mahoney23 / Member

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fmylife

Need a Laugh?

Just wanted to post a few things from fmylife.com that I loved. Hope you enjoy :).

Today, I was walking home from work when a hobo checked me out, asking which alley I live in. FML

Today, a cute thirty-ish chick walked into the bar I work in. I asked her for her license to make her feel young. She didn't have her license on her and started yelling about how stupid it was to even ask, when she obviously was old enough to drink. She then got up and left. FML

Today, I unpacked in my new, non-air conditioned apartment wearing nothing but underwear, a tank top and an apron to stay cool. Later, I realized I'd crossed through the complex to my car and the dumpster many times, and arranged my deck overlooking the parking lot, without ever donning shorts. FML

Today, I washed my car for the first time in months. In the space between my car and tire, there was fuzzy stuff that looked like a bunch of old wasps nests. After scraping them off with my bare hands, I found out it wasn't wasps nests, but old particles of a dead animal. FML

Today, I was walking next to this building that was getting renovated, and read a sign that said "Watch out for falling debris at all times." While I was watching out for debris, I fell down a staircase. FML

Today, I found out that the chocolate sprinkles I have been using with my ice cream were not only chocolate sprinkles, but also little pieces of mice turd. Courtesy of my room-mate. FML

Today, in math **** I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

Today, my math teacher told me to learn how to say "welcome to wal-mart". FML

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

Today, I found out that the leak that has been dripping constantly on my head at work for the past 4 days is human waste from the three flats above. FML

Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML

Today, I had to get 4 stitches from a bad cut on my elbow. What was the cut from? A straw. FML

Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML

Song of the Day

Todays song is from a band that I love that mixes rock with chiptunes. The band name is I Fight Dragons and the song is called Money.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FKoplr-c1k&playnext_from=TL&videos=WM-fjWPrsBM