Fair enough about the meme thing! I try to be as discreet as possible so that people who don't know what the meme is wouldn't be able to tell, while people who do know about it can get a kick out of it. I'll never just blatantly throw one into the text.

iloveflash

I can agree with your policy, but I think you failed here. My main objection is that it seems weird in context. Imagine if it was any other spell and you were not making a reference. Don't you think this dialogue segment is a bit odd?

"What was the name of that new spell again?"

"Do you even fireball." 

On larger, I might be confused, but I thought it was the go to synonom for weighs more in documentaries and quizzes.

"Taurs. Lupies. Swynoars. Crocjaws. And...he gulped. Bearthaws." 

Am I right to assume that those beastie resemble ox, wolves, boars, crocodiles and bears, respectively. 

    Garruh! Hurr! 

I guess it is an original way of writing it, the narration being cut-off, but I just find it jarring since I have no context for who the narrator is. 

Reading i), here are my thoughts:

Most days, Viviana said, not really affirming his words.

I'm probably making this mistake a lot myself, but this line kinda underestimates the reader. It is quite obvious by her choice of words that she isn't really affirming his statement and you don't need to point it out.

"some spoke of gratuitous torture, others said they could somehow get into your head like human lie-detectors that decided what was the truth and what wasnt."

The word decided leads to some confusion. I'm assuming you mean they could discover the truth, but it could also mean they brainwashed their victims and altered what they perceived as true.

I hope you don't get tired of me saying this, but excellent dialogue in this chapter. It also ends on a good, intriguing note. 

Stopped at chapter 8, but never posted my impressions. I'll get to 11. Out of curiosity, what are the Norwegian (or what is the language, I am ignorant) words for some of your characters' names? People like Spear, Knife, Rose, Pearl? I'm wondering if you can keep them in their native language, and how it might look/read.Sharpie125

Let me see:

Sivia and Fiola are the Norwegian names (Siv meaning heather, Fiol meaning Violet). I couldn't make myself change those. Rose is also the same because the Norwegian word for rose is spelled the same.

Spear - Spyd

Knife - Kniv

River - Elv

Rock - Klippe (litterally translates to Cliff, I just thought that name fit his character badly)

Fox - Rev

Care - Urte (translates to herb - not a good female name)

Erla - Erle

Pearl - Perle

Phedina - Svale (translates to swallow, but I didn't want to encourage those jokes)

Oak - Eik

Spring - Vaar (I write aa because GS won't let me use the actual letter)

In other news, chapter 12.1 of part 3.3 is now updated.

QUESTION:

You might want to read the chapter before reading this question. I have finished all the six timelines springing out of part 3.3 and while I had thought to translate them in the same order I wrote them, I'm realizing that it isn't strictly necessary, so I want to hear your oponion. Which timelines do you want first, bearing in mind:

4.5 is the story of Sivia and the army marching towards Arderian. With a word count of 57k it is waaaaay longer than I intended (I wanted each part of each timeline to be roughly 10k words at average). This is the one I had thought to translate before I considered that you might want the shorter ones first. Parts 5.9 and 5.10 are at average 2k words long

4.6 is the story of Sivia helping 79 with his personal vendetta. Word count 10k. Parts 5.11 and 5.12 are at average 9k.

4.7 is Sivia and Fiola's story. Word count 5k. Parts 13 and 14 are at average 3k. 

"The Agents craned their necks as a beastie ten times larger than the largest Taur rose out of the pit"

I don't have much to say about chapter 17 and 18. A good settle in between battles chapter followed by a good action chapter. Out of curiosity though: Does ten time larger mean it weighs ten times as much or that it is ten times taller?

Reading time, it's reading time. Hey, everybody it's reading time!

I re-read chapter 14 and:

"Do you even lift"

I'm not a big fan of using memes in stories set in different worlds. It just makes no sense in context. I for one was just annoyed when I discovered Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan were named after Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan.

Chapter 15 and 16:

I wonder. Did I misunderstand Noa last time or is she a lot less fearsome in this draft? I remember her as pretty evil and insanely powerful last time around, but in this draft I'm not sure if I should be rooting for her or not.

On the art of differnt languages: I don't like how it is being used here. I am much more of a fan of using a couple words in the language, maybe with an explanation of what it means, and maybe its meaning is something that no English word quite covers. When such a word is used, it shows the significance of a particular virtue, tradition, value etc among the people whose language it is.

