My blog... not much to say, except read it!
So I'm sitting here trying to think of something I could write that would awe and amaze those who chose to read it, even though my writing ability isn't exactly amazing, but... nothing revolutionary or epiphanic is coming to mind. I have no epic poems or original prose or even hilarious rants at the edge of my cursor at the moment. I have no lame surveys to complete or stupid facebook quizzes, and no momentary diversions from the monotony of the information highway. Just like the "1,000 channels and nothing to watch" conundrum, I sit here wondering why there's nothing to do online, with billions of web-pages to explore. Older generations would call me "a ******* imbecile" for thinking that, and not finding something "productive" to do with my time, but I say go to Hell to the lot of them. They're all going to die first, anyway. That aside, I'm still left deciding what to say. I suppose I could say nothing, but then I just wasted the last ten minutes, so that would be stupid. I could talk about what's wrong with the world, but that would be like naming every star in the universe, something I know you won't read. I could talk about what's right with the world, but that would be a list far shorter than what I have already written, and I would be done already. Of course, I could talk about how cynical that previous sentence was, but considering recent events, that would be a paper cut instead of a stabbing. I could talk about a favorite subject of mine: politics. Unfortunately, many people find the topic either boring or offensive, or are simply ignorant on the subject. While entertaining and a huge ego boost, such people become very annoying after just a short time of making fun of them to their faces while they don't even realize it. The problem is, ignorance is just sad, and it pisses me off, frankly. So that topic's out. I suppose I could rant about something that pisses me off, but lately those things are personal, so no-go. And it's funny, but while I've sat here and thought about what to write, it turns out I wrote an entire note about... nothing. Diddly squat. Zippo. Nada. Zero. Absolutely nothing. Congrats on wasting whatever amount of time it took you to read this. That's exactly the amount of time you just lost off of your life, and will never get back. Thanks for reading!
Plain expanse of endless white
Stretching beyond my horizons.
Is it my destiny to fill that void
With the ink of my blood?
Am I bound by unseen and unwritten laws?
Is this what it has come to?
I'd rather go out
And play in the rain.
Reflections of me
In molten drops of you
Falling in rhythm to my footsteps
On the soil of my mind.
Not a care in the world,
Least of all
Of ephemeral souls
Hiding behind veils of innocence.
Beneath me the ideas of the weak,
Like worms through the clay,
Slide headlong into their origins,
And affect me not,
I'd rather go out
And play in the rain.
The Sea, the Sea, the Sea.
That obnoxious temptress,
Beguiling every 'free' man,
With Her angelic face.
Luring him closer, so
That he may bathe in Her
Inviting 'warm' water.
Beware to the O' so
Foolish fisherman, so
Confident in himself.
Nary a man escapes
Her cold clutches the same,
For you are the true bait.
Cruel She can be, throwing
Your pathetic dinghy
About, as if to taunt you,
While you bob amongst gulls,
All equally stubborn,
And also gullible.
You foolish fisherman!
Believing that you can
Tame Her! Your laments will
Not be heard among the gulls.
Your only hope, the only hope,
Is to keep a sharp eye
Peeled towards the horizon.
There you seek, that which all
Gulls seek. A high beacon,
Tall among the shell-shocked
Coast. Bob if you will, bob
Regardless of the Others.
All paths in that turmoil
Lead to the Tower White,
For Her light doth shine bright.
Amongst the untamed sea
You may be, but with Her,
You can never be lost.
Like lemmings, they babble
And bump into your now
Iron resolve, stupid
That they are. You forge ahead,
Through that cruel, cold ocean,
Towards your beacon, towards your
Anchor. Nothing weighs you
Down so much as knowing
She's not with you now, and
You must continue through
The surf, alone in Night.
And but for the Mermaid,
Who sits upon her rock,
You would have lost your mind
To the insanity
A very long time ago.
And yet, you continue.
As the North Star has mapped
The heavens for Man, She
Maps your very existence.
A compass is useless,
When you have Her always.
And so your life begins
Anew, fresh from the Sea.
What was once your own Hell,
Is now your beginning.
To grace the living realm
To wither and die
To open your eyes
To smolder and burn
One in the same
These two, au contraire
With every birth
There is death, and so
To fear Death
Is the height of folly
For the purpose of Death
Is to destroy
What happens, though
When Gaia's machine stalls?
