CAUTION: Though this entry does not violate the Gamespot Terms of Service in any way - I checked thoroughly - it does contain mature subject matter, including descriptions of surgery, and awkward references to the delicate male region affectionately referred to by some as the wedding tackle. Any member or moderator taking issue with this entry is encouraged to contact me by private message with their concerns, though I hope many people will learn a bit more about what to expect from my own experience (maybe you will even laugh a bit at my misery along the way).

The safest and most effective form of contraception is surgical sterilization because when you think about it, abstinence is not really an option for any sane person. When my wife had a near-fatal eclamptic seizure before delivering our triplets, we knew we were done having kids. The discussion was not, "What should we do," it was "When should we - meaning yours truly - go under the knife?" The female equivalent of a vasectomy, tubal ligation, is a more expensive, invasive, and risky surgery. A vasectomy, by contrast, is relatively safe, has a short recovery period, a high success rate, and is an outpatient procedure. The burden fell to the author to go under the knife.

Multiple Vasectomies
You may not be aware, but there are two types of vasectomies: traditional and non-scalpel. It escapes me why anyone would get excited over the former when even the title of the latter is so much sexier. "Non-scalpel" sold me on the procedure, and really, this is all about sex after all. Oh, and preventing more triplets and seizures and stuff.

A traditional vasectomy involves a vertical, bifurcating cut that allows the surgeon to splay the region, while a non-scalpel involves only a small hole poked in the area. The result is the same, a section of the vas deferens is removed to prevent sperm from reaching their destination, but the non-scalpel procedure requires a more practiced hand. It is more difficult to find a urologist that practices the non-scalpel version of a vasectomy, but otherwise everything about it is superior: shorter recovery time, less scarring, equal success rate, and a shorter procedure (no jokes about that last bit). Eventually everyone will be performing the non-scalpel version, one would think.

Doctor Selection
Dr. Boz has a PhD, so she screened for competent Urologists in the Boston area. Granted, it is a relatively easy task to find qualified medical care in the Boston area, but she narrowed it down to two doctors, one male and one female.

Dr. Boz asked, "Which one?"

"The woman," I immediately replied.

"What? Why? She has less experience, and she's much younger."

"She's a woman." It was more comfortable, at least for this individual, to have a woman poking and prodding in my nether region than a man. She was more than qualified, and in retrospect it was the right decision for me, though the result probably would have been the same with either urologist.

The Consult
There is a pre-screening interview where the patient must justify their decision to the urologist. "So, why are you interested in a vasectomy?" the doctor asked.

"My wife just delivered healthy triplets following an eclamptic seizure that might have killed both her and the children, or worse, killed her and left me with the kids!" We laughed, there was no follow-up question of whether or not I was sure. I reflected on the fact that the woman that would be sterilizing me was actually pretty good looking, which of course made me suspicious. A hot urologist whose specialty is vasectomies, among other things? Something about that just seemed a bit odd.

The nurse and urologist conduct a basic examination followed by a closer inspection of my equipment. "You have a Stage 3 testicular vericule, no question." With one quick look at my privates she diagnosed a minor issue that had been causing random, sharp pains in my testicles for about fifteen years. "It's like varicose veins, where the blood can get backed up into the vein. Most of the time you'll notice nothing, but sometimes it can cause sharp pains, particularly if you have been on your feet all day or straining yourself."

I was floored to hear a diagnosis of something so quickly that had plagued me for so long. In the end, though, the recovery time for treating the vericule was too long for someone with newborn triplets, particularly since it is not a life-threatening condition and - for the most part - unnoticable the majority of the time. Still, nice of her to point it out.

"When we do this, can you make it a little bigger, too?"

"Sorry, no." It was clear it had not been the first time she had heard the joke. Maybe I would think of a better joke later concerning her silver pin, which was in the shape of a sperm. Right, and maybe she had never heard a joke about that one, either.

