Yes, look upon it's greatness! LOOK UPON IT!!!! LOOK UPON IT, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!

• 2Apr 09

  A surprise at the end of this blog.

  (But more about that at the end of this blog.) Like it says in the title. Warning: the results are shocking. Now then, onto the main event of the blog, and holy hell is it awesome! And by awesome, I mean big. First up is Einhander, a late 90's shooter made by Square. Square, the guys behind Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy Adventure, Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest, and Final Fantasy Tactics? Yep, the very same. And since it was on the PS1, they managed to sneak in a few CGI cutscenes. Honestly, did we really need them? There are only a few, and the graphics are already good as it is (lots of detail, decent animations, unique enemy design, etc.). Maybe for the story, but that's a big maybe. You play as Einhander, a ship caught in a war between the Moon and Earth. I liked the plot, given that you're a Moon shooter fighting the evil forces of the Earthicans, but the big plot twist that the moon men are evil pisses me off. I'd dismiss it as spreading horrible and untrue propaganda, but then I remembered something: NOBODY CARES ABOUT STORY IN SHOOTERS. All that really matters is the shooting, hence the title of the genre. So how is the shooting? Good, but the full potential is not realized. You can choose between three ships, each with their own distinct advantages. I chose the one that could hold a few weapons, but was stuck with a piece of crap peashooter. On the actual weapons, you can hold several at a time, depending on your ship. You have the vulcan, the wasp, the riot, and a bunch of other useless names (the only good one being cannon). None of them have any power-ups, but they do run out of ammo over time. Yea, you pick them up with more frequency than...something with high frequency, but keep in mind that you don't get any in boss battles, leaving you with a pea-shooter against Zog, Destroyer of Worlds. The only major change from other shooters is your arm, with very conspicuous Fruedian undertones. However, this doesn't really add much to the game; in theory you're supposed to shoot things above, behind, in front, below, slightly to your side, slightly not to your side, but only about two weapons actually change their behavior when you flip them with the arm. All others are EXACTLY THE SAME. If you think I hate the game, you're wrong. I like it, but it could've been sooooo much more. There was potential for a much better shooter, but the lack of power-ups really, really hurts the game. Sure, the graphics rock, but you only see it all within a few hours, and there's not much reason to go back. All that in mind, I give it the Mein Kampf Schadenfreude Herzog Zwei Award for Excellence in Randomly Choosing German Words for Your Own Purposes. That's what I do, I give games awards and things.

  But very rarely do they actually deserve the awards, given that none of my awards ever make sense ever. However, the next game actually deserves an award because of how good it is (I'll devote a section to that later). The game is, of course, Lufia II: Rise of the Sinistrals. Now we all have best games ever and worst games ever, but not really most average games ever. I have one, and it is called Lufia & the Fortress of Doom. Absolutely nothing about this game stood out other than how amazingly average it was. Natsume discovered this, and decided to create a sequel that fixed everythiing. Thus was born Lufia Syndrome, a disorder that would later strike series such as Killzone and Breath of Fire. However, it also had a twin called Lufia II: Rise of the Sinistrals, as I have already told you. The game starts off with the hero, Maxim, fighting monsters for pay. Lucky for him, there's an utter **** of them swarming throughout the world of Estopolis. Rather than make enough money to earn the envy of local pimps, Maxim wants to figure out why there are so many of them, roping the hero into a world saving quest. The story itself is good, but not great; I feel like it could've gone into greater detail with all the events and locations and such. However, it does have many extremely memorable moments, like the big mid-game plot twist. I could spoil it, but I'll use an analogy. Imagine the ending to FF9. Now imagine the scene where Zidane is in the play and he casts off his robe. Now imagine him calling out Freya's name, running to her and embracing her in his arms instead of the Princess (now Queen). That's pretty much the huge Lufia II plot twist. Only with Lyn instead of Freya. Plus there's a fantastic ending, giving you reason to play past what you can tolerate (I don't know that, because I don't know you). Wow, look at all the space without mentioning gameplay. The battle system is more than the turn based exterior would lead you to believe. First, you have capsule monsters, little Pokemon-esque beings that evolve to higher levels when fed weapons and the lint in your pocket. Fine, they don't add much, given how they have the bravery of dogs, but the gesture is nice. There's also an IP system, and this works much better than the capsule monsters. They're like Limit Breaks, except you get more moves. One per piece of equipment, in fact. It's very interesting to screw around with new attacks and keep those that work. Besides, if you hate the move you're stuck with, just jam the weapon down a capsule monster's throat, they'll love it. However, the major part of this game is the dungeons. Each one contains about four or five puzzles to solve, and trust me when I tell you that they can be HARD. Don't be surprised if you run to an FAQ to find out how to solve that one puzzle you're stuck on. You'll have a few tools with you to solve each puzzle, and all of them (fire arrow excluded) are put to great and creative use. In addition, there's also a reset spell that costs nothing, meaning you can try over and over until you solve the puzzle. Add in the fact that you don't fight dungeon monsters until you touch them, and I think the game is in love with me, like that needy spouse who serves you breakfast in bed on your day off. This game is the very definition of a ****c: it shows its age, but who gives a crap? That doesn't hinder it in any way, nor does it stop it from aging well. So I give it the Lower Top 20 Award. But wait, Dragon Quest IV is also there. Oh no, which gets the top spot? I know I haven't done this in a long time, but RPG BATTLE!!! First up, protagonists:

