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Warning! This Blog Contains 75% More Pee/Poop Jokes Than Normal.
Systemz

System: PSP (y'know just in case you thought that was a DS lite pictured there you mental incompetent)
Company: Guess. No seriously. Ok ill give you a hint, it ryhmes with "Sony"
My Rating: Id give it a solid 8, but the DS gets a 9. It dosent have the library to compete quite yet.
Yep ive jumped on board the PSP lovetrain, so far all is sexy. I like my PSPs like I like my girls, slim, sexy and wide on the bottom *ba dum ching!* the system has a lot of neat features like wireless internet and music playback, and is comfortable to hold and use, unlike the DS that cramps my hand worse than a long night of.......... ..... cribbage. Thats right cribbage! What did you think I was gonna say?
So ill get into the games here next but to comment on the actual system, its sleek looking, awesome and the only real complaint I have so far is that its a magnet for fingerprints. I should buy a pair of sexy leather italian gloves just to use for playing this thing I guess. Also I could then slap people with class, "you sir are a cad!" *slap* Just ask GG, I recently slapped the crap out of him. Gamez

Game: Jeanne D' Arc
Designer: Level 5
My Rating: French kissing? French Fries? French Toast? The French rule!
How do you spell awesome in French? ........ Le Awesome? Bah, whatever. Haven't got to play this yet, but all signs point to awesome. An SRPG with high production values, and a fun battle system looks to be a winner in my book. I mean even if the story is a little historically skewed to be a fun videogame. I mean I dont recall reading about Dragons and talking frogs in the history books about the hundred years war but maybe there was. But I have a more important question, if you are french and you kiss someone using your tounge is that french kissing or normal kissing? Ive never been abled to figure that out...

Game: Dungeon Siege: Throne Of Agony
Designer: Supervillian Studios/Chris Taylor
My Rating: Throne Of Agony? LOL. Here come the constipation jokes...
Well I never played a Dungeon Siege game before, but I heard they were decent, servicable Diablo clones so I seen it at a good price and it picked it up with my PSP. When I got home I read the review here, swore a bit and then spit on myself accidentaly (I was aiming for the game) but I will still playthrough it and probably have some fun, its been a while since I played a hack n slasher rpg so ill get some enjoyment out of it. What? You thought I was actually gonna cop out and go the easy route by making fun of the title and its hilariously symbolic references to constipation/bathroom problems? Come on, im above that kind of thing! *snicker* .....*cant hold it in*..............*mwahahahahahaha* poop! poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poopity poop poop! *phew* feel better. Seriously I want you to say the word poop out loud, right now. Now say it again. Now say "poopity poop poop mcpoopy poopster" fun eh? poop.
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Game: Dungeons And Dragons Tactics
Designer: Kuju Entertainment
My Rating: rrrrrrr....rant mode building...losing...control....cant.stop.hate...askldgjkop!!
Ok. So this game is actually pretty decent. Take all the DnD rules, put it into an srpg/dungeon crawl mishmash and you have a pretty decent time. That is if you're a big geek like me an know all the rules off by heart and used to be a big time geeky dungeonmaster. Ok so I play the game for a while, I ahve a 12 hour quest going and I save and turn it off last night. Now then today everytime I try to load my save game (I only ever save in one slot) my psp shuts itself off. THANKS GAME, I TOTALLY WANT TO REPLAY THE FIRST 12 ******* HOURS AGAIN YOU STUPID **** sack of **** ugly son of a ***** ***** ****** ********** ****** ***??***?! Not a good first memory of my psp I have to say, if the system wasnt so damn pricey it would already be soaked in my steaming hot man pee and flung into the face of an EB employee.

Game: Metroid Prime 3: Corruption
Designer: Retro Studios
My Rating: Samus could sooo kick Master Cheifs ass. She'd grapple beam his manhood off.
Ahh a possible GOTY candidate right here folks. Finally FPS perfection control wise has reared its head into the realm of console gaming, point and shoot, move... its all so smooth and second nature it adds tons to the immersion of the game. Also the voice overs and more structured gameplay make it the best title in the series for me so far. Im not too far in but im having a blast so far, it is THE Wii game to own, suck it Zelda!

