(Surprisingly, I have no video related to that.) Instead, you get a very bad anti-smoking Halo ad. So why the hell did I say it, then? Well, I experienced this firsthand. What games caused it? Tetrisphere, a puzzle game for the N64. If you think the gameplay is like Tetris, you're on the right track. OK, not really. Instead, it more resembles Tetris Attack, only put on a giant sphere. Your goal in all of this is to eliminate enough pieces to get to the center and free the little robot inside. I have no idea why there's a robot inside, so I just assumed that I was assembling the scattered pieces of Xenu to destroy Scientology. But that's not the point. Instead, the game at first seems fun, although you can't figure out why. Everything seems mundane, too easy, but with a flare of fun. But then you get to the later levels, where you frantically rush to find one spot you haven't tapped yet. This is alleviated by the fact that you can move around certain pieces (with limits), but you're still in a desparate race against the screen pushing up against you. Perhaps this was what made my eyeballs feel like they were gonna die. Or maybe it was the rampant techno club thing. I'm aware that I said the music in Castlevania Chronicles felt like a rave, but this game puts it in its place: in the back (like in the picture I linked you to). The graphics feel like something out of the 1980's, and so does the music. Both are fairly good, but they also make your eyeballs moribund. I don't know whether or not this is good or bad. On one hand, we have the fact that the game was so intense and involving, that my senses started to fade out. It has the mindset of a shooter, is what I'm saying. However, on the other hand, we have the fact that MY EYES HURT LIKE HELL DURING THIS EXPERIENCE!!! Never before have I experienced something like that within ANY game I've played, and I've played at least 560 games in my life. But I will have to give it to the good hand (whichever one that is). Why? Well, great gameplay. Concluding this review (and recollection of my own visual suffering), I give this game the Xenu's Evil Eye Eradication Award of Alliteration .

So anything that doesn't make my eyes feel like crap is automatically superb, right? No, you're wrong. *hits you with newspaper* Take Lufia (which will be called Loofah from now on, due to comedic value) & the Fortress of Doom. Don't misunderstand me, I do not mean to say that its a piece of crap. Instead, its average, especially compared to what came before it. The game starts off promising enough, with you controlling the legendary heroes (who are obviously on steroids) who carry out the obvious prophecy. Fast forward 100 years and you're controlling some random kid and his girlfriend Lufia. From then on, things become average. The battle system is simple turn based, without any frills, bells or whistles. However, the guys behind this game still managed to **** it up. How? The controls, the place you wouldn't expect in a JRPG. Instead of selecting an option like defend or attack, you have to hold the direction on the D-pad for whatever you want. Not that it matters or anything, as you can basically rush through the game by holding down the turbo button, taking one or two moments thourghout the entire game to grind your ass off. This excludes the boss battles, of course, which usually consist of the same strategy. Except for the final few battles, which are a joke (even at my under-levelled state). I heard that the twist here is that the dungeons contain numerous puzzles, but the closest I found to that was "flip this switch and go back to the door you skipped earlier". I've rambled on about the gameplay enough, so let's get to the graphics. They'll make you think that this game was Japan-exclusive, but other than that, they're average. Sad, given the state of the industry in 1993 for the SNES. We had games like Fatal Fury, EVO - Search for Eden, Zombies Ate my Neighbors, 7th Saga, Alien 3, Clayfighter, Metal Combat: Falcon's Revenge, Pocky & Rocky, Secret of Mana, Sunset Riders, Star Fox, Ogre Battle, Final Fight 2, Yoshi's Safari, Super Mario All Stars, Street Fighter II Turbo, Mortal Kombat, Shadowrun, Aladdin, Cool Spot, Mega Man X, all of which look better than this game. Throw in some fairly forgettable music and an overall short length and you have an average RPG. Its not as bad as Magic Knight Rayearth, but not as stellar as Final Fantasy VI. Instead, its average, earning the average award of not enough importance to the point that it doesn't deserve any capitalization . And an average RPG deserves and average RPG dialogue sequence...

Huh? What logic are you using to say that?

That's no ordinary chicken. Look how manly its arms are!**

Wait, how the hell did you find us, let alone make it down here?

*Writey Guy goes into horrible berserk state and battles Jack Thompson, losing due to a cheap stab wound* You....you're evil. There's no way somebody could be THAT evil. Not even Santa!

We didn't do that, did we? *notices Jack Thompson is gone* Where the hell did he go?

**I actually did try to make a picture of this manly chicken, but couldn't find everything I needed.