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imakillaholic Blog

Nothing But Love.

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You've heard, "It's the small things that matter." That is very true instandardizing a person's anatomy. Over the course of my life it wasn't the big things that have changed me - heart and morals - dramatically; it's the small events put together to collide in one.

I am not defined by morals, a constitution, laws and regulations, I am characterized by the actions of others. I've never been around a lot of "love" in my life; it is more of bitter hearts and spiteful mouths. Thankfully, I didn't turn out that way. That has shaped me into someone who would rather present kindness and compassion rather than deceit and hatred. I cannot stand the sight of abuse or be around constant cursing - I can only take so much.

Roughly two years ago I had a long historical line of "abuse" in many small shapes, sizes and forms. Yes, I was cheated on, but that wasn't the big "error" per-se. It's the plethora of things that led up to that event [or the day I saw it]. It was sitting on the couch watching her text and talk about other men in front of my face; leaving the town to spend the night at another man's house; the confusion; never kissing me unless she was drunk. Although those are big aspects in retrospect, they were only pieces of the puzzle that eventually composed into the final missing link.

Those belittle events have caused me, today, to be paranoid and jealous beyond measure. The question is, however: Would I be paranoid and jealous if those events didn't occur to me? It's a possibility. I guess all it takes is time for those scars to be healed - but every new relationship, friend or more, the wound is open and bleeding again.

Maybe I'll become immune to these problems. That'd be sweet. Or emotionless. Who knows? All I know is that no matter how many bad things have happened to me, i.e. house burning down, cheated on,compulsively lied to, best friend for nearly twenty years not being friends anymore, obviously happened for a reason, but has also caused me to only give out more love, to treat others more respectfully, and to never see someone hurt. To lead people to a more happier world, because this world doesn't need Painful Pam's, it needs Positive Polly's. And at the end of the day, all I can ask is the same in return:Nothing But Love.

Things I Have Realized.

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Things I have realized:

I'm madly and deeply in love, and it's the best feeling ever.

I'll never escape – specifically the past, because it will be the future.

I'd rather be two other people. I know that I shouldn't "compare" in a sense, and that I should be me and nobody else, and also be proud of who I am, but I'm not.

The only genuine thing I want, other than love, is a family. I see people my age still wanting to have fun and their freedom, and though that is respectful, I don't care for it. I'd love to settle down, because all I do is pray for nothing but an average life.

I don't get judged as much, or hardly ever as I thought I used to.

I'm not smart, and I wish I was - even college material.

I find singing the lyrics to Amazing Grace, "Who saved a wretch like me" very demeaning. I understand that God saves us, He has saved me, but to be logical and rational, human beings are not wretched - we're confused; not mislead, but gone astray ourselves. We are not wretched. We are not wretched. We are not wretched. We are beautiful.

I really, really want to help people out in their lives, more than myself.

That, as a Christian, I do not find a lot of mainstream and contemporary music wrong, and I do not find it of "the Devil." Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of music on the radio that is morally unacceptable, such as Kesha, who barely looks of age, and is talking about partying and getting drunk - and that is not a good influence for young kids, but there is plenty of good music on the radio that changes lives for the better, that is not Christian. Such as the band "The Fray," and their song "How To Save A Life." Or Train, "If It's Love." I refuse to say it's wrong because it's not Christian.

You are the only person I care to spend every single minute and day with. I can't sleep. You're always on my mind, and I want you to be at my side forever.

Lastly, to everyone, I am sorry.

"We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Heros or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it's our job to invent something better." - Chuck Palahniuk.

The Power of Music.

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No, I am not going to speak on soundtracks in video-game(s).

What I am going to delve deeply into, though - is the power of music and how it reacts to genuine emotions. In my last blog post I asked a question, "How can you forgive someone's past that you want to be your future?" The answer is simple: You simply forgive, don't forget, and patiently wait.

All of you may be wondering what that question was referring to, and it was with my girlfriend. As many know, she has a daughter who is not biologically mine. On some rare days that beings to slither in my mind, because deep down and passionately, I want to be a father - sooner rather than later. When I think of her past I do get jealous; not infuriated or angry, I just wish it was with me. And here is the truth: she promises me that it will be one day.That is all I can go off of right now - is her word and that she, too is thinking of our future.

Now, music.
What got me to really have an ease of peace was the song, "If It's Love" by Train. Such an amazing song, especially the lyrical outburst that changed my entire perspective on things, "You can move in, I won't ask where you've been, because everybody has a past, when we're older we'll do it all over again." When the lead singer says that it gives me goosebumps and chills over my entire body; even brings tears to my eyes. It's a very powerful moment that touches my heart emotionally, and that is what life should be about - moments that do that.

That little line was an epiphany. I've made a plethora amount of mistakes in my past; she has been with others in her past, but I have to realize that she is not with her past - she is with me, and she wants a future for us.

