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dhyce Blog

Mixed thoughts and friskiness.

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Now that I have your attention, let's talk about my weight. What? I hear you booing. Don't boo me, I have a stun gun and repressed childhood memories.

Often times, questions hit me: Why is 'red' the color of original-flavored Skittles? Why is that RPG from Ehrgeiz surprisingly entertaining? Why does Atreyu not go around the Swamps of Sadness, given that swamps cannot meet an ocean, and even if they could, the shore would not have the swamp's texture? But this is about dieting, not swamps.

Hello, my lovelies, and I am here to spout my thoughts at random, devoid of a script. I'm just cool like that. As I see my weight creep to that 260lbs mark, I wonder: Where is that skinny girl I was in high school? Is she dead? Back in the day, I was not different than I am now. I was bulimic. I've always had an unhealthy appetite, but my metabolism and condition prevented it from showing way back when. Bulimia is complex, and strange to experience. You'll want so much not to eat, and then rush out to eat more than what is advised for grown adults in an entire day. Only to, in my case and most others, 'purge' it. What an interesting word to use, as if the necessary foods we ingest are a sin. There's another tricky word I'm not keen on buying the concept of: Sin. I had a lot of problems in my teens: I suffered through a bad family, I was socially awkward and had few friends due to my accent/lack of English comprehension, and could barely keep food down. I was an absolute mess, amazing what life can do to you.

What's also amazing: a sweet Italian-descended girl comes along, quirky and insanely fun-loving, to show you the light. I avoid talking about my partner, Alice (Alex, as I sometimes call her), like an elephant in the room. Who is she? Why did we click? What's the dealio? She's weird, I can safely say. She was in a bunch of art-related after-school programs and didn't relate at all to the popular crowd. She was a culinary mastermind and quickly got into a school that trained her to be a proper chef. We met at lunch time, during an event so cliche: you'd think Stephenie Meyer wrote it. She knew about my condition because everyone did, felt pity on me, and tried talking to me. She was friendly and sweet, very much the sort who seeks 'damaged people' to fix. We talked, and talked, and talked, until my homosexuality came up, something that caused me an immense amount of grief. She admitted to her own bisexuality, comforted me, yaddah yaddah. In no time, we got day jobs and paid our way to getting an apartment, as friends. Life threw its share of hard times on us, as she went to college and we struggled to support ourselves and we bonded. It was at that point we realized we already loved each other. I often say we've been together for seven years, and that's not entirely true. We've been together more like four. But, we tend to acknowledge that ever since we properly met, that spark existed. We knew something funny chemically happened between us.

What does this have to do with my weight? Alice is a cook, and she practices cooking all the time, making all kinds of unnecessary dishes. I love her cooking and think it's divine. Back when I was bulimic and we moved in together, she made all the food, and I could not bring myself to 'purge' it. Her food mattered too much, it would be disrespectful not to accept it. So, she essentially cured my bulimia in this regard. My appetite flourished, leading me to my oh-so-ample weight today. Not that she's upset. The weirdo that she is kind of makes her enjoy my size, as I share a similar mindset. Despite my doctor's protests, I couldn't be happier with myself at a size that would have once mortified me. In fact, most people see it as a terrible negative to be fat and for some rational reasons. My health is pretty great now, but in ten years? What if I gain a lot more weight? It's practically inevitable given my current diet. I, in all of my glorious youth, don't care. I love to eat, I love myself, and I love my partner, who loves to cook. Sounds good to me. My philosophy is one of embracing what makes you happy, even if that might mean an early grave. I'm not the smartest person, or the most respectable, but I am happy to be me, no matter how weird or not socially acceptable. How fat am I going to get? Will I ever diet like a sane person? I don't know, I can't see myself differing too much in the coming years. Alice apparently likes bigger girls, quite a lot, so I'm not at risk of sabotaging our relationship. All is well, in my strange, strange life. I'm simply grateful we made the jump to move in together, to build a life and try. I view our dynamic as somewhat endearing.

There, I'll end the rambling. I wanted to throw out some of my thoughts. Not really too concerned if people care. :P

Plus-size . . . irony?

