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jg4xchamp Blog

My new site and forum is up

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http://endlessbacklog.com/index.php/forum/index

well mostly the forum, but the site is almost there. Stop by, lets shoot the shit. Lord knows you don't really want to post on gamespot anyway.

Man This Site is Ugly

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So I don't know if anyone will read these anymore or will even find out if I type em up anymore. Gamespot's new lameass system gets rid of that nice little friends bar thing on the side that shows me all the latest blog posts. I like to think I wasn't the only one who went to blogs because of that thing, and no other f*cking reason. Because who in the blue hell looks at the rest of Gamespot's shit? You know>

Anyway this is a rant blog. Let's talk shock value.

What is shock value you may ask? Really it's just a broad term I'm using for anything in any medium that is there to just be shocking, violent, unsettling, sickening, etc. You know rape, unnecessary violence, two people f*cking for the sake of f*cking, school shootings, kids being beaten, women being beaten, torture sequences, yada yada.

Now some of you may say "I'm not a girl, so I want all of this"...Okay congrats you're not a girl. You just proved your mentally challenged or someone who's too stupid with a right to an opinion.

The problem with shock value stuff isn't about how unsettling it is, it's really about how it's used in literally all mediums. You see for all of Liquid's love and embrace for his beloved films, for all the things lit buffs love praising about the grand world of literature on Mt. Pious reality is shock value is ever used in any meaningful way other than...well shock value.

It's shallow, it's mind numbing, it's borderline stupid, it barely ever adds anything to the plot, and usually the plot would be better without it. Now I'm not saying this is universal. Of course not, grow up. All rules have an exception. Film has had its moments where films have handled rape and stuff in meaningful ways. But more often than not this shit is just cheap. Now I know what you brain dead douche apes must be asking

You brain dead douche apes: Well Champ ol wise one mr. know it all smart ass, what's the solution.

Simple do something with it. Either make a statement, make it something relevant to the plot in a meaningful way, if it's something like say torture have some commentary to go for it, but don't just throw it in there to make me go "oh man, I'm uncomfortable". Because in 2013 that shit's been done enough times that at this point we're at the "ugh....it's one of those moments".

Now some of you are reading this and thinking

YBDDA: I bet Champ is about to bitch about the GTA 5 torture sequence

And you would be wrong. I actually would defend that sequence of the game. No what actually brought this up is a medium I have gotten into heavily over the past few years. Television. Namely? Sons of Anarchy.

[img]http://seat42f.com/images/stories/tvshows/SonsOfAnarchy/Season3/Sons-of-Anarchy-Jax.jpg[/img]

You see the show has built it's reputation and legacy on shock value scenes. Kurt Sutter is obsessed with painting a world that is dark, dirty, trashy, and filled with scumbags in shitty situations. Some of you call this "realistic". I call you stupid because you are for saying this words. It's not realistic, it's overdone. You see for some stupid reason we associate "dark" written narratives as morally gray or what have you, and not black and white. But reality is that morally it's still very much in the black and white category. It's just a whole lot of black, and less white. The Wire is a show where the morality is gray, as you get all shades of the spectrum. But Sons? antiheroes and glorified dirtbags as far as the eye can see.

bad show? no because dirtbags and antiheroes can be endearing or fascinating if written correctly(take notes Rockstar). But I'm losing my train of thought here, as I'm feeling might preachy at this hour. No ladies the problem is that this show has usually lived and died on making its shocking moments stick. Sometimes it's succeeded wonderfully. There is a rape plot in the 2nd season that is handles so beautifully that I'm sure Liquid would call shens that something like that was handled so well from a TV show of all things. Why? Because we saw the character develop, respond, and it played an effective part to the major plot of the season. Yes in a way it put everything in motion for the season, but it was important as well. It didn't feel like a cheap plot device, it was earned.

This season? We got a school shooting that was nothing more than a plot device. The characters haven't reflected once on their own f*ck up in that disaster, the show brushed aside and only really mentions it to remind us that there is potential FBI heat the MC has to deal with, and the current tipping point has nothing to do with the school shooting at all. That my friends is an unsettling and manipulative sequence of pure shock value. Because it hasn't served any real purpose. And it be one thing if that was the only dumb shit they did this season, but Sutter has always had this poor habit of being an unimaginative dark writer.

His latest addition. Make two characters f*ck in front of 2 dirty cops, in prison so the 2 cops can jerk off. What does that have to do with the plot? Nothing what so ever. In fact those 2 cops? Probably won't tie into the real plot anyway, and if they go somewhere with this, it just comes off as again a lame plot device. But the kicker is, it's shock value meant to make you feel uncomfortable. But really assuming you actually have a working brain, it's just a moment where you realize clearly, there are monkeys writing for this show.

And that's really been the current Sons of Anarchy season in a nut shell. Listen I like the show, borderline love the show at times. But it's always been getting away with shaky at best writing. F*ck being one of the best shows on TV, it's not even the best show on it's network. Justified is a vastly superior show in terms of writing, themes, messages, and the first season of The Americans easily trumps any Sons of Anarchy season as far as my time is concerned. I'm also just as entertained by American Horror Story and The League as I am by Sons of Anarchy. Oh and there is Always Sunny in Philadelphia which takes horrible human beings, and makes a hilarious f*cking TV show out of it.

So what am I trying to get at? Kurt Sutter clean your shit up please, and lets get the season back on track. The plot has been middling and flailing around until something sticks, so far barely anything sticks, most of the subplots are just retreads of shit we've already seen from the show or shit we know is just going to feel drawn about because the season is 13 episodes long, and not 4 episodes long. That's all I ask. I usually get an entertaining season from Sons of Anarchy, and that ending was quite explosive(get it? you get it?). But this season requires you to be stupid to be entertained by it. I'm not against stupid entertainment, it's just Sons has usually been better than that at least.

Also as for the GTA 5 torture sequence. I don't think it's good, but I don't think it's bad either. It doesn't add anything to the plot, nor does it help paint Trevor as a character than what he already is to the player, and at best all it does is show how shady the FIB guy is. Thing is you already know how shady he is. But on one hand games usually don't show torture in unsettling ways, and for that I guess I'm giving Rockstar kudos. Kojima made them minigames, and Sam Fisher in Conviction did it for badass points. But really it's about the car ride after the sequence where Trevor runs his mouth about how torture is for the torturer. I'm willing to meet GTA 5 half way, and say that's the Houser's(specifically Dan) sharing his sentiment on torture. His stance, his opinion, his commentary on it.

In that regard? Well done technically, but on the other hand it never added anything else of worth to the plot. So hey maybe it's no worse than Sons of Anarchy's brand of shock value, but I'm willing to meet GTA 5 half way here, Sons of Anarchy? Not so much. Get your shit together. I expect less from videogames, and more from you. That's just how it is.

