To win an argument, wear pastel pink!
Want to calm someone down or have them see things your way? Wear pink! Just looking at he soft shade reduces hostility and tension for a full half hour. Brain scans show pink stimulates the hypothalamus, which controls our moods, reactions and emotions.

Cutting meat intake cuts diabetes risk
People who eat more than three 6 oz servings of red meat a week, and lots of full fat cheese, are four times more likely to develop diabetes. The foods elevate blood levels of proteins linked to the disease.

To rev up your relationship, wear red!
Seeing it triggers epinephrine and adrenaline, two excitement hormones that speed up heart rate, rise body temperature and cause a feeling of exhilaration. It's a powerful stimulant that men are physiologically atracted to. No wonder it's the international color of passion and love!

Bust stress by Reppoting a plant!
Gardening has long been one of the top ten hobbies in America and a new study has pinpointed why: Tiny bacteria in soil activate recepors in the brain, triggering the release of the hormone sertontonin! Dig in the dirt without gloves to increase exposure to the friendly, feel-good bacteria.

To boost everyone's mood, wear citrus!
Warm clors like orange and yellow convey friendliness and warmth, making everyone who sees them happier. Tests show the brain's "happiness centers" are actually activated by exposure to warm, bright colors in fact a study from the University of Georgia found an astounding 94% of people who viewed these colors felt happier in seconds!

Reducing redness with tea breaks!
Drinking as little as 16 oz of black or green tea daily dramatically reduces inflammation inside skin cells, helping to soothe away chronic redness, as well as itchiness, irritation and puffiness, in as little as 14 days, researchers say. Not a tea lover? Sip three glasses of purple grape juice a week instead; its antioxidants including quercerin, kaempferol and resveratrol also heal irritated skin, plus strengthen immunity, helping people recover more quickly from skin infections.

Erase congesion with yerba mansa!
The leaves and roots of this perennial were used for centuries by Native Americans to calm cold, allergies and even sinus problems. Yerba mansa has strong antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properies that soothe irritated mucous membranes. It's so effective at stemming soreness and swelling, preliminary research shows it can ease symptoms of strep throat!

Song

Shine- Collective Soul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m0bI82Rz_k

Also if you have any interest in helping unions than take a look at this:

http://www.gamespot.com/users/Nightmare-_-/show_blog_entry.php?topic_id=m-100-26020279

Well I'll blog at another time, later.

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Say yes to everything
Whether it's a neighborhood block party, a store opening or a mommy and me class, go for it! "The first step in attracting luck is putting yourself among new people," says Susan Roane, author of How to create your own luck. "Take the 'you never know approach: You just never know who you'll meet or what could happen from a conversation. Join the PTA, look in the newspaper for groups or local town meetings, or check your supermarket's bulletin board for upcoming events.

Crank up your confidence! Look at family photos
Nervous? Just gaze at a photo of your family. People with good family bonds have a sense of selfworth and greater resilience during tough times and looking at family photos conjures up this same sense of security. Seeing yourself as part of a larger whole fuels a sense of belonging and reminds us of our support system.

Express gratitude!
Offering thanks and the postive vibes that go with being thankful will put more lucky situations into your life. Lucky breaks are handed out by people who think you're great, and people love when someone is appreciative of their time and effort. Think of someone who's shown you an extra dose of kindness, and say thank you in person, send a quick thank you e-mail or even send a formal thank you note.

Getting a glow by easing stress!
Spending 20 minutes daily doing something that helps you unwind, such as stretching, napping, knitting, praying or even reading can counter the effects of two stress hormones- adrenaline and cortinsool that tighten blood vessels and slow the flow of healing nutrients and oxygen to the delicate skin cells.

Laughter really is contagious!
Hearing someone else laugh activates an area of your brain that makes you laugh too. Studies have shown that laughter is a health booster.

Avoid sagging with cereal and bean burritos!
Avoiding blood sugar spikes is key to preventing premature sagging. Sugar overloads trigger the formation of free radicals, which damage the skin's supportive collagen strands. Gradually add more fiber to your diet until you reach at least 15 grams a day. Or get it from one heaping cup of bran cereal or a good size bean burrito.

Song for the blog:

Freedom by Rage Against the machine:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2ocEnFZRfo

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Once upon a time, a young wife announced to her husband that she was pregnant and, without a moment's thought, the young man ran out of the house and down to the village square. "My wife and I are going to have a son!" he cried to everyone he met. "Our son will be handsome and wise and courageous, and everyone will admire him, and he will be our greatest joy so that never again will we have a day of sorrow or longing." The young man told the news to everyone - to the rabbi and merchants, students and teachers, farmers and tradesmen. He did not stop until all those in the village had heard the news. When he reached home and burst through the door, his wife glared angrily at him. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Why aren't you celebrating?" "You're a fool," his wife answered. "Do you wish to suffer the fate of the dervish?" "What?" the husband asked, for he had never heard the tale of the dervish, and so his wife sat him down, made him a pot of tea and began to tell the tale.