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A recent bit of online adventuring, concerning models I admire, led to a startling and frequent criticism. Evidently, more than a few journalists have decided something rather silly needed to be said. In fact, almost all plus-sized models of any notoriety seem to have this pearl chucked at them by some publication, somewhere: That they set a bad example by promoting an unhealthy image/ill-health/obesity for girls. Now, can anybody predict what I'm about to say? Write it down now! All done? Promoting an unhealthy image and lifestyle for girls is essentially the bedrock upon which the modeling industry stands. Firstly, if one is to either promote typical plus-size models, whom are rarely even classifiable by medical standards as obese, or common models, whom are almost always dangerously underweight; which does more harm? Lending these opinions the time of day has a debatable quantity of merit; I only feel it's bizarre how unaware even industry professionals can be concerning the Twilight Zone that is the mainstream modeling industry.

"But Chloe!" you might say, "It's wrong to promote either being overweight or underweight, both are undeniably destructive!" To which I'd give you the Nobel Prize for pointing out the obvious. Good health is ultimately what should be promoted by culture, but by models? Herein lies my second point: Who died and said models are ROLE-models? They're anything but! Artists are worthy of respect, as are scientists, doctors, police officers, soldiers, and other people who contribute something of any distinguishable value. Models are walking mannequins, upon which new and often costly clothes are hung. Clothes that come in a variety of sizes because, let us not forget, fat people exist. Models should be ultimately pleasant to look at, so it makes sense they be selected for things like a pretty face and spectacular hair. Everything else is irrelevant, because the only things models ever have and ever will promote is the clothing they wear. So, of course the fashion designers who create clothes for larger women are allowed to do so with size-appropriate fleshy mannequins. As with the beloved animated skeletons gracing most fashion mags. Because both body types will always exist. In other competitions, such as Miss (Insert country or state here) pageants, it should be a size free-for-all, a democracy of subjectivity, wherein people vote on whom they happen to find foxy. This will more likely than not still go to thin models most of the time, and yes, I am aware that larger girls do enter these pageants and at times win, they're just often far too intimidated by insurmountable bias; so much so that they neglect to even try. My issue stems of the health irony concerning generic models and the faulty assumption that models should be seen as role-models.

Thirdly, here's the obvious one I bet you're already thinking of. Models, regardless of perfect utopian worlds where people make sense, are seen as role-models. Beauty and the perceived confidence attributable to models is something girls and women look up to. However wrong this truly is; it's indisputable. So, how are we to reconcile? It's a paradox, models must exist to model plus-size and size-zero clothing, but how can they be looked up to and still fulfill these societal needs? It's simple: they can't. The significant difference between me and the industry at large is that I admit it. I would love to find some means of petitioning the industry into giving disclaimers, that being an animated mannequin of varying, often unhealthy sizes is not something to idolize. It's a great shame to me that society has ventured down this path, and it makes me reluctant to desire modeling anymore. I love my lifestyle and love myself, I eat without a ton of regard for my weight and like being a big girl, wouldn't trade it for the fittest body in the world. But what message do I inevitably send? A world where every model is pushing (or above) two hundred fifty pounds would be just as problematic as one where every girl weighs eighty-some pounds. In that world, a girl much like me would be annoyed by articles that attack women for promoting the unhealthy anorexic lifestyle, that they must deep down have vast denial and are just unwilling to submit themselves to the societal standards of eating abundantly and exercisizing when certain planets decide to align.

Models will always be of dramatically different sizes, that's a must. I just have doubts about pursuing it in a world where girls might look at me and say, "Because she's beautiful and confident, it's okay for me to overeat again." Much in the same way anorexics and bulimics justify their disorders. It's a very messy industry and I'm uncertain I want my hands dirtied. I've other passions and desires in life, and while these musings really won't affect how I conduct myself personally, I can say confidently that my outlook of the industry has changed. Until it's common for the minds of young girls to not be influenced by what size society's fleshy mannequins happen to promote, I'll keep my distance.

Shoegaze and Dream Pop: An Introduction!