  

  Maxim, a hardened soldier

  

  Noname, a silent cliche

  OK, Lufia wins the first round. How about most embarrassing moments, huh?

  

  Ripping off FF5

  Chapter 2

  Ouch. Again, gotta hand it to Lufia. This is getting huge. How about one DQ can win, hm? Biggest flaws:

  EXTREME GRAPHICAL GLITCHINESS.

  Incredibly hard final boss.

  Lufia wins, 2-1! It gets the coveted #11 spot on my list. DW4, you go to 12. Now this is not the end of the blog! Oh, no, I have a bit more for you guys. You're probably wondering why I look different, don't you? Well, another makeover. Let's go into detail about each and every little change, shall we?

  Avatar

  I'll admit, I was lazy on this one. However, it turned out really well. The center image of me is basically what I'd look like in an old school JRPG, and I have the Chaos Emeralds revolving around me for no reason . Moving on...

  Banner

  Now this one is weird. I've begun the policy of basing my sitework on stories I've told you before, but those were only the serious/original stories. Here's a demostration of a more jocular/ripped off story. The story of Final Fantasy that I have yet to tell. This is my party (me, Queen, Writey Guy & Shiki (dead, right)) fighting Tiamat. Obviously, we're getting Killed. Expect to see this in the future, maybe.

  Header

  Ah, my favorite dialogue sequence saga of them all. This is the final battle against Thompson Claus, Satan Claus finally absorbing Jack Thompson's body. The crown hangs above him, suspended in light...of darkness! It was originally intended to be a picture of Thompson Claus killing me, but I stumbled upon the "pyramid" and immediately started this. Then I started this one later:

  Profile

  Funny story: this was originally my avatar, but I liked the other one better. Now this one is just me on my throne. Remember that for later.

  Sig

  Keeping in line with the parody thing, this is the end of my Dragon Quest IV parody. I'm in the corner doing nothing. The party consists of myself, Writey Guy, the Queen (she cast Bedragon), and Burger Fox. Wondering why Necrosaro is stained blood red? Keep in mind that in the original, Psaro took the form of Estruk after he became the Ruler of Evil, eventually becoming a warped version of his former ruler. So I did that here, but with Satan Claus. So i-Oh crap! I haven't finished the Dragon Quest thing!

  Master Dragon wrote:

  Greetings, mortals. I am God. It is your destiny to fight Satanroth in the depths of Hell. I h-

  Yea, yea, got it: go down to Hell, beat up Satanroth.

