It really and truly does. It's such a horrific situation to be in..

Here's hoping that the massive outcry knocks some **** sense into a few suited skulls.

...and I'm just not feeling it.

After all the 10/10s and glowing reviews, Super Mario Galaxy is a massive disappointment. It's not a bad game by any means but it's not dropping my jaw the way it apparently should. And I think it's down to the controls. The wii-remote nunchuk combo just doesn't give me enough control over Mario or the camera, and it's turned some sections into a frustrating slog. Add in the total over animation when Mario gets hit or moves against a wall and you've got a game that's made me mutter "for **** sake" and "just jump you **** !" far more than any in recent memory.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that I've never loved any of Mario's 3D adventures. Take him back to 2D Ninty, that's where he belongs.

By being too damn good.

Seriously.

I have no idea how I'm going to be able to play UT3 or the next Battlefield game. Everything about TF2's design is basically perfect. Light enough for folk to ease into, useful and rewarding support classes for the non-twitchers, amazing art work... I love this game. I've had a huge smile on my face since I got the 'Master of Disguise' achievement by tricking an enemy medic into healing my spy.

Congratulations Valve. You have broken the shooter genre. You magnificent bastards.

The members of the BBFC have played more games, seen more porn, witnessed more cinematic violence, and have been exposed to more disturbing material than you ever will in your entire life. Most of the staff are in their late twenties/early thirties and recieve counselling to stop them becoming desensitised to their work. To try and paint them as old farts who just don't get 'teh videogames' is grossly incorrect.

I'm slightly pissed by the wails of "it's not fair!" echoing around the Internet. If Eastern Promise had been edited, the accusations of censorship would be flying in thick and fast. They choose not to edit and it's used as another way to attack the board. Are people really so blinkered that they can't understand the difference between a film that uses the occasional scene of extreme violence to further it's story and a game that is built from the ground up to be nothing but extreme violence?

Using Eastern Promise as a stick to beat the BBFC is a complete non-sequitor. As is mentioning that gun/knife violence is at an all time high and somehow trying to blame that on the board. Admittedly, the story came from the Daily Mail, a paper who's readership can be described as a bunch of ignorant f*****g c***s, who possess a tenious grip on reality but have a death hold on bigotry, homophobia and general moronicity, but it's still a mind boggiling statement. Are they honestly trying to say that leaving two scenes of extreme violence in a film is somehow responsible for idiots shooting each other?

I feel like I'm repeatng myself again. In a country where the rich avoid paying their share of taxes, 1 in 3 children live below the poverty line and the poorest are knocked down again and again, how can anyone possibly suggest that simulated violence is the reason for violent crime? Well, actually, I know why. You see, the swing voters, those comfortably ignorant middle ****folk don't understand games and wouldn't notice if they were all banned. Which makes a nice easy target for a politican pledging to lower crime without touching the main cause.

Tackling poverty...well, that might just inconvinience the rich and the well to do. And that can't possibly happen.

It's hilariously ironic that the BBFC relaxing their rules on censorship is met with much hand wrining and letters of disgust on both sides of the argument. Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place.

I have no idea whether Manhunt 2 should have been banned or not. But I know that the staff of the BBFC have taken a difficult step. Anecdotally, I have two friends who work for Rockstar North. They had some interesting views on the game...and not the ones you'd readily expect...

If I learnt nothing else from the festival, I've picked up that dweebs have no manners. After being jostled and pushed in the rush to see Guitar Hero III then jostled and pushed in the rush to see Unreal Tournament III, I'm not feeling particularly generous with regardsthepointdexterlyimpaired.Butthen...nerdswithsocialissues.Fancy that.

But it's worth putting up with the more excitable game playing types because the Interactive Festival is such a great experience. For anyone not familiar with Edinburgh and it's festivals: basically, for all of August, Edinburgh becomes the cultural centre of the world. We have the Fringe, which is dedicated to comedy and theatre, the main Edinburgh Festival, which deals with performance arts, the Edinburgh Book Festival, the Edinburgh Film Festival, and the Edinburgh Interactive Festival. The population of the city trebles and it's one of the most inspiring things to be involved in.