You know, everyone tries to re-create the past; and don't get me wrong, everyone likes to remember old memories and share stories that once made you smile, but ultimately, there isn't much need to live in the past because it is inevitable to go back to. We should all focus on the present and future, because that is coming up, and that is what we are to live for - what comes next.

I can safely say that my problems are gone. No tension or a stressful state of mind. It sure does feel good to have peace. I know it won't last, but I know it will come back.

I'm Really Weird.

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I'm not necessarily going to have an introduction to this - I'm going to delve right in it. We humans are prone to hurt others. Maybe not willingly or intentionally, but we are sinful from birth and animals at heart. The subject of my blog is titled: I'm Really Weird. Let me explain.

In my previous blogs I mentioned that I go running or walking on a daily basis five-ten miles. Well, as I'm walking - and I just so happened to step on a leaf to watch it dismantle into various shapes and pieces, I sometimes think to myself, "What if that leaf could feel pain - if it had a conscious. I just killed an innocent." Or if I tear off a leaf from a tree branch I think, "I just separated this leaf from its family." I know this sounds childish and down right irrational, but from my perspective, we all seemingly look past these simplistic things.

I have realized how harmful and reckless we are in our hearts. We are more likely to be careless or selfish rather than helpful and lending. The saddening thing is, a lot of us realize this but fail to rationalize our standards and motives. We've strayed far away from the things that make this world beautiful. Not just the people, but God's creation - the scenery and outdoors. I'm sure nobody here cares about destroying leaves - to be blatantly honest I don't either, but it's a mild example.

Maybe I'm just weird.

Change Is Not Always Good.

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Personal Opinion.

Two days ago I recently subscribed to Xbox Live after cancelling my account a year ago. I've been playing a lot of Call of Duty: Black Ops and Halo: Reach. Speaking of Halo, that is what I'm going to delve in to.

Playing Halo: Reach reminds me of my "good ole days" playing Halo 2 online, and I miss it dearly - everything about it. From Team Hardcore, the MLG maps such as Lockout, Warlock, Ivory Tower, Sanctuary, Midship. But most of all, I miss the intensity of a heart-pounding firefight.

I know a lot of people don't like Halo, but for me, who played it professionally, it is something that made a positive impact on my life, and life is about things that make a person happy. Personally, what made Halo 2 so masterful was its glitches. Not the super-bouncing, but the combinations of button pressing to perform a great kill.

The battle-rifle is just not the same in Halo 3 or Halo: Reach. There aren't any BxB's, BxR's, or even double-shots. That is what made the game for me. It was fast-paced, while the newest additions aren't. People did complain about those glitches, and although they were faulty in the game mechanics, being able to master those glitches and continue to progress in [your] skill was gratifying.

In Halo 2 you could have the intensity of trying to perform something "cool." For example: When you have absolutely no shield and a person comes up to beat you down but you are able to pull of a BxR faster than his simple finger tap for a melee. That type of satisfaction was brilliant and overall majestic. That made Halo 2: The feeling of being awesome.

In Halo 3 and Reach, although the multiplayer is fun and I get enjoyment out of it, it's simply not the same. I miss the layout of the maps - and yes, they may have some of the maps from Halo 2 in the newest games, the idea of "revamping" them was not a good choice [in my opinion]. On Halo: Reach Ivory Tower is known as Reflection. It's a fun map, but I think with new technology people want to do "bigger and better" things such as change the layout and polish up things - and though that can be a necessity, I do not believe it was needed here.

I enjoy true nostalgia, not a feeble attempt at it. Don't get me wrong, I love Halo: Reach, but I wish Halo 2 was still playable online. In my humbled opinion, it was the king of multiplayer games. Although there were a lot of glitches [which people complained about], it still took a lot of time and effort to learn, and with that, the game was flawless. In Reach, you can be up close and personal, and a simple butt of your gun will do the trick, which I find plain and boring.

I love Call of Duty and Halo: Reach, and it's fun trying to be as good as I was on Halo 2 [not bragging, promise], but I just feel as if I'm missing something apart of me - and I hope that one day it will come back. That may be wishful thinking, but at least I can wish, right?

A Perfect Relationship.

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I had an epiphany today; one that expanded my horizons and also disregarded my fear of being alone. I have realized that some people are simply destined to be soul-mates, and it shows visually, physically, and emotionally; and can create a family. For others, however, they don't belong together and sometimes have to work at this majestic bond.

Now, no relationship is perfect - it will always have to be worked on in some aspect, but if both people are committed and willing to make it work, and have a sense of understanding and actuallylistenit will work.

