• 15May 07

  Breaking: Falwell blames feminists, lesbians for death

  This just in over the wire from ANS (Afterlife News Service)

  ---------------------------------------------------------

  Falwell blames 'pagans, abortionists, gays, feminists, lesbians' for death

  by Bob Johnson

  (ANS, The Afterlife) Echoing his comments made after 9-11 that the terrorist attack was caused by a litany of "evil forces," the late Jerry Falwell said today from the afterlife that "pagans, abortionists, gays, feminists, lesbians, the ACLU, People for the American Way, John Kerry, Air America Radio and other immoral, liberal groups and individuals bear full responsibility for the heart attack that has claimed my earthly life."

  Falwell went to add that, unlike his apology following his post-9-11 comments, he will "not be apologizing this time because there are no liberals where I'm going. So they can kiss my fat, dead ass."

  Falwell said he had been sitting at his desk, thumbing through a stack of personal checks from residents of a senior center he had visited on Monday when he felt a sudden, crushing pain in his chest.

  "It was like the homosexuals were actually reaching into my chest cavity and squeezing my heart," Falwell recounted. "I started praying, 'Lord, smite the homosexuals,' but they wouldn't let go.

  Falwell noted that he was dead before Liberty University Executive Vice President Ron Godwin found him slumped over the stack of checks.

  "Ronnie walked in and I was already gone. I give him credit, though. Before he even called 911, he removed the stack of checks and gave them to Eleanor and told her to make sure they get deposited, pronto. He also went through my desk drawers and removed the two copies of 'Big Jugs Magazine' he knew I had hidden in the back of one of them. But the son-of-a-b*tch snatched the gold pen that Reagan had given me," Falwell complained.

  Falwell said he would "wait and see" before offering any comment on his new surroundings. "I've often wondered if this is going to be a case of 'overpromise/underdeliver' or if things will be as good as I have told so many they would be. I'm not sold yet."

  A spokesangel for God said The Almighty was taking a "long, hard look" at Falwell's life before deciding on a final afterlife home. "The Lord will only say at this point that no one is a sure bet. That goes for Jerry and for anyone else who leaves an earthly life."

  When asked to respond to Falwell's assertion that "there are no liberals in heaven," the spokesangel laughed and said, "Franklin Roosevelt may have something to say about that."

  Falwell closed his press conference with a diatribe against "Muslims and other infidel colored people on Earth who don't believe what I believe which is the one, true belief."

  Just then, another recently dead man dressed in long, gold robes and a turban passed by on a throne carried by four angels.

  Falwell was stunned.

  "But I bet he's not a homo the late Reverend said, before storming from the room.

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   Out This Week:

  MAY 14, 2007
  Ninja Gaiden (Wii)
  Ninja Spirit (Wii)
  Pac-Man (Wii)

  MAY 15, 2007
  Resident Evil 4 (PC)
  Shrek the Third (360, Wii, PC, PS2, PSP, DS, GBA)
  Art of Fighting Anthology (PS2)
  Code Lyoko (DS)
  Innocent Life: A Futuristic Harvest Moon (PSP)
  MLB 07: The Show (PS3)
  Etrian Odyssey (DS)
  Touch the Dead (DS)
  Free****Street Basketball (PC)

  MAY 16, 2007
  Taito Legends 2 (PC)
  Soltrio Solitaire (360)
  Aegis Wing (360)

  MAY 17, 2007
  Major League Baseball 2K7 (GBA)
  Taito Legends Power-Up (PSP)

  ---------------------------------------------------------

  Monolith is making a sequel to Condemned and F.E.A.R!!!! Yay! Condemned 2: Bloodshot will come out Q1 of 2008.

   

  • Posted May 15, 2007 5:13 pm PT
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• 1Feb 07

  Smooth Moves And Justice For All!

  

  2007 predictions so far:

  * RIGHT: Hillary Clinton is running for president.

  * RIGHT: Joe Biden, Wesley Clark, Christopher Dodd, and Bill Richardson will all join the 2008 race before September.

  * RIGHT: John Kerry won't run.

  * D'oh! Barack Obama declines to run.

  ---------------------------------------------------------

  TV.com Update:

  * Chelhawian retired from being editor of Lindsay Lohan. I'm now the editor.

  

  * I retire from editor status on all my shows. Right now i'm working on my 11 people guides. BTW, my Queue will be check daily from now on. I'll start the revamp of my guides this weekend

  ---------------------------------------------------------

   Death 360

  I posted this in the "Drink The Kool-Aid: A place for XBOX 360 Gamers" in the Off-Topic section of the forum:

  " Damn! My xbox 360 broke on friday. It would slow down here and there and it finally crash. I just got the box microsoft sent me to put my 360 in. Their repair shop is in Texas. This sucks, and crash right when the Crackdown demo was almost done loading. Well I guess I'm playing smooth moves for awhile. I got mine on day one so I get my 360 repaired for free so I guess it isn't so bad plus the full version of CrackDown does not come out for another 3 weeks. I hope to have it back around valentines day.
  
  Btw, The Darkness looks awsome."

  * Since The Crash I have been playing alot of WarioWare: Smooth Moves and Phoenix Wright: Justice For All. Both are great games and should be bought if you own a Wii and/or DS.

  ---------------------------------------------------------

  February

  February is finally here and unlike past February this one does not suck. This is a list of some of the stuff i'm looking forward to this month:

  2: Wesley Clark kicks of his 2008 campaign.

  16: New season of Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO.

  20: CrackDown For Xbox 360!

  25: Oscar Night. Al Gore's movie is nominated for two Oscar

  27: Bullet Witch (xbox 360) and Sonic and the Secret Rings (wii).

  Not too bad. I hope it will snow atleast once more here this month before it turns March and start warming up a little. Hell I may like this month so much I may blog more than once this month. Btw, I pwn my New Year Resolution.

  Well that's all I have time for. See ya next month.

  • Posted Feb 1, 2007 2:44 pm PT
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• 1Jan 07

  It's 2007 (are you happy now Cnet?)

  2007 is here!

  Here's my 2007 predictions:

  - Halo 3 will come out November 6.

  - Xbox 360 will out sell both PS3 and Wii. Wii will come in a close 2nd out selling the PS3 by about 2 million units.

  - Tim Schafer will show off his new project in the summer.

  - Hilary Clinton will run for president but her poll #'s will start to drop around summer.

  - Democrat Joe Biden, Wesley Clark, Christopher Dodd, and Bill Richardson will all join the 2008 race before September.

  - John Kerry won't run. Will support John Edwards.

  - Al Gore wins an oscar award in February for his movie. While on his book tour in may he'll make the announcement that he's running for president.

  - Barack Obama declines to run.

  - John Mccain joins the 08 race before April.

  I'll have the full list of my predictions tomorrow. I will also do a "best of 2006" on my blog.

  By the way, my New Year Resolution is to Blog everyday in 2007. I give myself a week . What's your Resolution?

  EDIT: Damnit! It turned midnight when I posted this. Cnet won't let your blog title be just #'s, I would have known that if I had blog more than 10 times last year. Well eh....I magically appeared in California as I hit "Post Entry". Meaning I posted this at 9:00 p.m January 1st. I win!

  • Posted Jan 1, 2007 9:00 pm PT
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