Yup, I'm still alive. And happy to see that you all (everybody) are still in the land of the living as well!


That is all . . . . for now.

So, I haven't been around for a while. You may not even remember me. You may not really care. But I thought I'd share my story anyway.

11 years ago, before I got married, I started having some "female" problems. Mostly a bad constant pain in the left side of my abdomen. There's more to it, but I'll spare ya those details. Anyway, I finally found a doctor interested in helping me, and he did a laparoscopic surgery. I was 18 and newly married, so he didn't really tell me that he was expecting to find endometriosis. The surgery revealed nothing. Nothing at all. So he put me on birth control pills, and things eventually got better.

Flash forward a few years.
We decide we'd like to get pregnant, so I go off the pills. We try and try, but to no avail and eventually the pain & other symptoms come back. I was heartbroken. I went to a different doctor, and he couldn't really do anything for me either. So, dammit!

Eventually, I did conceive. We had Little3 almost five years ago, and I was symptom free for a long time after. Then I went on birth control pills a year ago and had a bad time of it. When I stopped taking them, the pain came back and was bigger than ever.

A third doctor ordered an ultrasound, suspecting ovarian cysts. Sure enough, there they were. And my left ovary was twice its normal size. So I went back to doctor #1 - who had delivered Little3 - and he did laparoscopy #2 to remove my ovary on September 27. This time, there was endometriosis on the outside of my ovary, and that's why it was enlarged. Everything else looked okay. No endometriosis anywhere else, but my uterus felt a little soft. This suggested adenomyosis, but he said he couldn't be sure unless he removed my uterus and we weren't ready for that. I'm happy. Finally the mystery-pain that has haunted me for more than 11 years was gone.

Wrong.

Less than a week after surgery, I had pain again. So I looked up "adenomyosis" and found out that that's just endometriosis eating away the inside of the uterus rather than the outside.

Less than a month after surgery, my hubby and I went back to my doctor. He told me about a drug called Lupron. Scary ass drug, and it only buys you a little time. So we decided on a hysterectomy.

December 5, I had a laparoscopic hysterectomy. He took my other ovary, just so I wouldn't have any more problems or surgeries. I came home the next day, feeling pretty good.

Then on the 8th, I got up to tinkle and had some SEVERE pain. Like, off the charts. Screaming in agony. It was horrible. I suffered most of the day, then went to the ER.

I got treated like a junkie looking for a fix. After 7 hours, x-rays, pelvic exam, and a CT scan, they sent me home with a diagnosis of constipation. They said that the pain medicine I was taking was keeping me from going. Whatever!

The next day was Sunday, and I still felt like hell. Going potty was agony. Literal agony -- I'm not exaggerating. I couldn't walk upright, I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't eat. Then the swelling started.

Under one of my incisions, on my left side, there was a collection of fluid the size of an orange. By bedtime, it was like a football. This can't be good.

The next morning, I look like I'm six-months pregnant. No joke. I called my doctor's office and got an appointment for that afternoon. He thought it was probably a hematoma, but the ultrasound was baffling him. I went into surgery that night. Again. Laparoscopy #4 (the third in two months) revealed that I had a hole in my bladder. My body was full of urine, and it had broken through my abdominals and was filling out my saggy belly skin. Lovely.

What had most likely happened was: during the hysterectomy, he was detatching my uterus from my bladder and cauterized a bleeding blood vessel too deeply and damaged the tissue. It takes about 3 days for that tissue to slough off and then the bladder ruptures. My hole was the diameter of an ink pen.

My doctor was SO apologetic. I actually thought he was going to cry when he was telling me what happened. I wasn't upset. Accidents happen, and there are risks with surgery. It really could have been worse.

So, he fixed me up and I had to wear a catheter for 11 days. Eleven LONG days. I can't describe how uncomfortable & humiliating those 11 days were. The whole experience was pretty embarassing. My darling husband even called me "Miss Peebody". Ain't he sweet.

I got my catheter out the Friday before the Christmas weekend. I felt instantly better, but it turns out that I have a bladder infection now. No biggie, just another week of antibiotics and I should be as good as new. Better, even.