No more foes for Death to stalk
No more to admit they are done
Who shall Death then smite?
Fear Death not
Pity that ephemeral being instead
Doomed to eternity without purpose
Is indeed worse than Death
1. When we turn on the faucet, we expect to have water come out; we expect to have faucets. Think of the processes involved in getting you that clean, healthy, fresh water. It doesn't happen by osmosis, you know. It beats walking to the nearest source of freshwater every day.
2. When we get out of school, we expect that our homes and families will still be there for us to return to. Just because something isn't probable, doesn't make it impossible. Cherish what you have.
3. When we flip the switch, we expect the light to turn on; we expect to have electricity with which to turn on the light. What goes into creating electricity, what it even is, is something most people can't comprehend. It's there, and it makes your iPod make noise. It also runs your furnace on freezing days. Without it, you would most likely not survive many nights in Colorado.
4. We get pissed when we get a dropped call or missed text, without regard to the fact that your call or text had to go outside the Earth's atmosphere and back, covering thousands of miles, virtually instantaneously, while hundreds of millions of other calls and texts make the same trip, at the same time. Doesn't your minor inconvenience of having to simply try again beat sending letters back and forth through the mail?
5. We expect roads. Paved, smooth, and wide roads. We expect these roads will take us anywhere we want to go and in a timely fashion. God forbid if we have to sit in traffic for an extra five minutes! Guess what? It still beats walking. Before the Industrial Revolution, why do you think most people never went more than a mile or two from home? Because going to the next town was a DAY long process, to speak nothing of going cross-country. Some places are still like this, too.
6. People are angry when their flight is later than it was supposed to be, which inconveniences them. Think, though: has your flight ever been years late? No. With planes, you can sit in a chair in the sky, move at 600 mph, and, recently, communicate with anyone in the world while doing so. Before, what takes you mere hours now, would have taken you much of your adult life. Patience is a virtue.
7. Having parents who love each other. With a divorce rate of over 50% in the United States, we simply can't come to expect this reasonably any more. People need to THINK before they make the decision to get married, and then, have kids. Don't take this for granted, because how do you really know how your parents feel about each other? You don't. One day you might come home and find that they ripped your family apart, because they didn't think.
8. Having a functioning sewage system. 'Nuff said.
9. Having friends who will always be there for you, no matter what. Without them, your life will suck. If you find friends worth keeping, never let go, and don't let stupid things get in the way of that. If you see someone that looks like they just lost their best friend, they probably did. Go talk to them. You'll make their day.
10. The fact that we happen to have the most powerful military on the planet, hands down. Since we are so protected here, many of us have simply no idea the kind of situations people go through each day, simply to survive. In Vietnam, the impoverished must travel through miles of dense jungle, while dodging old landmines, to get… water. As Americans, we've come to think that we can't be harmed, as if the oceans are some sort of force field to protect us from those that wish to do us harm. 9/11 changed that perception… at first. After a few years, though, we've gone back to that way of thinking. Be happy you live somewhere where you are allowed that luxury.
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to two groups of Americans: our military veterans, and all senior citizens who are members of the World War II era, also known as The Greatest Generation. I want to apologize for myself and my generation not doing our part to be more like you. You sacrificed, took risks, did without, and delayed gratification of one sort or another for a cause greater than yourselves.
My generation and the rest of the American population has been rather cowardly when it comes to defending our liberties. Not that we have not had plenty volunteer for military service, because we have. Our cowardice has been in not standing up to our own government's weakness, deceit, and manipulation. You see, we have now endured several "wars" which have been pathetic, at best. Not the actions of our soldiers, but the actions of our government and the inaction of our citizens.
Most recently, by my count, we have been "at war" for nearly a decade. But honestly, we are not a nation "at war". We are not doing without. We are not stopping our lives to band together, uniting against a common enemy foreign or domestic, fighting to win at all costs, while demanding that our soldiers and citizens be kept out of harm's way unless absolutely necessary.
