• 20Aug 08

  I wonder if I'll ever get tired of doing this stupid crap...

  I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I breathed a deep sigh of relief, realizing that the terror I had just witnessed was nothing more than a nightmare. I turned in my bed trying to find a comfortable position but to no avail, so I decided I'd get myself a glass of water. As I entered the kitchen something immediately felt somewhat peculiar. I turned on the lights to illuminate the room and I realized that there was a large hole in my wall where the dishwasher once stood. For a moment I stood in shock, unsure how to approach the bizarre situation. I decided to investigate further and kneeled in front of the hole, peering down to its dark interior to the my lawn outside. It looked almost as though something had broken through the wall, and for a brief moment I thought that perhaps this was the work of a bear before remembering that whatever it was had also taken the dishwasher. At last I decided I should simply call the police. I picked up the phone and was about to dial when I heard what sounded like a vicious growl.

  It seemed to be emanating from the hole, and I felt my heart beat start to increase as fear spread throughout my mind. I put down the phone and began walking slowly towards the hole once more. I got down on my knees, took a deep breath, and stuck my head inside. All I saw was my lawn, and I began to calm down. Then, quite suddenly, something flashed before my eyes from outside. I backed up as fast as I could, the momentum causing me to hit my head on the floor of my kitchen. I picked my aching head off the floor and looked back out the hole to see the enormous head of a tyrannosaurus rex looking back at me with hungry eyes. My mind was numb with fear. The t-rex gave an earth shattering roar and I snapped out of it momentary stupor. I stood and ran to my bedroom as fast my legs could carry me. I burst through the door and closed it behind me, breathing a deep sigh of relief. My relief was short lived however, as I heard a growl once more, this one quieter and even more vicious than the one from the t-rex. My hand heavily shook as I reached for the light switch.

  The room was suddenly covered in yellow light and my heart skipped a beat as I saw two velociraptors standing on my bed. They turned towards the light, looking rather confused. Their attention was then focused on me, and leered hungrily at the meal that had just arrived. One of the raptors leaned forward, preparing to pounce. As fast as I could I opened the door and spilled out into the hallway. Before I could even close the door, it was slammed in my face as the raptor hit the door, its claws sinking all the way through the wood and squirming menacingly at me. I ran back towards my kitchen, only to find it almost completely destroyed. Two of the three walls had been demolished, and the t-rex stood there, a chunk of drywall in his mouth. Behind me I heard a loud cracking sound, and I turned to see that the raptors had shredded the door, and were now standing in the hallway. I closed my eyes in a moment of silent prayer before sprinting directly towards the t-rex. The t-rex leaded towards me, opening his massive jaws. His head swung towards me, and at the last moment I duck and slide under his mouth, just as his jaws snapped shut with a mightly thud. I picked myself up as fast as I could and flung open the door to the garage, grabbing my keys before shutting the door behind me.

  My hands were shaking violently, and I struggled to get the key in the ignition. Finally I felt the key slide inside, and I turned it, put the car in reverse, and backed out of my garage at nearly forty miles per hour. I put the car in drive and started to head down the quiet suburban road. I checked my rearview mirror and saw the road behind me was void of any dinosaurs whatsoever. I breathed a deep sigh of relief, and looked ahead of me once more only to slam violently on the brakes. The t-rex had somehow gotten in front of me and was waiting for me at the exit of my street. I turned the car around, knocking over a neighbor's mailbox in my haste. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw the t-rex running after me, giving off a great roar.

  I turned knowingly into a circle street. Predictably the t-rex followed with no hesitation. I drove around the circle, the t-rex unable to keep up tripped over himself and fell. I felt the earth shake as I drove out of the street. I continued to drive for a good twenty minutes before I parked the car beside a small park. I closed my eyes, trying to decide what to do next. "Enjoying your prize?" said a voice, and I nearly jumped out of my seat. I turned on the overhead light and looked at my passenger seat to see Steven Spielberg sitting beside me. "Wha-… what?" I said, barley able to form words in my surprise. "Your prize. You know, the dinosaurs." I stared at Steven with a blank stare, my brain working desperately to comprehend the situation. "Wait… these dinosuars… you know about them?"