  Queen wrote:

  Maybe we should listen to more of what he has to say. I mean, this is God.

  We'll be fine. *group goes down to Hell, finds Satanroth*

  Satanroth wrote:

  GWAAAAHHHH!!!!!! Fear me, for I am Satanroth, the Ruler of Monsterkind! I know now what I must do: destroy all humanity!

  Queen wrote:

  Be on your guard, he's gained dark p-

  OK, whatever. *slashes at Satanroth, arm falls off* What the...*laughs ass off*

  Burger Fox wrote:

  Your hubris will eventually be your downfall.

  *slashes another arm off, laughs ass off, does so after slashing off head* Oh my God...his freaki....what the hell is going on with his stomach?

  Queen wrote:

  You don't remember? There's more to him after the head plops off.

  Oh, right. Still, pretty damn easy. *fights some more, sees arms and legs grow back* This is getting a bit weird.

  Burger Fox wrote:

  I warned you. *Satanroth grows other head, becomes eviler*

  *gets scared* RUN AWAY!!!! *tries to run away, fails* Oh no, we wasted a turn, we're so scr-

  Queen wrote:

  Relax, we beat him.

  (silence) Huh? Really? Yay, we win! And no stupid alternate endings! *story ends*

  Well, I ended the Dragon Quest dialogue sequence multiparter. Might as well start something else. No, not THAT. I was thinking two more video game reviews. After all, I just beat two more games. The first is Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness, because Konami thought they could make their previous N64 Castlevania better by adding werewolves. Thanks for missing the point, Konami! However, there are other changes, like being able to PLAY as a werewolf. You play as Cornell, who ties with Sephiroth for the most prominent homosexual game character in video game history. Why? Well, besides looking at him, the guy skips. I automatically win that argument. Another argument: this game is unoriginal. It rips off both Zelda and Resident Evil, taking place in a medieval mansion filled with horror movie cliches AND a stupid female character who needs to be save from an old fart who never dies. The game even goes so far as to rip off the hallway in the original RE where you saw your first Crimson Head. But this is kinda beside the point (which, as I alluded to earlier, Konami missed). How does it play? Well, there's a good game here, but it's buried under several problems. For example, the combat sucks. Unlike the Belmonts, Cornell throws energy...spikes at his foes. It works better than a whip, but perhaps a bit too well. He doesn't need his claw attack (yes, he has a claw attack) or the traditional sub-weapons, since everything dies with a few whacks of your energy spikes. And it's not even normal enemies who die that easily, as most of the bosses are pathetic. Jump around like an idiot and throw spikes at them until they die. Dracula has a bit more strategy, but he's the final boss, so why should I give a crap at this point? Speaking of enemies, why are there skeletons on motorcycles, the game is set in 1844! Back to the game, control is also a bit of an issue. In order to pick things up, you have to press a button, rather than just walk over it. Any game that commits this crime automatically gets 3 points knocked off its score, and things don't get better from there. The graphics aren't that good (as you've already seen) and the combat is imperfect (as I've already mentioned), but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Too bad you can never reach it. The point I'm trying to make is that there's a good game to be had underneath all the flaws. I can imagine having fun with this game's mechanics if not for the myriad of flaws. So I give it the Whatever the Hell the Opposite of a Polished Turd is Award.

  Unfortunately, the next game does not have the benefit of being good beneath the flaws. The next game? Final Fight 2. I had a lot for this, but character limits force me to give it the Unfortunately Short Review Award and leave it to this: the game is really, really repetitive. You can see it at....you know what? Read on, you'll figure it out.

  And now, the big surprise I promised you. It may come as shocking: I'm leaving GameSpot. It had to happen sometime. I mean, we all get banned, and I came close. Because of this. But that's not important. The important thing is my departue. "But wait, Vincent!", you might say, "Where are you going?" Well, I have an account set up at Giant Bomb. Besides the benefit of uncensored swearing, I also get a decent user review system, an in-depth game encyclopedia, and a create-your-own-list feature. In the face of all this, how can I possibly stay here, knowing my inevitable fate? Don't try to stop me, I've already started packing. S-

  Queen wrote:

  No, wait! Don't leave GameSpot!

