Yoshi Land Episode 1: A Story About Eggs

In the suburbs of Yoshi Land, a green Yoshi named DoucheYoshi was flexing his muscles in the reflective surface of a puddle that had been left by this evening's rainstorm. He felt great. He had just gotten laid, which was pretty routine for him, but awesome nonetheless.

Most people agreed that DoucheYoshi was an a$$hole but that didn't matter because DoucheYoshi laid the best eggs. They were large, shiny, and firm, which is what Yoshettes tended to look for in a potential partner's eggs (a fact that had been proven by every credible ScienceYoshi). So while other Yoshis spent large amounts of time and money trying to get to third base, DoucheYoshi simply laid eggs in front of the prettiest Yoshettes, and the battle was won. Always. In fact, Yoshettes seemed so powerless to resist his eggs that he sometimes wondered if laying them counted as date rape.

The only problem with laying eggs of such exceptional quality was that his success with the Yoshettes produced a lot of haters. DoucheYoshi got laid several times a day, and that meant that other Yoshis weren't getting laid, and that made them real mad. DoucheYoshi thought that they should be focused on improving their egg game instead of hating on him, but such was life.

Thinking about how good it felt to be him, DoucheYoshi went back to his house, which was filled with mirrors and exercise equipment, and performed his usual ritual of laying an egg just to make sure that they were still on point (he was terrified of losing his ability to lay such high quality eggs). To his slight dismay, his egg looked a little less shiny than usual. Or was that just his imagination? DoucheYoshi decided to go to DoctorYoshi's house tomorrow to get a second opinion.

*****

"Yeah, man. Your eggs definitely look a little duller," said DoctorYoshi, a grey Yoshi who wore a lab coat and thick horn-rimmed glasses.

"Are you serious?"

"I wouldn't lie to you, man."

"Why do you think this is happening?"

"Beats me, man. Did you eat anything weird?"

"No."

"Have you been doing shrooms?"

"I don't mess with that stuff."

"You're totally missing out, man."

"Aren't you supposed to be a doctor?"

"I like to think of myself as a healer, man."

"What's the difference?"

"Being a healer is some spiritual sh!t, man. It's not like being a doctor. Anyway, you might have an STD, man."

"Nah, definitely not," said DoucheYoshi, "I always use protection."

"Good for you, man."

"Is there anything you can do to help me?"

"You work out, right?"

"Yeah, man."

"Are you mocking me, man?"

"No, man. I mean, no. But yeah, I work out all the time."

"So you know what a supplement is, right? Man."

"Yeah."

"I can give you one of those, man. It will make your eggs have more luster, man."

"Awesome," said DoucheYoshi, "Lay it on me."

"Sure thing, man!"

DoctorYoshi stepped on a footstool in order to reach the highest shelf in his "clinic", and took from it a little glass bottle. Then he hopped down and said, "Open up wide, man."

DoucheYoshi opened his mouth, grabbed the bottle with his tongue and swallowed it whole.

"You owe me a bottle, man."

*****

DoucheYoshi was confident in DoctorYoshi's supplement, so he skipped his afternoon routine of downing a fitness shake and laying an egg, and went to the library to pick up a new body-building book. However, that was only one reason for going to the library. His other reason was that the freakiest Yoshettes were the studious types. They made the club-dwelling Yoshettes look like girl scouts.

Whatever DoctorYoshi had given DoucheYoshi was making him feel quite good, so he decided that he was going to lay an egg in front of a particularly hard-to-get Yoshette.

Feeling invincible, he went to the "QUIET STUDY" section of the library and walked up to the table where the prudest Yoshette in all of Yoshi Land, PrudeYoshette, was sitting. She was Easter blue in color and wore the same kind of horn-rimmed specs that LibrarianYoshette wore. DoucheYoshi was proud to say that he was probably the only Yoshi that had ever bagged her.

"Hey, mami," he said, sitting across from her, "You feeling horny today?"

"No. That was only a one time thing."

"We can make it a two time thing, man. I mean, mami."

"No can do. I have dignity."

DoucheYoshi laughed. Dignity was no match for his eggs.

"Check it, mami," he said, and he got up and squatted. He knew that this would be the most beautiful egg he ever laid.

But it didn't come.

"Are you constipated or something?" asked PrudeYoshette.

"No. Just hold on a minute."

DoucheYoshi pushed extra hard but it still didn't come.

PrudeYoshette giggled.

"Are you trying to lay an egg?"