  "Know about them?" asked Steven, giving me a confused look. "I told you, they're your prize. You won the contest!" I shook my head slightly in bewilderment. "What contest?" I asked. Steven furrowed his brow a little. "The 'Lost World' contest. You know? The one that promised an "authentic Jurassic Park experience". " I suddenly remembered what he was referring too. "That contest? That was over ten years ago, I was seven!" I practically shouted. "Well" Steven said defensively, "I guess you don't want the prize then."

  "The prize?" I said in anger. "You call this a prize? I was nearly ****ing killed you lunatic! How the hell did you even get dinosaurs anyway, they're extict!?"

  "Well, these are the ones we used for the original film. You didn't think we actually used computers did you?" I rubbed my forward in exasperation. "You mean to tell me" I said, trying to control my anger, "that you actually cloned dinosaurs to make Jurassic Park?" Steven smiled at me. "Well of course" he answered, "that's how Hollywood works. You didn't think the actors in Star Wars were just standing in front of a blue screen did you?" I sighed heavily. "Alright, fine, lets just forget the fact that you tried to kill me with prehistoric beasts for a moment. How exactly are you going to stop them?" Steven opened his mouth to answer, and but instead gave a confused look. "Huh… I never thought of that." I had just had enough at that point. I got out of my car. "Where are you going?" asked Steven. "Away from you" I answered angrily. "Oh come on, I'm sorry, okay? I thought you'd enjoy it, it's just like the movie!" I turned to him. "Yeah, just like the movies. Have you ever watched those movies?" Steven laughed. "Of course not, I have men to do that for me." I stared at him for a moment with a blank stare before turning. The t-rex roared in the distance. It sounded like it was getting closer. "Uh-oh, that doesn't sound good" said Steven. It was then that I saw a soft glow coming from the playground. I ran towards it. It was a laptop with a satellite Internet connection! So, I logged onto Gamespot to ask for help. What should I do? Please help!

  • Posted Aug 20, 2008 5:19 pm GMT
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• 1Jun 08

  So, I just came back from a two week suspension...

  Well, I received a two week suspension. It was that thread about the topic creators girlfriend driving away with the gas nozzle still in the car. I responded by saying "That's why women shouldn't be able to drive", and got a two-week suspension for it. Well, I admit I was a little angry because I thought it was clear that I was joking, and even if I wasn't two weeks was a little harsh. I kept in mind, however, that this is Gamespot, so I decided to not let it get to me. So, for the two Gamespotless weeks, I came to the conclusion that I needed a long vacation from the internetz. I called up my friend David and asked him if he wanted to go to San Francisco for two weeks. Yes, it was short notice, but my friend's an alcoholic and addicted to cocaine laced with PCP laced with Acid, laced with Mrs. Dash, so he usually doesn't really comprehend where he is anyway. He asked me if I could pick him up, and without truly thinking about the question I said sure, but as I hung up the phone I realized my mistake. I hadn't driven in two years. The internetz had consumed my life, like most people who post here. I had parked my car out on the street in March of 2006, and for all I knew, it had been stolen by now. Never the less, I decided to try. I grabbed my keys, and blowing the dust off of them, I opened my front door. That was my second mistake.

