Think books based on video games are bad now? They were much, much worse twenty years ago. To prove that point Defunct Games has decided to create a weekly show called CYRIL READS NINJA GAIDEN. That's right, Cyril Reads Ninja Gaiden, the show that brings you two chapters from the 1989 book Ninja Gaiden, written by A.L. Singer for the Worlds of Power line of Scholastic books.

In each episode Cyril reads two complete chapters, word for painful word. But it's not just a terrible story read back to you, it also includes Ninja Gaiden music, sound effects and an open letter to A.L. Singer, author of Ninja Gaiden. It's truly horrible, but that's half the fun of this 13 part show. Already there have been 7 episodes, but don't worry about catching up. Each episode only runs around 15 minutes, so it's extremely easy to punch out three or four in an hour.

New episodes of Cyril Reads Ninja Gaiden are uploaded every Wednesday at Defunct Games!

CYRIL READS NINJA GAIDEN

• Cyril Reads Ninja Gaiden - Chapters 13 + 14
• Cyril Reads Ninja Gaiden - Chapters 11 + 12
• Cyril Reads Ninja Gaiden - Chapters 9 + 10
• Cyril Reads Ninja Gaiden - Chapters 7 + 8
• Cyril Reads Ninja Gaiden - Chapters 5 + 6
• Cyril Reads Ninja Gaiden - Chapters 3 + 4
• Cyril Reads Ninja Gaiden - Chapters 1 + 2

Yesterday I talked about heading to San Francisco to cover the Activision's media event, well I'm back home and just not going through my goodies and pictures. Below you will find several pictures I took from this event, each showing a different group of games and people. If you look closely you will notice a few GameSpot staffers, see if you can pick them out of the line-up. I had a great time, but I can't talk about too much of it right now (because the Activision people I partied with after the event would probably not like their secrets to get out). Enjoy the pics.

After two successful recent events (PAX and E3) I'm off to something very, very small. Activision is flying me out to San Francisco to cover their upcoming games. Well, not ALL of their upcoming games, only three: The Bee Movie, Tony Hawk's Proving Ground, and Spider-Man: Friend or Foe. I'm rather indifferent about two of those games, but I am excited to finally be able to play with the new Tony Hawk game. I would have prefered if Call of Duty 4, Quake Wars and Guitar Hero III were there, but I'm not in charge of deciding what's going on (so who am I to complain?).

Anyway, I'll try to take a few pictures. I'm sure GameSpot will have full coverage tomorrow (since they are going to the same event). Hopefully they give out some good schwag, THQ gave me three games last March when I went to their media event.

Sadly I'm only going to be in San Francisco for about 11 hours, I leave from Seatac at 7:20 in the morning and leave from SF at 8:20 pm. That's not a lot of time to do anything, which I'm disappointed by. At least I'll have enough time to pass out business cards for Defunct Games and get all my questions answered. Hope my plane doesn't crash.

This will probably come off sounding like I'm complaining, but I assure you I'm not. Today I received my official Penny Arcade Expo (PAX) 2007 media folder, complete with my badge, welcome letter, day by day guide and helpful map. As you can imagine I was extremely excited to dig into my PAX 07 media folder and find my media badge, I really wanted to see what the design was this year. Well, apparently those kooky kids over at Penny Arcade decided to use the exact same template that they used last year. Talk about disappointing.

There's something very familiar about this year's media badge. And what I mean by that is that the two badges look identical! Save the different look of the logo, PAX 07's badge is a real let down. Below are scans of last year's PAX badge and this year's badge, see if you can name all the differences ...

- 2006 -

- 2007 -

Despite my disappointment over this year's PAX badge, I am definitely excited about this event. Unlike E3, GDC and other recent gaming events I attended, PAX is right in my backyard. I'm less than an hour away from Seattle and will probably stay with a friend (so no need for a hotel). This makes the event super cheap, pretty much just the cost of food and gas. Sounds good to me. Also, a lot of my friends that work on other gaming sites are going to be showing up this year, which is really, really cool. I can't wait to party with all the people I've talked to online. The problem with this industry is that most of my peers live far away so the only time I get to see them is when these sorts of conventions come around. I'm definitely excited about that.

I'm locked and loaded and ready to hand out hundreds of business cards at PAX. So make sure and check out Defunct Games the week of PAX (and every other day for that matter) to experience a different take on the event. Hope this year's event is as much fun as last years. Fingers crossed.

As some of you know my site (Defunct Games) went to E3 last week. We worked extremely hard to get new articles, reviews and updates up ... and the E3 stuff is still coming every day. But before we jump into any of that I thought I would post my favorite E3 picture. This is a picture I took in the parking lot of Barker Hanger, where a lot of E3 tookplace. Not sure why, but this picture just makes me laugh. If you've ever watched G4 and thought that their hosts were a little slow and dimwitted, then apparently you aren't the only ones. I didn't dare take their parking spot!

Hello All.

I meant to get this up a few weeks ago but I've been extremely busy getting ready for E3 2007. Planning, planning, planning. Anyway, a lot of people have asked me to post the E3 Invite, since it has changed this year and fewer people are actually going to the event. As you see below there are several pages, so check out what it says and what it looks like. I'm impressed that they sent us an actual invite, that's a lot more than they did last year (or any of the other years I have attended the event). If you have any questions make sure and get a hold of me, otherwise just enjoy the scans. Oh, and make sure you check out Defunct Games for our full coverage of the event. (Just had to throw that in there!)

