Gameplay: 2
Graphics: 3
Sounds: 3
Value: 2
Tilt: 1
Actual score: 1.9
- · Not an ounce of imagination
- · Simply picking up people then dropping them off
- · The bonuses are more of a hindrance – avoid them
- · At least there’s no bugs that I can see however the game is so simple, it shouldn’t be
There is this age old saying that ‘if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all’ – well that may be good in certain situations however there are some situations where we need to stand up for our rights, no matter how punishing it maybe. Heck, it’s for the good of the nation and maybe even the human race. So I’m boldly going to stand up here and say ‘River Rescue’ is nothing more than a joke, a disgrace for the gaming community; a complete basket case where there is no shame ripping off other games to make a quick buck or two. Heck I don’t even think anyone bought this game (besides me) – oh well, I guess I’m the loser here.
The blurb on the cover mentioned about navigating through treacherous waters saving explorers and waiting for a SOS to send them in or something like that. I tell you my version – you control to what I believe is a boat – you are navigating by either shooting / dodging crocodiles, canoes that looks like floating logs and islands to save people. Your boat is armed with a single fire missile of some sort that one hit can take out a crocodile and three shots is required to take out the floating log, looking canoe thingy.
After about ten seconds of doing that, there will be a parking bank of sorts where the top is where you can pick up an explorer and the bottom is where you can drop them off. A maximum of nine explorers can be picked up however you need to go on a river run to pick up another one. However three is enough to go to the next level yet if you pick up five and drop all of them without dying, a bonus will apply and some stupid glowing rods (?) appear the moment you leave. Park between them (which incidentally is almost impossible to do) gives you super speed – other words, your boat will glow and travel extremely fast.
So my question here is why on earth is this a bonus where the river’s inhabitants are procedurally generated? It’s bad enough to dodge / shoot without going full speed as some of the inhabitants (crocs / canoes / islands) can all be clumped up together where there’s absolutely no chance to dodge / shoot them. And this is what they called a bonus? Look, if you happen to save five lives in one hit, just avoid this glowing thing, it’s not worth the hassle – seriously.
So to control the boat is simply moving your joystick up / down / left and right. Press the trigger to fire. However here comes another insanely stupid idea – if you move the joystick right, your boat speeds up and left to slow down. Now let me rephrase this – right is to move your boat towards the middle of the screen and left to do nothing (unless you are in the middle to begin with and if this is the case, then you move back). Granted you earn more points once your boat is at the middle of the screen however, like that other ‘bonus’ (the one where you need to save five lives), why bother as the extra points earned is not worth the risk (unless you want to end the game quickly however if you choose to do that, pull the cartridge out – it’s quicker that way).
Also this ‘level’ thing, the one where the blurb states you need to save three to go to the ‘next level’ – I think that’s a load of hogwash as there is no levels; if there is, there’s no way to tell on the screen. Yet I know that if you have around four or more explorers in your boat, then a helicopter arrives and drops mines in the river. You can shoot them away however they are usually clumped among crocodiles so good luck in doing just that.
Now if you manage to get this far, there should be alarm bells ringing – helicopters dropping bombs / saving people / a boat that fire a missile from the front…ok, for the obtuse, let me spell it out for you – Spyhunter / Choplifter and River Raid. Man, this game is so devoid of creativity it hurts way too much. Even the game's title is shameless – River Raid / River Rescue. Look, if you want to play this game, go for it – I’m stepping far away from this imprudent game. It’s a shame that publisher Thorn EMI took this on board (as they mainly deal with music) however it seems that everyone wants a piece of the video game industry. What’s next – a dog food company making games?