Hormone replacement therapy was the thing I dreaded most of all. Surgery never scared me. It turns out I was wrong all the way around. I haven't had a single hormonal problem. I ended up losing another 8 pounds after the bladder surgery, bringing me down to 145. I'm now 50 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight. I gained a lot of weight when the pain first started 11 years ago. Now I weigh less than I did when I graduated high school. And I haven't even worked out since September.

The endometriosis was sort of toxic. I just felt wrong. It was a lot like being pregnant, but with pain and no happiness. Now that it's gone, I feel like a new woman. Like I should have felt when I was younger.

They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I don't know if I feel stronger, but I definitely have better perspective. I appreciate the little things more. Little things like . . . peeing into the toilet.

It's not an infection, and there isn't a cure. Autism is a neurological disorder.

From autism.com :
Many autistic infants are different from birth.

In the first few years of life, some autistic toddlers reach developmental milestones, such as talking, crawling, and walking, much earlier than the average child; whereas others are considerably delayed.

Approximately one-half of autistic children develop normally until somewhere between 1 1/2 to 3 years of age; then autistic symptoms begin to emerge. These individuals are often referred to as having 'regressive' autism. Some people in the field believe that candida albicans, vaccinations, exposure to a virus, or the onset of seizures may be responsible for this regression.

I tell you all this, because I watched Oprah yesterday. And again was disappointed.

I must admit that Jenny McCarthy did a better job in 20 minutes showing what life with an autistic child is like, than the Autism Speaks people did in an hour. Jenny's attitude was positive, she was smiling, and she clearly loves her son. The same did not come across from the others, who were on Oprah's stage last season.

McCarthy actually educated people on therapy options, and showed America the smiling face of a child with autism. Yes, folks! It actually does happen! And it is a beautiful thing.

Yet my disappointment is in the "facts" that keep getting presented. The story that goes, "My child was developing, hitting the milestones, talking, looking in my eyes, and then after they got their MMR they went away. They were gone. There was nothing."

McCarthy even presented pictures of her son before & after the age of 16 months, to show how his "soul was gone from his eyes". Say wha?!

I am a mother, and I know that no one knows our babies better than we do. So I am willing to accept that these parents have, in fact, experienced things in the way that they say.

But where are the parents of the other half of the autistic children? The children like Little3, that never spoke a single word until well after their second birthday, and several speech therapy and occupational therapy sessions? Where are the parents that accept that their child was born, is beautiful, is struggling, and needs to be understood, not cured? Am I really the only one? ------------------------------------------------------
ETA: Some better articulation here, although my beliefs are far less extremist than this. I just hope that the information in that article may help a little, in offering another view. And that of autistic people themselves, not just outraged parents of autistic children.
Oooh! Here's another fascinating article, from the New York Times.
You can find me in the gray area. I just want to let my son be who he is, and do what I can to help him be comfortable. We did feeding therapy to try to help him tolerate soft foods, so that he could have a healthier diet. No avail, but we tried. Our main focus is on a happy, healthy Little3. We are starting to worry about the "normal" classroom, as Kindergarten looms in his future. But the thought turns my stomach, so I dare not consider it more just now.

I am well. Pretty much. I'll spare you all the boring details.

Little3's potty trained this week. He did it in two days. Of course he is four years old, so I can hardly brag. But with the special circumstances.... I'm shocked that he's potty trained under the age of 6.

I've been sort of keeping up with everyone -- stalker/lurker style -- but just haven't been where I could comment.

I have put together a few albums, one to keep track of weight loss (and gain), one of Little3, and one of our house.

Here it is, if you're interested.
http://www.picturetrail.com/autismmom_03

Holla back. How's you?

I've lost 9 pounds this month. I now have a neck, and cheekbones! Stepping up exercise and stepping down portions = success. Yay!

I also darkened my hair to my natural color. Well, close anyway. Looks good. Better than blonde, I think. Little3 is just fabulous, and really enjoying his summer break.

Marriage is ... meh.

How're you all?

Autism x 6


That is a challenge that I am simply not up to. I seriously doubt I could handle it. Some days, I feel like I can't even handle living with my one autistic boy.