What have we sacrificed to get the ugly job done, whatever the goal is? Where is the sugar rationing? Where is the rubber shortage? Where is the shortage of workers when all available men have gone off to do difficult but necessary tasks? There is no Rosie the Riveter here. Instead, we are told to keep showing up at our cubicles each weekday, and at the malls on weekends. Keep shopping. Keep refinancing our mortgages. And keep watching the war on TV.
We are a rich nation of 300 million people, and we cannot win and end a war? We cannot catch, imprison, or kill our enemy once and for all? We cannot be done with ugly, tragic, and expensive actions and get on with being a kinder, gentler nation? If we were truly "at war", we could achieve this end in 1 day. What a ridiculous scam. And we fell for it, voted for it, sat by and watched it happen.
We lined up like patriotic lemmings with flags on our lapels and allowed groups of privileged men to orchestrate a never-ending series of wars, while most of them NEVER went to war, let alone served their country in uniform. We allowed them to repeatedly install, train, and fund villains that we trembled in fear of, like the boogie man under our bed. Red enemies, yellow enemies, and now anyone tan or with a turban on.
I am not a veteran, so I cannot speak as if I am any better than other non-veterans. But how ironic, that when these ChickenHawks had the opportunity to actually BE in one of those wars they so eagerly send our sons and daughters off to die in, they "had other priorities." Someone aspiring to be Commander-In-Chief chose to serve 4 years of a 6 year enlistment in a stateside National Guard unit, and somehow took a few years leave after that. Second in command claimed marriage as his out. One received seven deferments by teaching business school. Another used his religion's "study abroad" requirement to escape service. Yet another dodged the draft by enrolling in college acting courses. One had a terrible knee, but somehow was able to keep playing in the NFL for 8 more seasons. The cream of this crop had a cyst on his bottom that prevented him from heroic duty. And there are hundreds more.
As detestable as this is to me, I must say I am even more ashamed of our apathy in not defending our own soldiers and citizens from harm. We sit idly by and allow paper warriors to wrap themselves in our sacred flag, shouting out like bullhorns and rattling the sabers of vengeance. We send soldiers into "wars" without enough armor, no clear and definable goal, and no national courage to actually use our might to bring the war to a quick and absolute end. We give up some liberties for our common security, only to allow it to be used to snoop on political enemies. Elderly widows are frisked at the airport to show how serious we are about "homeland security", while the majority of cargo luggage, out of public view, skates through unexamined. We buy the sham, and keep buying those luxury goods and services. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Those who stand up and call the charlatans to the carpet are questioned as unpatriotic. Why is that? Why is it that the folks fighting AGAINST wars and the folks FIGHTING wars are divided? Why are those who protest wars, and those with loved ones carelessly tossed to the dogs of war, are shouting at each other from opposite sides of the street? Why are they not on the same side, there is plenty of room on that curb. We could use a few more radicals at Support The Troops rallies, and a few more moms of soldiers at war protests. Why do we so easily succumb to the "divide and conquer" wedges of race and religion?
Our voluntary duping, apathy, and lemming-like acquiescence to this manipulation is something I have not done my part to rail against, either. I have been too busy consuming, getting, living it up. Certainly not sacrificing. It is embarrassing. Shameful. For that, Greatest Generation and all American veterans, you have my sincere apology. I should have been protecting and looking out for you the way you have protected me. I am relieved that my father and his father are not alive to see this dereliction of civic duty and sorry state of affairs. I am just sorry we did not wait until the rest of The Greatest Generation had passed on, before falling so short of their example.
There was the lonely nerd,
Alone from his herd,
Sitting at his computer;
What was a hooter?
Sessions of Dungeons and Dragons,
All that pushing and pulling of wagons,
He had no time for birds,
Shooting monsters by the thirds,
Let alone for anatomy,
Only time for appendicovesicostomy!
Of pens he was a collector,
All for his pocket protector!
Oh, woe the acne!
And as clean as a hackney!
But so desirable, because no one hates
Someone such as Bill Gates!
Whether indifference or pride,
He sees no need to hide,
Though he might need a guide,
To ever find himself a bride!