Heya.

So I realized, lately I've been talking about all these movies nobody has even heard of. So today I thought I'd swing back a little and talk about a couple that acutally made money at the box office. These might seem odd when put next to I Am Curious and Secret Honor, but sometimes you just have to break down and watch the biggies. See if it made me a better person.

School of Rock - imdb - d. Richard Linklater - There have been a lot of movies about influential teachers, most gunned down in a hail of cliches. While School of Rock doesn't not stay away from cliches, it still manages to be one of the most entertaining "teacher" movies I have ever seen. The story picks up with Dewey, an out of work loser (Jack Black) who lives with his friend and overbearing girlfriend. After being kicked out of his own band, Dewey is desperate to find people to play with ... but even more desperate to get money and survive. As luck would have it a local private school is hiring, and offer Dewey's roommate a job as a sub. Dewey takes the job without letting anybody know, and ends up trying to find his niche as a teacher. Of course, Dewey isn't a trained teacher and really doesn't know much about the process. After some trials with the class, Mr. S (as Dewey likes to be known) realizes that he can get all of the students interested in a single class project ... rock band!!

Noting the kids talents Mr. S finds things for just about everybody to do, from keyboards and bass, to the road crew, lights, and a manager (at one point even suggesting there should be groupies). If anything the movie shows how the power of music (and of course being part of a project) can really give a life meaning, and goes a lot of way to teaching. Thankfully the movie isn't just a big after school special, it's actually really funny and loaded with cool music trivia and references. Personal favorites like the Velvet Underground and Sonic Youth find their way into the movie, and no matter your taste, chances are you're going to like the message given in the music. Unless you're a X-Tina fan, then you're probably not going to like this. It's written by Mike White who wrote and directed Chuck and Buck, one of the strangest male bonding movies I have ever seen. White also plays in the movie along side Jimmy Kimmel's girlfriend, Sarah Silverman, who gives you even more reason to hate her. Although this is probably Richard Linklater's least daring film, there's no denying that it's charming and a whole lot of fu. And if this doesn't make you want to pick up an instrument and play, nothing will! A-

Spider-man 2 - imdb - d. Sam Raimi - Say what you will, but I didn't like the first Spider-man. I didn't like the way it looked, I didn't like the special effects, and I didn't like how there were long scenes where two masked people were delivering lines and no mouths were moving. It just didn't do much for me, even though I like Sam Raimi and the cast was full of people I usually get a kick out of seeing. Having said that, I have to say that Spider-man 2 is not only one of the best sequels I have ever seen, but one of the best super hero films I have seen. This time around all of the problems I had with the original have been addressed, and they went beyond the call of duty for this one. Here's a story that actually feels fleshed out, it's a story that has several things going on at once, a movie that really feels so full of life it almost makes you feel bad for the original. There are a lot of things that are really refreshing about the film, too, including a villain who is not defeated, but rather understands his own fate. A super hero that is exposed to the woman he loves. And some of the best side stories I've ever seen in this style of film. There will always be people that nay-say hype, but as one of the largest skeptics going in, I have to say that I am convinced that Spider-man 2 is simply one of the best super hero films I have seen, and has set a high water mark that will be hard to match. A-

On a side-note: if I could talk about music for a moment ... one of the movies I talked about today was School of Rock which featured the always-entertaining Jack Black. Most of you have probably heard the Tenacious D album more times than you can count, so if you're up for something else, check out Trainwreck! It's Kyle Gass' side project, a country-rock parody band that is really a lot of fun, in a completely different way from the D. I'm not sure if they are selling the live album in stores yet, but you can get it off of their site, and I strongly recommend it. There are a few gems on it, including Rock (Responsibly), an ode to anybody who quits theirs job in the hopes of being the next rock god. Funny, funny stuff.

Trisetta Lilly Barnes

Heya Gang.

Well, well, well ... looks like we have another themed episode for you. Thankfully this time around the movies are the same time, heck, they're the same director. These movies were released one after another, one year apart, like Lord of the Rings. Of course, this didn't quite make a billion dollars at the box office, but it did create quite a stir! I don't know what to tell you, I bet this will be the only review of these movies on a game site! Thank you very much.

I Am Curious ... Yellow - imdb - d. Vilgot Sjoman - Here's a movie you might of heard of, but probably haven't seen. I Am Curious ... Yellow was seized at customs, and not shown in the U.S. until years later. It sparked a supreme court battle, and divided critics and fans alike. But what is it? Now that's a hard question to answer. To put it simply, while watching the movie I was reminded of a lot of filmmakers, everybody from Oliver Stone to Federico Fellini to Jean Luc Goddard to Michael Moore. This is not your average movie, but parts of it will look awfully familiar if you've seen the works of any of the people I mentioned. I Am Curious (both of them) tells the story of Lena, a 22 year old Drama student who is currently starring in a movie. In fact, she appears to be starring in the movie you're watching, well, you see, some of the movie is her in the character of Lena, the other parts are her in a different character (the real Lena). The movie has a weird way of switching between REAL movie and fake movie, and by the end you never really know what is the movie or what is not.

Lena is shooting a documentary about the troubles of 1960's Sweden. She asks countless people about the class system, about politics, about equal rights, about sex, about love, about everything. She, and her friends, are also gathering together and protesting certain places, mainly government offices and businesses. They make signs, count the number of days since the election, and so much more. Yet, while all this is going on, Lena meets a boy named Borje, a man we soon learn has a kid and a girlfriend. Lena is troubled by this, but ultimately doesn't mind sleeping with him four or five dozen more times. In fact, most of the movie has Lena (and her partners) naked. But none of the people are especially good looking, and the love making scenes are never erotic.