"No. I'm just...doing squats."

"Yeah right. You're trying to leg an egg, and you can't. That's hilarious!"

She bursted into raucous laughter that seemed to wilt DoucheYoshi's manhood. Then the laughter seemed to double and became almost choir-like.

DoucheYoshi looked around at his surroundings and discovered that there was about a dozen Yoshettes, all different colors, laughing at him. It was as if they had hatched out of thin air just to laugh at him.

Horrified, DoucheYoshi fled the scene.

*****

"What the hell did you give me?"

DoucheYoshi was in DoctorYoshi's clinic, backing DoctorYoshi into a corner while flexing his guns.

"I gave you some good sh!t man. So lay off me, man."

"You think it's a good not to be able to lay eggs?"

"That's not what it does, man. You must have some kind of personal defect, man. Maybe you should stop taking those steroids, man. I heard they make your...tongue shrink, man."

"I'm gonna beat your ass, man," said DoucheYoshi, but at that moment, DoctorYoshi's phone rang.

"I'll get back to you in a minute, man," he said and he ran over to the phone and picked it up.

"Oh, hey man. How's life treatin' ya', man. I know how that goes, man. Your Yoshette dumped you for another Yoshette? Sucks, man."

While DoctorYoshi sympathized with whoever had lost their Yoshette, DoucheYoshi climbed onto DoctorYoshi's footstool and looked at the bottles on the shelf. There was a clear one at the back that looked a lot like the one that contained the supplement that DoctorYoshi had given him. DoucheYoshi picked it up and examined the label, which said, "EGG STERILITY EXILIR."

"Oh no you didn't!" said DoucheYoshi and he leapt off of the stool and shook the bottle in front of DoctorYoshi's face.

"This is what you gave me, didn't you?"

"I'm trying to have a conversation, man."

"Fvck your conversation!" said DoucheYoshi and he grabbed the phone and threw it against the wall, so that it smashed into at least a dozen pieces. He was pumped.

"Are you serious, man? I don't like the cops, but I think I'm gonna have to call them if you keep destroying my sh!t, man."

"That supplement was an egg sterility elixir!"

"I just confused the labels, man," said DoctorYoshi, who seemed extremely relaxed for somebody who had just been caught red handed, "Don't tell anybody this, man, but I was high as a Lakitu that day since I had to do a surgery. I find that shrooms help me focus, man."

"So why do you have egg sterility exilir anyway?"

"It's for Yoshis that lay too many eggs, man."

"I guess that makes sense."

Starting to feel guilty for destroying DoctorYoshi's phone, DoucheYoshi's examined the bottle again. He turned it over in his hands and saw a little label on the back that said, "Explicitly for use on DoucheYoshi."

"What the fvck, man!"

"I guess I should have removed that," said DoctorYoshi, looking slightly nervous, "Oh well. Live and learn, man."

"Oh well? Are you serious? You poisoned me!"

"I think you're being a little hyperbolic, man."

"I'll give you hyperbolic!"

DoucheYoshi lunged at DoctorYoshi, but DoctorYoshi was too fast. He darted into the adjacent bathroom and closed the door behind him.

"You're lucky you have that bathroom to hide in," said DoucheYoshi, beating the door with his fists, "I'm gonna sue you for this."

"Go ahead. I got connections, man."

"Yeah, right," said DoucheYoshi.

Little did he know that DoctorYoshi was just a little pawn in a much broader plot against DoucheYoshi. It was a conspiracy, man.

*****

DoucheYoshi filed charges that same day, and went to sleep, confident that that the judge would rule in his favor and make DoctorYoshi pay him for his pain and suffering (after all, what else could be more painful than having a dozen Yoshettes laugh at you in tandem?).

But the next day, when JudgeYoshi had heard his case, he merely shrugged.

"That's life, son," he said.

"So Yoshis can just sterilize other Yoshis and get away with it?" said DoucheYoshi, close to tears.

"Pretty much, son."

"That's not fair."

"Life is not fair, son."

"Can I talk to your manager?"

"I don't have a manager, son. I'm a motherfvcking judge! Son."

"This is unbelievable," said DoucheYoshi, his eyes wet with pre-tears, "You guys must be plotting against me!"

"As a matter of fact, we are, son," said JudgeYoshi, "Me and the other Yoshis had a meeting and at that meeting, we decided that we don't like you stealing our women. So we hatched up a plot to stop you laying them purty eggs, no pun intended, son."

