My random thoughts, rants, and musings on the world.

• 26Apr 07

  Public service announcement to all Americans

  To the citizens of the United States of America:
  
  In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
  and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
  revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
  Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all
  states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which
  she does not fancy).
  
  Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
  America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
  Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
  to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to
  a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
  immediate effect:
  
  1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
  Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will
  be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The
  letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and
  'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
  skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by
  the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is
  pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as
  'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct
  pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
  vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the
  same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
  "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
  communication.
  
  2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
  on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
  account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
  
  3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
  Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
  
  4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
  will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England.
  It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
  
  5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
  lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
  therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
  should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
  things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
  you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
  
  6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
  more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
  you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
  
  7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
  your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
  we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
  will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
  time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of
  conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
  understand the British sense of humour.
  
  8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
  calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
  
  9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
  fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
  potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
  fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
  
  10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
  customers.
  
  11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
  actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
  referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
  provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be
  referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold
  without risk of further confusion.
  
  12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
  good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
  play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
  dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
  having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
  
  13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one
  kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave
  enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
  similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping
  for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
  like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It
  is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a
  game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you
  are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
  understandable.
  
  14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
  
  15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
  Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
  monies due backdated to 1776.
  
  Thank you for your co-operation.
  
  John Cleese
  • Posted Apr 26, 2007 9:14 am PT
  • Category: News
  • 0 Comments
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• 23Apr 07

  Violent Video Games

  So im tired of all of these *&^%ing law suits over violent video games because it 'caused the kids to do it' so we must ban video games that present violence.

  As a judge said over a video games ruling: "Violence is such a integral part in human development that sheilding our children from it till their 18 will cause them to be unaware and unprepared for adulthood" Look if we want to protect our kids from violence lets start with i dont know.... a history book? I have to see a video game as grewsome as the rack, the iron maden, gas chambers, mustard gas, furnaces, and every other weapon of murder, torture, and genocide. We are a violent species, we cannot stop this, whats next? censoring CNN because we're in a violent war?

   

  And hey lets not forget literature, their is one book that propagates violence and destruction that is almost enforced by most parents: the bible! Murder, death, genocide, and $^&% everything its expired (the crusades, the spanish inqiusition to name a few) is worse than every violent video game combined.

   

  Picking on video games is the Politically correct choice, most gamers dont vote case closed. But it is rediculous to think that a compilation of pixels will be the sole cause of violence. 

   

  STOP!!!! use your brain (i assume) and think before you sue, because at the next GTA hearing ill show up and ask they add the Bible, history textbooks and CNN in the plaintiff list 

  • Posted Apr 23, 2007 9:59 am PT
  • Category: Rant
  • 1 Comment
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