A Russian theme blended with Americana ideology doesn't quite cut the mustard.

User Rating: 3 | The Stalin Subway PC
Gameplay: 3
Graphics: 3
Sounds: 4
Value: 4
Tilt: 2

(An interview between Azghouls and a Russian game show host Volkov Smith)

Volkov: Why playing 'The Stalin Subway'?

Azghouls: Once in a while, regardless of the general populace, you'll find game that you absolutely adore; like living in your very own world where succumbing to 'peer pressure' of the latest video gaming fads are nothing more than just…fads. My 'fads' are those Russian games as even though are riddled with bugs, are still enjoyable to play as the atmosphere these Russians formulate is something that you'll rarely experience in a 'typical western' game. It could be that the extremely cold weather plus vodka made these groups of chaps warped their perception of life. Yet there are a couple that tries to 'westernise' video games hoping to enter the market only to radically fail further than those pure Russian games and 'The Stalin Subway' is one of them.

Volkov: So what is 'The Stalin Subway' all about?

Azghouls: Well, it's starts of with a simple KGB soldier (you) guarding a 'boring' post located in a secret laboratory only to realise that your fellow KGB goons starting to assault fellow Russian's scientists and rebels. Naturally your father is involved in all of this as he's part of a team designing some vast bomb which is going to detonate Moscow aiming to knock off Stalin himself. Being a patriotic person, your plan is fight against these traitors and for the love of Russia plus to save your daddy. Now may I ask how many times you read/seen/played this scenario?

Volkov: Never. So what exactly do you do in 'The Stalin Subway'?

Azghouls: For starters, does the title rings a bell or a Boeing 747 just whizzed pass you without you noticing it? To those who are sharp as a bowling ball, it's about running through subways after subways yet these are not your 'ordinary' subways; these are top secret subways that are concealed from the general public – did this add an extra level of excitement? Also it involves getting shot at in the most extraordinary way (courteously due to the almost non-existent collision detection), getting past locked doors where only the cheat code 'no clipping' is your only hope and dodging extremely bouncing crates (the physics engine is nothing more than a very poor told joke). Of course you can try and shoot your enemies but who are you kidding anyways.

The good news is that the environments do change slightly as you can actually see above subterranean levels in two occasions as well as you get to trod through dungeons and sewers plus get to climb ladders. But the amazing thing about this game is that it requires a really powerful PC to run this and the load times are totally out-of-this-world so you can 'multitask' between load times and watching your favourite T.V. shows – truly a bargain.

Volkov Smith: What about visuals?

Azghouls: To summarise in just one word: 'interesting'. Considering it's a 2005 game, the graphical engine is definitely behind the eight ball as there's nothing pretty about this game other than switching it off. Everything is bland, dull and boring with plenty of subways and trains to boot. Yet there is two times where the engine does shine as you get to see the wide open world that's called Moscow but that's about it. I was really expecting more (for example Russian propaganda posters considering the game was set in 1952) but all I saw was subways, dungeons and poor clippings. Yet all the female militia have quite big 'personalities' and the vast majority of them wear questionable attire; again maybe the developers thought this is the way to the 'Westerner's' heart.

Volkov Smith: Sounds?

Azghouls: Considering every damn soldier and citizen moans the same old lines and you sounding like a tasteless chicken (is that a sound – well in this game it is) there's nothing to go by when it comes to voice acting. Seriously they might as well play as a silent movie and maybe then I will have respect to their acting ability. In addition some of the conversations are nothing more than just watching a very, very bad adult film (e.g. when the hero states in front of Natalie which happens to be another KGB officer 'You can bite off my buttons on my shirt and then I have to sow them back on') makes me want to hurl bricks at my monitor. Yet the musical scores is like a clincher; it's so damn good for my liking however the sad thing is that it does not blend well for the game at all; it's too upbeat like they are trying to impress the 'non European' market yet the developers should stick to their 'traditional' beat (similar to what 1C done in 'You Are Empty' where the scores are of a industrial beat yet not familiar enough to what the 'mass' market is accustomed to).

Volkov Smith: And what about value?

Azghouls: The manual is a good read yet no real information about the plot at hand however there is a very detailed section about all the weaponry in this game; actually a comprehensive historical lesson about every armament you will encounter during the game (I really don't know why all the details). For a seasoned player, the length should take around the ten hours mark however due to the many issues and brutal (yet unusually accurate) AIs add a couple of 'fun-filled' hours as you will be scratching your head and asking to yourself 'How did this happen?' or 'Where did I go wrong?'. To break the news tenderly there is nothing wrong with you and never doubt your common sense; it's all about the game going off beam and not your 'puzzle' solving skills.

Volkov Smith: Anything else to add?

Azghouls: Looking at the developer's homepage 'Buka Entertainment' let me explain what exactly 'Buka' means. According to Wikipedia, 'Buka' is a Russian fairy tale character that comes to children who wouldn't sleep and kidnaps them. Buka Entertainment steals kids away to the magic world of computer games. Sadly I laughed at this statement and actually felt pity as I'm sure it wasn't entirely their fault producing this 'master piece' as maybe Buka Entertainment really desire to enter the mass-producing 'westernise' countries hoping to gain a stronghold. This was their mistake as if one doesn't fully understand this market, it will become a noticeable target for jokes abound. You can take a look at previous games that become a laughing stock (Xero Wing for example) and thankfully so 'The Stalin Subway' didn't join that party as ironically to say, this game didn't take off well enough for the public to embrace it.

You can also look at it by securitising your name 'Volkov Smith'. Russian with a blend of Americana doesn't quite cut the mustard. Get the idea?

Volkov Smith: I must break you…