End Rant, go f*ck yourselves. And as always if you disagree, really it's not that I said anything wrong. It's that like my buddy Jack once said, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.

Go Team Brazil

Too Long; Didn't Read

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5EFci5BuTg

Yeah it's that time again. Your residential Beacon of Truth is here, to shine that white hot light of truth for those who need it most. In today's case it's Grand Theft Auto 5. Which I just got done beating, and I'm even going to piggyback off from someone. Hey remember I never claim to be original, just right all the time.

As always, know that your crying feeds my arrogance so please, don't bite your tongue. Spread your denial with every fiber in your being. It should be a good show. And since Justin is doing the review for endlesbacklog, and I don't have to do it. I get to be as unfiltered about my thoughts on this, without having to worry about grammar or being f*cking politically correct. Let it begin.


The Truth: Grand Theft Auto 5

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Now I'm not one to shy away from my thoughts on Rockstar. I think they are criminally overrated to the point that it is disgusting that they are given so much praise, for being somehow worse than their closest competitors. But I will meet them half way here with GTA 5. I had fun, it was a good game. I had a good time. Missions were fun, I wasn't mechanically unsatisfied, the movement was overall better, some of the controls were dumb. Which lets focus on right away.

-FREE AIM is too loose: I don't like GTA"s brand of auto combat. Metroid Prime is allowed to get away witth this because you face larger enemies with extensive health bars, and you're trying to knock the enemy down piece by piece. In GTA 5? it's a shooter, in the vein of cover shooters. No f*cking point in auto combat. Why is it there? Simple. The free aim is way too damn loose and scittery for a dual analog. It's just not snug. Compare how this game feels to a Gears of War, Uncharted 2, or a Max Payne 3 and there is a substantial difference in how the basic act of aiming and lining up shots feel. GTA 5 in that regard is behind the 8-ball a little.

You plebs: But GTA 5 isn't a cover shooter

No, stop, get that rockstar c*ck out of your throat please. It's embarrassing. Any mission that asks you to kill things in GTA 5 will ask you to shoot them 90% of the time. of that 90% of the time you need to shoot people, 100% of that time you will have to use GTA 5s cover scheme. Point? It's a cover shooter. The sandbox part is a game structure thing, it doesn't overrule mechanics. And pretending it does makes you a mentally challenged person not worthy of my spit, much less a rebuttal.

But free aim is not the most noteworthy offender here, of course there is the return of

-TAP A TO RUN: ...why is this a thing? Why is Rockstar committed to this shit? You know that makes it worse? The very opening mission of this game you can hold A, and the dude runs. But then he steps out side, and for the rest of the game it is tap A to run. It is just the lamest thing this side of...

-Cinematic Walking: I am personally amused by the people that love talking about how Uncharted is this sinful cinematic game that takes away control from the player, and GTA 5 does the exact same shit when it comes to the missions. Cinematic walking being the number one offender of worst things in modern videogames. Also not a fan of other moments the game takes control. Such as this one part where instead of landing a plane into this larger jet, I had to watch it via cutscene. Why?

-Because the controls for planes and choppers suck: Listen we just established that mowing dudes down with guns is not difficult. It's not presented as a challenge, it's not asking much of the player, the vehicles are less heavy compared to what they were in GTA 4. So why the f*ck do the choppers and planes control like doo-doo? There is this artificial sway to these things that makes the mother f*ckers seesaw like crazy that drove me f*cking insane. And because of this entire scenarios are toned down for the sake of balance, because I feel like someone at Rockstar realized you don't have the controls to be as finese as you need to be in those sequences.

You're not going ot be shot down out of your chopper/plane, you're not going to be tested, most of your struggles in missions with planes and choppers is getting to a certain point. And really any struggle you have in those missions is battling the vehicle and less the enemies. In fact this one part where I had to land a giant tanker thing on a flat bed was probably the most infuriating thing I dealt with in a game.

How about this for a solution Rockstar? Make less shitty controls? why is basic shit a thing? All I read on Gaf or SW about this game is Rockstars attention to detail, but all I see is them messing up basic shit. It's okay this warm up.


More F*cking Grand Theft Auto

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If you haven't gotten the hint, yes I am far away from calling GTA 5 great. But it's not a mechanical thing. Mechanics are workable, something I can deal with. The real issue here with GTA 5 is that it's just ....well Liquid described the game as ambitious, and polished, and blah blah blah and devoid of fun. I disagree. It's not devoid of fun, it's fun in spots definitely. It's a much better playground than GTA 4 ever was. GTA 4 was boredom fuel in the form of a 60 dollar videogame. RDR had you doing chores. And well I'm against doing work in videogames. I like Marston, but that game was far from being devoid of boredom.

GTA 5's real problem is that it isn't ambitious at all. Not one bit. Not even remotely. At least not in single player. Still remains to be seen if the MP is legit, but the solo play ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, cry babies of all ages is the same f*cking game Rockstar has been making since 2001. The city might look bigger, it might be more detailed, there maybe novelties in this game to sell the immersion and everything, but the game? The fundamental what you are interacting with game? is the same f*cking game they made for the last 12 years.

You go to point A, you watch a scene, you got to point B, you kill dudes, you run away from cops, cops lose you, and the mission is completed. The curtains might be new, someone bought new furniture, and you even went through the trouble of redoing the entire garden. But the house is still the same house it always was. It just got a face lift. And that's all GTA 5 is. It's GTA 3, Vice City, San Andreas, 4, and hey lets throw in Red Dead while we're at it because get real it basically was a GTA game, but in a western. Most of the missions you do in this game you have done time and time and time and time again in plenty of other sandbox games. Except without the effervescent personality of a Saints Row or the raw badassery of a Sleeping Dogs.

But just as mind numbing as those two games,and yeah just as erratic in its pacing. What makes the game enjoyable so much are the heists. Those are the big new kids on the block for GTA, and those are what Rockstar bet their marbles on as far as the main plot line was concerned. Most of those are good misisons. They are lenghty, have you switching between characters, and juggling multiple gameplay mechanics to get the job done. There is a sense of accomplishment you get for these missions if you get everything to go smoothly. Especially given the preplanning and work you have to do. But none of that boring real life work, with no payoff like most videogames. Set up for a gameplay sequence work. Justified within the context of the game and the narrative to make me go "okay I'm willing to meet you half way here".