My main issue with the way it is used here, is that after a while I don't care and just want to read the translation. When that happens, it is annoying how I have to skip a third of a line, read a third of the line, skip next third and so on. It is alright the way it is first used, that is.

"Text in alternate language," character said. "Same text translated to English."

It just becomes annoying in a large paragraphs. I'd rather you gathered all the AL speech at the start of the paragraph, followed by the translation, but that still wouldn't be perfect. So I'm more a fan of making it clear that they're actually talking in their language, but then right the whole paragraph in English anyway.

Two more chapters up in part 3.3 

 

Also, the main building (the nursery?) wasn't very properly described. I couldn't figure out if it was a tent or open-ceiling building or what. 

iloveflash

I thought the word building implied solid materials and a roof, so I didn't think further clarification was necessary. 

[quote="wazelda"]

Generals dont have the hardest tasks, Fiola said.

iloveflash

And now I see why it is possible for Sivia to become a general in this story. In real-life generals are...well, smart. Experienced. On top of having the morale thing down. In this story they just need battle strength and morale. I'm all for battle strength, though, so I'll stop complaining. But perhaps you could incorporate "better intelligence" into the list of godsblood powers to add plausibility to this idea?

You might not want to take everything Fiola says as a fact about the world. You know how the people who only know a little bit about something often seem more certain than people who knows a lot about the same? 

Also! I'm pretty sure Rose was the one flirting with Spear and acting skanky, not Linda. You should double-check that in part 2.2. (I'm not checking because I want to test whether I'm remembering things correctly) 

iloveflash

Damn you for making me double check when you're wrong. 

Finally summer. Time to dive right in:

Read the Cautious Realist part. Just to be clear, those are new characters, right? I'm not supposed to remember ay of them? I thought it had goon tension building and character development. I don't have much more to say about it. 

"Who in their right mind would name their son Knife."

Actually, wrong. While it hasn't been made clear so far in the story, the naming convension of the Esters goes like this: The name ceremony is a rite of passage where a person comes of age and chooses a new name. Your birthname is just your parrents name (mom's name if you're a girl, dad's if you're a guy) with a couple letters added. So Sivia's mother is named Siv while Fiola and Fioli are daughters of Fiol (Norwegian word for Violet). Except from Fiola and Sivia, who are still underage (by less than one year) everyone in the army has picked their own names. As you might have picked up on, it is quite common to have names that are also common nouns.

So his parents didn't name him Knife. That said, if he had a son it would probably be named Knifer untill it grew up. 

"Candidate U 37 is a much more likeable character than Extremely Whiny Sivia. Mainly because she's no longer whining. If you were to start a second draft with the story focusing on this arc, the tryout for the army would be a great starting place, and then you can do a bit of flashbacks here and there to Extremely Whiny Sivia (henceforth referred to as EWS)."

I wanted her past self to be properly established first. I would consider shortening part 2.2 for a second draft though. 

"This is the second time you pointed out that Fiola has sizeable breasts and Sivia has a wasteland. But my right hand is currently too tired to appreciate any of that, so you lose this round."

Your right hand might enjoy part 5.13... Which is probably about hal a year away from translation. MO HA HA:twisted: 

"I feel like I should feel sorry for Fiola for not making the cut. I kind of want to, actually, now that Candidate U 37 has appeared in the story and surpassed her in ability. Please toss in a few lines in the story where Fiola is frustrated, so I can feel frustrated with her."

Why would you assume its not already in the story. I mean, come on. 

"Where are these recruits coming from? Also, the story hasn't really elaborated on what the Ester Army is doing there in...where are they? Land of the Ards? Neutral territory? Does this region, Sivia's homeland, have a name?"

So, my philosophy has been that some details you will pierce together yourself the more you read, but here is a quick explanation.

The Esters live in Estrana, with the capital Liseria and the holy city Esteria while the Ards live in Ardera, whose capital is Arderian. There is no neutral zone between them, unless you count the river of godsblood itself, which is surrounded by a wall on both sides. The training camp (named Vehaka as you'll later find out) is located not too far away from three different villages. It is also pretty close to the holy city while not being too far away from the trade road, so they can join up with the capital's forces if they decide to launch an offensive.

In other news, chapter 9 is up. 

Oh man, I sat through the credits, and at the start of the credits they appeared to be mocking me by putting giant spaces between each name.

I agree, the movie is phenomenal. As far as the twist go, I still think they could write around it if they want to.