Those people deserve more than effin' Oscar winners get. It pisses me off. I must go now.

... a big magnet. It was really very frightening. And you know what happened next? Nothing happened, John. Nothing happened at all.

That annoyed the hell out of me the first time we heard it, back in season two of Lost. Just what does a magnet sound like, anyway?!

Now I know.

Today I had an MRI. My grandmother died from an aneurysm at the young age of 55. Since this condition is often inherited, and in light of recent increase in migraines and symptoms that I've had in connection with exercise, coughing, etc; I went into the hatch for a shift today.

I'm sad to report that there was no super-Fine Dr. Jack Shepard working at Premiere Diagnostic Imaging, but happy to inform you that I do, in fact, have a brain and no sign of aneurysm. Not even early stage.

This is good. And my doctor is encouraged by my low/normal blood pressure. She told me - and I should have known this but I didn't - that exercise helps keep blood pressure low. So there's another incentive.

I'm building more tolerance to the Topamax. The first week at full dosage I was pretty... um, blonde. Hubby would get really annoyed at me, but it's just like you lose your train of thought and totally draw a blank. I'd think he - of ALL people - would understand. He said that it's not like having a conversation with the same intelligent woman. I said we never have conversations anymore anyway. Not funny. Oops.

I say my pills just bring me down to his level. Not funny. Oops again. She's about to strike out, folks.

He got really pissy with me in a store the other night because I forgot that Advil (I think it was ) makes ibuprofen. He got REALLY annoyed. I say, "Well, now you know what it's like living with you." He says, "But you haven't always been this way."

So I hit a homerun.

I say, "Then at least you have good memories."

He blinked.

Ah, marriage. Made in heaven. So are thunder and lightning.

And without much further ado (there will be a bit more ), a link to pix of my house.

My camera .... blah. I don't know. It could've been me. Anyway, some of the pix I took just aren't flattering enough to share. My living room and master bedroom to name a couple. But there are enough to at least show you all (everybody) that I'm not full of crap and I am in fact living in a fabulous new house. clicky

Just thought I should put that out there. Of course, I wouldn't be me if I'd done it any sooner. Like, say... the first of the month.

For those of you who don't know me -- Thank you SO much for taking an interest! Please see the following links:
AutismSpeaks.org
10 Things Every Child With Autism Wishes You Knew

Otherwise, this blog is intended for my friends. Feel free to join the club!

I just found out today that there's an autism awareness walk on the 28th. I plan to participate, even though I have no more information than that. You can expect to hear more when I do. Maybe even some modest request for sponsorship. With absence of obligation of course! I've never been good at asking for anything, only good at talking people out of helping me. You know the type.

My meds seem to finally be helping a bit. I woke up the day before my birthday with a monstrously painful migraine, but it didn't last quite as long. And I haven't had one since. *knocks on wood* I'm losing my sense of taste. Not complaining exactly, since a love of food and lack of willpower has sabotaged my total weight-loss goal in spite of the love of exercise I once had. Yeah, you read right. I once had a love for exercise. But then I realized that it was triggering some of my migraines. So I was scared off a bit. I only worked out 8 days in the month of March. Three times in the last 3 weeks. This is quite remarkable for me. I made a feeble attempt yesterday, and was almost ashamed. I recognize that any exercise is good, but I just couldn't perform like I could a month ago. Hopefully things will balance out soon.

But with the loss of appetite will (hopefully) come loss of weight. I just hate to lose my muscle mass and my stamina. So I'm hoping that I'll build a tolerance to the odd effects that this Topamax is already having on my brain - at half dose - and I'll be able to get back to my healthy self. It's a bit of a catch-22. I may or may not be able to do advanced choreography Step aerobics on Topamax, but I sure as hell can't do them with a migraine. Or a migraine hangover (rebound). ----------------------------------------------------- Autism. Migraines. Drugs, loss of taste and memory. Weight gain?

I need a little pick-me-up. Lucky for me, I still remember just the thing....



Oh, yeah. That's just what I'm needin'......

We need rain. BADLY.