"Once upon a time," she began, "there lived a dervish who worked for a king as a spiritual adviser. Every day the king paid the dervish with a sweet cake and a bowl full of honey." "What kind of payment is that?" the husband asked, but his wife put her fingers to her lips. "Listen carefully, husband. This is a tale you must hear."The husband quieted down, and she went on. "Each evening, the dervish ate the cake, and he poured the bowl of honey into a big jar. "One day the dervish noticed that his honey jar was nearly overflowing, and he thought he would go to the market to sell it, for in those days honey was precious. So the dervish closed his eyes and began to imagine his future. "He decided he would sell his jar of honey to buy a flock of 10 sheep. Yes, a fine, fat flock. And then, in springtime, those 10 sheep would give birth to lambs, and at the end of one year, he would have many more fat sheep. The next year there would be more still.

"Now the dervish gripped the cane he used - except he imagined this cane was his shepherd's crook, and he saw the hilltop upon which he lived covered with hundreds of sheep. With so many sheep, he decided he could sell some of the flock to purchase a cow. Naturally the cow would bear calves. At market he would sell those calves, and with the money he earned from the sale he would purchase a nice plot of land. He would purchase an ox, too, and with that ox, he'd plow his fields. "Ah, what a fine life he imagined. There he sat, upon his hill while his sheep grazed upon his bountiful land, and his cows poured forth milk, and his ox plowed the land - and with plenty of wheat to sell at market, he earned still more money, and with that money, he would build a magnificent house. "Oh, what a house he would build! The dervish smiled at the thought, but then, of course, the house would be so large, he would need servants, and so he would hire young men and women from the village.

And one day, while in the village, he would meet the most beautiful maiden, and they would fall in love and marry and have a child. They would have a fine young boy who would grow to be strong and wise and handsome. Their son would be blessed by the good fortune of the dervish and his lady, and the child would bring them great honor. "Ah, but then the dervish began to wonder. What if his son were too strong-willed and disobedient? What if he refused to work to earn his way in the world? What if he were only a dreamer who did no work but sat upon a hill only imagining his future and refusing to obey his father's desires? "The dervish squinted hard, imagining how he would discipline his disobedient, dreaming son. He hated to think this way, but he would have to beat some sense into his son

he would use his shepherd's crook, for he could not put up with a lazy boy, with someone who was willing only to dream, never to work. "And with that thought the dervish began to swing his stick this way and that, and he awoke from his dream to discover that with that swinging stick he had broken his honey jar, and all that precious honey was streaming out of the jar and onto the floor. All was lost." The wife finished her tale, and she smiled at her husband. The young man nodded. "I now understand," he said. "We must be cautious, for we cannot know what tomorrow will bring." "Yes," his wife said, "just as King Solomon said: 'Boast not thyself, for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth.' " (Proverbs 27:1)

Jokes:

1. Doctor's Guarantee

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"Was he successful?"

"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."

2. Dress Code

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company."

3. Unruly Child

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he said.

'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. ' And what if you run out of money?'.

'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.

'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.

Song:

Pretty Woman- Roy Orbison

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8x2tG4X0cdc

Too bad he's been dead for 24 years now.

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Beat Sinus Pressures

1. Avoid irritants with an air filter
Microscopic fungus spores in the air contribute to sinus woes in 96% of chronic sufferes. Using a HEPA air filter helps removes these culprits.


2. Prevent persistent pain with water
Getting low on fluids can trigger swelling in the lining of the nose, resulting in pain an increasing the risk of infection.

3. Ease pressure with a hot compress
Applying a moist, heated washcloth across your forehead and nose for 5 minutes, 3 times daily, helps losen congestion, clearing pressure-building mucus from the nasal cavity.

4. Protect airways with a scarf
Pulling it high enough to cover your nose will kepp cold air from rying sinus membranes, reducing their susceptibility to germs.

5. Soothe sinuses with steam
Making sure the small hairs that line the sinuses stay moist and are able to move back and forth helps send bacteria and other irritants out of the body. To do: breathe in hot steam during a shower or by bending over a hot cup of tea and inhaling deeply.

6. Maximize relief by keeping your chin up
Propping your head up with an extra pillow or two throughout the night helps drain sinuses while you sleep.

Jokes:

1. Business Class

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get $24," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."



2. New Definitions...

Read closely, and perhaps slowly, to understand...

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

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3. Keeping Her Word...

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."



4. Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy and walks on all fours. Although they doesn't speak clearly, they communicate extremely well, especially cats.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called (this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!!!

Godsmack- Mistakes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r58KPj9FWcI

That's all for now, Merry Christmas to all.

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1. Avoid this hidden danger!
It's iron. Getting too much of this mineral can as much as double your risk of developing diabetes. Excess iron settles in the pancreas and liver, where it stalls insulin production and hinders the body's ability to use glucose. Your best bet: Opt for an iron-free multi, unless a blood test confirms that you're iron deficient.

2. Hang out with supportive people!
Encouragement from others makes us more likely to achieve things that make us lucky! When we're told by others we can accomplish something, it gives us the confidence to achieve it! Say encouraging things to your loved one, and they'll start saying them back to you! Since we often mirror the behavior of others, being a cheerleader for others will make them cheer for you, too!