What sets I Am Curious apart is the way it's filmed. It actually has little games you can play while you watch it, and everytime somebody says a certain word something special happens. It's gimmicky, but fun to watch the different things they come up with. This certainly reminded me of Oliver Stone and some of the effects he employed in Natural Born Killers. The movie even pleads with you that you must own both movies, you need to buy both. Whether it's brilliant or pretentious is up to you, but I had a good time with it, even if I had a hard time watching some of the more graphic sections. B

I Am Curious ... Blue - imdb - d. Vilgot Sjoman - Blue is the companion piece to Yellow, a movie that was more style than substance, but also a fun movie. Blue is a little less fun, and doesn't quite have the style, but is still worthwhile ... for the most part. Blue picks right up with Lena, who is still asking questions and interviewing people on the street. She is frustrated by her relationship with Borje, who got married to his babies momma, and still working on the movie with the filmmaker (who is secretly in love with her). This doesn't exactly take place after Yellow, though, it actually takes place during Yellow, though I'm not completely sure all of it does. Still, it's more of the same, with a lot of Lena learning about herself and the world around her. This time she's more interested in sex and religion. High points are a scene with her and a catholic man talking in a car, the way she proves him wrong by only asking him questions he should have been asking is priceless, and worth seeing the movie for alone. There isn't nearly as much sex this time around, but some of the other problems I had with Yellow persist. The style that made Yellow what it is is here, but it's a lot more subdude. The movie doesn't play games with you, it tries to tell a straight forward story that isn't really that interesting. I feel for Lena, but her self destructive ways are only making it hard to sympathize for her. This is well worth seeing after you get done with Yellow, but not by itself. B-

Trisetta Lilly Barnes

Heya Gang.

I'm not going to kid you, today we have a theme, one you're going to pick up almost immediately. Not much else to say, life is what it is, people say what they will, you do what you can, and we're going to die sometime. That pretty much sums it up, no? Okay, let's kick out the jams ...

Nuit et Brouillard (Night and Fog) - imdb - d. Alain Resnais - Night and Fog is a 1955 French documentary that takes you back to the Nazi concentration camps ten years after the liberation. This is a haunting film, one that documents a lot of aspects of Holocaust life you don't see in other films. They get in depth about the different kinds of living areas, towers, and offices ... all while showing you then and now (well, 1955) comparisons. I won't kid you, there are hundreds of documentaries about Nazi Germany and these concentration camps, yet Night and Fog single handedly wrote the book on this genre, and is short enough (just over 31 minutes) to where you won't lose interest. There are some truly amazing moments, including a look at the various collections the Nazi's kept (which included everything from eye glasses to women's hair), as well as a number of stomache churning scenes, which depict some of the most brutal pictures I have ever seen. It's hard to not be effected by the images that are shown, and really, the movie is a masterpiece if nothing more than it gets its point across. This may be 50 years old, but Night and Fog can still make you sick and angry like no other movie out there. It's not something you will want to watch on a regular basis, but it is something people should watch, if for nothing more than education. A

Shadows and Fog - imdb - d. Woody Allen - I love Woody Allen, I've established that earlier my journal entries. But there's something unsettling about Shadows and Fog, a movie I really should like, but I just can't seem to. This is loosely based on a script Woody Allen published in his book "Without Feathers" called Death. It's a funny script, involving a man who really wants to go to bed, but gets suckered into hunting for a man who may or may not be killing people in the neighborhood. As the night goes on Woody Allen, Kleinman in this case, is forced to face his fears, and solve a few mysteries. This is basically what the movie is about too, but it adds a lot of characters and tries to flesh everything out. John Malkovich is one of the new characters, and there are cameos from Madonna, Lily Tomlin, and others. These elements work fine, but the simple plot is just unable to sustain this movie for the needed 90 minutes. It's a great idea, and it would have worked perfectly in a half hour short, but Shadows and Fog just isn't one of Woody Allen's better movies. C+

I bet you expect me to review John Carpenter's the Fog now, don't you? Well, you're just going to have to wait on that one, because I'm closing the book on fog movies for now. I still intend to do my Hallowe'en party, and I'm sure I'll talk about those movies when it happens. Until then, you'll have to live with yourself!

Trisetta Lilly Barnes

Heya Gang.

How on Earth do you follow up two holiday movies? With an obscure, but extremely violent "reality TV" movie. No, I'm not talking about the Real Cancun, I'm here to tell you about one of the best satires I have seen since Man Bites Dog. Read on and I think you'll see what I mean ...

