Yesterday was the worst day of my life. It started out like any other day, but the night will forever be etched into my mind.
At 6:30 PM, my lovely dog Becky started acting strangely. She'd been fine all day (and all week, month, year, etc. for that matter), but all of a sudden something was very wrong. I had a horrible feeling about it. She wasn't eating, she wasn't drinking, she was breathing heavily, her nose was the driest it'd ever been, she was visibly uncomfortable, and she wasn't interacting with me at all. I knew that something was horribly wrong, but I didn't know what it could be. She'd recently had a check-up with the veterinarian, and they said that she was incredibly healthy, especially for her age (11.5 years old).
Well, I did everything that I could to make her comfortable. I tried to give treats to her, I tried to make her drink water (even by putting some on my fingers and trying to let her lick it off), I cuddled with her... I did everything that I could. I tried to give aspirin to her after I'd done enough research to see how much dogs can handle. My dad called emergency vets but received no answers. I brought my laptop out to the living room and sat on the couch and watched her, hoping that she was just having an upset stomach or something.
At around 7:45 PM, she sort of crawled over to me. I pet her and picked her up and held her. A few minutes later, she suddenly heaved her last breaths and died.
It hurts so much to type this out. I've done nothing but cry and drink since last night. I am absolutely beside myself. Some people brush dogs and cats off as merely 'pets' and they don't really form any emotional bonds with those 'pets,' but I am far from one of those people. My dog was a family member and a best friend. She was sweet, loving, adorable, funny, intelligent... I loved her more than I can express, and she quite honestly was the only thing in my life that brought me consistent and undivided happiness. I feel so empty and hollow now. This has only reinforced how pointless I feel that life is. I feel like I will never be happy again, and I don't know what to do with myself. I have lost many people before - grandparents, a friend, cousins - and I've lost another dog before, but nothing has made me this sad.
When I was 8 years old we had to put our family dog down, and while that was really difficult and painful, it at least had a sense of closure. We were doing the 'right' thing by ending her suffering, and we were all there for her in her final moments. This time around, we had no f***ing idea that this was going to happen to Becky. My mom was at work and therefore never got to say goodbye. We all thought that she had a few more years left in her due to her seemingly excellent health. Everything was okay until last night, and then it all went to hell. You can never prepare for the death of a loved one, but when it's so spontaneous and random such as it was last night, it's all the more painful. We figure that she had a heart attack, but we don't know for sure. We can't bury her for a couple of months because there's still so much snow on the ground and the ground is frozen.
Everything in this house is so painful because everything reminds me of her. She died in the living room, so being out there is painful. Walking by her full dish of food and bowl of water is painful. Seeing her toys and half-empty boxes of treats is painful. Seeing her leash hanging on a hook by the door is painful. I know that everything becomes easier with time, and I know that I ought to focus on the good things - and believe me, I have 11.5 years FULL of amazing memories with that sweet little dog - but it hurts to do that right now.
Why am I typing all of this out? I don't know.
August 1st, 1999 - February 5th, 2011