Sounds too nice for you guys? Okay, well Rockstar being the kings of underwhelming decision makers that they are pulled punches. The system is shallow. First of all it's a basic binary decision making moment. Where you either do it one way or another. But, once you pick you are stuck down that route. The Last of Us is a binary game as well. Action or Stealth, but you have more room to do a little bit of emergent gameplay. Limited and shallow sure, but enough to make it more than a binary game. GTA 5? Binary. Don't tell yourself otherwise.

And when it comes to the preplanning it never evolves past the initial mission. You pick dudes, they will either be good or sloppy on the mission, and they might cost you some money. They can't die, they improve after every mission, and their price stays the same. The thing is once you do that first heist, you have enough money to never worry about money as far as the game is concerned. Unless you're that into buying property(which meh), you can do that heist, and then just keep going on your missions. You have enough money to keep buying guns and extra shit. There is no weight to your planning and picking people. No punishment.

You plebs: Um there is a scoring system champ

A half assed one that you don't know the criteria for until after the mission ends. Yes a lot of them maybe simply do the mission really quick with x amount of head shots. But in between there is random requirements, like don't run over dudes on the movie set or some other crap you don't know about until you finish the mission. Meaning to actually care about getting gold medals, and be challenged by the game you need to essentially beat the game to know the requirements of those missions. Way to Go Rockstar.

So every new addition while adding enough to make the game more fun than its predecessor(and lets be fair GTA 4 sucked), but not enough to overrule the fact that really you spent 60 bucks on a videogame that is a better looking version of the type of videogame Rockstar has now officially made 5 times(4 if you don't want to count Red Dead Redemption). Get mad.


ROCKSTAR, Story, Come on Son

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And normally I just dismiss videogame stories, as LOL VIDEOGAME STORIES. Because what kind of profound sadness has to enter your life to need to go to a videogame for a narrative fix? I mean seriously. But again I like John Marston, and after this game, I discovered Red Dead Redemption is either

A: A fluke
B: I'm completely ignoring the poorly written middle section of that game way too much.

Yes like all of you I thought Trevor made a great first impression. He's exactly the kind of anti-hero modern TV has been built upon lately, Franklin was likeable and set to be CJ tier, and Michael was generally funny. But, LOL ITS A VIDEOGAME STORY. The plot is way too contrived, with one too many scenarios just falling into everyones lap, with no rhyme or reason or any sort of cohesion that is going on.

The game has all these enemies for our 3 protagonists. Gangbangers, Triads, shady FIB, private military douche bags(probably could have just stopped at private military to get that point across), and they all bounce around with no real sense of progression until you deal with them all in one pretty badass final mission. Again good gameplay payoff, but it creates a lot of narrative filler.

It also doesn't help that all 3 of our leads are completely uninteresting as characters. You see while Rockstar may understand what an ANti-hero is, they don't get why they get liked so much on TV or in film. What makes an anti-hero doesn't necessarily require the audience to find the character likeable. Sure it helps, but you don't necessarily need to settle for likeable, bad guy. No what they also can do is try to make the character intriguing, interesting, or fascinating to their audience. Rockstar doesn't do that.

Trevor before it's all said and done is one note of pure crazy, and that shit becomes grating. That style of character has historically worked as a parallel(see Joker to Batman) or a side character that isn't in the limelight. But pure crazy without anything to keep the player interested gets tiring, and that's Trevor. You get over his political bullshit, his "unhinged and disconnected from society" life style, and what you get is a crazy character. Who has his moments, but ultimately is one note(read one note, not one dimensional, they are two different things).

It also doesn't help that Franklin is just there after a point. After about the half way mark he might as well not even be involved in the plot, as he just seems to be third wheel in this story. And too much of the story relies on the innevitable Michael vs Trevor face off where they go over what happened 9 years ago. It's stupid, you figure it out on your own, and it fails in providing a cathersis for either character or the player involved. Also Michaell seems super f*cking oblivious to how much of a dick he is up until the end.

And as far as satire goes? Like the game it's the same shit Rockstar has been f*cking make for 12 years. It's the same joke, it's updated with the whole 1 percenter routine, but they are like a year or 2 behind on making those jokes. Rockstar we get it at this point. America is super full of shit, that was funny, the first 400 times you said it. But the last 300 times have been kind of a drag, get a new set of jokes. You're as devoid of new material as I am. That's kind of lame, considering I have like 3 or 4 jokes max, and most of my routine is just cursing and belittling my audience.

Oh and for everyone that again knocks UC2, I never wanna hear you talk shit about that game and then not say it about GTA 5. This is a cinematic action game in every sense of the f*cking word. There are plenty of sequences where control is ripped away from the player for them to watch Rockstar do something pretty with their graphics engine or create a cinematic view. I get it Dan Houser, you couldn't make it in the realm of a good artistic medium, so you settled for videogames. But this is just sad at times.

But it's okay, I got one more thing to kick GTA in the gut for.


Not to Use a Cliche, But

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It's a god damn Novelty. Everyone is going to point out to me how you can golf, how you can play tennis, random events, deer, this big open city, 3 protagnosits, strip clubs, how seanmcloughlin made a pretty funny video about stealing a jet from the army base, blah blah blah blah blab blah.

Listen I am not discounting the game as a playground. It's a fun play ground, it's the most fun playground Rockstar has had since San Andreas. It's kind of a shame there isn't a jet pack, but Rockstar wanted to have their playground cake with their we are serious and up our own ass cake as well, and eat both(fat asses clearly). Listen if you're into that stuff, more power to you. Me? I'm into that in a MP environment, but for solo play that shit becomes mind numbing.

Can it be fun? sure

But it's limited, it has a shelf life, it has a "why the f*ck should I care" feel to it. Which actually is my response to all the extra shit. I could do it, but why the f*ck should I?

Fun? I can play better tennis or golf games. The main missions are more attractive than the rampage missions. The assassination stuff is fun, I'll admit that. I definitely won't do anything that requires me to use a chopper and plane when I have the option to avoid it. Also Tow trucking? I don't hate myself enough to do that. That is work inside of a videogame. I won't do work. I work 2 jobs in real life, why would I want to work in a videogame?

Still not getting the point? Anything you can call "ambitious" or "impressive" or "detailed" or "they thought of everything" when it comes to GTA 5 is superficial stuff. Novelties. Fluff. Bullshit not actually worth my time or effort. It's devoid of any meaningful subsance both on a gameplay level or a narrative level, it doesn't mask your interactions being by the numbers wack a mole cover shooting.

Wack a mole cover shooting that just feels archaic in comparison to games that focus on being cover shooters. More to the point? Grand Theft Auto since 2001 to today in 2013 with GTA 5 is a Jack of all trades, master of none type of game. It has all these elements in the game, and does none of them at a high enough level to satisfy in any meaningful way a videogame can. You can't really be challenged by it, it's lacking in depth, and it doesn't have the bonus of doing something new as it's usually behind the curve of a game that already has those mechanics and does it better.