Series 7 - imdb - d. Daniel Minahan - Although I found Series 7 completely by accident, I can honestly say it's one of those movies that has a deep emotional impact from the very start. I warn you, this is not a movie for everybody, but if you're one of those people hooked on reality TV (or just like to laugh at the people who love it) then this movie is for you! It's the story of five people who are picked out of a lottery to, well, kill each other. They are given a camera man and a weapon, and after that it's up to them to survive. Think of it as Survivor ... in one of those Grand Theft Auto games. But it's not dark and gritty, in fact, when you watch it you'd swear it was taken from the TV. It's bright, colorful, full of life, and is edited in such a way that you'd swear the people that did this also did the Real World (or any other reality show). But don't get me wrong, this isn't a happy story, it's full of interesting characters who are doing everything in their power to survive. The winner of Series 6 is Dawn, a pregnant woman returning to the town she grew up in. Other characters include a dopey husband, an old paranoid guy, a teenage girl, and a nurse with good aim. Like A Clockwork Orange or Network, this is an extreme satire on two things that have became far too common place: violence and reality TV. Like I said, this is not for everybody ... I fully believe that most people that watch it will hate it. But for those that see the humor, it is one of the best satires of the last ten years. A-

That's it, you only get one today ... but I'll be back tomorrow with another one. Too much other stuff to get done, but hey, you don't want me advertising that stuff here now do you? I didn't think so.

Trisetta Lilly Barnes

Heya Gang.

Been busy with life stuff the last couple weeks, but I have a couple of Holiday reviews for you today. The good news is that they are both good movies, the bad news is you have probably already seen them and they aren't exactly the unusual fare I like to write about. Still, I figured I'd write about what I watched, so here are two movies that kept me in the holiday mood all thanksgiving week ...

Elf - imdb - d. Jon Favreau - Although Will Ferrel cracks me up, I missed Elf in the theater. I guess I just had my doubts, even though it was directed by the talented Jon Favreau, a man who has turn dinner into an artform. But there was no reason for me to fear, Elf turned out to be a cute and entertaining film that just might be one of the best holiday films out there. Of course, that's not saying much, there really aren't that many great Christmas films. Outside of the classics like It's A Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, and Miracle on 34th Street, there aren't that many holiday films worth checking out. But Elf bucks the trend and rises above the holiday crap to be a highly enjoyable Christmas film. It's the story of a human raised by elves, but unaware that he doesn't quite fit in (think: Steve Martin's the Jerk at the North Pole). Once he figures it out, he decides to set out on a journey that takes him to New York City to meet up with his dad (James Caan). Things don't go smoothly, and he gets mistaken as a worker at the local toy store, where he meets the girl of his dreams (in other words, the first pretty lass he saw). Obviously this is a fish out of water story, but it also manages to hit a few high notes while lambasting some of the best-loved animated Christmas movies. This could have been a really horrible movie, but thankfully the writing is usually pretty good and the story moves along at a brisk pace. The cast itself, which not only includes Ferrel, but also Ed Asner, Bob Newhart, and Favreau himself, play it to the nines, and their performances are much more inspired than you'd expect. It's easy to make a bad holiday movie (see: the recent live action version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas), but Elf is actually pretty funny, and not just in a conventional sense. Cute and well worth checking out. B+

Edward Scissorhands - imdb - d. Tim Burton - Everybody has their favorite Tim Burton movie, and Edward Scissorhands is my favorite. Although not a Christmas movie, it seems to embrace the holiday better than any traditional Christmas movie I've ever seen. It's romantic, it's sweet, and best of all, it's unlike anything you've ever seen before. In case you missed it, Edward Scissorhands the name of the boy who lives at the top of the hill in the giant, scary house. He was invented years ago, but was never finished and has scissors for hands. One day he is found by the local Avon lady who takes him home and effectively adopts the stranger. His mix with the outside world (a suburban community where everybody's house looks the same and everybody seems to have same 1950s values) is mixed at best, and teaches him an important lesson about human nature. This movie is a fairy tale in it's truest sense, it's also one of the most beautiful movies of all time. I find myself crying just at the opening theme, with it's lovely exteriors and emotional Danny Elfman score, it truly is one of the greatest movie experiences of my life. The movie has held up amazingly well, and it's good to see that Johnny Depp has not lost his eye for intersting and daring roles. I'm not sure if there are people out there that have not seen Edward Scissorhands, but if you haven't, you should make sure and check it out this holiday season ... it's my favorite Christmas film. A

Trisetta Lilly Barnes

Heya Gang.

That's right. I didn't watch anything ... instead I played Halo 2 online. Well, I tried to. You see, like a lot of people out there, I went to my local game store and bought my copy of Halo 2 at midnight the other day, I was excited to get home and spend the rest of the playing online. I had it all planned out, I even beat San Andreas a few days before Halo 2 just so I wouldn't have anything to worry about.

I should have known my plan was too perfect, I should never have let myself think that Halo 2 would be the best online experience out there. Now understand, I am not a Halo fangirl. I enjoyed the first game, but didn't connect with it in the same way a lot of the people I know did. I can accept it as a fun game with a solid multiplayer mode, but I don't really have a lot of friend to play Halo with at home, and when I do have the people over, we're usually doing and playing other things. But I truly anticipated Halo 2, especially because I would be able to play it online against all the people that couldn't make it to my house.

My confusion over the online component started almost immediately. I'm not new to online gaming, I have been a huge fan of SOCOM (I and II) for years now, I love Dead or Alive Ultimate, I play a ton of online games, and used to play Chu Chu Rocket on my Dreamcast online. I know how this all works ... I'm a seasoned pro. But for the first time in years I was baffled. Simply dumbfounded. The online mode made (and still makes) no sense to me. And I feel I should comment on a few of them ... since I have a hunch, these will be the reasons I end up not taking the game online after this week.

1.) You are unable to continue playing in the same room when the game is over. It simply spits you back out to the main lobby. The game's FAQ explains that the Optimatch is done to ensure fair fights. So the room that is picked out is, in theory at least, a fair room. So why again are we leaving the room when it's over?? If these are the people that are my equals, then wouldn't I want to stick with these people?? I cannot think of a single reason (let alone advantage) to having to go to the lobby after every game, it simply makes no sense to me.

