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My Friends

5Sep 07
Ahhh vacation time. Is there any better time of the year? Maybe if we had a national urinate on the people that piss you off day (get it urinate on the people that "piss" you off? mwhahah teh pun) than it would come close. But alas I have to save my mighty man pee for defecation of public property, and not people. If only I was in charge of this crazy world. So im off until the 10th or maybe a little later and have a bee-jesus ton of new games to talk about and play, in my usual insane bloggy ways. First off you may have noticed the blog title changed, yeah its a reference to horror films of old and one I think ill finally stick with. Hard to tell as im a pretty random person (as you may have ass-certained) So like getting an unidentifiable STD, prepare for a strange yet wondrous trip of this months purchases (and an extra special surprise at the end)

Warning! This Blog Contains 75% More Pee/Poop Jokes Than Normal.

Systemz



System: PSP (y'know just in case you thought that was a DS lite pictured there you mental incompetent)
Company: Guess. No seriously. Ok ill give you a hint, it ryhmes with "Sony"
My Rating: Id give it a solid 8, but the DS gets a 9. It dosent have the library to compete quite yet.

Yep ive jumped on board the PSP lovetrain, so far all is sexy. I like my PSPs like I like my girls, slim, sexy and wide on the bottom *ba dum ching!* the system has a lot of neat features like wireless internet and music playback, and is comfortable to hold and use, unlike the DS that cramps my hand worse than a long night of.......... ..... cribbage. Thats right cribbage! What did you think I was gonna say?

So ill get into the games here next but to comment on the actual system, its sleek looking, awesome and the only real complaint I have so far is that its a magnet for fingerprints. I should buy a pair of sexy leather italian gloves just to use for playing this thing I guess. Also I could then slap people with class, "you sir are a cad!" *slap* Just ask GG, I recently slapped the crap out of him. Gamez



Game: Jeanne D' Arc
Designer: Level 5
My Rating: French kissing? French Fries? French Toast? The French rule!

How do you spell awesome in French? ........ Le Awesome? Bah, whatever. Haven't got to play this yet, but all signs point to awesome. An SRPG with high production values, and a fun battle system looks to be a winner in my book. I mean even if the story is a little historically skewed to be a fun videogame. I mean I dont recall reading about Dragons and talking frogs in the history books about the hundred years war but maybe there was. But I have a more important question, if you are french and you kiss someone using your tounge is that french kissing or normal kissing? Ive never been abled to figure that out...



Game: Dungeon Siege: Throne Of Agony
Designer: Supervillian Studios/Chris Taylor
My Rating: Throne Of Agony? LOL. Here come the constipation jokes...

Well I never played a Dungeon Siege game before, but I heard they were decent, servicable Diablo clones so I seen it at a good price and it picked it up with my PSP. When I got home I read the review here, swore a bit and then spit on myself accidentaly (I was aiming for the game) but I will still playthrough it and probably have some fun, its been a while since I played a hack n slasher rpg so ill get some enjoyment out of it. What? You thought I was actually gonna cop out and go the easy route by making fun of the title and its hilariously symbolic references to constipation/bathroom problems? Come on, im above that kind of thing! *snicker* .....*cant hold it in*..............*mwahahahahahaha* poop! poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poopity poop poop! *phew* feel better. Seriously I want you to say the word poop out loud, right now. Now say it again. Now say "poopity poop poop mcpoopy poopster" fun eh? poop.



Game: Dungeons And Dragons Tactics
Designer: Kuju Entertainment
My Rating: rrrrrrr....rant mode building...losing...control....cant.stop.hate...askldgjkop!!

Ok. So this game is actually pretty decent. Take all the DnD rules, put it into an srpg/dungeon crawl mishmash and you have a pretty decent time. That is if you're a big geek like me an know all the rules off by heart and used to be a big time geeky dungeonmaster. Ok so I play the game for a while, I ahve a 12 hour quest going and I save and turn it off last night. Now then today everytime I try to load my save game (I only ever save in one slot) my psp shuts itself off. THANKS GAME, I TOTALLY WANT TO REPLAY THE FIRST 12 ******* HOURS AGAIN YOU STUPID **** sack of **** ugly son of a ***** ***** ****** ********** ****** ***??***?! Not a good first memory of my psp I have to say, if the system wasnt so damn pricey it would already be soaked in my steaming hot man pee and flung into the face of an EB employee.