Make no mistake about it, I think you should definitely play and enjoy GTA 5. It's a fun shooter. It's a solid shooter. It's a polished videogame. It's the best videogame Rockstar has made since San Andreas. Hell it is their best videogame(yes Liquid, that is how low I think of Rockstar if that was your reaction to that statement).

But as far as Champ Hall of Fame is concerned, or how they stack up in the white hot light of truth? It doesn't do anything to change my opinion on Rockstar. In fact I'm happy enough to say that I ate zero crow because of this game. It's more f*cking Rockstar, with less of the suck.

For all of the Rockstar is above Saints Row, above Voilition, they can barely make a better game, while spending way more money? At least Saints Row is aware of how shallow it is, but Rockstar? Not really. They seem to think they are kings, and sure their financial side is definitely the stuff of kings. But the quality of their work? Well they are like Lamar from GTA 5. He thinks he's some hard ass f*ck tough guy, really he's a punk ass bitch.

Rockstar? Meh it could be worse, they could be Bungie out of 10

What can I say Mooksi, we'll meet each other halfway on every other videogame opinion, but Rockstar.

Oh and side note. Rockstar. I want a game with a character like Trevor(no I don't care how one note he got, I still remember the parts I liked) in a game that plays like Max Payne 3(mechanicallY). Max was a total pusscake in that game ruining all my fun. Trevor is perfect for a game where you are killing people in such badass ways.

Also

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She would be a horrible hand job, but I imagine she's an amazing anger bang. All that strength just hitting you, while you're hittin it.

Would/10

Cheers

by on

Breaking-Bad-Thanks-Albuquerque.jpg

So yeah that was it, the final 55 minutes of Breaking Bad are over with. That's the show's 5 seasons, and 62 episodes ending on what I thought was a fitting note. I'm not gonna waste my time disecting the episode(it was good), talking about the show's legacy(it is and was a great tv show), talking about wether or not this was some all time great finale(it wasn't), or if BB is the Goat(it's not, we established that last time). Mostly, I'm sad.

You people: Is it because Liz collapsed at work, and you have to take her to the doctor tomorrow?

No f*ck that bitch, the lord can be plenty cruel to me at times, but that one is a little bit of a low blow. She's a tough bitch, she'll survive what was probably something dumb like she didn't eat all day or some dumbshit.

No I'm saddened that what me and the mrs just saw(another reason why I'm not worried is that she's sleeping just fine right now) were the final 55 minutes of Breaking Bad. That was the final chance to see another great performance from Bryan Cranston, Aaron Paul, and watch the grand entertainment that was being cooked up by Vince Gilligan and his group. It's bittersweet in that the ending gives the audience exactly what they probably predicted and wanted. No it wasn't barn burner, and maybe that's another reason Breaking Bad was as good as it was.

You see if there is one thing to learn here is that sometimes you should try to out think yourself and go for something your story wasn't built or set up to do. You suddenly feel like you owe something grander than what you did, but get real you were probably never going to live up to what was your high point(Ozymandias) to begin with. No instead you go where the story takes you, and trust the audience enough to be satisfied with getting closure. When you try to out think yourself? You get shitty endings like Mass Effect 3. I would mentioned a TV show, but

A: You all save Sammy and Robbie; have shitty TV opinions
B: Sammy will give me shit for not liking The Sopranos finale.

Regardless, thank you Vince Gilligan for 62 episodes of damn good entertainment.

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And since this was too sappy for some of you

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The Greatest Review of Anything Ever

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TX6o7R8LSg

What other track would I go with? When you're blogging about someone ripping into something, and you like starting with a theme the only correct theme is the best diss track period. And with all due respect to the stuff Nas and Jay Z had, and Big L could pump out, or the stuff between Eazy E and Dre, or from the glorious east coast vs west coast era. With all due respect to all of them, but the guy you want on a beef track is Eminem. And the reason is Nail in the Coffin. It's that simple.

You got a better diss track? Bring it Foolz3h and Illmatic, because I f*cking disagree with it.

Also side note, EndlessBacklog.com is back on track to hopefully be done by sometime next month. So far it's still a work in progress.

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We have a header. I'd try to post a pic that fit the page, but you know gamespot they are against me doing anything with this site. So hopefully that stuff goes accordingly, got a podcast lined up, and I'll have something written on Mark of the Ninja and Rayman Legends. Spoiler I like those 2 games.

Anyway

http://www.avclub.com/articles/remember-the-monsters,102659/

Now I have no grand delusion of my writing abilities, so I am well aware that I am limited in terms of rage when I want to share some straight up venom when it comes to things I dislike. But I do fancy myself as someone who can dissect and rip into something like it's nobodies business. Which allows me to appreciate true artists of the field, and this review on Dexter series finale by Joshua Alston is nothing short of art. Simply put, it's art

I mean look at this

First, a few deep, meditative breaths to calm myself down. Because generally, when someone vacillates between hysterical giggling and apoplexy this rapidly, he gets placed under state care. The Dexter team outdid itself. Some folks would say This show is as shitty as it can possibly be, so now we can rest on our laurels. But not Scott Buck and his team. They never stop striving to create the most offensively stupid show on television. And look, if that was the objective here, a slow clap is in order.

I mean that's a badass opening, and probably about as good as it's gonna get right? Like no way can you put it away at the end? Wrong

As a rule, I think its ridiculous to judge someone for liking or disliking an artwork. But I have to be a hypocrite here: If, after watching Remember The Monsters, you still consider yourself a fan of Dexter, Im judging you. Not quietly. Loudly. Im in your face with a megaphone, yelling WHAT IS YOUR DEAL? CANT YOU SEE HOW AWFUL THIS IS? You may be thinking, Why are you yelling into a megaphone? Isnt that redundant? But you love a show that, for the better part of eight seasons, has used voiceovers and ghost dads to call your attention to things youre currently looking at with your eyes. So youll forgive me for thinking redundancy is your thing, wont you?



I mean god damn. There is just such a beautiful maliciousness to it. Like I would not argue there isn't something wrong about writing a review in that manner, but it's definitely more entertaining than a videogame review would ever be. So kudos on this one.

And for those of you still watch Dexter? Eww. But more importantly for those of you who like me are going to watch Homeland this sunday. Understand this is the ultimate destination for Homeland. Why? because it's Shoetime. It's just that simple they approve TV shows that frankly should not be TV shows, as much as they should be signed up to be a mini-series. Because they have premises that are not built to be drawn out the way shoetime shows are.