2.) It takes me three minutes to access a room and then start playing. I actually started timing this and averaged the time together, and it was exactly 3:04 averaged over a couple hours. That's every single game. We established that the game spits you out of every room you go into, so in effect you are forced to wait three minutes EVERY SINGLE TIME you enter a room. The games I was playing were averaging about 5 minutes in length, so if you do the math, there is three minutes for every five minutes of game play. That's a whole lot of just waiting and doing nothing. This is really boring stuff, I might add. Television commercials are more intersting!! Watching the grass grow is more intersting. I'm telling you, if this were offline and I had to wait THREE MINUTES every time the game loaded, it wouldn't take me long to stop playing.

3.) You know, sometimes all I want to do is play Capture the Flag. I'm serious, sometimes that's all I want to do for an hour. The problem is, with this set up you aren't able to choose what kind of game you want to play. They justify this on their website by explaining that they know what modes are fun and the kinds of games we want to play. Well, they haven't been right yet. So far every time I've gone in and tried to play a game I like (such as Capture the Flag), I come out playing three rounds of Oddball and a couple Slayer matches. When you only have so much time to devote to a game these little things start to make you angry.

4.) Technically you CAN play in a room without it booting you ... however, you have to either be invited to one or make one and invite enough people to play (be it 8 or 16). So if you're somebody who doesn't have a lot of friends on their friends list, you really won't have much to do. You could attempt to add people you don't know, but since you only get one game (five minutes) with them, it's hard to figure out who you want to wave down. Furthermore, this notion really undermines the whole idea of the "friends" list. The people I have on my list are REAL friends, they aren't people I just kind of know (or not at all), they are people I want to game with all the time. But Halo 2 rewards you for being a slut and being with people you don't even know. The same can be said about trying to invite people to a party, being that a lot of people will turn you down, I've found it annoying that the game seems to condone spam. That's all we're doing here, it's spamming the other people simply to have a worthwhile couple hours. I simply don't understand why people will put up with spam if it's under the guise of Halo 2.

5.) Even if I had a lot of friends, I play at really strange hours, and it doesn't seem like the game is set up to allow fun to be had by people like me. If it's three in the morning and I am playing (which is common for me, say what you will) most of my friends are asleep, and I'm stuck in the same boat searching for people to play a dedicated game with. This point is short, but no less valid.

6.) If you have not yet played the online function of Halo 2 you are no doubt asking yourself, why doesn't she just go and select a game from the list of servers? Ah, but there's the catch. This game does not have a list of servers, in fact, it doesn't have anything even close to that. You have absolutely no control over where you go, it's basically a quickmatch on a much grander scale. This game does not have any filtering modes, and is completely different from just about every other online game. Mind you, even the worst Xbox Live (or even PlayStation 2) interface is better than this. I'm not asking them to do anything radical here, I just want the same things you get in other online games. If the Halo 2 were a DVD movie, it wouldn't even have a chapter select!!

I know it's Halo 2 and I should be happy just to have it online, but I don't think it gets a pass just because it's Halo. I'm sorry, but online mode is perhaps the most broken thing I have seen this generation. This is Mortal Kombat Advance broken. It's that broken!! I can tell you there is nothing I want more than to stop writing and get on and play some Halo 2 online ... but in the state it's in it's just not fun. If any other game took three minutes to load for every five minutes of play, you too would think hard about playing it. Yet for some odd reason Halo 2 is the one that is above all that?

I'm all for creative online modes, and I don't want them to do away with their matchmaker service. But there should be a balance, we should have both. If I only want to play Capture the Flag, then I should as heck should not have to wait 45 minutes before seeing it. It gives me a headache simply thinking about it. Maye this is a good time to stop. I promise, the next time I write, it will be a review (of a movie or DVD or something, not Halo).

Trisetta Lilly Barnes

Heya Gang.

This has been a really trying week! Let's just say that I've been weathering a lot of bad news lately, and I haven't had much time to dig myself out of the five stages of grief. Having said that, I have done my best to watch a few movies and get out of the funk I find myself in. These two movies are really different, but they show you where my head was all week. Sigh.

Secret Honor - imdb - d. Robert Altman - I had never heard of Secret Honor until Criterion released their special edition last month. Secret Honor is a one-man movie about Richard Nixon drunk and seriously considering suicide. For 90 minutes we listen to Nixon rattle on about everything from JFK to growing up to marriage. Here is a seriously broken man with problems that cannot be repaired in a lifetime. He can barely finish a thought, and as the night goes on, he becomes increasingly angry. But this isn't some 90 minute borefest, this is actually one of the most captivating movies I have ever seen. Philip Baker Hall hammers home one of the most moving performances of the last 50 years, he makes you feel for Nixon but also hate him. The movie is completely fiction, but it's pulled from material he talked about, making for one heck of an interesting experiment. But the fact that it's about Nixon is not the point, half way through you realize that this could be about anybody and the emotions would still be the same. This is a powerful piece of work, and something I could watch multiple times without getting bored. There's an energy here you don't see in most movies, and a performance that is Oscar caliber. A

Shrek 2 - imdb - d. Andrew Adamson - It's probably unfair to go from Secret Honor to Shrek 2, but that's just how this week has been. Believe it or not, I missed this on the big screen, but was still interested in watching it. I enjoyed the first movie, though, I can't say I've watched it since the first time I bought it on DVD. Nonetheless, I was looking forward to seeing this if for no other reason than it would be cute and enjoyable. And sure enough, it was cute AND enjoyable. Being that it made so much at the box office, there's probably no reason to explain what the movie is about, but needless to say it had be entertained for the full 90 minutes. I enjoyed the adult humor, though some of it seemed a little more blatant this time around. The Mission: Impossible riff at the end may be old, but it's the best parody of that movie I've seen ... which is saying something. Still, Shrek 2 isn't something I'll probably go back and watch over and over. It's no Toy Story 2 ... but at least it's not Shark Tale. B

Trisetta Lilly Barnes

Heya Gang.

