(I thought more people liked Futurama.) I wonder if people like Kyle Cease. You guys better like him (like a vagina !). What else do I like like a vagina Hmm....can't tell, haven't seen one . Now then, I'll infer and say the Metal Slug series. Kickass action, bullets flying everywhere, its awesome. Yea, you know it, I know it: I beat Metal Slug 2. So what do I think of it? Well, the game starts off with you invading a Middle Eastern city and killing a bunch of Arab people. Yea........doesn't hold up that well, does it? The fact that you get to ride a laser-mounted camel makes up for it, though. That's the game's strong point: more vehicles. Not just that Metal Slug thing which isn't a slug, you get more vehicles this time. Camel, two gun walker thing, Metal Slug (duh), airplane, it really adds variety to the game. But they all suffer the same problem as the Metal Slug: you move and aim simultaneously. This can get annoying in heated combat, where you have to back up to avoid death, but must keep your lock on that tank so you can continue. So what about the rest of the game? Its not that different from the rest of it. There are a few more vehicles, you get to pick between 4 butt-ugly characters, there are more enemies, and you get a new laser weapon near the end, but its not that different. You can become fat or a mummy, but that's more of an easter egg, really. You still shoot crap down and rescue hostages (and some girl who's backpacking it through war-torn countries, for some reason) that carry munitions (and their own sh*t). At least the final boss is more manageable. Last time around, he was beating my ass. This time, its a UFO mothership, and its challenging, but fun. Get it if you like Metal Slug to death, but not if you're expecting any major changes, the ones in it earning it the Ass-Mounted Camel Laser Award .

So...what else did I beat? Some game for the Master System called Golvellius: Valley of Doom. There wasn't much of a valley, so I can't speak for that. Now I've heard people calling this "Zelda for the Master System" a crapload of times, but that's not much of a comparison. Sure, you control a boy from an overhead view and slash things with your sword, but that's really where it ends. The game focuses a lot more on combat than anything else. The dungeons are either side scrolling or Galaga-esque (only with swords rather than guns). I like the side scrolling ones a bit better, as it adds a bit more variety. Don't expect Zelda II, but rather Super Mario Bros with a sword. Too bad your character can't turn around. Why can't he? The overworld is just like Zelda, only instead of bombing things to get to old men with swords, you kill things to open a hole where an old lady is selling anything from the crystals you need to complete the game (smart of them to charge you, given that the world is in danger and these are the only things that'll save it), life potions which increase your health, and Bibles which increase your gold capacity (my interpretation being that your guy carves out the books to hold the gold). Makes about as much sense as the old men. But its old ladies, making it funnier! *activates Incredibly Rough Transition* The graphics and music are where the game really shines. The game looks 10 times better than either Zelda on the NES, with more colors and details. Same with the music, convincing me (alongside that awful Ultima IV port) that Master System has better music than the NES. In fact, the only game with better music on the system is Ultima IV. There's not much more I can say about the game, other than giving it the St. Patrick Award. Why give it that award? You kill snakes throughout the game. A crapload of snakes. In fact, you kill snakes that spit out other snakes. In fact, through my interpretation, this is the Story of St. Patrick's Day!

Yep, I just had to stuff a St. Valentine's Day reference in here, didn't I?