• 5Oct 09

  'Contributions'

  Contributions, yeah right.

  Someone called me out the other day on one of my old reviews being terrible, namely my Shadow Hearts: Covenant one.

  Reading back over it...

  Yeah, you're exactly right, that review was ****ing awful.

  "Forgettable music"? What the HELL was I thinking?

  Then again I also complimented Japanese horror, and Tales of Symphonia. It's obvious I was still coming off the final throes of my weeaboo rehab.

  For people who can't read between the lines: Don't use crap from over two years ago to insult me. I was a very stupid person (inb4 idiots say I'm STILL a very stupid person) in my younger days, and it really wasn't long ago I came down from weeabooism. Gamespot doesn't allow you to delete your own reviews so you'll just have to deal with some of the stupider things I've said.

  • Posted Oct 5, 2009 11:01 pm PT
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• 17Jun 09

  "Leave the Wii alone, it isn't hurting you."

  Oh how many times I've heard that sentiment.

  See, my problem with the Wii wasn't it hurting me, it was knowing that given its popularity, it would one-day hurt me.

  And now it has.

  Monster Hunter 3 will be an exclusive to the Wii. Instead of 10 weapon types there will be 7, and those weapon types removed were some of the more unique ones. (Who the hell removes something as cool as a gigantic lance with a CANNON IN IT?!)

  Note that this is one of those games where weapon types vary an OBSCENE amount in play style, so losing weapon types isn't like Polearms being removed from WoW, it's like characters being removed from fighting games, or weapons being removed from Unreal Tournament.

  While we don't know how many monsters will return, we do know not all of them will, by simple educated assumption. Nobody 'reveals' returning monsters if there aren't some monsters who won't be returning. Some very interesting monsters were unpopular (see: Rajang, Tigrex, Akantor, Kushal, Teostra) and judging from how much they're lauding just ONE returning Monster, I'd guess well over half the enemies won't be returning.

  Of course, for every monster who doesn't return, that's a slew of weapons and armour that won't, since you make your gear from the corpses of your enemies.

  The difficulty has receiveda huge hit, and you seem to take about half as much damage with enemies having about half as much health.

  The main focus of the game seems to be swimming underwater, which is just so dumb my head wants to cave in. Swimming? INNOVATIVE? Christ, I remember swimming around in Donkey Kong Country. It wasn't innovative then; in fact, they were the worst levels in the game. Everyone's most hated temple in Zelda? Water. Worst levels in Sonic? The ones where you could drown.

  Even if swimming is uncommong in games these days, THERE'S A GOOD REASON FOR THAT. I'd say "I have no idea how you're meant to dodge the attacks of a two-storey tall dragon underwater," but I already know, you don't, because he does 20 damage per hit from your 150 healthand you don't freaking have to dodge anymore.

  The worst part? Because it's the Wii and it's starved for 'hardcore' games, and because they're FINALLY advertising for the franchise (on this very site, no less), it's going to be popular.

  The first popular-in-the-West Monster Hunter game, and it's not only on the Wii, it's a downgrade in almost every aspect.

  A port would be bad enough, but a DOWNGRADE?

  hurf durf but da gfx r betar

  For one, I thought you morons were the exact people arguing that graphics don't matter, and for two, GOD OF WAR 2, YES, 2, TWO, DOS, NI, II... Looked FAR better.

  This game would get an 8 or 9 for graphics IF THIS WAS FIVE YEARS AGO AND HALO 2 WAS STILL CUTTING EDGE.

  Meanwhile Capcom's non-AIDS divisions are making Lost Planet 2 which, for reasons beyond my comprehension, look as good as Crysis despite being on the 360. My only assumption is that they've performed some demonic rite that has made the game surpass hardware limitations.

  So yeah. For all you idiots who said the Wii isn't hurting me? I knew it would, and now it has. Enjoy your Monster Hunter 1.5, and I hope you're happy that yet ANOTHER of my favourite franchises is being raped.