Game: Metroid Prime 3: Corruption
Designer: Retro Studios
My Rating: Samus could sooo kick Master Cheifs ass. She'd grapple beam his manhood off.

Ahh a possible GOTY candidate right here folks. Finally FPS perfection control wise has reared its head into the realm of console gaming, point and shoot, move... its all so smooth and second nature it adds tons to the immersion of the game. Also the voice overs and more structured gameplay make it the best title in the series for me so far. Im not too far in but im having a blast so far, it is THE Wii game to own, suck it Zelda!



Game: Bioshock
Designer: Irrational Games/ 2K Boston
My Rating: Like video game sexxorz.

Those of you who haven't played this yet are in for a treat, it is a fantastic journey of a game and a pinnacle of accomplishment from both a graphical standpoint and a storytelling/immersion one. The city of rapture while wild and fantastic is lifelike and believable in every aspect, and the gameplay is pure sex all the time whether you are using telekinisis to smack the poop out of things, or any other number of your myriad powers.



Game: Resident Evil
Desinger: Capcom
My Rating: 9.5/10 the absolute epitome of the survival horror experience

Ahhh Remake, its been a long long time since I played you. Having recently finished RE4 again on the Wii I had the urge to go through the remake and experience the old school style of play. The adventure and immersion in this game is amazing, and the graphics still hold up today as amazing. Y'know though, if I was trapped in that mansion, if it was me as a special agent ass-kicker I would probably become special agent mcweepy crybaby zombie chow. Oh what like you would be some badass zombie killer? You know that unamed guy that gets eaten by the dogs while they are running to the mansion at the start of the game? Yeah thats you. Pfft.



Game: Metroid Prime
Desinger: Retro Studios
My Rating: Not only would she grapple beam MC's manhood, she would then give him a wave blaster photon enema!

Ok so what, I never finished this game. What? Wanna fight about it? So what if stupid Ridley stopped me dead in my tracks. Stupid dragon bastard is gonna get his block knocked off this time!! Its been a long time since I played this and im looking forward to experiencing the crazyness again (after number 3 of course)



Game: Viewtiful Joe
Designer: Capcom. Yes I am obsessed with them, they are my favorite game designers eva. Equal to Bioware.
My Rating: Moonrays and Fairy beams! ......yeah.

Well I bought the sequel a hella long time ago and never got to play it yet. So I seen this for a whooping $5.00 and said "oh mama schweet thang, oh hell yeah give it up for daddy!" and after that girl slapped me for that pickup line, I bought this and left the store. Girls...go figure Anyways, I heard only good things about the series and its one of those I missed out on, cant wait to jump in and beat em up, love these kind of games.



Game: Devil May Cry 3: Special Edition
Designer: The great and mighty kazoo from the flintstones. Yeah him.
My Rating: I remember I reviewed this a whiiiile back, but anyways its awesome

One of my favorite games from last gen. Tons of awesome boss fights, a complex and still accesible fighting system. Fun, tough and right up there with Ninja Gaiden for best action game ever. Now that I finally found a copy again we'll have to have to arrange a manly contest of sorts before the 4th game comes out (one of my most anticipated titles)



Game: Breath Of Fire 3
Designer: Oh look another Capcom game, best company ever FTW!
My Rating: About an 8, I remember it was a really fun romp with a killer fishing minigame

A surprise find when I was at the EB picking stuff up I seen it sitting all by its lonesome shoved behind some PS1 crap like Syphon Filter and Spyro The Dragon. A nice five spot picked up this PS1 great title. A solid JRPG game back when they were actually making good JRPGS Now all we get is freakin poopy leftovers. WTF.