This is my back yard. Well, a very small part of it anyway. And that is one of my now-famous trees. That one is actually a weeping cherry grafted onto a mandarin orange tree trunk. Should be interesting to see the difference.

This is the original weeping cherry, in (obviously) the front yard:


The front yard got seed back in February, I think. That's why it's so lovely. The rest didn't get it until about 2 weeks ago. It's only sprinkled here once since, and water costs about the same as gasoline out here in the boonies so it's not looking too good right now. But I'm just lovin' this house!!
Pix of interior to come, I promise.

PS - Have you seen this? I'm loving it!!
Alanis Morissette "My Humps" video

What a day. Oy!

I woke at 5:30 Sunday in the grips of a migraine, and couldn't get out of bed until noon. So when hubby asked me how my birthday was going at 8:15 yesterday I said, "Any day that doesn't start out with a migraine has to be a good day."

Jinx.

Monday is floor cleaning day in the Moss household. Woo Hoo. I also had to clean out Korben's crate, so I left him out to play with Chester while it dried. Two hours later, new puppy, Korben, was nowhere to be found.

I mean Nowhere.

I went outside, and Chester was right here. Right where they'd been playing all morning. No sign of Korben.

I drove up and down our road and talked to every neighbor that was home. He wasn't with any of the dogs that I saw. By this time I had to go pick up Little3 from school, and you can guess who he was asking for.

When we got home, we went into the woods behind our house looking and calling for Korben. No sign. It was so weird.

My brother and mom keep saying that someone had to have seen him and taken him. But I just find that SO hard to believe.

When hubby got home, he and Little3 rode on the ATV and I rode my bicycle and we asked more neighbors and searched more. Nothing.

I can't tell you all how much I cried. It was horrible. He's only four months old. He's little. And he's not been just the perfect little puppy that I imagined when I brought him home. At first we had a lot of trouble with him biting Little3. Corgis are herders, so he would nip Little3's feet and legs when he walked or ran. Okay. But he also jumped up and bit his face several times when he wasn't paying Korben attention. It got so that Little3 was afraid of Korben and didn't want to be near him.

Once we worked through that, I was able to focus my impatience on the fact that he isn't housebreaking. He still isn't house-broken! Crate-trained, yes. He'll hold it all night and half a day in his crate. But he won't hold it 2 hours in the house. Grrrr.

So, I haven't always been just the sweetest and most loving to him. "Thorn in my side" has passed my lips more than once. And of course, as soon as I realized he was missing I started beating myself up about how I've mistreated him and how mean I've been to him etc.

By dark, I was nearly sick with grief and emotional exhaustion. All I wanted was a shower and my bed, and as I passed the back door I saw those familiar little satellite ears. Waiting at the door like nothing had happened!

We can't figure what happened. It seems odd that there was no sign of him anywhere, so it's kind of hard to believe that he just wandered off and got lost. But we also don't want to believe that one of our very few neighbors would have taken him. However, it looks kinda funny.

Whatever happened, our adorable little guy is back and healthy. And I have a slightly gentler view of him. Traumatic as it was, I guess it was a birthday to remember.

PS - Just got film developed, so please allow me to brag.

Migraines. (Kimba can you hear me? )

I've had them in occasional bouts since high school, but in the last few years they've gotten closer and closer together. I've had no less than 2 per week for the last 6 months. It's taken me a couple of doctor visits to finally find hope -- in the form of Topamax. For those of you not familiar, Topamax is the leading drug for the prevention of migraines.

So now I'm optimistic. I've only been on this med for 4 days now, and it'll take almost a month to build up to the full 100mg daily dosage, but this seems like a much brighter future than taking pain medication (that didn't help very much) 2-4 times per week. Can we say "addict", class???



I'd like to add that my brother bought me two -- not one, but TWO!! -- weeping cherry trees for my birthday. I love my brother. Now I just have to decide where I want them planted.

And upon updating my profile, I must add that I was shocked and appalled to see that Nikki and Paolo (whose names I hope never to mention again) have their own avatars. What?! Oh, wait. This is Tv.com. Nevermind.

I know this is corny, but it gave me a chuckle. It came from one of MANY fw:FW:Fw: emails that I get. Gotta love 'em, right?