Shoetime is like the opposite of HBO. Shoetime is essentially finding ways to take TV shows and have them live up to this quote

I find a lot of TV to be unwatchable, because I dont see it as being reflective of anything. I start seeing those seams where people have sewn together melodrama. When I start seeing scenes of that, that they dont care about Iraq or they dont care about why theres violence in the inner city, I have no interest in watching. A lot of TV is about sustaining the franchise. Theyre interested in having a TV show and writing these characters and maximizing the number of eyeballs.



That quote ladies and gentlemen is by the incomparable David Simon, who kind of throws his own medium on blast. Because he's frankly right. Television much to my dismay isn't as nuanced. thought-provoking, or as clever as well Liquid's preferred medium of Film(or literature for that matter, but at the least still way better than videogames. So Taller than the tallest midget, that still counts for something). Now that's not to say the last 14 years hasn't given us some grand evolution for Television(yes, I am gonna call it a golden age Liquid and Towers, you plebs). Mostly of the back of HBO's golden run, and with Breaking Bad and Mad Men set to put the icing on the cake.

Now some of you idiots will say "who the f*ck is David Simon to write that bullshit?" David Simon created The Wire, and if you don't know that's the greatest TV show of all time.

You people: Um Breaking Bad is having...

Having an absolute fantastic final season. Vince and his boys are putting up a masterclass on how to close out a TV show, and trust me I expect Breaking Bad's series finale to rank up with some of my all time favorites. Be it -30- from The Wire, Famil Meeting from The Shield, Always from Friday Night Lights, or the absolutely soul crushing Everyone's Waiting from Six Feet Under. I expect a god like finale.

But I'll put it simply like this. 100 years from now Breaking Bad will be fantastic television, one of the all time greats. 100 years from now The Wire will still be the best show of all time. In the words of RobbieH, always and forever.

Now bring on that finale.

P.S. No I do not like The Sopranos Finale

P.S.S Dear HBO, f*cking work some voodoo and get me a Deadwood Finale already

I'm serious HBO, ask Timothy Olyphant how serious this is

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Make that shit happen, but not at the expense of Justified. Anyway I'm out.

Yeah so cheers. Oh and right bitches

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Yes yes, i know she doesn't have an ass, i didn't forget you non Jennifer Lawrence liking people

[spoiler] tumblr_mqupwpEmFd1qmrcpdo1_500.jpg [/spoiler]

No seriously Anita Ekberg back in 1960? could get it.

by on

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNuGqqDhPuY

What, it's true. Even as the show has gotten stale(really stale), the art has gotten worst(It's just simply not as expressive as it used to be), and they'll never live up to the golden oldies, they've got stories for years. And I'm all cool with that, Long Live The Simpsons.

Now where as my 24 hour Simpsons channel? because come on.

So with GTA 5 out this week it's time for me to talk about stuff that isn't GTA 5.

You People: Awww, but I want GTA 5 speak like every other mother f*cker on gamespot, did you even buy it?

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Yes, yes I did.

I'm just not playing it anytime soon.

You people: Why?

Stop interrupting my flow here with your questions, SHEESH....Lets break these down

A: I don't really play games like that. My real ability is to purchase games, and not play them till weeks or months after I buy them, because YOLO.

B: I promised Justin(and mostly myself, since I love myself) that I was going to get other write ups done for the site, and then get to GTA 5, since I have access to some varied games. Currently I've already knocked away Rayman Legends and Mark of the Ninja. I have to get to the two Amnesia games, Wonderful101, Pikmin 3, and Antichamber(especially since the Pedal to the Medal guys bought me that game, and Tom Towers swears buy it).

And for tthe 2 or 3 people who do post on my shit, and arent' from SW, Pedal to the Metal is a System Wars podcast. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McdMZ31lnWo

It's a pretty good listen, yes some of you might argue it doesn't have enough Gagan, but come on we don't hold that against the Bombcast now do we? Plus unlike the Brocasts I do with my endlessbacklog mates, they actually are way better organized and actually do stuff week to week. They are fun listens, and you might recognize some of the posters they pick(it's basically a gamespot community podcast), and of course I linked you the one with me. Duh.

Anyway more to the point. I'm just not feeling into a GTA mood right now. I saw my boy play it, I saw vinny play it on Giantbomb, and I mean it does look good. It does look like something where the Housers went

"Here champ, you happy, the gameplay doesn't suck this time".

So it does look like I will eat crow here, and have to admit that post San Andreas Rockstar was able to make a good game. Because GTA 4 obviously sucked, and the likes of Max Payne 3 and Red Dead Redemption only peaked at decent

You People: Champ I'm stupid, and I don't know what okay and decent means, can you describe those games in review scores

Well I'll do it out of multiple review scales.

On a 10 point scale: 6 out of 10 for both of them

On a 20 point scale: 6.5 out of 10(13 out of 20 if you're one of those weirdos)

On a 5 point scale: 3 stars

On a 4 point scale: 2 stars

On a 100 point scale: 66 for Red Dead Redemption and 67 for Max Payne 3

On a 200 point scale: 133 for RDR and 135 for Max Payne 3

On a scale where I don't use a f*cking number to get my point across: Decent/Okay

Same scale, but more catchy:

Gameplay has many short comings, but John Marston made the game worth a spin out of 10

The mechanics are nothing short of fantastic, but Rockstar f*cked everything else up out of 10

So yeah that's that, Lets shine some white hot light of truth shall we.


I WATCHED SOME MOVIES; THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

LaDolceVita.jpg

LA Dolce Vita(1960): Yep a movie 28 years before I was born.

A few things, because I'm not going to go in depth here, as everyone that usually reads my shit really isn't into film. And unless I'm saying something super obnoxious sammy doesn't read these, speaking of which DID YOU SEE BEFORE MIDNIGHT you hoe?

Regardless

A: Anita Ekberg was a total f*cking babe back then.

B: The "This isn't love, this is brutalization" scene is nothing short of f*cking awesome

I liked it, a lot, good job Liz picking the movie out of 10

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The Third Man(1949)

Honestly I'm kind of finally seeing exactly what MrTrey loves about watching so many old films. ...Because they didn't have the advantage of all the crazy tech we had, and all these rules and political correct bullshit, their...is a craft to these old films that showcases exactly how important just getting the right angle on the camera helps. I mean there are single shots in this film that are absolutle fantastic. The way the film just builds some simply agonizing tension is nothing short of masterful at times.

Liz feel asleep, but she's a dumb bitch. I thought this movie was good

You Like Noir stuff? Go watch The Third Man out of 10

Also biggest crime in life? Modern posters taking over the posters of old. WHAT THE F*CK HAPPENED TO ALL THIS HAND DRAWN STUFF? It looks infinitely cooler. Way to go Liquid, your pride and joy film industry finding new and exciting ways to get dumber. Hope you're happy.

