(A lot of personal history and such.) Hell, Rare even showed everybody the gameplay of the sequel to one of my favorite N64 games. Yay!.....What the hell is this? This isn't Banjo. Where's the platforming, jumping around and using a large amount of moves to collect jiggies? All I see is a bunch of vehicular platforming and car customization! This isn't Banjo, this is an instance of developers wiping their dicks all over a good thing for innovation's sake. And this is Rare, the guys behind Goldeneye, Perfect Dark, Conker, Banjo Tooie, and other awesomeness! I want Banjo Threeie, damnit !

Ugh, enough of that, it pisses me off. On to something I like: Rampage World Tour. Does anybody know if that game's title contains a colon or not? It seems like it should. Anyway, I remember playing this game long ago on the N64, bashing buildings in co-op. Of course, I only rented it (otherwise, I'd have blogged about it long ago), so I didn't beat it until now. That's enough rambling about the past, let's get on with the present by talking about a game from the past that I played in the present past. Future. Now then, the game plays a lot like its predecessor, but with numerous improvements. You still bash buildings while people shoot at you, but you're no longer contained to one, static screen. That's right, it scrolls, up and down, so you can have taller buildings that hold more items. You can get these items with some new moves, like the the "building hump", or just jumping on it to death. And there's power ups, like the totally useless fire loogie, power-up, and nuclear waste that makes you a demon. Yea, kinda weird. And its also weird that you can jump on the vehicles shooting you and indirectly use them to kill the buildings. All of this fits into about 120 levels, but it doesn't get repetitive. Until you find out that you have to beat cities outside the US to beat the game. Then it gets grating. The music doesn't really add much, mainly because you can't hear it over the sound effects (my fault for setting the sound at the beginning). It mostly consists of rock/drama monster movie music, so I don't miss it. And the graphics are between average and poor, being 2D, yet having a look and feel that the Saturn could do. But do graphics and music matter? To Gamespot, yes, so I give this game the Screw You, GameSpot Circa 1997 Award .

Now then, I said this blog would be more personal, and it shows. Look, Aladdin. For the GBC. I love that damn movie, and still own the original Genesis version (SNES one got sold or something). What luck, the GBC version is actually a port of the Genesis version. That automatically makes it awesome, right? WRONG! Why? Well, its not the gameplay, really, that hasn't changed. You still jump around in levels based off the movie (slightly rearranged), slashing guards with your sword and throwing apples at them (which kill them, somehow). Imagine Earthworm Jim, but slightly easier and with a greater focus on close-up combat. The graphics are OK, doing the best they can to recreate the Genesis feel (and mostly succeeding). All the sprites lean on the small side, though, which sucks for a portable game. Sounds good, right? Well, for the most part, this applies to the Genesis version. I have yet to touch the GBC version. A lot of it was cut back and redacted for some screwed up reason. The music is based off the movie's soundtrack, but all the songs have been shortened for some f*cked up reason. Prince Ali stops right before the good part, A Whole New World barely gets past its good part, One Step Ahead is pretty much just the memorable part (I want the whole damn thing) and Never had a Friend Like Me.....listen, you don't f*cking mess with Never had a Friend Like Me. And while we're at it, don't mess with Prince Ali. Why? Robin Williams is f*cking insane, and this is just begging that he come to your house shove both Columns A and B up your ass. And speaking of NhaFLM, they cut out the Genie level. That just pisses me off. It proved that Genesis does what Nintendon't: make a Genie level that stays true to the movie. But they cut it out, along with the boss battle against Iago. Throw in stupidly easy bosses, and you have a game that's OK, but one that makes you want to play the Genesis version instead. I give this the Under the Sea Award, which is where this game deserves to be banished to. Now I know you're expecting an Aladdin parody or something, and I could totally do that. But for that, you need to write out and sing lyrics, animate it, and do a lot of other things that dialogue sequences just can't do. So, without further ado, my "Up Your's Quest 64" RPG Thing.

(Are you mad, are you daft!?) Don't worry, message in parentheses, it is only for this blog. Now then, SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS!