The Surgery
It is a well-known fact that any 15 minute surgery still takes all morning. I checked in at 7:00AM sharp, stripped off and put on the requisite gowns and handed over my personal effects. I imagine it is similar to the procedure for checking into prison. By the time I had finished waiting to be called for pre-op, taken into pre-op, changed, and waiting to be wheeled in, it was 9:00AM. I then waited on a gurney outside the doors of the operating room, where the fun stuff happens.

Dozens of people shuffled along the hallway, walking by me on their way to scrub or consult. My verdict: Surgeons smile a lot. I would too if I was cutting rather than being cut.

They inserted an IV tube while I was in the hallway, then recommended that I was placed under sedation during the procedure. "I was under the impression it would be a local anesthetic," I asked.

"We would prefer to put you under." It was not what had been discussed at the consultation.

"I would like to speak with the doctor." When she arrived and we spoke, she endorsed the recommendation. It would be easier, she said, to put me under. I would be as relaxed as possible, making it easier to operate on that particular region. The type of anesthesia being used would be "light," I was assured, and so I agreed.

The mixture was added to the IV, I was wheeled into the OR (operating room, in case you lack for a television), and then everything faded to black. The rest of the day is a bit fuzzy, but I recall riding home with my wife in the minivan, who decided it would be fun to hit every single pothole and bump on the road. "You did that intentionally!" was shouted more than once.

The Recovery
The hospital put my dangly bits into a jock strap-like device filled with gauze. While I was told there might be quite a bit of bleeding, I was still shocked at how much blood there was soaked into the gauze by the next day. It is impossible to describe in any more detail without becoming offensive, but suffice to say, the gauze needed to be replaced in a day, the jock strap by day two.

Anyone that tells you a vasectomy is relatively painless or that you will be back on your feet the next day is a liar. I moved quite gingerly for the entire four day weekend I had scheduled to recover, and was still a bit tender the next two or three days returned to work. I sent my wife to pick out some briefs for support, having only boxers in my couture. Be assured that support - and ice - make all the difference in the world even with pain medicine.

Mobility the first two days was essentially zero. My World of Warcraft character gained more than a couple levels over those days due to the time I spent at my desk, unmoving. Imagine for a moment someone kicked you in the crotch, the initial pain subsides, and for the next two minutes there is a thick, aching throb. Now you know what the four days following a vasectomy feel like.

I took a shower on day two, and it was not a fun experience. Without support, the ache grows into a steady throb. Get in, clean off, touch gently, and get out to put support and ice back on the region. The shower on day four was without problem, though I still needed to use a bit of tenderness cleaning the affected area.

Use Protection
The post-vasectomy instructions read that I must refrain from intercourse for at least seven days. Afterwards, it would take upwards of 15 to 20 ejaculations to "clear the pipes," and therefore it was strongly recommended to use barrier protection or other traditional contraceptives for the following three months. At six and twelve weeks I would be, er, tested for sperm count. Thereafter I would have a final consultation with the (hot) urologist.

The week following surgery there was a constant dull ache, as I had been forewarned. On day seven, however, it felt like something was going to burst. If the reader gets nothing else out of this entry, my advice is to "take care of business" on day seven. Doing so was like a massive shot of morphine. The full feeling and constant ache vanished instantaneously, and I felt like doing jumping jacks. Then again I always feel like doing jumping jacks after happy special special time, but this was different. This was a sudden release of persistent pain from the past week. The over-inflated balloon had been released, and not without a cry of joy.

Return to Normality
Since day seven life has returned to relative normalcy. Dr. Boz and I are counting down the number of pipe cleanings to hit twenty, though with the triplets the countdown is going more slowly than we might like. Otherwise, however, it took about two weeks for the bruising in the region to fade, and for any and all pain to completely go away. There is no scarring of any kind due to the tiny hole made by the non-scalpel methodology, though the hair is still growing back where they shaved it off to make it easier to operate.