  A sudden blast of light hit me and began to burn my skin. I screamed in agony and a few people taking walks down the street stopped to stare with fearful curiosity. My knees buckled and I was nearly forced to the ground by the sheer power of the light. I squinted through the light and managed to see an elderly woman looking at me as though I was about to steal her purse. The heat of the sun made my mind hurt, and suddenly the elderly woman looked as though she was a another player over Live… I could even see her gamertag. I reached my hand towards her, seeking help, and she withdrew slightly in fear. "Please! Call for help! The sun… it's using some sort of… horrible ray of death!" The women, rather than offering any help, turned and ran as fast as a women of her age could run. "Damn you!" I shouted after her, shaking my first in anger. After awhile of struggling, I finally managed to get to my feet. The burning seemed to be subsiding, though I could still feel the melanoma sinking into my skin, and I knew I must find shade before it was too late. I managed to locate my car in the blinding assault of the sun, and ran towards it, as fast as I could. I nearly hit the door in my blind haste, and fumbled with the keys until I finally managed to open the door. I crawled inside, ignoring the fact it felt like an oven inside. I closed the door behind me, and breathed a sigh of relief. I had escaped the evil sun… for now. I stumbled over to the driver's seat, and put the keys in the ignition. I closed my eyes and turned the keys. To my surprise, the car started almost instantly. I saw that I had half a tank of gas remaining, the perfect amount to get to San Francisco. I smiled that things were finally going my way. I put on my World of Warcraft player strength sunglasses, and set off for my friend's house. I arrived in about five minutes, and honked my horn. David came stumbling out, looking as though he had slept in the cloths he was now in. He managed to open the door and get into the passenger seat. "Hey man, how's it going?" he asked. I stared at him in anger. "You're whacked out on meth, crack, and heroin again aren't you?" He gave me a rather blank stare. "No man, you'd know I'd never do meth. Now let's go." I continued to look at him for awhile before driving down the street and turning onto the highway.

  After a few hours of driving, we came to the bay area. We could see San Francisco in the distance, and pulled onto the Bay Bridge. "Tollbooth up ahead" David said without moving his gaze from the side window. "Crap… how much gold is it?" I asked him. He turned away from the window to give me a penetrating stare. "For God's sake man, I keep telling you. Your video games aren't real, okay? We use dollars in this particular reality." My mind suddenly snapped back to its senses. "Oh… right, of course, how many dollars is it?" My friend continued staring at me before answering, "five." He then turned back to look out the window, "and you say I have the problem" he grumbled. I ignored him, and pulled up to the tollbooth. I rolled down my window and the man stationed there addressed me. "Six dollars" he said in a dull tone. "Six? I thought it was five." The man rolled his eyes impatiently and responded in the same dull tone, "we raised it to six. Now please sir, six dollars." I turned to David, "you got a dollar?" I asked. He simply smiled at me, knowing all to well I knew he didn't. I turned back to the man at the tollbooth. "Uh" I said, "it looks like we don't have enough money." The man, not changing his tone one bit, said "please pull over to the right and wait for one of our service men to assist you." I looked to where he described and pulled into it. I turned to David, "why the hell can't you at least carry one dollar on you?" David smiled once more, "you know why. If you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose." I laughed derisively at David' warped wisdom. I suddenly heard a tap on the window and saw a tollbooth guy standing there, although I could tell he was a higher rank than the man I had spoken with earlier. He had a white stripe across his uniform, and his name on his nametag, that read Dan Stevens, was red instead of the blue. I rolled down the window. "Good evening sir, my name is Dan. I understand that you don't have enough money to pay the toll?" "That's right sir" I answered, rather nervously. He pulled out a piece of paper and read over it. "Sir" he continued "have you been drinking tonight?" For moment I was so surprised I didn't answer. "Um, no, I haven't." Dan continued looking at his paper. "Have you ingested any illegal substances?" I was starting to get angry. "No, damnit, I'm completely sober! What does that have to do with the toll?" The man looked up from his paper. "Sir, could you take off your sunglasses for me?" I put my hands up to my glasses defensively. "Sir, please, if you don't remove them I will have reason to believe you are on the dope and a danger to be behind the wheel. I will then have to call the authorities." I decided there was no use in arguing. I took off my sunglasses, and then dropped them to the floor in shock.