Okay you're right 2nd biggest crime in life. The biggest crime was Kirsten Dunst's mom giving birth to her. Like that bitch wasn't aware abortion wasn't an option. smh.


Yeah that's it

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So I actually have nothing to say on games this week, as I'm too tired, and I guess I drew that opening out way too long to get to Spec Ops again(plus I'm pretty sure I wrote about that game). Hey it's football sunday, so cheers I guess .

I think at some point I'll write about something else. Oh right Aljosa watched 12 Years A Slave at Tiff

http://www.gufuyourself.com/2013/09/20/review-12-years-a-slave/

As he discovered it's kind of a pain in the ass to talk about films, because you can't really talk about what you want to talk about because you'll spoil the film. And hey frankly given how that I liked Hunger for what it was, I'm sure 12 Years A Slave will be good.

Also surprisingly Gravity doesn't suck. I say surprisingly because while it maybe the same director as Children of Men, and Children of Men is fantastic. I thought the trailers looked so f*cking stupid. I still think trailers wise it looks so f*cking stupid. But apparently the movie is legit, and hey the director did make Children of Men. So I guess I have to go watch Gravity as well.

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So yeah, I'll keep it semi, kind of, but not really what so ever classy for once. And finish it off with back in 1960, Anita Ekberg could f*cking get it. Now? old and disgusting. But back then? Definitely.

The B1tch in the tie gif can't dance.

by on

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToTRFS-6eUs

Welcome back, to my usual raining of divine truth for you substandard sewer scum who still choose to live in your abyss of lies that you call your lives. Just remember, ultimately it's not my fault if you read anything here and get offended. It's your fault for continuing to living a life of being wrong all the time.

So here I am again to shine that white hot light of truth for those who deserve it most. Lets begin. Well

http://www.gufuyourself.com/2013/09/16/on-grand-theft-auto-v-reviews/

Here is a shorter and way less obnoxious version of what I'm going to write. It's written by Aljosa, so if you don't have the tolerance for my super douchiority than you can go read that. Otherwise white hot light of truth time.


PERSONAL BELIEFS AND REVIEWS

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You dimwits who already know my answer to this question: CHAMP YOUR FINALLY GONNA DO A WRITE UP ON IS GAMING ART OR NOT?

Me: F*ck no

YDWAKMATTQ: than why use that pic : (

Me: Answer that question in the pic right now, and I will tell you

YDWAKMATTQ: Yes, yes they are art

If you fall into that category, I want you to know that if you are one of those people that stands up everytime videogames are called not art, you are not allowed to BITCH about someone sharing their opinion an analysis of a videogame. Be it political, sexual, racial, or their f*cking grocery list from the day. Why? Because if videogames are art as you say, than they need to be judged that way. No more product review shit, no more just buyers guide reviews. The medium needs more critics who want to review on a more reflective level.

It can't just be game has x amount of content per square inch, and has good graphics here, but bad graphics here, and because games of its ilk are longer buy it at 20. That doesn't do anything other than talk about how to spend money, it has nothing to say about the content at work. Nothing about what the game has to say, what the game does for its genre, what the game does overall for its medium, what the game does on a personal level.

Compare that to film, books, music, and tv reviews and you will find plenty of critics who do call out the bullshit of the writers behind what they are reviewiing. They do bring up what they found offensive, they do point out stuff they feel is tacky, they focus on maybe a handfull of moments of that piece because those were the defining bits of it. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE GOING TO HYPE GAMING STORIES UP.

If you want the stories in this medium to be taken seriously, to be something game designers put more effort into, than your critics need to be allowed to attack it in any damn way well they please. Because it happens in mediums that frankly have way better stories to tell.

Regardless let me use Draugen here

As Draugen clearly points in this blog you should read(plus you'll get some fun tips on writing tips that aren't actually useful): http://www.gamespot.com/users/DraugenCP/show_blog_entry.php?topic_id=m-100-26038188

A review does not have to be a buyers guide, it can be a gateway for a more interesting discussion. Roger Ebert did that routinely with films. He didn't need to focus on "should you go spend money to watch this movie", he was smart enough to know you were already sold, or not sold on that part. So allow game critics to do the same. Quit bitching that they bring up shit you don't wanna hear. Their job is not to pander to your feelings. More importantly, quit being a little bitch and asking them to tell you what you want to here.

CRITICS WE NEED TO TALK

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Which brings me to the real part of the problem. THe other mediums have critics that come off sincere when they bring up this shit. No game critics are supremely shitty, and get too riled up if they like something usually. I mean that's why I used greg miller who is responsible for this lovely quote

Dead Space 2 is an amazing game. I'm going to write about its scary moments, cool kills, and how much I dig the main character's internal struggle, but Dead Space 2 is about more than this. When I beat it for the first time, I sat on the couch with my heart racing and dissected the journey I had just taken. Then, I started my second playthrough, and when that was done, I jumped into a new game for the third time. Dead Space 2 is just that good.



Now I am not saying I'm a good writer by any stretch of the imagination. I'm saying at the least I'm not as terrible as Greg Miller.

With that said if you're going to present a political statement, like say "profoundly misogynistic". We're going to have some issues here. If you are to call something misogynistic, understand it's the same as calling something racist or homophobic. That is a serious complaint against someone, because that's presenting the writers as intolerant. Which means you better have an actual detailed example, and a list of examples for a game to be profoundly misyognystic. Because the other problem here is the adjective. Game critics have this horrible habit of not knowing the definition words they use.

Be it something like "visceral" or "bold reimagining"(well played Rev3), and this is another one of those cases. Lets cut this down to its more reduced way of saying profoundly misogynstic. Deeply offensive. As in in spite of what the game does right, the games lasting impressive is going to be that is deeply offensive towards women. I'm not saying the game is(I haven't played it), I'm taking that line for what it should mean when one uses the words "Profoundly Misogynistic".

So if a games lasting impressive is that it is deeply offensive ,and it should be doing this more than just one f*cking scene. Than you as a critic have every right to strike the game down. Entire plots as sophisticated as they maybe in other mediums get broken down if a character or two/ or a theme is just insufferable for the audience. That is what profoundly misogynstic would be to someonw who takes the narrative aspect seriously. Deeply offensive. Problem?

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NINE POINT OH, Editor's Choice, GAME OF THE YEAR(because what else is gonna win? Metro Last Light? pfft get real).