It will be a few more weeks before the first sperm count and a few months before the final consultation, but we are hopeful that a competent Urologist and careful attention to pre- and post-surgery instructions will ensure that I will not have to go back under the knife to finish the job.

zgreenwell writes: I've recently paid off all my credit card debt and have some money to spare. I want to invest some money. Although I love the idea of being a day trader and speculating changes in the market, I hate the idea of losing money. I'm fairly young and have enough time to sit on any investment. I was wondering what I should do. I've never invested in anything other than a saving account before. Should I buy stocks and hold them? If I do what do I buy?

I've started an E*Trade account and have $1000 in it. Right now its just sitting there because I'm not sure what to do with it.

First and foremost a hearty congratulations on paying off your credit card debt. With the possible exception of a mortgage, paying off debt - and avoiding debt - is one of the best investments anyone can make.

But what to do with your new found savings? The first thing I would recommend is that you open a Roth IRA and put in as much of the annual limit (currently $5,000) as you can afford every year. A Roth IRA is a tax-advantaged retirement savings account. You put after-tax money in and it grows tax-deferred until retirement. There are many cases where you can withdraw early without penalty, such as buying a home and for college tuition; check the link above with the IRS to see more of the qualifying situations. The securities recommendations I will make are largely the same, but the type of account is important because one is tax-free and the other taxable, so you would be reporting taxable income every year on the mutual funds when you file, and that would cut into your returns.

Generally the least expensive, least risky, and most accessible way for the average man to dip his or her toes into investment markets is using a mutual fund. Mutual funds offer a relatively inexpensive method of buying into an already diversified portfolio, reducing your overall risk but allowing for market participation. As far as which fund to invest in, you have a relatively small investment at $1,000 (at least it is considered so by equity market standards). It also sounds like you have very little investment experience, and are relatively young, say in your late twenties or early thirties. Have you already maxed out your 401(k) match? Be sure that you are if one is available to you.

Given this criteria, I would suggest one of two funds. The most appropriate would be a target-date fund for a date matching your retirement, like the Principal Inv LifeTime 2050 Sel (PTESX) or ING Solution 2045 S (ISRSX). Both are low cost and have competitive returns, but may or may not be available to you through your broker (E*Trade). Each broker has a separate "Supermarket" of funds available to them. Just like the regular supermarket, sometimes they will or will not carry the brand you want, and sometimes a generic brand is just as good. You may need to look for an alternative share cIass or fund.

The other type of fund I might suggest would be a conservative allocation fund like Franklin Income (IF you can get a load-waived version) or Permanent Portfolio (PRPFX). If the idea of you investment dropping to $800 in a week makes the pit of your stomach drop out, you may want to take on less risk, hence the "conservative." They are good way for savings bond investors to get acclimated to the peaks and dips of the equity and fixed income markets without losing their shirt.

A brief aside regarding the "load-waived" comment: never pay a load. You are basically losing 5% or more of your investment up front when you do so, and paying your broker a commission on an ongoing basis.

Remember, market investments are not guaranteed and may lose value. Then again, money in the bank or mattress is guaranteed to lose value against inflation!

Good luck!

Taken from a sample of the board games played by Bozanimal on a regular basis. Many board games excluded due to lack or funding or opponents. Of course, that will change as his triplets age.

