game: the Russian army in Goldeneye. Whereas in Half Life gave the feeling that you were only fighting a small portion of the military, in Goldeneye, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Bond had wiped out the entire Russian army. Even though Bond is renown for his ability to take on huge firefights without so much as a scratch, I would surmise that one highly trained lap dog could take out the army in Goldeneye. I can only guess that there was a more sinister plot in mind.

"Ok troops! I've finally figured out how we'll get Bond, stand in a group outside the door, then run in one by one and get shot, your bodies will stack up in the doorway and Bond will be stuck in the room and die of thirst."

"Sounds like a plan!"

Unfortunately for the Russian army, they didn't count on the hardware restrictions of the N64 making the bodies disappear after awhile, a small strategic oversight.

Are there any games you can think of that feature inept armies?

In the year 2012, all the phones in the world had caller id. Because of this, companies that relied on getting money over the phone were in tough shape, since nobody would answer when they saw the company's name on the caller id. All these companies got together and decided that they would all change their name to Michel Friedman so their phones call would seem friendlier. This worked for a while, until people realized what the companies had done, and they stopped answering the phone from Michel Friedman and things went back to how they were before. Michel Friedman, who lived on the corner of thirty-six and third, hadn't spoken to anybody on the phone in two months. He saw people walk by his window talking on their cell phones, but whenever he called somebody, they would never answer. He hoped that someday he would understand why.

Craig Roberts reached the end of Third Street and put his cell phone in his pocket. He looked up at the building that he hoped would be the new place of work. He went in.

"Well Mr. Roberts, it seems that you have extensive experience in this field and could contribute a lot to our corporation. I do have one quick question though."

"Sure"

"On the application, you left a blank space in the box labeled "superpower", why was that?"

"Oh, yeah, I was going to ask you about that, I wasn't sure what you meant by that"

"You know, superpower, flight, heat-vision, super-strength, what's yours?"

"I'm sorry, I'm still not following."

"Oh, it doesn't need to be something as big as those, I mean, we have uses for all kinds of powers, Bob can shred paper with his fingers and Marianne here can read minds."

An attractive blonde walked by, Craig nodded at her, she glared disapprovingly back.

"Well, I don't think that I have any super powers, but I am a fast typist."

"Hmm, well Mr. Roberts, unfortunately, we here at Michel Friedman make it is a policy to only employ those people with superpowers, I'm sorry, it's nothing against you, it's just always been company policy, Sarah will show you out."

Craig could not open his mouth to speak, his body stood up and his feet led him to a smaller room. A women across the room stared at him. Her eyes became larger than he thought anybodies eyes could ever be, they began to glow. Before he had a chance to panic, Craig was back on the corner of thirty six and third. He hoped that someday, he would understand what had happened.