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Hello, my lovelies! It's time for a bit of musical discussion to sizzle your minds and spur your loins! Let us delve into my current obsession: Shoegaze and Dream Pop. These genres blend well, and while they do carry distinctions, often a band will release an album better-suited to be labeled one, then release an album more associable with the other. Both genres rely heavily on building an engrossing atmosphere and setting a mood. In essence, Shoegaze is the more haunted, dreary side of this coin, while Dream Pop is softer and doesn't drink its pain away. Rarely do these genres exploit technical skill or aspire to demonstrate elaborate key-signature alterations. It's all about constructing an atmosphere, laboring over it, and holding you there. Not building into crescendos. (See: Post Rock) Note, that I won't be going into a description of each artists, I'm simply posting two songs from each.

First of all, my favorite band: Slowdive (Shoegaze)

Machine Gun

Melon Yellow

Lush (Shoegaze)

Scarlet

Never-Never

His Name is Alive (Dream Pop)

The Bees

Sitting Still, Moving Still, Staring; Outlooking

Chapterhouse (Shoegaze)

Breather

Precious One

Beach House (Dream Pop)

10 Mile Stereo

Home Again

Cranes (Shoegaze/Dream Pop)

Bewildered

Everywhere

Au Revoir Simone (Dream Pop/Electric)

A Violent Yet Flammable World

Only You Can Make You Happy

There you have it!

If you're a fan of these genres, do please comment! If not, tell me what you think, I'm rather learned on them by this point. Tell me if you want to hear more of a specific artist, I'd happily post more and or recommend albums. If you hate these genres? Tell me why! Discuss.

Modeling, lesbianism, and plentiful facepalms.

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Haven quit the waitress grind, I set off to model as mentioned before. A few college photographers expressed interest in shooting me. Some genuine, others more interested in dating me. It's hard to infer early intentions, you so want a gig and the first fish to swim by may include a hook. I've modelled in various ways, providing plus-sized clothes an aesthetically pleasing mannequin with hints of directed emotion, and I've done artsy shots, some in differing amounts of clothing. Occasionally, photographers will jump the shark and awkwardly demand nudity. Not quite so freshly, though they might as well. Agreed upon terms shift and crack away, some will take advantage of their position in ways I sternly decline. I have done nude shots, covered and done tastefully enough for me to not be weirded out, I can decipher a situation's level of authenticity without tremendous effort. It can be hard, as some will offer high pay and even more if these abrupt new conditions are met. I'm a very cautious gal; I know when to back out and generously flee.

Surprising only to the easily surprised, some photographers contact me displaying an almost comical will to date. It could not be less subtle. Compliments can be professional, but it's damn obvious if I'm being hit on, especially if time together post work is proposed. I explain not only that I'm taken but GAY and often they exhibit disbelief. Like I'm lying or making an excuse to not pursue them. (Because they're such great catches.) I've been photographed by only one woman, and she was ultra professional, quick and eloquent, almost distant. This whole photography thing is an odd realm and I'm not positive it's my life's calling. For now, it is fun, and quite interesting, I feel ever so adventurous, if not totally mad.

I'm happy that evidently more people find girls my size fetching than expected. It's almost a secretive, closeted thing. Fetishistic even, some photographers shoulder-watch like they're being hunted by the feds. It's amusing, awkward, but ultimately enjoyable, in its own bizarre way.

Yes, I own every shot taken of me on hard drive, not that I'm wacky enough to post 'Chloe's gallery' in my blog. That's too vain, even for me. And I can be insufferably masturbatory at times in my own self-love.

What I do these days.

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I'm vaguely excited about this so I figured a post is warranted.

I'm trying to be a plus-size model, and have had a couple of shoots/gigs. Nothing terribly professional, though I am learning the ropes. Apparently my old school goth fashion senses can be resurrected because in this industry, it's mad easy to get ahead if you're more 'edgy' and overweight. I think it's a tad silly, though. I like to model, I'm very cooperative with directorial suggestions. I like to pose and adhere with their vision of me, in the realm of reason. I am not against porn, but I don't really want to do it, for personal reasons. I've had offers and still view it as icky, though a few interviewers have opened my mind to financial possibilities.