I have been quiet for quite a while now... but no more. I thought that I could last a little while longer without gloating to some of my more, shall we say, conservative, friends... but NO MORE! I am going to shout my joy to the world, or anyone that will listen to me. As you may or may not have noticed, I get diarrhea of the mouth sometimes, and it usually takes far more than some cherry-flavored pepto to shut me up... Well, I'm proud to announce, that on this matter, nothing short of Stalin getting up and handing me the keys to Russia will get me to shut up. November 4, 2008. Just savor it. Savor it. I SAID SAVOR IT! Ok, fine, don't savor. I don't care. Actually, that's bull****. I do care. I care so much, that I'm willing to savor it for you. In fact, I've been savoring my ass off since I saw the, er, enlightened, folks over on Fox Noise **** their pants. Oh man, I've been savoring. I really can't describe the feeling... but I'll try. Hypothetically, it's as if I were a hypothetical person living in a hypothetical country, which was ruled by a hypothetical leader, who referred to himself in the third-person as, "The Decider." Now just suppose, for a moment, that in this hypothetical country, I were a hypothetical, "Joe the Plumber," during this hypothetical nation's election. Being this hypothetical, "Joe the Plumber," suppose that I were paraded around by a hypothetical two hundred year old man and a hypothetical bimbo from Alaska, so that they might have a hypothetical chance to win this hypothetical election. Suppose, now, that this hypothetical, "Joe the Plumber," was actually a fraud, and the entire basis for parading him around as the neo-conservative-Right's symbol for America was then shot to ****. Now suppose that this is just one of the hypothetical situations that won President Obama the hypothetical election. Now suppose that none of that is actually hypothetical, and you can see why I've been savoring. Perhaps I can provide more examples. Now, this all might have to be put in context, for you less politically inclined individuals. 2004: Incumbent President Bush defeated Democratic Nominee John Kerry, very narrowly, by stealing the election. (During this time, Republicans held control over the Executive, Legislative, and even, arguably, the Judicial branches of government.) Bush's approval ratings during the intervening years dropped from barely 50% after his re-election, to below 40%, and even, for a time, getting worse ratings than Nixon. Then again, no major cities were allowed to drown under Nixon's administration, and Nixon didn't respond to a domestic attack by invading the wrong country. Plus, Nixon was intelligent enough to be called "Tricky Dick." Bush is stupid enough to be called "a ******* imbecile." On top of that, Nixon's VP had the decency to resign… Bush's VP is the worst human being who has ever lived. Hmm.. maybe that has something to do with having approval ratings that were the worst in recorded history…Ok, sure, there were some redeeming aspects about Bush's administration… let's see… ok, yeah, there were some bad moments, like, um, Cheney and everything he touched, and Mars. Remember he wanted to go to Mars? Jesus… and yeah, the whole detaining people without due process, and making every country on the planet both hate us and think we're all inbred monkeys with lesser intelligence than your average rock… sure, he decided to give tax cuts during a time of war, and we all still ended up worse off then we were during the Clinton years, accept for the ****heads who have more money than they can ever spend, of course… And ok, he left all the children behind, and bankrupted our nation, while increasing the national deficit to over a trillion dollars, and illegally listened to us talk about nothing, and withdrew funding for stem-cell research, and the Patriot Act, which weakened and took most of our civil liberties… what am I forgetting? Oh right: including nothing but yes-men into his cabinet and kicking out anyone who dared disagree… and being controlled by Grand Puppet Master Cheney, of course. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure Bush tried to warn us that we would fail in Iraq… In fact, he did! October 4, 2001: "There's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." Soon after, he nearly died - suspiciously – choking on a pretzel- evidence of something rather sinister, I think. But anyway, think of the good things Bush did for our country… I mean, during his time, the American people were never forced into sexual slavery all at once. Right? It could've been worse… by bringing our country to the ****-hole, we all have a greater appreciation for how great it used to be! I think Bush, in fact, loved this country more than almost all other Presidents, which would explain why he decided to destroy our constitution- so nobody would be able to steal it! Umm… think of how you are today compared to eight years ago… are you more aware of the legal and illegal ways a President can go to war? I bet you are. Wouldn't have happened without Bush. Now, sure, if you press me to name one Bush policy that ended up benefiting this country, I'll pretend to have a heart attack and lay on the ground until you go away. But if you press me to think of one good