So anyway, here it is. Let's be kids again for just a minute kay?

The following is excerpted from a children's book, CaptainUnderpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by DavePilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume newnames...

So:

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2 Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

I am Boobie Pottyfanny. Very appropriate. Speaks mountains about my physique. (pun intended)

Yeah, I know. I'm probably not nearly as popular as I was a year ago. Please forgive me!!

Things are all out-of-whack here still. The house is perfect for us, and we're all loving it. Little3's doing great in school, but where there's kids there's germs. All 3 of us have been sicker since he started school than we've EVER been. Little3 had his first bout with strep throat last week, but all are better now.

We've found a taker on our old house, and it should be rolling out of here next week! This is woooooonderful news, since it's only about 12 feet behind our new house. I have a fabulous view of it from my big beautiful kitchen window. But like I said, that's almost over. Oh, I can't WAIT!

Final bit of news -- we have a new addition to our family. In lieu of the aquarium that I've been saving up for to buy Little3, I broke down hubby's defenses and brought home 8-week-old Korben today. The most precious little thing you've ever seen!!! He's a Pembroke Welsh Corgi, and we named him after Bruce Willis' character in one of our favorite movies -- The Fifth Element.

So I'm just beside myself with joy right now, and wanted to share my bliss with you all (everybody). Oh yeah!! And that reminds me that my beloved LOST returns this week!!!!!

Oops, I peed my pants.

We moved in on Thanksgiving Day! Our internet wasn't working, so I couldn't have bragged any sooner even if I'd had the time.

Things haven't been so great in our household for the past couple of weeks, so the move has been slightly less exciting than it should be. Not to say that I'm not THRILLED!!! Little3 started with a sinus infection/ear infection on Saturday (Nov 11) so I took him to the dr that following Monday. Then that next day, I had to run a couple of errands and Little3 got over-stimulated at a store and in the frenzy I hurt my back picking him up for about the 10th time in a 5-minute span. Now, I lift the boy countless times in a day, and I live to work out; so this was a very big deal to me. It was bad. I managed to make it back to the truck, with our God-send salesman carrying Little3 for me. I cried all the way home, the pain was so bad, and when I got here I couldn't walk without Hubby's help. Horrible, I tell ya. He stayed home with me Wed, and my mom took me to the ER on Thursday since I wasn't doing any better (my chiro told me that it was 50% likelihood a disc injury, and if I wasn't improving to go get an MRI). Of course, the ER dr didn't want to give me an MRI, so I got x-rays and a steroid shot. The shot helped enough that I could walk, but I'm still in some pain. I wasn't able to help at all with the move, which was infinitely frustrating considering that we had planned on doing the bulk of it ourselves (me & hubby). But my mom and stepdad were here, and they were SOOOO much help!

In the midst of all that, Little3 contracted a stomach flu. Vomiting all over the place. And hubby was SOOOO good with him. Then, just when my back got so that I could be left alone..... you'll never guess........I got the stomach flu. Bad. Maybe even worse than the back pain. That was on the following Monday, and I was too sick to take Little3 to school. I took him on Tuesday, and they called me 2 hours later and said that he was vomiting. So I had to go pick up my poor sick baby again. He didn't have it as bad the second time around, thank Heaven. I absolutely HATE seeing him sick.

So, anyway..... Here we are in our beautiful, HUGE, new house. Still not quite settled, but it feels like home. We splurged and got a 50-inch plasma tv (bring on LOST!!). We've moved WAAAAAAYYYYY up in the world; our other tv was a 27-inch console tv that my parents bought 20 years ago. You know, the wood still looks great and there's nothing wrong with the picture or sound (except that it's not digital or stereo) so I put it in my exercise room. My very own room, dedicated solely to my exercise obsession! And I don't know when I'll get to use it!! I had a minor setback with my back last night, so that nixed the idea I had yesterday that I might be ready for some low-impact cardio today. Oh, well -- at least I'm still walking semi-upright.

I can't believe that I've b****ed on for so long sitting in this house. I should be slapped! This place is beautiful, even if I did do all the decorating. I promise to share some pictures, just as soon as I get some artwork up on the walls.