I was going to do a whole Ghost theme, where I did reviews of all Ghost movies. I'd review Ghost Ship and then Ghost World and maybe Ghost Dog. But I ended up scrapping that idea because I didn't have enough time to watch all three movies again. Instead I wanted to focus on two movies with ex-TV stars. Neither of these choices are wise ones, but one is a whole lot better than the other. Let's just get this over wath ...

Ghost Ship - imdb - d. Steve Beck - After close to a decade on ER, Julianna Margulies was hoping for a popular big screen career. If Ghost Ship is any indication of where her career is going, then Julianna better save some of that NBC money. Ghost Ship tells the story of a salvage crew who stumbles upon a mysterious ocean liner. Of course, just like every other "haunted house", Ghost Ship seems to go through every horror film cliche they can think of. Here we have groups of people split up, and the ghosts showing their true nature in character specific ways; we have loud music popping in at just the right time to scare us; we have fearless characters who barely seem smart enough to get themselves into the bad situation let along out of one. And to make matters worse, towards the end the movie goes into overdrive and delivers an extremely graphic, over-the-top flashback sequence that could have been a deleted scene from Natural Born Killers, but is done here not for laughs or satire, but for gruesome effect. These scenes didn't do much for me, and neither did the sequences of the ghosts calling out for "help". The film just felt too clusmy, too generic to recommend. There are a few effective scares, and I really enjoyed Julianna's strong roll here, but there's just not enough here to keep you entertained for the full two hours. And the ending may just be the cheesiest finale I have seen in years, just pathetic. C-

From Justin to Kelly - imdb - d. Robert Iscove - Laugh all you want, but I actually sat through this musical. Before anybody hits a high note, let's get a few things out of the way: I have never actively watched American Idol, I don't care much for musicals, and nothing about From Justin to Kelly made me want to watch it. But it was on HBO, and I decided to record it anyway. For me to spend time talking about the plot seems kind of against the point, since the whole movie is about a boy wanting to hook up with a girl at Spring Break. The story is just there to get us from one song to the next, hopefully without boring too many people along the way. A musical lives and dies on the music, and frankly, most of the tracks here are unlistenable. Neither Kelly or Justin have particularly good voices, and they seem to be belting out the most generic pop ballads they could think of, which most of the time seems to have little to nothing to do with the script. It's almost more entertaining trying to figure out when the song and dance numbers are going to show up, since they happen almost at random. I'm sure there are worse musicals out there, but this has to be one of the most pointless. If this is what Spring Break has devolved into, then I'd rather be alone. F

Trisetta Lilly Barnes

Heya Gang.

A lot of people ask me why I only look at good movies. Well, usually it's because they are movies I have bought, and I generally only buy movies I want ... not the crap that would get a C, D, or F. But there's something to be said about always looking at good movies, especially when so many of them get an A-. So maybe I should talk about a couple of movies I watched this week on HBO, a couple of complete duds. As always, feel free to send me your thoughts, but I warn you, I hated these movies!

Cabin Fever - imdb - d. Eil Roth - I hate Cabin Fever ... I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it! Here is a movie that just can't figure out whether it wants to be a scary horror films or a parody of all those scary horror films. It starts out promising enough ... no, wait, it doesn't ... it starts out just as cliche as any horror film, with a bunch of 20-somethings all getting a cabin so they could party. At first you think this is going to be a parody of all those movies that start out exactly the same way ... but it's not. Soon a diseased man showes up at the door demanding medical aid, only to have the kids shoot him and set him on fire. Of course, little do these kids know that they will soon meet the same fate, since the disease is in the drinking water. As the weekend goes on they each start coming down with the disease. What does the disease do exactly? Well, it makes you look all gross and then kills you. That's it. Once you realize that everybody is going to die, there is very little reason for you to continue to watch the movie ... especially since they never actually resolve anything, and the ending only acts as a way to make a culturally racist joke. There are supporting characters, such as a young cop who seems even more out of place than the kids, but they aren't fleshed out, and the movie seems to use them as punch lines more than a few times. As a gross out movie, Cabin Fever fails miserably, since it's not even remotely disturbing or original. This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. F

National Security - imdb - d. Dennis Dugan - National Security is exactly what it looks like, a buddy "cop" film with all the cliches and trappings. It's a humorless exercise in generic film making, and is a complete waste of time. But it's not the cliches that annoy me, it's the forced racial disharmony between the two stars. After Steve Zahn, a fairly straigh laced, conservative cop, is caught on tape "beating" on a black man (Martin Lawrence), he is sent to jail, loses his job, and splits up with his girlfriend. Months later (and 40 minutes into this snorefest) Zahn returns to his real life and tries getting things back to normal. Before long Zahn and Lawrence find each other, and reluctantly team up to solve a big old mystery that involves crooked cops, and other rip offs from far superior buddy cop films. The problem I have with this movie is that it's just not funny. Not a single joke worked on me, and at some points, I almost wish they would stop going for the joke and just take it all seriously. Furthermore, it didn't take long to grow bitter with all the forced racial anger between the two stars. Over the last 20 years we've seen more than enough movies with a black guy and a white guy who just can't get along because of their race, but here it just doesn't seem natural. By the end of the movie I was split between wanting no racial tension or funnier racial tension ... either way, this movie only went through the motions. D

Trisetta Lilly Barnes

Heya Gang.