  Wait, why are you opposed to this?

  Writey Guy wrote:

  Yea, you're coming with us.

  Queen wrote:

  Oh. OK, then, let's send our stuff there.

  Now then, seeing as how I have no more attatchments to this place, l-

  Don Mario wrote:

  You know, you still have one more race in my Rigged Cup.

  Don't worry, I'll finish that up once we're settled in. I promise you, I'll find a way.

  Queen wrote:

  But how are you going to fit in the whole Nazi Patrick thing?

  Writey Guy wrote:

  You know, I really don't care about him. I don't know, I don't feel the same zest and zeal writing for this villain as I did for Satan Claus.

  Yea...yea, that was a great series.

  Writey Guy wrote:

  Eh, I could've do better.

  ...........So.......I guess this is goodbye.....

  Shiki wrote:

  No, you can't leave! You have so many friends here! You can't leave me here all alone.

  .......Yea, I'll manage.

  

  

  • Posted Apr 2, 2009 11:28 am PT
  • Category: Games
  • 15 Comments
  • Tag
  • Print
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Digg
• 17Mar 09

  Anybody else notice this?

  (No? Just me? Fine, I'll explain.) Ooh, achievement unlocked. Anyway, let me explain: the Nerd made a new video. Nothing special, but look carefully. See it? Yep: Cyborg Justice, the game I absolutely HATE, made a guest appearence. I assume that after this was filmed, Rolfe washed his hand in a vain effort to wash away any horrible memories of this game that he may have. Don't get me wrong, there are games I actually like. Like F-Zero X, which I just beat recently. There were a variety of characters in the game, but I chose Captain Falcon. Why? Aside from a stupid joke I won't mention, there's also the fact that I think he's related to Captain Crunch. And that I'm the type of person who only plays as the character he knows. Anyway, the main thing that separates this game from all others is the ball-busting sense of speed. Now keep that "ball-busting" part in mind for later. Back to the speed, this game is fast. You'll often find yourself blasting at 800 miles an hour, watching the road below you zoom past (which really helps you forget the murder). How do they do this? Well, the graphics had to take a cutback. The ships are simplistic and the backgrounds can be a bit medioce, given the fact that they were 2D sprites. But they still look decent from an artistic perspective, if that makes sense. What I mean is that the sci-fi badass nature of the game wasn't marred by the graphics. The music is the same, consisting of super-badass-macho-manly-Republican-badass-F-Zero remixes from the original. To sum that part up, you should be listening to THIS throughout the race. So there's good music, solid racing, and OK graphics. I guess that wr-no, wait, I forgot one thing. Remember the "ball-busting" part I mentioned earlier? Well, this game is ball-bustingly HARD. Even on the standard difficulty, I was having my ass handed to me. There are 30 cars on the track at all times, you get sent back to the end of the line if you get in first, and the controls are a bit weird. See, the boost button is on the B button (for boost), rather than the Z button, which would make sense. So where's the brake? C-down. That's not even used for main gameplay, that's camera control! But I still managed to beat it, probably because I'm a dirty boost whore. As soon as the second lap begins, I mash the B button until I'm near death. From a broken hand. Because this game is so hard. Ball Bustingly Hard....Award.