OMFG does this ever end...so long....sitting here.....typing... my hands are cramped (damn you mast.... ...cribbage!) my eyes are on fire...they water and sweat like an overgrown STD out of control. Still I can not become like mr.handicap cat here, I will perservererere..... yeah that looks cose enough to proper spelling. Wheres my beer?!!! ...... ...... ok thats a bit better, now then, on to talk about a few movies I picked up and then..... ...well you'll see.

Moviez



Movie: Fight Club
Director: David Finch
My Rating: I am Jacks awesome movie. 10/10

Ive probably seen this over a dozen times now and I can still watch it again and again. One of my favorite movies that speaks loud and true about male aggresion, societys obsession with material values and consumerism, and some hella good acting and ass kicking by Edward Norton and Brad Pitt.



Movie: The Silence Of The Lambs
Director: Jonathon Demme
My Rating: It puts the lotion on its skin... 10/10

I watched this again last night, I have forgotten how absolutley masterfull the acting is in this film, especially from Anthony Hopkins. I don't think I have ever seen such a pure evil character portrayed so frighteningly realistic as he can do it. Still sends chills down my spine watching this. I also forgot how godamn crazy the film is between Hannibal and Buffalo Bill..... yowzas. Such an intense watch, and another one of my favorites.



Movie: The Terminator
Director: James Cameron
My Rating: It cannot stop! It will not stop....until you are dead... 10/10

Yep probably still my all time favorite movie series, the first one isnt as fantastic as the second movie but is still a classic all the same. Ive seen it easily 30 times and plan to watch it again today, "Sarah Connor?" ........."yes?" .....*blam!* Its even better to watch this in 07 cause it was made in 84 and has all the bad 80's haircuts/clothes and references. Hahahaha man people looked funny.



Movie: Predator 2
Director: Stephen Hopkins
My Rating: Hes in town with a few days to kill....... 8.5/10

Another awesome-tastic action flick that still holds up today. Some of the special effects arent quite up to snuff with todays standards but its still awesome nonetheless. If you dont know who the predators are then you suck and I wish upon you a horrible case of acne and strange itching rash!

*phhheew!*

What is that it? Is it all over? My hands are so cramped I may never touch my.....er play cribbage again! But wait.! Theres more....oh ****

THE PSP VS. THE DS LITE VS. THE NGAGE VS. ....PICARD? AND UH...... SMOKEY THE BEAR??!



Yo, yo yo yo check it. Im the PSP and im really phat, all the cool kids know that im where its at, for portable gaming and porn on the go the psp is where you go! On your way out the door while you're grabbing your nine grab me too and we'll bust a rhyme. Check it!



That is the stupidest ******* thing I ever heard. You try waaay to hard to be hip and street "homeboy"



yo, yo, yo check it, check it, its the DS lite that stupid fool, why dont you go back to your cooking mama, cause you're so cool! Check it!



Yes...the only games I have are cooking mama and Nintendogs, nothing good at all. So how many people bought you again PSP? Like 17 compared to my 47 million? Hmmm? And for christ sakes if you answer me in a rap im gonna smack the **** outta ya gaminggeek style!



yo, yo, yo- check it. It must be cool to be all the rage, its surprising what 12 year old girls will buy these days! Your stupid ugly pink, freakshow ass, cant compare to my style or class, check it!



Thats it im gonna kill em.... first im gonna murder him, than im gonna kill em! Somebody better call 911 cause im about to flipscreen your ass to death!!!



Does someone have need of a telephone?! Hi im the Ngage, im gonna replace both of you suckers on the handheld market. Am I phone, am I a gaming machine, who knows? Im just all awesome. Believe it!



o_0



OMFG. I must be dead. Yes thats it! That explains it! I have died and gone to hell.



No, no, no you are very much alive ...(for now) and just stupified by the sheer magnificence of my awesomeness. Believe it!



yo, yo yo check it. Just who the hell is this stupid foo? thinks hes a phone and a gaming machine too? Ill dial an 187 on his wannabe ass, then put my taters on his face and have a laugh, check it!