3. Beat depression with Salba
Salba seeds, also called chia contain 8 times more mood boosting omega-3 fatty acids than a serving of salmon! A handful contains 6 times more calcium than a glass of milk, 3 times more iron than spinach and 3 times more antioxdants than blueberries.

4. Soy buils new collagen!
Eating soy-based foods increases collagen production so effectively that if you do you'll have less sagging and fewer wrinkles than women who don't. Collagen proteins are like scaffolding in skin-they're the fibers that maintain the structure of cells, so reinforcing them helps keep the surface of skin taut and firm. Use soy milk in your coffee and pour it over your morning cereal; add tofu to your favorite stir-fry; and snack on soy nuts.

5. To comfort someone, Wear powder blue!
Looking at this shade trigers the production of melatonin, the brain chemical in charge of sleep and relaxation. What's more, it produces impulses in the brain that calm the nervous system and lower pulse rate! It makes someone feel comforted just talking to you.

6. Feel more optimistic! Look at yellow daffodils!
The sight of flowers makes people feel happier and more satisfied with their lives. The color yellow is study-proven to trigger the release of feel-good endorphins and daffodils are strongly associated with springtime-the season of fresh starts.

The daffodil is also the national flower of Wales and is also known as the Narcissus

Jokes:

1. Are you an Engineer?

If these remind you of yourself, it's a good bet you are an engineer.

- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

- In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.

- The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

- You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.

- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

- You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

- You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.

- You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

- You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

- You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

- You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

- You know what http:// actually stands for.

- You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

- You see a good design and still have to change it.

- You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

- You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).

- You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.

- You know what the geosynchronous satellite's function is.

- Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

- You've already calculated how much you make per second.

- You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.


2. Black Market Drugs

The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market.

The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."


3. In Line...

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.

-- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!

- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.

- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.

- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.

- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.

- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.

- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.

- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.

- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.

- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.

- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.

- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.



4. Fined

Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

"They should not put up such misleading notices," said Joe.

"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

song:

Leader of the pack- The Shangri-Las

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McvWodRXA7k

That's all for now, thanks for reading and have a wonderful week.

Read and Post Comments | Get the full article at GameSpot

Jokes:

1. New Element Found

The recent hurricane and gasoline issues helped prove existence of a new element. In early October [2005] a major research institution announced discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Government."

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second!

Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Gv is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Gv becomes Administratium (Am) - an element which radiates just as much energy as Gv since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.


2. Age is a Funny Thing

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" Well . . .... You'll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his, DDS, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm ... Or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled SOB asked, "What did you teach?"


3. Source for Accurate Weather

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT



4. Words of Wisdom

Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Trust everybody . . . then cut the cards.

Don't do for others what, given the chance, they wouldn't do for themselves.

Summer must be over. My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture.

If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, then you are all right.

It's good to question authority, but not mine.

Love doesn't really make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile.

Age is just a number and mine is unlisted.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.

A retired husband is a wife's full time job.

Heredity is something parents comfortably believe in, if they have a bright child.

Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!

Happiness is the place between too little and too much.

Circular arguments often make the rounds.

Even at a Mensa convention, someone is the dumbest person in the room.

When in doubt. . . mumble.

Money can't buy everything . .but then again, neither can no money.

Another favorite of mine.

The reason- Hoobastank:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV4DiAyExN0

Side note: today 12/10/12. It has been 19 years since my maternal grandfather passed away at the age of 60.

Read and Post Comments | Get the full article at GameSpot

1. Fight cancer and more.
A little bit of this squash will unleash the power of betacarotene. Your body converts this super-nutrient to vitamin A. I cup of butternut squash provides nearly 5 times the USDA's daily recommendation of 3,000 IU. Benefits: the power to ward off skin disorders, age-related vision loss and even leukemia.


2. Reverse smoking damage
Eating food rich in vitamin A can reduce your chances of developing emphysema.


3. Maintain heart health
The 1-2 punch of fiber and potassium protects against heart disease and high blood pressure. Just 1 cup of the gourd provides nearly 3 grams of fiber and more than 10% of the USDA's daily recommendation of 4,000 mg of potassium. Also a good source of folate. Try butternut squash bruschetta with ricotta, lemon juice and parmesan.

Jokes

1. Show and Tell

Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of "Show and Tell" that day had been parents' occupations.

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."

I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.

When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."


2. Internet Lingo

The language of the internet is full of shortcuts. Some, like LOL (laugh out loud) and KISS(keep It Simple Stupid) have gone mainstream. But new online lingo is always popping up.

AYPI: And Your Point Is?

AWGTHTGTTA: Are We Going to Have to Go Through This Again?

BEG: Big Evil Grin

HHO1/2 K: Ha HA, Only Half Kidding

TYCLO: Turn Your CAPS LOCK OFF!


3. Oops...

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."


4. Cooking Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Thank you for reading, and have a wonderful week.

Read and Post Comments | Get the full article at GameSpot

1. Easy foot-pain RX
If you've ever had plantar fasciitis you know how important fast relief is! Researchers have a fix: Sit cross the affected foot over the opposite knee, pull back your toes, and hold for count of 10. Repeat 9 times.