"You can't do things like that!" DoucheYoshi cried, "You're corrupt!"

At this, JudgeYoshi broke into obnoxious laughter.

"You think I don't know that, son? I'm the most corrupt judge that ever lived, son. Every morning I wake up thinking of new ways to screw the people, son."

"I'll get my revenge!" screamed DoucheYoshi and he left the courtroom, shaking with anger.

*****

When DoucheYoshi got home, something wonderful happened: He laid an egg, and it was bigger and more beautiful than ever. DoucheYoshi was back in business!

But revenge was still on the menu. Nobody plotted against DoucheYoshi and got away with it.

So DoucheYoshi decided to get revenge in the only way that he knew how, and that was by sleeping with all their Yoshettes, starting with the Judge's.

After digging around a little bit, DoucheYoshi found out that the Judge's Yoshette liked to hang out at a gritty cafe called "The Hard-Boiled Egg".

Adrenaline pumping in his veins, he went into the café and looked around for a purple Yoshette with a large mole near her snout.

He saw her in a dark corner of the café, sipping away at a smoothie. He thought that her mole looked more like a beauty mark, but it was close enough, so he walked up to her table, and said, "Hey, mami. Want to have some fun?"

"Do I know you?" said the purple Yoshette.

"Yeah," said DoucheYoshi, flexing his muscles, "I see you in my dreams every night."

The purple Yoshette rolled her eyes and said, "Pick up lines are so passé."

"Fine, I'll make it simple then. I would like to jump your bones, mamm."

"I don't think you want to be saying things like that to a Yoshette like me," said the Yoshette, "It ain't proper."

"I bet you'll think this is proper though," said DoucheYoshi, and with little strain, he pushed a beautiful egg out of his butt.

Yoshette looked taken aback for a second, but she shook her head.

"That won't work on me. I'm a cla$$y Yoshette."

"Okay. Whatever," said DoucheYoshi and he turned around and left the shop.

He had only walked about two feet down the street when he heard a female voice.

"Please jump my bones!" screamed the purple Yoshette, jumping on his back, "I beg you!"

"It would be my pleasure," said DoucheYoshi, feeling on top of the world, "If you don't mind, I would like to videotape us."

"Why?"

"I have my reasons."

*****

DoucheYoshi woke up the next morning with a feeling of immense satisfaction. Not only had he gotten laid, but he had sent the videotape to JudgeYoshi's address. He wished he could see the look on JudgeYoshi's face when he popped it into his VCR.

With the sun shining pleasantly on his face, DoucheYoshi got out of bed, put his boots on, and went down to the kitchen. He had to have his bowl, had to have cereal.

He was just about to add milk to his Wheaties when there was an aggressive knock at the door.

That must be JudgeYoshi, thought DoucheYoshi, feeling pumped, and he ran to the door and opened it, ready to fight. Ever since he had started putting on muscle, he had wanted to fight someone, but the opportunity never presented itself.

Hoping some fly Yoshettes were out there (he wanted them to see his fighting skills), DoucheYoshi opened the door and quickly tried to close it again.

"Not so fast, you motherfvcker, you," a voice said, and then a steel-toed boot lunged out and prevented the door from closing.

DoucheYoshi felt like fainting.

On his doorstep were a dozen Yoshis wearing dark sunglasses. They were all armed with steel bats. The one who the steel-toed boot belonged to was the shortest of them.

"Who are you?" said DoucheYoshi in a shaking voice. "Why are you here?"

"The name's PeschiYoshi," said PesciYoshi, stroking his bat, "We heard from JudgeYoshi that you was screwing the boss's wife."

"I didn't mean to," said DoucheYoshi. Pre-tears were in his eyes again. "I didn't know that was the boss's wife."

"Honestly, I sympathize with you cuz I've slept with many a married Yoshette," said PesciYoshi, "It's a privilege that comes wit' being a mobster. But you still gotta be punished. Bosses' orders."

"Can't you just pretend to beat the sh!t out of me?"

"Nope. Gotta be genuine."

And all at once, the MobsterYoshis charged at him, their bats raised.

As if he had swallowed a dash pepper, DoucheYoshi ran frantically up to his room, and opened the window. Then he jumped out into the street and landed on his side.

"There he goes, PesciYoshi!" said one of the MobYoshis, and they chased after him.

With a stitch in his side, DoucheYoshi ran for his life. If he had had pants, he would be sh!tting them right now. But instead, he laid eggs for several miles, and they were all gorgeous.