So im not dead..... ...must......die...to..save...myself... just...please....let..me....die...*whimper*



Whatever you old relics are just in my way! Stand back im gonna shoot a commercial right here and now to show to the whole world the purity of my overly awesome splendor! Believe it! Boys and girls I present to you Captain Jean Luc Picard! Now then Captain, all I want you to do is point and say NGAGE!!! And bam were done. ACTION!



Engage!



...... ok no no no, I mean N-gage! N gage!



Engage!



*eeerk* No.... .... N-g-a-g-e.....



E-n-g-a-g-e!!



wwwahahahahahah/!111!. No N-GAGE. N-GAGE you ****, notice the subtle yet noticeable pronounciation difference, N-GAGE, not ENAGE. N-GAGE. Just drop the E and you got it? Ok?



........



........



......*AHEM* *clears throat*



.......



ENGAGE!



Waaaahahahahahahhhohohohohooh thats it im gonna burn your old ass to death, I will self destruct and burn us all I hate you THAT much



Remember kids only you can prevent forest fires!

Believe it!

44 Comments

  • Valek1394

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 9:17 am PT

    Nice one GMode!

    I want my DS back, evil ex stole it. The PSP still doesn't have enough of a library to entice me into droping the cash on it yet though. At this point in it's life, it's kind of sad I still say that.

    Maybe I should update my blog soon. I can tell the tale of my 3 day weekend. It's frought with rain, booze, and crotch punching.

  • juradai

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 9:17 am PT

    You picked up some really good titles, GME. Resident Evil remake looks pretty cool. Whenever I get a Wii I will look into picking it up. As always, your picture comedy is spot on and entertaining. I always enjoy them.

  • UpInFlames

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 10:06 am PT

    Jean-Luc! This blog rocks my nerd trekkie ass.

    As for your PSP and games...there's nothing for me to say. You need to wake up and smell the coffee, you've become nothing but a dirty console gamer through and through. A casual one at that!

  • gaminggeek

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 10:59 am PT

    So not only do you slap me with cheap Italian leather, you brag about it to your so-called friends?

  • Lord_Nihilus0

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 11:05 am PT

    Haha, nice blog. I need some fresh ideas for my blog...

  • SciFiCat

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 12:38 pm PT

    Very nice blog entry, thumbs up on you gaming and movie selection, altough I must say that Predator 2 is only slightly better than the first one but just because the whole Alien skull in the trophy room scene. That moment alone lauched the whole Alien VS Predator phenomenom. (Good PC games, horrid movie) Hope AVP2 delivers

  • immortality20

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 1:09 pm PT

    Dude you just smoked some PSP!

  • GodModeEnabled

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 1:51 pm PT

    Valek Hahaah three days of drinking and crotch punching? Do share man?!

    Juradai REmake is a fantastic game, its truly amazing and hard to describe the horror and adventure that game offers in mere words. Its a definete buy you wont be dissapointed.

    Flames wh....whats with all the hate? The PC blog is coming...dont worry about that... wait...what you are gonna kidnap my pets again?! Bu...but.... ah damn it.

    GG

    Lord Nihilus0 Thanks dude, if I havent responded to yours latley its because I have a lot to get too, but im on my way!

    ScifiCat Yeah I agree the second movie is only slightly better, and the whole AvP thing is awesome (besides the movie) the actual novels are really good.

    immortality20

  • Angry_Beaver

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 2:45 pm PT

    HAHAHAHAHA @ Picard & teh EN-GAGE!!!!

  • dvader654

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 3:25 pm PT

    Holy crap Picard had my laughing my ass off, genius, pure genius. Enjoy your PSP, but what is up with all the medievil type games. Metal Gear? Daxter? Um... I'm sure they have more games, cant think of them right now... Anyway, I have never seen Predator 2, how can it possibly be better than a bunch of governors in a jungle fighting one crazy alien.

  • SteelAttack

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 5:32 pm PT

    Awesome blog, man. As usual. You have a nice movie selection there, I hope you enjoy the hell out of your new fingerprint magnet. You know, if the games available on the system aren't our thing, well, there's always por...table entertainment, such as videos, music.....
    aaaaaaarghhhh!!! who am I kidding? porn! porn! pr0n! teh pr0n! Use it for pron!! And then you can...practice cribbage. All night long.