Bitch are you serious? That is my problem. At that point it wasn't a sincere complaint. It's bad enough you went the hyperbole route for a complaint(because obviously it's not profoundly offensive, it's more like mildly offensive), but then you didn't even have the guts to rip the game a new one for it. You bitched out of it. That is at that point gutless, that is cheap, that is well, how sincere were you about that complaint? because really you probably did it for hits.

The Escapist Review? The writer implied Godfather 2 was anything short of excellent. But I don't have a problem with his review. If your characters in a plot are insufferable dick heads, the plot sucks because it revolves around insufferable dick heads, and you're playing a fun game about insufferable dick heads. Do he do a good job explaining why these characters are insufferable dick heads? no. That's bad, but the complaint is fair game.

That said the part where he didn't get Godfather 2 is proof you shouldn't read that review, because Godfather 2 is an excellent story top to bottom. Surely there isn't a videogame story even remotely in its ball park, because there are excellent films that aren't as good Godfather 2.

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So what have we learned

We have learned that IF you fall into the category of "games are art"

Than you must allow for them to be judged that way. So political stances, reflective opinions and all that shit are welcome. Quit crying when you get it. Also it's totally fair game if someone finds scantly clad broads in a videogame tacky. That's not being prudish, that's finding it tacky.

Before you even remotely try to call me a feminist. I describe Kate Hudson as the president of the itty bitty **** committee. Let's be clear I don't claim to have wings on or a halo over my head, I just happen to have perspective.

Now I'm full aware that only like 2 of you will make it this far, because too much perspective and truth in your life would somehow make you less shit of an individual, and that's just too much to ask here. And most of the people that do view this for a quick second are here for whatever bitch I posted in the blog, or the t1tty gif or two.

That said for those that will make it this far and cry, know that your tears are always satisfying especially for how you justify your narrow minded nature for wanting critics to pander to you. You grade A pusscake. As for future stuff it'll either be a Spec Ops The Line write up(I didn't forget Ninja, I just don't want to write about that game), or it'll be me writing up a review on Rayman Legends, Mark of the Ninja, and probably Amnesia games.

No GTA? Justin is writing up on GTA, so frankly he can play it, because right now I have no desire to turn that game on. I actually said I was going to get Antichamber, the two Amnesia games, Pikmin 3, Mark of the Ninja, Rayman Legends, and Wonderful 101 done before GTA 5. So far I have succeeded in only finishing Rayman Legends. So I'll get to GTA 5 eventually, but it's backlogged at this point. Any bitches and gifs.

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Also Misa Campo

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MMMmmmm

Play The Swapper

by on

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmTH9w8H1-s

As the thread title says you should play The Swapper

http://www.gufuyourself.com/2013/09/10/review-the-swapper-pc/

Why? Because I like it, and as proven time and time and time and time and time again I am correct all of the time,

I also have my thoughts written down on Luigi's Mansion

http://www.gufuyourself.com/2013/09/10/review-luigis-mansion-dark-moon/

Yeah wasn't very high on that game.

Also



I have a spending problem, as usually proven. Since I didn't go on any of my planned vacations(#Realworldproblems), I have been allowed spend money even more(#realworldproblems). So I bought games. Some I'm excited to replay again The Two Prime games(Oh I know it's a trilogy), The Ico games, and Demon's Souls. And then the JRPGs(Ni Nu Kuni, Nocturne, and Xenoblade) I'm willing to give a shot for one reason or another. Nocturne is the one that interest me the most, if only because Aljosa swears by it.

This list also does not include that i bought Amnesia Machine of Pigs(because I love the first Amnesia), and Rayman Legends(because Rayman Origins was quite good).


Fire Emblem Awakening Lunatic Mode

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Now if you remember I already played this game, even wrote down my thoughts on the game here: http://www.gufuyourself.com/2013/02/25/fire-emblem-awakening-review/

I thought it was good, slightly disappointing considering I expect more from a game if I buy a system to play that game, and more importantly when I buy a disgusting, filthy, bottom feeding, shit barrel creation that is a handheld gaming device. Well I ended up going back to it recently, as when I'm watching stuff(I'm rewatching Deadwood) it's semi decent to have a handheld game to play, and I'm not exactly that into Angry Birds.

Already finished Luigi's Mansion, don't wanna do that again. So I decided to play Awakening again(because I still never bought myself Rhythm Thief, which might actually be my favorite 3DS game from what I played), and this time on Lunatic. Last time I beat it on hard, classic, the way men should have played their first playthrough. And I gave the game credit for providing a stiffer challenge at that level, and allowing you to tone it down if you need it that way. Something modern day Nintendo games should do more frequently, but that's neither here nor there.

So I'm playing Lunatic mode, and I was wondering exactly why SW plebs, or Neogaf plebs think the game is pay to win. I would not describe the difficulty mode as pay to win. I have gotten up to chapter 20 without buying the Dlc, because LOL buying handheld DLC. I don't buy console DLC anymore, steam sales can't get me to buy PC DLC, and they want me to pay for a F*cking level? get out of here.

So the problem with this difficulty mode is that although it's not pay to win, it's work to win. The paying cuts down on your work, you can beat the game the way without spending a dollar, but you have to essentially take up ALL the side content, and get more risen to show up in the land so you can compete. Otherwise you get thrown into some ugly bouts, and usually very early in the match is when things can go awfully wrong. Later on, you've got a decent image of the field to read and react.

Why does this suck? Because it's work. It's not satisfying, it's not rewarding, it's work to have a challenge. Ninja Gaiden doesn't expect you to work. It expects you to not suck, come Master Ninja time. Devil May Cry 3 didn't you make you grind up Dante's abilities as much as it said "Bitch get better". Shinobi....was a hard ass game. Valkyria Chronicles S ranking was actually a rewarding experience, nevermind that it's also a vastly superior strategy rpg to Awakening(and most Fire Emblem games in general to be quite honest).

Now I obviously have powered through pretty far, but I'm at a point where the constant "well time to grind again" is getting on my nerves. So to my fellow gaming masochists out there, Lunatic? not exactly what you want from a game parading itself around as challenging. Which is a shame, because hard was genuinely rewarding as a difficulty mode. I can only imagine how stupid Lunatic plus is.

Saints Row

by on

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahAqeKj2yW4

That's right, shameless advertisement. And yes Tom I got you covered on this one.

http://www.gufuyourself.com/2013/08/30/review-saints-row-iv-pc/

Justin's review of Saints Row 4, and more importantly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo9rZDY1fQw

Me and Justin doing a videocast on the legacy of the Saints Row franchise in this gen. Will have Luigi/Swapper stuff up soon also. Now onto football.