10 - Kill Dr. Lucky - Dr. Lucky was created by Cheapass games, who certainly live up to their moniker. The game is very inexpensive at $7.50, comprised entirely of paper with a couple wooden and plastic pawns to denote the player. You run all over the mansion (think Clue), trying to kill Dr. Lucky by being in a room with the old man when out of line-of-sight with other players. The best part of the game is the colorful commentary for failing to kill him, such as the floor squeaking or a flash and a puff of smoke. A sequel called, "Save Dr. Lucky" lacks some of the atmosphere and original gameplay, and there is a board game version now available for $35, but the original is still the best version.
9 - Fluxx - All the rules for this game are printed on the cards; draw one, play one. The game gets tricky, however, as the rules get more complicated. Draw five and play two, hand limits, and a changing goal make it a great game for a lazy afternoon or night of drinking. Just keeping track of what you need to get done each turn is a challenge in and of itself, and you will find yourself laughing at how absurd the rule combinations can become. An excellent casual game with a play time of five to fifteen minutes per round.
8 - Hoopla - Cranium games tend to all be derivatives of each other. Hoopla, however, scales well from one to eight players. Instead of playing against each other, the group plays against the clock. Your job is to guess what is on the card of the player whose turn it is through one of four minigame genres: drawing, acting, "bigger than smaller than," and tongue-tied, in which the player may only use words beginning with the same letter. Everyone must guess all of the cards before the timer runs out. The emphasis on gameplay over competing and low cost (less than $10) make this an easy recommendation.
7 - Rummikub - Each player begins with 14 tiles of random numbers between one and thirteen of four different colors. The goal is to get rid of all your numbers by matching them up with other tiles in sequence or in packs, with sequences required to be of the same color and packs of opposing colors. Once the tiles are in play, they can be rearranged. If it sounds complicated, think of it as a pattern recognition game, and a very good one. This is great for families with between two and four players.
6 - Taboo - As far as party games go, it does not get much better than Taboo. Players break into two teams, with one member of each team given a card with a word on it. They need to get their team to guess the word without saying any of the other five words on the card. Simple, but once the other words get your brain in their frame of mind, it can be tough to think of anything else. Simple, fun, challenging, and works equally well sober as inebriated.
5 - Carcassonne - The first of three "Eurogames" in the top ten, Carcassone is a game of building. The players draw alternating square-shaped tiles whose art fits together. Where the player places their tiles determines how many points they score, and creative tile placement can hinder an opponent while helping the player. Playable by two to five individuals, Carcassonne is more versatile than some of the other party games, and should appeal particularly to gamers who play primarily with one other person. Also available on XBox360.
4 - Puerto Rico - Players are charged with successfully colonizing a certain island in the Caribbean. You score points for sending crops and resources by boat back to the motherland. The problem is that there is only so much room on the ships, and each ship can only carry one type or resource. The odd thing about Puerto Rico is that nothing is random except who goes first. There are no dice or other variations for the rest of the game, yet each game ends up being completely different, strategically speaking. This is one of the best strategy games available, and is highly recommended for two (variant rules available online are quite good) or more players that enjoy games of strategy and cunning.
3 - Scrabble - Has anyone not played Scrabble? Spell words using randomly drawn tiles and existing words on the board. The added bonus is that you get to show off your vocabulary, which is otherwise mocked and chided by your peers. Seriously, who uses words like "bifurcate" in daily conversation? Geeks like the author, for one. Sadly, he takes immense satisfaction bashing opponents with his vernacular as much as dropping a high-point letter on the triple-word score for a 30-point 3-letter word.
2 - Cards - The best part about cards is you can pick up a deck anywhere, they are cheap, and everyone knows at least a couple games. From Crazy Eights to Bridge, there are card games for everyone. Their versatility and universal appeal, not to mention the value of knowing a couple gambling games (for networking and hobnobbing with the boss, not actually making money, of course; wink wink), makes playing cards an easy vote for number two.
1 - Settlers of Catan - A game of luck, skill, and economics, Settlers relies on shrewd and timely trading strategy as much as a roll of the dice. No game is complete without someone getting slighted and refusing to trade with another player. It is an excellent introduction to Eurogames for neophytes and novices alike, and offers equally great fun for the family or a drunken group of like-minded geeks on a weekend. Also available on XBox360.

Honorable Mentions: Magic: The Gathering is a great card game, but is prohibitively expensive for casual play (the wife and author play). Further, to get cards you generally have to venture into the den of the uber-nerd, and nobody wants to get involved in a conversation with that guy. Also good for a lark are Jenga, Pictionary, and Scattergories, the latter being a favorite of the author's wife. Role playing gamers and fans of stories might also enjoy Betrayal at House on the Hill from Avalon Hill. The game is a combination of room discovery and storytelling that makes for some great fun in the right crowd.