The Edinburgh Interactive Festival's tagline this year was Expanding the Culture of Games. The main festival is dedicated to those directly within the industry, with presentations about the trends in games, how users spend their time, why certain game characters resonate with audiences, and more specific panels about MMOs etc. But for the people outside the industry, the consumers if you will, one day of the festival is used for game screenings. The Odeon Cinema in the centre of town is commandered and the screens are used for game demos by the PR types.

It's such a fantastic idea.The excitement about the games being demonstrated is remarkable and it's easy PR work. Anyone who attended either the Guitar Hero III or UT screenings is going to buy the finished product. That's possibly down to how well Guitar Hero goes over with a crowd or the infectious enthuasiasm of MarkRein,butas a way to get your game out there it's top notch. And it's something theindustryshoulddomore.Thereareso few occasions where people get to see games previewed properly.Watching youtube videos of Welcome to the Junge pale when you have two members of the audience up there blasting away with plastic guitars. Unreal Tournament III might look pretty in the screenshots but to watch it in motion on a huge screen was spectacular. I'm completely sold on both game snow.All both companies had to do was send a rep with a debug machine and a preview build of the game.I'm fairly sure it was the E3 build for both games. Forget the big Expo's: do smaller more frequent screenings like the Interactive Festival.

Anyway, my thoughts on two of the screenings:

Guitar Hero III

RedOctane used their screening to announce a new song: She Bangs the Drums by the Stone Roses. Looks like a first tier song in that there aren't any huge flurries of notes.Chordchangescouldbetrickythough.Red Octane seem to be playing towards the concept of being a guitar hero; it's less about making music in a band and more about being the king of the stage. There was a real emphasise on the player feeling like a rock god, instead of getting together with other players to jam. The rep dealt with the inevitable Rock Band question by saying that both brands can happily co-exist because they're offering different experiences.I think the common feeling is that GH III is essentially what the first sequel should have been and looking at how the graphics and animation have been improveddoes support that. The difficulty seems to have been toned down from the second game. The fingering didn't look any easier but the rock-meter moved towards the red at a gentler rate. The rep used a wireless Union Jack LesPaul controller, which looked a million times better than the pure white Explorer guitar. There was also a nice insight into the choice between cover and master track: even if they can secure the master track, the developers may still use a cover version if they feel that certain sections of the song don't lend themselves to the gameplay particularly well. Mostly for songs with long repetitive fade outs instead of obvious endings.

Expected to hit the shelves in November.

Unreal Tournament III

I've not seen Crysis running in all it's glory but I reckon that UT3 is the best looking game ever. And if that's not enough hyperbole, I reckon it's shaping up to best the best Unreal game so far. The basic deathmatch looked fast and brutal, with the maps looking incredible. Gears of War has quite clearly coloured the development of UT3, with a ruined street map being the obvious influence. But it's still Unreal, with neon signs breaking up the GoW style bleakness. One of the highlights of the demo was when the Necris Walker was dropped off into the deathmatch. It's a huge War of the Worlds style Mech...thing with tentacle like legs that gripped onto buildings as it walked. It's such a ridiculous thing to say but it moved...realistically. Bonus points to Epic for having the thing able to climb up ledges and duck to fit through smaller areas; no artifical constraints here. Most impressive touch? The semi-ruined streets still have power cables going between buildings that would strecth and then snap as the mech-thingy walked into them. The new Warfare mode looks like a natural evolution of Onslaught mode withhuge maps. Lots of new touches and features to keep the action focused despite the acreage. No PC vs PS3 matches as the PC version will run slightly faster and Epic felt that there was no way to balance the systems fairly.

Unreal Tournament III looks incredible. And this is from someone who hates first person shooters. Arrives in November.

I think I'm going to review Overlord next.

I've been reviewing Xbox Live arcade games because I've just not had the time to write a 'big' review. Although, I think I'm going to try being more concise. I'm pretty verbose at the best of times, so it'll be a challenge.

I'm not really sure why I'm pre-announcing a review. Possibly so that I have a bit more motivation. Or something. I don't know.

p.s Is it just me, or is putting up stuff on this site a pain in the arse? If it's not the user review thing putting &"))*>> where the punctuation should be, it's this thing not spacing words properly. It'sabitstrange.

And here's the proof.

If you honestly can't understand why calling someone a spastic just because they get a low rating in a game is unacceptable...there's no hope for you.

I'm bored of Mario.