  • immortality20

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 7:59 pm PT

    Oh yeah, not sure if you heard, bought my ticket for October 19th. Another awesome 12 hour flight.

  • GodModeEnabled

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 10:46 pm PT

    Vader heh, sometimes I have my moments. Oh and I was in a daze buying games.. im still new to this whole psp thing so i wasnt sure what the hell to get, I have some research to do. I am excited though because upcoming titles are Castlevania: Dracula X, Silent Hill Origins and God Of War Chains Of Olympus I know I wanna pick up Metal Gear for sure... sides thats I have some reading to do.

    SteelAttack Hahahaha, yeah as soon as I figure out how to get this little beast online it will be pronfest 2007. pr0n at work! pr0n in public! pr0n everywhere!

    Imm20 Yeah I heard, im excited!

  • Teufelhuhn Site moderator

    Posted Sep 5, 2007 11:43 pm PT

    Lol, Predator 2 is hilarious. Take out Ah-nold and replace him with...Danny Glover???

    And I agree with UpInFlames: you've left us for the dirty console gamers. You're never being allowed back into the club of godly PC gamers. EVER.

  • GodModeEnabled

    Posted Sep 6, 2007 1:42 pm PT

    ^ Lies, lies all dirty lies!

  • dvader654

    Posted Sep 6, 2007 3:25 pm PT

    GME it is unavoidable, it is your destiny. Join us in the, sitting comfortably on a couch, side of the gaming force.

  • zyxe

    Posted Sep 6, 2007 4:42 pm PT

    smokey the bear >> smacky the frog. check it.

  • GodModeEnabled

    Posted Sep 7, 2007 12:45 am PT

    Vader- ive always been an everything gamer I grew up on pc and console gaming im all over the place. I dont give a flying crystalized porcupine terd what systems teh games are on, I just want the games! Sega vs Nintendo? **** that gimmie both, its always been like this. I am like the uber video game nerd, its always been my thing I will play anything!

    Zyxe- s.....smacky the frog? o_0

  • Valek1394

    Posted Sep 7, 2007 6:48 am PT

    According to Mitch Hedberg, Smacky the Frog is the British equivelent of Smokey the Bear. Personally, I think the bear is a bit more effective. No one wants to piss off a giant shovel wielding bear in overalls. o_o

    On an entirely unrelated note, why does the word 'overall's' make me think of that kid on the porch in Deliverance? Overalls freak me out.

  • SteelAttack

    Posted Sep 7, 2007 6:56 am PT

    I'm all over overalls. Lol. How stupid can I get?

  • GodModeEnabled

    Posted Sep 7, 2007 8:21 am PT

    Heh yeah overalls are a freaky hillbilly thing. I remember when they were popular in school though. I also remember the days of rap superstars Kris Kross and all of us wearing our pants backwards

    what? It was like the 4th grade....

  • immortality20

    Posted Sep 7, 2007 9:14 am PT

    This coming from a guy who can't even beat Tomb Raider: Legend
    ohhohhohhohhohhhhhhhhh

  • SteelAttack

    Posted Sep 7, 2007 10:04 am PT

    Even though I made a super-clever pun a couple posts ago, I really don't like overalls. I loathe the way they show your nipples for the world to see. They do provide lots of space for wang-motion, though. Hmm.....*adopts thinker position*

  • GodModeEnabled

    Posted Sep 7, 2007 4:55 pm PT

    ^ it was so clever I figured I wouldnt even mention it as to ruin the pun for everyone else. Also wangmotion is the kep to life, just ask michael jackson.

  • zyxe

    Posted Sep 8, 2007 8:40 pm PT

    i was wondering who'd get the mitch reference! valek, you get a cookie

  • SteelAttack

    Posted Sep 9, 2007 7:48 am PT

    Why only he gets a cookie? *grumbles*Damn Valek, I hope you choke with your cookie.....*grumbles*

  • GodModeEnabled

    Posted Sep 9, 2007 9:39 am PT

    *secretly injects a super powerfull dose of morphine into the cookie*

  • nickscho

    Posted Sep 9, 2007 1:03 pm PT

    This blog made me do things in my pantaloons.

