Unbridled One-Sidedness Personified

• 10Oct 08

  On Top Of Everything Else

  

  Of course everyone's life has their ups and downs. But lately, mine seems like more downs than usual. Here are the short list of things I'm struggling with:

  1) Breaking up with Vanessa

  2) Not Drinking

  3) Being clinically exhausted from working out too much (40 hours of sleep in the last 3 days, and I'm still tired)

  4) My lack of urge to game

  5) Johnsteed's lack of blogging

  6) Did I mention confusion and regret involving the Vanessa situation?

  and to top if all off....

  7) Stop smoking. Yes, I've began smoking in the last month since I gave up drinking, and it's escalated terribly. It started out with 3 a day, now I'm up to 10-15. And I'm an athlete. It's been my way of dealing with the stress I've been going through lately, but it's tearing me down even more. I need to stop, and I will.

  But the next few weeks is going to be pure hell. Bracing for impact.

  • Posted Oct 10, 2008 1:03 pm PT
  • Category: Humor
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• 8Oct 08

  Bartending 101: The Cut-Off

  

  The notion of bartending as a "job" is lost on most people. It's because they imagine bartenders as college kids slinging drinks and picking up on hot girls, like the movie Cocktails with Tom Cruise. When in fact, the higher levels of bartending is very much a complex social art. I liken my education to the opposite of a Medical Student (after all, I am killing them slowly). Whereas these folks tend to spend 8-10 years locked up in a dark room studying, with little contact with other people and not fully socially developing oftentimes, I have been around nothing but endless varieties of people, social situations and outcomes for the last decade. Do I know how to perform surgery? Nope, but I sure am fun to have at a party!

  Anyway, we as bartenders make money off our ability to connect with people on a genuine level, entertain them, make them feel welcome and liked, and make sure our enviroment is as fun, safe, and productive as possible.

  Newer bartenders, myself 7 or 8 years ago included, don't see this. We wanted to be a bartender for the imagined parade of beautiful women and long nights of partying. I was no different. And in the beginning, the Mystical Art of the Cut-Off (MACO) was lost on me. I'd cut people off if they drank 2 Long Islands too fast. Or if they slurred a little. Or many other silly reasons.

  But today, I am a master of MACO. I see the signs early, I negotiate my words and gestures carefully, and am generally about %95 successful in convincing someone, no matter their background or level of drunkedness, that they are indeed not in need of another beverage, and they usually leave peacefully.

  But not in the beginning, as I mentioned. In the beginning, cutting people off I dreaded. Afterall, you are denying a drug addict their drug. And when you do this, almost anything can happen -- bottles thrown at you, barstools tossed across the bar, bouncers getting sucker punched. Lots of nasty stuff.

  What follows is a general guideline for knowing WHEN to cut people off, which I read years ago by an author of the name of Edwin Decker, who used to write a bartending column in a local magazine called SLAMM here in San Diego. I don't have the article with me right now, but I will relate, as accurately as I can (with my own twist, of course), the ingenius system that carried me through my early, unsure years as a solid guideline for WHEN to cut someone off. This is not the "how", which I may get into in another blog.

  GUIDELINES FOR CUTTING OFF THE MASSES -AKA- THE "D.U.D."

  1) (D)runk: This is an obvious one. Is the person slurring? Drooling? Have only one eye open? Hitting on fat chicks excessively? It's part of the law that we aren't allowed to serve people who are "visibly intoxicated", which is just about as accurate of a guideline as "just cut off kinda sorta drunk people who might be getting drunker". But as time goes on, you realize who can handle their **** and who can't.

  2) (U)gly: Ugly means that the person is rude. Abrasive. Lacking in social grace. Not the kind of social grace where they forget to say "Thank you", or even leave a tip. The kind of social grace where they whistle for your attention like you are their golden retriever. Or they complain about the service at the bar within your earshot. After all, respect is much, much more important to a bartender than tips. Because if you have respect, tips will come. Ugly means the person has a bad attitude, toward you, another member of the staff, or anyone in the bar. This one takes time to develop a sense for, and in due time, you can spot the uglies from a mile away. The potential for violence is high in these people, generally speaking.

  3) (D)umb: Fairly obvious. If someone is dumb, the chances of them causing problems when drinking is quadrupled. They're also much, much, much more likely to offend the girls at your bar, the nice regulars at the bar, make new customers annoyed and want to never come back, and just make complete idiots of themselves and bother people. Dumb people are not supposed to drink in public. Sorry if this sounds descriminatory, but it's absolutely true. Take your dumb ass home, dumbass.

  

  Here's what happens when Bartenders don't know the D.U.D system.

  Now here the rules for the D.U.D. system:

  1 = (D, U, or D.) Keep Drinking

  2 = (D.D, D.U, etc) No more drinking

  3 = (D.U.D) You've got to leave the bar. NOW.

  So for instance, if you qualify for one of these catagories, and ONLY one, you can keep drinking. Example -- say you're drunk, but you're still polite and somewhat coherent (not Ugly or Dumb) You're fine, and can keep drinking. Also say you're just a bit of a snob and you're being a little rude (Ugly), but you aren't drunk, or dumb. So be it, you can stay and drink, I will gladly deal with you, as long as I am not disrespected.

  HOWEVER, if you qualify for 2 or more of these at once (Dumb and Drunk, Ugly and Drunk, etc), and even if you're stone-cold sober (and are Dumb and Ugly for instance), you are done drinking in my bar for the night. Chance of you getting more booze = big fat zero.

  And FINALLY, if you qualify for all 3, and you are Drunk, Ugly, and Dumb, you will be asked to leave the bar. There's no way I'm letting a "D.U.D." stay in my bar. No way, no how, never. And please cooperate. If you don't, I will happily call over the 450 LB. man at the door and have him escort (or choke) you out the door. This makes me feel happy inside.

  So there you have it. The D.U.D system for cutting off the masses. Hope you enjoyed yourself, and maybe you even learned something. Perhaps another time I will write about the intricacies of the actual Cut-Off process itself (the HOW)!

  • Posted Oct 8, 2008 8:08 pm PT
  • Category: People
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• 8Oct 08

  Real Gaming Excitement

  OMFG!

  That, my friends, means I'm excited for the upcoming lineup of games in the next month. Here's my top 3.

  1) DEAD SPACE / 10/14

  

  Crossing my fingers for months on the quality of this promising looking game, I was very relieved to see early reviews in the 90+ range. This game comes out in less than a week, and yes, I am very excited. The footage, the screens, the atmosphere. I love good survival horror games and shooters, and this looks to combine both. Please EA, come through for me. I think you will.

  2) LITTLE BIG PLANET: 10/21

  

  Little Big Planet. I went from being mildly interested in this game, to being pretty excited once the beta started. Forum veterans on GAF, and yes, Gamespot raved about this game's charm, playability, and limitless variety. My curiosity has been peaked, I won't lie.

  3) FALLOUT 3 / 10/28

  

  Post-Apocolyptic setting? Check. Great visuals? Check. Proven masterful sandbox-RPG developer? Check, check, check. This game looks beyond cool, and I just hope it's a little more focused and a little less spread out than Oblivion. But those are my only, and very small concerns. Bring it!

  There's tons more coming too. Resistance 2, Gears 2, etc. But these are the next 3 weeks!

  Like I said, OMFG!

  • Posted Oct 8, 2008 11:16 am PT
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