I hope you are all well!!

A plague of Biblical proportion. Some people think they're cute; some people even collect them. I friggin' HATE them.

Ladybugs.

Swarming outside my house(s). And swarming inside, as well. I expected it in the old house, since it's not well-built and has lots of holes and leaks. It still sucks, but I was expecting it.

The new house.....I'm pissed. Because it's somewhat preventable. The brick masons left both garage doors open all day. Oh, and they also left lights on. Lights. As if the sun isn't bright enough for these guys.

And then yesterday, after the first wave had died down, my brother-in-law finished painting our exterior doors. Naturally, they were all flung wide open, so now my beautiful new house is infested.

An exterminator friend of the family said that he got 37 calls on Friday from people wanting him to help rid them of these infuriating little pests. But he can't do it. They are Asian ladybugs, released via airplane over our region (and maybe yours, too) to..... hell, I don't know what they are expected to do. I know ladybugs supposedly eat aphids, but I don't have an aphid problem. Just a serious ladybug problem.

They bite, just in case you didn't know that. Literally bite. Or pinch. Whatever - it stings. Not unbearably painful, but unbearably annoying. They're drawn to heat, so anything I cook has to be covered at all times or it gets a little extra seasoning/protein.

Of course, I guess that if some tiny little beetles are all I have to complain about then I'm doing pretty well. To be perfectly honest, they're not all I have to complain about; they're just all I'm going to complain about. Today.

Well wishes, all!

Hmmmm......not sure really how to start a blog anymore. :\

I guess I'll just jump right in. The house is coming along slowly but surely. We've finished the painting, the flooring, and the cabinets went in Monday. Now all that's left is: put down the baseboards, finish the plumbing, have carpet installed in master bedroom, have power lines run to the house, get appliances, pantry needs shelving, smoke detectors still haven't been installed, not to mention all the doorknobs since our "painter" hasn't finished the exterior doors, the patio can't be finished until we get rid of the house we're living in now (I can't wait for that one, let me tell ya), and hubby will have to fix the yard and we'll need a driveway.

Our deadline is November 10. I doubt we're going to make it.

So that's where that stands, just in case you were wondering.

Since I'm here, I'd like to post something that a friend found on a support-group board for parents of special needs children. You don't have to read it if you're not interested; it won't hurt my feelings. In the immortal words of Kimba -- "Peace All"


I am the little engine that did. When, on my journey in life, my tracks led me to the mountain -a diagnosis of Autism - I pondered the obstacles before me, and I then said to myself over and over, "I think I can, I think I can...". I slowly started climbing the mountain saying to myself over and over, "I know I can, I know I can..." and made it over that ominous diagnosis and continued my journey. I am the little engine that did.

I am more devoted than Noah's wife. I sometimes feel overwhelmed in my "houseboat" 365 days and 365 nights a year, constantly working with and teaching my child. But when the storms of isolation and monotony become most unbearable, I do not jump ship. Instead I wait for the rainbow that is promised to come.

I am Xena. Real life warrior goddess of Autism. With my steel plated armor I can battle anyone who gets in my way of progress for my child. I can overcome the stares and ignorance of those without a disability in their lives - educate them as to why my child is the way he is, and why he does the things he does. With my sword of persistence, I can battle any schools to have them properly educate my child. Yes, I am Xena - and I am prepared for any battle that might come my way.

I am beautiful. I have hairy legs because I get no time alone in the bathroom, and bags under my eyes from staying up all night with my child. The only exercise I get is the sprint from my house to my car - to take my child to therapy. Dressed up to me is, well - just that I had the moment to get dressed! They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and so even on the days when I don't feel very beautiful I will know that I am... because God is my beholder.

I am the Bionic Woman. With my bionic vision, I can see through the diability my child has and see the beauty in his soul, the intelligence in his eyes - when others can't. I have bionic hearing - I can look at my child when he smiles at me, and hear him say, "I Love You Mommy", even though he can't talk. Yes, I am thankful to be Bionic.