  The bright California sun hit me like a truck. I heard David calling my name, but it sounded like a distant echo. I looked out the window again and saw Dan, only it wasn't Dan. I suddenly realized why he was picking on us… Dan was an orc from the Horde! I saw that his name was in red, so he was in PVP… I knew this was my chance. I fumbled around on the dashboard and found a pen. As quickly as I could, I dug it into Dan the orc's neck. Blood splattered all over my face and car, which I thought was strange since this was a T rated game. I looked down at the ground and saw my sunglasses were still on the floor, but before I could pick them up, I felt something hit my face. I looked to my right and saw that Dan had slapped me across the face. He was dressed in paladin attire, which I found odd since usually he played as a druid. I heard him ask if I was insane, and then screamed that I just killed that guy. "He was an orc" I reassured him "I took care of him, but we better get out of here before he gets back from the graveyard." David looked at me with a mixture of fear and anger. "You damn idiot, this isn't a video game, the police are coming!" I looked behind me, and sure enough, the police were closing in. Judging from the amount, I estimated that I had about a two star wanted level. "It's alright" I said to David "we can lose them in San Ferrero!" I heard David swear angrily at me for some reason, and I sped off into the city.

  I made a sharp turn, and headed for Fisherman's Wharf. The police were still right behind me. I decided I needed to get out and steal something fast, so I stopped next to a corvette. I got out of the car. "What the hell are you doing?" David asked in shock. I ignored him, knowing time was vital. I walked over to the corvette, looked around, and hit the window with my hand. To my surprise, the window didn't break. The police pulled up all around us. They got out of their cars and pointed their guns towards David and I. I tried cycling through my weapons but found none… I realized I had forgotten to stop by Ammunation. I was about to get back in the car so they could arrest me when I saw David running up towards me, my sunglasses in his hand. "You ****ing idiot" he said as he slide the glasses over my eyes. The world suddenly came into focus, and my mind snapped back into reality. "Oh ****" I said, as David glared at me. I took a deep breath and stepped forward, putting my hands in the air. "Okay policemen… there has been a terrible misunderstanding." The policemen however didn't put their weapons down. "Sir, get down on the ground, you're wanted for attempted murder!" I decided there was no use, and turned to David, but to my horror, he was gone. I looked down the street and saw he had started running without me. I angrily followed suit, and bullets started to whiz by my head. I followed David through a couple of ally ways before finally coming to a fairly empty street. It looked as though we had lost them. I started walking as casually as I could across the street when I felt a sudden thud on my side, and was instantly knocked to the ground. It felt as though my pelvis had been shattered, and I knew I could no longer run from the police. I looked up to a see a young blonde girl in a car. She had hit me while talking on her cell phone and drinking her Starbucks. She stared at me with fear before backing up and fleeing the scene. David yelled angrily after her before leaning by my side. Together we waited for the police to come and arrest us. As it turns out however, attempted murder is a misdemeanor in San Francisco, so I was let out in two weeks.

  So what did I learn in my two week suspension? Women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

  • Posted Jun 1, 2008 7:23 pm GMT
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• 31May 08

  So, the army is trying to kill me...

  Well, it all started this morning. My friend (Alex) and I drove to school like any other day. We were walking along outside the cafeteria. It was a cloudy day, not very warm, and a slight wind made it even chillier so I wore a sweater. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a green splotch. I turned to see it was a banner promoting the marines. The army had set up a booth to recruit people at my school. Normally, my friend and I would have no problem with that, however, their booth happened to be placed where we usually sit before school starts. "God damn army" Alex said angrily. "Let's just find another place to sit" I suggested. Alex, however, was already walking toward the booth, and judging from the way he moved, I knew he was about to do something stupid. Alex is a little hot headed.