2. Soy helps prevent breast cancer! Women with the highest levels of ann estrogen-like compound found in soy are 65% less likely to develop breast cancer than women with the lowest levels. Check with your doctor before adding soy to your diet.

3. Smile more! It's an instant facelift! Repeatedly contracting your facial muscles makes them stroner, helping your skin stay firmer.

4. Roll over! Sleeping on your tummy and pressing your face into the pillow can create creases. Try sleeping on your back.

5. Sip water! Staying hydrated is key to keeping skin smooth and elastic. Drink 8 glasses of 8 ounces of water a day.


6. Relax and notice the unexpected! Lucky people see unexpected opportunities while unlucky people can be so focused on a task they don't notice anything else. Unlucky people are generally more tense, which disrupts their ability to notice the unexpected. When you feel yourself too absorbed in something, take 3 deep breaths. The extra oxygen goes right to your brain, making you more mentally aware.


7. Avoiding a D-ficiency!
Vitamin D protects against several types of cancer diabetes, arthritis, osteoporosis, heart disease and back pain. Can also ward off the blue feelings that come with PMS, seasonal affective disorder and depression!

jokes

1. Eating Strawberries

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A child playing in front of his house saw him and called, "What are you hauling?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the child.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the child advised him.

"We put sugar and cream on them."


2. Visiting Australia

These are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/ gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

3. Truths About Life, learned by young children...

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3 year-old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

8. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a breath mint.

9. Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time.

10. School lunches stick to the wall.

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

12. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts - no matter how cute the underwear is.


4. Marriage Vows

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."

And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoctAR61U28

Good old 80's music. I'll just get stuck in my head and have to either sing or hum.

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Of all the pipers, none was as amazing as the blind man Paddy Connor. Paddy could not see, but he could play the pipes reels and jigs and marches, fast or slow. And no one but Paddy Connor had this power: The moment he played his first note, nobody could keep from dancing. Young and old, big and small no matter who heard Paddy's pipes, their feet would start tapping, and a moment later those feet were dancing fast and furious. Nobody could stop dancing until Paddy stopped playing his pipes. In every village, Paddy played for fairs and weddings and parties, and Paddy's mother was always there, for she feared her son might get lost on his way. So Paddy and that old mother of his traveled together, and happy they were - until one day when everything changed. It was at Ballinskellig Bay. A lovely evening it was, and the party was as fine as those views of the mountains and sea. Paddy began to play, and naturally everyone began to dance, and on and on they went for hours into the night. Even that mother of Paddy's, old as she was, was dancing as joyfully as all the girls, and Paddy himself danced that night. Then somebody noticed an amazing sight down on the strand.

Out there on that narrow beach, the creatures of the sea were leaping out of the water. It seems it was the sound of the beautiful music that drew them, for they lept onshore and began to dance. Crabs spun on their claws, and crayfish and lobsters twisted. Cod curtsied, and turbot and flounder were twirling while mackerel were whirling. Skate and sole began to spring and swing. The shore was thick with oysters clacking their shells like castanets. Earth and sea seemed joined, with everyone dancing together to the sound of Paddy's pipes. Suddenly up from the waves rose a woman with long, streaming hair the color of the sea. Her teeth were like pearls, her lips red as coral, her gown made of foam and rows of seaweed. The beauty danced up to Paddy and whispered to him: "Paddy Connor, I'm the lady who lives in the sea. "Come down with me, Paddy Connor, come and marry me." Paddy was enchanted by her bubbly voice. He danced closer and heard the maiden say: "King of the fish is what you'll be

"If you come down and marry me." "No one plays pipes like you, my Paddy "Come into the sea, love, and marry me." Now Paddy loved the lady's poetry. He glowed as he listened to her compliments, while their feet kept moving. Fish surrounded them, and Paddy heard those clacking castanets, and he knew he didn't dare stop playing, for nobody knows what fish will do when they are angry. Besides, he loved this dancing, and he loved the lady's voice. He didn't want her ever to leave. "Marry me, Paddy the piper, come down to the sea. "You shall be king of the fishes, for you are meant for me, and I for thee."

When Paddy's mother saw him dancing with the green-haired lady, she called out: "Paddy, stop! Come back to your sweet old mother. Get away from that scaly lady!" But Paddy turned and called to his mother, "I'm going to marry her!" The poor old woman's heart began to pound as she imagined terrible things to come. What if they had a child? Then she would be a grandmother to a cod or a crab, and oh, heavens, what if she wound up eating her own dear grandchild? "Come back to your mother!" she cried, rushing forward, for by then Paddy had reached water's edge, and a great wave was rising. But, of course, Paddy could not see it. "Paddy, come back!" his mother cried, tears rolling down her cheeks. Now Paddy turned toward his mother's voice, for he didn't like to hear her so sad. "Mother, I'll be the king of the fish!" he cried.

