dhyce / Member

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Vomiting my thoughts onto the internet while praying for coherency.

I decided I'm going to start rambling in my blog thingy a bit like the old days. (I deleted my old posts a while ago.)

At least bring up an odd factoid about myself and expand upon it a little. Not sure whether I'll delete this some day or whether I'll ever do another blog post, but for now I feel like writing; so I shall write!

I usually post on forums on my spare time because I think it's fun to share my thoughts, learn about all sorts of people and share info about myself. I've met many cool people during my travels online and hope to encounter more. I've noticed in recent years that there are two things people tend to notice about me, one I get positive feedback on, the other... errr, not so much. People notice I am a fan of a large variety of music, this is true and I might devote upcoming blog posts to my music fandom. But I would like to talk about the negative.

I've been on the internet a long while, since early 2003. A lot has occured to me since then, notably a unique preference for how I look. I gained weight during a depression when I was 19, after a couple of years, I come out of it ok, from around 110lbs to about 160lbs if memory serves. I go online and return to a forum I long frequented, posted an image of myself and quite a few people freaked out telling me that I "let myself go." I got similar reactions from friends and family, though not quite as forthcoming due to sensitivity. I did not really feel like there was anything wrong with me, I did not understand the fuss.

So, I spent a while losing weight, getting fit... lost around 25lbs and was not happy with my appearance. I was terribly confused for a long time before it really dawned on me that I preferred myself at 160lbs. I did not like I looked at all, but it made no sense to me... it was around this time that wall finally fell in my head which prevented me from realizing that beauty is subjective. It is not whatever the media defines it as; that is simply their opinion. While my point of view is in a dwindling minority, it uplifted me to realize such a thing about myself. I have ever since embraced looking however I wish rather than assimilating into whatever flavor of the month Glamour was advertising. I had my own definition of what looked good, how to make myself feel good, a look that I could truly say was my own! So, I never thought twice after that, I just decided I would eat what I like, when I like, make sure things don't get too out of hand, and basically... intentionally gain weight.

At the cost of people around me not quite understanding what I mean, I do explain to them and for the most part I am understood. However, occasionally I say something online like "I tend to eat what I feel like, it doesn't bother me if I gain weight" or "I'm fat, but I don't try to lose weight, I like how I look" and I'll get a few messages from people who seem like they want to strangle me, you'd think I burnt their house down. So, I figure that I jot this down to help thin the confusion about myself by posing a simple question, "is it really that strange?" Everyone prefers to look a certain way, everyone finds unique things attractive, I am no different.

Now, it is arguable that my lifestyle choice is unhealthy, I will admit that and retort that I keep a good eye on my health and at the slightest sign of complication; I will drastically change my diet/exercise routine. However at the moment I like how I look, a lot, and my special someone does as well. So, isn't that really all that matters? I do not understand the fiery hatred people have for individuals who are overweight, ESPECIALLY if they were once skinny and - god forbid - once their opinion of attractive. To which I say, I've put on weight for me, not because of depression, I did not "let myself go," and most of all; I don't care about looking good for you, random guy on the internet from Alaska. I'm not out to please others, I care more to feel good about how I look than go out of my way to look good for everyone else.

If anybody actually reads this, I will happily answer any questions. I wanted to get this off of my chest not just to explain things I say that might sound crazy to others, but to give encouragement to people out there. Follow what you feel is right, don't spend your whole life pleasing others at the expense of your own happiness. Be yourself, nobody is perfect, in fact you might even be quite weird but don't hide it! Embrace it! I like being a screwball, better than being plain vanilla any day of the week, in my humble opinion.

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