Game: Bioshock
Designer: Irrational Games/ 2K Boston
My Rating: Like video game sexxorz.
Those of you who haven't played this yet are in for a treat, it is a fantastic journey of a game and a pinnacle of accomplishment from both a graphical standpoint and a storytelling/immersion one. The city of rapture while wild and fantastic is lifelike and believable in every aspect, and the gameplay is pure sex all the time whether you are using telekinisis to smack the poop out of things, or any other number of your myriad powers.

Game: Resident Evil
Desinger: Capcom
My Rating: 9.5/10 the absolute epitome of the survival horror experience
Ahhh Remake, its been a long long time since I played you. Having recently finished RE4 again on the Wii I had the urge to go through the remake and experience the old school style of play. The adventure and immersion in this game is amazing, and the graphics still hold up today as amazing. Y'know though, if I was trapped in that mansion, if it was me as a special agent ass-kicker I would probably become special agent mcweepy crybaby zombie chow. Oh what like you would be some badass zombie killer? You know that unamed guy that gets eaten by the dogs while they are running to the mansion at the start of the game? Yeah thats you. Pfft.

Game: Metroid Prime
Desinger: Retro Studios
My Rating: Not only would she grapple beam MC's manhood, she would then give him a wave blaster photon enema!
Ok so what, I never finished this game. What? Wanna fight about it?

Game: Viewtiful Joe
Designer: Capcom. Yes I am obsessed with them, they are my favorite game designers eva. Equal to Bioware.
My Rating: Moonrays and Fairy beams! ......yeah.
Well I bought the sequel a hella long time ago and never got to play it yet. So I seen this for a whooping $5.00 and said "oh mama schweet thang, oh hell yeah give it up for daddy!" and after that girl slapped me for that pickup line, I bought this and left the store. Girls...go figure

Game: Devil May Cry 3: Special Edition
Designer: The great and mighty kazoo from the flintstones. Yeah him.
My Rating: I remember I reviewed this a whiiiile back, but anyways its awesome
One of my favorite games from last gen. Tons of awesome boss fights, a complex and still accesible fighting system. Fun, tough and right up there with Ninja Gaiden for best action game ever. Now that I finally found a copy again we'll have to have to arrange a manly contest of sorts before the 4th game comes out (one of my most anticipated titles)
Game: Breath Of Fire 3
Designer: Oh look another Capcom game, best company ever FTW!
My Rating: About an 8, I remember it was a really fun romp with a killer fishing minigame
A surprise find when I was at the EB picking stuff up I seen it sitting all by its lonesome shoved behind some PS1 crap like Syphon Filter and Spyro The Dragon. A nice five spot picked up this PS1 great title. A solid JRPG game back when they were actually making good JRPGS

OMFG does this ever end...so long....sitting here.....typing... my hands are cramped (damn you mast.... ...cribbage!) my eyes are on fire...they water and sweat like an overgrown STD out of control. Still I can not become like mr.handicap cat here, I will perservererere..... yeah that looks cose enough to proper spelling. Wheres my beer?!!! ...... ...... ok thats a bit better, now then, on to talk about a few movies I picked up and then..... ...well you'll see.
Moviez

Movie: Fight Club
Director: David Finch
My Rating: I am Jacks awesome movie. 10/10
Ive probably seen this over a dozen times now and I can still watch it again and again. One of my favorite movies that speaks loud and true about male aggresion, societys obsession with material values and consumerism, and some hella good acting and ass kicking by Edward Norton and Brad Pitt.

Movie: The Silence Of The Lambs
Director: Jonathon Demme
My Rating: It puts the lotion on its skin... 10/10
I watched this again last night, I have forgotten how absolutley masterfull the acting is in this film, especially from Anthony Hopkins. I don't think I have ever seen such a pure evil character portrayed so frighteningly realistic as he can do it. Still sends chills down my spine watching this. I also forgot how godamn crazy the film is between Hannibal and Buffalo Bill..... yowzas. Such an intense watch, and another one of my favorites.