  Alex walked up to the booth and stood before one of the marines there as the other was busy with different student. "Good morning" said the marine with a slight smile. "Morning" said Alex, in a rather patronizing tone. "How can I help you?" asked the marine. "Well" said Alex, taking a fountain pen that was laying in front of the marine, clearly belonging to him. "I was just wondering if you guys could move your booth." The marine looked rather puzzled. "I'm sorry, you want us to move our booth?" he asked. "Yes, you see, this very spot just happens to be where me and my friend sit every day, so we would really appreciate it if you could move." The marine's smile was now completely gone. "Uh, I'm really sorry, but it took as about twenty minutes to set this up, if we move now by the time we finish all the students will be in ****""Well" Alex continued, still holding the marine's pen, "they'll be out here again at lunch, won't they?" The marine was clearly starting to get angry. "Son, we are not going to move our entire booth just so you and your friend can sit here!" Alex leaned forward. "Well, **** off then!" He then turned to address me. "Let's go". We turned and left. I noticed that Alex was still holding the marine's pen, and I closed my eyes, knowing was about to happen. Sure enough, we heard an angry yell from behind. "Hey, my pen!" Alex kept walking as though he heard nothing, and I followed suit. I heard running footsteps behind us, and was suddenly pushed aside as the marine grabbed hold of Alex. "Where the hell is my pen!?" the marine yelled. "I have no idea what you're talking about" Alex answered smugly. The marine stared at him with glaring eyes. In a sudden motion, his hand reached in his side, and he pulled out his pistol, cocked it, and pointed it at Alex's face. "I will ask you again" the marine said, shaking with rage. "Where the **** is my pen?" Alex said nothing, staring at the gun in fear. "For God's sake Alex, give him the pen!" I yelled in horror. "Better listen to your friend" the marine insisted. Alex's look of fear turned to defiance. "I'm afraid I still have no idea what you're talking about." The marine's eyes cut through my friend with utter hatred. "So be it" he said, and steadied his pistol, ready to fire.

  Without thinking, I tackled the marine in the legs. He fell to the ground, but wasn't down long. He quickly got to his feet and punched me right on the nose. I heard it break, and could feel the tip touch my cheek. Blood was rushing out of it by the time I hit the ground. The marine reached for the pistol, but Alex beat him to it. He grabbed the gun and pointed it at the marine, who reluctantly put his hands up. "Alright, I'm glad you've calmed down" said Alex, helping me to my feet while keeping the gun pointed at the marine. "Now, me and my friend are gonna walk away with your pen. Since you wanna put a booth in our spot, I get to keep your pen." The marine stared at us for a moment before bursting into laughter. "You idiots. Don't you realize what you've done? You've attacked and threatened a U.S. marine, but above all, you've stolen a pen belong to the a U.S. official. You're wanted men, now." I looked at Alex and saw the look of horrified realization on his face. Just awhile ago we saw a show on the history channel about a man during Vietnam who stole his superior officer's pen and soon after was fed to tigers. The marine turned his head. "Ah, here comes my friend now." The other marine who was at the booth, a female of about twenty-five, came over with a look of angry confusion. "What the hell is going on here?" The marine put down his arms, and answered "these guys stole my pen, then beat me up." The female marine looked from the male marine, to us. "You bastards" she said, and drew her own side arm. I could tell from the way she reached for it, she wasn't going to wait to use it. I grabbed Alex, turned, and ran.

  I heard shots being fired, and felt bullets whizzing by my head. I suddenly felt a punch in my arm, followed by a white hot pain. We continued running until we finally reached my car. I threw Alex the keys, "drive" I said "I've been shot". Alex, without question, got in and started the car. I crawled into the passenger seat, and Alex pulled out of the parking lot and started speeding away. I examined my arm. I' been shot just above my elbow. I took off my sweater and wrapped it around my arm. I then turned to Alex, who seemed to know what was coming. "You ****ing idiot... you ****ing idiot! Why didn't you just give him the damn pen back?" Alex continued driving calmly. "They took our spot... it's a matter of principals." I stared at Alex in disbelief. "Principals? What ****ing principals? You stole his damn pen!" "Yeah" said Alex "and maybe someday you'll understand why." I rolled my eyes and fell back into my seat. "Where are we going?" I asked, figuring there was no point in continuing the argument. "My house... we should be safe there, for the time being at least." We continued driving for awhile, and eventually pulled up in front of Alex's house. To our horror however, we saw tanks and army jeeps all around the house, and soldiers searching the area. A man in a black suit and a bowler's cap was questioning Alex's mother outside. "****" said Alex. He drove past his house as nonchalantly as he could. "Well" said Alex, "we're ****ed."