"Don't leave me, son. I fear for you!" "I'll be happy!" Paddy called, "and to prove I'm fine, I'll send a sign on the 12th of the month. I promise you that, Mother dear!" But Paddy never said another word because the green-haired lady saw the wave was about to swallow him, and so she covered him as if she were a great foaming cloak. The wave curled over, and they were gone. A moment later, the place was silent - the pipes had stopped - and everyone ceased dancing as they watched that big wave burst upon the strand. When it crashed upon the shore, the wave let out a roar so loud, everyone in County Kerry heard it. The next month, on the 12th day, a piece of burned wood rolled ashore beside Paddy's house, so all the villagers knew Paddy had kept his word, and he was fine. It was a strange thing to send as a sign to his mother, but for more than 100 years, on the 12th of each month, another piece of wood rolled ashore in that very same spot. After a while nobody paid much attention, and poor Paddy's mother did not live to see even that first sign of her son. You see, she was so afraid of eating her grandchild, she died right after the dance.

But seafarers tell tales of a sound they sometimes hear off Kerry's coast. When the night is still and the water calm, they hear the sound of pipes coming from the sea. They say they hear Paddy Connor's voice, too, singing of his love for his fair lady of the sea.

Sad story. I'm guessing she was a mermaid. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful week.

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2. To attract luck, wear forest green
People associate green with wealth, money, good luck, confidence and a nurturing personality and instantly feel more positive about the person wearing it.

3. Stick to the magic sleep number
It's 7! People who snooze at least that long typically have longer life spans.

4. Socializing more to fend off illness
Chatting with people you like and trust wards off depression, which is study proven to weaken the immune system. People who keep their social calendar full are 22 % lees likely to die young than loners.

5. Enjoying a hobby to keep cells young
All works an no play rapidly age cells, making them more vulnerable to disease. Doing something enjoyable for 30 minutes daily reduces your risk of early death by 40%

6. Halving your risk of heart woes by doing this
Excercising and or/drinking wine! Peope who don't do either have a 30% to 49% higher risk of heart isease than people who do one or both.

7. Eating like a Greek to age gracefully
Those who enjoy the mosty Mediterranean fare such as fruits, vegetables, beans, fish, bread, olive oil and wine live the longest.

Jokes

1. How Smart Are You?

(Passing requires 4 correct answers...)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Quiz Answers:

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course.


2. Memories and Good Fortune

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you,Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it,they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totaled fifty thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,and knock on the door. "Pardon me,but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying.She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well,when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here!!!"


3. Man and Wife

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.


4. Problem Solving

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside.

The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Here's one of my favorite anime ending songs. Oh what fond memories I have of watching Inuyasha late at night never mind the fact that I had to get up at 5 A.M. for school back than.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIoDWTF0qSo

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2. Soothe sore muscles with yucca!
The root of the yucca plant has been dubbed "nature's own cortisone" for it's power to relieve pain and discomfort brought on by arthritis and muscle aches. Credit goes to its saponins, anti-inflammatories that block toxins that worsen arthritis. A study of arthritis sufferers found 70% had less pain, stiffness and swelling after takin yucca. No negative side effect. Find yucca-root capsules at health-food stores.

3. Ease anxiety! Look at a babbling brook!
Gazing at scenes of water like a stream, leaves subjects feeling soothed.

4. Tune up your liver and defy heart disease!
Folks who enjoy choline-rich diets are less likely to ever develop liver problems such as fatty liver disease. Choline helps transport and dispose of excess cholesterol, preventing the fat from being store inside liver cells. Choline also helps cleasnse the liver of toxins nourhishing and strenthenin this hard-working organ.

5. Talk to yourself!
Telling yourself you're lucky makes you more likely to be that way! Lucky people are optimists which makes them more likely to take chances. Tell yourself you're lucky 5 times a day.

6. Fishy way to cut eczema risk
Serving babies just one portion of fish before nine months of age may drop their risk of developing this dry-skin isease by 25%.

7. Heading off plaque with ibuprofen!
People who use ibuprofen regularly years are less likely to develop Alzheimiers than those who don't.

Jokes:

1. The Manager

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it.

One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"


2. Eye Surgery

Working in an ophthalmology practice that specializes in LASIK surgery, I am expected to comfort nervous patients. But prior to one operation, the patient was so nervous she was actually shaking.

Nothing I said to her would comfort her so after the doctor finished on the first eye and before he began on the second I wanted her to know the surgery was going well.

There, I said, patting her hand reassuringly, "Now you only have one eye left."

3. Art Supply

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

4. Luggage

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

Until next week, take care.

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Jokes:

1. Honorary Degree

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree."

The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"

The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*."

"For your horse???"

"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

"But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution."

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees."

A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep.

One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved."

The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."

The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"

"Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."




2. Thoughts to Ponder

Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

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If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

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All of us could take a lesson from the weather; it pays no attention to criticism.

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Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

---

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


3. Play on Words

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes in verse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. When she got married, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat miner.

11. When your clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

14. You will feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into a song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours ...and it 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory.. which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear will suffer the agony of defeat.



4. Computa-holic 12-Step Program

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Breathe:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16fqjzkGLXg&feature=youtu.be

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1. Wash with a soap-free cleanser
Natural oils on the skin's surfcae create a protective anti-wrinkle sealant by locking in moisture. Regular soaps strip this barrier.