thing that's come of the Bush Presidency? Well, that's easy: Obama won. So now we get back to present day. Obama has been President for a little over 6 months now… and it is sweet. Sure, you might have some people complaining about various things Obama has done and hasn't done.. There are some things I'm not particularly happy about, truthfully. But all I have to do is think of the previous 8 years; a literal comedy of errors; only, if not for late-night comedians, it wouldn't have been remotely funny. So I think of that time, and then I look at the present situation… and I laugh. We are so much better off now, it's ridiculous. There are a few things that need to be addressed, though… like, this whole argument by a fringe group of staunch religious conservative whack-jobs that Obama wasn't actually born in the United States. They say that there is no birth certificate; when presented with one, they declare it's a fake. Sigh…. With these people, you could show them a birth certificate, a video of Obama's birth in a Hawaiian hospital, and the placenta, and they still would say it's doctored. It's just complete idiocracy. And then there are the people who are claiming that Obama is a socialist. HE'S NOT EVEN A LIBERAL! Jesus Christ… I mean, come on… like most democrats, he's got pretty much no backbone, and thus tries to sit squarely in the center, avoiding any plausible confrontation with either his party or the other one. I don't like this, but how could he be a socialist if he won't even stick to his party's agenda? Then again, he really can't be blamed.. Democrats have moved to the center, the center has moved to the right, and the Republicans, have moved into the insane asylum. I just wish Obama would stick to his guns, but that's a general problem with the Democrats, unfortunately. In any case, he's NO SOCIALIST! Then, there is the issue of the right-hypocrisy. Yes, yes, the party of the so-called, family values.' What a joke. Let's have an example, shall we? Take that hypothetical Alaskan bimbo I mentioned earlier, Sarah Palin. This chick's just full of hypocrisy.. take all her talk of being pro-life this and pro-life that, and how she wouldn't allow abortions even in the case of rape and incest… and then.. her daughter Bristol gets knocked up! Bahahahaha I love it. Then you see all the gay sex scandals.. and straight sex scandals, come to think of it, that erupt out of the right every few months. Recently, that senator from South Carolina, Mark Sanford, came back from a supposed trip to the Appalachians, which was actually a trip to Argentina, and confesses that he's been ******* his soul mate for a couple years now, after saying on a televised interview that he thought President Clinton should be impeached for violating family values. All-in-all, there have been more than 50 sex scandals since 2001 just out of the right.. and since they're so much more moral than all of us, we should let them off the hook, right? WRONG. If you're going to preach family values, than you cannot go and sneak off in the middle of the night and ******* people you aren't married to. Simple. How dare anyone point to President Clinton and say what a bad man he was, when that type of thing happens in the right all the time. Of course, there are a number of left-leaning scandals, but then, we never professed that we were the family-value party, did we? But back to the point: People were tired of the old **** and wanted something new. The beauty is, they got it. I'm sure there are more points I'd like to address, but I really can't remember all of them right now, and I think this has gotten to be a bit long.. soooo hope you liked it. Oh, and if you didn't, I don't care. =D
So I have decided to write another rant, and it has to do with the double standard. I'm not complaining about double standards in general, but more a specific one. Indeed, I couldn't be complaining about all double standards, because then this would be entirely hypocritical.
If you do not believe in evolution, don't come crying to science for medicine when you catch the swine flu, as the swine flu itself is a virus, which is direct, concrete evidence for evolution.
Just like all things on planet Earth, with the possible exception of the Republican National Committee, the swine flu, a more virulent form of the Influenza virus (H1N1), adapts and EVOLVES to fit whatever host it currently occupies, and to resist treatment and vaccine.This is UNDENIABLE, as it can be shown to you happening in REAL TIME on any petri dish.
So, if you reject evolution entirely, then you can't possibly believe in the swine flu, or any virus for that matter, for then you would be a hypocrite. You must instead believe that God created the swine flu to **** with Mexicans. Which, of course, makes total sense.
If viruses and the swine flu don't evolve to adapt to their surroundings, then how do you explain there not being any viable vaccines for it? The answer is simple: Every year, a new batch of vaccine must be created to combat the current EVOLVED form of the flu; there is no ONE vaccine to fight off the flu, since the flu constantly adapts to fight off the old vaccine, which it usually does. The flu year to year is never the same, because of mutation, or, again, evolution.
