All About EarthThatWas
Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that as of today, I am officially part of the internet community. For the first time in my entire online career, I have been called a douche. For those of you in the know, I'm sure you realize what a huge honor this is. A rite of passage, if you will. Yes indeedy: I have arrived.
I woke to find this little gem in my comments section:
"How can you say taco bell isn't food you douche, if you can eat than digest it then it food dumbass"
The funny thing is, I actually kind of like Taco Bell.
I would just like to thank everyone who made this possible.
I always feel bad after mocking people. Seriously. There's this side of me that finds it irresistibly funny, but then there's this side of me that feels bad after. I wonder what that says about me. Does that make me Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail?" And how do I know enough about that movie to make that reference? Anyway, here's how I really feel about the folks I mocked in my editorial.
Uwe Boll: I honestly don't care one way or the other what this guy does. So he makes crappy movies. So what? I'm in no position to mock him for his choices as I currently own both "Mystery Men" and "UHF" on DVD. Who's the real villain now?
Jack Thompson: I actually kind of get where this guy is coming from. I can understand being frustrated at the way things work from time to time, and wanting to find something to blame for school shootings or officers killed in the line of duty. I get that. Sometimes you just really want life to be better than it is, and sometimes you need a target to vent your frustrations on. Sounds a little like why we play video games, doesn't it?
However, I do not agree with his methods. I honestly can't tell if he was genuinely concerned about the state of affairs in America, or if he just wanted attention. Treating the people that you are allegedly trying to help with utter disdain is not a good way to get your message heard. I have zero hatred in my heart for the man, and in truth I'm a little sad that he didn't come to his senses mid-implosion and use his fame to actually create something positive.
Bobby Kotick: If the internet is to be believed (and it isn't.....not ever) Bobby is the anti-gamer, who's coming was foretold in the Great Gazoo's "Manifesto and Guide to Practical Mayhem." He hates everyone and everything and wants to make sure that no one ever smiles about anything ever again. Not even kitten farts. WTF?
In all seriousness though, if I'm going to believe everything I read about him, then I might as well give this article some serious thought while I'm at it.
Kind of puts a different spin on the man, doesn't it? Now, I can't say for sure that it's not just total BS. Perhaps all it is is spin; damage control to get the masses of gamers to stop mailing him chicken genitalia and memes of Snookie. What I can say is this:
While I think a lot of his ideas are a little odd, I don't really have to pay attention to him, do I? As long as Activision doesn't do anything absolutley insane and start charging on a "per button press" basis, I'm perfectly content to just leave him be.
RROD: $%^& that guy. Seriously.
The All Time Greatest Villain competition has been interesting to say the least. I suppose that each of us who chose to take part in the process has had our fair share of ups and downs, victories and defeats. Some of you found the choices baffling, others didn't mind all that much. Some of you are just having fun, and others are out for blood. But no matter where you fall in terms of how you view this contest, you all need to realize something:
This contest is in no way fair.
There I said it. It's bunkum, hooey. For a contest about totally fictional characters that inhabit imaginary worlds, there is a surprising lack of credibility to be found. And no, I'm not talking about Joker and Vader being included as options.
What I am talking about here is omissions. Four villains have been left off of this list that should have been there from the start, and their absence completely destroys the validity of the contest. Why? Simple.
The four villains that have been left out would have completely and utterly destroyed anyone or anything they came up against. They are the baddest of the bad, the worst of the worst. Leaving them out is like trying to decide which is the worst sandwich on the face of the planet and refusing to account for the McRibb.
And so, I give you what the final four should have looked like if there were any justice in the universe. Good luck deciding. You're gonna need it.
Why He's Evil: Has unleashed a slew of movies "based" upon video games upon the world. "Based" is in quotes because calling his movies faithful to their source material is like calling Taco Bell "food." Calling them "good" is like punching yourself in the crotch and calling it "progress."
Why He's Evil: Led a crusade against violent video games. Convinced that violent games are simply training sims for sociopaths. Told his mom that he'd come by for dinner one night and totally didn't show up or call or anything.
I'm at a loss for who would win this fight. Moving on to our other combatants:
Supreme Overlord of Activision
Why He's Evil: Wants to take the fun out of making video games. Also, I hear he made a Cancer Gun in his basement. I have no idea what that means but it scares the hell out of me.
Former busboy at Denny's
Why He's Evil: Making children (and adults) cry on Christmas morning. Or Mid-June. Or whatever. Hates America. When asked why he does what he does by a six year old, he made that motion with his hands where you pretend like your turning a crank until your middle finger is extended.
And there you have it: four glaring omissions that would have turned this contest on it's head. Ah well. Maybe next year.
Please note, this was supposed to be funny. I don't really consider any of these guys evil, just misguided and possibly eaters of puppies. But not evil. Thanks for reading.
Update: Thanks to bardos-the-3rd for pointing out that I didn't include info on who these guys are. Also, if you're interested in seeing how I really feel about these guys, check out my latest installment. The truth as I see it, so there
And thanks for all of the comments. Seriously. Funny stuff.
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