  Another by Capcom, funnily enough.

  I guess Resident Evil 5 exhausted their awesome capacity.

  • Posted Jun 17, 2009 8:39 am PT
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• 31Jan 09

  Status... FAQ?

  So, it's come to my attention that a few people actually wander about this place (and by that I refer to both my userpage and Gamespot in general), and so an update after a 2-year silence may be a good idea. So, here's a few questions that I HAVEN'T been receiving but, if I were a popular game journalist, I may be receiving.

  Q: Are you retiring from shovelling piles of steaming hot feces onto popular games?

  A: No, I just do it more privately nowadays because I'm sick of being lampooned for what are completely reasonable views, opinions, and often facts, by people with completely unreasonable views, opinions and very rarely facts. I mean, the lampooning doesn't particularly bother me - if I was incapable of dealing with indignant criticism by ignorant masses then I would have done what said masses want by now and offed myself - but it does make it all quite pointless when not only do I not get my point across, I then get a big healthy dose of retarded shoved into my face.

  Q: So you're not going to shovel piles of steaming hot feces onto popular games publically anymore?

  A: Perhaps. There's also been a lack of games that truly deserve my ire to compound the above issue. Halo 3 is far too mediocre for me to truly sling **** at, there's been no new moves from Square that I've actually had the discipline to force myself to play (My God, did you see that Lost Odyssey crap? I played it for 5 minutes and read more than if I had've actually sat down to read a book. And yet, I read so much LESS than what I actually READ. It's like eating air), and despite being called 'Expansions' the aforementioned objects for World of Warcraft really haven't expanded anything. Sure I could spend a paragraph or two ratting them out for not actually doing anything with their trillions of dollars - like I am now - but then I'd run out of fresh dirt and start digging up all the crap I could pay out about the original game.

  That's the funny thing about critiquing an unoriginal media format. You can only do it for so long until you become just as unoriginal as them because you have nothing ****ing new to critique.

  And Gamespot's censoring nonsense. I don't like that at all.

  That and Yahtzee has, sadly, ruined alternative reviewing by not being alternative at all. He spent five minutes being funny and now all's he does is say how much he's indifferent to new **** Wii (and non-Wii in the case of Prince of Persia) games he should be pumelling to death, while reviewers who AREN'T him get accused of ripping him off, regardless of how long said alternative reviews have been reviewing since before his chavvy bollocks got famous.

  All that being said, perhaps I'll manage to squeeze out some reviews at some stage, now that I've remembered this site actually exists. There's got to be a crappy game I played at some ti-... OH YEAH! NINJA GAIDEN 2!

  Q: So, what, you're reviewing Ninja Gaiden 2 next? But most people didn't like that game.

  A: But they disliked it for stupid reasons. When they should have been disliking it for the fact that bosses stopped being challenging and started being cheap, and that Ninjas are completely freaking lame. Where the hell is Pirate Gaiden, huh? Where's the Pirate-themed DMC ripoff?

  OH SHI-, DMC4.

  Okay, so may I DO have quite a lot of crappy games I could review.

  Q: And finally, even though you addressed it all, mostly, over the last few questions: Where do your loyalties stand?

  A: Here is a list, compiled for your leisure.

  Crap: Nintendo, and all things related

  Blizzard, and all things related

  Square, and all things related

  Srsface competetive gamers

  Meh: Left 4 Dead

  TF2 (Previously win before destroyed by srsface competetive gamers)

  Win: Tom Clancy's HAWX

  Fallout 3

  Fighting games

  EA. Wait, SERIOUSLY? EA? Even I have trouble believing they pulled themselves out of the ditch that was madden to begin making some of the best games of the last six months.

  Win Beyond Your Wildest Dreams: Bioshock.

  Yeah, that about sums it up.

  • Posted Jan 31, 2009 7:47 am PT
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