• 16Jun 08

  Marvel Might as Well Take Your Money with a Gun and a Ski Mask

  So, like millions of other suckers this weekend, I shelled out $10 to see The "Incredible" Hulk. In case you hadn't realized by the title of this blog I feel robbed.

  Comic book movies are not about making a good movie, they are simply about taking your money. When was the last major comic book movie opening that didn't take first at the box office? I can't think of one. Now with that in mind when was the last really almost universally applauded comic book movie? Spiderman? 300? Sin City? How many have opened since then? Tons because Hollywood is completely out of creativity and would rather screw up something than think of something on their own.

  People will of course refer to Ironman from earlier this year as an example of a good comic book movie. I couldn't disagree more. These same people confuse a good performance from Robert Downey Jr for a good movie. He was AMAZING in Ironman but the movie was crap.

  In my opinion, if you take out the Frank Miller adaptations you have to go all the way back to 1989 to find a really good comic book to movie adaptation with Tim Burton's Batman. Michael Keaton really made you believe he was obsessively crazy (not so much a millionaire playboy) and Jack Nicholson gave the comic book villain of a lifetime performance as the Joker.

  Before that you have to go all the way back to 1978 when Richard Donner first made a Superman movie. That movie is still to this day the best comic book movie of all time. The reason why it worked so well was because of casting. Christopher Reeves was totally believable as Clark Kent/Superman because of his jaw line, his build and the fact that he was a complete unknown. If you throw a known actor in that role it doesn't seem as believable. All you would be thinking is, "Hey look, its James Caan in a Superman outfit!"

  This brings me back to why comic book movies nowadays are terrible. Because they've been corrupted and bastardized by the Hollywood system they are automatically cast with big name actors. This was especially a problem in the Incredible Hulk because all I kept thinking was, "There's Tyler Durden about to turn green and go crazy!" Same thing with Batman Begins. No matter what I did I couldn't get the idea of Christian Bale chasing a hooker with a chainsaw out of my head and that doesn't help me when he's supposed to play Bruce Wayne.

  Now, don't get me wrong and think that I'm advocating for the casting of comic book movies to be done at the local high school drama department. I think casting well known actors as the villain works really well (Jack Nicholson, Gene Hackman, etc) but because of how much is known about the protagonist in comic book films I feel like the lead should be played by an unknown so as not to conjure images of their past roles when playing a well known and loved character that already exists in the minds of the movie goers.

  Another key for comic book movies, especially since they instantly become franchises is for them to be careful with the villains. The Superman movies worked so well because Gene Hackman was in them all. Superman fought Lex Luther for decades so why not keep him around for more than one movie. The biggest problem with the Batman movies was that they shot their load with the villains early. Not only did the Joker die at the end of the first film but after that they started to move to multiple villains in each film... Catwoman and the Penguin, then The Riddler and Two Face and by the time the franchise was completely in the crapper they had Poison Ivy and Mr Freeze.

  The Spiderman films are running into the same problems. First was Green Goblin, then Doc Oc, then The Sandman AND Venom. Are you seriously telling me that no one in Hollywood thought that a movie of just Spiderman and Venom wouldn't be awesome? Someone said, "Yeah, Venom's good but lets throw in one more villain and somehow tie that into Uncle Ben's death." WHAT? Let it be 2 hours of him versus Venom and you might have the best Spidey movie of them all!

  I am officially done watching comic book movies. They are all crap and given the huge Hollywood treatment instead of being treated like the sensitive pieces of fiction like they are. No one would dare take real liberties with The Bible or Harry Potter, so why is it that Hollywood is free to take whatever liberties it wants with comic books?

  What makes my problem even worse is the box office numbers. Hollywood has no incentive to stop churning out this crapola because no matter what hardcore fanboys will still line up around the block to see their favorite comic book character butchered in a way that would have otherwise made Stan Lee cry if it wasn't for the fact that he's a million years old and has about three billion dollars in the bank. The lines would still be long even if the movie was 2 hours of Edward Norton wearing green body paint and farting into a microphone while repeating... "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." Even then people would still say, "It wasn't that bad" which in case you don't have a firm grasp of the English language is not exactly a ringing endorsement.

  Rob

  • Posted Jun 16, 2008 1:43 pm PT
  • Category: Movies
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• 28May 08

  Sadly, It's Our Fault For Buying What They're Selling

  I am constantly amazed at how the gaming companies make their products out to be more than simple entertainment. They constantly portray them as life altering experiences that one can equate to having a child or getting married.

  The Wii is going to change your life! Really? How is it going to change my life? Is it going to my make otherwise exceptionally sedentary lifestyle more active because I have a fancy digital scale hooked to my gaming console? Is it going to make me lose weight because instead of sitting around inhaling doritos all day I'm going to stand on a balance board and head virtual soccer balls?

  If I wanted to be healthier I would engage in real activities, not ones connected to my video game console. Perhaps this is not true for children but as an adult... particularly one with disposable income to afford such luxuries, I'm sick of being marketed to like I'm some sort of simple minded person who can't make decisions on his own. Perhaps fat children (yes, I said it, I'm not their parents and we all know what a fat child is) might enjoy Wii Fit and use it as a springboard to get into a healthier lifestyle but isn't that asking too much of our means of entertainment? What's next? Blue's Clues episodes where the children actually look for things in their own house?