For more great game suggestions, visit Board Game Geek.

Why stop at swords? Following are the top weapons ever, as compiled and rationalized completely arbitrarily by the author.

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Heat-Seeking Bullets - In the 1984 Tom Selleck film Runaway bullets could be calibrated to individual heat signatures. The bullets would go around people and corners to seek out the target, not unlike the cartoon bullets from Who Framed Roger Rabbit (but a bit brighter)? Despite being highly, highly effective, there are two problems that place these bullets at the bottom of the list. First, any physics professor would have a heart attack espousing the problems with actually creating a working model. Second, all the great sniper movies like Enemy at the Gates would be rendered moot, and the author loves sniper films.

Lasers - Has any weapon been so popular as the laser in science fiction? The laser has aged well considering James Bond was outmaneuvering them back in the sixties. Lasers have yet to be turned into a usable weapon despite Val Kilmer's best efforts in the 1980's. However, their pretty colors and popularity at planetariums everywhere for Pink Floyd tributes has us hoping they will someday reach a point where they become economically and physically feasible for warfare. Until then, pass me the stuff, man. Wait, what was I just talking about? Oh, wow man, look at the colors!

The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch - And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three; no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count. Neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." Amen.

Biochemical - Technically, biological and chemical are two separate categories of weaponry. But who cares? They are tremendously effective at devastating the opponents' forces, both physically as well as for morale. Unfortunately, biochemical weapons have a nasty habit of, well, backfiring. A shift in the winds or a misfire, and both you and your enemy have lost the skirmish. Still, very efficient and cheap, making it a top pick for desperate countries faced with an overwhelming opposition.

Portal Gun - Certainly there have been any number of creative weapons in video games. Ice guns, trip beam explosives, shrink rays, flak cannons, the gravity gun, the nailgun and shock beam rifle come to mind. None have been as creatively implemented as the Portal Gun. There is something satisfying about a gun that can be used to both defeat the enemy and get you where you need to go. If it were somehow possible to use in reality, there would be all sorts of special operations missions possible. All you would need is a single Navy Seal and the Portal Gun and you could pretty much depose any hostile government in the world. The best part is that you could do it without making it look like anyone was ever even there. Imagine the headline, "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, his entire cabinet, and his personal guard were all found dead today, having seemingly leaped to their deaths from the top of the government building."

Prostitutes - You thought women only recently entered the armed services? Diseases killed twice as many soldiers during the Civil War as died from battle. There were more cases of venereal diseases than of measles, mumps and tonsillitis together (Source). One estimate puts it, "one-third of the men who died in Union and Confederate veterans' homes were killed by the late stages of venereal disease (source)." Despite this being probably the best entry for something humorous, I am at a loss.

The Force - The author refers not just to the Force, but to the use of telekinetics of any sort at any time in fiction. When Darth Vader crushes the neck of an officer, it's box-office gold. Unlike some of the other weaponry, like lasers and biochemical weapons, telekinesis would be just as useful outside of combat. Lost your remote control? No reason to buy a new one. Need an extra roll of toilet paper? No problem. Someone about to get struck by a car? No need to put yourself in danger. Move other objects and yourself! Take a flight anywhere you'd like for free (just don't fall asleep). While you're there, try not to get assassinated by evil ninjas from a rogue shadow organization, though.

ICBM (Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile) - The ICBM changed the world overnight. The ability to strike any enemy from any distance practically ensured that nobody would ever attack anyone else, lest they usher in the apocalypse. It's kind of like if you gave every man woman and child worldwide a handgun. Wait a minute...

Atomic - Nuclear weaponry has pure staying power. It is still the most effective, destructive weapon ever created, capable of annihilating our entire species. Take that holy hand grenade! Then again, it's also a bit like trying to dial the telephone while wearing an oven mitt: you can't help but hit every key. Plus, that pesky nuclear fallout and long-term environment damage kind of ruin any plans for invasion because it just kills property values.