My point is, how about some CONSISTENCY? You simply can't reject science, ie evolution, for all of your life, and then the instant you get sick, you go to get a vaccine. If you think about it, VACCINES evolve to adapt to the current VIRUS.
So when you get vaccinated, you are injecting into your body something that EVOLVED. It's funny how some people can simply abandon their beliefs whenever it suits them, and then go back like nothing happened.
So here's what I think:
Leave the vaccines and the science to us sinners;
You can pray to Jesus that you will get well soon, since after all, it was God that created the virus-
He should be able to cure you without too much trouble.
To those of you out there who have decided that your young children are indispensable accessories, on par with "it" bags, freakishly large sunglasses, and i-pods, and therefore that these children should accompany you each and every minute of the goddamn day, WAKE THE **** UP! Your child is not this year's rat dog to be toted about for salespeople to coo over and cuddle while you sip a latte and shop the day away. Toddlers require almost constant supervision and structure in their lives. They need down-time, nap-time, story-time, not to mention kid-food-time and ****-time and most of this IS SIMPLY IMPOSSIBLE OR UNAVAILABLE in adult-centered places, like damn near every place you insist on dragging your screaming, over-stimulated, flailing children.
Who am I to dispense such observations? Am I a father, a social worker, a child psychologist? No, Iım the guy who has to listen to your child scream loud enough to break my glasses, who sees them smearing their hands on clothes at the store; the clothes I was just about to buy, I might add- and who has even stopped them from toddling into a restaurant kitchen when you were too busy lunching with your friends to watch them.
Do you have any idea the number of times your unsupervised snotty toddlers have wandered up to me in parks, coffee shops, and even in galleries looking for the attention and structure you are not giving them? If I were a black market baby broker, I would be rich.
Let me make this clear: I do not fault your children for seeking attention and stimulation; however, I DO FAULT YOU FOR HAVING THE UNMITIGATED GALL TO ASSUME THAT STRANGERS WILL FIND YOUR CHILDREN AMUSING AND WILL KEEP AN EYE ON THEM. Salesclerks, waiters, and those of us sans children ARE NOT YOUR FREE BABYSITTERS!
In the past I have tolerated your neglect and been kind towards your "free-range" toddlers because it is not their fault that their mothers are vain, self-absorbed idiots. And yes, I can appreciate that childcare is expensive, and yes, I understand that it is good for children to engage with the larger world, and yes, I can even understand that sometimes you really do need to do "something grown-up" or you will go crazy. But here is what else I understand: THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKE ALL THIS INTO ACCOUNT WHEN YOU DECIDED TO BREED.
Now, instead of being an adult and putting your childrenıs needs first, not to mention showing some respect for the rest of the world, you simply drag them everywhere you used to go, yakking into your cell the whole way that "being a parent hasn't really changed anything" for you. I concur. I can imagine that you were probably just as self-absorbed and inconsiderate before you had children. Doubtless when you see me leave the store, shop, or restaurant shortly after you and your agents-of-chaos children arrive, you will think me a self-centered bastard, which in this case simply means a guy who does not care to witness your rudeness and who is unwilling to be used as free daycare.
Oh, and by the way, next time I'm letting your kids wander into the restaurant kitchen.
24 Ways to Win a Girl's Heart!
1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.
3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things; they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words '**** you,' and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "…because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she's cold… but not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say, "If you don't stop ****ing about the cold right now, you're going to be ****ing about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.
15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No, she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts… and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.
21. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.
22. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
23. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but I think it's funny.
24. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will ensure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny!
This one goes out to all illegal immigrants everywhere!