  Home is going to change the way you look at interactive connectivity! Really? Interesting. Here I am just sitting around thinking that interactive connectivity works just fine with some menus. I find the category with which I want to interact, select it then move to the corresponding choice that I was looking for. Seems to work just fine to me. After all, most computer operating systems work in that same manner and people seem to be just happy with them.

  Of course by people, I mean the users and not the companies that make them because if you ask those, the way that you use a computer right now is basically archaic and non-intuitive. Wow... how was it that a few years ago with XP or Vista came out they were supposedly the cream of the crop and the best way to interact with a computer but now are the equivalent to using a rotary phone?

  Could it be that all these technological advances that are supposed to make our lives better are mearly an illusion? Could Wii Fit be nothing more than an average product with one hell of a marketing campaign? Could Home be interactive overkill that is billed as the second coming of the XBL Jesus?

  I know its the companies job to make money and by putting out new products its their way of doing that. What I don't understand is that these companies have two responisbilities, one to their shareholders and two to us as consumers. The responsibility to their shareholders is obvious but what about their one to the consumer? Aren't they a vehicle for us to get what we want? Aren't we supposed to be setting the trends and having them cater to us? When did this thing go all bizarro on us that we're just sitting around waiting for them to tell us what we want?

  How many people were sitting around in front of their video game consoles for all these years saying, "Man, sitting on my ass all day is cool but if only I could play video games and be active at the same time, my life would be perfect!"? Had their been an actual demand or thought process similar to that then why did it take so long for us to get Wii Fit? With video gaming being in 4th decade now are you telling me that only now is the technology there for us to do this?

  Where was the outcry amongst XBL users for a digital avatar with which to walk from place to place in virtual space as a means of getting what we want? Who sat around and looked at the XBL interface and said, "You know what? This streamlined menu system is just wrong! I want to create a digital doppleganger and have him walk from place to place in order to get the same things I can get here with a menu based system in fractions of seconds! I want to spend time virtually walking from the EA area to the LucasArts area to see what's going on over there instead of just hitting a few buttons on my controller! You know what would make this even better? If I decided to go to this virtual limbo to find people to play with instead of just booting up the game and going to the online lobbies there! That would be brilliant!"

  Video game companies have become too full of themselves. They think that just because they work in the industry and because we're the consumer that we're just sitting around on pins and needles waiting for them to tell us what we want. They've forgotten that we're the ones who really run the show, we're the ones who spend the money on their products and if we had any spine of our own we would sit back and not buy the things that they're selling... because we didn't ask for them!

  All you need to do is look at the marketing behind things that there was no clammoring for. Wii Fit? You can't swing a dead cat without a Wii Fit commercial being on TV! Home? You can't ask the people at Sony about a television without them bringing up Home. If these products were that great and in TRUE demand by the gamer you wouldn't have to sell them so hard. When was the last time you saw a commercial for a Flu vavcine? You know why you don't see them? Because they're a product that is really needed and you don't need to sell it to us, it sells itself.

  Now, I realize my anger is misguided here because the reason why anyone does anything is because they can. The reason why Nintendo and Sony are shoving their products down our throats is simply because we're letting them. Not only are we allowing them to do it, but we're validating their decisions by buying their products. We're at fault here. We have no one to blame but ourselves.

  We are a the epitome of rampant consumers. We buy things because they're offered and not because we wanted them or needed them. The more we allow this to continue the more half-baked, half-finished and inferior products that are going to be forced upon us. We, as gamers need to stand up and say, "This is what we want! Give it to us! Don't try to distract us from wanting quality GAMING products by promoting things that are not what we as the gamer population is looking for! We want good games and good products, not this drivel that you're selling us!"

  A man can dream, I suppose.

  Rob

  • Posted May 28, 2008 4:06 pm PT
  • Category: Editorial
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• 27May 08

  Screw You Guys... I'm NOT Going Home.

  So, Sony still hasn't released Home yet. How many people are as heartbroken as I am? Yeah, that's what I thought. I haven't been a "gamer" for that long of a period of time but even in that short amount of time I can't remember anything being hyped so much that I cared so little about.

  If I wanted to "play" Second Life, I would. If I wanted to hang out in internet chat rooms with people who liked Madden, I would. Why the hell am I going to go through all the hassle of decorating a virtual space to show off to other people? Even better, why the hell am I going to check out other people's virtual spaces? Ooooh, look, you like to play Motorstorm! Wow, that's neat! I like to play Motorstorm too... come check out my trophies! Isn't this exciting?

  Sony, seriously, just give me some menus to navigate, some movies to download and call it a day. I don't want to spend my time in some horrible Second Life ripoff trying to find people to play Warhawk with. I don't care. Just give me a service that works and some good content and be done with this whole charade.

  You've spent almost as much time developing and delaying Home as it took to make a polio vaccine and no matter what you tell me, Sony, Home isn't going to be nearly as important. Either get it out or shut up about it. I'm sick of accidentally devoting any more time in my life to listen to you brag about how Home is going to be the greatest thing since sliced bread.

  Rob

  • Posted May 27, 2008 4:04 pm PT
  • Category: Games
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