Fire - Deadly, useful, and occasionally the avatar of God (Deuteronomy 4:12), fire is the Swiss army knife of weapons. Feared on land, sea, or in the air, capable of leveling cities, and difficult to control, fire is what makes it possible for most of the other weapons to work. It can be as destructive as a nuclear weapon when used tactfully and dispose of the bodies, or cook you dinner and heat your home. Can the Force make me dinner? Yeah, I thought not.

Honorable Mentions
Chainsaw - Chainsaws are always great for a gorefest, but are particularly cool when worn in place of a hand. Remind me again why Mega Man never had a chainsaw option?
Claws (preferably adamantium)
Fists - The ultraportable, undetectable weapon that's always there as a last resort.
Rail Gun - If you've ever seen Eraser, you'll realize that the rail gun is a very cool weapon, but purely for its smoke effect.
M16 rifle with M203 grenade launcher
V-MADS (Vehicle-Mounted Active Denial System) - This is certainly the best thing to ever happen to modern weaponry, though it is still being developed. The 95-GHz energy penetrates 1/64 inch into the skin and produces an intense burning sensation. The technology is an incredibly effective crowd-control system. It also makes for great parties at local fraternities. "Dude, I'll bet you can't stand in the beam for longer than me." "Can to." "Alright, let's do it then." (in unison) "AAAAAAHHHH!"
Shotgun - Otherwise known as the Boomstick
Gravity Gun - Telekinesis, but with a gun. Sorry, but the telekinesis is much cooler, and will always get through airport security.
Swords - Swords seemed really cool until writing the list, then they just seemed kind of quaint.
Death Star - Yes, one of the coolest and most awe-inspiring weapons, for sure, but also incredibly inefficient and, well, impossible. What's that? Something about the list and the Force and the Portal gun? I'm sorry, but I can't understand you when you mumble. Let's move on.

Lifetime achievement award
The Terminator 800 unit is not a weapon specifically, but its ability to learn, ingenuity, and stamina make it one hot piece of hardware. Since it cannot be wielded, it had to be excluded, but it is an awesome piece of machinery.

This entry archived as "Games" after it spent more than a week at the top of the Gamespot User Soapbox.

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The Mario Kart truck pitched its tent in Boston this week. Working Downtown, I was able to head down to Government Center, where the truck had opened its doors (and tent flap) to the general public.

Mario Kart Wii Promo Truck

It was immediately obvious that Nintendo knew what it was doing. There were plenty of promotional representatives there, each wearing either a Mario or Luigi jumpsuit and hat. They were creating custom driver's licenses for attendees, taking pictures, and helping everyone learn to play the game. If you have ever visited a theme park like Disney World, the reps were of the same sort: super-perky, chipper, friendly, and occasionally getting the crowd to cheer, "Mario Kart!"

Inside the truck

The tents were clean an well-organized, with two fiberglass carts in the glass truck and a standalone station, eight stations in the tent and one more kart, and a slew of flat-screen televisions blaring a Mario Kart Wii trailer. Nintendo reps were everywhere, but in a good way. Imagine walking into a big-box retailer to try a game, and having everything work, clean, organized, and help immediately available.

The staff and license issuance booth

I was able to score a seat without any wait alongside another gentleman who was also blowing off work. Being the middle of the afternoon on a cloudy Thursday, attendance was modest. Nonetheless, once you're at a terminal, it matters not whether there are ten or ten-thousand attendees, the game itself is the same.

And they all worked!

Mario Kart is Double-Dash with more maps, more to unlock, and motion-sensitive controls. Otherwise, the experience was very similar. Great game, enjoyable power-ups, fast-paced action, and a fun crowd. It seems to me that regardless of the fanboy - PS3, XBox360, PC or Nintendo - everyone enjoys picking up a red shell or three in a game of Mario Kart.

Playing Waluigi's Stadium

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More pictures from the event are located here. The truck will be in New Jersey today and tomorrow.