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  • Video_Game_King
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  • Last online: 05/29/09 11:33 am PT
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My Recent Ratings

Title Score
Silent Hill 9.0
Prince of Persia 8.5
Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts 7.5
Ninja Gaiden II 8.5
Paladin's Quest 3.5
Mother 3 7.0
Final Fantasy IX 9.0
Cyborg Justice 1.5
Metal Gear Solid 8.0
Final Fantasy X 8.5
27Feb 08

You want to know why I didn't blog earlier in the week?

(I've been playing a lot of Melee.) With the arrival of Brawl soon, I'm preparing myself for it. Fear the wrath of Mewtwo! Since I can't think of any transition from that to my video, Jack Thompson idiocy. But if he's right, I'll start a fried brain restaurant with the brains of Doomed teens . And speaking of people shooting things, that's one of our games today! Guess which one....out of millions....it's Pulstar, a game you probably haven't heard of (unless you're an avid collector). Now, the first thing I noticed: Holy sh*t, this game looks amazing. A lot of the game is pre-rendered, and the animations are always fluid, right from the moment you plug it in. The only place you'll really notice it is on bosses and your ship, but its still amazing, considering they look genuinely 3D. The music is fairly decent, the usual affair. The gameplay, kind of a mixed bag. While it doesn't do much original, it does do what it does well, and that's shoot things. In case you're wondering, its a side scroller, like R-Type or Gradius....actually, it steals things from them, like the options or the little growth from R-Type. At least this ship tumor grows. But unlike either of those, this game moves at an oddly leisurely pace. Seems to take everything in stride, rather than force you into a frenzy like its the Christmas shopping season. The only time I was panicking was during the final boss battle, which is nearly impossible. The amount of bullets flying everywhere makes Ikaruga look incredibly conservative, and the fact that it has three forms that are just as insane make it an abomination against all that is holy. I guess it balances things out, so the game is definately an easy reccomendation, given that the game's on a cartridge and the graphics are CD quality. So to sum things up, it gets the Stars Have a Pulse, Apparently Award. Who knew?

OK, enough of the crap, I have a riddle for you: how do you f*ck up Pac Man? Apparently, by putting it on the Atari 2600. Yes, I beat another game that is often attributed with destroying the industry (and therefore sucking), but this time, it actually deserves it. It plays kinda like Pac Man, but in the same way a pizza bagel tastes like a traditional pizza: sort of the same, but fairly far from the real thing. First off, the maze barely resembles the arcade version, and the screen tunnels have been moved to the top and bottom of the screen, which can kinda throw you off. This might....OK, it still wouldn't be acceptable, but adding insult to injury is the loose controls. Pac-Man will take a bit of time to go where you want him to go, which can screw you over in a game of precision. The graphics are just as bad, Pac-Man becoming a pixelated octogon, and the monsters flickered the whole time, which was the reason they became ghosts: to pass off sh*tty programming (that is true). Plus Pac-Man only faces left and right, which leads me to believe that in order to collect vertically aligned pellets, he shoves them up his ass or through his skull. The sound....oh God, just listen to it. I'd rather listen to a cat puking than listen to that. There are no redeeming qualities about this game. It just plain sucks, so it earns the Sick Bastardization of Something Great Award. So...what else is a sick and twisted bastardization of something that was once known as good? I know! My St. Patrick's Day Story ! Let's continue:

St Patrick wrote:
I guess this is the Valley of Doom.

Old Lady wrote:
It is. You'll need these boots and this sword to survive.

St Patrick wrote:
Why are you carrying a sword? And why is it covered in blood?

Old Lady wrote:
That's....that's from 20 years ago.

St Patrick wrote:
It can't be, its still wet. In fact, why's that bush bl-

Old Lady wrote:
Off you go, then! *forces St. Patrick into cave*

St Patrick wrote:
*gets out of cave* Hey, other old lady, do you have some crystals to fight the snakes?