  Alex continued driving, thinking no one had noticed. However, an army jeep suddenly pulled up behind us. "Oh ****, do you think they saw us?" I asked. Alex didn't answer, but stared nervously in the rear-view mirror. It seemed the soldiers inside of the jeep were trying to determine who we were. I saw a flash of black metal in the mirror, and before I could react, shards of glass were flying all around our car's interior. Bullets bounced off the sides of the car, and the seats were torn and shredded in the storm of lead raining down upon us. Alex and I ducked as low as we could go. We came up to an intersection. "Turn here!" I shouted. Alex obliged, and swerved right at the intersection. The hell fire stopped as we had turned too suddenly for the jeep to react and it continued down the street. I heard screeching tires and knew the jeep would soon be on us again. "Turn again!" I yelled to Alex. "Where?" he asked in a panic. "Who gives a ****?" I answered "just lose them!" Alex made several turns, navigating through the suburbs. Soon we came to a small hill with a creek flowing down it. Up on top there was a large tunnel where the water came out. "Think we could hide up there?" asked Alex, as I got out of the car. "I don't think we could hide if we moved to Panama at this point, but it's worth a shot." We started climbing the hill, and as we reached the tunnel I heard screeching tires once more. I looked down and saw that the jeep had caught up with us. "Quick, get in!" I told Alex, as bullets began hitting the concrete of the tunnel. Alex crawled in, and I followed. We stood in the dark tunnel, staring into it's blackness. "Well, I guess we should continue down that way" Alex suggested, but just as we started moving, we heard a pistol being cocked behind us. "Not so fast" said a voice. We turned, and saw non other than the marine who's pen was now in Alex's pocket. "Well boys, looks like this is the end of the line" he said, smiling rather malevolently. "Why do you care so much about a stupid pen?" I asked. "It's the principle of the thing!" the marine answered angrily, "now give it up or I'll shoot!" Alex reached into his pocket, and got the pen. "Okay... you win. Here it is." The marine reached for the pen, but suddenly, Alex squirted ink into the marine's eyes. He shouted in pain, and Alex quickly grabbed the gun, and pointed it to the marine's head.

  "Go ahead" said the marine, "do it! Do it, you've got nothing to loose, you're already wanted for theft of a U.S. officials pen." "Don't do it" I pleaded. Alex looked conflicted, but I saw the muscles in his arm relax, and I knew he wouldn't shoot the marine. Just then, two more marines entered the tunnel, carrying M4's. "He's got a gun pointed at Charlie, take him out!" they yelled. "No!" I screamed, but it was too late. I felt warm blood slash against my face, forcing my eyes to close. The sound of gunfire echoed throughout the tunnel, and soon all I could hear was a loud ringing in my ears. I opened my eyes slowly, knowing all to well what I would find. Sure enough, Alex lay there, filled with holes. Blood was seeping out from all over his body, meeting with the water and flowing down the creek. "No" I whispered quietly. The marine next to me, Charlie, suddenly pointed towards me. "This is his friend, he helped him steal the pen!" Charlie shouted. The marines raised their weapons. I turned, and ran down the tunnel in a zig-zag pattern, bullets dancing around my feet. Soon I came to a shaft in the ceiling. I quickly took off the cover and crawled inside before replacing it. I watched the marines run by, thinking I had continued down the tunnel. I turned in the shaft and saw a soft glow in the distance. Curious, I crawled towards it. I suddenly came close enough to realize it was a laptop plugged into the wall with an ethernet cable. I thanked God for my luck and quickly logged onto Gamespot to ask for help.

  So, what should I do guys? Please help!

  • Posted May 31, 2008 7:55 pm GMT
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