Now, I just want to say first off that most of this will be about the Mexican illegal immigrants, because let's be honest people, you just don't see Canadians sneaking over, do you? And speaking of sneaking over, Mexicans don't even have to do that anymore! They can just literally walk over the border! What fences we have work, it's just that we don't have enough of them. And for the record, I don't care if people immigrate, it's just when they do it illegally I get pissed off. I understand that the economy of Mexico currently sucks, because I've seen how it is over there just in the past few weeks, and that the only way to feed your family is to come to America to get a job and make money and then send that money back over the border. But what is not helping your family is when you are caught trying to cross the border, and are deported every time. Then you try again. Seriously people, it is not that hard to get dual citizenship, or even a green-card. I have dual citizenship with Russia, meaning the laws of both countries apply to me. I can live in both and work in both. From what I understand, it takes less time to acquire a green-card then it does to cross the border illegally. I hate it when Americans say that Mexicans are taking our jobs, when immigrants will do absolutely everything for money. That includes everything that we don't want to do. They help our economy, or at least they would hurt ours if they all left. I think that all illegal immigrants in our country should not leave, but become legal by at least getting green-cards. There should be commercials in Mexico telling the public about it, so they at least know they have options. Another thing, a few months ago, when illegal and legal Mexicans were protesting that Americans weren't respecting Mexican's rights to immigrate, and that Americans should grant all immigrants the rights of every American citizen. Ummm, duh! YOU AREN'T AMERICAN! You don't get any rights as an illegal immigrant, that's why it's called illegal! And when you walk around holding a Mexican flag, saying you love America, what does that tell us? It tells us that you want America to be the new Mexico. Well, tough **** TOUGH ****, TOUGH****, TOUGH****, TOUGH****, TOUGH****! OK?
This rant goes out to all fat people everywhere:
I am sick and ******* tired of fat people blaming fast-food restaurants for the fact that they're fat. You shouldn't be allowed to sue fast-food chains either. You know what's going to happen to your ass if you eat that ****! Food doesn't have to come with a warning label that says, "MAY CAUSE ASS TO SPREAD". Usually when you ask why a fat person is fat they will answer either, "It's McDonald's fault." or "I don't know how I got fat!" Sigh... OK, first off, McDonald's didn't make you go there every ******* day for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert, then super size everything, and then get triple of everything you just got! McDonald's didn't make you feed your fat ass kids there either. In fact, McDonald's and other fast food chains around the country were created for the single purpose of feeding people who were on the go. NOT people who were too lazy or cheap to make their family food or get in a car and drive to a nice sit-down restaurant. Secondly, how the **** can you not know how you got fat? You were there when it happened you retard It's really sad. Another thing, I get really pissed off when fat people park in handicapped spaces. Those spaces are reserved for the people who are disabled, not walruses. If anything, fat people should have to park in the back of the parking lot, so they can waddle a few hundred feet and get the most exercise they get in a year. You know, fat people have the strongest jaw muscles of the human population! Guess why? Because they sit on their fat asses on their dirty couches eating chips all day, that's why! Doesn't it scare you when you're on an elevator, and the doors open and in walks in this 300 something pound person? Your standing there, looking for the maximum occupancy sign, knowing you have only seconds. You find it, and see that a max. of 13 people are allowed on at any time. There are only nine people on board, but this person could easily equal 4 of them put together! You look around you, and scream at the fat ass to stop while you get everyone's weight. You know that this is a life and death matter, so you try not to lose control. You were never any good at math, so it takes a minute for you to add up all the people. By then, the fat ass gets fed up and shoves his way in. You hear ominous creaking sounds. Underneath the Max. Occupancy sign, it says the Max. Weight is 1,400 pounds. You realize in horror too late that the fat ass exceeds that weight by 145 pounds! You try to get off, but fat ass is in your way. Your doomed! Some nice guy who's closer to the door decides to get off, so the weight is now equal. Your saved, but you can still hear the dreadful sounds coming from overhead as you make your way up. Actually, I think that was a bad dream I once had, but it could happen to anyone. God damn it, if fat people gave 1/10 of the **** they ate every day, they could feed a small village in Africa for an entire year! That's what pisses me off. Until a few weeks back, I didn't know what the term "ass-backward" meant, and it makes me pity fat people all the more, but I've discovered the truth. "Ass-backward" people are people who are so fat that it appears that their ass has actually switched positions so that it's on their front. Believe me, it was quite disgusting. And don't give me the excuse that you can't exercise because it makes you tired. It makes you tired because your fat, and you're fat because you didn't exercise in the first place. Fat people who use this excuse are usually the ones you see in the mall or grocery store riding on the motorized shopping carts, because they are too fat to walk. S-A-D sad. What's really sad is that I could probably use the fat on some of these people to supply the warming needs of the whole planet. To round off this rant, I would like to let you in on my patent-pending rating system for people. Here it goes:
and last but not least, the people that make you go this when you see them,