Other Old Lady wrote:
No, but I have some Bibles.

St Patrick wrote:
OK, gimme some Bibles.

Other Old Lady wrote:
Off to spread the word of Christ, are we?

St Patrick wrote:
Yea, yea. Do you have a knife on you? *is handed knife* *starts cutting through Bible to hold gold*

Other Old Lady wrote:
What are you doing!?!?

St Patrick wrote:
Oh....this'll make spreading the word easier. It's Christfetti!

I use it at all my parties. And if you're keeping track, this is 3 multiparters (St. Patrick, King of Fighters, and Gohan).

  • Posted Feb 27, 2008 6:44 pm PT
  • Category: Games
  • 13 Comments

13 Comments

  • zeppelin_64

    Posted Feb 27, 2008 7:22 pm PT

    You know Mewtwo's not in Brawl right?

  • Booticon

    Posted Feb 27, 2008 7:25 pm PT

    Atari 2600 Pac-Man is so awful that it is legendary! You gotta dig the "biscuits" in the 2600 version vs the "dots" in the real arcade version. The fact that Pac-Man doesn't point up or down is righteous too. I have that game. I got it when it came out, so I know a thing or two about substandard graphics!

  • Video_Game_King

    Posted Feb 27, 2008 7:33 pm PT

    Lalalalalalalalalalalala, I'm not listening zeppelin, lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala . And Booticon, they weren't biscuits, they were wafers. Little pixel wafers. Although you have to give Pac Man credit for evolving. I think in the original, he was some type of jellyfish, but this time, he has an eye. He is now some type of snail or something .

  • Booticon

    Posted Feb 27, 2008 8:04 pm PT

    It's like Seaman... only more seminal.

  • Video_Game_King

    Posted Feb 27, 2008 8:07 pm PT

    So, Pac Man is some sort of sperm? ! Of course! It all makes sense! Pac Man is a demonstration on how babies are made !

  • Booticon

    Posted Feb 27, 2008 8:21 pm PT

    Pac-Man is asexual, which makes my head hurt when I question the existence of Ms. Pac-Man.

  • Video_Game_King

    Posted Feb 27, 2008 8:23 pm PT

    There are no female sperm! Oh wait, there are. That was why they made Ms. Pac Man: they needed to show how girls are made, which is pretty much the same, only with a more screwed up uterus .

  • uncledeath2005

    Posted Feb 28, 2008 4:48 am PT

    Wow...

    So when do I start cutting up the Bibles?

  • Video_Game_King

    Posted Feb 28, 2008 11:42 am PT

    Once you play Golvellius for the Master System .

  • gohantech00

    Posted Feb 28, 2008 1:31 pm PT

    (referring to the Pac Man video for Atari 2600) Wtf was that sh*t? That........was Pac Man? I had no idea such a disastrous version of that game existed. What was up with the so-called "ghosts" going on a frenzy on the screen? I just......it's just......I'm speechless! Changing the subject, only about a week and two days left until Brawl is released. I found myself playing some Melee a few times this past month as well. I still can't manage to beat any of the single player modes on Normal.

  • Video_Game_King

    Posted Feb 28, 2008 2:16 pm PT

    And I'm having my ass handed to me by level 9 computers. Oh well, at least I kick their asses 45% of the time .

  • horgen123

    Posted Feb 29, 2008 12:45 pm PT

    You don't mean warming up, you mean frying melee

  • Video_Game_King

    Posted Feb 29, 2008 12:57 pm PT

    When did I say warming up? Then again, it is colder than Cloud Strife's personality where I live, so warming up and frying would be welcomed .

My Recent Ratings

Title Score
Silent Hill 9.0
Prince of Persia 8.5
Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts 7.5
Ninja Gaiden II 8.5
Paladin's Quest 3.5
Mother 3 7.0
Final Fantasy IX 9.0
Cyborg Justice 1.5
Metal Gear Solid 8.0
Final Fantasy X 8.5
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