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Look, I can't let you guys see them, for no mortal man may see text tit. Unless its me. Now then, to take your minds off the off-kilter humor I started off with, let's look at games ranging from the years 1977 to 1988! First is Rad Racer, one of Square's pre-Final Fantasy games. However, when you hear "pre-Final Fantasy Square" you either think this or 3D Worldrunner. This game has 3D too, but like in 3D Worldrunner, its a crappy, unnecessary feature that you activate via the select button. Other than that, the graphics are fairly average. The only major graphical features are the unbridled speed and the dipping and rising of the roads. Works well, but doesn't do much technically. The music, however, is in stark contrast. Each track freakin' rocks! Every single one. So memorable. Why didn't Square catch onto the fact that their music rocked and just became a music publisher instead? I don't know. Sure, there's only three tracks, but they all kick ass. The gameplay, however, only scratches ass. I have no link for that, as I know no animal that would dare scratch an ass. Anybody? Anyway, this isn't so much a racing game as it is a driving game. The only thing that could make it a race is a race against time. To rescue your daughter from the government. Rated PG-13. What the hell was I talking about? Oh right, the gameplay. Its a driving game, not many frills. You drive at breakneck speeds from one goal to another, trying to reach the end. Fairly simple, but it grows on you. Plus there's stuff that will kill you, like a-holes whose soul mission in life is to cut you off, and highway debris like trees and such. Add the curvy tracks and limited time in later levels, and it can get pretty exciting. There aren't that many tracks, but this isn't a game that's made to be beaten by sitting down and beating it. Its a game that you play every now and again to escape the horrifying reality that reality is horrifying. Couldn't come up with anything else. Speaking of which, I give Rad Racer the Totally Rad, but Technically not a Racer Award .

Now before I review the next game, let me ask you this: why did the chicken cross the road? Hell, I don't know, and the next game didn't really answer that question. And that's what the whole game was about: the chicken crossing the road (for reasons we know not). The game I spoke of without referencing beforehand is Freeway, and its essentially a Frogger knock-off for the Atari 2600. Why does this game even need to be in existence? Frogger was already on the 2600. This game needs to kill itself. How? Jump in a pool, that's how games die. Like I said before, the game is pretty much Frogger meets the age old question, but far more limited. You keep crossing the street, racking up points for 2 minutes against a buddy, and see who wins. Sounds fun, right? No, not really. First, your chicken can only move in a beeline, which I guess makes it a chicken line. Huh. What this means is NO HORIZONTAL MOVEMENT! So if you want to avoid a car, tough sh*t, you have to wait it out rather than sneak around. But it doesn't matter, because cars just push your chicken backward rather than splatter their guts everywhere. But wait, if you get hit by another car after the inital setback, you get hit back again. Yes, a car combo system. This may be the first game with some type of combo system. It wasn't Street Fighter, it was Freeway that invented combos. The sound is pretty much nonexistent, so we'll skip over that. The graphics are fairly decent in terms of what they're supposed to represent. Chickens look like chickens, cars look like cars, and all of this is imposed upon a sea of grey. Yes, I know, the grey is road, but there could at least be grass on the other side. Not a good Frogger rip-off, so it earns the Frog>Chicken Award. Now then, totally running out of ideas, let's move onto the dialogue sequence!

(Yes, I beat Resident Evil, what of it?) But that doesn't mean I'm going mainstream! No, no, no. I still have many more obscure games to beat, like this one. REALLY obscure. And to keep in line with that tradition, let's get to Dynamite Headdy! Wait, didn't I already beat that? Wait, that was the Genesis version, this one being the Game Gear version. I'd link you to my opinion of it, but I can't find it among 300 or so blog posts, so find it yourself, damnit ! As for how it plays on the Game Gear, it's a faithful port. The levels that are in this version remain faithful to the original, and it plays a lot like the Genesis version. There were conversions, though. Some of the bosses and levels had to be adapted to fit the handheld, but they do an amazing job of staying true. But where are half the power ups? You only get, like, 5 throughout the whole game. And half the levels are missing! What the hell? They even cut out the shooter parts, and I loved the shooter parts! The graphics make up for it, though, as they're pretty much the height of what the little thing could pull off. Hell, Headdy looks the same as he did on the Genesis, pixel for pixel. The music is pretty much the same as the graphics. Other complaints? Its short. Real short. One day short. This review of it short. Let me wrap this very short review up by giving it the Did you Find the Blog Post Where I Gave a More Fleshed Opinion of the Game? Award. Just for that award, I give it the Longest Award Award .