  Which explains why I went with a somewhat easier game for the second one. Alien Syndrome, an old school shooter for the Sega Master System, NES, Game Gear, Commodore 64, CPC, arcade, abacus, and a few mediocre recent remakes. So it's prolific and has significance in the modern world. Is there more to it? Yes and no. See, your goal is to rescue all the hostages on a certain space station. I don't see why you need to rescue them, since they're already moribund, but whatever, I'll play along. But what are you rescuing them from? Aliens, you fool. And you have to kill them all with a simple gun with three simple modes: pea-gun "please kill me off mid boss battle" mode, laser "please kill me off mid boss battle" mode, and fire "please burn the aliens' faces off" mode. The game is really simple like this, and easy to grasp. The only thing that needs explaining is the controls: the pause button was on the console, so Sega, in all their wisdom, decided to make the unused button a pause button that brings up the status screen. I love this, since it means I don't have to get up to pause the game. Yes, I'm lazy. But the game itself I only like, since there are still flaws in it. For example, when you die, you get sent back to the beginning with the pea-gun. Fair enough, but this is also true for boss battles. There are no power ups for boss battles, meaning you have to kill the boss within the time limit using a piece of crap super soaker. What happens if you don't? THE STATION BLOWS UP. These aliens don't f*ck around; the timer here is apparently some sort of bomb, which explains why you have to rescue these guys. So I give it the Roundabout Explanation Award, since it explained why I'm rescuing hostages. But what the hell's with the title? Alien Syndrome? That sounds like a horrible disease! Imagine what it'd be like to hear your doctor telling you that you have alien syndrome!....

  Dr Don Mario wrote:

  So, my ch-oh, not you again!

  What the hell's wrong with me? And since when did you become a doctor, I thought you were in the mafia.

  Dr Don Mario wrote:

  I don't have enough time to answer your first question, but I will say that there's a lot of money to be made in this business. Drug peddling, blackmailing my customers...

  Patients.

  Dr Don Mario wrote:

  Yes, yes, now you have been complaining of chest pains recently.

  Yea, and there are these weird growths. *awkwardly pulls off cloak*

  Dr Don Mario wrote:

  Christ, you're ugly. *examines growths* Yep, you've got alien syndrome.

  Wait, what's alien syndrome? Is that good?

  Dr Don Mario wrote:

  No, not at all. According to this paper, you'll slowly turn into an alien.

  Yea, that helps a lot. I'm already an alien, sort of. What type, from what perspective?

  Dr Don Mario wrote:

  I think those alien things from the movie....*tries to remember, remembers*...Alien. Now, treatment is e-

  Wait, hold on. *snatches clipboard* You're making this crap up so y-*gets shot in arm, cringes in pain*

  Dr Don Mario wrote:

  Ooh, you're going to need an x-ray. Let me add that to your bill.

  Oh, and might as well stuff this in: happy St. Patrick's Day. You can celebrate by reading my St. Patrick's Day Saga. Now off with you, for I have...things to do.

  • Posted Mar 17, 2009 12:38 pm PT
  • Category: Games
  • 12 Comments
  • Tag
  • Print
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Digg
• 14Mar 09

  700 video games! That's right: I BEAT 700 VIDEO GAMES!!! Another party!

  (Why? I'm awesome, that's why, shut the hell up.) How many video games have you beaten?...Pitiful. You know nothing of the big 700. Reaching that number is like your first time having sex. Times a million billion. Time slows down, and even the crappiest games are a little bit better. Except for Cyborg Justice. However, there is one bad thing about today: I have to review mediocre games. First one is HyperZone, a launch title for the original SNES. Why did I say original? Well, they remade it years later and called it the GBA . Back to HyperZone, it was also one of the few games early in the SNES's life that used Mode 7, that mode which allowed pseudo-3D effects. HyperZone whores out this concept, making the entire game just a Mode 7 tech demo. Which is what it should've been, not a full fledged game. You see, in this game, you shoot the hell out of anything in your path, Space Harrier flyle. The only difference is that you're limited to a certain part of the track at all times; navigate away from that part, and you get shocked to death. your health bar slowly (only not really) ebbing away. Yes, you have health in this game, and that's just about it. You only get one gun, one ship, and no power ups through all 8 levels. Sure, you get to charge it, but there are very few situations where charging is a good idea. A few boss battles, but that's it. As you can see, the game is stupidly simplistic. And that's the problem: I feel like there should be more to it, but there isn't. They could've added some homing missiles, spread shots, or even an accelerator (you have brakes, only used when you're over healing spots), but none of that is here. The graphics are also stupidly simplistic, looking like Paladin's Quest. However, unlike Paladin's Quest, I'll let that slide because A: it's a launch title, and B: it's Mode 7, neutralizing the effect. The music is just like the rest of the game: very simplistic, consisting of nothing more than drums and trumpets. Apparently, this wasn't limited to early JRPGs for the system. HyperZone had it, but trumpets have no place in the future. Read the Star Wars space-flying-intro thing. To wrap up this unwieldy review, the game should've been nothing more than a tech demo for trade shows at the time; there's far too little material here to make a full game. Imagine if I tried to review this game in proper review format (AKA "not a blog"). That would result in a HyperZone-esque review. So I give it the Russian Doll Award.