2. Sleep face up to keep skin smooth
Sleeping on your stomach or side can contribute to lines and creases on your chin and cheeks, since skin gets crumpled against the pillow.


3. Quit smoking to stop sagging
Research shows that smokers tend to have more wrinkles on their entire body not just the face. Quit and you stop the cellula damage that puts the agging process into overdrive.


4. Don sunglasses to avoid squinting
Overworking the muscles around your eyes leads to fine lines and crow's-feet. Shield your eyes from sunlight to dodge the crinkles.


5. Choose moisturizers with AHAs
Alpha hydroxy acids help slough off the skin's dead surface cells. And that's not all: They also repair broken collagen, creating skin that's tighter and tauter.


6. Drink up to plump lines
Almost three-quarters of skin is water, which is why dehydration often shows up on the surface of your face. The best way to avoid this "prune" effect: Down eight 8-oz glasses of fluids daily.


On to the jokes


1. Interesting Ads and Signs, Part I

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last

Stock up and save. Limit: one

We build bodies that last a lifetime

See ladies blouses. 50% Off!

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!


2. Interesting Ads and Signs, Part II

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.

Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.


3. Ice Fishing

There were two good ol' boys from Alabama, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."


4. Flight Time

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

That's all for now, thank you for reading and have a wondeful week.

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3. OJ keeps men's bones healthly.
Men with the highest vitamin C intake lose less bone as they age than men who get very little C. Researchers discovered no such link in women.

4. Potatoes prevent pressure problems.
Eat 3 servings daily of potassium-rich foods a good single serving is one baked potato or one cup of tomato sauce and you may never get high blood pressure.

5. Stop smoking tip for moms to be.
Smoking ups the risk of stillbirth by 46%. Luckily, using nicotine-replacement patches or gum to quit during pregnancy won't increase the risk of stillbirth too.

On to the jokes. No, the jokes I post aren't ranchy, but that does not mean that they are not funny.

1. "Thinking "Out of the Box"

Many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant' debt if he could marry the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender's wife and her father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant's garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant's garden. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers.

What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way.


2. Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that critter on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!!!"


3. The Army

A man was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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4. Playpen

The young mom was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So she bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," the young mother said.

"I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"

Thank you for reading. Have a wonderful week and be postitive.

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exhausted. "Let's rest awhile," said the farmer, and the others thankfully agreed. They lay their bags upon the ground and sat down to rest, though they had many more miles to travel. "What have we brought to eat?" the lamp maker asked. "I'm starving." At that the rug man looked up. "Oh my," he said, alarmed. "I forgot to pack food." The lamp man frowned. "So have I." But the farmer smiled. "Never fear," he said, "my wife packed a sack we can share." With great pleasure, he reached into his bags and pulled out the sack. As he opened it, the others' mouths began to water, but to their dismay, the farmer pulled out of the sack only a small roasted chicken. The farmer reached inside to see what else his wife had packed, but to his disappointment there was

nothing. "It isn't much," he said sadly. "I could swallow that chicken whole!" said the lamp man. "Me too," the rug man agreed. All three men stared with longing at that little chicken. It smelled so good that they could almost taste the juicy meat in their mouths. Their eyes grew wider, their stomachs growled, and they wondered desperately what to do. How good that chicken would taste! After a while, the rug man said, "What would the wise men advise us?" They thought about the three wise men in their village. They could almost see them - three old men with long, gray beards and quiet eyes, sitting silently in their dark study, pondering. The farmer yawned and said, "The wise men always think for a long time before reaching any decision." "That they do," said the

rug man, and he leaned against his sack of rugs, trying to imagine how to think like a wise man. "They're silent when they think," said the farmer. The three nodded, and there, in the quiet, resting their aching limbs, they felt sleepiness overtaking them. "I know what to do," said the farmer. "We'll take a nap, and we shall dream. Whichever one of us dreams the most wonderful dream will eat the chicken." "Perfect!" said the other two. "A splendid idea." They already were half-asleep, and each man loved to dream. They leaned back against their goods and closed their eyes. Soon the top of the mountain was perfectly silent, the only sound the rustling leaves moved by a brisk winter wind, and the breathing of men. Now the rug man began to smile, for he was

dreaming of life on the moon, and the lamp man smiled too as he lapsed into a dream of heaven. They dreamed happily for a while, but presently the loud grunting and snoring sounds woke all three. They sat up straight. The lamp man was the first to speak. "I'm sure I've won," he said. "I dreamed that I was on the moon, warmed by the brightest, whitest light, and I looked down upon the Earth and knew that I was at peace forever, perfectly happy." "Oh no," said the rug man. "The moon sounds good, but I'm afraid my dream was better still. I dreamed I was in heaven surrounded by angels, the only sound their exquisite voices, the only smells those of fragrant flowers, the only feeling everywhere, joy." The two men turned to look at the farmer, whose smile

was even brighter and wider than their own. "What was your dream?" they asked, longing to know what could be better than a life in heaven or a life on the moon. "Well, I am amazed hearing your tales," said the farmer. "You see, I couldn't fall asleep, and so I opened my eyes and watched you, and when I saw that one of you was on the moon and the other in heaven, and when I realized how lovely those worlds were, I knew you would never wish to return to this Earth. That's why I ate the whole chicken." The rug man and the lamp man looked into the sack, and sure enough it was empty. With their stomachs growling, they then understood the power of dreams - a power that can change things in the real world.