But we know you didn't come to this blog for some 14 year old game nobody has heard of! No, you came here for a 12 year old game that quite a few people have heard of ! Yes, Resident Evil, an adventure game for the PS1/Saturn in 1996. Yes, that's right, I'm calling Resident Evil an adventure game! Sure, there's combat and the lack of mouse clicking, but the whole game consists of running about the mansion, using special items with limited uses to open up another part of the mansion. Trust me, you'll understand all of it once you actually play the game. You'll understand that the controls take getting used to (and aren't as bad as people have made them out to be, but are still fairly bad) and how combat can be challenging with odd aiming and ammo starvation. I did like one aspect of the combat, though: once you kill something it stays dead. You can go through the halls and corridors of the mansion all you want, they won't come back. Meanwhile, games like Turok and Mega Man 8 have enemies respawn as soon as you turn around to scratch your ass, something I never liked. And the aiming thing doesn't come up as often as you'd think, only being an issue in boss battles (all 5 of them ). Well, that's all I can say about the gameplay, how about another G word? Well, I couldn't find any synonyms to the word sound/music that begin with the letter G, so I guess I'll go with graphics. They've held up pretty well over the years. The pre-rendered environments give off this creepy, lifeless feel that adds to the scare factor. As for things that aren't pre-rendered, there's very little polygon sharpness; everything is smooted out. Keep in mind that this came out in 1996. But apparently, back in 96, standards were different, as the sound aspects haven't held up that well. No, not the sound effects, they're pretty good and get the job done, I'm talking about the voice acting. It sucks so hard! Capcom must have hired deaf/mute children from a mediocre acting school to play these roles. This guy could've done a better job. But part of the blame rests with the dialogue, not the actual actors. Lines like this...

(Now where did I hear totally random crap like that?)...Hmm....oh yea, No More Heroes. That game rocks. But we can't do that right now, as there's something else. Yes, a video, but something else else! I beat a Playstation game! Now then, what was this glorious game?....Mega Man 8 . Yes, a 2D game. I completely missed the point, didn't I? Kind of like saying I beat an N64 game and it turns out to be Mischief Makers.....*kicks self* Anyway, the frowny face does not mean its bad. In fact, its actually pretty damn decent. Yea, its the same "beat up Robot Masters and Wily" story, but there's a bit more to it than that. And by that, I mean there is a story. Something about evil energy in space and Wily using it to be evil. All of this is told through anime cutscenes that rival the quality of TV anime. In looks. Soundwise, not so much. You see, while Squaresoft was busy humping CGI in the late 90's, Capcom was hiring retarded, chain smoking harpies to voice every character in their games. Seriously, the voice acting sucks. Mega Man sounds like an 8 year old girl! At least the music is good. Flassic Mega Man with CD quality, using synthesizers for some reason most of the time . All you need to know is that Tengu Man's stage sounds awesome. And while we're on things that aren't gameplay, instead of possibly f*cking up the gameplay in 3D, Capcom, against Sony's wishes, made this 2D, with some lush, detailed graphics. The animation is worthy of noting, having an odd level of high quality. Kinda weird. But now, we reach the game itself. Not much has change, but changes were made that generally improve the experience. You can shoot your Mega Buster when you have another weapon, you can use different types of Busters, and your weapons can actually be used for purposes OTHER than battle (you know, like the original). As for what's been done before, it works well. The only thing that pisses me off are the sliding portions. They're way too hard, requiring the twitch reflexes of a psychotic. It pissed me off 4 years ago, and it pisses me off today. But fortunately, they only come up twice in the game. And its a good game, need I remind you? So good, I give it the completely random and irrelevant Game with the Review Most Saturated with Random Links Award .

And the greatness keeps coming! Two major games in one blog. The next one is No More Heroes, one of the AAA, third party, innovative Wii games for 2008. Yes, imagine how much rage spewed from the cows back in January, and for good reason: this game rocks. It takes place in the near future, or at least I assume this. Why? Travis Touchdown, the main character, has the personality of an Xbox Teen (you know what I'm talking about), and he's around 30 something. Travis sets out to kill everybody in sight with his beam katana to become the best assassin. And on your journey, you're gonna slice open enough people to form a small army, and this is where the game is truly great. The combat is highly rewarding and intuitive, with a variety of moves. OK, you're probably gonna just mash the A button, but each kill is a visual orgy of blood, and the fact that you actually slash through them with the Wii-Mote makes the kill all the sweeter. The bosses are pretty kickass, too, each one having more personality alone than some protagonists in a lot of RPG's, and each one can present a fairly worthy challenge. Among them are a fat hobo lady with a chicken cannon of death, a high school student who seems to be harboring the soul of Grey Fox, and, as the true final boss, Gillian Seed using Roxas' fighting techniques and an Irish accent. These boss fights are some of the best of any game. Too bad the same can't be said of the open world aspect. It feels fairly limited, and almost everything you do is just a means to progress through the game. You can't steal vehicles or use any other than your motorcycle, and customization doesn't really feel like a huge part of the game. Some of the minigames are OK, like bike jumping or playing with kitties, but most of them aren't much to comment on. Except the shooter minigame, which is so great, it practically deserves its own review. Imagine Ikaruga with a sword. Its that awesome. And to attempt to stuff in music and graphics, I'll say that the graphics are pretty damn decent and offer this weird film noir feel (which odd for a game like this) and if you didn't already know I love this music, turn off the computer, disassemble the pipes in your house's plumbing, and ingest everything they have gathered in their lives. *has epiphany* Wait a minute, rewarding button mashing combat, great music, charming graphics, some random, spikey haired guy running around and slashing things at random all for the sake of some chick he'll never score with? Dear god, this game is Kingdom Hearts! Yes, that is why I love this game! It's Kingdom Hearts for the adult crowd, and on the Wii. Please, please Square Enix, bring Kingdom Hearts III to the Wii. But I digress, and get back to the point by giving No More Heroes the Kingdom Hearts on the Wii Award. The only thing that isn't in Kingdom Hearts is the phone calls before each boss. Your Wii-Mote speaks to you. That creeps me the hell out. What if it called during the night?

