dissonantblack / Member

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dissonantblack Blog

Halloween 2009

tonight was a bi polar evening. there were a few moments where i experienced a rare boost of joy, but the majority of it was ruined by my sister.

It all started when my sister was getting ready to go to a club. She was in the bathroom putting on way too much make up like always. 2 of her friends couldn't go along so she asked me to print up the receipt so she could get her friend's money refunded. I tried, but the yellow cartridge was empty. I told her it was empty and there was nothing i could do. I even told her to just run down the street and get it printed. She gets all angry and just goes "don't talk to me" in this really snotty voice and calls her friend. I heard her in the next room over going "My brother can't print the receipt. I don't know why he can't" and some other stuff. Basically pinning the blame on me. Needless to say. i was rather angry.

Then my mom got home and notice my sister was in another one of those moods. She went into the kitchen and then all of the sudden, it happened. The tv in the bedroom turned on by itself. Swear to god truth. My mom comes in and starts wondering why it's on. I told her it wasn't me. And that it wasn't my sister either. She was in her room stressing out. When my mom said the TV went on by itself, my sister called her crazy in a really snotty mood and from there it was all downhill. 5 minutes later she was out of the house. she threw a bunch of stuff in the suit case and was off.

So afterwards, we decided to go down the street and head to the mall. I took my costume and mask. Along the way we passed a house with a tent in front of it. I asked ehr to stop so i could trick or treat it. Inside there were a bunch of those plastic severed hands and legs, and fake cleavers with blood stains on them. A dude with a bloody apron, disfigured face mask and a chef's hat gave me candy. It was fun. THIS is what Halloween is all about right here. I got some Whoppers, Nerds, and snickers. my favorites!

When we got to the mall, they told me i couldn't bring my mask inside because i'm an adult. I understand the threat of violence and all but come on. It's Halloween. Can't they have security guards check you? Like search you to make sure you don't have any weapons and make you take your mask off briefly and check your ID? is that too much to ask? That put a damper on the Halloween spirt. But anyway, Inside my mom felt bad for me and offered to buy me some new button up shirts for when we go to formal events. She got me 2 nice shirts.

Coming home from taco bell, we stopped at a stop sign. Then some kids in clown costumes ran up to the car and started honking their horns. one of them said "hi i'm Mark". It was cute. I wish i could have the opportunity to play like this for once and enjoy was i was denied as a child. oh well. Guess that's life.

I ordered a crunchy taco supreme but for some reason they gave me 2. I noticed this when i got home. Much to my dismay, one of them had meat in it. (i asked for no meat). Aw well. It's not like i paid for the extra one. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. I answered it to find some kids with their parents. And well, one of them got not only candy, but a taco too....

anyway, in response to the TV turning on by itself, i don't know what you people want to believe, and if you believe in things from the other side, but my grandmother things that my deceased grandfather turned it on. When he was alive, he loved Halloween and would take me trick or treating around the neighborhood. Guess he was just stopping by to say Happy Halloween. You don't have to believe that if you don't want, but i do.

Charlie horses

does anyone ever get these? (muscle spasms in your leg in case you don't know)

i actually Charlie horsed twice this week. the first was rather painful. Just this morning i did it again. I hope i don't keep Charlie horsing. It does hurt to stretch your leg out all the way at first. But ultimately, walking on it works best to make the pain go away.

finally beat it

after about 50 hours of gameplay, i have finally beaten farcry 2. i beat it last night and all i can say is man, what a very anti climactic ending. And i still didn't get all the achievements. oh well. maybe next time. Now i can finally move on to prince of Persia and focus on that. Then i'm going to play Banjo kazooie nuts and bolts, and finally beat oblivion.

Another sacrafice

The more i live, the more i loath, the more i go to work, the more mistakes i make. The more mistakes i make, the more i hate myself.

Earlier this week, i screwed up at work again and angered my bosses. One of them told me that the chairs i cleaned were filthy. even after all that time i spent cleaning them. I don't know what it is, but i fail. On top of that, i'm sick and tired of constantly running around dealing with customers. i'm a socially awkward person and i hestitate more when i'm frustrated. my boss even told me that i shouldn't work on friday anymore when there's a lot of customers. That's how bad i do. After 3 years, i can't believe i haven't gotten fired. Wouldn't surprise me if they don't want to fire me because they're afraid of a lawsuit involving the autism specialists who helped me get the job.