I am Mary. A not so well known mother... of a Special child who was brought here to touch those around him, in a way that will forever change them. And it started with me,
by teaching me things I would have never known, by bringing me friendships I never would have had, and by opening my eyes to what really matters most in life. Things like the joy of just living in the moment, and knowing an unconditional love that words cannot express. Yes, I too am blessed by my special child, just like Mary.

I am Superwoman. I am able to leap over tall loads of laundy in a single bound, and run faster than a speeding bullet to rescue my child from danger. Oh yes, without a doubt, I am Superwoman.

I am Moses. I was chosen to be the mother of a special needs child. I may at times question whether I am the right "man" for the job, but God will give me the faith I need to lead my child to be the best he can be. And like Moses, God will give me the small miracles here and there needed to accomplish my mission.

I am Stretch Armstong -- a mom that can be stretched beyond belief -- and still somehow return to normal. I can stretch limited funds to cover every treatment and therapy that insurance won't. I can stretch my patience as I bounce from doctor to doctor in a quest to treat my child. I can stretch what time I have, and share it with my husband, my child, and still have some leftover to help my friends. Yes, my name is Stretch. And I have the stretch-marks to prove it!

I am Rosa Parks. I refuse to move or waver -- in what I believe is right for my child, simply because he is viewed as the minority, not the majority. I refuse to believe "What can one mother do?" I will ensure that he gets the services he needs.

I am Hercules -- the Greek god known for strength and courage. The heavy loads I must carry would make others crumble to the ground. The weight of sorrow, fear at uncertainty of the future, injustice at having no answers, and the tears of dispair, would alone be too much -- even for Hercules. But then the joy, laughter, smiles, and pride at my child's accomplishments balance the load to make it easy to bear.

I am Touched By An Angel. An angel who lives in a world of his own. And it's true. He lives in a world of innocence and purity. A world without hatred and deceit. A world where everyone is beautiful and where no one is ugly. A world where there is always enough time. A world where he goes to bed with no worries of tomorrow and wakes up with no regrets of the past. Yes, I most certainly am touched by an angel, and in some ways his world is better.......

I am a mom of special needs child, all the above, and so much more. Somedays I will want to be none of the above, and just be a typical mom with a typical child, doing all the typical things. On those days I will know it's okay to be angry, and to cry, and to lean on my family and friends for support. Because after all, the most important thing that I am...... is human.

You all are. And I'm so thankful to have you! I apologize for being out of touch for so long. I haven't forgotten anyone, I promise. I value the friendships that I've made here, and look forward to the time that I have ... well, the time to catch up on what each of you has been up to.

For now, I hope you won't think me selfish for just dropping in with a brief update on what's been keeping me busy.

First off - The House. Seems like it should be in capital letters, it's been so consuming. The drywall is up, mudded, and primed. I got to do the bulk of the priming, which is not a glorious job. Of course. All that I've been able to contribute to date is intensive cleaning (Have you ever seen a house when the drywall hangers are finished? I got to clean that sh*t up. Only took me an entire day.) and about 4 days worth of priming. Then someone else gets to come in and claim the glory of having painted my house. But I do get the full credit of designing the place. I'll just be so happy to finally see something that I imagined coming to fruition.

Hubby's hanging in there. After putting in a full labor-intensive day at work he comes home and works on building us a new home. Then his weekends are tied up out there too. I dare say we're in the final stretch -- we expect to be in sometime in November. Little3 is LOVING school. He asks to go to school on weekends. And he is a totally different child. He's more focused and easier to reign after starting school. But Sundays are hard, because he's been without the structure and stimulation that he gets from school for so long. How I dread fall break! Two weeks without school, and I won't have a single hair left in my head.

So it's hectic, but [for the most part] happy here. I hope things are well for each of you, as well. Here's a song. Dunno really what to say about it, except that I hope you like it. Thank the music gods for Smallville.
One Moment More by Mindy Smith

So, how're you? Whatcha up to these days?

First things first:
This is the house with the brick.
And here's a shot of the detail in the top of my front door. I'm going for very contemporary/craftsman decor. We have recessed lighting throughout, with some very contemporary fixtures. Let's just hope that my taste doesn't change again for the next 10 years.