I used to look at my brother and sister-in-law and ask myself, "Is that what a marriage really is? - because if so, I don't want it." They just didn't seem right for each other, and I have believed that for roughly 9 years. Nonetheless, today I decided to go over to his house since my girlfriend was at work all day and I had the day off, as did he. We played Call of Duty: Black Ops and bonded. His wife was at home as well, even the kids, and everything seemed blissful for the first time in my eyes - and it really changed my perspective, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I have come to the conclusion that things don't have to be perfect in order to have a perfect life and/or relationship. There aren't any set standards which people have to follow to know what "perfect" is, because we all have our own idealistic impression of what "perfect" cultivates.

There is one thing that nobody should get wrapped up in, and that is the past. I do this very passionately, though. The past is a ravenous and poisonous ghost that haunts us all but that is where it should remain because you cannot go back in time, yet you can always progress to the future due to inevitability.

For me, I see a person's past that I want to be my future. It's hard to contemplate on most days, but I do it - and I do it happily. It's not difficult, but it is wavering, and the time will come when fights will occur, being ignored will happen, making up will arise, and regardless of all the disagreements, at the end of the day I will say that I am in the perfect relationship, and from here on out it's a waiting game.

My Self Problem.

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I have a problem – darkness so to say. I've always had it and I'm not entirely sure how to overcome it. I've attempted many methods, but it just stays. I may have to learn to embrace it, but even then it's a difficult journey. What is it you may ask? Well, I don't know the correct definition so let me go into explanation.

It's hard for me to enjoy the things of life to a certain degree – more abundantly. No matter what I do, whether it's watch a movie or play a video game or even go bowling with a few friends, I'm always thinking, "This isn't real, or I won't be able to do this when I'm eighty years old, I'm going to die sometime anyway." Although I have my myriad of fun, there is always a small negative reaction to it all.

I see some people who have a plentiful amount of fun – enjoying their lives and go to bed without thinking about any of this stuff, but for me it happens every time. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I'm a realist. I am very optimistic in my life, too – so the idea of being a pessimist is kind of shot down in a frenzy. I suppose at the end of the day I know nothing matters and we're all going to die. Sure, our legacy can matter and our lessons that we've learned over our years and that can be passed down through generations, stories and interesting tall tales, but the real sense of the idea, nothing really matters.

I believe that's why I have the epitome of "maturity" that so many people see, although I'm a very immature person, but we're all aloud a bit of fun in our lives. I've had so many problems in my life - not to say that anyone else's are deemed lower - but I've had many ex girlfriend's cheat on me, a house burn down; an overall repetition of events that have scarred me permanently. Having discomfort in my life is something I've grown accustomed to. I always expect the worse. I know I'm saved by Jesus Christ, and people say that should be your ultimate happiness - but even when I was full-fledged serving Christ, devout and bold, I still had the same thought process.

That's why I've always tried to "rush" things in my life. I've never been one to go to a party and get "drunk." That is not my thing. I have done that a few times and regretted each time. I've payed for my sins. But I am the type of guy who delves into personal business when it comes to adulthood and relationships. I can't help to sometimes want the feeling of being a father - marriage - settling down. People say, "You don't want to do that, you should enjoy your freedom." The thing is, I don't necessarily have any - because I don't "do anything" anyway. I spend the majority of my time with my amazing and beautiful girlfriend, Kati, and that's what I enjoy the most - being around her.

I don't care about spending time with my "friends," frankly because I don't have any - but if so, they have never been a huge priority in my life because I've been the type of guy who likes to be with the genuine person he loves - not a group ofacquaintances. I know I'm young and have a "full life ahead of me," but who knows if I truly do or not? I want to get in the enjoyments of purity in my life, the one's that purely matter, and have a sensation of importance going along with it. I'm not saying it would make my life dandy and perfect, but this is what I do want - yet I'll wait until it's right and ready.

This used to be a cherishing and celestial "problem" for me. It created a lack of care and a barrage of rebelliousness. My own "free world" per se. But, to quote my favorite television show/actor, "Emptiness wasn't always a problem. I used to cherish it. But now it feels like something to overcome." – Dexter (Michael C. Hall).

Thus, it also creates a self criticism beyond degree. If I don't feel as if I "look good" or even feel the slightest bit of comfortable in my clothes (since I have a fear of gaining weight), I won't even go out in public, and if I do it's only to run a few miles and workout. Since I'm very strict when it comes to my weight, I'm embarrassed to do things that I wish I wasn't, such as playing Kinect for the Xbox 360, because I don't want to be looked at as a "fat kid" jumping up and down relentlessly. Now, I am not fat – but since I used to weigh 300 pounds (lost 160), I still have that particular mind-frame, considering myself still "big."

It's mildly depressing that I can't comprehend full enjoyment – but I guess that is my thorn in a flesh and could be used as a blessing rather than a curse. I just need to figure out how – eventually – I'm sure I will.

Is Call of Duty A Dead Franchise?