Sorry for the delay, but it's been a busy, busy week. Too many games, too much news, and too much real life stuff going on all at once, but I'm back with some good movies that I'm sure will net me a few angry responses. Anyway, maybe it's time to just get down to the nitty gritty, down to some talk about movies.

Fahrenheit 9/11 - imdb - d. Michael Moore - Did you know that Fahrenheit 9/11 is an extremely controversial movie? So, no matter what I say in this review, I'm going to ruffle the feathers of more than a few people. The only way I can go about reviewing this is to first and foremost explain that I am biased towards Michael Moore's cause. I really want Bush fired this November, and if Fahrenheit 9/11 can help, I'm all for it. But that doesn't really talk about the movie, and I can't review something based entirely on my political leanings.

Fahrenheit 9/11 is a great piece of propaganda. It doesn't pretend to take a balanced look at what Bush has done in the four years of his administration, nor does it try to sugar coat everything. It is what it is, a partisan look at why a good deal of people hate this President. It starts with a brief recap of the election in 2000, and then quickly moves on to the 9/11 attacks. Though we never see the attacks, this movie does entertain the notion that this tragedy has been used for personal gain. Here's a President that took us to war with Iraq under the pretext that they had something to do with 9/11, even though there was almost no evidence to back that up. Here's a President who has been able to take away civil liberties, all in the name of fighting terrorism. Granted, you might not agree with the points Moore makes throughout the film, but he does an excellent job of using pictures and video to do the talking rather than narration. The movie is never quite as creative or fun as Moore's first film, Roger & Me, but Fahrenheit 9/11 is extremely moving and effective. Even if you're not a fan of Moore or documentaries in general, there are a lot of moments in F9/11 that have to be seen to be believed. A-

(If you intend to use the talk back and criticize my review, I suggest you first visit Michael Moore's Warroom, which answers a good number of the complaints leveled against the movie. I am politically active, so if you do come at me, please have your material ready and researched. Having said all that, feel free to post away.)

God Said, "Ha!" - imdb - d. Julia Sweeney - As a teenager I would always stay up later than my parents wanted me to and watch the late night shows. One of my favorites was Saturday Night Live, which in the early 1990s was just starting to get good again. One of my favorite skits as a little girl was the It's Pat character, lovingly played by Julia Sweeney. I always liked Julia, and wanted her to have more work, but It's Pat always seemed to be the only thing she ever did. I always wondered what happened to her; I'd see her in direct to video movies occasionally and see her on a TV show every now and a again, but it was never regular work. And then I recorded God Said, "Ha!" off of IFC and all my questions were answered. This is a 90 minute spoken word written and performed by Julia herself. I was expecting it to be a comedy, and while it's humorous at times, it's really a story about a family and them dealing with cancer. After Julia's brother Mike is diagnosed with cancer, he (and the parents) decide to move into Julia's new one-person house. Problem is, as the months went on, thing started to get weird with them all living there. Tragedy strikes again when Julia is diagnosed with cancer. There are some laughs in the film, but it's mostly a heartbreaking look at one woman's struggles with things out of her control. Unlike a lot of ex-Saturday Night Live cast members, Julia has a way of actually telling an interesting, coherent story that makes you laugh and makes you cry (I'd love to see Adam Sandler try doing that). It wasn't what I expected, but it was still an amazing movie. B+

Trisetta Lilly Barnes

Heya Gang.

Here we are going into the week and I am still doing my happy dance. If you're having a hard time picturing the happy dance, just think of all those old Peanuts cartoons and you'll know what I'm talking about. Things seem to be good, nothing going to break my stride. I can't wait for tuesday, and there's yet another debate on Friday ... looking forward to that one, too. This is going to be a good week for wonks like myself.

BAADASSSSS! - imdb - d. Mario Van Peebles - First and foremost, how can you resist a movie called BAADASSSSS!??? And who would have known it's one of the best movies of the year, not to mention one of the best films about making a movie. This is a biopic of Melvin Van Peebles, the writer/director/actor of the influential 1970s film Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song. This film watches Melvin attempt to get funding, attempt to make a film, and attempt to get it into theaters. Unlike most biopics, BAADASSSSS! is woven together by son Mario Van Peebles, who was 13 when the film was being made and on hand for most of the key moments of his dads life. With the help of the real people that made Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song, Mario has turned what could have been nothing more than a sappy love letter into one of the best movies I've ever seen. It's worth mentioning that it has just about every actor you can think of in it, too. There must be a cast of thousands here, and a lot of familiar faces from the 1970s (even Adam West). Even if you've never heard of Sweet Sweetback and don't know how to sing his song, BAADASSSSS! is worth checking out. It's hard to imagine a movie that better portrays the struggle of the era, the racism, and the triumph. A

Yup, that's it. I'm only looking at one today ... but it's a real good one, so it's worth just looking at by itself. I have a few more films to get through tonight, but I might get sidetracked with the shows I still have on my ReplayTV. You'll see me soon, that's one thing you can bank on.