Despite the fact that i finally managed to get some pictures into my deviantart and furrafinity pages, I still can't make anything for my self. I have been very generous in giving people free fursona drawings. All of whom are flattered that i took time out of my life to make them for free. But honestly, i can't make anything for myself. I honestly don't get it. Like every time i try, i just get frustrated. It's either that or i look at it and i feel emberrassed. It's like i'm trying to be something i'm not. But i want to be something i'm not because i hate myself.

I've been staying up later and later. I can't sleep at night. Usually i just go into the living room and pace around the table debating what i'm going to do with myself. I failed art school, and i failed pharmacy tech. I can only hope that the autism specialists find something i can do that won't be effected by my social awkwardness, short patience span, and extreme clumsyness.

I'm also angry because my sister is now a regular at my favorite club. After only going for about a month, she now is on the VIP list and gets in for free. A month and she's a VIP? there's deffinately some trickle down there. NEedless to say i don't go anymore. I heavily dislike her. Especially after she got drunk and bit my mom in the face. Causing her to need plastic surgery. Last thing i want is to be under the same roof with someone i dislike in a place that serves alcohol.

As far as gaming is involved, i haven't really been playing very much. I finally quit halo for good because i'm a god awful player and i get frustrated easily. So obviously i get frustrated because of how everyone is significantly better than me. I have been playing Doom, my all time favorite game. And that helps. But i decided no more head to head gaming for me. I just can't deal with the frustration of losing anymore. The frustration of shooting someone at point blanc range with a shotgun and them not dying, and me dying instead. The frustration of being a bad weak player in general. So instead i boost achievements.

the only thing that really comforts me anymore is music. It's my life pretty much now. Especially with my taste. Listening to music about Darkness, pain, suffering, and bleeding makes me a lot more motivated than happy stuff. I sit at my computer and listen to Dark Industrial or Gothic rock. My therapist wants me to stop. He says it's bad for me.

not so fast

turns out that my 360 just fresh out of the repair center cannot read discs. In other words, i need another repair. Until i send it, i can only play arcade games because those are saved on the hard drive. looks like i'm gonna be playing a lot of Doom in the meantime. Luckily they will fix it for free. And since this is maddeningly inconvenient, they might even give me a free game.

Rest in Peace. Billy Mays


i can't believe he's gone. this just happened so suddenly, and so unexpecedly. i don't believe i've been this upset over the passing of a celebrity since Steve Irwin.

i know i thought it was funny to talk like Billy by being loud. like when i play halo and i'm using the gravity hammer, i'd go "hi billy mays here for the gravity hammer" or any other weapon. Billy was fun to watch. no other infomercial salesman could match his energy, and appeal. i know a lot of you thought he was annoying, and reached frantically for the mute button once one of his commercials came on. But that voice got your attention. and thusly, that's how he sold.

it's especially sad because he just got a hit TV show. and it really opened me up to how much of a personallity, and how funny he really was. At age 50, he deffinately died too soon. you will be greatly missed Billy. Rest in Peace.

rest in Peace. King of pop

wow. i cannot believe he's gone. really i can't. i know i've spent a lot of time making fun of him due to his child molestation charges and whatnot. But it's pretty much impossible for anyone to have not been influenced by him in some form or another. Not just by his music, but by his music videos, dances, and over all style. even where i come from musically, (the gothic/industrial) scene, it's not uncommon by any means to find someone that wasn't influenced by him. I have anyway sound the psychology of Michael Jackson to be rather fascinating. always theorizing what he meant by numerous statements and trying to understand his rather unusually large connection to children. particularly Peter Pan. i still to this day wonder what he meant when he said "Children are the only people that tell me the truth". Perhaps it just comes from me having a repressed childhood. But regardless, we should give him a moment of silence.

better days at OT

Well what do you know? religious threads on OT are finally starting to fade into obscurity. you still see them at times, but it's nothing compared to what it used to be. i have noticed a great burst in music related threads. This has made me rather happy. i think we've finally gotten out of the dark era on OT. just wanted to get that off my chest.