Movie: The Terminator
Director: James Cameron
My Rating: It cannot stop! It will not stop....until you are dead... 10/10
Yep probably still my all time favorite movie series, the first one isnt as fantastic as the second movie but is still a classic all the same. Ive seen it easily 30 times and plan to watch it again today, "Sarah Connor?" ........."yes?" .....*blam!* Its even better to watch this in 07 cause it was made in 84 and has all the bad 80's haircuts/clothes and references. Hahahaha man people looked funny.

Movie: Predator 2
Director: Stephen Hopkins
My Rating: Hes in town with a few days to kill....... 8.5/10
Another awesome-tastic action flick that still holds up today. Some of the special effects arent quite up to snuff with todays standards but its still awesome nonetheless. If you dont know who the predators are then you suck and I wish upon you a horrible case of acne and strange itching rash!
*phhheew!*
What is that it? Is it all over? My hands are so cramped I may never touch my.....er play cribbage again! But wait.! Theres more....oh ****
THE PSP VS. THE DS LITE VS. THE NGAGE VS. ....PICARD? AND UH...... SMOKEY THE BEAR??!

Yo, yo yo yo check it. Im the PSP and im really phat, all the cool kids know that im where its at, for portable gaming and porn on the go the psp is where you go! On your way out the door while you're grabbing your nine grab me too and we'll bust a rhyme. Check it!


yo, yo, yo check it, check it, its the DS lite that stupid fool, why dont you go back to your cooking mama, cause you're so cool! Check it!

Yes...the only games I have are cooking mama and Nintendogs, nothing good at all. So how many people bought you again PSP? Like 17 compared to my 47 million? Hmmm? And for christ sakes if you answer me in a rap im gonna smack the **** outta ya gaminggeek style!

yo, yo, yo- check it. It must be cool to be all the rage, its surprising what 12 year old girls will buy these days! Your stupid ugly pink, freakshow ass, cant compare to my style or class, check it!

Thats it im gonna kill em.... first im gonna murder him, than im gonna kill em! Somebody better call 911 cause im about to flipscreen your ass to death!!!

Does someone have need of a telephone?! Hi im the Ngage, im gonna replace both of you suckers on the handheld market. Am I phone, am I a gaming machine, who knows? Im just all awesome. Believe it!

o_0

OMFG. I must be dead. Yes thats it! That explains it! I have died and gone to hell.

No, no, no you are very much alive ...(for now) and just stupified by the sheer magnificence of my awesomeness. Believe it!

yo, yo yo check it. Just who the hell is this stupid foo? thinks hes a phone and a gaming machine too? Ill dial an 187 on his wannabe ass, then put my taters on his face and have a laugh, check it!

So im not dead..... ...must......die...to..save...myself... just...please....let..me....die...*whimper*

Whatever you old relics are just in my way! Stand back im gonna shoot a commercial right here and now to show to the whole world the purity of my overly awesome splendor! Believe it! Boys and girls I present to you Captain Jean Luc Picard! Now then Captain, all I want you to do is point and say NGAGE!!! And bam were done. ACTION!

Engage!

...... ok no no no, I mean N-gage! N gage!

Engage!

*eeerk* No.... ....

E-n-g-a-g-e!!

wwwahahahahahah/!111!. No N-GAGE. N-GAGE you ****, notice the subtle yet noticeable pronounciation difference, N-GAGE, not ENAGE. N-GAGE. Just drop the E and you got it? Ok?

........

........

......*AHEM* *clears throat*

.......

ENGAGE!

Waaaahahahahahahhhohohohohooh thats it im gonna burn your old ass to death, I will self destruct and burn us all I hate you THAT much

Remember kids only you can prevent forest fires!
Believe it!
- Posted Sep 5, 2007 7:19 am PT
- Category: N/A
- 44 Comments
44 Comments