  Now I know this is going to be hard, but remember back to th-NO LOOKING!-the beginning of this blog. Remember how I said I was going to review mediocre games? Well, here's the next one, only I kinda liked it: World of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. The title's a misnomer, since you barely see Donald Duck throughout the entire game. The story follows as thus: Mickey and Donald are getting ready for a magic show, and Donald somehow gets trapped in another world. Mickey goes in after him, somehow lacking the magic abilities to wield a golden key, beat the piss out of teen idols, and grow to gargantuan proportions to level an entire city in flame. However, he does have a magic cloak, and unlike the Mickey from Castle of Illusion, this does not require ammo. Already, this version is better. However, there is one weakness to the cloak: it f'ing sucks. The range is short, and there are several enemies that require multiple hits, but in a weird way. Some are normal, others require that second hit while they're in their flashing invincibility stage. The platforming itself is pretty decent, levels being more creative than they were in Castle. The only problem comes with what are loosely called "power-ups." At the end of every boss level, you get a new ability. However, they only come up when absolutely needed, and don't amount to much. Mickey says "alakazam" (because this couldn't fit), you press a button, and a flying thing appears. They're pretty shallow and uncreative, so why bother? The graphics are decent, and the music has that Disney feel, so at least it's good from an aesthetic point of view. But the gameplay could've been better. Again, power-ups. Maybe a Donald Duck mode, but I can deal with what I get. What I got was good, but not great. As I've nothing else to say, I give it the Mickey Mouse Fighting Game Award. And now...we party!....Where the hell is everybody?

  Queen wrote:

  This is everybody. I thought you remembered.

  What? You mean this is everybody?

  Writey Guy wrote:

  Yea, sucks. Especially since I'm the type of guy who makes conversation with the wall the whole time, avoiding any type of human contact.

  ...Learn the art of subtlety. God, this sucks! Tell me we have the band!

  Queen wrote:

  Yes, we have the band, but...

  Writey Guy wrote:

  *does that "hand countdown from 3" move*

  Queen wrote:

  Shiki was invited, somehow. And Eggman drank the keg dry.

  That's it. This party's a failure.

  Shiki wrote:

  Don't say that! You c-*gets beaten up by guards*

  Well, that's about as good as it gets.....Now what the hell do we do?

  Queen wrote:

  Well, you can always entertain yourself by making others feel inferior.

  Pretty good idea. Hey Writey Guy, how many games have y-

  Writey Guy wrote:

  We're the same person, you idiot.

  Oh, right. Hey Vanessa, how many h-

  Queen wrote:

  Last I checked, it was around 300,000. Then again, I did have several thousand years as a head-start.

  Well, this is a bust. What about you pathetic souls reading this? Please, type in some tiny number so that I may sardonically laugh at your wildly inferior talents. And please post under the delusion that you may come close to my godly greatness. *transforms into monkey from Treasure Hunter G, sits down, looks at watch* I'm waiting.

  • Posted Mar 14, 2009 9:13 pm PT
  • Category: Games
  • 23 Comments
  • Tag
  • Print
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Digg

See Previous Blog Posts »