Regularly, I help college students with portfolios, taking any modelling gig I can. It's rather part-time and I don't know if I wish to pursue it, but I am highly size positive and like to model. So, I'm seeing this as a possible door for me. Bottom line, I'd rather model than work in another bar, that's for sure. Basically I'm writing this to state my new passion, my adoration of the growing plus size modelling community, and alternative methods of earning a living in general. I've opened my mind a bit to what I can do, and if growing trends increase, I might be tapping into a market that could boom in coming years. So, wish me luck, if you wish!

Vomiting my thoughts onto the internet while praying for coherency.

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I decided I'm going to start rambling in my blog thingy a bit like the old days. (I deleted my old posts a while ago.)

At least bring up an odd factoid about myself and expand upon it a little. Not sure whether I'll delete this some day or whether I'll ever do another blog post, but for now I feel like writing; so I shall write!

I usually post on forums on my spare time because I think it's fun to share my thoughts, learn about all sorts of people and share info about myself. I've met many cool people during my travels online and hope to encounter more. I've noticed in recent years that there are two things people tend to notice about me, one I get positive feedback on, the other... errr, not so much. People notice I am a fan of a large variety of music, this is true and I might devote upcoming blog posts to my music fandom. But I would like to talk about the negative.

I've been on the internet a long while, since early 2003. A lot has occured to me since then, notably a unique preference for how I look. I gained weight during a depression when I was 19, after a couple of years, I come out of it ok, from around 110lbs to about 160lbs if memory serves. I go online and return to a forum I long frequented, posted an image of myself and quite a few people freaked out telling me that I "let myself go." I got similar reactions from friends and family, though not quite as forthcoming due to sensitivity. I did not really feel like there was anything wrong with me, I did not understand the fuss.

So, I spent a while losing weight, getting fit... lost around 25lbs and was not happy with my appearance. I was terribly confused for a long time before it really dawned on me that I preferred myself at 160lbs. I did not like I looked at all, but it made no sense to me... it was around this time that wall finally fell in my head which prevented me from realizing that beauty is subjective. It is not whatever the media defines it as; that is simply their opinion. While my point of view is in a dwindling minority, it uplifted me to realize such a thing about myself. I have ever since embraced looking however I wish rather than assimilating into whatever flavor of the month Glamour was advertising. I had my own definition of what looked good, how to make myself feel good, a look that I could truly say was my own! So, I never thought twice after that, I just decided I would eat what I like, when I like, make sure things don't get too out of hand, and basically... intentionally gain weight.

At the cost of people around me not quite understanding what I mean, I do explain to them and for the most part I am understood. However, occasionally I say something online like "I tend to eat what I feel like, it doesn't bother me if I gain weight" or "I'm fat, but I don't try to lose weight, I like how I look" and I'll get a few messages from people who seem like they want to strangle me, you'd think I burnt their house down. So, I figure that I jot this down to help thin the confusion about myself by posing a simple question, "is it really that strange?" Everyone prefers to look a certain way, everyone finds unique things attractive, I am no different.

Now, it is arguable that my lifestyle choice is unhealthy, I will admit that and retort that I keep a good eye on my health and at the slightest sign of complication; I will drastically change my diet/exercise routine. However at the moment I like how I look, a lot, and my special someone does as well. So, isn't that really all that matters? I do not understand the fiery hatred people have for individuals who are overweight, ESPECIALLY if they were once skinny and - god forbid - once their opinion of attractive. To which I say, I've put on weight for me, not because of depression, I did not "let myself go," and most of all; I don't care about looking good for you, random guy on the internet from Alaska. I'm not out to please others, I care more to feel good about how I look than go out of my way to look good for everyone else.

If anybody actually reads this, I will happily answer any questions. I wanted to get this off of my chest not just to explain things I say that might sound crazy to others, but to give encouragement to people out there. Follow what you feel is right, don't spend your whole life pleasing others at the expense of your own happiness. Be yourself, nobody is perfect, in fact you might even be quite weird but don't hide it! Embrace it! I like being a screwball, better than being plain vanilla any day of the week, in my humble opinion.