Jokes:

1. Word Contest

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are some of the selected results.

-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

-- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

-- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

-- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

-- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

-- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

-- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.

-- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


2. Marvin

Marvin the Complainer and his wife happened to pass away on the same day and as they await their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they're approached by an angel.

"Hello," says the angel. "I'm your host, and welcome to Heaven. In a few moments you'll be entering through our famous Pearly Gates for the most fantastic adventure you've ever experienced. You'll have a chauffeur driven limousine service anywhere in the universe, plus deluxe accommodations at our luxury hotel with all the amenities -- pool, Jacuzzi, indoor tennis courts, and more. Then after your day of relaxation, dine at any of our 5-star restaurants savoring the finest of any cuisine known to man."

At this point, Marvin gives his wife a shove in the ribs with his elbow. "If it wasn't for you and that stupid oat bran, we'd have been here ten years ago!"


3. Dinner Party

At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."

As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"



4. Hearing Problems...

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Thank you for reading and have a wonderful week.

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2. Bad dreams are good for you.
Ordinary bad dreams (upsetting or downbeat dreams, but not nightmares) appear to help us sort out and cope with negative emotions.


3. This shot protects against heart disease.
People diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes or high cholesterol can halve their odds of a heart attack by getting vaccinated against bacterial pneumonia.

4. Sunning helps moms-to-be!
Pregnant women who get 15 minutes a day of sun expsure (without sunscreen) during their last trimester maynhave children with stonger bones. Sunlight boosts vitamin D levels, which helps calcium build bones.

5. Which is the best mouthwash?
Rinses that contain antibacterials, such as cetylpyridinium (Crest Pro-Health) or chlorhexidine (prescription Peridex, Petrograd) as well as products made with odor neutralizing chlorine dioxide (ProFresh) or zinc (Thera-breath Plus, Tom's of Main Natural MouthwASH) are the most affective against bad breath.

6. Male fertility warning
Commonly prescribed antidepressants (SSRIs like Pax and Prozac) may damage the DNA in some men's sperm scientists report.

1. Golfing on Sunday

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


2. Commuting

This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter.

"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think your transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter"

The Reply to the above:

"Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways"

And the Counter-Reply was:

"Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town 'seated' on his donkey... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years! Yours truly, A Long 'Standing' Commuter"


3. Did I Read That Sign Right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


4. Fast Old Ladies

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

That's all for now. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful week.

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1. Toska (Russian) Vladimir Nabokov described it best. "No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spirtual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels, it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular causes, it may be the desire for somebody or something specific, nostalgia, lovesickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom."

2. Mamihlapinatapei (Yahgan, one of several indigenous languages of Tierra del Fuego) the wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start.

3. Jayus (Indonesian) a joke so poorly told and so unfunny that one cannot help but laugh.

4. Iktsuarpok (Inuit) to go outside to check if anyone is coming.

5. Tartle (Scottish) the act of hesitating while introducing someone because you've forgotten his name.

6. Cafun  (Brazillian Portuguese) the act of tenderly running one's fingers through someone's hair.

7. Torschlusspanik (German) translates literally as "gate-closing panic," but its contextual meaning refers to the fear of diminishing opportunities as one ages.

8. Tingo (Pascuense, Easter Island) It is hoped that this isn't a word you'd need often: the act of taking objects one desire from the house of a friend by gradually borrowing all of them.

Jokes

1. Questioning Faith...

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"

Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"

During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.

The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"

The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."

Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."


2. The things babies say...

"Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."

My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."

Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!"

While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?"

Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, " I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."

His mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy, he gulped, "You already have a son -- me!"

When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!"


3. Wedding and Golf?

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"



4. The Crater

As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"

Never forget 9/11.

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1. Act younger and you'll look younger!
One of the biggest factors in looking young is feeling young-and that's directly related to your energy levels. two nutrients short-circuit the drop in pep that typically occurs with age: the amino acid acetyl L-carnitine and the antioxidant alpha lipoic acid. Supplementing with this combo helps repair age-related changes in the mitochondria of cells, which in turn, fire up the body's energy reserves.


2. Cinnamon instantly plumps lips!
You can achieve a beautiful bee-stung look just by dabbing on a natural skin stimulant:cinnamon! Its tingly properties cause tiny blood vessels to dilate, plump the skin and smooth fine lines. But does this trick subtract years? Our lips naturally thin as we age.

3. This cream takes years off your hands!
The skin on the backs of your hands is a bigger giveaway to your true age than the skin on your face. Scientists have discovered the best treatment for keeping that area soft and supple: Slathering on a cream made with glycolic acid which quickens the rate of cell rejuvention, decreases wrinkles and increases collagen and retinyl palmitate- which hydrates your skin and reduces the appearance of age spots. Hands adorned with rings were rated as younger looking by observers than those that were bare.