Trisetta Lilly Barnes

Heya Gang.

What a great week it's been! The news has been good, the debates went well, the weather has been fantastic, and I don't have anything to do. Maybe it's time for me to write more about what I watched last night and this morning, explain the visuals that flashed in front of my eyes. But before I do that, I know a lot of people read these posts (more than I ever thought would). I get he occasional comment in my mail box, and sometimes somebody responds directly. I just want it to be known, that not only do I look forward to hearing your thoughts, but I enjoy them as well. I am the kind of girl that will defend her opinions, and maybe, just maybe, we can find some common ground. So, having said all that, perhaps it's time you read the review, watch the movie, and then respond to the post. It would be super great. Thanks. Now, on with the show ...

Waking Life - imdb - d. Richard Linklater - Remember those things I wrote about Slacker a few days ago? Well, all of that applies to Waking Life, the animated film by writer/director Richard Linklater. If you absolutely need a plot, Waking Life is about a young boy who drifts through a dream-like state finding different people to chat with. Like Slacker, Waking Life is nothing more than an excuse to bring up a lot of different topics. If you don't care for what they're talking about, or find yourself uninterested in the topics, you probably won't care for the movie in general. However, I found it fun to watch all the way through. It features a number of cameos from other Linklater films, including a scene with the cast of Before Sunrise (and its sequel, Before Sunset). The animation is very unique, sometimes looking photo realistic, while other times looking more like the traditional comic books we've grown up on. But if you're not interested in what is being discussed, chances are you won't care much for the animation, no matter how odd it eventually becomes. I enjoyed it, and feel better having seen it. A-

Dancer in the Dark - imdb - d. Lars Von Trier - Going into this review I didn't really know where to start. Should I mention that I generally hate musicals? Or that I am in love with Bjork? How about that I've been a fan of almost all of Lar Von Trier since his very early work? As you can tell, I couldn't decide, so I opted to just mention it all up front. This is a musical, but not a traditional musical. It features Bjork, an imigrant to Washington State in the 1960s. She's raising a child and working two jobs to keep everything afloat. Her secret is that she's quickly going blind, and in the next few years she will be completely without sight. As she drifts into darkness, she finds the sounds of real life (machines clanging at work, sounds of kids at play outside, etc.) help her go into a surreal musical number. Since the film is headed by Bjork, none of the songs are traditional Broadway, but rather far more experimental and intersting. The film uses Lars Van Trier's pantented Dogme style of filmmaking, which involves hand held digital cameras, lots of edits/cuts, and no incidental music. The musical segments seem to throw that theory out the window, but they're also quite effective, with a lot of good music. It's also fun to look at how much Germany (where they shot) looks like Washington State (where it's set). Not everybody is going to like it, but it's well worth your time and effort. A-

Trisetta Lilly Barnes

Heya Gang.

Well, well, well ... what a difference a day makes. I was all worried about how things were going to turn out yesterday, and all this time, I had absolutely nothing to worry about! The news has been pretty good all day, and things are starting to look up. Maybe I should talk about some uplifting films, films that put a smile on your face. Nah ... I'm going to talk about two films that are really polar opposites. They are both good, but if you don't like one, you might like the other ... or maybe not. Either way, this is what I watched ...

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - imdb - d. Michel Gondry - Eternal Sunshine is the kind of movie that is easy for me to gush over. It's interesting, full of surprises, and unique all the way through. In fact, the only thing you can compare this movie to are the music videos Gondry has directed -- for artists like Bjork, Chemical Brothers, and Massive Attack -- and the other films that Charles Kaufman wrote (like Adaptation and Being John Malkovich). It's about a guy (Jim Carrey) who meets a quirky girl (Kate Winslet). They have a torrid love affair, but soon things go sour, and the girl decides to have all memory of the boy erased. No really, that's what she does! Jim Carrey hunts down this doctor, and decides that he needs to get even, which involves going through the process and having her erased. After that things get weird. The movie works on a couple different tracks, one with the doctors and assistants (played by Mary Jane, a hobbit, and some other guy) and another with Carrey actually trying to "save" his memories from being erased. The movie would be weird even without the Michal Gondry touches, but his style has an almost intoxicating feel to it. Nothing is quite as it seems and you'll likely need to watch it a few times to fully appreciate all the detail that went into the world they "populate". Without a doubt, this is one of the best movies of the year. A-

Welcome to the Dollhouse - imdb - d. Todd Solondz - Welcome to the Dollhouse is an unflinching look at a young, unattractive girl who grows up in a rough environment. At school she is picked on and threatened, at home she is constantly second banana to her younger, MUCH more attractive sister, and now even her "me" time is being invaded. But this isn't a tragedy, it's actually pretty funny. Like all of Solondz other films, Dollhouse isn't about characters getting revenge or finding their place in life, he's just interested in the messed up things that people occasionally have to deal with. We feel for the girl, but in the next breath find it hard to justify any of her actions. She's as frustrating as youth is, yet embodies a lot of things all of us dealt with growing up. Rarely do we rave about performances by young women, but Heather Matarazzo's performance here was worthy of an Oscar nod. Don't be misled by the kiddie exterior, what lies inside is very much adult, and something that will stick with you for a long time to come. A