(One of these games was supposed to be Conker's Bad Fur Day.) I love that game, man. But I couldn't beat that alien. Tried everything, I knew what to do, but I couldn't do it. *runs out of room*

(Hey, N64 games are huge.) And I can't exhaust my supply. Can't blow through it too quickly. Then again, I shouldn't be too slow, as the end of the world is around the corner...creepy...but we can always postpone the destruction of the world! How? Defend it, you dumbasses . Just like in Earth Defense Force, which for some f*cked up reason is also known as Super Earth Defense Force. I do not see the word Super anywhere in the title. Do you? As you can probably tell from the box alone, its another shooter. How many do I play? A lot. Anyway, its the usual stuff. You shoot, you dodge bullets, you shoot the things that make the bullets, what else could you ask for? Well, there's a crapload of weapons. I stuck with the Photon, mainly because the game says its the best. However, given the massive amount of weapons you get, EDF does have replay value, something that's very, very lacking in these games. And what else does EDF do that really isn't done in other games (like Blazing Star or Last Resort or.......other shooter I've recently beaten ) is a level up system. Wait...I feel like that's been done before...and recently....screw it, can't find anything. Each weapon can be levelled up several times, and you should know how that works out. However, you can still level up after reaching the max level, but it just adds more hits. The graphics are OK, but nothing special. I can forgive the game, though, as it came out shortly after launch. And to squeeze in why I like this game, the usual: dodging things. A nice sense of adrenaline comes from it, even though it gets off on the wrong foot, stepping into the pitfall of most other shooters. Fortunately, it pulls the foot out and walks stably. So, to finish things, I'm going to give this the I Probably Should've Reviewed it Last Night Award.

I beat the two games in this blog last night, but didn't have time to review them. Had to sleep. That's how moon people work. We sleep. We're not freakin' vampires. Wow, great transition. I just set myself up for Castlevania. Nice . And by Castlevania, I mean Castlevania 64. The real name is Castlevania, but people call it Castlevania 64 so confusion doesn't arise. Hmm....where else do I see that? Nevermind, let's just review the damn thing. Like every other game in the series, you, as the ball busting descendant of a Belmont (without the last name, for some reason), set out to kill Dracula, who has some odd tendency to come back from the dead to kill people. And you kill him with the usual stuff, like the whip, the axe, the knife, the plus sign, and the holy water. And it plays as a 3D Castlevania plays, as far as the combat goes. Its rather easy to kill things, and it feels as it did in the 2D installments. However, the actual levels are just god awful to navigate. All the rooms have this same-y feel, yet also feel somewhat distinct. They all blend together, so its hard to actually get a feel for where you are. And to make matters worse, you're pretty much expected to run all around Dracula's castle, searching for that one key or trying to activate that one cutscene or whatever. Sure, the later levels get the message and become more linear (like Castlevania platformers should be), but the buildup to that moment is just too much. The draw distance doesn't help, either. Like Superman 64, you can barely see 12 feet into the distance. Hell, even indoors, where MOST OF THE GAME TAKES PLACE, you'll see this weird blur where you should see the rest of the room. And on the graphics, imagine Metal Gear Solid stuffed into an N64 cartridge. A nice analogy, mainly because Dracula actually looks like Revolver Ocelot (or Liquid Snake, depending on your view of the Count). This game really could've used more time in development. All that was needed was better level design, and it could've been a lot more awesome. I give it the Hard to Invade Castle Award. I always say that Dracula's castle is easy to sneak into, but it seems that he beefed up security, like I did recently......that's weird, usually some squire comes in and tells me the Burger King snuck into the castle.