4. Nature's youth vitamin shaves off years!
In one study, women who consumed the most vitain C rich foods- such as orange juice, citrus fruits and tomatoes had fewer laugh lines, crow's-feet and less age related dryness than the rest of the study participants! Vitamin C is a potent antioxidant that protects against the destructive effects of free radicals and even reverse damage they may already have caused. Add guava to your daily diet. Or mix guava nectar with orange juice.

Jokes

1. Ham Dinner

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

2. Turkey Football

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

3. Wisedom

-- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

-- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

-- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

-- Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

-- I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!

-- I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff

4. Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name

Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., The Incredible Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.

Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Super Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.

Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.

Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman, Captian Invincible on a good day.

But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful- Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.

Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g.,Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Sweetiepie.

Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.

It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.

Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.

Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.

Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.

Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.

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Jokes

1. A Letter to My Dogs

Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Sincerely,
Your Overwhelmed Owner


2. Blue 56

A man goes to the doctor to find out about his tests. "It's real bad, I'm afraid", says the doc "you've got a disease so new that it hasn't even got a name yet - we just call it 'Blue 56'. The only certain thing is that you'll be dead in three days"

Naturally the guy is devastated, and goes into a big depression. His girlfriend suggests they go to Vegas to cheer him up just a bit till the end comes. So he goes reluctantly. As he walks into the Casino, he's the millionth customer and wins a brand new Rolls Royce. Then he pulls the handle of a slot machine as he passes, and wins the golden jackpot of $7m. He sits down for a rest at the Blackjack table and wins $100,000 - straight 21's and he can't even be bothered to turn the cards. Weighed down with money, he throws it onto the nearest table. But it's the roulette wheel and the money is on 22 - which promptly comes up!

"Jeez," says the croupier, "I never seen luck like that in my whole life!"

"No, you don't understand" says the guy "I've got blue 56"

"Woahhhh! Now you've won the raffle!!"


3. Rules for Good Housekeeping

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.


4. The Pub

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets his beer and begins to drink it when he notices that the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.

The bartender is mad, and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

The next day the man is back, and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill.

The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill.

The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub.

The bartender says, "Here is your damn change."

The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out ten dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"

Have a wonderful week.

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1.To motivate a student.
Send hydrangeas! Know someone going off to college this fall? Give them a hydrangea! In asian cultures, hydrangeas represent enlightenment and the acquistion of knowledge. Looking at cool hues like blue and green helps you feel less stress, which boosts concentration.

2. To give the perfect housewarming gift.
Send a chryanthemum! The chrysanthemum is a popular present for homeowners, because it represents stability. It's gold color really does make people feel optimistic: Research shows the bright shade, which we instinctively connect with the sun, promotes a sense of personal satisfaction!

3. To say get well soon.
Send a hibiscus! Asian healers thought the exotic hibiscus had the special ability to cure disease. When the hisbiscus' antioxidant-rich flowers are made into tea, they've been roven to lower cholesterol and blood pressure, speed wound healing and even destroy tumors. Just being around it lowers stress and boosts immunity!

4. To say good luck.
Send Irises! In eastern cultures, the three upright petals and drooping sepals represent faith, valor and wisdom. Which is why they're often given before a new endeavor or journey. The most common color of irises really does help you reach your goals. Looking at purple and violet increases the frequency of theta waves the brain waves linked to creativity and resourcefulness!

5. To help a friend through a rough spell
Send an orchid! In a study, seniors receiving flowers felt so empowered by the gift, they subsequently increased their contact with neighbors and friends! Since orchids are among the longest lasting flowers, they give recipients a cheery boost day after day!

6. To congratulate a new mother.
Send peonies! The peony is a metaphor in both China and Japan for female beauty, fertility and reproduction. The blossom is also associated with peace and prosperity. In the east children are considered your riches into the next generation! The peony's sweet scent was proven to reduce anxiety which can affect a new mom's mood. A bouquet of aromatic peonies may also help even out the normal mood swings associated with post-partum hormonal dips!

7. To celebrate an anniversary.
Send red carnations! Throughout the east the carnation signifies love, respect and gratitude among the family members. Red is the asian color of longevity! Research shows people who receive flowers are more affectionate and inclined to reach out to others, and the color studies show seeing red makes us feel passionate and boosts heart and breathing rates!

Jokes

1. Calls to Call Centers

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".

---

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?.

Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

---

There was a caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: Woven?. Are you sure?.

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland".

---

Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please".

Operator: "Where are you calling from?".

Caller: "The living room".

---

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

---

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?".

Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?".

---

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

---

British Rail

Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?"

Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free."

---

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".


2. Long Shot...

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.

The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.

So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.

He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..."


3. Dog Wisdom...

1) The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous

2) Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers

3) If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

4) There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams

5) A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings

6) We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam

7) Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud

8) I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner

9) A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley

10) Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry

11) Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones

12) If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown

13) My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein

14) Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler

15) Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

16) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx

17) Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman

18) If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

19) Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

20) If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. -Phil Pastoret

21) My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am. -- an OleHoss


4. Mistakes...

"Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it?

First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice.

If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"

~ George Carlin.

I said that I would share my music with all of you. Here's a link to my profile.

http://www.last.fm/user/shiningechidna

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