I have to pass a Gamestation on my way to work. It sits on a corner, beside a ridiculously busy road. I can stand there for upwards of five or six minutes, waiting for the lights to change and turn a zone of death into a zone of mild peril. The Gamestation has a display set up in its window. A Wii display specifically. I've seen the same preview videos loop around and around and around and around and around...

One of the preview videos is of Super Mario Galaxy. Watching the footage of Mario scampering around like a hyperactive overall wearing Burt Reynolds, I realised that I have no interest in this game. None. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Because it looks like it's the same ol' hunt for stars then take on Bowser gubbins. 

Well yeah. Super.

I want something else. I want to see Mario do something new. Something that knocks the plumber out of his jumpy platform rut. Bringing Mario up to date and cornering the 'Mature' market. I want to see any of the following (I've even given you tag lines Nintendo, make this happen!):

Super Mario: Whatever!
And, like, Bowser took the Princess, and I was, like, whatever!

After years of smashing his head against question mark blocks, after years of chasing Bowser through the Mushroom Kingdom, after years of rushing to save the Princess, Mario finally stops giving a crap. Realising that Bowser's constant princess-napping is nothing but a desperate plea for attention, Mario tries a new tactic; sitting on his couch watching TV. The Wii already has the wii-remote; all you need is the sofa to park yourself on. It's the ultimate in realistic motion sensing. Play the rhythm based mini-game to wipe Bowser's increasingly desperate messages from Mario's answering machine! Prepare for the ultimate challenge: explaining to Peach exactly why sitting eating crisps was more constructive than coming to her aid!

Mario Kart: Calcium
If you ain't outta control, you ain't in control - so drive really fast. And throw shells and stuff.

Things ain't what they used to be. Given that no one in the Mushroom Kingdom seems to have any kind of internal fixtures, a plumber is as in demand as a condom in a nunnery. Clearly, there is only one course of action; dust down the trusty go-kart and earn cash the old fashioned way; winning illegal street races. Ahem. Screwed over by Bowser in his very first race, Mario must work his way back up the black list and win back his kart, his money and the only women he's ever loved (setting aside the plot breaking point that no one in their right mind would try and win back someone who'd dumped them for a giant lizard just because they lost a race). Special motion sensing features; swing your arm when another racer gets too close and smack them square in the face with a turtle shell! Shoot out your opponents tires using the redesigned Bullet Bill power up! Special stealth missions: sneak into Bowser's garage and cut his brakes!

Death Wish 78: The Shadow of Bowser
Vigilante, Mushroom Kingdom st*le-- Judge, Jury, Executioner, and...ummm...Plumber

Mario already looks like a rotund, less aged version of Charles Bronson, and he does have his loved ones kidnapped and generally messed with an awful lot, so he's bound to snap eventually. Coming home to find Princess Peach missing again, Mario takes to the streets, wrench in hand, looking to take out Bowser once and for all. Mario starts taking down Bowser's empire piece by piece; taking over the fire flower dealing rings (dealer side missions!), destroying the prostitution racket (with Daisy the hooker sub plot!), and wiping out illegal gambling circuit (free Yoshi from inhuman conditions sub plot!).

Explore a sandbox version of the Mushroom Kingdom! Meet and help Nintendo stalwarts such as Luigi (runs a taxi stand!), Wario (runs a Goomba porn studio!), Donkey Kong (retired prize fighter who runs a gym!) and many more! Use motion sensing to take the fight to your opponent; put the wii-remote into the handle of the included replica wrench then swing your arm to make Mario swing his! Finally take the fight right to Bowser by beating the crap out of him!

Fear & Loathing in the Mushroom Kingdom
A savage journey to the heart of the Mario Bros dream.

A Cadillac, a rotund plumber, a weird mushroom mutant creature and a lot of drugs bomb their way into Desert Land. Ostensibly covering the annual Mint 400 kart tournament taking place in the desert, Mario S. Mario and his lawyer, Toad, engage in a wild tour of the sleaziest part of the Mushroom Kingdom.

Drive around the city with no real tasks to accomplish! Use the Wii-remote to keep Mario balanced as he wanders around a casino! Realise that this idea doesn't really work as an actual playable game!

So, yeah Nintendo; steal my ideas and make a new type of Mario game! I'll buy it!