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Call of Duty. One of the greatest FPS's to ever grace a console, transferred from PC. I don't follow up on video game developers and/or producers as most people on this gaming site, so many people here know more about this aspect than I do - but here are my two cents.

With the release of Call of Duty: Black Ops, I've noticed many people in the GameSpot community saying, "I refuse to play Black Ops due to the reason it's the same game dished out every year." In my own personal opinion, that's not a very good reason to not play a video game. People watch season after season of football, even though the same team plays each other relentlessly. This goes for television sitcoms, and the variety ranges respectively. And by doing so, they are missing out on one of the greatest titles this year by far (my opinion, of course).

The single player campaign, however short, is the best in the series with high replay value and a lot of cinematic experiences that will keep you on edge and wanting more - it's a constant intense game that never has a dull moment. From escaping a prison with a knife, to zip-lining and busting through a window shooting at multiple targets, to even a Terminator 2 sequence, in which you're driving a motorcycle with a double barrel shotgun blasting enemies away.

Overall, it's a fantastic shooter. Yes, it has its bugs and glitches, as does every game - but that shouldn't stop a person from enjoying an experience, whether rent or buy. It's a product that has an overwhelming fan-club for a good reason: Because the game(s) is good. However, I do not recommend or believe that the Call of Duty franchise should continue yearly, or at all for that matter. Why is that? Simple: You can't miss a game (or anything) unless it's gone. And frankly, I don't want to keep spending $60.00 a pop over and over, having a collection of video games stacking up on my desk saying, "Call of Duty." I want originality.

Sure, it sells and brings in the bankroll, but if developers such as Infinity Ward and Treyarch can make a shooter year after year this good, with top tier reviews ranging in the 9.0's, then developers can also create a new franchise just as good. Expand the horizon. Although, I do admit: If they keep making the Call of Duty series, I will buy them, and developers know that - which is what keeps this going.

As I mentioned before, "expand the horizon." I love the Halo franchise, I even played Halo 2 professionally. However, although they expanded their horizon in a different direction, as in creating a Real Time Strategy, Halo Wars, I wholeheartedly believe that they didn't need to do that. I don't even think that we needed Halo: ODST, though it was a fantastic game.

Here is what I'm afraid will happen eventually: The franchises that we grow to love are the same franchises that we're going to begin to hate. These high budget and high grossing games such as Halo and Call of Duty are going to become washed up like Lego: Indiana Jones and Madden NFL. Just this yearly uprising - and we don't need that. What gamers need is something fresh and original, a new name for the game.

Stay Faithful.

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I posted a status on Facebook the other day about staying faithful to a relationship, and not moving from one guy or girl to another immediately after a break up. To clear things up, I was not being judgmental. For an odd reason, this has struck an odd obsession with me over the past few days that I cannot clear out of my head. I received a comment that featured a Bible verse, Matthew 7:1 - "Do not judge so that you will not be judged." Thus, automatically assuming presumptuously that I am judging people via status. That's not true.

Here is what my status initially said:It's kind of annoying seeing people in relationship after relationship in just a matter of days. The idea of "relationship" means long lasting and staying together. Especially when you get engaged, that ends, and then have a new boyfriend or girlfriend a week later. Learn to pick your people, and learn to stay faithful.

If that sounds judgmental - let it - it wasn't. It's called truth. And yes, it is annoying. I do not care if you're a devout Christian who spends their time in the Bible all day, even in prayer, or if you're an Atheist who spends their time attempting to debunk all formalities of The Bible; the idea of "relationship" and staying faithful will always remain, and those words that I uttered a few days ago will also remain pure, even if people don't take it to heart any longer in this world that doesn't necessarily believe in monogamy.

Now here is the truth - whether people want to admit it willingly or keep it to themselves; I was judged by the comment that featured the Bible verse. Before I continue, let me state for the record: I am not trying to defend "my case." I'm simply calling it as I see it.

As I was saying, I was judged. How you may say? By commenting on my status with a "learn to judge accordingly" Bible verse, this person was assuming that I was judging someone in particular, which I wasn't. My status was directed towards me, my family, everyone in general. Once again, my status rings true: Stay faithful in your relationships. I do believe Jesus Christ himself would agree as well - staying faithful to Him. Since we're His wife, and He's coming back for us, He wants us to love our husbands and wives as He loves the church. I could write another blog about that, but if He stays faithful for us eternally and forever gracefully, we should also remain faithful to our husbands and wives, and be in a committed relationship and not train-hopping to one person to the other.

That is my point. If you (anyone) believe I was judging, that is fine - you're all entitled to your own opinion. Nonetheless, I wholeheartedly believe, Christian or not, you cannot disagree with my status. Also, we're aloud to judge sin, not the person, and we're also supposed to speak the truth (with love). I may not have offered "love," which I do accept my problem in that aspect, but I did bring out the truth - and the truth will always set you free.