I was just watching the Lost pilot on DVD (again!!) and realized just how much I have missed you all (everybody).

I know, I know -- it's my own damn fault. I'm the one who's been MIA for so long. But please don't think that out of sight is out of mind. I promise that I have been thinking of each and every one of you every day. It seems that I blog in my mind constantly, like I'm talking to you all while my day progresses, but when the time comes to get over here and turn on the computer I just....... don't. I don't know exactly why.

Part of my excuse is that things have been somewhat hectic lately. But haven't they been hectic everywhere?

Another part is that I've been trying to stay away from my time-devouring computer and getting some things done, such as: lose some more weight [unsuccessful], clean my house [moot point], and do some small chores to help hubby with the new house [meh].

And last but not at all least -- my baby has gone to school. If you remember my whining from early June, there is a preschool program for children with autism at a public school in our county. So I've sent my precious darling to public school at the tender age of 3. My only comforts have been that he would enjoy the learning, and that I would have more "free" time in my day. But that "free time" stuff is a total crock!! He's pretty independent. So if I want to work out, all I have to do is put up a gate between his room and the living room so he doesn't get kicked or so he doesn't climb on my back while I'm attempting to finish my push-ups. I miss him terribly, but this is his third week there and today was the best day he's had there by far. He had more difficulty with me leaving him than hubby and I ever imagined. Autistic people generally have trouble expressing and dealing with their emotions, so we were almost suspicious that maybe Little3 didn't really feel the way that we do. WRONG! He does, so it's been painful and at the same time warming to learn that he really loves us and is comforted by our presences.

So, what the hell have you all (everybody) been up to?!

Tons of love!!!!!!!!

By now, you probably know that I prefer the music of my youth. I call them oldies but goodies, though they're actually not that old. But there's this feeling I get when I'm hearing music that I loved as an early teenager. And that's what brings me here today.

PM Dawn.

I loved them the first time I them. I begged Mr3 (we were dating, so he gave me pretty much whatever I wanted ) to buy me the cassette. Yes, I had this cassette. So we could listen to it in his 1968 Chevrolet truck. [/fuzzy warm memories] But he hated it. I lost my tape in one of many moves that my family made over the years, so I was most delighted to rediscover them.
You may or may not remember these songs without hearing them, and you may or may not like them. But they make me feel good. I hope you feel the same!

I'd Die Without You

Looking Through Patient Eyes

Set Adrift on Memory Bliss:
The camera pans the cocktail glass,
behind a blind of plastic plants;
I found the lady with the fat diamond ring.
then you know I can't remember a damn thing.
I think it's one of those de ja vu things,
or a dream that's tryin' to tell me something.
Or will I ever stop thinkin' about it.
I don't know, I doubt it.
Subterranean by design,
I wonder what I would find if I met you,
let my eyes caress you,
until I meet the thought of Mrs. Princess Who?
Often wonder what makes her work.
I guess I'll leave that question to the experts,
assuming that there are some out there.
they're probably alone, solitaire.
I can remember when I caught up
with a pastime intimate friend.
She said, "Bet you're probably gonna say I look lovely,
but you probably don't think nothin' of me."
She was right, though, I can't lie.
She's just one of those corners in my mind,
and I just put her right back with the rest.
That's the way it goes, I guess.

Baby you send me
Set adrift on memory bliss of you

Careless whisper from a careless man,
a neutron dance for a neutron fan;
marionette strings are dangerous things,
I thought of all the trouble they bring.
An eye for an eye, a spy for a spy,
rubber bands expand in a frustrating sigh.
Tell me that she's not dreaming.
She's got an ace in the hole,
it doesn't have meaning.
Reality used to be a friend of mine,
'cause complete control, I don't take too kind.
Christina Applegate, you gotta put me on.
Guess who's piece of the cake is Jack gone?
She broke her wishbone and wished for a sign.
I told her whispers in my heart were fine.
what did she think she could do?
I feel for her, I really do.
And I stared at the ring finger on her hand,
I wanted her to be a big PM Dawn fan,
but I had to put her right back with the rest.
That's the way it goes, I guess.

Baby you send me...
Set adrift on memory bliss of you