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Broncos beat Ravens: LOL at Ravens, but it's week 1 folks. The Ravens will be fine, because the AFC north isn't legit. Plus Peyton Manning is a hall of famer with a shit load of weapons. It's not that surprising that he raped them so bad. One thing Bronco fans should be worried about? Peyton Manning was throwing some ugly ass floaters. That works when you have blown coverage, not gonna work in the playoffs peyton. That's a pick, probably for 6.

Patriots beat Bills: Um the patriots look mortal as hell. Brady struggled to get into rythm with his receivers, and that was just sloppy play all around for the Patriots offense. Yes they held a rookie QB in check for most of the day, but against better teams they will pay for being this far off. Also the o-line struggled. Brady is a hall of famer, he is not a quarterback however who is going to thrive in spite of bad line play. That shit needs to tighten up asap.

Seahawks beat Panthers: ugh 12 points? eh maybe the Panthers defense is legit, because they do have some playmakers. Seahawks should be a little worried though that they struggled for so long. On the other hand did you see that dime to Kearse by Wilson? That's a pretty ball. This is a legit team because of that defense, Lynch goes beast mode this is a Superbowl contender.

Bears beat Bengals: ugh fine Fireemblem, that was a hell of a f*cking throw by Jay Quit....Jay Cutler. Happy? Also for everyone that loves saying Megatron is the best, and don't get me wrong he is the best receiver. But AJ Green is right next to him, and totally worthy of being 1A. He is a crisp route runner in a way Megatron simply isn't at times. Plus he has that noodle armed ginger throwing it to him, while Megatron has the canon arm of Stafford. Not that Stafford is some great QB, but I'd rather have him than the Ginger. AJ Green would feast in an offense where the QB had an arm.

Dolphins beat Browns: Wallace is already crying, the dolphins struggled to protect Tannehill, and Brandon Weedon is still garbage. Yay dolphins are 1-0, but that was not that clean of a win. Their running game sucked, so I hope they don't expect Tannehill to sling them to a winning season, because that's not happening.

Lions beat Vikings: On one hand Lions should be happy with Reggie Bush and how that defense responded after AP's initial 78 yard burst. Yes people still a monster. On the other hand they got a lot of help from Christian Ponder. Seriously, Pee and U to Mr. ponder. That was horrible. On the other hand Joseph Fauria needs to score more touchdowns, because he's awesome

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Colts beat Raiders: Reggie Wayne is a beast. The Raiders suck though. So as nice as it is that Luck got a game winning td run, you guys struggled against the Raiders, and Terrel Pryor. Come on son.

Chiefs beat Jaguars: jagsloseinfinity_medium.gif

I mean come on they lost 28-2. You don't give the Chiefs any credit, you just look at the Jags in disgust.

Saints beat Falcons: Honestly might have been the 2nd best, and most overlooked game on sunday. This was a close, well played game. Saints didn't look remotely balanced as an offense(lol saints run the ball), but they did play some tough D. got after Ryan, got some key turnovers(game winning pick). Problem? They did extremely well against the Falcons last year on defense, and they still sucked a lot last year. But they are 1-0, and should go 2-0 because: Josh Freeman

Jets beat Buccs: Horrible to watch. But Vincent Jackson was on my fantasy team, so thanks Vincent Jackson. lol at the Buccs losing a game they had no business losing. Jets should get worked pretty hard by the Patriots.

Titans beat Steelers: Titans played good D, but ....EGAD fellas what the f*ck was that Pittsburgh? Rapistberger? wh...who were you throwing too on those passes? I mean sheesh. Shame on you Steelers. On the other hand lol Steelers.

49ers beat Packers: Best game of the weekend. Tight game, big plays, some key defensive plays, the best QB in football going up against a pretty impressive up and comer in the guy that almost made one of the biggest comebacks in Superbowl history. Also Anquan Boldin for a 6th rounder? Steal of the f*cking year at this point.

Rams beat Cardinals: I wanna say meh. But they did survive a tough game against a good Cardinals defense. Plus Jared Cook is impressive. But Cardinals fans you can at least be happy with this. Larry Fitz is gonna have a year worthy of his name, because he has a quarterback throwing him the ball, and the Arizona Cardinals towel boy.

Cowboys beat Giants: This was horrendous. The cowgirls defense did a really good job making turnovers, but EliManning threw some hideous ass passes. That one right to Demarcus Ware? or those david wilson fumbles? Then there was the punt fumble. Pathetic game, really sloppy, and just when it might have gotten interesting with an Eli come from behind finish, it ended abruptly with a PICK SIX. Cowboys honestly could be fine if the defense is this good. THe Giants? yeah that's a disaster show waiting to happen this year.

Eagles beat Redskins: On one hand? ugh the Egals won. On the other hand? Lol the foreskins lost. Robert Griffin the third was throwing some lovely dimes, to the f*cking Eagles.

Texans beat Chargers: San Diego...kill yourself. 

Well that was this week. So lets predict the next week together shall we?


Patriots over Jets: Tom Brady. Bill Bellichick. The New York Jets. Enough said. It's the Patriots.

Falcons over Rams: Falcons are the home team, they are not going 0-2. Simple as that.

Eagles over Chargers: San Diego is obviously gonna kill themselves, so eagles win by default.

Cowboys over Chiefs: I wanna say Chiefs, I do, but....eh I believe in Monte Kiffens defense more than I do Alex Smith.

Colts over Dolphins: I believe in Luck. I still don't believe in Tannehill.

Texans over Titans: Shaub has enough weapons to be productive. Locker still sucks. JJ Watt has a huge game.

Packers over Redskins: 0-2 worry for both teams, I'm going with the best QB in football. That's Aaron Rodgers.

Ravens over Browns: Ravens bounce back, Ray Rice gets enough carries, Brandon Weedon still sucks. The end.

Panthers over Bills: Like I said BELIEVE in that Panthers defense. Cam has a big game, but Bills keep it close

Bears over Vikings: I love AP, AP could win this game, but Christian Ponder. Also was that Jay Qu...Cutler with protection?

Saints over Buccs: Josh Freeman, The Buccs defense will slow down Drew Brees, but Josh Freeman will lose this game.

Lions over Cardinals: I mean...they can't get raped by the Cardinals like they did last year? right? right? Megatron vs Patrick Peterson. That's a fun matchup.

Raiders over Jaguars: honestly they are both so bad.

Broncos over Giants: because lol why would I pick anyone else?

Seahawks over 49ers: I think the 49ers are a better team, but Seattle is simply too good at home.

Steelers over Bengals: I don't believe in the Steelers, I do think the Bengals have the 2nd best wide receiver and a top notch team, but Andy Dalton leaves a lot to be desired as a QB. Plus 0-2 worries on the line, I have more faith in the Rapist pulling one out of his ass.

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And..uh that should do it.