  • GodModeEnabled

    Posted Sep 9, 2007 1:41 pm PT

    o_0

  • Valek1394

    Posted Sep 10, 2007 6:25 am PT

    Alright! A cookie!

    I sure hope no one secretly injected my cookie with a super powerful dose of morphine.

    Anyways, I'd like to tell you all about this dream I had. You see, it involves this society of hyper-intelligent monkeys, and they all ride on skateboards.... at times, there... ....bananas.... *falls over*

  • SteelAttack

    Posted Sep 10, 2007 6:57 am PT

    *screams like the 2001: A Space Odissey anthropoids and proceeds to dance around the lying corpse in a grotesque fashion*

  • GodModeEnabled

    Posted Sep 10, 2007 8:43 pm PT

    *t-bags*

  • immortality20

    Posted Sep 10, 2007 8:48 pm PT

    i like big butts and i can not lie?

  • Valek1394

    Posted Sep 11, 2007 5:59 am PT

    you know if I wasn't suffering a 104 degree fever, and a mild delirium, I'd totally stab you.

  • GodModeEnabled

    Posted Sep 11, 2007 9:04 am PT

    hahahaha, i wonder what being stabbed is like? *stabs his arm*



    not worth it! not worth it! not worth it!

  • SteelAttack

    Posted Sep 11, 2007 7:45 pm PT

    *stabs his groin*
    you were right! you were right! you were right!!!

  • Valek1394

    Posted Sep 13, 2007 7:47 am PT

    *walks in and ONCE AGAIN, not unlike Steel's blog - see's everyone writihing around in agony*

    o_O

    You guys are on your own this time. I'm outta here!

    *falls off a cliff onto some sharp spikes suspiciously laid out at the bottom*

    ah SONOFAB**CH! WHO PUT THESE THINGS HERE!!?

  • GodModeEnabled

    Posted Sep 13, 2007 10:33 am PT

    *heeheehee*

    I knew those sharp spikes would serve me well!

    I mean...

    **** man I have no idea how they got there!

    *whistles*

  • Valek1394

    Posted Sep 13, 2007 10:59 am PT

    This is like Mortal Kombats 1-48 all over again! Which would explain the green blood. har har har.

    I just remembered we have a Union. Also, my company has an advertisement on this site now for free gas for a year... when the hell have we ever done that? Why is it on Gamespot!? Houston doesn't even *HAVE* BP gas stations yet! Just the American Corporate Headquarters. Am I still elligible? I want free fuel for a year! Damnit!

    This is all stupid and there's a spike in my face.

    mmmm... skittles.

  • GodModeEnabled

    Posted Sep 13, 2007 6:17 pm PT

    Yeah I pretty much havent been to the unioun in like...months..just dont really have the time for it. Hahaha your work is cutting into your leisure time! It should say "Buy our gas...ps get back to work Valek!!"

  • SteelAttack

    Posted Sep 13, 2007 7:28 pm PT

    Lol. Valek's boss is starting to look after him here at Gamespot. Next thing you're going to have him moaning at the GGD about how casual-oriented is teh Wii, hahaha.

  • Valek1394

    Posted Sep 14, 2007 6:38 am PT

    The Wii doesn't exist. I'm convinced you're all lying to me. *can't find one ANYWHERE. EVER*

  • immortality20

    Posted Sep 17, 2007 6:38 pm PT

    The Wii sucks.And for the person falling off a cliff on spikes, I dont think the spikes would worry you too much, considering you're probably DOA anyways.

  • Valek1394

    Posted Sep 18, 2007 9:18 am PT

    pssh, shows what you know!

    First of all, as I said, the Wii doesn't even EXIST. It has to exist first, then you can have your opinion of it sucking or not.

    As for those spikes, it's all good, because I ate a green mushroom and got an extra guy. I just have to go back to the check point...... now then... where's that darn warp whistle?

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